Escape : How to Beat the Narcissist

 

The inside track from the dark-hearted master

Includes techniques to counter the narcissist where No Contact is not an option

US   E-Book Here

UK   E-Book Here

AUS   E-Book Here

CAN   E-Book Here

 

Also available in paperback

459 thoughts on “Escape : How to Beat the Narcissist

  1. Kim e says:

    Please. If you are planning on escaping your husband/boyfriend/partner whom ever please keep the plans to yourself.
    On Valentine’s Day in the town I live in a 23 year old lady told her boyfriend she was leaving him. That night while she was sleeping he douse her with gas and lite her on fire. She has 3rd degrees burns over 90 % of her body.
    I am not saying he was a narcissist. Could be just a regular asshole. But please keep it to yourself. Don’t say it just to get a reaction.
    Stay safe

    1. HG Tudor says:

      As my book Getting Out makes it clear you aim to get out immediately and if not you NEVER tip off the narcissist or suspected narcissist as to your I renting for a variety of reasons, which includes what you’ve referred to. GOSO

  2. Dolores Haze says:

    Dear HG, is it important for the Narcissist to establish “who left whom” at the end of the formal relationship? Narcs want to be in control but at the same time it’s “never their fault”, so no matter the real situation can they rewrite the history of the actual end of the relationship and in their retrospective reality would they rather be the initiator of the split (control) of the victim who was betrayed and left by the cruel Empath (not Narc’s fault)?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      History will be revised dependent on the need for control. The narcissist may play the victim with a Pity Play “She was horrible and left me without a word.” Even though the narcissist disengaged from the victim. On another occasion, the narcissist will claim they ended the relationship “Yes, I had to end it, she gave me no choice, she was making my life a misery,” when the victim was the one who escaped.
      Whatever needs to be said for control, it will be said.

      1. Dolores Haze says:

        And each time he would honestly believe that what he is saying is indeed the truth? Or he knows he’s rewriting history?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          The narcissism makes it his truth.

  3. Gabby says:

    Good morning Mr. Tuddor, I remember reading with you about when the N does not release you but leaves you in the fridge waiting while having fun with another supplement, do you remind me where to read more about it please?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      In the fridge?

      1. NarcAngel says:

        Haha. I suppose fridges do have shelves and it’s never been specified where “the shelf” is located.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Valid point. I guess the fridge shelf is a Cold Shoulder Shelving.

      2. Gabby says:

        Yes, in the fridge, freezer, or something like that, it’s like having you waiting on what is with another person but without a discard to take out fuel when you feel like it

      3. Anti Narcs says:

        WHY DO NARC ONLY PICK ON WOMEN! There nothing but bully cowards projecting there childhood on other people like it’s everyone else’s fault go to the right source have some guts and heal from it instead of damaging lives after lives.
        :/

        1. HG Tudor says:

          There are male narcissists who ensnare male and female victims, of differing ages, races, religious persuasion, sporting interests, academic interests, careers, sexual orientations and do so through romantic, social, business, work, familial and other associations.
          There are female narcissists who operate in the same way.

          It is not a projection of childhood. It is a self-defence mechanism. There is no healing from it. The majority of narcissists do not know what they are.

          I recommend you read all you can here and through my work to help you understand.

          1. Sterling says:

            Yes females can be N !
            Can play victim or helpless role & really be manipulating the whole sceen & script with high intelligence & belief in having multiple life-styles going at same time. Perfect family projection, social co-workers groupy excluding family exhistance, & co-workers plus patient affairs for fantacy all running like multiple personality shifts or role playings. Can act in very convincing manipulating manors to control wants & get out of perp role or evil doer’s position but flip it around to a victim for others to feel sorry & turn on true victims.

        2. wissh says:

          Welcome. Your comment shows the lack of understanding of a newbie. We were all there at one time. Read all you can and you’ll soon be helping not only yourself but others.

        3. Violetta says:

          I’ve met some pretty horrible female narcs, including elementary school teachers, my Best Frenemy in jr. High, a middle management type, my 2nd reader in grad school, a theatre director (unusual), and the new Dean at the job I’m probably about to lose.

          They are usually “for your own good” types. Think of a lethal mashup of Glinda singing “Popular” from Wicked and Dolores Umbridge from Harry Potter.

