Escape : How to Beat the Narcissist
The inside track from the dark-hearted master
Includes techniques to counter the narcissist where No Contact is not an option
Also available in paperback
520 thoughts on “Escape : How to Beat the Narcissist”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
The biggest mistake I made when I tried to leave my partner was telling them I would. They flew into a rage and started throwing things across the room whilst screaming at me. It was terrifying. I now realise from reading this, it is best to just go, preferably when they are not around. Not even leave a letter just go no contact. It is still very difficult in my situation due to finances and because I am isolated from friends. My support network is far away which makes things more difficult. I stayed for the sake of the children, in my situation I could even have lost them. Now they are grown and have their own lives it does make things alot easier. One day I will escape. It is what keeps me going. At the moment I am not able to go no contact, but the advice about emotional thinking helps to keep me sane.
HD. IVE BEEN WITH MY GUY FOR 5 YEARS. IVE BEEN STUDYING SINCE 2018. A YEAR AGO THIS PAST NOVEMBER, I TOLD HIM I WAS WALKING AWAY. I WANTED MIRE, AND HE WAS CONTENT WITH HOW THINGS WERE. HE REELED ME BACK CLAIMING ALL SORTS OF THINGS, INCLUDING HE LOVED ME. IT WAS MY DREAM COME TRUE. WITHIN 1 WEEK, IT ALL CAME CRASHING DOWN WHEN HE TOLD ME THAT HE FELT THAT HE HAD BEEN BACKED INTO A CORNER. IT HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT CHAOS AND HELL EVER SINCE. AFTER TRYING TO BREAK UP FOR MONTHS AND MONTHS WE FINALLY HAVE ENDED IT AND I’M TRYING TO GO IN OUR SEPARATE DIRECTIONS. THIS IS EXTREMELY HARD I’M TRYING TO DO NO CONTACT AND IT NEVER FAILS I BREAK IT. HE STILL ACTS LIKE EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT IT JUST KILLS ME BECAUSE I DID NOTHING BUT LOVE THIS MAN UNTIL HE WOULDN’T LET ME ANYMORE. I KNOW WHAT I NEED TO DO BUT I’M SO CONFUSED WITH ALL THIS NEW INFORMATION, I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. I ASKED HIM JUST A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO IF HE HAD ANY FEELINGS FOR ME AND HE SAID NO I HAVE NO FEELINGS FOR YOU. THIS IS A PERSON THAT WE SPEND ALL OF 2021 GOING ON WEEKEND TRIPS AND ENJOYING EACH OTHER AS MUCH AS WE POSSIBLY COULD. WHAT AM I LOOKING AT AND WHAT DO I NEED TO DO? I THINK I KNOW BUT IT’S JUST SO HARD. HE SAYS HE NEVER WANTS TO GET INVOLVED WITH ANOTHER WOMAN AGAIN HE’S 68 YEARS OLD. I WANT TO KNOW DO YOU THINK HE DOES HAVE OTHER WOMEN HE’S JUST ABOUT 30 MINUTES FROM MY HOME AND I COULD CHECK ON IT BUT I DON’T WANT TO. YOU CAN EITHER BE HONEST OR NOT. I DON’T THINK HE’S BEING HONEST AND I’M HURT BUT I’M OVER BEING AS HURT AS I WAS A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO. PLEASE JUST TELL ME YOUR THOUGHTS. I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
You should organise an audio consultation so I can assist you in detail.
@Who Cares,
Hey friend! I may or may not end up replying to you twice, because my phone cut me off while I was sending my first response. It’s good to see you too! I am doing pretty well. The “co-parenting” narc is just as malicious and sadistic as ever, and we are still in court all of the time, in fact, our new judge has labelled our case as extremely high conflict, and has ordered us to have review hearings atleast once a year, if not more. But the narcissist’s smear campaign has become a lot less affective and I haven’t emotionally reacted to the narcissist in a way that has been used against me in a few years now, so things are going good, considering the circumstances. I have been busy. I still follow hg, and keep his books and articles nearby to assist me. We are thriving pretty well, and I’m planning to take my daughter to Disney land when she completes the first grade this summer, and then I am taking both kids to Alaska at the end of summer for a wedding.
How are you and your kids? How’s your co-parenting? Hope all is well with you.
Hello Anm,
“The “co-parenting” narc is just as malicious and sadistic as ever”
I am sorry to hear that is the case, but it is unsurprising given your ex’s school/cadre and the narcissist’s inability to change.
“our new judge has labelled our case as extremely high conflict, and has ordered us to have review hearings atleast once a year”
I hope this judge is at least better than the one who refused to grant you any modifications if you didn’t act friendly towards the narcissist. And even though it isn’t pleasant to have regular hearings – at least you can have a breather in between and plan better for them in advance.
“But the narcissist’s smear campaign has become a lot less affective and I haven’t emotionally reacted to the narcissist in a way that has been used against me in a few years now”
That’s very positive to hear! It’s kind of an odd thing that you can get accustomed to a smear campaign and it loses its power to phase you…but I totally get this having been through similar and, same, I am not really reactive to it any longer.
It is a bit like incessantly pressing a certain piano key, over time, the impact is lessened…it loses its effect, goes flat or out of tune.
It’s good that you are keeping busy and still following HG.
