I Love You,But

th (13)Love. It is the most powerful emotion. It is the emotion that virtually everybody wants to receive. Love from your parents, love from your best friend and love from your other half. In fact, that desire goes further. Companies want people to love their products. An artist wants the public to love his creations. A chef wants diners to love his meals. It is interesting how widely used the word love is. Come to this theme park, you will love it. Have you seen the latest Tom Cruise movie? You will love watching it. It is used over and over again. This noble and most powerful emotion is applied to such triviality as “I love the colour red” or “I love my new shoes”. Yet, notwithstanding its clear overuse it loses none of its potency.

I seize on the power of this emotion in my works by utilising the phrase “I love you,but”. As soon as you hear those magical three words at the start, your ears prick up and you feel a surge of delight. He has told me again that he loves me, I feel wanted and special. The soaring sensation only lasts momentarily because attached to it comes a dual pronged attack the purpose of which is to control you.

When I say ” I love you but I wish you wouldn’t wear that dress,” I am criticising you for appearing like a slut. By linking my criticism in a sentence professing my love for you I am demonstrating just how much you are disappointing me by going out in such attire. I am figuratively punching you with a sugar-coated knuckleduster. It wounds and it is meant to do so.  Furthermore, it contains a threat. If you do not do what I want, I will remove my love from you. Used repeatedly, this will feel like a boxer landing repeated jabs on you as it whittles away your confidence. I keep this potential loss hanging over you. It is a method of control. You will now change the dress because you do not want to lose my love. You will also tell yourself, because of the way I have conditioned you, that he is only saying it because he loves me, how good is that? He really cares about me so much he takes note of what I am wearing and is sufficiently interested to point out when I am wearing something he doesn’t approve of. You con yourself, for fear of losing my love, that my motivation is predicated on a real interest in caring about you. That is completely wrong. It is a tool of control. Listen out for it and you will soon notice how often it is used against you.

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22 thoughts on “I Love You,But”

  1. Hello,
    I am reading your blogs and also read your book, “Evil”, and find all of it quite compelling and helpful as I heal in the aftermath of a 3-yr on again, off again relationship.
    My 1st question to you, in your treatment that you reference in your book, have your doctors ever discussed the potential of when you are hurting or devaluing your person of choice, as with misogynists, deep in their subconscious where this behavior was learned, your brain releases dopamine, making you feel good. Hence, it makes you want to repeat the pattern over and over. This becoming as addictive for you, as it is for the victim when we finally get a positive morsel from you reminding us of the ” golden period”. It would just connect the dots, that would be why you continue to resurface to hoover, you become as addicted to your victims too on a subconscious level?
    In another blog, you write about criticizing a victim following a kind act because it irritates you to be reminded you are not capable of such things. In your alone time, do you ponder what the love and bond must feel like, say between mother and child? To truly be willing to want to give your life if need be out of love or protection like a mother would for her child? That there is love that can also transcend and be that powerful between 2 adults? Is that what fuels your rage internally?
    Lastly, I should thank you as I read “Evil” about 3 weeks ago and started on your blogs. It was about that time, my dear narc resurfaced. Still dealing with trace amounts of denial that he could really be this and accept this was all an illusion and only love on my part, I separated mind from heart and responded first with the all adoring, flattering, relief filled texts / emails without a trace of anger for just being discarded. Within a week he was doing the Switch. One day making plans like he wanted to see me, then going silent or getting an icy text that he was sick (knowing I’d back off a few days).
    I know of another woman (a very troubled, young, bi-polar single mom who posts her life events on Twitter by the hour daily across the grid from sexual exploits to pics of her kid) he has been with probably the same as me for over a year. Anyways, after giving him a respite, I started pressing for an answer on why did he reach out this time and gave a deadline to hear back by the next morning. Of course he did not the following day. However, his other “Supply”, Screenshot a text exchange they had at 7:40 am on Twitter the morning I asked him to get back to me.
    My move, wise or not, screenshot that Twitter post and texted it to him, with a message that I’m done slumming it with him and he is welcome to her since they are clearly cut from the same cloth. And now I Win. I will be rid of him.
    I wanted him to know I was feeling completely superior to him and I knew he would hate that I caught on to this other woman.
    After sending that, I immediately blocked his #, blocked FB, actually deactivated my Twitter & Instagram to go full no contact.
    My close friend pulled up the Twitter page of the other ” Supply” woman and later the day I sent that msg to my Narc, they both tweeted how there was a “Salty Bitch” creeping on them. They couldn’t tag me and didn’t use my name. Nothing I can’t live with. I’m sure he was relishing in feeling like he was going to get a girl fight over him (triangulation play), but not a chance. He was very keen on always “winning” at things. My final words that I Win now being rid of him, well, I hope it stung for a second or two.
    Does the law of diminishing return ever kick in on truly being done with one of your sources for fuel?
    Please excuse this long post, but my head has just been swimming with so many thoughts since reading your material.

