Get Ready to Drop
People often accuse my kind and me of not doing pleasant things. I find that hurtful and incorrect. If there are two things that will annoy me considerably, they are being hurt and people being incorrect (see the War on Error) . I regard this as a useful opportunity to remove that misconception. When I first meet a lady, two things go through my mind. The first is that I want to look after her, treat her well and make her feel special. The second is I wonder what she looks like when she cries. Notice which one I put first though. I am generous to a fault. I will buy you gifts, I will take you to fantastic places and I will ensure that you and usually an audience are fully aware of the extent of my largesse. I take an interest in you and engage in doing all the things that you enjoy. Tell me now, how can it be said that I do not do pleasant things?
As with most relationships, there is a honeymoon period and things settle down. There is no need to keep buying you perfume or lingerie, or that new boxset of DVDs. One can tire of dining in a fabulous restaurant every Friday or having those long weekends at the coast. I reduce the extent of my generosity but I do not extinguish it altogether. Not at all. I like to surprise you. I like to make a sudden grand gesture by telling you that I have got tickets for your favourite pop star or I might hide a delightful gift under your pillow. I love to do this as it makes you feel happy and wanted. It also means that I am just about to push you off the cliff and land a hammer blow on you. I do not want you to know it is coming. Goodness me no, I want you feeling secure when I suddenly subject you to a period of silent treatment. That way I get a sensational reaction to my behaviour and I can feed deep on your over emotional behaviour.
11 thoughts on “Get Ready to Drop”
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So a present from You isn’t really a gift, then 😞
Incredible. This is yet another pattern – the pulling you in closer before the final drop when you are least expecting it, guaranteed to cause the ‘victim’ maximum pain and bewilderment. It’s something that even now, 4 months after the event, still has me reeling.
Thank you for this blog – I’ve gained so much clarity and insight which some comfort.
You are welcome Megan. It isn’t comfortable reading at times but the whole point is to tell it as it is which people find really assists their understanding.
Wow,
I can’t believe how text book it all is. And how I so readily fell for it…ignored the the red flags, the cold chills I got when the mask would drop. My narc and I recently had a great conversation and he promised to call me the next day. Instead I heard nothing for three days. Later when he was calling me an obsessed stalker for trying to get in touch with him he let it slip how much he enjoyed seeing me get more and more upset thru my texts. This has been the most confusing experience of my life.
Hello Wow and thank you for your post, sorry for the delay in replying. I am pleased you have found how the article resonates with your own experience, if you keep reading the blog and my books the confusion will recede. There’s nothing like getting clarity straight from the perpetrator.
“ There’s nothing like getting clarity straight from the perpetrator.”
This is absolutely true but there is also some danger in it because we are getting clarity from someone who is a prolific liar and manipulator so i feel that has to always be kept in mind as we gather information.
However, I find the information MUCH better than from the psychiatrists who consider themselves “experts” on the subject. For example, this morning I watched on YT one of these psychiatrists and her advise was “NEVER defend yourself against a narc”. I thought about that and thought that is the WORST piece of advise she could give.
As an ACON I was raised NEVER to defend myself and to have no boundaries to protect myself. So even to this day I honestly don’t know how to defend myself in any situation with any people not just narcs. That IS my problem, I have no defense mechanisms, and with a narc if you don’t defend yourself, it gives them a white flag to just keep on doing what they were doing and ramp it up even stronger. ACON’s need to be given and shown some effective tools of defense.
It is not defending yourself that keeps a victim, a victim. I was really disappointed in what she said. I will never listen to her again, but I think maybe somewhere in HG’s writing I might gain some clarity on self defense.
ST,
With a narc the best self defense is GOSO and NC. Once you know you go. You get out and stay out. You block them every which way you can from contacting you, and then block them some more. To do anything else leaves you open to further abuse, therefore this is the only effective self defense in the case of a narcissist. Doing so does many beneficial things but two important ones are that it gives you a sense of control over your own life and also you can know that your NC is wounding them more than anything else ever will. The second is a side benefit but rather satisfying. The feeling a sense of control over your own life is huge, you will understand that more as you do it and experience the benefit more. As you know, as an ACON a sense of control and an ability to set boundaries has been denied to us, so doing so breaks through that and it is a wonderful, freeing sensation that cannot be described thoroughly until it is experienced.
When it comes to non-narcissists, once you start setting limits as described above with narcs, you will likely find the non-narcs much easier. There is a trial and error when learning how and also trusting/learning what to expect of their reactions. But generally in my experience the non-narcs are quite forgiving and tolerant of our learning experience. This is especially true for those who love me, a safe place to start. The people in my life who care about me have been told with varying levels of detail about my work to improve myself and asked to beat with and be gently honest when need be.
If you keep learning I believe you will find HG’s work hugely helpful to all of your questions. Hang in there.
and it works Hook. Line. Sinker. Hooray for you! But meanwhile in PTSD-land …
PTSD does that mean Programmed To Suddenly Discard ?
Hopefully when you push them off the cliff, they end up landing on a REAL mans tongue. 😉. I couldn’t imagine a better way.
Ha ha or I might just catch them at the bottom and take them back to the top !