Don’t Look Back In Anger
Many of my ex-girlfriends used to enjoy reflecting on the past. They would smile and recount some event in the past, a particular party or an enjoyable trip they once took to the coast. Sometimes it was not specific to an event but rather would be about the way a person had behaved. More often than not, their reminiscing focussed on the good. I don’t think about the past. It never invades my consciousness. I am not haunted by the memory of the cruelty that I have meted out to people. I lie straight in my bed and night and sleep soundly. I awake refreshed and ready for my next conquest. When I eventually discard someone from my life (I always do) I do not give them a second thought until I consider I might want something from then. I never wonder how they are or what they are doing. To me, out of sight really is out of mind. I delete you and in effect deny your existence. Many people lay down powerful reminders of their journey through life so far ; children, their wedding day, starting a career or college, moving to that first house and so on. I don’t bother with any of that. I gain nothing from looking backwards. It serves no purpose to me. I must look forward. I have to look to my next fix, my next conquest and my next victim.
This lack of attachment to past events and people gives me huge mobility. You are mired down for week, months and even years with the ghosts and memories of the past. For me they evaporate in an instant and free me to act with impunity. I have no reminder of what has happened. There is no cautionary tale. There is no record of things that came to pass. That is why it is futile to try to draw the past to my attention in some hope that I may change or may recognise the force of what you are saying. You try to point out something we once had, once did, once shared. Not to me. It never existed. It is a waste of my energy to hold onto the past. I never look back. You would do well to do the same.
28 thoughts on “Don’t Look Back In Anger”
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I am not going to give up the past, nor do I want to give up the present and dreams about the future. All 3 elements are very important to me.
On the other hand, the perspective presented by HG (which I DIDN’T BELIEVE before, even though N2 spoke about it directly), saved my unnecessary efforts in the current contact with N2. Simple and concise – as in the marketplace. Transaction. Sometimes there are slight ignitions and quick extinguishing.
But… this gauntlet is still on the ground waiting for someone to pick it up. I try to ignore it.
I have a couple of questions about looking back. I know you don’t feel regret for your actions but what about other narcissists? Do they ever feel regret? For instance, my ex narcissist used to tell me that he wished he never got married or had kids. As I write this, I’m thinking it really was a pity play so that I would feel bad for him.
What about missed opportunities? Do narcissists ever look back and feel regret for missed opportunities? I had another narcissist say to me once that he’s so smart and he wishes that he finished school and actually used it for something better. I almost feel like that is regret. Is it?
What about you? Do you ever regret missed opportunities? For instance, do you reject not reaching out to Amanda when you had the opportunity to?
1. No, the expressions you refer to are further manipulations, a Pity Play, as you identify.
2. No, it seems like regret because of your world view but coming from a narcissist it cannot her regret, we do not “do” regret. It is a form of manipulation.
You would benefit from “Inside the Narcissist´s Mind : Is it a Manipulation.”
I never regret anything.
I only see an audio version. Do you have it available in text?
No, audio only.
i need to learn to do this with my narc: ” I delete you and in effect deny your existence.” I am starting. I can do this. I really like to define the reality I want to see. The narc never even existed in my life.
Good writing.
Thank you.
Fun fact…Liam Gallagher of Oasis…who sang the great song “Don’t Look Back In Anger”…totally a narcissist.
*High five* Tudor. I see what you did there.
If thats the case, why do you hoover people from long ago? If you are so free from the post why would you bother? What would cause you to hoover old past people than find new sources of supply? Clearly you do?
As I have mentioned previously, in terms of IPPSs, I am Nomadic. I ensnare one, idealise, devalue and then dis-engage as I move on to the new one. I will hoover the old one but purely for fuel and residual benefits, but not to enter the formal relationship again.
We hoover previous appliances because :-
1. To gain fuel, character traits and residual benefits;
2. They belong to us;
3. We have made an investment in them and want to keep drawing our return;
4. We know how to manipulate you, so it is pushing on an open door;
5. You are inherently susceptible to us (some admittedly more than others afterwards dependent on the work undertaken by the victim to address the issue).
