Joy of Text
I love sending text messages. They are a useful and inexpensive method of ensuring that I remain in the forefront of the thoughts of the relevant recipient. I do this to show how much I care about that person even when they are not with me. I am thoughtful in that way. It is important though that they reply straight away to my message as otherwise I become restless and that is fair to me. You see, I have been able to text them (even when I am extremely busy) and accordingly they should do so too. There is no excuse. In fact, I find it a particular affront if I do not get a reply and a suitably admiring one at that. For reasons of efficiency and speed I keep a stock of set texts which I utilise often and with different people. My standard texts are as follows
Where are you?
Who are you with?
Are you missing me?
When can I see you?
What are you doing?
I love you so much.
I’m too busy for you today.
I recommend this collection to you.
51 thoughts on “Joy of Text”
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Why thank you H.G. My Narc once told me with an observation that I’m like a “sponge” in the way I absorb my surroundings in order to adapt to them. There will be a tie this time!
A always ‘introduced’ another woman or even several other women immediately after we’d spent the happiest times together or shared the most intimate moments. It was either by mentioning another woman’s name, by looking at another woman in a special, more-intense-than m-appropriate way, by standing just a tad too close to another woman, by sitting differently when in a social setting (like turning his back to me just a little bit too much, and instead turning to the OW just a little bit too often). Of course, he also loved the mobile phone game (especially reading, texting, mentioning messages to other women), sometimes he’d simply be looking at his phone more often or more unexpectedly or at unconvenient times, such as in bed after we’d made love. Or by NOT looking at his phone at convenient times, LOL! By suddenly interrupting text conversations without giving any decent explanation, or by saying “sorry, I am too tired or exhausted or angry at XYZ I can’t follow up on this.”
An interesting thing was that he always found a reason to not speak over the phone. In 2 years, we had less than 10 real one-on-one phone conversations. Each and every one of them was initiated by him though and related to hoovering me when so had withdrawn temporarily (engaged in that toxic ‘silent treatment competition’). Them he would talk for hours and reel me back i . But usually, he withheld that type of communication for day-to-day exchange, because he knew it woul’ve made me happy to connect in that way. Instead, I received over 2,000 text messages from him, according to my WhatsApp stats! Note we lived in different cities, about 200 miles away from each other. But he could easily make it feel like 2.000 light years away, even when I lay in his bed.
His standard text messages were (in order of relevance):
1. Where are you?
[That was his no. 1 favorite. He’d usually send this when I hadn’t texted for a while, or didn’t immediately respond to one of his texts. Or just in the middle of the day to check up on me.]
2. “Greetings/kisses from…”
[insert a location of your choice; he’d usually send this from one of his many travels]
3. I wish you were here!
4. “I have to tell you how great you were last weekend / how good I felt/it felt with you last weekend / how much I (!) enjoyed being with you last weekend… ”
[he always started with sth. positive but implying in-between the lines to ‘keep the standard up or he’d be disappointed],
“… but today, I feel so drained and depleted… I thing I will be ill.”
[Is he implying that it is somehow my fault that he is feeling bad today?]
4. “I am just in our parc/taking a coup of tea in our café/at that flea-market we visted last week-end and it is so lovely here today!”[Sometimes, he’d add:] “Oh, and I took X along” [X would either be a beautiful female from work or randomly met, or someone I’d never heard of before], “and she too likes it very much here!” [To ramp it up, he’d add:] “We agreed that it would be nice to meet up here more often…”
5. “You look so… in that black/red/new dress (on your profile pic)… will you be in town sometime?”
[He was usually busy elsewhere but wanted to get a fresh hold on me, just in case]
6. Dear Alice, how are you, what are you up to?”
[Sometimes, he’d add:]
“I miss the way we talked”
[or sth. similar to re-manifacture an atmosphere of intimacy]
That was usually used when I has gone no contact for several weeks or even months. He’d always, robotically use the “Dear Alice” introduction after a long period of silence between us. Otherwise, NEVER!