          The witch from Into the Woods nailed it:

          You’re so nice
          You’re not good
          You’re not bad
          You’re just nice
          I’m not good
          I’m not nice
          I’m just right

          They are incapable of being truly good, but aren’t up to making the conscious choice to be bad. They are too petty for either. So they settle on “nice.”

        4. Haskel Lee Head says:

          Why does everyone assume narcissists have to be male?

          1. HG Tudor says:

            They don’t.

  4. Mary Robinson says:

    HG CONSIDER DOING COMEDY ON THE SIDE. I FIND YOU OUTRAGINGLY HUMOROUS

    1. Mary Robinson says:

      KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Thank you.

    2. HG Tudor says:

      Why did the orange stop rolling?
      It ran out of juice.

      1. Mary Robinson says:

        Sorry HG, that was dr.yer than the orange

        1. Mary Robinson says:

          Get someone else your material.

          1. Mary Robinson says:

            I mean write your material.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            I do not understand your comment.

          3. Mary Robinson says:

            Can someone here explain to HG my comment??

          4. HG Tudor says:

            Why don’t you do so, Mary, after all, it is your comment!

          5. Mary Robinson says:

            You are so hilarious when you don’t try to be. I don’t know if you were trying to be funny with that joke or not.

        2. Mary Robinson says:

          DRY means the joke wasn’t that funny and someone else hypothetically should write your jokes.

          1. Mary Robinson says:

            I was reading your article on ipss retaliations and the part about sending your name to unsavory websites cracked me up.

      2. Maria says:

        Just because… :)

      3. Caroline-is-fine says:

        I like the cute & corny (orange) joke. But you didn’t wait to see if someone could figure out the answer first!

  5. Mary Robinson says:

    Wow these people really have a tough go. I have had my share of narc bs but not this bad after 20 yrs. Life has made me extremely cautious although I know it can change on a dime.

  6. Linda says:

    I want to thank you for all the information and understanding you have provided. I was in a long distance relationship. All my explanatory models through 7 years were wrong, it seems. I thought it was a cultural problem we had, a problem related to cognitive function, to age, socialization, personality in general, etc. I saw a vulnerable person, a happy person, nervous, insecure, one who did not fully understand the world around him, one who through life and upbringing had not been given the opportunities we others had because of poverty and lack of opportunities. It was fine for me. I was endlessly delighted with the experiences I gained with this person, experiences I greatly appreciated and that engaged me and made me grow as a human being. I felt privileged.

    But then the negative started, something I didn’t understand at first, where did all that come from? Anger, frustration, hatred, aggression, lies, extortion, threats and violence, drug use, no logic, no seeing and no hearing. Nothing I said had an effect. And everything came out of the blue. It culminated with threats of murder, cutting hands, setting fire to hair, burning passports and papers and more so I could never leave.
    I escaped, with the help of police and friends. But I never got peace of mind, and later had occasional cotact, was withdrawn again. But I never went back to where he is now.

    Then I got in touch with his new girlfriend. It was the big door opener. I understood that there is a pattern here, he carried out the same strategy with her. But, finally, after 9 years, I realized that it was not my faults and shortcomings that ruined our relationship.

    But along the way I have lost my life and relationships with others. Lost myself.
    Become physically ill from everything. I am done in many ways.

    And the years are summed up to 10. And I just feel sadness. That’s all it is. Your videos and texts are what have educated me and given me understanding. I can now act based on clear logic. It is a liberation. I am grateful to you. But still, even a year after my final understanding and action according to this, it’s all just sad on behalf of all of us. There are no winners here. So I have no desire for revenge. I wish him the best on his way.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Welcome Linda and thank you for your kind comments about my work. You included your surname in the blog handle, so I removed it. Do keep reading and learning here.

    2. Antonella Marinetti says:

      I understand very well. Quite the same for me. The first part I thought you were describing my narc. Sadness will be forever with us. We just need peace and true love towards ourselves. Keep going on, Linda!

  7. sharon ellen chud says:

    I can’t find zero impact on Amazon HG

    1. HG Tudor says:

      That’s because it’s not there. You need to see the Assistance Packages in the menu bar

  8. Anjelica says:

    Hello,

    and what an amazing site! Many thanks for the insight you provide.

