The Power of Illusion
You fell in love with an illusion. You fell hard and deep for something which never existed. The golden days that we created together were the twisted reflections of my manipulative hold over you. I know how anxious you were to try to recover the golden period. You poured your beautiful heart into securing the impossible. I know that my silences, my verbal violence, the cheating and the lies, my perfidious control of you was brutal, malicious and devastating. I understand that the whole avalanche of manipulative techniques I applied to you, in savage wave after insidious wave crushed your self-esteem, mauled your sanity and shattered your world. This brutality was nothing compared to the aftermath.
For now you have slipped away from my tight, choking grip. I know however that you sit looking from the window where you used to watch for me strolling up the driveway, a bouquet in my hands and the pain still wracks you as you remember how you fell in love with someone who was not real. Memory after memory stirs from within, an endless loop of ‘best of’ moments that you want to stop remembering but you cannot. It hurts yet you still want to remember because even as the pain rises in your chest, you still feel the flicker of your love for me and you still cherish that. Like the drug addict, you know that line of cocaine is no good for you but still you need to snort it. The cold silences may no longer chill our living room. The sting of my slap across your cheek has long since faded. The barbed comments I fired your way each day have lost their power to wound. All of that has gone. The one lingering, tortuous pain that still sits deep within you is the knowledge that you were in love with an illusion No matter how much you discuss it with your friends, the earnest hours with your therapist and the pile of books about healing that are stacked up besides your favourite chair (which I always tried to sit in before you), none of them help take away that awful aching.
You can manage the shame of being fooled. You take a strange pride in having given your all to such a despicable person because that is the person you are. Honest, decent and a provider of unconditional love. You do not want that to change. You do not want to lose the empathy for which you are renown. The battered bank balance will repair (eventually) and the dosage of the medication will come down (your doctor has said as such in soothing tones). The strength of character which made me choose you means you can deal with all of these things. The one thing that will never leave is that deep-seated pain that you loved a ghost. Your head will eventually accept what happened, that you were charmed, entranced and enchanted and you never stood a chance. That was why you were chosen. Emotionally, you will never lose that dull ache as you sit and reminisce about our time together and how wonderful being in love with me was. Your heart will never accept that it was not real.
That crack, that fracture, that tiny chink that remains from your frenetic and devastating time with me shall always remain. It is through it that I can return as I slip, shadow like into your heart through that unhealed wound. That is why we did what we did; so we always had a way back in. For all of the strength that you exhibit through never taking a call from us, from changing email accounts, from burning the pictures and changing mobile numbers, you are never truly safe. Yes, you manage to evade the snaking tendrils that we uncoiled to try to haul you back under our spell. You will have to maintain that vigilance for the rest of your life. Our polluting influence, if ever allowed near you again, will creep and trickle through the hole that will never seal. You are consigned to a lifetime of wariness and maintain your defences because that damage is permanent.
You will always be in love with the person you thought I was.
88 thoughts on “The Power of Illusion”
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“You will always be in love with the person you thought I was”…
Going through the experience of dating a narcissist, taught me that, in order to get close to us, you mirror our traits and, to gain our affection, you play the game of saying and behaving, at first, in a way that we appreciate, right?
I’m not saying sometimes it won’t cross my mind, or get me sad about the change in his demeanor, but, when it does, I automatically convert it to remembering what I’ve just stated… Then I fall in love all over again: but now for myself! I remember what awesome traits I have – so, so good, that were able to fill not only myself but someone else also, for such an extended period. The prime source, as you would say.
I remember how his traits changed when things got hard, but mine didn’t in the end! And I find strength to keep going and share my traits with the ones who will reciprocate it, not try and taint them!
You’re right, we will always be in love with that person! We just have to remind ourselves that that person is us!!
Me and my boyfriend have been fighting. This is probably our biggest fight yet. Haven’t been home for over a week. All my things are there. Still have a key to the house. Since day one I knew what kind of person he was. A narcissist. He has it tattooed on him! But deep down thru that asshole narcissist sociopath he really is s great guy. He’s said mean things to me that hurts. Breaks my heart. Then the next day it’s good texts. He’s been back and forth. Telling me it’s over. He is done. I need to come get my things. But I haven’t heard from him since yesterday. I don’t want to fuel the fire. I know he still needs to cool down. Go get drunk, do drugs. Have fun with his new toys 🙄 that’s why I’m giving him the silent treatment because I know him very well. What do I do? Wait for him to text me to come get my things? Or maybe the text will be he’s ready to talk? I dunno what to do. I have no freaking idea why im in love with him when I know his personality. He blames everything on me of course because I know he will never admit he is wrong. Seriously what do I do, walk away or fight for us. I’m emtionslly drained.
Hello Amber, the golden rule is “once you know, you go”. You are very much in war zone still and therefore have a lot to learn, digest and apply but you have taken that important first step of identifying what he is. There is much you can do and it is far too expansive to detail in my reply, I will detail the essential framework for you.