“We are thriving pretty well, and I’m planning to take my daughter to Disney land when she completes the first grade this summer, and then I am taking both kids to Alaska at the end of summer for a wedding.”
That’s wonderful news – I am sure they are excited about that!!
“How are you and your kids? How’s your co-parenting? Hope all is well with you.”
I had shared a bit of a personal update elsewhere (the latest Child Defender article) but I’ll sum it up…last year, I had a bit of personal setback, healthwise – so that, and the recovery time, was a bit rough for my son and me. However, things are much improved now.
My ex tried, legally, to take advantage of that situation but only succeeded in making himself look worse and, eventually, losing visitation with his son.
I haven’t had to do any actual “co-parenting” with my narcissist ex (at least, what would commonly be understood as co-parenting) for about 2-3 years now. I haven’t had to bring my son to any visitation for nearly a year. And my son hasn’t had any contact with his father for several months now. (He has his own legal representation and indicates he doesn’t want to see his father.) So, things are pretty good on that front. And I hope to make some personal improvements over the course of this year.
Thanks for your update Anm, it’s nice catch up a bit.🙂💜
Who cares,
I just read your update on the child defender blog. Congratulations!!! Good for you and your son. I noticed that about midrange narcissist. They are opportunists, waiting for an easy time to weazel their way in to get what they want. I’m glad it didn’t work. You have such a good memory. Yes, this judge granted my modification, and it has gotten better, but I am still often blamed for the dysfunction. Him not using my reactions, was more of a win for me, but didn’t matter in court. A malignant narcissist will still fabricate evidence against a victim, claim their aggressiveness is self defense against what COULD happen, etc. A few days ago, he had an attorney tell our daughter’s school anf myself, that if I went to our daughter’s school production, then the narcissist would “take legal action”. He claimed there was court orders against me from being allowed to attending school events. No such orders existed. It really freaked out the principal, and thank God the school has their own attorney. But it still amazes me how much anger, time, and money he will put into “winning” something like preventing our daughter from having her mom attend her school performance. So even if I do have good court orders, he still attacks and tries to get what he wants with gaslighting and other manipulations. Ugh. I may consider getting my daughter her own attorney soon as well. We’ll see.
Anm,
“this judge granted my modification, and it has gotten better, but I am still often blamed for the dysfunction.”
I am glad you at least got the changes you wanted.
“A malignant narcissist will still fabricate evidence against a victim, claim their aggressiveness is self defense against what COULD happen, etc.”
Claim their aggressiveness is self defense against what COULD happen?? I am blown away that this kind of thing actually works for them.
“A few days ago, he had an attorney tell our daughter’s school anf myself, that if I went to our daughter’s school production, then the narcissist would “take legal action”. He claimed there was court orders against me from being allowed to attending school events. No such orders existed. It really freaked out the principal, and thank God the school has their own attorney.”
Thank goodness schools have to cover their own @sses, legally, yes. I have used this to my own advantage in the past. It sounds like this only served to make your ex look unintelligent and unreasonable to the principal and school staff – while I am sure it was super annoying to deal with – you come out looking better to the staff at your daughter’s school, and that’s always a positive thing.
“But it still amazes me how much anger, time, and money he will put into “winning” something like preventing our daughter from having her mom attend her school performance. So even if I do have good court orders, he still attacks and tries to get what he wants with gaslighting and other manipulations.”
The narcissist only puts time, energy and money into something that’s worthwhile to them – they have to be getting something out of it or it’s not worth doing. My guess is that his fabrication (revision of history) of a court order banning you from attending school events served to allow him to triangulate with other sources, smearing you to them…”She’s so horrible to deal with, she can’t even follow a court order…blah, blah, blah…”
It wouldn’t matter that such an order doesn’t exist – whomever he is smearing you to won’t know that.
I have an empath friend who is dealing with a ULN in court and he only ever responds to child related issues (through a co-parenting app) during the hours he would be scheduled at work (then complains because she is messaging while he is at work), so you can tell that he likely complains about how difficult she is to deal with, etc…probably in less favorable terms and labels. Triangulation.
“”Ugh. I may consider getting my daughter her own attorney soon as well.”
I wasn’t actually for my son having his own lawyer, but felt I had to agree to avoid looking difficult. But so far, it’s been a positive experience.
Who Cares,
You are correct. I choose NOT to clear up the smear with the school. I had multiple other people tell me that it wasn’t needed as well, since schools have such strict laws to follow, and I was in the right. I have had no clear up smear campaigns recently with law enforcement, and did it exactly how HG mentions in his article about how to clear the smear. It worked. I wish I did it sooner. I think the reason the narc is still doing this, even with me not providing fuel, is that he hates the thought of someone making him look bad, outshining him, and so everything is a competition. The crazy thing is, I’m not even competitive. He resents even having to compete at his own games, so if he can just get me to not even show up, then he feels more in control. Ironically, he also still fights to see me. At our last court hearing, our judge finally ordered no face to face exchanges for our daughter. I was so relieved. He fought that hard and even the judge thought he was unreasonable to demand to see me regularly. I believe he also told his newer attorney to bully the school and I, to see if that appliance (the attorney) will do his dirty work. I don’t ever try to outshine a narcissist, but I did recently watch Dr. Ramani’s video on co-parenting with malignant narcissist. She suggest that the healthy parent builds and maintains connections at the child’s school, to help support the child, because the malignant parent with burn bridges and stress everyone out. So that’s what I do.
