Tears On Your Pillow
The bedroom is one of my favourite rooms. One of my ex-girlfriends used to call it the torture chamber. Another called it the freezer. Their appellations amused me. I don’t like to be touched. Dr O has suggested this is because that touch reminds me too much of what I am missing. I laughed at her remark. I prefer not to be touched, so how on earth would I miss that? I soon learned in the bedroom however that there was an expectancy to touch and hold. At first I would go along with this ritual but I soon tired of it and the thought of ‘spooning’ made me gag. I then learned however that my dislike of being touched and touching was actual a very useful weapon. I initially refrained from touching purely because I did not like it. No more. No less. The person in bed with me however would make such a scene about it that I learned they had to be touched or held to affirm that I felt something for them. Accordingly, by withholding any form of contact this would really upset them. It was marvellous. I was able to turn an idiosyncrasy of mine into a tool to cause upset and distress. If I refused to cuddle up (I’m shuddering just typing that) then I would be met with loud sighs and pleading requests. This emboldened me to not even face their way. In fact, I would lie looking at them and then purposefully turn my back on them. Moments later the sobbing would start and I would feel the power flowing through me before I drifted off to sleep. From what they told me, they endured many a lonely night trying to sleep. If they tried to place an arm around me, I would shrug it off or if really irritated (and this was a body blow) I would get up and sleep in the spare room. I love doing this. Not only do I get to really isolate the other person but then I can criticise them in the morning for forcing me from my bed and into the spare room. That gives me a delightful boost as I butter my toast.
44 thoughts on “Tears On Your Pillow”
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HG I have two questions:
1. Is it possible/common for narcissist to delay their orgasm on purpose to frustrate their partner who gives them oral sex? To show their partner they are no longer good at it? In the beginning there were no problems with it. But when I entered devaluation it started and it felt on purpose.
2. Have you (as a narcissist) ever experienced a crying partner during sex? I don’t mean crying during orgasm or crying because of pain. I mean crying for no reason out of nowhere during normal sex and when your partner can’t explain why she started to cry. I experienced it only in bed with my narcissist, both during seduction and devaluation. I think I cried becauase I felt no real intimate connection. And it used to suddenly hit me during sexual act. Sex felt so mechanical to me, even during the seduction. It could be technically great but for me it lacked the emotional depth I normally crave. And this caused a sudden sadness. I am curious what he could think about it. He looked confused, he tried to console me, hug me but he was confused because I couldnt explain why I cry. I used to tell him that sex makes me emotional and it doesnt mean there is something wrong. But I also told him it is hard to me to expalin what I really feel and why I cry.
I wonder if it fuelled or wounded him. But he didn’t make me cry on purpose, it was something he didn’t expect, it wasnt linked to something he has done (orgasm or hurting me) so I doubt it could fuel him. He is a M-R.
What do you think about these situatuons, HG?
1. Yes.
2. Yes. If he did not generate the tears then it is not fuel and therefore it will irritate him. He would most likely use your crying as a basis for provoking you so you then get upset with him and thus then give him fuel.
Everything I have read hits home. I am currently 3 months with No sex. I do know that he gets off when I cry and or say something about it. I also know that he will use that against me later on.
He’s working late every night, showers in the morning and when he gets off work (Which is not like him). I have been doing this with him for 10 year’s now. I have become emotionally detached..Numb. I am used to the insults the blaming, the social media notifications , being his slave etc.. I have left him twice. 6 months and once for 8 months. Just long enough to get my self esteem back and then I cave in. He becomes the man I met 10 year’s ago.
I think I have become accustomed to this treatment. I thrive on it just as much as he does. I have been through a whole life time of abuse, and it makes me think that this is all I know. I am 48 year’s old and I don’t think there’s hope for me. I don’t know what it’s like to be loved. I only know when someone wants me. I’m alone and that’s what I like..or maybe that’s all I know.
Sherry, there is always hope. Age doesn’t matter and you are still young. I am looking forward to all the boyfriends I will have in the senior home. 😉
Honey, I’ll be 48 this fall, and I’m not much to look at, but I can’t chase them off with a stick right now.