1. Impose no contact.
2. Understand what you have dealt with and what us likely to happen – my work will do this for you.
3. Purge your emotional infection to the lowest level – again see my work.
4. Get your emotional thinking under control so you get out and you stay out.
You will find a consultation with me extremely helpful in gaining understanding and being able to achieve points 1-4 above.
Tip would be leave him, because one day you will be his full focus of negativity. Its the natural female instinct get with a guy who seem like a leader at first, but behind it all his a control freak. Nice guys, can turn you off because they may be in a process of becoming a man.. You got lucky but you and your ego will never win, he will soon exploit you more. Another Tip is do not ditch guys who seem ‘weak’ because there are real men out there that get smear campaigned buy these fuckwits who ruin it for fucking everyone….. Always judge someone by their actions, and when someone says something BELIVE THEM. I guarantee you no doubt he will hit you soon his not a man, his a converted piece of shit. He wont hurt when you silent treat him as your realise, and even when its over he will laugh and get high from some other poor women. Just leave him while you can, as much as you female nature guides you to a ‘man’ don’t listen to it.
I became repulsed with my narc after 36 yrs of manipulation and abuse. he always finds some random source to lure my back. So this time I let him work his magic and mad him dump her, I could only take it for 6 days and I dumped him. I was gonna let him have it, how repulsed I was but in the end I couldn’t be that hurtful. He was back with her the next day. He was winning to my daughter last week that she dumped him. I am free, gone Stover! And I won! (This time)
Hello Tami, progress indeed for you and after a long period of manipulation. Do keep in mind that he will at some juncture look to apply his machinations to you again, so keep reading and ensuring that your defences are intact.
I’m a work in progress but I think I’ll be ok as long as he continues to repulse me. His years of drug addiction has given him diabetes and the neuropathy in his legs make him walk with a cane, he’s addicted to pain pills, he’s impotent and Viagra don’t work for him, no teeth and may have mouth Cancer. And he has a facial twitch that drives me crazy…I think I’m good.
Malignnarc- How is it that you are capable of sharing your views in an effort to help people? I see that you are very curious about how the “victim” of these narcissists reacted to their own situations. That curiousity reminds me so much of my narc’s relentless curiousity about my innermost motivations. It actually makes me very uncomfortable that people are being so candid with you. I genuinely do appreciate your insights. And perhaps I’m feeling cautious because my own bad experience is so fresh. But, I wonder- how does someone like you feel the need to help people and even expose the narcissistic agenda?
Hello Meg, I do not do it in order to help people. I do it because I like to write, I like an audience, it is part of my treatment and it also appeals to me to weaponise empaths and set them against my kind, who I owe nothing, and watch what happens. I have been encouraged to write about this narcissistic agenda for the purposes of increasing my awareness of what i am and also the experiences of others and I must admit, I find the experience fascinating and enlightening. What I detail is to be used by people as they see fit, but they will not get this information in such a candid and accessible fashion anywhere else. Thank you for reading.
I’ve been twice with to different narc. ..from one I moved to other country and FORGOT and not loved him after half year…Other one lives under my roof still n he has bo idea that I’m playing his game n he will loose sooo much.no feelings either after 10years…YOU wouldn’t fool me!
Challenge accepted!
look G.! one of my first posts! 😉
Reblogged this on Uniquely Narcissistic and commented:
Relationship forming from the Narcissist’s viewpoint. Be sure to check out narcsite.wordpress.com
I don’t know. It seems right, but I still don’t know. It could be the other thing. Hope.
@KOE: I know how you feel. Sam Vaknin calls this the victim’s addiction to hope. Sometimes, I fall back into that totally human state.
Isn’t it a twisted paradox that we have to believe in and follow the advice of narcissists such as Sam Vaknin or HG Tudor in order to get and stay away from the narc who is in our life?
Overall, the worst thing about it – the absolutely excrutiating, heart-breaking thing about it all is that we are told to give up all hope in respect to that person. We are told to abandon them. That is about the hardest thing you can ask an empath/co-dependent person to do!
However, since every contact with a narc is triggering and confusing after the first IDE cycle, it is probably the only weapon we have, and the only way to get well and stay sane!
Sam Vaknin: “The only way to deal with a narcissist is to abandon him.”
Still struggeling with that concept, although my mind gets that it is the truth. 😕
No. I won’t be in love with it forever, I kept that under wraps until the last showdown. after I said that I have nothing left for it, and that it was all a lie to me, but I stuck it out to make sure there was nothing …..then I told it that it had no soul. IT then revealed itself. that was almost worth the 26 years…..not wasted, but to finally find myself. Thank you my Dementor.
I think this is pure ego talking and wishing it where true but its not. I know none of it was what I thought it was and I don’t give it that place in my heart anymore. some of us learn our lesson. 😉
You have seized the power.
yes I have thank God !! it took me 4 years to do it !! yay for me !!