Anm,
“At our last court hearing, our judge finally ordered no face to face exchanges for our daughter. I was so relieved.”
I understand the relief. The more things in place to limit contact with narcissist – especially when co-parenting – the better!
Even where my court order didn’t protect me, I imposed my own limitations with the exception of where I was legally bound to interact with the narcissist – which, in my situation, was extremely limited.
Hi, I hear a lot of these same comments but I struggle because I have Aspergers Syndrome. My partner of eleven (long) years, just won’t leave me. Every time I try to leave she does something bad to me. For instance, she had me falsely arrested for abuse and I had to leave the home for three months until the hearing when the case was thrown and I could show that the evidence being used against me (which I had never seen) was false. During the time I was not allowed to have contact, all she did was contact me; wouldn’t leave me alone. When the case was thrown out she acted like it had never happened. Having left me wife of 21 years to be with her, I had nowhere else to go, so I had to go back to the home. From the start of the relationship I quickly realised that I’d made a huge mistake. In the first week, money started to go missing and she had taken my credit card. It took about a week before the jealousy started. I was a photographer and my work took me away on weekends and I always had a lot of editing to do. She became jealous of the time I spent working and several laptops mysteriously broke; In fact, anything that took my attention from her was a threat. This included my business, which she single-handedly destroyed. I then had no money and no security. I became a shell, still am, if I’m honest. Everyone I meet thinks she’s wonderful, the superficial charm is so obvious to me but not to them. I think she’s given them an impression that I’m useless and a bad person to elevate her own persona. I see her homing in on people but only when they have something she wants. The worst thing she has done to me, having been homeless from the age of 13-18 is to make sure that she has her name on the lease to our homes. She then used my fear of homelessness against me. As well as having autism, I also have a disability, so at times I am reliant on her and I have no family. We had a really rough period about 4 years ago and I left the relationship and she seemed okay with that, it was acrimonious until the day I left when she said we had too much to lose. I went intent on never seeing her again. She was able to get my address and bang, she was there again. I cut out any intimacy, hoping that she’d just move on and nope, that didn’t work. I just don’t know what to do. In the past she’s sold/pawned my Christmas presents in literally weeks; she’s sold the kids games and PlayStation, telling them they were broken and being mended. Even when you put the evidence in front of her, she denies it or somehow manages to throw something at you in retaliation. It’s beyond crazy. I have no friends, as I don’ t go out and the few I had where I last lived were all gay or I was sleeping with them – even elderly ones. My social media is trawled and I can’t speak to females or even add them as friends. It’s suffocating me. I’ve lost so much helping her but yet she manages to offset that by quoting what she has done for me. I’m the one skint, living on my own and she has the nice home and car, a good job and she’d have none of that without me. She has a large chest full of jewellery that she hoards away and she’s light-fingered, things will go missing and if she sees something she likes at whoever’s house she is visiting, she manages to hint and ends up with it. She doesn’t take her kids to the doctors, or dentist, doesn’t take the dog to the vet, to the point where one dog died. It’s only when I write this on paper that the true horror becomes so apparent. I feel so powerless and alone. I’m scared, genuinely scared of what she might do to me if I just say I want out. I need to make her make the decision, but how? It’s never her fault, her jealousy is repackaged as loving me too much. I end up thinking is it all my fault. Please help me HGT.
Organise a consultation with me, Steve.
HG, I sent a reply to Steve and I mentioned the AAF. I apologise if I made an error in my suggestion because I recall you saying that the funds of the AAF being low. In light of this, I have made a small donation to the fund. Thank you x
Thank you for the donation.
Happy to help, HG 🙂
How do I do that please?
Use this link https://narcsite.com/private-audio-consultation/
Hello Steve, I read what you had to say and I am sorry to read of your difficulties. Have a look at https://narcsite.com/angel-assistance/ and maybe consider this as I understand that it may be used for a consult / other assistance as a means to obtain guidance from HG. HG is very knowledgeable on situations like yours, he can be trusted to help you find a way out and maybe offer you advice on how you can ensure you are safe from potential harm. You have come to the right place to find support.
Steve – I am so sorry for your situation. But it’s a positive thing that you found your way to HG’s work.
Please don’t tell your spouse that you want out – and keep any plans of getting out to yourself.
I hope you consult with HG.
Steve,
HG is so good with this. I also want to add, when you escape a narcissist, have lost everything, the thing that has helped me and a lot of friends that I have known, was learning how to compartmentalize and structure a new life. If you have lost all your money, friends, respect in the community, one of the things that I recommend, is getting away to the best of your ability. If a narcissist destroys your work, consider getting a restraining order that includes your work address. Then you need to build up your life in a way where you do little investments, with little time increments. Sometimes survivors of narcissistic abuse can’t work full time jobs, so just finding part time jobs to start helps, creating a little side hustle where you also have control of your work, maybe you can call some of your old photography clients try to see if they will reconsider hiring you for gigs. A lot of people have been through nasty divorces, and some are forgiving if you explain your situation. Spend an hour a week having lunch or coffee with new friends, spend an hour a week doing something new and fun, an hour a week volunteering, etc. Hg wrote a book called Revenge, where he talks about destroying a narcissist’s pillars to destroy them. So in a way, you are rebuilding the pillars in your own life. If you have to deal with a narcissist after you leave, like I have to do, schedule that in, like you would with a job. I only allow the narc in my life, about 15 mins of my time a day due to co-parenting conversations that look good in court, but I cut him off after that. If you spend too much time dealing with one thing in your life, your life will become unbalanced, and it will be easier for the narc to make your life crumble. Their lives are miserable. Their happiness is a facade.