I’m better looking than my sister and I never understood how she had a full to bursting bullpen.
Now I know. Zero f*cks given. Only I have something she doesn’t, I can still be open and honest and loving with people who deserve everything I have to offer.
You just take care of you. Build a life you enjoy. Care about the people who have proven time and again they have your back. Keep everyone else at a polite distance. Learn how to build and defend boundaries. Learn how to fact check. Thankfully I learned from my ex husband to document the hell out of everything. My latest narc I had a gut instinct something wasn’t right and I saved every communication. When I was ready I went back and looked at the whole sordid affair. It made things very clear for me.
Most importantly that whole harpoon phase. My radar now goes up a whole hell of a lot sooner and narcs get a bland smile and a noncommittal response. Repeat until they go away. A few stick around longer, that’s ok. Once you’re rock solid in your boundaries, they can do whatever they want and it won’t affect you a bit.
That will leave you with people who are worth engaging with, being open and vulnerable with.
You’re not old. Don’t give up. You’re free and you’ve found truth. The best truly does lie ahead. I have to thank my last narc for that. He did put a spring back in my step and since I had already built a rock solid tribe, they kept lifting me up when he bolted. You’ll find your way. If you’re courageous and wise and committed to yourself, you’ll come out of this stronger and happier.
Have faith.
I agree on the hand shake. I’m always amused when meeting people in business. I’ve caught the look of surprise particularly from men on occasion that I have a firm grip shaking hands. They don’t seem to expect it from someone on the petite size. Lol
So what about other kinds of touch? Familial say, business handshake, physical examination, airport security? Is it just intimate touch? Or does all kinds of touching bother you? How about sex? I’m guessing you like that part, so is it that it provides the physical release (and the narcissists I’ve run into are generally extraordinary in bed, so, fuel from that particular ego stroke)?
What about touching yourself? Grooming and such? Is that more enjoyable? The better looking the narcissist the more they seem to like looking at themselves in the mirror and touching their hair/face. And not to be indelicate, but… Self-gratification? The ones I’ve known seem to run the spectrum there, and for some interesting reasons.
Hello HD, excellent questions. I shrink away from any familial touch. Business handshake is fine as it is part of the ‘seduction’ and the need to exert dominance with a firm handshake and a steady gaze. The number of times i have had to grip a limp/clammy hand, it makes my skin crawl BUT it tells me in no uncertain terms that this person will easily be crushed/won over, dependent on perspective. Physical examination – I am in rude health most of the time therefore this is extremely rare and is only allowed as a matter of last resort, it is a dreadful intrusion on a gentleman’s privacy. Airport security – I can deal with that as it is brief.
Touching during sex is no issue because I react in the same way to anybody through being touched, but it is the intimacy that comes with it which is the problem. I can overcome it during seduction – there is a bigger prize at stake – but thereafter, intimacy in that sense causes revulsion and it has to be more about the mechanical act as opposed to the intimacy traditionally associated with it.
I have no issue with touching myself in terms of grooming, masturbation or just to know that I am there.
That confirms a few things for me.
Thanks. 🙂
Pleasure.
If intimacy is the issue, then wouldn’t it be easier to be with hookers for sexual release? I understand sex is a weapon, but I’m referring to the love bombing period where you are wooing a new prospect and devauling/discarding another. I assume at that time you are not sexual with either former or future prospect.
Yes and our kind do that. During the love bombing sex remains on the agenda with both because it is a weapon of seduction (new prospect) and a weapon of devaluation (devalued on the way out prospect) and if the new prospect knows about the former we will of course lie and say the marriage is sexless, we are more like brother and sister etc etc.
Oh I see. That makes sense. Thank you.
You are welcome.
Yes, ditto Sidney’s question as to being curious if you were ever initially drawn to another Narc unknowingly and then the tables turned?
No that has not happened. I am calibrated to detect empaths. I recognise my kind but know far better than to be drawn to them.