Nicole, although I haven’t got children with my ex narc, I can totally relate to what you are saying. It’s like a constant haunting. I just can’t get my head around it all properly maybe I will one day. I wonder if they ever actually believe themselves that each time they hook another person that this time it could work out longterm for them like a healthy relationship but as you say the disease takes over everytime.
Hope you can move on the best you can x
It’s like you stepped into my heart and soul and put words to the devastating reality that exists for me in the aftermath of facing such pure evil of my Narc. I struggle so every single moment fighting his ghost and have come to a reluctant acceptance that this will always be so for me. I know it as surely as I know my name. I can not simply not answer calls however or go no contact because we have 4 children together so the road is much longer and harder for me than if I could just pack up and never have to see him again. Not to say those that can have any easier of a time breaking free however. I have come to think of it not however as the man I now know him as is not my husband and soulmate that I found and married in the beginning but someone that only looks like him. I found solace mourning my husband’s death years ago when the man I knew was replaced with the monster I know now. Narcissistic Personality Disorder for me can be best compared to cancer. They have this disease and may earnestly try to fight it (their CHARMING stage) but eventually the disease takes over and sadly since there is no cure most succumb to it and then die even though not in a physical sense. What we had was real to us as well as them, evident in the panic that sets in and so they try to lure us back in. I consider myself a widow and will always mourn the loss of the love of my life. That void will never be filled but it’s easier for me to look at in that way. What I see when I look into his eyes or hear his voice now is a man whom had a kind of terminal cancer and lost the fight for his life leaving behind his shell only physically. I do not blame him. I had to forgive him to allow healing to begin, but I do blame the disease and hurt most of all for the suffering he must have gone through before evil finally destroyed the person he really tried and wanted to be in the beginning .
Hi Nicole, thank you for posting your interesting view on what has happened to you. I find it especially interesting that you describe the charming stage as fighting the disease (as you call it) when others may regard this seduction and charm as part of the disease which masks the reality. I can understand however that you need to find a way to deal with the situation you find yourself in especially since you are not able to go no contact. Thanks for sharing this.
That was beautiful and so heartfelt, Nicole. I can relate.
Thanks for that malignarc, it’s god to know that I’m a good person as if it was mirroring then I’m a decent person with a clear conscience (unlike him).has it not made life more complicated for him marrying as when he wishes to head off into the sunset with his next victims will it not get messy for him.
He’s in a foreign country and the job he’s doing wont be so easy to just discard her. She has a very powerful family I think he may have gone a step too far this time. So hope he gets hurt.
I also think that theRriage thing is a pattern he asked me very early on and I now know he asked his sons mum to. We were both a bit more cautious and declined the offer.
I hope he stays in India less chance of his hoovering attempts with me.
Yes the best way to avoid being hovered is to put some distance between you and your narcissist. He won’t care about the mess because it will be her fault. It is never our fault and we don’t do responsibility.
You’ve never said a truer word, he never does responsibility. When his tax bill was due who sorted it err …. Me, when he got stung with a workman who took his money who sorted it … Me, when he needed anything sorting it was me who had to do it. I’m left taking care of his dog also which he just left to,
I’m certain there is enough distance between us geographically I’m in UK he’s in India for at least another 2 yrs anyway.
So I need to maintain the no contact.
One thing he doesn’t do is post things on his FB she does that for him on her page. I know he put his wedding pic there for me to see on whatsapp just to evoke a response from me and poss any others he had I don’t know about over here.
But I’m free no one telling me what to do, not relying on others to fill me up with fuel to function everyday.
Hi malignarc, I’m not sure he will attempt to Hoover me up again from what I hear he never goes back.I’m not stupid I may have forgiven him in our relationship but I’m a scientist so I leave no rock unturned. I have discovered he has had 100s of sexual partners ( which I knew nothing of) he has taken intimate pics of his previous conquest he was always pressing me for one but always refused. He tried early on to get me to have a 3 some a def no goer on my part. He claimed he didn’t have partners of ethnic origin ( a big fat lie) he’s had a few and now married one. Do he’s not coming back into my life however much I loved his illusion. My biggest confusion is why marry within 14 weeks, do you think he would have discarded me if I’d agreed to his request of going to India with him ??
The qualities I saw we’re obviously just mine being mirrored back at me.
Yes, they were mirrored back at you. Why marry within 14 weeks? To perpetuate the illusion with the new person and to secure supply. Also to send a clear signal to you that you were not good enough for him, again to garner fuel by your reaction. Moreover to reinforce his innate superiority. Would he have discarded you if you had gone to India with him? Eventually, yes.