Hello Anm,
It’s nice to see you on the blog. That’s good advice that you gave Steve.
Hope you are well.
I just left after 29 years no contact but he keeps trying to contact me. I told his cousin I don’t want to talk to him at all I just want to be left alone. Now he filed charges at the bank saying I stole him money and he and our daughter (she is just like her dad) are holding my grandkids over my head. I am so lost without the kids. Easter was the first holiday I was not with them. This is crazy how they still have to have control.
They don’t. If they have had control you would not see how they try to gain it.
You may have to go to court
I’m stuck right now because I have nowhere else to go it’s killing me every day
Same, he isolated me for 26 years the worst part is I let it happen. I feel I am to blame for all of this . I am sorry you’re going through the same thing
Wow, you are living my life could you be my neighbor? no one really understands when I try to talk to them all I hear is , he’s such a nice guy why are you putting him down?
I packed my stuff as I was leaving he then had me falsely arrested and now can’t go to home or business as we own a business, he is not giving me any of my things , even kept my service dog so now I have lawyers which cost me thousands , also ended up with ptsd from this marraige, most times I feel lost and frustrated, he calls and if I do all these things I can have my stuff , trying to hold on till my court dates but my county is backed up so it will be months before court , I gave him my life savings for the house and business and he put nothing in it , I just have to wait , his daughter just like him as well so I can’t see my grandson , so I feel your pain and I keep praying and will keep you in my prayers
Pamela….I hear you as I am a 72 yr, old widow who gave my only child control of my finances when I was ill…She cleaned out all my $ and has frozen me out of life of my 3 young grandchildren whom I had taken care of daily since birth so she could get her Ph.D and advance her career. Sadly Grandparents have NO rights in most states. I am completely alone and broke….but have heart ….Pray and get involved in a life giving Church that will find ways for you to develop relatonships meaningful. Finding new relationships will ease the hurt and save your sanity. PS I found you cannot talk about your situation with most people ….they cannot understand that this WONDERFUL person you are talking about really did these things. they will blame you and think you must have done something wrong. This type of thinking will leave you feeling crazy and confused. Keep doing the right things, be strong and you will have peace of mind knowing you are good, doing the moral, righteous things and the shame is on the Narcissist. Reach out to me anytime you want to go over details that seem confusing. THANK YOU H.G.Tudor for this forum.
God bless , I actually have both of my daughters . I thank god everyday she is not able to sink her claws into them ! That is so sad to say but so true . God bless and good luck !
Please. If you are planning on escaping your husband/boyfriend/partner whom ever please keep the plans to yourself.
On Valentine’s Day in the town I live in a 23 year old lady told her boyfriend she was leaving him. That night while she was sleeping he douse her with gas and lite her on fire. She has 3rd degrees burns over 90 % of her body.
I am not saying he was a narcissist. Could be just a regular asshole. But please keep it to yourself. Don’t say it just to get a reaction.
Stay safe
As my book Getting Out makes it clear you aim to get out immediately and if not you NEVER tip off the narcissist or suspected narcissist as to your I renting for a variety of reasons, which includes what you’ve referred to. GOSO
No contact times 2 months… getting spam phone calls and a voicemail of a man coughing and sniffling. Last we spoke he was yelling about me going no contact. ( told him I was leaving the picture) phone calls come from different locations
Wondering if it’s him… I don’t answer them
Kept telling me I will never hurt you physically
Change your number.
Thank you
In the beginning of a 12 year relationship I left my Narc 4 times and she knew every address to the location I moved to in the same city and would visit me and love bombing the hell out of me the of course hoover me back home. And for the rest of this 12 year relationship was pure hell, after catching her cheating, that became the opportunity, there was light on the other end of the tunnel I eventually moved over 2600 miles away. It’s been 6 months no contact. She’s been love bombing, and gaslighting me ever since I moved out via her mother and friends cell phones.
https://www.facebook.com/secrettarot1111/photos/a.104306794243008/188839732456380/?type=3
Dear HG, is it important for the Narcissist to establish “who left whom” at the end of the formal relationship? Narcs want to be in control but at the same time it’s “never their fault”, so no matter the real situation can they rewrite the history of the actual end of the relationship and in their retrospective reality would they rather be the initiator of the split (control) of the victim who was betrayed and left by the cruel Empath (not Narc’s fault)?
History will be revised dependent on the need for control. The narcissist may play the victim with a Pity Play “She was horrible and left me without a word.” Even though the narcissist disengaged from the victim. On another occasion, the narcissist will claim they ended the relationship “Yes, I had to end it, she gave me no choice, she was making my life a misery,” when the victim was the one who escaped.
Whatever needs to be said for control, it will be said.
And each time he would honestly believe that what he is saying is indeed the truth? Or he knows he’s rewriting history?
The narcissism makes it his truth.
But isn’t this revisionist history for outward appearances?