I have been reading your posts and must say I am both fascinated and horrified. I appreciate what you are doing in that it provides much needed insight to the N dynamic. I’ve found it to be a final nail in my N’s coffin. He fits all that’s been described here to a T… Toss in I had to spoon him all night (otherwise I didn’t love him), he dotes on his children (to head shaking extremes), and the fact that after the most recent silent treatment, discard, he actually married me. It was spur of the moment, and after one week of wedded bliss, he created a crisis/rage (my fault of course) and moved into his ex wife’s (and children’s) home. I sent him annulment papers and he is crying and pleading to return to me. I’ve read your marriage/divorce post… I would be interested in your opinion as to how proceed in getting him to actually sign. Thank you in advance for your insight.
Hello Sidney, thank you for your post. I am glad that you are finding the insight helpful. He won’t sign those papers when he is wanting to return to you. He will be using your requirement that he signs the papers as evidence of your cold-heartedness towards him and something he can bandy around to show how horrible you are. I suppose you might offer him a carrot and tell him that you will let him come back to try again if he signs the papers. You never know he may be so desperate to garner your supply he will do this. It will also be a hugely generous gesture on his apart which may appeal to his ego as it will be something he will repeatedly remind you of. If you secure his signing and then ditch him thereafter you have got what you want. He will kick and scream and tantrum for a while but I suspect his ex wife will offer him some soothing and supply and he will slink away there, realising you are too astute to bother with after an initial burst of rage.
If he is unlikely to fall for this ruse I would examine alternative options (I don’t know which legal jurisdiction you are in) but I am sure there will be a method of annulment by judicial decree, even if he will not consent. Even if he has no wish to return to you in time, he will not want there to be an annulment as this keeps you open as a form of supply and also if he knows it is something you want from him he may use this to his advantage to keep you dangling.
I would see if he is susceptible to the ruse and if not examine alternatives with your lawyer to securing the annulment.
Thank you for your insight. As I’m sure you suspect already, he is too wise to fall for the ruse. He is utilizing every stall tactic possible. Running the gammet between pleading, rage and the silent treatment, almost daily. I was hopeful that since he walked out on me, in one of his ugliest discards to date, that this annulment might be an easy out for him. Not so. He appears to want me to remain his wife, while living with his ex, and carrying on with the bimbet society. I have tolerated more abuse and shenanigans from him than I prefer to admit, however… his latest offense has proved to be the proverbial last straw. Thank you for your time. Your posts have been most helpful.
I appreciate he is too wise to fall for the ruse. It would appear you will need specific legal advice to achieve that outcome. Yes, he will want to keep you as his wife in order to keep returning to you for occasional fuel and to have you there as a device to triangulate with. You clearly know what you want to achieve and also know him for what he is, so you are several steps to escaping him.
I like the word choices… Fuel and device. Adds more clarity to the situation. Whereas I now know what he is and my desired outcome, it is still quite challenging given several years and the young ones involved. I am determined to “escape” as you say. Have you ever gone against another of your kind? (Using your words) Or do you leave each other alone? Just curious….
No I have never gone against one of my kind. I am too busy chasing down empaths and I know what my kind are so well I would never mistakenly couple with one. I have considered whether utilising one of my kind to triangulate however. I think that would be a fascinating outcome.
Omg every post you have is bone chillingly EXACTLY dead on. I can’t even begin to explain the precision of accuracy. I left my husband the malignant narc a month ago after 4 years total 3 married. Ive learned a lot about this topic since April and understand and can predict most behavior and games now,we have a 2 year old daughter so there a tie we have and most likely divorce in the works. I’m very aware I have battle and combat coming gtom his end. Reading your posts is like getting in his head ..never came across something that addresses everything you do. Thank you for better understanding .
Hello byoung and my apologies for the delay in replying. You are most welcome and I am pleased that being able to read my delinquent ways then you are gaining some insight to help you. You are doing the right thing in learning as much as you can about the topic. Gaining knowledge is hugely important and I suggest you have a read of my publications and especially Escape which will be available later this week. You will have quite the fight on your hands so if you have any other queries and want to know how I would react (and thus your estranged husband) do ask.