I have recently been spat out of a relationship with my now ex narc. He was very good at his illusion, love bombed me, hoovered me, devalued and discarded the full set. He had taken a secondment working in India ( to build for our future what a joke) he was talking if marriage wanted me to leave my job and go with him he was still sleeping with me saying how much he loved me. ( I wouldn’t go do the next 2 yrs said I’d go for 6 mths) wasn’t good enough. He was still declaring his love for me then bang ! I get a whatsapp “it’s not working, feel more like friends than GF / BF can we be friends.” He remains frosty leaves me taking care of his dog. Then I hear 5 weeks later he’s engaged and within 14 weeks of the discard he’s married to a successful high flying Indian woman. Will he be happy with her or will his cycle continue. He always says he never goes back so I don’t feel I need to worry about being hoovered up again he will just keep moving forward. ( I hope)
I would appreciate your view in this behaviour.
Hi Freedom, thanks for posting. In short he has found a more productive source of fuel than you so he has switched. He will appear to be delighted with her, in order to make you feel miserable. (read Relationship Bulletin in that regard). He will then do the same to her as what he has done to you. He will look to hoover you at some point as well. It may be some way off but he will do it. Why? Fuel gives you the answer, have a look in there, but briefly the fuel he will get from hovering you back in as an ex empathic intimate partner will be very sweet indeed. A narc never really lets go of anyone, we always look to go back at some point.
Reblogged this on perfectlyfadeddelusions.
Reblogged this on Gentle Kindness .
Thank you, that is appreciated.
Reblogged this on Passionate Dreaming and commented:
Wow. Way to speak to me asshole. Oh wait. This isn’t directed towards me hmmmm
Reblogged this on Emmagc75's Blog and commented:
This is such a powerful post! I’m glad I’m not the only one who realizes how truly evil a person like this is. I got chills reading this.
Thank you, that is appreciated.
I don’t give myself a brand name, although, given we are a colonized animal and not always above our instincts, I am sure I fit in to some group. I just stumbled on this site and wanted to chime in that, I think the arrogance of narcissists is a beautiful thing…i can smell the ego a mile away and that is what drives me, I’m not sure what it is, but I see or smell one and I can’t stay away, I put on whatever mask I see they are trying to prey on and the fish is on, they can’t resist me, and they never see it coming until its too late because their arrogance alters their perception leaving their back turned without protection. Its foolish of them to think they are highest on the chain, but it makes my life more entertaining and not sure why I do and always have, gotten a kick out of manipulating these people, maybe I’m lazy and its so easy to do, instinctual, who knows, but really people, don’t let their meaningless words get you to falsely perceive that they are of some importance or meaning, to sum it up, they are serious losers who waste their life trying to be somebody, but they can’t even accomplish that, so they have to try to convince anyone they can that they are somebody and then if they finally find someone that buys into their shit, they are too stupid to do what they need to do to hold on to them, instead they work their butts off like idiots to create this fake world where they are of some importance to this person and then they leave, how stupid is that, they worked hard to throw away someone who already thought they were someone…point made… their idiots and are you really gonna try to impress an idiot or go out of your way for them…?
Hello Sillynarc, thanks for your post and apologies for the delay in replying to it. I am interested in how you decide to put on your mask in order to draw our kind in. Are you sure you aren’t a card-carrying member of the Narc Club?! Do you think it is better to adopt this approach rather than to move away from our reach given that you are adept at sniffing us out? I would be interested in your view on that.
Hi
Does all of this interest in your books “feed” you? Do the comments ever wake you up or alert you to the terrible pain that has been inflicted? Do you recognize at all? Is there ever a remorseful moment or are you just not capable? Just curious ,and by the way, I loved, Escape! Sometimes it is terrible to care so much, to be empathetic and to want to help everyone around you… We are wired this way as I believe you are wired in the other direction… In your own way, you are helping people a great deal…looking forward to more writing..
Reblogged this on The Emerging Lotus & The Jewels Found Within and commented:
Interesting article written by a narcissist. I won’t deny it struck a chord, and yes I commented 🙂
Thank you Lotus, that is appreciated.
Very good poem narcissistic man, but I hate to disappoint you, perhaps while in the relationship we held on to that illusion as you say, maybe even sometime after. Yet, in my case, I have an M.S. in Psychology, therefore I know deep down you merely project what you feel onto others. Perhaps its you who wishes you were capable of love and that illusion were real 😉
As for me, my particular narcissist isn’t your average narcissist. He is what clinicians refer to as a narcissitic psychopath; he is Dorian Gray. Once that portrait is revealed, and you view the monster behind beautiful Dorian. You run. At least that is how it worked out for me. In fact, you may like the book I am working on. I plan to reveal Mr. Gray portraits. Raise awarness so no women have to go through what I went through. This particular narcissitic man, messed with the wrong woman.
Hello Lotus and thank you for your post and your observations, always interesting to have another expert on the case.
