HG Tudor : Why Am I Doing This?
As part of my efforts to elude those seeking to enforce their worldview on me (they laughingly call themselves doctors) I have agreed to detail and write about what I do so the world may better understand me and my kind. I’m happy to oblige. I love an audience. Moreover I am told (told – really?) I must engage with you so this is your opportunity to comment on my writings, question me, express your own views and apparently you are even invited to challenge me (if you dare) so please talk away. I’m sure you will enjoy getting to know all about me.
86 thoughts on “HG Tudor : Why Am I Doing This?”
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Woo Hoo!
HG, you are very nearly there to achieving 100,000 subscribers on YT (at present, showing 99,400). You have worked damned hard to get to where you are now, despite the many times of ‘suppression’, you continued. So much patience and that is a virtue you possess.
Well done, HG. And, I am telling you…..thank you, hugely 🙂
“…enforce their worldview on me…” – you encapsulated the situation in the very first sentence.
“As part of my efforts to elude…I love an audience.” – your why.
“…seeking to enforce…so the world may better understand me and my kind.” – The Good Doctors why.
“I have agreed to detail and write about what I do…(and) engage with you…” – the how.
The basics right there from the start. Why is it so difficult to read this and just accept it, the different worldview and the need for explanation in order to understand the differences from us. Why do we cling on so hard to the idea that narcissists are like us, normals see the differences and walk away. I now know it is the addiction causing this but it just seems so wrong that even in black and white we don’t always get it, we just keep trying to insist that we are more alike than we are and that the need to make you understand, so you will change, is of the utmost, more important even than our own health and happiness. Why do we have to try so hard in an impossible situation. And, why do narcissists get to know the truth and we do not. That is the ultimate unfairness.
Hello again HG. KP (amber energy and hair, “Empowered Empath”) here. First of all I would like to Thank You again for all that you do. It truly amazes me. You must have ton’s of energy:) (Or never sleep). Your words, voice and wisdom are impeccable and invaluable. No Narcissist in this day and age can compare. Your legacy is certainly secure. (Fuel? ha ha)
At this point in my transformation, from exposure to your kind to understanding and empowerment, I have a question… It’s esoteric of course, but I am hoping you may have an answer.
Light and dark. We meet. We give, we take. In the end, who really wins? The light or the dark. Or is it somewhere in between?
Because despite being exposed to the darkest of dark (your kind) I feel like I’m stronger and brighter than ever.
The funny thing is.. it’s difficult for me to describe myself as “an empath”. That term no longer truly fits me.
Just curious. I think this is all meant to be.
KP
Hello KP.
I win.
Of course…
“His Greatness”, question from an early post of yours (when you were just a baby):
“As part of my efforts to elude those seeking to enforce their worldview on me (they laughingly call themselves doctors) I have agreed to detail and write about what I do so the world may better understand me and my kind……Moreover I am told (told – really?) I must engage with you so this is your opportunity to comment on my writings….”
Why have the doctors “told” you you must engage with us?
To learn.
HG, The doctors “told” you that you had to engage with “you”. Is the told a command or an inevitable occurrence of socializing? And the you, are you referring to people in general or strictly empaths?
It is only in retrospect that I realise I was discarded. I had for a while thought it was just silent treatment. But as time went on, it became clear he had done with me because I was guilty of causing him a big narcissistic injury.
We hadn’t been together for quite some time, so it confused and irritated me rather than hurt me. It is only recently I realised he was a narc… a cerebral covert, possibly lesser. It was so empowering to finally put all the jigsaw pieces together.
I outed him on it and went no contact, and his online precence abruptly stopped. I’m not blocked, he’s just lying low. This was several weeks ago and I wonder if he is feeling shame… one of his worst fears. He’s a very anxious and paranoid person. Is this a likely response to my outing him, and will he feel like I’ve discarded him even though he discarded me, or will he just be taking time out before focusing his energy on recruiting a new supply?
essentially, HG, you are humoring your doctors by playing along as if it were a game you have been challenged to, while gaining an audience and some fuel. I presume that is because they are convinced you can be “fixed” and see the error of your ways when in fact it that’s very impossible.
My ex did much the same at one point… I’m not going to get into details but he found himself having to deal with doctors, was not accurately diagnosed at all, and regardless of his behavior at first, quickly learned to tell them exactly what they wanted to hear and then eventually learned to manipulate and use them for his own purpose. I stood there and watched. None of these doctors ever even realized they were being played with, manipulated and tricked to the point of being used.