If the N knows it was an escape, he or she knows the truth. Thus, doesn’t he or she hoover in order to disengage on his or her terms and/or malign and obsess?
The narcissism revises history full stop in order to suit control.
IPPS escapes. Narcissist deploys IGH and fails. Narcissist still needs to assert control, therefore contacts mother laying down a Pity Play about how the heartless witch has left him after everything he has done (his abusive and controlling behaviour is either not noticed or was a response to her horrible ways as he tried to defend himself), mother provides sympathy, therefore narcissist feels control over both mother and escaped IPPS. Two minutes later bumps into best friend who asks how is it going with “Jenny” (the escaped IPPS). “Oh her,” responded the narcissist, “had to kick her to the kerb, she is a nut job, so needy.” His narcissism selects a revision of history as demonstrating haughty dismissal is more effective to obtain control over this NISS and the escaped IPPS. He will not be thinking “I am saying this although she left me” or “Just two minutes ago I was crying to my mother because she has left me” That is compartmentalised away. It is all about the moment.
Thank you HG. That makes sense. I guess it’s different with the person is an IPSS of any sort.
I am going through this right now. All of the gaslighting. Making my life a misery. Saying I make him leave me. I am devastated. Mad now he continues to talk to me, and of course I engage. Which I know I shouldn’t. Yet I can’t seem to help myself. He told me he had a date tonight. Would let me know how it went. I really hope not. I feel sick just thinking about it. We just broke up on Sunday.
Shirley, I’m sorry you’re feeling so low. Can I ask, are you able to go no contact with him? If you can, block his number, etc, then he won’t be able to tell you anything about the date.
Change your number
Shirley, stay here. Keep reading. I promise you the more you read, the more you will gain understanding. Mr. Tudor’s blog is unrivaled and it is the only place you will find true understanding.
Hello Shirley, My heart goes out to you in this painful time. Please keep in mind that the pain you are feeling largely comes from an attachment to what amounts to a false belief. You believed in the N’s illusion and it felt wonderful and you want that back, but in truth it never existed (read “The devastation of the Illusion”). Please love yourself more. This man is not ever going to be what you need and if he had the capacity to care, none of this would be happening. See it for what it is. It will not make it hurt less, but it will help to to stop adding more pain. Go no contact. As HG says, “When you know, you go.” Please also read “Crossing the Emotional Sea” parts 1-3. It will help you. Lastly I highly recommend the triple addiction package as it will help you let go and heal. A consult with HG may also be just what you need. Take care.
FYC hi where do i get crossing the emotional sea” is it a book or?
Thanks kindly 🌷
Shirley, the hardest part of leaving a narcissist is realizing your whole relationship was a lie, and all about control. That’s why it’s so important to go no contact. It is truly the only way to not still be as miserable as you were when you were with him. I married a man i had known (or thought I did) for 10 years. After 16 years together he had destroyed every family relationship I’d had and I was living in constant misery. Get in a good church, learn to forgive yourself and trust yourself again, and realize all of a narcissist’s life is lies and control of you. Go no contact and instead put your energy into you and your church friends. You will find an amazing life you didn’t know was possible! As long as you have contact with him he will continue to make you more and more miserable and confused. Instead, go live your best life!
Hi Suzi, So sorry I did not see your question until now. Here is what you seek:
https://narcsite.com/2020/11/08/the-emotional-sea-the-first-battle/
https://narcsite.com/2022/03/26/the-emotional-sea-the-second-battle-9/
https://narcsite.com/2022/03/27/the-emotional-sea-the-third-battle-9/
Any time you cannot find what you need from the search bar on KTN (it is not very powerful) simple put the word narcsite and any other relevant search teams (names, titles, words, etc) and you will get a very good result from google in most cases. Best of luck to you.
Thank you for supplying these, FYC.
My pleasure, HG.
Hello Shirley
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through! I really feel for you, it is absolutely horrible, and I can imagine how devastated you must be feeling.
Most of us here know from experience how excruciating the break-up can be (whether you initiate it or he does), but this is your chance. This is absolutely the moment for you to escape. You will probably feel like you are going cold turkey on the most addictive drug you can think of, but you really need to cut him out of your life now (the longer you wait, the most dangerous it is to your mental and maybe also physical health).
You will probably be misled by your emotional thinking into believing that escaping is too painful, and that to keep engaging with him is less so. WRONG, in the long run at least. You will heal, and accessing HG’s work will be life-changing for you too.
Cutting that man out of your life means changing your number, HG is absolutely right about this- I only blocked ‘my’ narc and my phone played up 10 months later, and I was hoovered. Even 10 months after my escape, I still got very upset for about 2 weeks and fought like mad against the urge to respond. I wish now that I’d changed my number earlier so as not to have to experience that.
We are here for you, and most importantly, HG is. I will second FYC in her advice to book a consultation with HG.
Take good care, and do let us know about your escape 🙂
Hello I’m Tina and currently still kinda stuck been with mine 24yrs and he had messed me up emotionally physically and mentally and I’m just so exhausted to fight most of the time so I give in and I have a big heart still waiting on that little chance he will change impossible I guess it’s so hard your in a fog I have recently left the house I am now in a camper in a family member driveway I just got a job the other one I had ended this is a constant struggle and fight that just wears you down and they have messed up your reality and self esteem your in a brain fog and can’t get out of your own way I still go back and forth and it’s killing me cuz o just don’t know anything else on my life I have no clue who I am anymore with out him and it’s sad but I’m gonna try and struggle everyday to be free
You need to consult HG now;)
Hello Tina, consult with HG now. Your life will change!