It is so insidious and hurtful because it is a Slow poison injected according to the rules of a hidden agenda. You watch us fight and struggle and hope and work for it. But you never wanted it to work out in the first place. You want it to fail so that you can re-affirma to yourself that everything is futile, noboty really counts, nothing is ever worth committing to.
I am so sad right now. I wonder if it is useful for my healing to spend any more time and energy on this blog here… it diverts my attention, it robs my time and it triggers my feelings.
After all, you are like him, but you will never be him.
Hi Alice,
I’m sorry you are having a rough day. Ignorance is bliss and I find myself grieving for the all trusting, unconditionally loving person I opened myself up to be to what turns out to be a cold-blooded reptilian monster. I love the part of me that can be that way and don’t want to lose that. However, I’m now so hyper-vigilant for self-preservation. It’s ok to take a few days or week(s) from this blog to clear your head. One of the most important things I’ve learned from H.G.’s blogs is that in order to survive, they have to mimic behaviors and reflect us. I actually used that to my advantage this past weekend in an exchange with my Narc after a 5 week silent period. Referred to him as IT while pointing out his unacceptable behaviors. Oh, did he lash out, in pure textbook form, and I expected it this time. For the first time, I did not get hurt. I was controlling this interaction start to finish, and you know what? Felt amazing. To mimic his devaluing technique against him – his responses were different in that i could feel his fear at being exposed thru the phone. Use these blogs to help build up your defenses. When they get you down, take break from them. Wishing you happy thoughts for your weekend!
Thanks for sharing the outcome of your interaction with your narc. I think your narc needs to be re-trained at Narc Academy. We cannot have you get one over on us!
Alice – I am so sorry you are having a rough day dealing with this. I am definitely going through a process of grieving for the naive, all-in, unconditionally loving person I was (and at least can still be in one form with my sweet daughter), but I’m forever changed and hope that it is not lost forever to experience with another. It’s ok to take a break from these and give your head something else to think about.
One of the most interesting things I learned here, was how they “mimic” behaviors / feelings to exist in their everyday life and blend. I recently had an exchange with my Narc where I “mimicked” a devalue technique and turned it on him. He was backed in a corner and I got a dose of rage I hadn’t seen in quite some time. Even 3 months ago, that encounter would have me sick and reeling for weeks. But this time, after studying these blogs, his actions are straight out of a playbook and I can now compartmentalize and as H.G. says, just don’t take it personal or get hurt. It was actually quite empowering.
Hang in there! You’re not alone!
Thanks for sharing this Clarece, it seems that you are learning how to handle your narc. You seem like quite a challenge which of course quickens the pulse and fires up the senses.
Hi Alice, thank you for sharing this. There are some classic moves in the texts that you have written about and in particular the fourth one. The way we communicate is central to our existence because we much prefer words (be they spoken or written) over action as they are easier to produce and use up less of our energy. You are right about it being a slow poison and such an effective one. It is inevitable that what I write will divert your attention and trigger certain feelings and that will produce good and bad outcomes for you. It may make you feel spirited or empowered to assist others (as you have done with other of your posts)or it may remind you of what has happened and open old wounds. Naturally, it is your choice as to how you use this blog but I appreciate your contributions nevertheless.
A always ‘introduced’ another woman or even several other women immediately after we’d spent the happiest times together or shared the most intimate moments. It was either by playing the mobile phone game (especially reading, texting, mentioning messages to other women), by simply looking at his phone more often or more unexpectedly or at unconvenient times, such as in bed after we’d made love. Or by NOT looking at his phone at convenient times, LOL! By suddenly interrupting text conversations without giving any decent explanation, or by saying “sorry, I am too tired or exhausted or angry at XYZ I can’t follow up on this.”