Now I’m curious if they read your blog at all…
I went no contact after he went silent for a month and tried to come back there was no answer. However being a daughter of a narc and dating them for so long I picked up on it in 3 months dating him (girlfriend first pushed down to fwb) after reasesrching so much on the Internet. Since then the vandalism and smearing has occurred though I’ve stayed silent (by the way I’m well known in the music industry and well liked… why is he vandalizing me? And since no one believes it, how long will it be… example would be my gas gage stopped working all of a sudden the day he gets paid it’s working again (vandalism always happens the week he gets paid… guess he has no gas go travel to me otherwise).
The vandalism is done to punish you and also to try to draw fuel from you. It is a malign hoover. In terms of how long it will go on for, this depends on whether you enter his sphere of influence and how high your hoover bar is. He may well be powering his campaign of malign hoovers through a Malice Obsession with you and if it is easy for him to contact you and he perceives he will gain fuel from you then the hoover bar will be low. See the articles Spheres of Influence and Hoover Time! in the Prime Articles section of the menu of this blog.
Hi Tudor
I recently talked to my narcissist lover about him being a narcissist and it seemed like he genuinely may not have been aware – only that he knew something was wrong with him. I got him to read some comments on what narcissist behaviour does to their targets so he would understand my ptsd was caused by him
I have bpd
He now wants to try our relationship again and even took me home to tell his mother (who he smear campaigned me to ) to say we are in love again – he is very close to his mum
What do you make of this?
Hello Nicole, I suspect he may be a Mid-Ranger who humoured you by reading the comments but he will not see them as applicable to him.
His actions are a Preventative Hoover as he fears losing you as a source of fuel. He uses the fact you know he is close to his mum as a tool to demonstrate to you that he is serious about making things work, because he knows you want to hear such things, but he does not mean it. He is doing it in order to avoid losing you as a primary source. He has no concern about the fact that he smeared you to him mum because that was then and this is now. He needs your fuel and all is as the fuel dictates it to be, thus he can contradict himself but it is of no concern to him. He will say the smear (if pushed) was relevant back then but you have changed or improved in some way.
Hello HG Tudor,
I have BPD. I have been made aware that has made me an easy prey to those with NPD. I don’t know if this is true when I look back on my past and the people that have been in it, because when people that were once important in my life leave I force myself to.. in a way.. delete any memory of them.
I’m asking if in your experience this seems to be true? I’m currently in a relationship with someone that at times exhibits narcissistic traits, more when we met years ago than currently but they still come up every so often. I’m wondering if it may be a mimic though, because his mother is a narcissist and caused him a lot of damage. It’s been almost 5 years now since he’s enacted the no contact with her. It was rough at the time and even still can be if he gives it too much thought…
He shows me so much love and adoration, but it always seems to be at a distance and about twice a year something seems to slip. There is an actual visible change in him and the things he says.. they’re soul crushing… but being who I am there are only 2 options, the last day of my life suddenly wasn’t real or I need to go cut my throat. Since I’m writing, we see which option I’ve been taking.
There’s a lot of evidence that he is a narcissist besides that, but there is a lot of evidence to the contrary as well. So, I’m quite confused..
I really do have a knack for finding people with other personality traits to be significant in my life, but this is my first known experience with this one. I suppose no one wants to think of themselves as easy prey and that’s what really got me here wondering.
Bojour Petitefromage,
Je suis Grand Fromage, bien sur.
Those who have BPD are prime appliances for the provision of fuel because you are emotional, you struggle to regulate your emotions, you create drama and have the emotional skin of a tissue. This is all ideal for our purposes. There is a good chance you have attracted a narcissist. In order to determine whether he is, I recommend you read my books and as you see what is described there as applicable to him (or not as the case may be) you will receive your answer. Sitting Target will be a good start to understand why he is drawn to you, then Evil, Mouth of a Narcissist, Manipulated, Devil’s Toolkit, red flag and Black Flag. The more you read the more you will understand.
Bonsoir Grand Fromage,
thank you for the response and advise on directional reading.
by the way, tissues have proven to be very strong by raging noses everywhere.
It’s been long enough that you likely won’t see this, petitefromage, but that comment re tissues has made my day.
Pour Grand Fromage –
…the super stinky kind, obviously, that seeps into everything, and despite scrubbing & soaking, refuses to leave… and we end up throwing out the cheese, the container, and airing out the fridge – if not throwing out the fridge, too – to be replaced with a better functioning – reciprocal – appliance that meets our needs (sticking out my tongue ;o)
(couldn’t resist)
Bisous, HG (do you explain somewhere what your initials stand for?)
