Beyond Boundaries
I read your e-mails, your text messages and your post. I will become enraged if you do not give me the passwords to access your various forms of social media. I listen to your telephone conversations by standing nearby. I tap your telephone conversations and plant listening devices around your home. There is a GPS tracking device attached to your exhaust pipe. I interrupt you when you speak. I burst into a room when you have told me you are studying. I play loud music when you have a headache. I turn up uninvited when you are attending a function and waltz around as if I belong. I take your money and use your credit cards. I know you have been saving that delicious cake to share with your friends when they are visiting tomorrow but I take two huge slices from it anyway. I will use things that belong to you without asking and use things up that belong to you without buying a replacement. I am the friend that uses your make-up and wrecks the lipstick or causes the nail varnish to dry out. I am the neighbour who borrows your leaf blower and breaks it and never tells you least of all replace it. I borrow your vehicle even though you need it. I stand in your space, in your face and on your toes. I have absolutely no concept of what a boundary is. Why is that? Two reasons. I am so special I am entitled to all of these things as a matter of right. Who in their right mind would deny me access and use of such things and deny my behaviours as just reward and payment for having someone as special in their lives? You are paying for having me around. Secondly, I do not regard you or anyone else as separate to me. You are an extension of me and therefore what is yours is always mine. So no, I don’t do boundaries. Actually, that is not quite accurate. I do not do boundaries but I do lay them down for you. Rigid and inflexible but more of that another time I need to change channel now even though you were watching that programme. Fetch me a beer I know you bought some, I have drunk four already.
13 thoughts on “Beyond Boundaries”
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It’s okay so do I 😂
Maybe you can give me some insight into this. I am now 5 months low contact with my narcissistic man. But I also have a narcissistic son and daughter-inlaw. I do every thing for them, let them live in my house for 9 months, was coach to her at the birth of my granddaughter. My son , age 34, does not treat me well. very disrespectful he always was. My daughter-inlaw asked me to stay in my beach condo the month of August. I said that I felt that she only liked what I had. That she really didn’t like me. I felt used” I really shouldn’t have told her how I felt but I did. In response she has blocked me, total silence. I apologized on message and text 25 times no response. Now they are moving back to london. My son said he will skypoe with my grandson once in awhile. But I won’t have the contact with the 2 grand children ,age 3 and 5 months ,that I use to have. I know I should go no contact with them. they are punishing and abusive but I am depressed over the loss of my grand children. I can’t even get out of bed to go to work. Its very bad. She got what she wanted. I’m devastated
any help for me. .
Hello Susan. This is a detailed scenario which requires specific input and therefore I recommend that you organise a consultation with me for the purposes of conveying to you the situation and what you can and cannot do.
*on
What about the narc who gives you their passwords – an extreme tactic to regain trust once lost?
I didn’t log in until many months later (I felt bad – which I guess he counted in) where I found emails for his logins/ attempted contacts on a porn site like adult friends or something. He out and out denied it was him and passed it off as the work of his son who wasn’t even 10. Really appalling behaviour! Only now can I see it for what it was & that he did all of it just for the reaction. He probably had alternative emails and logins for social media.
Simple; no trust, no relationship.
Hi Emma, absolutely the case and a good example there.
so sick but totally whats happening in my life. its all about complete control
How scary to read exactly what has happened to me. Im so very grateful to have found this blog. I was to ashamed n embarrassed to tell anyone that he demanded to look thru my phone have all my passwords to social media n give him my past three months of bank statements. I refused he said it was over if I didn’t n yet he is still lurking n texting me I need to show him how I love him???? Whatever
Yes my ex N used to turn up at my house, get me to get him a drink I’d come back from the kitchen he’d be sprawled out on the settee no where for me I’d have to squeeze on. He’d have the cable remote channel changed and he’d then want food so I’d be up again.
He’d never clean up after his dog I had to, when we went away it was I who had to trapped up and down 5 flights of stairs with the dog so she could relieve herself ( I wanted a cottage to avoid this but he insisted on a hotel ). He would say inappropriate things in public to embarrass me, he started liking my face when I thought he was going to give me a kiss ( I hated that) constantly pushing boundaries. Wasn’t ok if I’d ever dated a coloured guy but he it turns out has dated nearly every nationality and now married an Indian lady. Total double standards.
Yes…and i do try and I can see the vulnerability in them. Unfortunately, it is often too late…The harpoon already been fired is deeply embedded…I didn’t realise until it was too late what was happening…He was telling me how I was thinking and feeling…like he had somehow hypnotised me…I know I am wiser but I also know he is my achilles heel …He knows it too…no contact…staying away helps…but it’s like he etched himself in my brain and I can’t get him out…
Maintaining the boundary was difficult and as you’ve beautifully written these were both a challenge and an irritant I am sure.
I believe fundamentally there is goodness in you to want to save others from encountering narcissists…I don’t believe narcassists are ‘evil’…their behaviours do hurt others beyond comprehension but understanding their world and given their experiences, some are trying hard to live in a world which was harsh and cruel for them. Whilst holding the hope for you and others gives fuel…I can’t help but hold the hope …
Thanks Castiel, you are absolutely right. We are made this way and have to act in the way we do to cope with a harsh and unforgiving world.
Wow! Absolutely! Yes! I get it now! …and if a boundary or boundaries are maintained that prevents the narcassist getting what they want…what a horrible mess that follows.
HG…These blogs are an amazing insight…I wish I knew this before encountering him…
Thank you Castiel, many are wise after the event. Perhaps you and others will advise others so they do not fall to the same fate?