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      1. Hello MLA thank you for reading and also your post> I am digesting its content and shall reply tomorrow. I wanted you to know that your post is receiving my attention.

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    1. Hello MLA. First of all thank you for your post and also for reading Evil. I hope you tackle the other publications as their revelations, whilst uncomfortable, are going to help you on your healing. Receiving insight from the horse’s mouth is a massive advantage. There hasn’t been any discussion of dopamine although they have discussed with me the addictive nature of what I do so in essence it has been touched on. I freely admit that the power surge I receive from obtaining fuel is addictive but it is more than addiction it is necessary. I have needed this power surge and fuel before I became addicted to how it feels.
      In respect of the nature of bonding and freely giving love, I do not have any children nor do I intend to so I do not contemplate how this sensation might feel in that context. I do wonder what it is that drives healthy people to do what they do in the name of love. I wonder if they receive some kind of surge like I do, but based on different ways. I wonder if I am wired to the negative and they to the positive and perhaps that is why their version of love manifests in a different way. I do not like to contemplate my situation to often as it troubles me and further this is wasting valuable time which I could be using to gather fuel.
      I read with interest your situation. If you can maintain it, your no contact approach will annoy the hell out of him for a short while. You correctly identify his use of the Switch and triangulation. He will try and drag you back in. You may find reading Manipulated of interest given what he might do. We hate no contact. He will try to pull you back in but I suspect if you can maintain no contact he will just focus on the other woman and then triangulate her.
      I find the law of diminishing returns does not really apply to my sources. The challenge of seeing if even the tiniest drop of fuel can be wrung from the frazzled, brow-beaten and shattered individual who is trying his or her hardest to resist is very attractive. Even if only a drop can be obtained it taste so sweet and potent it gives a wonderful surge. That is why we keep trying to hook you back in. It reinforces our entitlement, our superiority and garners delicious fuel.

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      1. Hello!

        I greatly appreciate the thought and detail you put into your response to me; even being so considerate as to my healing process. I know better though. 😉

        Without trying to get too clinical, here is a quick breakdown of what happens chemically within a victim’s brain over time with the abuse of silent treatments, devaluation, discard and then when a new cycle begins with the “love-bombing”.
        In my therapy experience with what I’m pursuing to address with my counselor, I’m studying subconscious vs. cognitive thinking which leads to high range beta-brainwaves. This develops for example when a human is in danger and they go into flight or flee mode. Cortisol and adrenaline are released causing a person to react out of a state of negative emotion and not calm thinking. This can lead to behavior such as you write about victims coming to your house pacing and pounding on the door with no dignity left in them. What makes this worse in this kind of relationship, the victim stays in this state for extended periods of time causing mental damage and sometimes physical, health / stress related problems. When you (or the Narc) returns giving positive attention, the excitement and relief releases dopamine (pleasure chemical) in the brain. This constant surging of powerful emotions / chemicals creates peptide addiction in the very cells of our body. Hence our addiction to you even when we logically know in our time away from you this is toxic, wrong, etc. However, my theory is your brain is also releasing these chemicals at opposite times, making you addictive to your victims thus creating a bond. It’s like for your kind, all of your love bombing tactics and even sex (which is a chore for you), doing couply things like getaways, dinners, dates, etc is all the foreplay and your climactic moment is when you finally get to release your first attack whether a rage rant, a silent treatment, whatever. Then you are overcome with the sensation of pleasure whereas we receive that when we are feeling love and inspiration with our brain thinking the sky is the limit.
        My therapist uses the analogy frequently of scientists testing rats in a maze. The rats who get rewarded every time at the end of the maze at the correct location gets cheese. Over time, the rats get lazy and don’t seem to care if they finish or find the cheese. They get it all the time. The rats who only get the cheese once in a while, feverishly never tire of trying to get to the correct end of the maze to get their cheese. It’s like a race to the death for them. Oh, when they get it, their brains release their pleasure chemical.
        I am a very data driven person. I need facts to know how to methodically make a choice and move in a new direction. Not only am I working on emotionally healing from past wounds that obviously lead me into this 3 year situation, but also tackling it like a drug addiction almost with having to alter literally how my brain relates and reacts to him.
        Would it be interesting for you to approach Dr. O and Dr. E with this concept of if your brain could be retrained somehow to find the pleasure in interacting in your relationships in positive ways and not negative? You admit it “troubles” you when you contemplate thinking about what drives healthy people to do the things they do for love, and then you have to stop because it’s too uncomfortable for you. You should explore that more.
        Just last week, my young daughter was getting ready to leave for a trip with her dad out of state for a relative’s funeral (her dad and I are divorced). We were out to eat at a restaurant and the Christina Perri song “A Thousand Years” came on to play. My daughter so sweetly looked at me and said, “Mom, I will love you for a thousand years!”. If you can for a second imagine the powerful, sweet surge you feel when you have someone begging / crying for your love and attention, I can tell you unequivocally, it pales in comparison to that kind of real love.
        As far as my recent interaction last week with going full no contact, you agree his actions were The Switch and then trying Triangulation. We live about two hours apart but I know he’s coming to town in four weeks for a function as an alum at the University he graduated from here where I live. That was actually how we met was at a Homecoming football game and he will be coming with his other Entourage of alums for this year’s game and festivities. I’m uneasy that if he is going to try to reach out, the few days leading up to or that weekend will be when he strikes. Just a hunch.
        He told me once that I do get under his skin. He thinks I’m very feisty probably because I do fight back with him and not always roll into the fetal position. So I am not sure if I’m out of his system or not. I never really tried the full no contact before. The longest for either one of us was typically about a month and either I would cave or he would reach out and then immediate contact would commence. My therapy has been much more intensive for about 3 months following a devastating interaction with him in July and really realizing what was happening internally and what he truly is. Up until then, I truly believed I kept hearing from him because he loved me on some level. I know he just loves how I make HIM feel now. Nothing more.
        And yes, getting to come to you to interact and question almost has a “Silence of the Lambs” feel to it. I hope you take that in a good way. 🙂
        Enjoy your evening! Hope to hear back!