    When I caught my long distance narc cheating on me (big time) it was me who discarded him. As he wasn´t engaged enough to come over and apologize/justify etc. in person but insisted that I was the one hallucinating I cut all lines for him to access. After some months I dated someone new and the narc. found out about it (wonderfully fueling me to be honest) and obviously tried some hoovering via his mother (!!). Finally one morning I opened the front door and found a huge pile of gifts and a long letter with his typical yada-yada mentioning as well that “we are going on a trip to the Far East for a fortnight” implying he and his new No. 1 supply – the message was basically : “Look what you miss, stupid”. As a reply I had all his belongings sent to his Mummy. Garnished with toys and dessous he cared to treat me with to spice up the package for the old lady. No more hoovering since 3 months then.

    As I am still having a hard time to grasp what actually happened to me and as I am still emotionally entangled I would like to know what was and is going on in his head since I discarded him?

    I obviously wished that he felt badly hurt but from what I understood it is more likely disappointment, contempt or absolutely nothing …

    It would help me a lot to know as I could let go a bit of this diabolic condition.

    Very appreciated, HG

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Welcome Anjelica, I can certainly help you understand what was happening at the point of escape and why the narcissist did what he did, what he was thinking etc and the appropriate forum for doing so is through a consultation.
      https://narcsite.com/private-audio-consultation/

      1. Anjelica says:

        Dear HG, many thanks for your reply! And I agree. I might sneak around for a while on your site before accepting your certainly valuable offer. Once bitten … Best A.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Noted, it is the most effective way to gain answers and move forward.

          1. icelady says:

            I personally think that in the state of being emotionally entangled because of a narcissist a private audio consultation with HG Tudor (who is also a narcissist) in order to get to know what the former narcissist was thinking after being discarded would be a breach of no contact, wouldn’t it? I get that it’s for informational purposes, I totally get it, but it will still be nothing else but an empath impacted by a narc hoover discussing narc mind issues with another narc and that would halt the healing process, I mean will cause the empath think about the narc and we empaths should not want that.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            No. That is emotional thinking. It does not want you receiving the logic I dispense to you.

            It is a legitimate exception.

            What you are suggesting is akin to declining chemotherapy to save your life because you are worried you hair will fall out.

            The problem is, you will continue to think about the narcissist, talk to the narcissist, watch what he or she is unto on social media, sit around waiting for the narcissist and many other forms of behaviour which are far, far worse and far, far more dangerous than discussing the problem with me and getting some actual useful and practical help. What happens then when you speak to a therapist? You talk to the therapist about the narcissist and what practical assistance does that actually achieve? Ask Lorelei for her views on such a process.

            Healing process? You do not need to heal. You need to understand and apply that understanding. Talking about healing is designed to cause you to pander to emotional thinking and continue to engage without the benefit of answers, information and techniques that will actually help you.

          3. NarcAngel says:

            Icelady
            Truth is, most are thinking about their narc anyway. They are wondering and obsessing without the answers they need. Better to be getting the information here so that you are not reaching out to the abuser, who will offer you no answers but rather more confusion and suck you back in. You are provided information in the articles and consults that allow you to view your interaction with the narc from a 3rd position outside of the dynamic. A much need view and not one you can get while in it.

          4. HG Tudor says:

            Correct.

          5. icelady says:

            Thanks for very informative answer. I totally agree with you on “You need to understand and apply that understanding” but I also think that one thing is to understand and another thing is to stop being emotionally entangled, for an empath, as we empaths do feel, we’re born with that. But I guess there’s no other way to be sure how your assistance works with narcs than to actually use it and see it for myself.

          6. HG Tudor says:

            You are welcome.

            The emotional entanglement you refer to is the emotional thinking and because I operate with logic, I am there to address that ET to assist the relevant individual.

          7. kel says:

            There is healing while you are learning and applying logic. Feels like you’ve woken up from a coma, your brain was rewired, and you weren’t functioning normally, this person was the center of your world, your thoughts, there was Pavlov’s dog-conditioning, and we just spent years hanging out with a very messed up person- there’s healing. We’re not robots who get run over by a semi Mack truck who can just stand up and move on. Applying logic is a learning process and we are healing during that time and getting well. Own the damage your kind has done to us. You sucker punched us, we didn’t see it coming, we didn’t know what hit us. We didn’t know we lived in a world where we were victims and there was anyone outside of a salesman preying on us. It doesn’t just hurt, it messes us up mentally and emotionally. ET is something narc’s create in us- all of that word salad, projection, gaslighting. We aren’t you, we care, we have feelings, we trust, we don’t lash out when we’re hurt. Unlike your kind, we deal with it and we heal from it.