I also saw his eyes change! He was in a rage and accusing me of lying…he had twisted my words and reasoning so well that I didn’t even recognize the original argument! I remember looking at his eyes and they were different…dark…slanted…just strangely different…
“I am not losing anything because everything I thought you were was a lie. You mean nothing to me and you have NO soul!”. The eyes became empty and black, the complexion change as the slow spread of the evil smile that appeared right before THAT voice I barely heard once (early on) before came out as she wished a slow and agonizing death upon me. It was First argument that I did not back down from – I had no more fear of “her”, I was loud – but not angry – as she slowly walked away not taking her eyes off of me. I knew I was free – and now I can be me.
Because of “her”I can face my former “issues” and live a happy life.
There is hope for the rest of you – without remorse or regret.
I sensed the same behavior in my father… I have an identical twin sister and we both have attracted narcissists.. I think I studied a little bit on the subject when I was younger, but this last relationship really motivated me to seek some answers… My twin sisters relationship with the narc was over 10 years ago.. A therapist told her to run, that he would never change…. I remember that relationship and a few of the details, but never connected my relationship with that one… Now I do… We talk about and compare the stories all the time, and there are many similarities… I was happy during the love bombing, but had I listened to my gut and appreciated my intuition, I believe it would have ended before I was involved so deeply… He was picking on little things and starting arguments even during the “love” phase…. I thought it all very bizarre, but par for my nature, I wanted to help, be kind….ughhhh… 🙂
I am wildly physically attracted to him even still, but I want real… My head understands all of the reality and what he is capable of… I understand that is was all a lie, but it is still difficult to comprehend … He accused me of flirting and picking up on a young man… A horrible concoction of lies and completely fabricated… There is no reality to his accusation but there is nothing that I could say that will change his mind… He is a well known , respected, man and I was shocked at his behavior… He laughed at my pain and horror and could not stop himself from inducing more and more agony… He took this story and manipulated it for a year and I kept trying to reason with an unreasonable man… I now understand how futile that was…. It is interesting to talk to you because in a strange way, it is almost like talking to him… Your writing is very enjoyable, but it makes me sad… It feels so good to truly love and care for someone… I wish that for everyone..( empath syndrome :). But honestly, I believe my narc has suffered the greatest loss, and that was me…
Hi Sari, you have an identical twin. I am rather excited by the opportunities presented by your both. It is no surprise that you both fell prey to my kind. Just to clarify, had her relationship with her narc ended before yours started? Were you aware of the nature of her relationship, even though, as you write, you did not connect your relationship with hers.
Your sentiments naturally accord with the empathic individual that you are and that will not change. What needs to change is how aware you are aware of how being empathic makes you both a strong and attractive person, yet a vulnerable one.
You situation is a common one. You now know what you were involved in, your head understands that, yet the powerful emotional pull that we place on you by the creation of our illusion is very difficult for you to address emotionally. That’s why we do it. At least you have realised that you could not change his mind and that it is futile trying to reason with him. I am pleased you enjoy my writing, thank you for posting and please do continue to contribute.
Hi
Yes, the identical twin subject is very interesting , especially in this case…My sisters relationship ended over 12 years ago, mine , just recently… At first, I thought I had a jealous man on my hands, it was only after I saw the lies coming from his mouth and the way he twisted reality, that I knew there was much more to it… My sisters relationship was so long ago that I had forgotten the details, it’s only now that we can compare the stories, and also relate them to our father and I think my brother as well… I can’t sleep at night if I think I hurt someone, so it is very difficult to have the information about narcissism, seep into the brain…It is a world so difficult to comprehend, that’s why we stick around trying to “fix”. We are still trying to fix our father and we still seek out his approval…
Haha…laughing at the twin comment…. We are such empaths… We could feed you for years….:). I can only smile because I know we can’t be fooled again…. Smiling through the tears, and believing that knowledge is power….
Knowledge certainly is power.
OMG so true…It has been 4 years no contact and 5 years since I’ve seen him but the truth is as stated in this article, he’ll always be that person I thought he was. Though I have moved on and remarried, yes, I still think of him out there somewhere, and I try to turn thoughts of him into a prayer….that’s the only thing I can do to let the thought and the energy pass on by, I do nothing. I let God take care of the rest.
Curious as I may be sometimes, I let that go by too, for if I were to call or drive by, I would surely pick the scab off what has healed and that of which remains raw and numb.
Hello Ann Marie, thank you for your post. I am pleased you identify with the content of this post. It has been shared and posted quite widely and seems to draw one of two reactions. The first is such as yours, recognising how true it is and also recognising the power of this illusion and the hold it has over you and still does even though you try to avoid being drawn in by it. The second reaction is one of defiance and is usually accompanied by some choice words, which shows it has hit a chord. Thank you for sharing.
I had no choice… I thought he was a beautiful man, I had no idea what I was dealing with… Now I know, and the reality is hard to swallow…
I have just recently been able to escape his toxic grip on me. I knewbit would take something more than willpower to put am end to the nightmare that was my life. I took aa no trespassing order out on him knowing be would come nack thinking he could suck me back in as he has done ciuntless times befire. Hebfollowed me from church and tried numerous manipulation tactics which i would not fall for. He apent over qn hour beating my door down, refusing to leave until we talked. I called the police and told them to arrest him. He spent three days in jail and had to sign a no contact order. If he attempts to violate, he will be charged with felony aggrivated stalking.