Very interesting. My ex required touching at all times otherwise it meant I didn’t love him. At restaurants I had to sit on the same side of the table so my hands could be all over him. If that wasn’t possible, I’d need to get creative including just getting up and kissing him randomly multiple times. He said we should be asked to leave public places because of our PDA. He even asked me why we hadn’t been in a car accident yet – he expected me to be ravishing him constantly. He needed to make love multiple times per day (which was intense and off the charts amazing). The only time touching wasn’t allowed was when it was time to sleep. However, he would put me through times where he would not reciprocate any affection and just make it plain hard for me to touch him in order to see if I could push through it. If I still came after him aggressively and without any response from him, it meant I truly needed him emotionally and physically. I had to be on point at all times. I needed to be thinking 10 steps ahead.
Interesting to read your experience. It screams of control. You must do all these things to please him and make him feel tremendous omnipotence. Also, this meant that when he said no to the touching and also did not reciprocate, as you describe, this was all the more powerful because of the heightened affection you demonstrated. He had you utterly worked out and no doubt was drawing deep on your attention. You were providing it in an intense form for him. You should take a look at Confessions of a Narcissist by H G Tudor on Amazon. You will find a lot to dive into given your experience.
Thank you for the response. You are correct, this was downright righteous control! And, yes, I was a very rich supply. I’m deeply passionate, a caretaker, type A all wrapped into one. I devoted everything I was to him. Every second of my day was about him. I’m a romantic. I loved being needed. I loved the intensity. I loved the challenge. I didn’t love the crazy making focused on destroying my strength and self esteem…
I will absolutely get that book!
You are a narcissist’s dream supply, that’s why he sought you out and did what he did. You will find the book both fascinating and relatable. I look forward to your observations.
Yes. Mine wanted that exactly. Then made it so hard to do. Wanted it while he was driving, sleeping, eating. Everything. Then pulled away and I had a hard time giving what he said to give. It really was hurtful and confusing.
I am the opposite. Touch means adoration to me. So it is difficult for me to understand someone who does not like to be touched. My fiance does not like to be touched or touch either. This was difficult for me at first but I have learned that people express their adoration in different ways. How boring would life be if we were all the same.
Indeed and clearly applicable to your fiancé but to me I equate touch to demonstrating commitment to somebody and I am adverse to that. I only do it at first to get what I want. I don’t adore other people so there is no different way to show adoration.
It is so interesting reading your earlier responses. I wish I found your blog from inception. Instead of wasting time in the devaluation phase with the last narc, I could have been enriched by your brilliance. Do you still equate touch to demonstrating commitment to somebody? Or is there a deeper reason for your dislike?
A more fundamental reason.
I hope you write further about it in one of your upcoming books.
Oh, keep reading the blog, the why will pop out at you, Love.
What is your theory Happy D?
I’m over here busting a gut over Happy D. That’s what I get for having nothing but sons. 😂
I’ve stepped on sir’s feet enough. I should have kept my comment to myself.
Having made a case study of my last narc, I’m wondering how the hell I could have been so blind. It’s always easier to see someone else’s patterns than your own.
Oops I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make your name sound crude by shortening it. When we’re in the relationship, our minds are in a fog. However, once we are out, then the pieces of the puzzle finally fit. Since I’ve never been near Mr. Tudor, never looked in his eyes, never touched him, I honestly don’t know the reason. I can usually make an accurate read when I’m close to a person, in their physical space. I can sense their emotions much better. From my experience, most of my narcs did not like to touch. They only went through the motions when it would gain them something. However, the majority of mine did enjoy being spooned and massaged. They commanded exactly how they wanted to be touched.
Please don’t apologize. You literally made my day. I’ve been sick for 10 days and losing a fortune not working so I greatly appreciated the laugh. 🙂
I’m 99% sure my dad is a malignant narc, we used to call him the absent minded professor because he’s brilliant. And he looked like a blond Elvis and never aged. About 15 years ago women stopped looking at him like he was a sexy beast and started looking at him like he was a sad old man. He disappeared for like 5 years and then discovered you could meet women online and he defrauded a series of women of their money in quick succession, and also let himself go. Horribly. He’s been with the same ratchet hot mess for a while, says they aren’t in a relationship, except when she started some nonsense with me and I told her exactly where she could go, suddenly she was the only woman who ever loved him. Until I saw him a few months ago to pacify my sister and suddenly they aren’t in a relationship anymore… lol. He used to make me so angry and ashamed, now I just think he’s pathetic.