An interesting thing was that he always found a reason to not speak over the phone. In 2 years, we had less than 10 real one-on-one phone conversations. Each and every one of them was initiated by him though and related to hoovering me when so had withdrawn temporarily (engaged in that toxic ‘silent treatment competition’). Them he would talk for hours and reel me back i . But usually, he withheld that type of communication for day-to-day exchange, because he knew it woul’ve made me happy to connect in that way. Instead, I received over 2,000 text messages from him, according to my WhatsApp stats! Note we lived in different cities, about 200 miles away from each other. But he could easily make it feel like 2.000 light years away, even when I lay in his bed.
His standard text messages were (in order of relevance):
1. Where are you?
[That was his no. 1 favorite. He’d usually send this when I hadn’t texted for a while, or didn’t immediately respond to one of his texts. Or just in the middle of the day to check up on me.]
2. “Greetings/kisses from…”
[insert a location of your choice; he’d usually send this from one of his many travels]
3. I wish you were here!
4. “I have to tell you how great you were last weekend / how good I felt/it felt with you last weekend / how much I (!) enjoyed being with you last weekend… ”
[he always started with sth. positive but implying in-between the lines to ‘keep the standard up or he’d be disappointed],
“… but today, I feel so drained and depleted… I thing I will be ill.”
[Is he implying that it is somehow my fault that he is feeling bad today?]
4. “I am just in our parc/taking a coup of tea in our café/at that flea-market we visted last week-end and it is so lovely here today!”[Sometimes, he’d add:] “Oh, and I took X along” [X would either be a beautiful female from work or randomly met, or someone I’d never heard of before], “and she too likes it very much here!” [To ramp it up, he’d add:] “We agreed that it would be nice to meet up here more often…”
5. “You look so… in that black/red/new dress (on your profile pic)… will you be in town sometime?”
[He was usually busy elsewhere but wanted to get a fresh hold on me, just in case]
6. Dear Alice, how are you, what are you up to?”
[Sometimes, he’d add:]
“I miss the way we talked”
[or sth. similar to re-manifacture an atmosphere of intimacy]
That was usually used when I has gone no contact for several weeks or even months. He’d always, robotically use the “Dear Alice” introduction after a long period of silence between us. Otherwise, NEVER!
It is so insidious and hurtful because it is a Slow poison injected according to the rules of a hidden agenda. You watch us fight and struggle and hope and work for it. But you never wanted it to work out in the first place. You want it to fail so that you can re-affirma to yourself that everything is futile, noboty really counts, nothing is ever worth committing to.
I am so sad right now. I wonder if it is useful for my healing to spend any more time and energy on this blog here… it diverts my attention, it robs my time and it triggers my feelings.
After all, you are like him, but you will never be him.
I just stumbled upon this, so I apologize if I’m not using this site as intended. It seems as though you are open to questions, though? If so, I have one (maybe two). There were a few times my covert narc ex (female) would say things to me that were intended to be reassuring. However, the look in her eyes while saying them…it was dark, cold, devoid of anything remotely similar to care. For someone so good at playing emotions, how could she not hide that? Or was it maybe intentionally done so as to add to the overall mind games? Also….a sex question. Mine flat out told me she was “buying time” by sleeping with me. Time until she ended things, that is. Can someone really be so separated and cut off from emotions, at least how I see them, that they can engage in sex with a partner of multiple years for the sole purpose of hiding what they planned to do a few months down the road? Thanks in advance for any response!
I should add that she told me this “buying time” piece AFTER she ended the relationship when I asked why she was still doing all she was doing.
Yes, duly noted.
Hello Carol, thank you for stumbling upon me. Yes, by all means ask whatever you like as often as you would like. We are brilliant at mimicking emotions because we spend an age studying the way people behave and react and then duplicate them. What we are not good at is mimicking what is in someone’s eyes when they express an emotion. Hence that is why out eyes give them game away and why I often wear sunglasses.
Yes we are easily able to separate our emotions. It is difficult for healthy people to understand but we will act out certain behaviours, do certain things and say certain things purely as a means to getting what we want, namely fuel. We will feign affection in order to achieve your undying attention or portray interest in everything you say to make you think we are a good listener. Sex is just another manipulative tool and you should never read anything into our desire to have sex often (and brilliantly with you) as meaning we love you. It is another device we utilise.