Wow they always throw the new supply in your face ! 🤦🏻♂️
Good morning Mr. Tuddor, I remember reading with you about when the N does not release you but leaves you in the fridge waiting while having fun with another supplement, do you remind me where to read more about it please?
In the fridge?
Haha. I suppose fridges do have shelves and it’s never been specified where “the shelf” is located.
Valid point. I guess the fridge shelf is a Cold Shoulder Shelving.
😂😂😂😂
Yes, in the fridge, freezer, or something like that, it’s like having you waiting on what is with another person but without a discard to take out fuel when you feel like it
WHY DO NARC ONLY PICK ON WOMEN! There nothing but bully cowards projecting there childhood on other people like it’s everyone else’s fault go to the right source have some guts and heal from it instead of damaging lives after lives.
:/
There are male narcissists who ensnare male and female victims, of differing ages, races, religious persuasion, sporting interests, academic interests, careers, sexual orientations and do so through romantic, social, business, work, familial and other associations.
There are female narcissists who operate in the same way.
It is not a projection of childhood. It is a self-defence mechanism. There is no healing from it. The majority of narcissists do not know what they are.
I recommend you read all you can here and through my work to help you understand.
Yes females can be N !
Can play victim or helpless role & really be manipulating the whole sceen & script with high intelligence & belief in having multiple life-styles going at same time. Perfect family projection, social co-workers groupy excluding family exhistance, & co-workers plus patient affairs for fantacy all running like multiple personality shifts or role playings. Can act in very convincing manipulating manors to control wants & get out of perp role or evil doer’s position but flip it around to a victim for others to feel sorry & turn on true victims.
I’m dealing wth a female narcissist and your right it is a defense mechanism they’ve built in themselves to protect their image and false sense of self. Mine is covert and very sly and she has everyone fooled but me and this is why I’m her number one enemy because I saw everything that many people in her life didn’t see. My red flags were her being so uncomfortable wth me getting to know her and she spent all of her energy trying to prove to me and anyone else who wld listen that I didn’t know her and that I was the crazy one. The smear campaign. Her worst fear was exposed and in that fear she ended up exposing herself. It’s a sad condition they have but they know exactly what they are doing
Welcome. Your comment shows the lack of understanding of a newbie. We were all there at one time. Read all you can and you’ll soon be helping not only yourself but others.
I’ve met some pretty horrible female narcs, including elementary school teachers, my Best Frenemy in jr. High, a middle management type, my 2nd reader in grad school, a theatre director (unusual), and the new Dean at the job I’m probably about to lose.
They are usually “for your own good” types. Think of a lethal mashup of Glinda singing “Popular” from Wicked and Dolores Umbridge from Harry Potter.
The witch from Into the Woods nailed it:
You’re so nice
You’re not good
You’re not bad
You’re just nice
I’m not good
I’m not nice
I’m just right
They are incapable of being truly good, but aren’t up to making the conscious choice to be bad. They are too petty for either. So they settle on “nice.”
Why does everyone assume narcissists have to be male?
They don’t.
HG CONSIDER DOING COMEDY ON THE SIDE. I FIND YOU OUTRAGINGLY HUMOROUS
KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK
Thank you.
Why did the orange stop rolling?
It ran out of juice.
Sorry HG, that was dr.yer than the orange
Get someone else your material.
I mean write your material.
I do not understand your comment.
Can someone here explain to HG my comment??
Why don’t you do so, Mary, after all, it is your comment!
You are so hilarious when you don’t try to be. I don’t know if you were trying to be funny with that joke or not.
DRY means the joke wasn’t that funny and someone else hypothetically should write your jokes.
I was reading your article on ipss retaliations and the part about sending your name to unsavory websites cracked me up.
Just because… 🙂
I like the cute & corny (orange) joke. But you didn’t wait to see if someone could figure out the answer first!
Wow these people really have a tough go. I have had my share of narc bs but not this bad after 20 yrs. Life has made me extremely cautious although I know it can change on a dime.
I want to thank you for all the information and understanding you have provided. I was in a long distance relationship. All my explanatory models through 7 years were wrong, it seems. I thought it was a cultural problem we had, a problem related to cognitive function, to age, socialization, personality in general, etc. I saw a vulnerable person, a happy person, nervous, insecure, one who did not fully understand the world around him, one who through life and upbringing had not been given the opportunities we others had because of poverty and lack of opportunities. It was fine for me. I was endlessly delighted with the experiences I gained with this person, experiences I greatly appreciated and that engaged me and made me grow as a human being. I felt privileged.
But then the negative started, something I didn’t understand at first, where did all that come from? Anger, frustration, hatred, aggression, lies, extortion, threats and violence, drug use, no logic, no seeing and no hearing. Nothing I said had an effect. And everything came out of the blue. It culminated with threats of murder, cutting hands, setting fire to hair, burning passports and papers and more so I could never leave.
I escaped, with the help of police and friends. But I never got peace of mind, and later had occasional cotact, was withdrawn again. But I never went back to where he is now.