Excuse typos and grammar. I didn’t read back.
I’m looking back, but primarily for the purpose of lifting this fog I’ve been living in for longer than I can articulate. Reading this article made me realise that the man I referred to as the love of my life was a narcissist, and likely still is. This was in 2009. He discarded me as I began to ask probing questions about certain experiences he’d had because they didn’t add up. He found another source with a few weeks but began extensively hoovering me over a period of six months once that relationship began to crumble. He was playing the new source as he played me. I didn’t want to give into the hoovering as he had hurt me so badly, but a friend (made while
I was attempting to recover from the 1st discard) persuaded me that no man would chase that hard if there was no love there. More fool me. I did take him back and it was a year of pain, and a difficult follow up recovery.
I’ve since realised that ‘friend’ has significant narcisstic traits (I have removed myself from that friendship after a significant betrayal – a wake up call ), as well as two other men I’ve had subsequent relationships with. I’m also certain my father was a narcissist – my mother was a crushed person and I never understood this until recently, and I began recalling his (simplified) manipulations, criticisms and discard of the family.
My last relationship was the crystalis for this understanding…extensive silent punishing treatment, cheating, lying, gaslighting and manipulations – I have finally gone no contact. His response “see you next week”. He will be disappointed.
I’m reeling somewhat, but I’m now aware. I have a lot to sort through, psychologically speaking, and figure out how I can move past being a target for these poisonous people. Afterall, I am letting them into my life.
You don’t look back at whatever You choose… if You weren’t lookinh back You would not keep those notes about me; )
This is interesting because I think my ex is a narc but he looks back, in fact he likes collecting photographs. Keeps them and doesn’t send you all of them. Likes to have excessive control over which pictures he will let you have…
I don’t look back in anger. He was just a peasant who manipulated his way into the queen’s palace. Once I found out he was not a real man, rather a cheap replica, I kicked him out. I closed in on my first house at 25 bought my dream car, my credit score is higher than before, and I have money in my savings. meanwhile he is 41 (lied that he was 29,caught him)owes 60k in child support, has no car, no place to stay, menial hourly worker and is still trying to find a woman to consign a car note for him and provide him with a place to stay. Shame on him
You have risen above him Mills53 and I can feel your pride from here. Of course he will be cutting some keys to open up a door into another queen’s palace but that’s not your problem is it?
Very interesting post! This feels familiar from my narcissistic ex. He didn’t have any regrets about his past. Didn’t remember much from his childhood. Can forget my existence for weeks (and then suddenly claim to in fact have been “missing me terribly” during that time. Not very likely). Whenever I asked about his past, there were never many detailed descriptions, always vague answers, like he truly didn’t remember. At the same time, when hoovering me, he can try to remind me about our fantastic trips and past adventures.. weird, he must remember some things I guess. Fascinating blog you have, it gives me a little bit of closure I do believe..
I am pleased you find it useful. We usually have brilliant memories although we use them selectively when it comes to maintaining our manipulation of you. We remember the things that we want to charm you with, we remember all your sleights against us and never seem to be able to recall when we have acted incorrectly or said the wrong thing. As for childhood, the memories are there but we have buried them so deep that recalling them becomes very difficult at times.
Lol yep that’s my answer right there…
You’re welcome.
I have a bad feeling that Stacey is your next victim…seems like she loves giving you positive Nd negative attention. Be careful Stacey
Hello B and thank you for your post. You are right. She is blundering towards my open arms…….
Too bad I’m already taken…. By a REAL man. Otherwise, I would fuck your world up . On purpose. Just to show you how it feels. 😇😇
But you are so charming, I feel I need to know you better Stacey. Perhaps you could come round and admire my crockery collection ?!
B, thank you for the warning…. I am on top of this.
That’s what you think. Much love.
I agree with you 100 percent on that one.
I knew you would come around to my way of thinking eventually !