Thank you! I appreciate you taking the time to answer. Glad I stumbled upon this too 🙂
Hi Carol, you are welcome.
It’s weird…looking back just realized she often wears sunglasses too.
Ta dah !
I was free. He came back. Said alot of things he didn’t mean. My replacement has a lot of money of course he’s not to eager to give it up. But we end up in fights every 3 weeks or do from his games. When I call him out as I’m wise to his antics he tries turning it around that I misunderstood or he didn’t mean it like that so on and so on. I have a couple guys in my life that were there before him and we got back in contact after his Crappy discard. He’s well aware of them even told me I was suppose to hold him above them. Really? You have a girlfriend!! Why do I need to? But I’ve called him a narcissist and a pychopath to his face he cries tells me that it hurts him so much. My response then you’d be done with the f up’d games you play. He goes back to being good then tapers off again causing another fight. This last one ended in me telling him he is worse than my ex husband who is a pychopath. He said after that comment that we are definitely done. Thank god my nightmare is finally over. I said good bye Dan. He never said anything after that but please tell me it’s over.
Hi Becky and thanks for your post. His game playing is our archetypal method of extracting attention and a reaction from you o that you feed us fuel. His declarations of being hurt are him playing the pity card (have a look at Manipulated by HG Tudor on Amazon as that discusses the use of pity as a manipulative tool). I do not think you will be rid of him just yet because each time he appears you provide him with a reaction. You call him names and insult him. This means you are reacting to him and that gives him fuel. He probably disappears for a while as he has other sources of fuel to go to but he will be back to see if he can get anymore out of you. This are classic moves.
Ive been back and forth with my narc for 2+ years. He never takes longer than a week to get back to me. He has gone through some serious issues lately, deaths in the family and personal business which is probably causing him some narcissistic injury. I have been there for him but am so fed up this last time I went out of my way to tell him what a no good person he is to me so he’s back to the silent treatment which i initiated. I am determined to go no contact but I always have given in before. If there is contact in the future and if this was you would you stop bothering me if all I did was put you down? I haven’t done that before
Hello Shelly and thank you for your post. In a word ; no. We love attention. If you call me names and put me down, I don’t feel hurt by it because I just regard you as jealous, inferior and crazy. In fact, I love the fact that you are getting all worked up about me. You are giving me attention and that is what I really want. It comes in two forms – admiration when everything is going swimmingly and then a range of emotional reactions (anger, tears, begging, shouting and so on) when I have devalued you.
Ok thanks for the reply
You are welcome
If I bring to his attention that I dont want this anymore because of what he is doing with other women this will make him mad, right? He denies it and it insults my intelligence so why would I keep up this charade? He wont let go but i should keep up knowing what hes doing? It insults my intelligence and puts me at harm, so therefor I dont see how he cares for me as much as he tells me, on his own free will.. Any thoughts?
Kelly –
Why do you want to stay? Who knows who or what is on his list, why would you want to subject yourself to that? He won’t change … ever. This behavior is not a choice it’s in their DNA. They can’t change it.
Am I correct to assume you haven’t been involved in this relationship long? It only gets worse, you get sucked in deeper the longer you stay, the more it will hurt. Trust me…
Thank you for your advice and attention. It has been awhile and were both busy wirh jobs and family of our own. We met at work, he hired me, became friends quickly, love bombed me to death, very charming, attractive Dr. It was like i was under a spell, knew i had to get away because its not our lives, its just fantasy yet he has always sd so many things to keep me hooked, I respect h professionally and work elsewhere now yet his communication hadnt stopped and I find it hard to be rude, i know what i know , it makes me sick sometines buf then again so does my behavior. I have pleaded my feelings of caring, excitement and all but many many times sd that this is causing me anxiety and I need to be ok and safe with my family.. He’ll say he understands but doesn’t like it, then calls within 24 hrs telling me in a sad voice he doesnt want me to go. I get sucked back in, very hard, so the things i know in my gut and i know from him just make me stronger to just say enough leave me alone, its just not me, i want it to be ok and have good thouhts of each other not bad, i also dont want him to wish revenge on me, although he has not expressed that, just want to end on a pleasant note after all that, couple of years and stop obsessing after I say it and follow through, any of this sound familiar? Thank you!!