Then I got in touch with his new girlfriend. It was the big door opener. I understood that there is a pattern here, he carried out the same strategy with her. But, finally, after 9 years, I realized that it was not my faults and shortcomings that ruined our relationship.
But along the way I have lost my life and relationships with others. Lost myself.
Become physically ill from everything. I am done in many ways.
And the years are summed up to 10. And I just feel sadness. That’s all it is. Your videos and texts are what have educated me and given me understanding. I can now act based on clear logic. It is a liberation. I am grateful to you. But still, even a year after my final understanding and action according to this, it’s all just sad on behalf of all of us. There are no winners here. So I have no desire for revenge. I wish him the best on his way.
Welcome Linda and thank you for your kind comments about my work. You included your surname in the blog handle, so I removed it. Do keep reading and learning here.
how would I contact you for audio session? And how much is it hourly?
Hello Wendy, use this link which provides you with answers to both of your questions https://narcsite.com/private-audio-consultation/
I understand very well. Quite the same for me. The first part I thought you were describing my narc. Sadness will be forever with us. We just need peace and true love towards ourselves. Keep going on, Linda!
So I’ve been married for almost ten years to a beautiful girl who I dreamed of spending the rest of my life with. We have two little girls 7 and 8. I love being father and a husband and I love all three of them more than I ever thought possible. About a year and a half ago I heard from a neighbor telling me about this guy that had been coming over once a week to hang out with my wife for a few hours every Wednesday . My heart was crushed and instead of keeping my mouth shut and setting up a camera or just catching them in the act I asked her about it and she flipped out and denied everything and then a short amount of time later she took all the money and kids and moved into her moms. About a month went by and one Friday night she called to tell me and the kids goodnight because she was going to bed. At 330 am she called drunk at a casino and told me she is coming over. Before she did tho I asked her 15 times if she was alone all night and each time she said yes. When she arrived the first thing she said was I hate myself but wouldn’t tell me why. The next day she is wanting to move back but right before she got back with her first load of belongings a friend called me and sent me pics of her holding hands with some guy and they were followed until my buddy needed a room key to continue following them. I forgave her even tho she swore none of that happened except for a guy helping her walk to the bathroom. She hasn’t been nice since. She lost 30 pounds in the last three months. She stays up at all hours of the night. She hasn’t said sorry for anything over the last few years and the last few weeks she has called me a narcissist and it sounds like she is reading from this last message. I found this link from her Facebook page so I just started putting it all together. I don’t post any selfies and she post 4 or 5 sexy ones every day while having thousands of single men compliment her on all of them. There’s a lot more examples so my question is how can I get her to realize she is the narcissist and is it possible to get the girl I fell in love with back. Last week she told our family and friends and my kids teachers that she left me because I’m a lying gay narcissist. I really could use some type of advice besides divorcing her. Thanks
Hello Robby and thank you for your comment. There is significant detail in what you have written and doubtless a lot more that you can convey. In order to provide you with bespoke assistance with regard to your situation and to receive additional information from you, you are best served by organising a consultation https://narcsite.com/private-audio-consultation/
Wow, Robbie, I am so sorry you are dealing with this painful situation. Please have a consult with HG quickly. It sounds to me like you are dealing with a narcissist, and you do not sound like a narcissist.
Just so you don’t hold on to the idea of this girl, she was likely never the person you thought she was, and no doubt projected. You need HG. I hope you keep reading here and let us know how things go as you move forward. Sending heartfelt best wishes for a brighter and more peaceful future with your children.
I like you statement “done in many ways”
I feel that after 22 years with my N. I escaped 2 yeras ago.
I am trying to life. I have found new Narcissist but have been stronger and escaped after a few months. Theses escapes have sent me from one end of the Mississippi to the other and them some.
I now find myself to sick and disabled to work.
I am currently living with my mother who is also, suprise! A Narcissist 🤣 ( at least I dont have to sleep in the same room)
Please anyone else reading…just go safely your true friends will understand.
I am now useless my Narcissist induced disabilitys have made life seemingly impossible.
I wish I could be more positive and say everything gets better.
I can say everything is now in my control.
I am stillnin love withbone of my N’s.
I was reading the comment about beingbin love with the fantasy. That was an interesting watvto look at it. I also like the comment about the fridge. I use shoe box but the fridge work better.
Thanks for reading
I can completely relate to you. It’s been 9 years for me too. My life is very lonely even though I’ve healed and found peace. The aftermath of PTSD is. No joke. I am so selective now it is almost scary.
Your right there are no winners in these situations.
I can’t find zero impact on Amazon HG
That’s because it’s not there. You need to see the Assistance Packages in the menu bar
Hello,
and what an amazing site! Many thanks for the insight you provide.
When I caught my long distance narc cheating on me (big time) it was me who discarded him. As he wasn´t engaged enough to come over and apologize/justify etc. in person but insisted that I was the one hallucinating I cut all lines for him to access. After some months I dated someone new and the narc. found out about it (wonderfully fueling me to be honest) and obviously tried some hoovering via his mother (!!). Finally one morning I opened the front door and found a huge pile of gifts and a long letter with his typical yada-yada mentioning as well that “we are going on a trip to the Far East for a fortnight” implying he and his new No. 1 supply – the message was basically : “Look what you miss, stupid”. As a reply I had all his belongings sent to his Mummy. Garnished with toys and dessous he cared to treat me with to spice up the package for the old lady. No more hoovering since 3 months then.
