Return of the King
I will always come back to you. I do this because I need to know that you are still pining for me. I need to know that you have not been able to move on from the pain that I have caused you. When I have cast you asunder and I have left you in a mental torment of pain and confusion as you struggle to reconcile the early golden period with the horror that followed, I will leave you be for perhaps a couple of months and then make my reappearance. Somewhere down the line, I will disappear again. I will wait for as long as I vanished the first time so you start to think, “yes he has really gone this time” and then I will add a week and then reappear. Each time I do this I wait just a little longer than the time before so you lower your admittedly fragile defences. It is all calculated.
I do this so you are conditioned to expect me back at some point. This means that I can seek out new victims in the meanwhile safe in the knowledge that you are sat waiting for me and will provide me with a deliciously juicy source of fuel in the future. It also means that I can manage your expectations. I get away with more and you expect far less. Again, it is all designed to enable me to do what I want.
I often return expecting to carry on as if nothing has happened. I call this my grand entrance. Like a king I will sweep back into your life and you will be so relieved to see me and also blown away by the grandiose nature of my return that you will be powerless to resist my overtures. In fact, because I will open the gates to heaven for a little while, you are relieved and delighted to have me back again. You think I have changed. You think I have been away and reflected on what I have done and have returned improved, better and redeemed. Oh the look on your face when I just appear at your front door. I can see you want to shout at me. I know you want to call me all the names under the sun but you cannot. My conditioning of you is so effective you just melt into my arms.
Alternatively, I decide I will play the spinning game. I will telephone you and then hang up the moment you answer. You call me back and I do not answer. You are now wondering why have I called? What does he want? Is it more torment or is he calling to apologise and makes things right? You cannot help but over analyse this situation. That is part of your DNA and why I chose you. I keep you spinning round and round. This entertains me and also softens you up for when I do decide to make the grand entrance.
Which ever way I decide to return, return I will and I shall do so in triumph as I capture you once more.
59 thoughts on “Return of the King”
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it is so cruel
This is what continues to interest me. I quite possibly could be off the mark, but everyone that challenges and claims that they are so unaffected and could resist…. I don’t think so. Again, I could be mistaken, but when a Phoenix rises from the ashes, it does so quietly.. There is no need to scream it’s power. The Pheonix’s power comes from within. Isn’t that what true healing and moving forward is all about?
Hi NNH!
I love it when someone digs deep into the archives!
I have an anonymous meme saved on my phone that showing a sprouting plant that reads, “A seed grows with no sound but a tree falls with huge noise. Destruction has noise, but creation is quiet. This is the power of silence…Grow Silently.”
It reminded me that the destruction with these relationships is all of the chaos and turnoil (noise) and the healing restores the calmness to your life (a good silence).
On a side note, it still makes me laugh now seeing HG’s old responses under Malignarc – he was the alien life form I was communicating with back then. lol
Hey Clarece!
I love that ! I just can’t go through life angry. In a way, forgiving him was a very selfish thing. It wasn’t about him. It was for me.
I never forget who HG is, but he is hilarious, I don’t care what anyone says. I mean, highly sensitive people can have dry, dark , slightly twisted senses of humor too. I can’t Buddha it out all the time. 🙂 The malignnarc thing killed me.
I’m glad I tickled your funny bone NNH!
I truly enjoy when HG loosens up and lets that sense of humor shine through…😉
Agreed!!
I just reread my post. Just to be clear, I meant forgiving my ex. Lol. It was not my best word usage. . 🙄
The king will return subject to the HT and HEC right? This article makes it sound as if no HT and HEC is needed and that is is a given that he would return?
The king will return subject to the HT and HEC right? This article makes it sound as if no HT and HEC is needed and that is is a given that he would return? As if it is a given that the formal relationship will resume. What do you say HG?
Also HG what would make you want to start the formal relationship again instead of just finding someone new?
HG I think you should write an article about the conditions that would make a narc want the formal relationship to resume.
HG . I see its no longer in moderation but not answered either
Hello KT, see what?
My question HG. I copy it here. The king will return subject to the HT and HEC right? This article makes it sound as if no HT and HEC is needed and that is is a given that he would return? As if it is a given that the formal relationship will resume. What do you say HG?
Also HG what would make you want to start the formal relationship again instead of just finding someone new?
Are most hoovers to resume the formal relationship?
HG I think you should write an article about the conditions that would make a narc want the formal relationship to resume.