His Greatness.
Another orange joke!!! Please excuse my sense of humour.
Soon HG will buy a dozen oranges just to trample the shit out of them.
No, I prefer squash.
LOL ? /hahaha / jajaja eres graciosísmo jajaja (salió la broma sola, no creo que entiendas el doble sentido. A no ser que sepas español)
the emotional skin of a tissue….lol….that made me chuckle…
The reason that personality-disordered people act so predictably– the reason they all seem to belong to the same bowling team– is that a Personality Disorder narrows their entire focus — all their goals– down to a single, specific theme. In the case of NPD, the only thing more tragic than reducing life, and ones’ connection to others down to a series of ploys and power plays intended to deceive, confuse, exploit, and undermine a persons goodwill and sense of self-esteem– is to NOT know that a higher, more noble plane of existence exists. This flies in the face of everything that is beautiful. Evil indeed.
Your perspective is invaluable…
Hi. I’m really fascinated by you and your kind. I’m excited to read your books.
My dad is an overt narcissist. He has nice things, he’s an engineer, Doctor, and a successful business man. He has controlled and manipulated me my entire life. He has pushed me into becoming a doctor. He took thinks away when he didn’t like the guys I would date. He only praises me when I do things he wants me to do. I grew up feeling I was never enough and I was never heard. I grew up with a very low self esteem and have dated a few narcs (overt and covert) myself. I am so curious about how my dad views me and how he would deal with me if I completely rebelled and stopped doing what he told me to do.
Does he have the capacity to love me?
How do I know if he is a lesser or greater narc? Are there ways of knowing?
How is it that he sees me more as his property than my own individual person with my own dreams and desires?
How can I keep him in my life without having to follow his every command? How do I communicate with him about changing career goals?
Hello Jasmine, thankyou for your kind words.
1. His capacity to love you has been removed.
2. He is likely to be a Mid-Range of Greater based on the brief description you have provided about him. There are books in progress about the three schools of narcissism which you will find interesting.
3. He sees you as his property because people are just appliances to us. You are an extension of him and there to serve his needs. That is our world view and everybody fits into this because we must control our environment and you form part of that environment.
4. The most effective method would be to cut him from your life. Ask yourself this, “does he benefit you in any positive way at all?” if not, would you remain friends with someone like this? No you would not. You only keep him in your life because he has the label “dad”. If you cannot bring yourself to apply no contact to him because he is your father (and that is understandable) you need to establish your boundaries. You are an adult. It is your life. He will not like it but you do not give him any choice. He either deals with your assertion of self or he withdraws and if he does the latter, that is his problem and not yours, do not chase after him. If you have not done so already I would suggest you read Manipulated, Devil’s Toolkit, Black Flag to understand how he manipulates you (you may be surprised just how far this goes) then read Escape, Fuel, Smeared and Black Hole so you understand how you can deal with his behaviours. Look our for Defender: How to Counter the Narcissist a well, which is in progress as this will be instrumental for you too.
5. As for your career goals, change them and then let him know. He either accepts them or he does not. Again that is his issue, not yours.
I often have nightmares but the ones that haunt me the most are his next victim visiting me and asking why I didn’t tell her what he was. This one wil be his fourth wife. Do you think with age my sociopath ex husband will curb his ways in order to keep this relationship and not put another person through this torture. Strangely I feel such sadness for him now and often thank him in my mind for all the amazing people he introduced me to and wasn’t able to sustain friendships with. The people I cannot forgive are those family members who are, to some degree, aware of what he is but don’t warn the new victims of his capability, to lie, cheat, commit fraud and perjury. As much as I read on the subject I still cannot comprehend how someone would want to live such an empty and shallow life. I wonder if he is aware the only people he is able to retain are those he buys with silly trinkets, trips overseas and rides in his status symbol plane. It’s such an empty life. Those that are capable of love, kindness and empathy he just destroys
He will no curb his ways but there may be a moderating of the behaviour that occurs with age but there can be no guarantee. The aging effect may lessen certain behaviours or heighten them, it depends on the individual concerned Julie and the environment in which he finds himself.
Is there a difference between the silent treatment and the discard? Unbeknownst to me at the time, I find I am dealing with a narc. Apparently, I “criticized” him and now I am 2 plus weeks into the silent treatment. I texted and called for the first few days until he blocked me. We’ve been through this before but he’s never blocked me. I haven’t tried calling or texting for since then so I don’t know if he will unblock me. I’d like the satisfaction of a Hoover so that I can implement no contact but I am not sure I’ll get it. I think he’s a lesser narc because he’s not very aggressive with me.