Knowing I had nearly been depleted of everything and was of little use to him, the end was near. ‘d spent six months prior researching and reading everything I could find on NPD. I knew the discard phase was coming so i beat him at his own game. This time, i would walk away the ultimate winner. Childish i know, but i am not equipped to handle being abandoned and he knew that. Even though he rarely hurt me physically, the mental, emotional, financia,l and spiritual pain he caused me; will take years to recover from. Because I took control by finally doing what was best for me, I struggle with feeling sorry for him and for causing him legal issues. It’s really sick that I would have any regrets or doubts about the way things ended. After everything hs has put me through, why do i question myself? I try telling myself there was no other way to protect myself, he would have continued to take away me until there was absolutely gone. I believe he wanted me to be so broken that I took my own life.
You question yourself because you are a caring and decent person who cannot stand to see others suffer even if you know they have brought it on themselves. It is this trait that makes you so appealing to us and so vulnerable to being drawn back into our world.
Your candour is appreciated. The reality is very hard for many people to swallow. That is what makes our behaviour so effective. You do not want to believe the reality of what we are because the illusion we created was so powerful. I am sure through the comments of others on this blog and continued reading you will achieve further understanding which will assist you in dealing with this difficult scenario.
I’ve been free for 2 years.was with my narc psycho for 8. I’m still healing but have come a very long way. In my journey I’ve helped other women. Its been mental hell.but there is hope. It becomes a memory and eventually fades and the pain does go away. I am very blessed to have found a great guy who is understanding and has shown me a very different kind of man then I’ve ever experienced. I secretly pray he’s the one I marry :). Any who. My ex.. We don’t all get this lucky has put himself in a bind, I don’t have to worry about him trying to get back into my life. He is looking at 10+ years in prison. Best of luck to all of you going thru this.. It does get better.
Hello JSB, thank you for your post and excuse my dilatory response. Thanks for sharing your experience. As I have written in Escape with certain of my kind all you can eventually do is move far away of hope that we are restrained in some way. You find yourself with the latter. Has he made any attempt to contact you from prison? Was is his incarceration linked to your relationship or for something separate. I am sure others will be encouraged by your words.
His behavior was so off… Even in the beginning I noticed but just thought he was emotionally immature..( at 62) he told me he loved me after three weeks and he texted it… I only studied narcissism after I saw his rage and jealousy, and I saw the mask slip a little… He is a well respected man, known as a gentleman… Wow…did I see vile, unbelievable terror… It still makes me sad, but the man I loved, was never really there…
Yes, many people do notice something is not right quite early on but usually the part that seems not quite right is linked to our Love Bombing and it is a ‘pleasant not quite right’ so it is left ignored. Also, empathetic people tend to give people the benefit of the doubt so the red flag will whilst noticed will not be heeded. I am interested in how you moved to study narcissism after his rage and jealousy. Did you have an awareness of it before this relationship? Or did you think, ‘ something is definitely wrong here’ and looked around for an answer and found narcissism? How far into the relationship did you make this discovery?
Will there be any more books? I absolutely love them and I love the blog….I am free now but I do understand the power of the little cracks… I have no desire to go back, I don’t want robotic, scripted conversations.. I went through hell and back,. What I thought was real, was magnificent, but sadly, all a lie… I feel blessed to be surrounded by love and sorry for the wounds that people walk around with… Yes, a true empath, but powerful….:). Thanks for the writing!
Hello Sari and thank you for posting. I am delighted you love the books and the blog, it would be hugely appreciated if you could post reviews if you have not done so already please, it all helps in spreading the word. In terms of additional books, More Confessions of a Narcissist became available yesterday and later this week there will be Escape : How to Beat the Narcissist (no it is not a guide to using a club although I am sure many would like that!). There are three further publications being worked on which will come out before the end of the year, so follow the blog to be kept appraised of my machinations and mayhem.
You seem to have assessed and dealt with the narcissistic situation you found yourself in. How did you work out what you found yourself in?
Very intriguing post. There may very well be a certain amount of truth in your observations. But I think you can lessen the possibility of them being able to come back.
For one, let go of the illusions, and make yourself see them as they are, not as you would wish them to be. I am acutely aware now of how boring and shallow my narc was/is. He was/is always whining and crying about something. You really get sick of that kind of behavior. What is left is something you neither want nor desire.
For another, as time goes forward, the memories fade, and he becomes a part of the past. You realize the good times were few and far between. If you are lucky, you eventually do meet someone healthy and normal who could offer everything that the narc could not. You find yourself happy to let go of the past, and memories of him. Narc boy has absolutely nothing to offer that you either want or need! Good-bye, and never again!