    2. Katie says:

      Just discarded mine as well after I caught him cheating big giant time. I even sued him. He is still with one of the supplies he had chested on me with. I wonder at times if he loves her but I know he doesn’t. He needs money since I had his wages garnished. Omg I would to talk to u, email or something.
      Katie

      1. Anjelica says:

        Hi Katie, so sorry what happened to you – contact is very appreciated. Maybe HG could help exchanging email adresses?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No. See the rules.

          1. Anjelica says:

            Oh I see

  9. Jane hall says:

    Decree Absolute coming up soon. Escape was by way of getting OFF and away from the emotional Sea. Getting on to the dry land of Ice Cold Logic. See HG I have been listening. Since 2018 I have never talked to him again. Ice Cold Logic and never return to the Sea.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Well done

  10. Marta says:

    Tudor or Narcissi take revenge on current supply if previous ignore him? I discovered that he quickly became aggressive to a new girl, within a month he subjected her to severe triangulation (not with me, he used someone else)

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Do you mean, if the current IPPS had ignored the narcissist previously, would the narcissist NOW punish the current IPPS for this previous wounding? If a Greater Narcissist that previous transgression on the part of the victim would be remembered and the seduction of the IPPS may well be purely a means to then seek revenge for that transgression. This is rare however.
      Mid Range and Lesser Narcissists would not act in that way. What they would do is bring up the past ignoring in order to punish the victim in the here and NOW for some other transgression. This is called Bringing Up The Past and is done in order to exert control NOW using something from the past (and the item from the past may not even have occurred).

  11. Lorraine Hughes says:

    I have left my Narc after 8 years…….the mothership of Narcs.
    At first he bought flowers expensive gifts to much to be honest!!
    I was amazing a fantasy dream world then slowly started putting me down taking all my independence away I started to rely on him.
    We built a new home with my 3 daughters he then sold it behind my back and gave me 4 weeks to get out while my daughter had her exams. Wrapped me up in a-load of tax dodging schemes.
    After 4 weeks of not seeing or helping me after he kicked me out!!
    wanted me to cook for him 3 times a week and to have my place so I could look after him!!!!

    Sold all my possessions and now threatens to take me to court to get me to pay half his bills.

    Spoke to me like I was a fool.
    Had to speak a certain way.
    Was not allowed to have friends.
    Ruined my family relationship and nearly sent me to suicide.
    Would look at hard porn and not sleep with me.
    Broke my confidence.

    Apparently I’m not a real person and I’m evil and that he’s found god yet hopes I die???

    This is the worst relationship ever.

    Buckle down, stop all contact.
    Do basics to look after yourself.
    Don’t date until you are better. ❤️

  12. dawn says:

    I have been 7 months no contact – I’ve lost all my friends – marc killed my dog and a week prior said he would kill me ‘in his sleep’ – he has a sleep issue at night where it appears he needs an exorcism – he bites kicks pulls hair and has hit – cusses uncontrollably – after the dog I had a nervous breakdown – where I was in treatment for 6 weeks trying to figure out what the hell just happened to me – I do not use facebook deleted the app – I’m doing ok because I walk I journal I meditate I do yoga and breath exercises for recovery – I read your no contact book its excellent – my narc has tried all those things strategies – after breakdown I had to file order to,protect me he was stalking me – he violated order and now there is a warrant – I am afraid he will kill me so I’m thinking of going to unknown location

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you, I am pleased you found it useful. You should take any threat seriously and ensure that your no contact regime is total and solid. If you require specific assistance with your circumstances do use this
      https://narcsite.com/private-audio-consultation/

      1. Noname says:

        Almost the same situation here. He did some nasty games in criminal stuff and wanted to get rid of me and lay the blame for that on my, also became extremely aggressive and bullying, so that one day I just walked away, called the police, and that day, he went into jail. When he came back, I was gone so that he could not find me, even changed my first name. He is still searching me and doing heavy stuff like triangulation with lots of people, pretending to be the poor victim, doing false testimony in court, getting false witnesses in court etc. He took everything from me, I will never be able to have a fb or any personalized social media. I don’t want that either. Some cop told me, I should do therapy, because its obvious, I got PTSD because all of that.
        Believe me, he is everything, you told about in your YT-videos, like as if he had bought an audio course “how to become a pro – narc”. Thanks for you engagement in this topic of disclosure, I think it all starts with the right mental attitude deep within the unconscious mind.
        If one does not want to save the poor lost child, that some still see in this individuals, there would be no attachment whatsoever. So we empaths have to save the lost child within ourselves and pamper it.
        Thank you for your help.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome.