You are welcome. Thank you for interacting. Yes, what you describe is entirely familiar. He needs you and wants you to be with him. You have said that you feel anxiety but you don’t say why this is. From what you describe he is acting entirely positively towards you, is this a problem and if so why?
Correct. We are hard wired to be this way.
Perhaps if you try harder to provide the attention he needs then his focus will shift back onto you. He won’t let go as he needs the attention from you. He also will not let go as he expects the attention from you and will wish to punish you for not providing it. I know I would. I would keep you there to give me attention, be it in the form of admiration or even if it is you getting upset, as long as you are focussing it on me. You must understand that our need for this attention is pretty much constant and that is what drives us to do as we do. You are our fuel and we have to extract every drop from you. If you are not providing us with enough, we will look elsewhere. He may let you go if he finds sufficient attention elsewhere and in effect forgets about you, or if he is like me, he will keep you dangling in order to punish you.
Thank you and yes I meant a few men, what if you knew she was calling and meeting them, how do u feel about that. Especially since he, not sure if u too, but he wants to feel he has all of me, controls me and no one else, i think this is the casebat least he claims this
I would be surprised if she was seeing other men as she has no need to as she has me. If however that did happen then I would ensure she returned her attention to me and not him, by any means possible.
You didn’t answer my question.
What was it about me that made you hold on to me longer than the rest of the parade of women that came and went? (Of course you didn’t know i knew about most of them.)
Most likely it was because you gave me what I needed in greater amounts and for a longer period of time than the others. Also, the others were utilised to leverage the greater production of fuel from you.
” I swear sometimes I could see the the smile on your face when you gave me your worst. Did you hate me for seeing the real you and loving you anyway?”
I believe he did. If he can love, he can hate and hate with a vengeance. narcissistic injury…
Yes we can love and we can hate. As long as we get some kind of emotional reaction from you. That is the fuel that we need. We need your attention and we will take it if is golden and bright or if it is tearful as long as it is directed at us. Keep the spotlight firmly on me. That way I feel important, strong and necessary.
Anticipate no longer. I always gave you what you needed.
Is that why I lasted longer than the others? I did feel very loved at times, and there were times when I could also feel the pure evil inside you too. I could tell when you went out of your comfort zone to prove to me your love, but God forbid I didn’t praise you enough for your gestures you made me pay with tears and pain. I swear sometimes I could see the the smile on your face when you gave me your worst. Did you hate me for seeing the real you and loving you anyway?
Yes, if you don’t provide us with sufficient attention to fuel us we have to do something to create it. That means lashing out at you and causing a reaction. The never ending pursuit of fuel to fill me up is what drives me on and on and on. I do not care how I get it as long as I get it and I will do anything to get it.
Regardless of how attentive she is to you, your probably going to keep looking? For your enjoyment, she’s not enough, is my guess
She is not enough. You’ve got it right. One is never enough. Just like one crispy crème doughnut is never enough!
1 more quick? What if one of your woman were to have a list they call on, how does it effect you
I don’t understand the question. A list of what? Other men that they call on? Is that what you mean?