It is predicated on there being a HT and HEC. I could have worked that in to the article but I felt it would distract from the thrust of the piece and the associated grandiosity etc, but you are right to seek clarification on this point.
I don’t resurrect the formal relationship of girlfriend or partner.
Most hoovers are not to resume the formal relationship, many are, but most are not.
I have made a note of your request, thank you.
My upper mid range told he that NEVER returns… Now I wonder.
So did he?
I was/am a DLS. It seems to me that he could not find a new shinny toy after disengagement. I get long ST, fewer messages and have the feeling that he is hiding behind fake profiles on dating websites ready to strike when the right candidate catches his interest. I am also seeing him less often leaving him more room to play around in case the need arises. I am watching and “enjoying” the show wondering how long will he put up with my much lower fuel production. I guess I will be dropped soon after a new DLS is embeded which won’t be easy since there are hardly any candidates… :-)))
Hmmm.. I have wondered if mine is lurking behind fake profiles.. I have received some odd messages on a dating site. But they were all paid members. I dont know that he would pay to do that…lol. one profile talked all about awakening and self growth. Defence mechanisms etc. Which were all things in would try to get him into at one point or another. I love psychology. It’s how I started picking up on him. Anyways when I messaged this person they asked me if from my own self discovery and awareness if I have discovered the shadow side. Language I know because of the enneagram. And he asked if I have had a realization that I have possibly been in many mentally and emotionally abusive relationships now that I have more awareness of my own failings in my personality that attract such. It was eerily strange. Then they disappeared. Nick was a mastermind. I’m not embellishing in the slightest. He absorbs information. Off the charts intellectually. He studies frequency and vibration and often told me that the reason we were attracted to each other is because of because on the same frequency. And when I apply that to the dynamic of narc and emlath.. it makes sense to me. Anyways, HG does not believe he is a greater.
“This is part of your DNA and why I chose you” so then… again.. they know who they want? If one chooses us because they know we do these things.. then your kind sits and says to yourself “I want her because I know I can do these things and this is how she will react”? Therefore choosing us requires knowing what you need and that you can get it. And if you know what you need you must be aware or a greater?
I will wait for as long as I vanished the first time so you start to think, “yes he has really gone this time” and then I will add a week and then reappear. Each time I do this I wait just a little longer than the time before so you lower your admittedly fragile defences. It is all calculated.
So then…if you think this way..and it is calculated.. this is a.greater narcs perspective? It wouldnt be a lesser or mid range?
The comments he made to you are not those made by a Greater Narcissist, but Mid Range as it is laughably grandiose.
“This is part of your DNA and why I chose you”
so then… again.. they know who they want? If one chooses us because they know we do these things.. then your kind sits and says to yourself “I want her because I know I can do these things and this is how she will react”? Therefore choosing us requires knowing what you need and that you can get it. And if you know what you need you must be aware or a greater correct?
“I will wait for as long as I vanished the first time so you start to think, “yes he has really gone this time” and then I will add a week and then reappear. Each time I do this I wait just a little longer than the time before so you lower your admittedly fragile defences. It is all calculated.”
So then…if they think this way..and it is calculated.. this is a.greater narcs perspective This article wouldnt be a lesser or mid range because for them it is not calculated correct?
The quotated above is from the article not from my ex.
You need to distinguish between what is written with regard to me and that which applies to the vast majority of narcissists. I am conscious of choice, they are not but unconsciously, this is what they believe.
And when do you say I need to distinguish between what you say in regards to you, and the vast majority of narcissist, Are you saying the vast majority would be the Lesser in mid-range?
The vast majority are Lesser or Mid Range
BTW he non-stop hoovered me online for couple of months while I was NC. After I while I emailed him telling him I want him back to see if he would stop the online harassment. He played hard to get, ignored me for a couple of weeks of my initial contact. He only stopped his online activity when I returned and agreed to restart our relationship.
You mentioned further down about him playing hard to get before agreeing to see you. So how does one know if he is playing hard bto get or if he means what he says?
I wonder – do you reappear / hoover when you have been rejected / dis-guarded? When a victim identifies your true self early on (say within a mere 6 weeks) and it is she that leaves you. You then try to hoover her back in a week later, but again she sends you on your merry way – thanking you for the time together, wishing you all the best, but no – you are not the one for her….. Do you bother to go back to one that is this switched onto you and clearly doesn’t want anything to do with you? You talk a lot about when YOU reject your victim, but I’m curious about what happens when a victim rejects you and your kind??
