The Rules of Attraction
Those I interact with, mainly those who I have had relationships with, often ask me what it was that first attracted me to them. Dr E has asked me to consider this question as well. He has framed it in two parts however. Firstly, he wanted me to tell him when I first saw somebody what immediately drew them to me. He wanted me to return to that first impression, be it online or in person or from the window of my car. Secondly, he asked me to view it from now. Was the reason for the attraction any different ? This proved to be a long session of extended pauses as I gave this ample consideration. I must admit, this was one of Dr E’s better questions so I felt it merited some application on my part.
Addressing the first part, it can be absolutely anything. The colour of your hair, the slope of your nose, the scent you wear, the piece of work you have completed, your choice of dip for your fries, your voice or the car you drive. That is what I seize on. I use this as the focal point for my sudden and overwhelming desire for you. I look for something, anything that seems worthy of a compliment and when I find it I deploy it immediately and then look for another, then another and another as I fire up my machine gun to blaze compliments towards you.
The second part of the question is what I really find attractive. The initial attraction is just a frenetic, rushed attempt to form a bridge with you and dash across it to be with you. What really attracts me is showing that you are honest and caring. Decent and understanding. That’s what really matters to me. Those attributes mean that you will be hugely susceptible to my compliments and also utterly bewildered when I withdraw them. Ultimately I sniff out that you will give me the admiration and attention I am entitled to.
This led Dr E to ask me how do I know that you are honest, decent and so on. I began to answer but he said he wanted me to think about this for 15 minutes before answering. I knew the answer in under a minute so I compiled a list instead of the methods I am going to use to seduce my neighbour. That was a much more productive use of the time. Once the prescribed time limit had expired, Dr E asked me again how I knew. I said it was simple; I just do.
12 thoughts on “The Rules of Attraction”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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But how does a narc choose a target outside of relationships for example a neighbor, someone at work, a PTA parent, a church member, etc.? These are targets who are not lapping up compliments and falling for love bombing. They may have little contact with the narc, then BOOM the narc strikes with fury! And all you can think is “why?” You haven’t said or done anything to the person but out of the blue they just come after you like a raging bulldog.
Wait, I think by writing this out, I just answered my own question. I am presently dealing with a VERY vicious neighbor, but thinking about it, this is more BPD behavior than narc. I have dealt with them both. A narc is the most sinister and evil but a BPD is the most nasty and mean. I also don’t think a BPD is as intelligent as a narc. They just have raging, irrational, emotional outbursts while a narc is actually very clever, can be very charming and polished, and thinks things out while a BPD is just a maniac.
I am going to have to rethink things. I think I mislabeled my neighbor. This person is a terror. The only thing I have ever done is smile and say “good morning” to my neighbor. That is it. I grew up with a narc so I sort of know how to deal with them but a BPD, I am lost. I guess I am in the wrong place looking for answers. I do NOT want to delve into the mind of a BPD. Just the thought makes me sick.
Oh well, I have gained so much in my brief time here. I might still stick around as I still have some real narcs in my life, but my pressing immediate problem is my neighbor. I need to figure that one out.
ST
The following will help you:
HG’s book Sitting Target.
Also use the search bar here to locate the article: Why the Borderline Is Not What You Think.
Thank you NarcAngel. I had actually looked at his books available and that is the one book that I thought I needed because I feel like I must unknowingly be doing something to attract this. I will go ahead and get the book this weekend. I will also look up the article you suggested. I was thinking of watching his Amber Heard series as well since she is a diagnosed borderline, but I might put that off because that isn’t going to get me answers as to why I am the target. Thank you again for the suggestions.
RE: Dr E “he said he wanted me to think about this for 15 minutes before answering. I knew the answer in under a minute so I compiled a list instead of the methods I am going to use to seduce my neighbour. That was a much more productive use of the time”…..laughing. Always one step or two ahead of the good doctor E.
There are occasions in the past where some ‘line-manager’ may have ‘suggested’ using a procedure instead of coming up with my own. That was BS. Because sometimes, their “system” was also BS. If it didn’t work for me and other people, then it was actually BS. Bollocks System. There were parts of the said procedure that was too lengthy and a waste of resources (including effort) and time (not cost effective, nor efficient). I ‘ignited the fury’ of a Lesser because I proved the point by carrying on with what I had intended to do, with a bunch of witnesses around, who also assisted me with the task on hand. He stomped off, after shouting at me. No doubt, dragging his knuckles on his way out……(laughing). Thus, MY ‘rules of attraction’.
15 minutes? Okay. I can’t. Also, I can’t scroll through anymore. I have too much to do. What books? Here is what I want to know: Your mother, ( I know.. just cut me some slack) and the good doctors.What have they aside? The girlfriends, not as much. Maybe the marriage, seven years!?!? In regards to Amanda: No. I think you should keep that for yourself. That is your one pure thing. It is private. Keep it that way.
* said, not aside. I apologize. Autocorrect on my IPad is killing me.
I’ve heard that one too haha! I definitely fell for it!
I admire your honesty.
Wow again… Lol
He did this. Started out with compliments and then never gave them again unless they were warped. “That picture doesn’t look like you, You look beautiful.”
A classic move. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Do you always get what you want or get your way with everyone you set out too?
Hi Cabo, the short answer is yes. You see, I can sense who will be receptive to my overtures. If someone is not going to be (and yes they do exist) I just won’t bother as I cannot waste energy on them in my pursuit of admiration. Accordingly, I always know I am onto a winner before I make my move.