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      2. Hello, thank you for your very interesting post. I have never examined the chemical science behind the behaviours before, although I must confess that does make sense. I have some interesting material now to put to Dr O and Dr E, thank you. I shall make mention of it to them and I shall be interested in their responses. Naturally, I shall pass your comments off as my own, but you already knew that was going to happen. I do take the view that my kind and me are susceptible to many addictions and as a consequence that means that we get an even more extreme reaction than your average person. Do you think that empaths are also more prone to being hooked in this way? Do you generate greater levels of dopamine than other people or is that my kind and me somehow trigger a greater reaction in your than somebody else? I know how my manipulative tactics play out in terms of reaction and behaviour but I would be fascinated to see some data on each person and how each technique affects them. That would be golddust for working out further manipulative wiles. Maybe I will ask Dr E and Dr O if they know of any research in that regard.
        In respect of your current position, I imagine he will be reaching out to you, I would be if I was him, so do let me know what happens. He will be looking to extract some fuel from you as the urge will be too great to resist.
        I liked your Silence of the Lambs analogy, I shall call you Clarice henceforth !

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  2. Good Morning!

    I plan to respond later after I process your last response to think through my thoughts to your questions to me.
    But first, I do not think you’re thinking through this scenario of us helping each other thoroughly. I can tell your excited and intrigued with my angle on the chemical reaction this type of toxic relationship creates for both parties.
    Might I suggest when discussing with Dr. O & Dr. E, that you tell them one of your healing audience members inquired. Should this be pursued by them and some kind of break through comes of it, think of the accolades in the name of Science that would bring…
    But it is me following this path, with the right questions to ask which I’m almost certain you’re looking for my posts now.
    You are “in treatment” to try new approaches. Don’t take the credit this time. I dare you to speak the truth to them about how you were informed. Something to think about.
    Clarece

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    1. I have raised your observation with Dr O. She said that one of her colleagues a Dr S has been studying the brain chemistry in those that abuse others to analyse the results. She said she would be having a further discussion about this and my involvement, given the interest I have exhibited. I shall keep you posted on their responses.

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      1. Curious… did you tell Dr. O one of your readers inquired about this or did you take the credit?
        Also, in your 10/2/15 response to me, you mention you would “like to know how my manipulative tactics play out in terms of reaction and behaviour” on them.
        In my earlier posts from today, I update you that my narc appears to have secured some new “fuel” as would appear from social media this past weekend. It would follow that the previous one that he used to try to triangulate with me 2 weeks ago when I went silent has also been discarded now. The boy can move fast when he wants to. How does it make me feel though? Inside? You want the description of what I’m feeling two weeks now with stone silence except for the “fake” phone call with my blue tooth in the car yesterday to blip on his radar?
        When smokers first try to quit smoking, they get “jittery” and say they’re jonesin’ for a cig. I feel completely out of my equilibrium today. I’m becoming very in tune to that there has to be some kind of chemical reaction that takes place when I get a visual of him even for as short as 10 seconds in a simple picture. I feel impatient, jittery, and almost craving the interaction, whether good, bad or ugly. It is as though some internal clock goes off inside me if I go too long with no contact from him. With his trip in town at the end of the month, I feel like I’m going to be looking over my shoulder for three more weeks wondering if he’ll reach out. In the last year, he reached out 5 out of 5 trips made whether or not I reciprocated. This time could be different or not. I’m off kilter and seem to be craving a “fix”. It’s insane!!!
        I keep telling myself your mantra from “Evil”. It is not real. It was all an illusion. He never loved me. Almost all better now. 🙂