He didn’t need to be. He had me trained into thinking I was always in the wrong and so accordingly, I would always Hoover him after a silence treatment and he always took me back. Is he expecting me to do this again even after I have been blocked? I am lucky, I am only about 5 months into this. We are both married. He said he was bored and unhappy and I found out this year that my husband has been cheating on me our entire 18 years of marriage. I was in a vulnerable position when I met this guy and from reading your fascinating books, I see that he probably honed in on that. We agreed that we would stay put in our marriages for the kids but during this last conflict with him he revealed that they are getting divorced. I’m assuming that his wife is his primary. He likes her status and she make great money. With an upcoming divorce he must be getting all kinds of negative fuel. He’s a cop and gets all kinds of adulation from that. I wish I knew then what I know know. Karma is biting me now.
Hello Lacy, the discard is a form of silent treatment and the silent treatment is a form of discard. Often you do not realise that you have been discarded because nothing is said to you. We just disappear or there is no communication until you try to contact us and receive no response if you are able to remain in contact with us. Naturally a silent treatment for a few hours is not a discard but once it starts to amount to weeks then it is more likely a discard. In certain instances you may be told that it is over and thus it is a discard but then a hoover could follow just a week later in order to resurrect the relationship.
Given that you are over two weeks into the silent treatment it is looking like a discard. A hoover will come at some point but treat this as an opportunity, whilst you are being left alone, to build your defences for your commencement of no contact. He is wanting you to try and contact him in order to draw fuel from you. Resist the temptation to do so. You appear to have a decent handle on the dynamics from what you describe. I suggest you grasp this opportunity for No Contact as he will come hoovering at some point.
Thank you HG. While painful, it’s what I need to hear. I will heed your advice for sure. One more question if I may. Does it bother the narc very much once they realize the Hoover doesn’t work on someone they have discarded? Obviously, for all the pain and fraud I’ve been subjected to I’d like him to feel some discomfort and save some face.
If the hoover does not work then there is criticism and we are wounded. Subject to various factors, tactics may be altered concerning the hoover or shifting to say a malign hoover instead, or seeking fuel from a different source instead.
Fascinating yet maddening all at once! You are interesting creatures for sure. Does it impact him at all that I have quit trying to reach out? Has he even noticed?
Hello Lacy, it will depend on what his fuel situation is, but there will have been some wounding experienced by your cessation of reaching out. How extensive that it is depends on his fuel position.
Thank you HG for taking the time to help me through this by responding as quickly as you do. You are doing all of us survivors a service by opening the door to your worlds so that we can use this information to heal. Maybe, just maybe, your not as cold as you think you are. Or maybe the fact that I think that is just another manipulation on your part! Either way, I am smarter about your kind than I was yesterday thanks to you
You are welcome Lacy.
Most don’t know. Have a read of No -You’re the Narcissist to learn about the reaction of a Lesser to the accusation
Hello Mary Jo, I don’t quite understand your question. Perhaps you could elaborate please?
Sorry I was hoping we could remove my name or at least my comment so that i could remain anonymous
I can go back and do that if you would prefer that to be the case.
the two posts bearing your name have been removed.
Wow Lacy
I know it’s awful. Please don’t judge me too harshly. I hate myself enough as it is and am working hard on myself to fix it
I am not judging you at all, the contrary, I hug you.
Thank goodness and thank you for the hug! I needed it. I am really suffering. I am ashamed and embarrassed. I never thought I would be here. I’ve learned my lesson
Holly smoke HG,
You nailed it…my husband said to me just the other day that people would be jealous of our relationship if we were separated and friends cause their unhappily married. Also your right about the separation with the courts…it’s not a divorce but telling the courts were not responsible for one another but can be amended to married or divorced. I think he’s doing this because we built a business under our marriage and since I work a full-time job all the business income has been able to go back into his/our business which is now successful. I guess I own half of the business since it was developed under common CA Marriage Law. I’m pretty sure my husband is not sure what I’d do since I’ve been the financial support, accountant, marketing person, and everything else besides the face of the business . Yes HG I was used until the business was at a point of success . The sad thing is I love my husband and I know he has a problem that I can’t help with after reading all of your books. After your reply I have a few more questions for you if you have the time to respond i’d greatly appreciate it
1. Should I just walk away from our business even though I’ve supported it for the duration of our marriage?
2. I can ultimately turn the separation into a divorce by an amendment, do you recommend me doing that ? I’m having serious anxiety even thinking about it… will the golden days ever come back or will he’ll keep bringing up past issues to continue breaking me down ?
