Propped Up
I am a product of those that I purposefully draw into my fabricated world. It is through those that are caught in my web that I find some semblance of identity. At this current moment in time, I know of several people who I take from to give me a sense of being. If I did not do this I would feel empty, vapid and lost.
In a session with Dr E he asked me to describe who I am. For a moment I was seized with panic as I scrambled to try and answer him. It only lasted a moment but it was very unpleasant. I felt like I was falling from a bridge ,plunging towards the abyss as my stomach churned. Thankfully my swift mind came to my rescue. I realised that I had slipped into Dr E’s trap of striving to give him a truthful answer. Somehow he has begun to cause me to always consider the truth when I am asked a question by him. I am not sure how this has happened. Has he been putting some kind of serum in my drink? Is that possible or just something from spy films? I will have to remember to investigate that. If he is, is that ethical? Well, whatever it is he is doing, he is not ahead of me. Not at all. My initial panic at trying to give a truthful answer vanished as my metaphoric parachute opened and I smiled inwardly as I floated to safety. You are not catching me out Dr E.
Instead I explained who I am. This was easy. I am the beautiful, considerate lover (that is supplied by the beautiful, considerate Kim who is the current beneficiary of my affections). I am the keen-eyed marksman (supplied by that brilliant marksman Steven, one of my closest friends). I am the successful businessman and dynamic motivator of people (the former from my boss Julia and the latter from a member of my team Eric). I am the engaging polymath who lights up dinner parties (that is provided by the cerebral monster that is Paul) and I am the loyal, understanding friend (courtesy of Tania). I was rapidly able to assemble all those parts which I have relied on to create my own self and convey that to Dr E. He said nothing as I listed these attributes, his pen moving smoothly across the page in his black and red notebook.
I did not admit this to Dr E but I rely on these people to create the essence of me. That is the easiest way for me to exist and survive. Are we not all a product of those we associate with? I think so. I need these people who I render to the status of props to provide my sense of self. I do not regard them as separate tome, but rather part of me, that is why they were drawn to me in the first place. They saw in me the traits they possess and they wanted to meld those two similarities together to create something more powerful and potent. They prop up my self.
I sat back in the comfortable chair in Dr E’s study and gave a nod of contentment. I had given him the answer and he could go and add it to his growing portfolio of information about me, I wonder what conclusion he might draw from my answers? I am proud of my ability to attract and utilise similarly brilliant people. After all, which actor has never used a prop in his or her performance?
9 thoughts on “Propped Up”
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“In a session with Dr E he asked me to describe who I am. For a moment I was seized with panic as I scrambled to try and answer him. It only lasted a moment but it was very unpleasant. I felt like I was falling from a bridge, plunging towards the abyss as my stomach churned”…..
Interesting. I have had similar thoughts / instinctive ‘reactions’ with a small number of people. Especially those in higher-up / line manager positions. I liken it to difficulty to social interactions / communications that I have had. This was even more apparent when I was younger and less ‘developed’ in those ‘areas’ of interacting with others. I would also describe it as a moment or continuous (more instinctive, rather than emotional) kind of anxiety / apprehension. Most likely, because of not knowing ‘where this is going’ sort of ‘scenario’. And, the fact it usually happened with those in a position of ‘authority’.
Now, either, it is my Aspergers that ‘kicked’ in? Or, it was my being an ACON? Experiencing what is classed on this blog as ‘Lack Of Control Environment’.
Now that I recognise these ‘characteristics’ within myself, I am quite confident that I would be aware of such “occasions” occurring in the future. This would be one ‘typical’ instance where I would be in need of ‘protecting’ myself from potential ‘distress’. It is no longer an unconscious / instinctual (unaware) ‘fear’ because I am aware of it.
Applying the above paragraph from an unaware narcissist’s ‘perception’, they would ‘respond / react’ through asserting their control, either directly, indirectly or withdrawal.
I can, now, understand why some people in the past may have assumed that I was behaving like a narcissist, because that is what they ‘observed’. They did not see an ACON responding / reacting because of the CPTSD ‘creating’ such ‘mirrored’ type of narcissistic behaviours that I learned through observing as such via muvver and other narcissists of my past.