What becomes important, is the here and now as well as the promise of what the future will bring. The tears and the pain have long ceased. A new joy and lightness is now in your life that you would not trade for anything! The narc has lost all his former charm and glitter. It wasn’t real, and for that you become grateful! Cheers!
Hello Only Me and thank you for your post. Your observations are certainly interesting and you have evidently obtained a good handle on your outlook and experience to enable you to move forward. When you realised what you were dealing with how long did it take you to understand what had happened and then how long would you gauge it took for you to feel that you had pulled free emotionally ?
In my experience, many people are unwilling to let go of the illusion because of what they felt initially. They may be able to process what has happened in their mind but the emotional tractor beam keeps them in place for quite some time.
The illusion is so powerful and devastating to let go even though logically you realize what you’re being offered is a mirage. I told my Narc once, he’s like a mirage. Beautiful to look at, but no substance underneath. When you are afraid you’ve become too damaged to ever experience real love again, holding on to the illusion seems better than nothing at all in a twisted way.
That is very well put Clarece. I need add nothing more.
Malignarc,
You’re post is very good though!
It took me about a year to realize what so was dealing with, three months before enforcing no contact (he tried to hoover me back in about once a month, usually before or during week-ends, holidays or holiday times; once even the day before his own birthday, LOL!). But it took me an entire year after leaving him before I had totally “worked through the issue”. I spent a year studying all the narc abuse sites and programmes, attending a CoDA-12-step-group and EMDR therapy to heal from the PTSD and to get rid off the illusion.
He recently contacted me again and I allowed him a 45 min. phone call conversation (after 9 months of silence on my part). He tried to re-connect via the “I miss what we had – why can’t we just become friends?”-abvenue.
That was MY TIME to apply all I’d learned and understood about narcopaths. I let him drop his guards and display his weasel ways, and threw a couple of A+ quality drops of narcissistic supply, and then stopped the conversation when he started aching and fighting for more b withdrawing myself altogether: “I know that I have something that you don’t have and need, just as you so have something that I don’t have and need.” He agreed and even laughed genuinely. “Yes, that’s why it would be a pity to give up on us!”
“No”, I replied, “the difference is that I could find what I need within myself, whereas you can’t. So I have moved on and I’m in another relationship now with someone who can love and appreciate a woman (a woman like me), something you never truly did or even could. So you’ll have to look for some other playtool for your ‘Collection’ and web of exes, so-called platonic friends and future supply – I am gone for good, as I never stay with anyone who does not show me love, kindness or respect. Goodbye – and good luck!”
He was perplex and speechless.
Yay:-)
Hi Alice, thanks for your post and sharing your interesting response to dealing with an attempted hoover. I take it your granting of the 45 minute audience was purely to enable you to deliver your comment. How did he approach you in the lead-up to that conversation? Were you minded to ignore him or was the desire to say what you wanted to say too great? Has he tried to contact you again? I would find such a declaration to me irresistible as a challenge since you give the appearance of having succeeded and beaten him and I would not want that to happen to me, I would want to secure the win.
For me was key, was during those first weeks, I was doing some online searching of the usual and normal break-ups. Funny stuff in retrospect…like advising on how to get the ex back.
That wasn’t quite me, but I didn’t understand how things played out as they did and I was looking for answers and how to cope. WELL, eventually, I came across a post by a woman who said she thought her ex was a narcissist! BINGO! Suddenly things started to make sense!
Maybe this will help some, but even right after the D&D, the same evening…while I was swimming in pain…I vowed to myself with clenched fists “I will get through this, and I will end up better, stronger than ever!”
That same evening, I started journaling my feelings, allowed myself a 10 minute cry, went out for a vigorous swim at the athletic center, and treated myself to a hot fudge sundae. Sometime after that, I started a blog to journal my feelings further, and help myself heal!
Very true! They just fade away and what is left of them is a faint memory of a ridiculous façade (or what is left of it after it came crumbling down – if you bother to look back at all. They really ain’t that special, after all:-)
Hello Alice and thank you for posting. I mentioned in a different reply to a poster on this issue how the responses to this piece have fallen intwo two camps. Yours is the second camp but without the profanities! Thanks for your input.
Very true! They just fade away and what is left of them is a faint memory of a ridiculous façade (or what is left of it after it came crumbling down – if you bother to look back at all. They really ain’t that special, after all:-)
Reblogged this on RelationshiPedia.
Much obliged.
This blog will help so many people. It’s awesome although totally different men this man is exactly behaved exactly as mine did throughout the majority of the blogs written. Very differ r but alike in the abuse. Mine was a tad more extreme and has been spending jail time for our relationship but still cookie cutter personalities. All alike nothing original in their behaviours. So refreshing!
Hello J, thank you for your post and apologies for my slowness in replying. Thank you for sharing your observations and I am pleased that you find the blog helpful and refreshing. Do feel free to spread the news.