        Clarece

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      2. I took the credit. I may revise that though when I next see them as I like you.
        Thank you for sharing your feelings concerning your narc. I appreciate that insight. As I read your description I was waiting for one word to appear and it did. Craving. We know you crave us and that is why so much of our behaviour is geared towards making you crave our interaction, even, as you write, it is good, bad or ugly. Why do we want you craving? It is because we crave your attention and we actually feel pretty irritated by that,so we need to push that feeling onto you instead and make you want us. If I know you crave me and it is causing you consternation, I will feel better.
        So the craving will continue. You could of course give in and get your fix. Imagine how good that will feel? Then again, perhaps reciting the mantra is the wiser choice.

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  3. You asked if empaths are more prone to this? I do not know the exact answer. Possibly empaths are more susceptible to the long-term roller coaster because they tend to put other’s needs before their own. Someone not wired that way, would probably throw in the towel much sooner and not look back. We (empaths) are the caretakers, the peacemakers, and feel a lot of personal satisfaction by pleasing those we love around us. Their joy brings us joy.
    I think the one most powerful statement I came across in the last two months that was the game changer for me with my therapist was by Carl Jung, psychiatrist and psychotherapist, who said, “When an inner situation is not made conscious, it appears outside of you as fate.” He was a huge proponent of bringing subconscious into your conscious, cognitive level. Your day to day existence is created by what your subconscious is feeling or needs to let out.
    As normal and uneventful as I thought my childhood was, I had to dig beyond the early years of my marriage when I was only 22 and something traumatic had happened to my then husband I had to support him through for the next decade of our marriage, and had to go as far back as 4 years old. I had to picture that child (myself) and tell her that her inner gut / intuition/ internal warning system was correct after all.
    Post divorce, 4 years ago this month, I met the person who appears to have many Narc characteristics 3 years ago. My gap in letting him in was probably due to still being in the shock and denial stage of grief at the ending of my divorce following 17 years of marriage. At the time though, I thought I had worked through all the grief stages prior to even filing for the divorce with my attorney. In reality, I’m probably still in the anger stage.
    I believe now the laws of attraction, that like attracts like and if somehow some part of you feels like sh*t, you will let sh*t into your life. The only way to fix that is to fix yourself. I would say I had a “golden period” of really only 4 months with the Narc that I tried fixing for all this time on and off whenever he would reappear. He was my “cheese” in the maze only doled out on occasion.
    Now I’m retraining my brain to focus on me. What value he would bring me or anyone for that matter. What does he bring to the table, for me? Instead of what can I do? My train of thought is becoming what does it do for me? I know I cannot react to him if he has me in any kind of state of being flustered, upset, angry, or running on emotion. This type of relationship operates on the ENERGY between these two people. Not logic. So yes, chemical play / reactions are huge in this kind of relationship. Some relationships are solely based on friendship, or philosophical, or companionship. These types of relationships thrive on the energy source emitting between the Narc and the Victim.
    Again, that is why since you are “in treatment” and not acting alone, I think Dr. E and Dr. O may want to have you ask questions of your readers with some of the responses you receive, especially the ones that interest you. You said yourself you had to confess to not thinking of the scientific aspect. If you went to the doctor with any other kind of ailment, you would not hold back on information you gathered or are questioning because they will be acting in your best interest to treat you in a clinical setting with no judgment. They need to know how you are interacting with your readers.
    You will become the first person I will advise if my Narc resurfaces this month prior to his trip in town. I have between now and 10/24 to keep thinking of myself.
    Clarece

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    1. Hello Clarece, thank you very much for sharing all of that,I found it very interesting. Learning more about your situation will enable me to have a more fulfilling and engaging interaction with you so I thank you for spending the time committing that to a post. I concur with much of what you have written and it is clear that you are a shining empathy, rightly proud of that fact and a beacon of delight to our kind. You have nailed it by establishing that the dynamic operates on energy and not logic. That is an excellent way of putting it. People are creatures of order and logic. They expect the world to be ordered like them and to abide by the natural rules. When someone does not (especially someone bright and articulate) the empathy cannot comprehend what is going on. He or she wants the natural order to prevail, they want the logical answer and they want to fix the problem. None of that can be done. By understanding we operate on the energy (fuel) from your reactions and logic is irrelevant, you have a far better chance of dealing with what we throw at you. Thanks for contributing.