    2. Laura pountney says:

      I just finished with a narcissist who killed his previous girlfriend’s dog i didn’t know this when i met him he threatened to kill me and poke my eyes out he was a total pathological liar i still look over my shoulder.

      1. partleelee says:

        I have an old dog and he likes to lay under the bed upstairs, he needs to be carried up. I heard him whining and crying last night, he was at the bottom of the stairs as my lesser husband stood at the top of the stairs chuckling and coaxing him to come up. I picked up the dog and took him up the stairs and my husband scoffed and then laughed at me. I didn’t react, I just walked back downstairs.

  13. John says:

    I am in the same boat Lynn! bought a house and was lied to about everything totally blown out of the water it has only been months since we moved in and not sure what to do now with a huge loan and a house and someone who is gaslighting me at every turn

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Do this https://narcsite.com/private-audio-consultation/ and seize power.

  14. Leigh says:

    I just finished reading Escape. Although it was extremely insightful, I found myself telling the narc off yesterday afternoon and then again this morning. I sent texts and called. Now I’ve been crying all afternoon and kicking myself in the ass. Its been 14 weeks. Last week he hoovered and my dumb ass actually spoke with him. Then he ignored me again over the weekend and yesterday and I completely lost control over it. I can’t believe how one week screwed up my whole healing process. How long before I break out of this habit of emotional thinking? I know I really should do a consult. It is something I’m definitely considering. I’m trying to work out the logistics now. I’ve read Exorcism & Escape. Are their any other books geared toward getting passed the emotional thinking?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You need Zero Impact, this addresses what you are referring to.

    2. aapzonderstaart says:

      I told myself, the only thing worse then being a narc is being codependent !

  15. Lynn says:

    My narc and I bought a house we’ve been together since October … June 3 rd was closing not knowing that he was so twisted. I put down a large sum of money helped him move in he turned to me and suggested because we were arguing a lot mayb I should take my time in moving in !!! Begged him to work this out begged him to talk about it… all I got was arguing in circles over silly things. A week later found out he had been back with his ex since April. Asked her to put things behind them and got re engaged… two weeks after closing he tossed her and a week later brought his other girl he has been w since October and moved her into my house. Currently speaking w a therapist I am embarrassed how could this happen to me? I have been reading a lot and it started like all the blogs start w the lovebombing right down to no closure and tossed aside. I don’t know if I will ever recover my life’s savings. It’s all so surreal I wish everyone going through this … tons of love and hugs, breathe I know it’s the toughest thing to do. Thank you for reading ♥️

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Welcome Lynn, keep reading and you will move forward.

    2. anonymous_this_time says:

      Lynn, do you live in New Orleans by any chance?

    3. Lynne Long Esparza says:

      Its extremely hard you will find that you have more strength then you recognize. Trust me this is possibly the hardest battle. One minute you feel rejected or like a fool to all who know you the next you find yourself missing him and feeling stupid about it then you find yourself wondering what if im wron what if id of hung in there emotional roller coaster

  16. Laura says:

    Thank you for being so open about narcissists. It helped me to understand why I felt like I was going crazy -literally. We have only been married 3 years with one child and he served me with an emergency subpoena with divorce papers 5 days before Christmas. Pisses me off that I didn’t see him for who he was because of the whole charming stage before we got married. I got so tired of being his slave, mother, servant, minion and just had a child..I just couldn’t keep up with who I was before the baby. So he discarded me. We started a business together which is now thriving and he cut me out of it and pushed me and my son out out of the house. Hes so obsessed with me not getting part of our family business that he broke it off now before it got any bigger. He has his whole family/friends believing the business comes first and it makes me sick. I wish he would show his true colors to them. I wish everyone knew what really happened. Hes trying to contact me again and being so sweet. It’s like make a decision. Be a man and take care of the family you created or move on. But I cant imagine going back having to do everything he tells me to do and being controlled and not heard. Everyone came before me and my sons needs. This is the second narrsassit I married. I hope I can see them a mile away next time.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome Laura.

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