Hello Jazzy, read
How No Contact Feels Parts One to Three
No! You are the Narcissist Parts One to Three
Derailed
Is He Alone
Spheres of Influence and Hoover Time
It is extremely rare for a victim to reject us during seduction. If it does happen the seduction will persist. If you reject our further attempts we will seek our a new target instead because we need fuel and the primary source. You may find yourself in line for malign hoovers later dependent on the type of narcissist you dealt with, whether the spheres of influence are entered and whether the Hoover Execution Criteria is met. We may consider such an individual as unlikely to provide fuel (or at least positive) and there is a risk of wounding (dependent on whether the victim knows to ignore and act in a fuel free manner) and thus they will be left alone (more likely if the narcissist is a Lesser or a Mid-Range) the Greater will make a note and come back at a later stage more likely to seek negative fuel.
Fabulous! I think it’s safe for me to assume I’m very much free of this narc. Laziest, most pathetic excuse for a partner I’ve ever known and puts narcs to shame to be honest!! I am the daughter of a malignant overt narc so I know what your kind are capable of. This one was covert, so it took me a tad longer to realise I was dealing with a narc than usual (never met a covert before, sad, sorry little things really with their obsession as being seen as ‘the nice guy’ – but he raged out of frustration very early on and I bolted!!!). His Hoover attempt was quite pathetic also, laughable really, but I still wanted some reassurance he wouldn’t bother me again as well as a bit of curiosity as to what a narc goes through when THEY’RE the ones who are discarded. I got quite a kick out of putting my foot down and continuing to say ‘no’ as he tried (via text, from his couch, God forbid he should put in too much effort) all sorts of your types lines to try to hook me back in. Your lot are a funny bunch! I suppose I’m lucky, I know your kind very well thanks to my father, so I find it hard to take you seriously, but you are like moths to a flame and so I am constantly dealing with your kind. It’s rather inconvenient and really a waste of my time. This blog is a terrific tool to gain more insight into your thinking and is terrific for further education! Appreciated!
Thank you Jazzy and thank you for sharing your observations.
Lol.. awesome.. when he showed up at my door I a few weeks ago I calmly shut it and locked it. He knocked 3 times. Ingnored it. Then felt bad. Texted him. He claimed he was away because he was trying to get a loan for a house and was considering leaving his job for me. I told him too little too late. I told him everything inhale been telling him the last 2nyears was accurate. And that he emotionally and mentally manipulated me. I told him once again I believed he had a problem. I told him it’s not love. And he said “I know you think I manipulate you but I dont intentionally do it” I actually felt like that statement was even manipulative..lol I know its.said hes mid range but damn.. his wording again. The fact he through in intentional and I know how he words.things still gives me incentive to think otherwise. But I guess it doesnt matter. Anyways, all that to say.. maybe he IS gone since I left him. Then turned him down at the door. Then shot down his tactic of the house and job that he ways fought me on. It was like a last ditch effort for him to pull me back… again. always pulled teeth with him. Anyone think I’m free though? I hope so. I dont miss the chaos but I miss who I thought he was. And I pity him.
Misti:
You’re not free. You told him stuff. He’ll be back.
Been there, done that.
Violetta
When you say I told him stuff.. do you mean since I communicated afterwards? You dont think me telling him I dont believe him and that he manipulates me etc would have wounded him?
HR777
My understanding is: That you telling him that you don’t believe him and that he manipulates you is challenge fuel – not wounding. Wounding occurs when there is loss of control but no fuel. You provided fuel by your accusations.
If I understand HG’s work correctly, they will try to extract fuel from ANY interaction, Positive or Negative. Telling him he’s a manipulator might feed him just as well as telling him he’s your knight in shining armor–maybe better.
I don’t know the details for going NC, since the bulk of my narc abuse is in the past; at the moment, I’m working on recovery and prevention, not avoidance, but there are techniques to hold them off. If you were just dating and don’t have kids, it’s a lot easier, but even people sharing custody have learned ways to minimize interactions and keep them low-fuel, so the narc starts looking for a different source.
I found these videos helpful:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=whnqw_KkxBw
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=isBkZMTGLWM
Other readers here can recommend videos or articles that were useful, and of course you can consult HG on any specific issues in your case.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned here in Narcsite, it’s that reproaching narcs for being narcs doesn’t do a bloody bit of good. The lessers and mid-rangers won’t believe you, and the Greaters don’t care or are quite amused.
As far as Narcs not believing they are Narcs..
