Hoover Manoeuvre

During one session Dr E and I talked about relationships and friendships. More about that on another occasion. This discussion did however cause him to make an observation at our next session. He said to me

“You gather friends and lover very easily.” I thanked him for that and offered, without him needing to ask, that some of us have a natural magnetism. He nodded but I sensed that this was not what he actually wanted to talk about. I waited and he continued.

“You also end friendships and relationships after comparatively short periods of time.”

Before I could challenge him about what clearly was an attack, he pressed on.

“What interests me however is why you feel the need to reconnect with these people you have so readily cast aside, once again. Perhaps you could explain that to me.”

After due consideration (actually I was thinking about adding to my collection of whiskies but it does no harm does it to make Dr E think I am taking his question very seriously since he is a very serious man) I gave him my answer. I explained that I need to know that I remain appealing to them and that they will admire me once again. Sometimes it is because they have something that I want. He asked for an example. I said that one friend was a newspaper columnist and I wanted him to write-up a product I was promoting so I made contact with him once again to ensure that he would do this for me. I expressed contrition for me failure to keep in touch (I blamed a girlfriend for being jealous and controlling) and he accepted my explanation and happily wrote the article I requested. I’ve not spoken to him since. Dr E asked if it was necessary for them to provide me with something tangible such as money or a place to stay. I said I had both of those so I would not be seeking those out. I did offer that I have the repeated need to feel powerful and if I can regain their admiration after the way I got rid of them, then that makes me feel especially powerful. I also confirmed that I see it as a personal challenge. I need to know I can extract some more juice from them so that’s why I look to rope them back in. Dr E asked if anybody had every evaded my attempts at drawing somebody back in again. I nodded and confirmed just one person. Dr E sat up with an interested expression.

“Do you know how this person evaded you?”

“Yes,” I answered, “she died.”