Silent Assassin
When I first subject you to the silent treatment the effect on you is devastating. You repeatedly try to contact me and speak to me to find out what is wrong. What has caused this sudden dropping of the shutters when only the day before we were lying in bed together as I told you how I was so pleased to have finally found the one? Your need to know is so great that it completely overrides any sense of embarrassment or decorum on your part. You call my phone again and again and again. You call my work phone repeatedly but find my secretary (one of my loyal lieutenants) will block you by explaining every time that I am in a meeting. You will call around at my house. I can see you through a gap in the blinds as you hammer on the door and then pace backwards and forwards, frustration and confusion writ large on your face. The text messages pile up. My email inbox begins to bulge and you start shoving letters through my letterbox. I do actually read them as they give me a magnificent sense of importance as I read your questions.
Inevitably the tenor of your attempts to contact me alters. From starting with questions such as “What is wrong?” and “Is something the matter?” you then begin to examine yourself. You query what you might have done to upset me and cause this cessation. Without fail, every time I have deployed this weapon, you have scrutinised yourself to such a degree that you eventually find something that could have caused my reaction. You do this, demeaning yourself, because you need to have an answer as to why this has happened. You must. If you cannot get an answer from me then you turn on yourself and find it there. “I’m sorry I didn’t cook your steak the way you like it” or “I’m sorry I left without kissing you” or “I’m sorry I used the last of the milk and did not replace it”. Then come the promises to make things up to me if I will just get in touch. The promises not to do it again and to be a better person. The pattern is the same every time ; demand an answer from me, find an answer within yourself and then show contrition and desire to improve. Once you have passed through those three stages then I know you have become indoctrinated with the way I want you to think and then and only then will I end the silence. Well, perhaps, another week won’t hurt me will it?
29 thoughts on “Silent Assassin”
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“demand an answer from me, find an answer within yourself and then show contrition and desire to improve” – anyone who makes me start to think like this will be getting the NC treatment, hopefully well prior to this stage but if not, at it. This exact cycle happened time and again with my ex, and I bought into it fully. It is crap. It is crappy emotional thinking.
What is your favorite food ? What car do you drive? How old are you? When is your birthday?
Thank you xo
Fuel. A fast one. Old enough to know and young enough to do. The same time every year.
A blunt and (to the empathic mind) brutal assessment of how and why the narcissist employs the silent treatment. I am enjoying your writings, but must ask you the question, Mr. Tudor: If this is how and why you employ this control technique, would this not qualify you as a malignant narcissist?
A previous comment mentions curiousity into how a narcissist ‘knows’ how the victim will react.
As for me, he admittedly stated that he first stalked me. “Come on.” Long pause with an emotionless stare. “You cannot believe that all those times we ‘bumped into each other’ were mere coincidence.” Once again putting the blame back on me for his predatory behaviors. Pointing out that I should have been suspect of the friendly run ins at the local gas station or other local businesses, which by the way, weren’t obvious because they did seem random. I know now, it was all apart of his tactics / his pleasures.
Like a predator stalking it’s prey.
Hello HG,
I am new to your blog, find your insights very helpful and thought- provoking. My engagement with an N was solely for 1, 5 months and the Golden period lasted maybe 3-4 weeks, which I see now that it is very short. Could it have been bc I never called or texted after an argument when he sulked? Never seemed worried if he didn’t pick up strsoght away or texted back within a minute?Or maybe bc I told him from the beginning that I will probably never agree with his views on religion, racism, etc.? Maybe that is what has saved me from hoovering, probably I was labelled not long-term suitable?
Hello Narrow Escape, are you asking why your golden period was just for 3-4 weeks or why your engagement with a narcissist was 15 months (I assume the comma was a typo) ?
I’m having the same questions, HG, in regard to time spans, it’s pretty much confusing to me. How long does each period last in general?
The article about Golden Periods may well have answered this for you ava101.
Hello HG,
The comma was no typo. It did last 1,5 months. And I am curious why the golden period was so short – can it be that he saw that he had not assessed me well in the first place and he stopped trying wasting his energy? I am a very considerate person but I have learned long ago that when sb takes a step back, I should not step forward in the gap, when sb hasn’t answered an sms, they will when they have the time. If they cancel last minute I say cool, go do my thing but book my time for the next few days with my stuff – if he likes he may join. In retrospect he tried a few times appearing mysterious: I have this lunch, I have other plans, we will not be able to meet up tomorrow morning. I never asked why or got nervous. I started sensing sth was not ok but could not put a finger on what it was. So I gave it some time. After trying to end it over his excessive training and extreme health neglect I kinda agreed to stay but only communicsted reluctantly with one-word sms. I wanted him to end it do in his mind he would be the winner. In a few days I got an sms: I quit ( although he had been calling me his Universe, his whole world, etc). I replied: ok. In a few days, seeing I was back on an acquaintance site, he tried to make me return a book in person, I suggested another way, he told me to throw the book in the rubbish and has disappeared since. When reading what these guys are capable of…I did have a narrow escape, didn’t I?
Hi HG,
Sorry if these questions have already been asked.
What would a narcissist think if the source of fuel never reacted to his silent treatment? From the very beginning. Also she would almost never initiate a conversation, on the other hand it would be obvious for the narcissist that she is an empath and is a “good type of victim”.
My other question: if the narcissist have many sources of fuel, – even parallel – will he return to all of them? (It must take a lot of energy from him…)
Thank you in advance.