My first husband was also I suspect, he collapsed pretty much after I left him, and has done what my Dad did, using a string of women. He tried briefly to get me back. We were Facebook friends for a while because I was seriously afraid of him but eff fear so I watched him like a hawk. He tried to assassinate my character once on Facebook, my tribe throughly trounced him, and a couple of months of silence he finally blocked me. He has since unblocked me, but no friend request. All my posts are public because I give not a single fuck what people think of me at this point, nor am I afraid of him any longer, he’s no longer a physical threat to me.
My second husband and I were together for 22 years. He’s a sex addict, and I thought maybe he was just a borderline, but we’ve been good friends since younger boyfriend narc was pursuing me. He helped me through all that, and showed some significant remorse about everything he had done. Except I’m wondering now if it was remorse or just some legacy of a ultra-religious upbringing. Or he is simply trying to play me. Either way, things have changed and I’m clear I can’t trust him, so I’m securing my future and making sure I’m safe before I drop the hammer on him.
My dad and my two ex husbands were all huge cuddlers, but always on their terms, always as they wanted. Younger boyfriend narc, he hated touching. He would future fake about it and would do it, but I could literally see him psyching himself up for it, and other things. It was one of the biggest red flags, since I’m super attuned to facial expressions. I’m sure that’s what saved my behind. I could have been in real trouble with him, but I’m long past ignoring my instincts, and I knew something was wrong. I love playing poker and I treated that whole relationship like a poker game, because there were some aspects about it that were exactly what I needed. But I’m not sure I’ve ever run into someone who hated touch before. Horrifically codependent is more my type. Although my second husband, after I found out about him and started making demands, he started sleeping across the bed. Before that we spent every night entangled and he would chase me down if I moved away. He has serious abandonment issues though. For good reason. As did my first husband, for very similar reasons.
I still can’t figure out what this young one wanted from me. He never got anything, unless maybe it was taping us in the act, which, lol, whatever. I know he misread me 12 ways to Sunday. He’s not alone, I’ve run into quite a few since, I’m not sure if they are seeing ghost of old me or think my self knowledge is delf-deprecation. Whatever, they figure out I’m not what they think and panic, in a multitude of ways. It’s comical. And a relief, because they disappear.
If I can perfect identifying them before they harpoon me, I’ll be happy.
Thank you for sharing Happily! I like how you treated your relationship like the game of poker. I agree that there are elements that meet our needs. I hope you are back to feeling 100% well soon.
Isnt it a huge thrill to be touched and to touch when u 1st c her? The rush and excitment of it all and an ego boost?? Maybe u mean afterwards to be left alone
When I first meet somebody who I know will feed me then I will touch them as this is a means to the end of getting my fuel. Their touching of me shows they are giving me attention and therefore that feeds me and therefore I allow it. I don’t actually like to touch but my need for fuel overrides that concern. Later, I can use the withdrawal of touching as a weapon to create more attention from you, in the form of you being upset. Touching or the lack of thus works in two ways to give me the fuel that I need.
My world with ‘him’.
I’m a very tactile person….he made sure to not only withdraw it, but to make me ask for it and then to penalize me for asking for it. I told him that as I enjoyed being with him and cared for him, why wouldn’t I want to touch him? I also told him that to me, he is like the tasty delictable treats in a bakery, on the other side of the glass; you can see them, you want them but you can’t have them! He told me I was needy and clingy which resulted in a google search for me and me subsequently backing away from him. I stopped reaching out, stopped giving of myself and stopped asking for affection. Can you now say narcissistic injury because I no longer loved him?
If you have withdrawn and done so without emotion, this will wound if he is continuing to try to engage with you.