I keep looking within.. when I read manipulated first I went through looking at myself.. I love bomb. And i ever presence. When I did him.. he had 21. And 2, I questioned. So possibly 23. Of 25.
Can I be unconscious that I am manipulating? Can my brain be blocking that I do all the manipulations that nick does?
Can I be searching for fuel when I am sad and lonely? Or is that me just being more of an extrovert?
I have always believed myself to be very aware and honest. I get anxiety if I dont. And it’s bad character or integrity. Sorry but no thanks.
I will explain in consultation
The patalogical Narc can go on until the Victim report him to the Police for assault and abuse then it is truly Game END!
My ex had pushed me to my breaking point last day of May. I lost my shit and sent like 20 texts going off about how I could not stand his lies and games. He called the police. I was so worked up I could not believe after everything he felt fear by texts. I ended up breaking down explaining to the police the exact situation and the years of violence and sexual abuse. I reported it at the polices encouragement but did not press charges upon the investigation units follow up. I have not heard from him since. I dont think I ever will. That makes me both sad and relieved. Hurts to be so disposable. HG Do you think Morticia’s above comment is correct?
He will return if opportunity presents itself, you need to ensure you do not present that opportunity.
Yep. He wont come back with his tail between his legs this time!
Angel!!!! I feel the same LURVE you’re comments!
I AM A NARCS WORST NIGHTMARE!
Greetings, narc’s nightmare! I would say we should form a club, but actually, I already did that. It’s how I took vengeance on my first narc, in fact.
He was my first boyfriend, when I was fourteen… we met working on a school ‘underground’ newspaper. After all the usual array of crap, he broke up with me for another of the newspaper staff, 48 hours after I let him sleep with me. But the story doesn’t end there.
By a year later, he had worked his way through most of the female staff on the paper. There was a staff party, at which we kept an “open mic” window — a document set up at a computer during the party, at which any of the staff could go write what they pleased, whenever the muse struck them. The whole thing was printed in the paper, unedited, the following week. Typically, it turned up a lot of mediocre but amusing poetry and short prose, and occasional really good stuff. This time…
This time, I got together at the party with four of his other victims and we began to talk. Once we started talking, it was easy to see our direction. While he was in the other room trying unsuccessfully to seduce one of the newer staffers, we commandeered the keyboard… and proceeded to write 14 pages of cheerful, detailed, dispassionate critique of his every weakness and failure, from his inability as a writer to his physique flaws and sexual incompetence. It was signed, “The Hardass Bitch Society.”
He wasn’t on layout staff. So the first he saw of it was when he arrived at school the following week and found himself laughed at from all directions. We took particular pride, while writing it, in the fact that it would poison the whole school as hunting grounds for him, since nobody would be susceptible to his charm after that, but it turned out not to matter much. He had claimed illness by lunchtime and gone home, where he remained until his parents could arrange a transfer. He never returned to that school.
We got in some trouble, but it was worth it. Two of the HBS are still my best friends.
“I remember with intricate detail how dark and deep the rabbit hole goes… I am simply the phoenix. Just when I thought it would consume me; I rose from the ashes. Nobility is lost on those who lack ethics and morality, since one necessitates the other.”
Very well-said, Angel!
That’s exactly how I felt too. I, like you, labelled it ‘the rabbit hole’ with reference to Alice in Wonderland. Alice eventually gets out of the rabbit hole wiser. In ÄW
Sounds like my story exactly…. Will never understand why this happened to me as I am a good person and would never hurt a fly… Chalking it up to being in the WRONG place at the WRONG time when I met him…. His nickname for me was ANGEL also.
I made several references but perhaps the most significant was to Vlad the Impaler… the original dracula. He is after all, a vampire of the soul…. but Alice in Wonderland did describe the alternate world of a narcissist quite well… “If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn’t. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn’t be. And what it wouldn’t be, it would. You see?” – Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass
Angel,
Thanks for your comments!
Yes, Dracula is the most obvious one, followed by Little Red & the Wolf, Alice in Wonderland / Through the Looking Glass, and The Picture of Dorian Gray of course:-)
I recently read a wonderful book by Javier Marías: “Los enamoramientos” (The Infatuations, 2011). It describes the dynamic/dance between the co-dependent empath & the narc in a marvellous way. Also very recommended: “Corazón tan blanco” (A Heart So White, 1992). A masterpiece with many layers, including a great portait of a narc!
What happens when I no longer care, when your shadow darkens my door but the deadbolt remains in place, when you call for me but I let it ring? What happens when your game is up and you can no longer convince me otherwise?