Hello Dew of the Sea (interesting name),
1. He would be irritated and change the silent treatment to a different manipulation. Ignoring it (eventually) causes the silent treatment to end.
2. It depends on whether there is a Hoover Trigger and the hoover Execution Criteria are met.
Hello HG,
Thank you for your prompt reply.
So if both the Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria are met for all of his source of fuel, he will return one day… Still a lot of energy. 😀
Anyway, I find your blog very useful. It’s really helpful to see all the things through your (and your kind’s) eye.
Correct and thank you.
I found this website very interesting and helpful thank u.
You are welcome.
HG,
You really are quite an interesting specimen.
I’d say that ye olde silent treatment is the most wickedly successful weapon in your arsenal.
Sure fucked me up.
Til I became a blue point of calm rage.
Never underestimate a GENUINELY KIND SOUL THATS BEEN SHREDDED.
Thank you for the rare yet repulsive glimpse into the cancerous mind of the evil ones.
Hello Claire, indeed the silent treatment is a highly-effective, low energy method of exerting control and drawing fuel.
Hello,
I am just now discovering your works &
Greatly appreciate it.
For a narc employing the silent treatment on a “significant” other, does the narc not find themselves concerned about what
the victim is doing during the silentce? Who their victim might be spending time with, sleeping with..etc
That raises another question of how
a narcissist reacts to being cheated on,
or seeing their victim with someone else?
I can imagine it being much different than
an empathic response.
Thank you!
Hello Swiss, thank you for your kind words. When doing out a silent treatment the narcissist has two main concerns. The first is ensuring that the fuel is provide by the victim (which it invariably is) and in an elongated silent treatment the second is using the time apart from the primary source to continue the seduction of an Intimate Partner Secondary Source as a prospective replacement for the current primary source. It would only be if the primary source fails to respond to the silent treatment that we may wonder what they might be doing. Remember, we choose our victims for the purposes of ensuring that our manipulations are effective against them.
In terms of how we would react if we learned we had been cheated on, keep an eye out for an article about the same in due course.
The fact that these “wins” are ephemeral doesn’t make them any less crucuial to your survival; just means yiu
have to start “drug-seeking” much sooner (shorter half-life)…
Curious… Can you accept that there are things you DON’T know? Does the fact that you don’t know them, negate them? One step further, can you accept the existence of (intangible) things that you, for whatever reason, cannot grasp? Can you, for a moment, imagine that the emotions, sensations of others, which are so foreign to you, are not a “weakness” that traps or impedes people, but are instead a strength, a vehicle which exalts one and elevates them to feel and accomplish things the magnitude of which you can’t imagine? And that by exploiting these things instead of honoring them, you get your (ephemeral, shallow, petty) WIN, but are ultimately at a loss in this game of life….
Yes if the situation suits such an admission, then I will accept that I do not know everything.
No I am not able to accept that these emotions that are felt by others are nothing more than a weakness, a hindrance and an obstacle. Remember, my perspective and needs are different from yours. You may label it as ephemeral but when those wins are necessary to exist they are far from ephemeral.
It didn’t take me long to figure out this game … I have a Narc for a boss… So when my ex .. if I can call him that .. whenever he was caught cheating or the none stop lying . He would come back with we are NOT in a relationship and I was just pretending to love you… He would leave and change his number. . Trying to contact me blocking his number…. When I did have it .. I NEVER called him.. NEVER TEXTED him… And when I changed mine… He came to my job.. I was gone .. showed up at my house at 2 am to let me KNOW he didn’t appreciate me changing my number…. And he noticed how I never contacted him or sought him out.. the calmer I was .. the more he worried he was losing control over me. One of his numerous junkie drunk side line hoes was with him when he got arrested and SOMEHOW it is MY FAULT cause I wouldn’t let him come home…. Now since I was the only good woman he EVER had in his life.. now all the sudden he misses me …loves me and wants me to hold him down while he does his time… When I brought up where are all his junkies or the new supposed baby (7 months old.. in our 3year shituationship) momma…. I became the BAD GUY once again… It’s my fault we never had a chance ..LMAO.. reading your blog is HIM ALL OVER… THANK YOU for the great insight and OPENING my eyes
Hello Alexandria, thank you for your comment and I am pleased you are finding my work eye-opening.
I am at a loss for words. He took a bite and smiled and said give me more that taste really good.
Wow. It’s actually painful reading this. You summarise both sides perfectly.
Curious…how do narcs know how their ‘target’ will react? How is a target selected? Is there a particular type? (Apologies if you’ve already blogged this, am reading through old posts so will get there eventually!).
We know how the target will react essentially based on two things. First we choose empathic people as our victims. Empathic victims all react in a similar fashion so we know how this will be and this is the way we want. They will react in an emotional fashion, try to understand what is happening and hold on tighter in order to try and work things out, fix us and get back to the golden period. Secondly, we learn a lot about you before we seduce you and during the seduction you offer up everything about you (because we make you feel safe, loved and protected) so we know exactly what to do to yield a reaction when we begin to devalue you. Have a read of Fuel as this will tell you more about what it is that we want and how this forms the basis of all we do. Manipulated will explain how we deploy certain techniques to yield this fuel. Fuel is the rule. It governs everything. I look forward to your further observations.
When he figured out that I was aware of his narcissistic actions is when he let go of me for good. He did the silent treatment on me so many times it got very old for me an I gave up