When under “duress” by people like I have mentioned, I’d ‘panic’ but always told the truth. Then it’d be turned round that I was not telling the truth because of the gaslighting / deflecting / re-writing of history etc. This is a result of ‘conditioning’ that was from the start of my life, thus the creation of my addiction to narcissism.
Again, interesting to read…. “Are we not all a product of those we associate with?”…… I would suggest that this is considered as ‘character trait acquisition’? True, we all learn through other people, through our interactions with others and also as part of our life-long ‘education’. Whether that takes place at school, university, or even through work. AND, alas, through our interactions of those with narcissism. This is also something usually referred as ‘character building’ which can aid self-esteem and confidence building. Yet our interactions with narcissists appear to have the opposite effect.
Thank you, HG, for the opportunity for me to explore further thought invoking insights into myself which aids further clarity into myself as an individual. This is what I like about this type of ‘therapy’, I am given the ‘tools’ to look into these aspects of myself and the opportunity to ‘evolve’ myself (‘re-programming’ where and if needed). Thank you, once again, HG for providing this site X.
You seem like a different person now. What are the new traits in your life? Has anything changed recently?
Your absence of values and insecurity leaves you open to being controlled in this way.
The doctor has values and in order for you to feel like you are “winning”, you have to jump to his standards to prove your win.
In this case, his value is honesty and you wanting to play, must appear honest. If you didn’t care about winning, you’d not enter the arena.
Your lack of character means when time calls for a stance you are a shapeshifter. So, this allows others to decide your fate.
He is content because of his prejudice that a healthy client has healthy self-esteem through support networks and so forth. He is hearing a narrative that tells him, “health.” This boosts his self esteem because it means “good job, doctor”.
I realise that I have played narcs quite well. The narcissists are always so smug. But it was me who was directing the show. The relationship begins by accepting they cannot love you but can be of service.
You see, when you need someone for something (and a narcissist always needs something from another person), you are open to being controlled.
Down to earth, sense of humor, playful, genuine, spirited, curious, creative, moody, reflective, independent, strong, responsible….none of these are what I am to someone, this is what I am for me…..funny though I think in my hay day with my relationship with my narc and I was asked the same question I would think of how other’s viewed me and then would describe myself.
Mother, nurturing, caring, giving, hard worker, nice, sweet, helping, wife…homemaker…
It is a good practice to see ourselves how we see and feel ourselves rather than see how we fit or are viewed by others, thanks for the reminder HG!
You are welcome CC.
Surely Dr. E and Dr. O read these blogs as it is part of your treatment. If you are struggling giving truthful answers to them, how us it you can be “truthful” about your real intentions and motivations here? Is it because your readers are faceless to you? Is this a path for you to be truthful to your doctors writing in private so you don’t have to risk eye contact where you will be searching for any form of criticism or judgment? (Although that is not their place in that setting). Curious, since being in treatment, has your relationship been different with Kim than the Alex’s, Lesley’s, Karen’s, Caroline’s etc? Do u find yourself growing bored with her yet?
Thank you Clarece, you are certainly learning. I don’t give the truth to the doctors as I find them risible and therefore wish to engage in playing games with them. I am compelled to write this blog and I know they read it (did you have a pleasant dinner by the way Dr O ? It was a good restaurant recommendation was it not?) and thus I seek to show them that they are not doing their jobs effectively since I will provide my answers here rather than to them. The facelessness of my readers is a boon as you identify. Of course the latest game is trying to spot DR E and Dr O when they post questions and comments on here. I did think you were Dr O at first but I now know that is not the case.
My relationship with Kim is at embryonic stage, she has competitors which she knows about, but she is undeterred. She is special. That is why I chose her. I see no reason to become bored of her. Yet. She is different from all of the others as she has not defied me.
Do all narcs struggle with eye contact?
Hi Summer, I don’t, indeed the long, cold stare I produce often causes other people to struggle to make eye contact. I also do enjoy staring into your eyes when I am love bombing you and coming out with my empty platitudes. What has your experience been to generate your question?