In any case I will most definitely post outstanding reviews on your books. They are the only books that have been able to help me through this… Again I’m sorry that you have this disorder but your books probably mean a lot to many people.
~Katie
Hello Katie,
1. You ought to seek legal advice on your position with regards to the business. Is it incorporated? If so, what are the shareholdings? If not, is it operated by your husband as a sole trader, although I suspect you could argue it is a quasi partnership? Or are you in partnership? The status of the business and how much your half (if you are so entitled) are key considerations to deciding whether to fight or whether to save yourself the aggravation because as you know he will fight you.
2. I am not a lawyer, nor a matrimonial lawyer although owing to my life experience I have experienced my share of the ball washing bastards that make up the legal profession. If your position is not damaged by such an amendment and it will make you feel better I would recommend doing it for the finality involved. It will also land a blow against him by removing some control.
The golden days might be reinstated by him as part of a respite period but it is a fallacy which is designed just to bring you down again. He will keep dragging up the past so long as it serves him to do so in exerting control over you and gaining fuel from you.
I am pleased you have found the books so helpful and thank you for agreeing to post reviews. I look forward to reading them.
HG Tudor,
My husband has moved out and filed separation with the courts after eight years of marriage. I didn’t realize he was a narcissist until going through marriage counseling and the therapist mentioned that he may have a personality disorder. After reading every single one of your books I find that he’s very similar to you with just a few exceptions maybe because he is is more moderate than extreme narcissist …if there is really a difference. In any case I have few questions for you .
1. Why wouldn’t he just file for divorce instead of a separation? I have not wanted to be separated nor divorce but after reading your books it seems like my life would be empty.
2. My husband keeps saying that we can be best friends and that we don’t need to be married to have a great relationship. My husband keeps saying that our friends would be jealous of our relationship because they don’t want to be married to their spouse either… What does this mean ? This is an awful response to someone who is not a narcissist who dreams of living together and enjoying life together .
Sorry that you are a narcissist. I guess your purpose was to write all those books for us.
Hello Katie. First of all thank you for reading my books, it is appreciated. Secondly, please do post reviews of them. Turning to your questions:-
1. I am not familiar with the process re divorce/separation in your jurisdiction but I should imagine there is less finality with separation which is almost like him telling you he is going but if you want you can still have him back. It is a wedge step to keep the door open to hoover you; and
2. He is saying this to maintain a connection so he can draw further fuel from you. He is making himself sound special and that other people are jealous of what you and he have because they are unhappily married, therefore you should feel honoured to have any connection with him.
Have you ever had a narcissist victim?
Your books (read so far Decipher, Red Flags and half of Revenge) surprisingly made me understand there is a lot of the narcissist in myself too. But I am not a complete one. Only have enough to identify my own behavior and understand why I have the need to “beat” this type each time, and eventually, not getting to a real and healthy relationship.
Due to your logic, do you think it is possible that I am mainly the emphatic type, but possess also few of the narcissist characteristics? Can this combination be possible, in your logic?
Do you ever wish to be normal? I’ve only read a couple of your books and it seems to me that you usually get what you want – you dominate and damage people, you reaffirm your greatness, you have so much power – and yet you talk about the unfairness of your situation, your envy of other people and so on. From the standpoint of your victims you seem to be always winning and you never get any consequences for the horrible things you do. So what are the downsides of your condition? Should we all want to be narcissists and psychopaths?
There is much to commend the status, but as you would expect, I am bound to say that. I see no reason to be normal because I am not.I know that there are those of our kind who might wish to be released from the yoke of always seeking fuel and the threat of toppling into the abyss and no longer existing. I understand those concerns but they are outweighed by being an achiever, a pioneer who is not accountable, a person who always secures the win, someone who excels, attracts people, gets his way and so much more. The potential downsides (to us) are more than outweighed by the numerous upsides (to us). Of course I know that those of our kind would argue differently based on the harm we cause but that isn’t to us is it and nor are we perturbed by such actions. I know others are not of our kind will argue that we miss out on feeling certain emotions but I do not miss out, I never had them or don’t recall them (if I ever had them) and therefore I don’t miss them. I have power instead. That is more than ample “compensation” if it was to be regarded as such. I would much sooner hold power than be able to cry tears of joy. I have had people comment to me many times that they wish they could be like me or my kind because so little troubles us and we always win.