Yes I know this pain all too well that someone could put on an act that good in the beginning and keep you strung along for so long. But now I am stronger and truly understand what he was…a monster. He has tried to come back several times but my pain and memories of the turmoil he put me through keeps me from going back. But that dull ache you speak of that never quite goes away, I know it all too well.
I’m glad he is gone. I have zero remorse. I have my life back…. Mr. Narc, what would you recommend should he try to re enter my life? What would turn him off of me and stay away for good?
Hello Stacey, please excuse my delay in answering your post. Should your narc attempt to enter your life you actually have a number of ways of keeping him at a distance or at least minimising the potency of his machinations and their effect on you. Unleashing your power to ignore is the most effective tool that you have. Any kind of curiosity you may manifest towards him and certainly any kind of reaction to what he has done to you will be just what he wants. My forthcoming publication Escape : How to Beat the Narcissist will be of particular interest to you as it expands on these themes.
Hello Jody and thank you for your post, please apologise my tardiness in replying. It is by jabbing our hand with the thorn that we remind ourselves that the rose for all its beauty and fragrance still has the capacity to harm. Thank you for sharing that the article resonated with you.
I’m scared that this hole will never go away. I need it to in order to survive. I feel I’m losing the battle daily.
Hello Karen and thank you for your post. What you are experiencing is precisely why we do as we do because it is so effective. What is your current situation (if you feel upto explaining) as providing more context will be helpful and other contributors no doubt will be able to offer you some help along with you gaining an understanding arising from my comments.
Why MaligNarc… for a second I was expecting to read a shout-out dedication to me. You have pretty much described the last 14 months of my life. You can never say never though, that the hole will never seal. That is the wishful thinking on your part. Half the battle is realizing what you have been dealing with and accepting that it was an illusion and not punishing yourself for giving unconditional love.
In my therapy this week, I plan to review with my therapist more behind the “science” of this behavior within the brain and why the addiction to a person like this but also why you continually seek our kind (empaths) out for your addiction. Prior to any chemicals releasing, for pleasure or for danger (flight or flee mode), there is an internal “go” and “stop” messaging system to execute a decision to attain a “reward” that brings pleasure and with a built-in “stop” system to weigh the decision to proceed. In addicts, this system becomes disconnected.
I know you are interested in this angle as you now have involved Dr. S. There is much more I can write about this, but I do not wish to share in a public forum. If I were to set up an anonymous email for corresponding to ask questions in private that would be helpful to me and possibly to you as well, is that a possibility?
Clarece
Ah yes the description is apt and I am pleased you saw it as such. I take the view the hole will never seal, in fact I rely on it.
We repeatedly seek out empaths as you are susceptible to our overtures more than anyone else, you provide us with the sweetest supply during seduction and devaluation and you struggle to ever let go, providing us with fuel in the future.
I may have mentioned in my writings that normal people see a scenario, they assess the situation, they decide the most appropriate response and then apply it. I do not go through stages two and three. I see a situation and I respond. (That is why apparently we are so robotic!)
By all means feel free to communicate privately if you would find that helpful.
Variable intermittent reinforcement is what causes addiction to a person like this. Like you said, half the battle is recognizing and accepting this was an illusion. The hardest part is working through the cognitive dissonance.
I’ve actually gotten quite a bit of comfort from the fact that nothing was real. As have others I’ve known who have shared this experience. I know there is absolutely nothing I could have done to change our story. It was written long before I knew it was even taking place. And the people who came after me? I don’t have to sit and wonder “why them?” I know why them. They’re providing her with some type of fuel I ceased to be able to provide. When we lose something we love, one of the worst things is beating ourselves up with what we should have, or could have, done differently. I will be eternally grateful that I never have to experience that. My love was genuine, though. I loved her through every phase. I didn’t k ow what was happening, I just knew someone I loved was changing, and going away. Now I know different, but it doesn’t mean that love doesn’t, or didn’t, exist. That is my vulnerability with her. Not that I can try to recapture something. I know it wasn’t real to her, but it was to me. Any person who can experience genuine love knows that is where the vulnerability lies, not in trying to recreate this “perfect” beginning, but in completely and totally walking away from something you loved.
Hello Carol and thank you for your insightful post. Please excuse my delay in answering you. I note you refer to your love being genuine. This is my experience too. What do you think of jeujeu’s observation that “we think we love you” ? I would like to know.
Your emotional maturity is enabling you to process and deal with what has happened and I cannot disagree with it. You won’t accept any blame or shame for what has happened (we want that so you keep contemplating us by considering what you might have done differently). You know exactly what the newperson is doing and that it has no reflection on you (although we try to convince you to the contrary). You are demonstrating clear strength by walking away. Do you think you can maintain it as she will be back?
Some very good golden nuggets of information in this post about accepting and moving on, and no longer asking ‘why’.
Thank you for sharing your insight, it’s very much appreciated.