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      1. Well, I can now say I’ve been called a “beacon of delight”. Thank you. I actually like that. In one of your earlier answers, you describe that it is us “craving” you that you seek but it irritates you when you feel you are “craving” the person you are with. Do you think this happens when in the natural course of beginning a new relationship, there comes a point where “real” feelings and attachment begins and gets serious. Is that when your brain triggers a “defense mechanism” to begin devaluation because it’s your way of trying to hide your inner demons? You say your ultimate goal is to feel power, not necessarily happiness. Do you have a memory of feeling happiness from your childhood? Before power superceded it? If you could choose and someone could wave a magic wand and take “power” out of the equation and just have you seek happiness with someone who has your best interests at heart, would you choose it? Do you look at this as a curse?

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      2. You are welcome and there is no charge for that.
        You pose an interesting question. My feelings are genuine, I do feel that way about you but I realise that the reason I feel such love, delight, affection and enthusiasm is for reasons which are different to other people. I feel it because I want you to be seduced by me so you provide me with fuel. Is my devaluation a defence mechanism? I don’t know. I do know that I always become irritated, fed-up or bored in a relationship. I am not designed for the long-term. I am easily distracted by something shiny and new. I also think it is because the person I am with, be they lover, friend or so on always disappoints me in some way and thus I lash out and the devaluation begins. I guess it is their fault they let me down and my reaction is one that is vicious because they have removed the positive fuel (admiration) and so I must replace it with negative fuel(reaction).
        Yes I remember being happy in my childhood. Would I choose to be able to seek happiness over power? No, I am addicted to power and cannot contemplate being without it.

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      1. I appreciate that! I realize I am throwing a lot your way and I certainly would not want a half fast put-together answer. As your blogs unfold so does the behavior of my Narc seemingly now right from your playbook. This past weekend he spent time with his young godchild and cousin’s family at a horse farm. Low and behold pics of him and the horse instructor (cute and young) were on social media and they are new friends. I imagine he just secured some new fuel for a period of time. The saying, “keep your friends close and your enemies closer,” rings true. My close friend checked his FB page yesterday and saw those pics. I found it interesting because he knows I take my daughter for horse back riding lessons and spend time on a horse farm a few times each year.
        My goal for myself at some point in the future is to be completely immune to him. I don’t want to have to block him. If he reaches out, I want to be able to look at his texts and not feel anything. To be numb to him. I am looking to you most definitely to help with that.
        And yes, I am very interested in what your doctors could also reveal as far as the chemical reactions in both parties in this type of relationship. I feel both become addicted to each other.

        Clarece

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      2. You will find that much of what your narc does will correspond with what I detail on this blog and in my books. Oddly enough, I have just written about why my kind and me all seem to act the same. You can find it here http://www.amazon.com/More-Confessions-Narcissist-H-Tudor-ebook/dp/B016H9HER4 . Yes your narc’s behaviour in latching onto something you do and then replacing you with someone else is a classic step. He knows you will not be able to resist finding out what he is doing (lo and behold you are taking a look through your friend on his FB page) and he has selected something that you will immediately see and think “I like to do that” or “He never did that with me” or “we did that together and now he is doing it with someone else”. He is utilising some Everpresence and a Relationship Broadcast (although he is not in a relationship with the instructor he has formed a friendly relationship and he people to know and especially you.
        You cannot be immune to our effect. We purposefully leave an icy shard in your heart which creates a hole through which we will return. I expand on this theme in my forthcoming publication Escape : How to Beat The Narcissist, so this will be required reading for you. I do explain how you can lessen the effect of our manipulative behaviours though to achieve a de minimis situation. If you are sufficiently recovered and strong you should be able to resist anything you might feel should you look at his texts.
        I have left the chemical point with the good doctors. I will report on their thoughts in due course. I see the logic in your proposition though. We are creatures of chemicals and it is evident that certain behaviours create chemical reactions which must have a bearing on us. It may be the case that narcs and empaths are more prone to this form of addiction than others. We shall see what they say.

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      3. I reached out and messaged my Narc last night. Thought you may be interested in what made me let my guard down.

        Clarece

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  4. The most comic words in the world … i love You but…
    Heard in daily basis by mum ex and current…
    There is no BUT in love…

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