Then what is the unfairness you keep referring to? What is the envy and jealousy all about? And what about the extreme vulnerability to criticism? That, in my view, is the antithesis of power.
In the Greek legend, Narcissus falls in extreme love with his reflection in the lake and that is his injury – the unrequited love. And this is the essence of narcissistic abuse – the narcissist turns into the lake during love-bombing and then punishes his victim with the pain of not only unrequited love, but of love that can never be and never was because the narcissist is as inhuman as the lake. It is almost like the narcissist is training to afflict his victims with his own affliction.
One last thing, have you ever been tested for antisocial personality disorder? It seems to me that you have some psychopathic traits in addition to narcissism?
Thanks for your replies, by the way, as well as for the information you provide in your books. It is truly fascinating and so so painful.
The unfairness is how the world looks to topple us because of our elevated status.
The vulnerability to criticism arises because it reminds us of something we would rather not consider and it challenges how we wish to be seen ; above criticism especially from someone regarded as inferior.
The current thinking is that I am a narcissistic sociopath which would accord with your observations I think.
Thank you for your kind comments concerning the information provided and for posting.
It looks like many narcissists and their victims start from the same place: an environment in which approval cannot be earned. It is bestowed when the caregiver feels like it, if ever.
People wired to be empaths grow up to try to earn approval from narcs incapable of giving it. They try to heal someone else’s wounds without realizing their own need tending.
People wired to be narcs simply demand constant approval, because they never learned the habit of trying to earn it.
An environment where approval is random or unobtainable + neurological wiring that is outside either side of normal = the perfect storm.
One individual outside one side of normal meeting an individual outside the other side of normal, both brought up without behavioral patterns of earning approval = a category 5 hurricane.
HG,
I’m currently leaving my narcissistic husband of 30 miserable years. Just when I think he can’t possibly ruin me more financially, I find out one more thing he’s done to ruin me further. What is the motivation behind this? We close on our condo in 3 weeks and I fear he will use the entire proceeds to pay off HIS debts before I even have a chance to get half. He says I can’t have any of it because I haven’t been working for the last year while taking care of my terminally ill father. Should I try to get to a court order before the closing?
Thanks,
JN
Hello Jody, I assume you are in the US? I am not fully familiar with the applicable law but I suspect there will be similarities with the position here, so I will detail the position in the UK and allow you to draw appropriate parallels and as a matter of urgency seek the advice of an attorney. I have had repeated exposure to these issues in the past so know something about them.
In the UK, even if the house is not in your name, you have a right pursuant to legislation concerning the property. A family lawyer can register this right against the property which will mean it cannot be sold from under you without your permission. I recommend you find out if there a similar right in your state and ensure this is registered against the property so that the person handling the sale of the property cannot process it. You ought to then organise for the sale to go through with the sale proceeds being held by an attorney who will then deduct expenses etc and then send you your share. If this arrangement is in place, you can grant your permission. If the attorney handling the sale does not do this, then you have a claim against the attorney and his insurance policy.
IN the UK it is also possible to obtain what is known as a freezing order against somebody if there is credible evidence that they are going to dissipate one of your assets. Your husband’s denial of your share and the fear that it will be used to pay off his debts would provide you with the right to seek a freezing order. This means the asset (the house) could not be sold. A caution (because of the freezing order) is also registered against the property when the freezing order is granted which means it cannot be sold without your approval. I don’t know if there is something similar where you are. Here it tends only to be worth doing where the value of the amount you are seeking is in excess of £ 100 000, plus there are considerable legal expenses assosicated with it (which you would get a proportion back from his share of the sale proceeds).
On balance however, if you have the matrimonial right that is the better option as it is quicker and less expensive.
You need to obtain advice asap.
As to why he is doing this, he wants to provoke a reaction and gain fuel, he wants to put an obstacle in your way in case you reconsider, he wants to punish you because in his eyes you are at fault for everything going wrong. The justification he gives has not legal basis at all since it is a matrimonial asset but this will not matter in his mind.
Thank you for your response. Yes, I’m in the US and it sounds like our laws are similar to yours. I was able to secure an attorney today to get immediate help with freezing our assets and making sure I get half of the equity in the condo (it’s already under contract and closes in June).