Hello Angel and thankyou for your post.I can only answer that if it that actually happens. You invariably succumb to my overtures once again since my conditioning of you has been so strong and effective. Such resistance has been exhibited and whilst it annoys me, it does spur me on to try harder in my ambitions to draw you back in once again and thus I succeed. I have yet to meet my match. Well, at least in the sense that the person could voluntarily avoid me.
I beg to differ… you do not know me but you have sensed me before… I am the silence… the leftovers of your inability to quench your thirst. I am the one that remains after you have sucked out all you could… you; the vampire. I am am the one who was left for dead but did not die. My experience had caused something I never expected. I look at you and see nothing. You are not surprised… after all you know all about nothingness. You won… but ur prize was not what you expected. I am both everything you wanted and now your greatest fear… I see right through u and feel not a ripple of emotion.
Hello Angel thank you for your post and apologies for the delay in replying. I like your post, I like the defiance you exude, I find it challenging and it appeals to something deep inside of me. Perhaps we can discuss it in more detail over dinner?
There is no need to apologize, as we both know that is ingenuios. You had better things to do with your time and responded when it was covenient. I expected no less. Of course, you would think I was being defiant… My sentiment was lost on you; perhaps in some way you do understand -You know that feeling you get when you are asked to grasp the devestation of those around you? No, I am not talking about your enjoyment of their suffering but rather the feeling you summon if someone should ever request you put yourself in their shoes…That cold, calm, nonplussed feeling (or should i say lack of feeling)… that is my experience when I look at you.
As for your dinner invite… I have spent countless nights at the table of an emotional vampire and have found it is unsatisfying for us both: for you because you are never satiated and for me because I would be dining beside the emotionally dead. I chose to thrive among the living.
I am sure you may count my moving on as a win- you never lose… and you may even feel that my ability to adapt is because of you. I will smile to myself knowing the truth; I flourish despite you.
Hello Angel, thank you for your post and for giving me an insight into how you feel. As for dinner, your comments are noted, but I sense there is so much we can learn from one another that it would be too great an opportunity to pass up. You are right that I am never satiated but still the pursuit of knowledge is a noble ideal, is it not? I am not emotionally dead either, although I admit you have not heard me get angry have you? The invitation remains.
I think I shall call you Vlad- it seems to fit your character quite nice. I found it amusing that when I spoke of emotion you automatically thought of anger… not surprising though as that is your modus operandi. I believe you are mistaken…I know your anger and its breadth very well. I have lived as one who was consumed in its fury. I remember with intricate detail how dark and deep the rabbit hole goes… I am simply the phoenix. Just when I thought it would consume me; I rose from the ashes. Nobility is lost on those who lack ethics and morality, since one necessitates the other. In addition, what is knowledge worth to a man who believes he has already found the answer?
Do you believe in coincidences? After my first post I decided to read more about your world view. I came across a story of yours- the heroine and I had several similarities- though I am guessing she would be somewhat older than me: we share the same first name, complexion and by chance I had chosen the same nickname that you bestowed on her. Perhaps I am the dragoman of her soul- to tell you its truth; if she was indeed as angelic as you claimed, you would have caused her to wither with your touch- it is by grace she evaded you.
No such thing as coincidence. It is all about the planning. Much love, Vlad.
Until the person like me in question report the narc to the police for abuse and assault. Then Game END!
I have easily a d effectively avoided the ex narcopath.
Took out a restraining order. Even in court he was trying to hoover. Ha ha!
I would have found it extremely difficult but when I found out he was ‘your kind’ I went NC with ease.
I do love the injury it cased.
NC forever now. I want a healthy loving bond with a healthy loving person:)
I guess I just don’t get the behavior. There is actually joy in doing this to someone? Is that just how it’s going to be for the rest of your life? Won’t you eventually get tired? All of the energy it must take to be that way….
Hello Christina and thank you for your post. It isn’t about joy, it is about the power that flows from doing this. You are right, it does take a fair bit of energy to achieve this and we always looks for ways to do it with the minimal energy spend. The ever present hunger that exists drives us on though. To others the behaviour does not add up but when you are in our shoes, we have to do it. It is the way we are wired.
But I want to know is that how it will be the rest of your life. Do you see yourself in a healthy relationship ever?
Well, if you have a victim right now , I bet you DON’T capture her again. Just a feeling I have.
That sounds like a challenge and that excites and invigorates me.