Thank you for answering, this helps so much. I’m wondering why he’s very eager to see me, I’m def. Number 3 or more, I know about someone else contacting him but he denies their relationship to me however I am an educated woman and have a hrain. He knows I know rhis feom a message about meeting that I heard but he wants to convince me Im the onlt one?? Why can’t i get away, I dont feel like being shared and I have a family. He doesnt want me to leave yet has others and lies and has his own life. Said all the love boming and keeps it up after so long, just why am I important if you have orhers that r easier to get to, they dont have families, i do feel special but deep deep down know im just a number, right? Love that i can ask u anything
You are most welcome and I am pleased you are finding it of use. You are important because in our eyes you are providing us with the admiration that is central to our being. We make you feel special as you are special. Our hunger for admiration is such however that you alone can probably not provide it and therefore he is looking to obtain that admiration from elsewhere. We are always seeking admiration and one person, no matter how hard they try,just cannot give us enough. Yes you are a number. A special number but still a number.
I know that you don’t care, but are you even aware at all of the amount of devastation you wreak on peoples lives?
And with your victims, do you chose one that you will devastate and torture more than the others? If so, how is that one special person picked for such a highly regarded position in your life?
I have noticed a tendency amongst those who I have interacted with to struggle to deal with my brilliance. I guess they are just not strong enough and when I move on they seem unable to do so. I don’t know why that is, perhaps I just have a habit of picking weak people. I know some declared that I have “ruined their life” but they made the choices for themselves, not me.
I choose people because they are special to me. They stand out from the crowd and all I want to do is be with them. Something always changes though. They become needy or start criticising my behaviour. They spoil what we initially had with their selfishness and that really infuriates me. I saw something wonderful in them and then they alter it and make out like I am the issue. I cannot tolerate that so that’s when they have to be punished. I just wish people wouldn’t let me down, then I wouldn’t have to do what I do.
So you usually find them wonderful at 1st? If you already have some wonderful ladies in your life why go for another one and is she specoal to or just another person? You are always nice and talk special to her, do u mean to be? And when she knows for sure that shes not the only one how can u expect her not to bring it up and feel jelous.. This makes u mad that she knows but how do u want her to handle it, can u except her jelousy and let her move on, although u dont and let her know your unhappy about her not seeing u or contacting u as much anymore .. Any insight would be helpful, thanks
I always find them wonderful in the beginning. I have written about this in the post, ‘In the Beginning’ which you may wish to read. I go for a second person so that I can ensure I have enough admirers (sometimes I seek out a third, maybe more). I need them to ensure I am adored as this makes me feel empowered. It also enables me to play them off against one another. By keeping them on their toes, because they do not want to lose being with me because I am so wonderful to them (at least initially) I ensure they try hard as hell to keep me happy by pouring adoration my way. The first person is my initial admirer, the second is a top-up an a catalyst to ensure number one keeps trying (and vice versa – I like to swap them around) and number three is insurance. I don’t understand why she would be jealous as she has me hasn’t she? If I am becoming interested in someone else, it is her fault that has happened.Jealousy is not going to help rectify that situation. Being more attentive will be. She cannot move on, that is not her decision to make. It is mine.
But I was such a good little empath. I knew exactly what you were from years of dealing with my father. I adored you and loved you, showered you with praise you didn’t really deserve, but I knew you needed it. When you were boastful i smiled and listened albeit rolled my eyes when you weren’t looking … why did you discard me?
I can only maintain my construct for a finite period and I am not equipped to sustain a meaningful relationship. That’s what Dr S declared(I don’t see him anymore – he knew nothing). I got bored and someone more interesting came along. (I saw the eye rolls btw)
Of course you did. Did you love me? Are you capable of loving period. All the books say you can’t … but can you? You sure had me convinced as much as I tried to fight it.
Of course I loved you. The problem with the books is that they have a pre-conceived concept of what love is. Surely love is whatever the subject feels? How can there be such an objective test for something that is utterly intrinsic to a person and is visceral. I love you although you may not feel loved. That could be because we both have different standards of gauging what love is. How can anyone else know what I feel for someone else other than me. You’ve raised an excellent point. I will be taking this up with Doctors E and O. I anticipate a post about this too.
Miss_taken- Your comments are so relatedly gut-wrenching but also so personally directed at H.G. Are you actually one of his victims and you found these blogs?