Your answer to why he is doing this is spot on. He constantly puts obstacles in my way and the punishments are unbearable. Right now he is removing all access to money to make me dependent on him. He’s in hoovering mode right now. I sincerely dislike this mode because of how my mind reacts…maybe? Is it possible it could be different? Is the punishment ending? blah blah blah. Why do our minds do this? It’s awful. I end up thinking I’m completely insane and questioning whether or not his behaviors are real or not. Even after 30 years of this nonsense! Ugh.
You said this in a comment back in April: “You need to dangle a carrot, threats won’t work as they will be perceived as criticism. A threat can easily be turned into a carrot though (“I will give you” rather than “I won’t do this”).”
I am simply awful at dangling a carrot. I resort to “I won’t do this” instead of bargaining with a carrot. Not sure I could even do this as I would feel manipulative. He knows exactly what it means to dangle the carrot….This is one of his favorite emotional jabs: “it’s ironic that you’re so intelligent but haven’t picked up on what draws me to you instead of pushing me away. All your boundaries just make me not want to be with you.” Anyway…thanks for your insight. I’m so broken.
You are welcome.
Tengo una curiosidad. Al dar este tipo de consejos en donde pareces capaz de darte cuenta del erróneo comportamiento de este narcisista que intenta culpar a su mujer de todo, eres aún así incapaz de darte cuenta cuando le hace los mismo a tu pareja? eres capaz de ser consciente de que estás errado o podrías estar errado? o no tienes esas capacidades
I have a curiosity. By giving this kind of advice where you seem able to realize the erroneous behavior of this narcissist who tries to blame his partner for everything,
are you still unable to realize when you do it to your own partner?or
you’re aware but you can’t care less
Are you able to be aware that you are wrong or could be wrong? or
you don’t have those capabilities
I have no sense of remorse, Andrew, no sense of guilt and do not care.
You’re not broken. You got the attorney. Good for you!
Keep reading here. Your attorney knows the law, and HG knows narcs.
Hi Violtetta – thank you for your response. This was 3.5 years ago. I went no contact with him shortly after writing this post. Got my half of the equity and moved out of town the day we closed on the condo. He took me to court to try and drain me of what little resources were left. I had to face him in court for 3 hours and haven’t seen him since. I am happily remarried to an awesome man!! I don’t think I would have made it through the awful maze at the end without the insights from this blog.
HG,
I have been romantically involved with a narcissist for nearly a decade. We are technically separated now, but I have not yet gone no contact. I think of him like two characters – the mask he wears when he’s with me, and the narcissist. On a few occasions, he has briefly taken off his mask, and let the narcissist speak – meaning, he said some things that were actually honest. (I’m sure there was some hidden agenda to manipulate me through his honesty, but he was honest nonetheless.)
I want to speak to the narcissist. I suppose he would need to foresee some personal gain coming from such an interaction in order to let that happen. My question is – can you think of anything that would motivate you, or has, to let your narcissist side speak honestly? I mean with a source of supply, not strangers online 🙂
I know it’s unlikely, and I know there are answers I’ll never get, and wouldn’t even try to ask, but I’m curious about some things that I think he might tell me. I’m also aware I probably want this for the wrong reasons, and I’m prepared to walk away without any answers. But he’s dropped his act before, and after I got over the initial sting, I find the whole thing kind of fascinating. So anyway, shot in the dark but thought I’d ask.
Thanks for listening,
-K
You need to dangle a carrot, threats won’t work as they will perceived as criticism. A threat can easily be turned into a carrot though (“I will give you” rather than “I won’t do this”). The problem you have is that if he denies what he is and you ask him to speak “as a narcissist” he will regard this as a criticism and won’t respond. How did you know he was being honest as compared to wearing the mask? Might he just be saying those things to further manipulate you? I know I would.
I work with a malignant cerebral type who I’m currently in discard mode with. I’m fine with that as I know that this person will never be what I initially imagined. My issue is this, in spite of clearly being in discard mode, he is trying to suck me back in because I’m not paying him any mind. I know that if I succumb, he’ll ruin me somehow. I know this. How do I handle this situation? We work closely with each other.
If you are unable to effect No Contact you need to minimise your dealings with him to counter his Hoovering and manipulation. I recommend you read Fuel, Escape and No Contact and perhaps Revenge.
I was kinda confused…are you a narc? And answering questions on here? Or writing as if your were one??
I am one and yes I will answer your questions.
Have you ever been a drug abuser?
I would not regard it as drug abuse. You can read more about my observations in that regard in Confessions of a Narcissist available on Amazon. That will tell you more about my thoughts regarding the allure of certain notoriously addictive items.
Ha! I assumed you would consider empathy, sympathy, caring, and love as a flaw, a weakness in the human person. Of course you are human, I meant that humans experience these emotions for others, you do not? Is there any one person that you can not exclude from your life? That you can say, with as much honesty as possible, you truly feel emotion for or that you do things unselfishly for? My narc/socio even holds his daughter to the expectations that she must idol worship him. His parents were no exception either. Although at the time I thought they were the cause of his condition based on his childhood, so there was cause for his disregard for them, although they spent and worked tirelessly to protect him, and I can see that now. What has happened that makes you need this hero worship? Can you pinpoint any event or one thing, or have you always just felt entitled? To much parent attention? Not enough? Abuse?
Interesting observations there and not ones I would disagree with. I do not like to exclude anyone. For me, people are always in play – sometimes it is full on, sometimes it is occasional and sometimes again rarely, but I never exclude them in totality. In terms of the need for people to worship me? I have given this some thought since you posed the question (hence my delay inanswering) and I have never known a time when I have not needed to be admired so I cannot pinpoint any catalyst. Perhaps Dr O and Dr E will find an answer (they ought to,they cost enough!)
Why the need for over validation and praise, adoration? I know we all like praise at a job well done but your is a constant need. Do you EVER do anything unselfishly? As a narc, do you have one weakness that almost makes you human?
You are right, I have a constant need for validation. It is because I have to have people recognise how special and brilliant I am. If they do not, it is as if they are denying my existence. I have to have people acknowledge my superiority otherwise I feel crushed. Selfishness is an interesting concept. Do I do things for other people? Yes repeatedly. I buy them things, help them, take them to good places and offer useful advice, just by way of examples. Do I do those things to achieve something for me? Absolutely. To me, the end always justifies the means. Surely however I can be generous as a side effect of achieving what I want? That is not a bad thing is it? Do I have one weakness that almost makes me human? I am human. Of course I am. In respect of a weakness, well can you leave that one with me please?
dejar esa una para ti? si ya lo has dicho hasta el cansancio. En realidad eres de los más débiles entre los diferentes tipos de personas, sin ánimos de ofender. porque necesitas de los demás de una manera desmesurada. Esa es tu mayor debilidad.
leave that one with you? if you have already said it until tiredness. You need others in an excessive way. That is your biggest weakness.
My Narc had pushed for 15 years. I finally enjoy the silence. I told him he means nothing and I am done loving him. His very presence makes me sick. He does the hoovering and then is bored quickly and then silence. He tries to keep up the facade of good man and father but its to much for him. He will be back, he always is, but its because he cannot be alone. EVER. Do you have this issue of being unable to be alone? Stroking another fire while you have one burning so that you can jump and not fall without someone to grab onto? I told him he cheapens himself by begging and giving extravagant gifts so that he appears the hero. I am really just being paid now to put up with him time to time and receiving the wealth from his seeing others and meandering. I am benefitting. I assume I have turned cold. What is the longest realtionship you have had? Or perhaps still run to? Have you ever been stopped dead in your tracks? Of so, How?
You are right. I hate to be alone. I am not meant to be alone. People love me so I need to be with people and especially so in the context of a relationship. I always move from one to the other and invariably have been lining one up as I exit the other. Sometimes I will have two or three on the go at the same time, especially during the early stages when adoration is coming at me like snow in a blizzard. Sounds like you have worked your fellow out and can deal with it. He will keep coming back until he finds someone else. We always need another. The longest relationship? Seven years. I have not been stopped dead in my tracks no, because I am the master of distraction and evasion so I always find a way to keep going.
Have you eventually written any articles about the person you were with for 7 years?
No.
What is your goal in life? When you enter your last stage of life and look back , assuming you pass naturally, what can you say you have accomplished? Will there be pride on you very death bed that you were able to abuse others and find joy in others pain? Do you reflect at all who will care when you go and what mark you have made in this life?
My goal in life is securing adoration. That is what drives me forward. I don’t like to think about death. If I die, that suggests I am like everyone else when I know I am not.
Ah ah ah ah
HG, I hope you do not mind this personal viewpoint: I believe you, and other narcissists I have encountered, are beautiful souls that are altered by significant abuse. I like to believe that when you die, your spiritual wounds are healed and you are whole as was originally intended (spiritually). You are more than your body, your achievements, your earthy power and adoration (of which you have a vast supply). Fear not death, you will be even more in the spiritual realm or the next life, whichever is the case and free.