As I am still having a hard time to grasp what actually happened to me and as I am still emotionally entangled I would like to know what was and is going on in his head since I discarded him?
I obviously wished that he felt badly hurt but from what I understood it is more likely disappointment, contempt or absolutely nothing …
It would help me a lot to know as I could let go a bit of this diabolic condition.
Very appreciated, HG
Welcome Anjelica, I can certainly help you understand what was happening at the point of escape and why the narcissist did what he did, what he was thinking etc and the appropriate forum for doing so is through a consultation.
https://narcsite.com/private-audio-consultation/
Dear HG, many thanks for your reply! And I agree. I might sneak around for a while on your site before accepting your certainly valuable offer. Once bitten … Best A.
Noted, it is the most effective way to gain answers and move forward.
I personally think that in the state of being emotionally entangled because of a narcissist a private audio consultation with HG Tudor (who is also a narcissist) in order to get to know what the former narcissist was thinking after being discarded would be a breach of no contact, wouldn’t it? I get that it’s for informational purposes, I totally get it, but it will still be nothing else but an empath impacted by a narc hoover discussing narc mind issues with another narc and that would halt the healing process, I mean will cause the empath think about the narc and we empaths should not want that.
No. That is emotional thinking. It does not want you receiving the logic I dispense to you.
It is a legitimate exception.
What you are suggesting is akin to declining chemotherapy to save your life because you are worried you hair will fall out.
The problem is, you will continue to think about the narcissist, talk to the narcissist, watch what he or she is unto on social media, sit around waiting for the narcissist and many other forms of behaviour which are far, far worse and far, far more dangerous than discussing the problem with me and getting some actual useful and practical help. What happens then when you speak to a therapist? You talk to the therapist about the narcissist and what practical assistance does that actually achieve? Ask Lorelei for her views on such a process.
Healing process? You do not need to heal. You need to understand and apply that understanding. Talking about healing is designed to cause you to pander to emotional thinking and continue to engage without the benefit of answers, information and techniques that will actually help you.
Icelady
Truth is, most are thinking about their narc anyway. They are wondering and obsessing without the answers they need. Better to be getting the information here so that you are not reaching out to the abuser, who will offer you no answers but rather more confusion and suck you back in. You are provided information in the articles and consults that allow you to view your interaction with the narc from a 3rd position outside of the dynamic. A much need view and not one you can get while in it.
Correct.
Thanks for very informative answer. I totally agree with you on “You need to understand and apply that understanding” but I also think that one thing is to understand and another thing is to stop being emotionally entangled, for an empath, as we empaths do feel, we’re born with that. But I guess there’s no other way to be sure how your assistance works with narcs than to actually use it and see it for myself.
You are welcome.
The emotional entanglement you refer to is the emotional thinking and because I operate with logic, I am there to address that ET to assist the relevant individual.
There is healing while you are learning and applying logic. Feels like you’ve woken up from a coma, your brain was rewired, and you weren’t functioning normally, this person was the center of your world, your thoughts, there was Pavlov’s dog-conditioning, and we just spent years hanging out with a very messed up person- there’s healing. We’re not robots who get run over by a semi Mack truck who can just stand up and move on. Applying logic is a learning process and we are healing during that time and getting well. Own the damage your kind has done to us. You sucker punched us, we didn’t see it coming, we didn’t know what hit us. We didn’t know we lived in a world where we were victims and there was anyone outside of a salesman preying on us. It doesn’t just hurt, it messes us up mentally and emotionally. ET is something narc’s create in us- all of that word salad, projection, gaslighting. We aren’t you, we care, we have feelings, we trust, we don’t lash out when we’re hurt. Unlike your kind, we deal with it and we heal from it.
Just discarded mine as well after I caught him cheating big giant time. I even sued him. He is still with one of the supplies he had chested on me with. I wonder at times if he loves her but I know he doesn’t. He needs money since I had his wages garnished. Omg I would to talk to u, email or something.
Katie
Hi Katie, so sorry what happened to you – contact is very appreciated. Maybe HG could help exchanging email adresses?
No. See the rules.
Oh I see
Decree Absolute coming up soon. Escape was by way of getting OFF and away from the emotional Sea. Getting on to the dry land of Ice Cold Logic. See HG I have been listening. Since 2018 I have never talked to him again. Ice Cold Logic and never return to the Sea.
Well done
Tudor or Narcissi take revenge on current supply if previous ignore him? I discovered that he quickly became aggressive to a new girl, within a month he subjected her to severe triangulation (not with me, he used someone else)
Do you mean, if the current IPPS had ignored the narcissist previously, would the narcissist NOW punish the current IPPS for this previous wounding? If a Greater Narcissist that previous transgression on the part of the victim would be remembered and the seduction of the IPPS may well be purely a means to then seek revenge for that transgression. This is rare however.
Mid Range and Lesser Narcissists would not act in that way. What they would do is bring up the past ignoring in order to punish the victim in the here and NOW for some other transgression. This is called Bringing Up The Past and is done in order to exert control NOW using something from the past (and the item from the past may not even have occurred).
I have left my Narc after 8 years…….the mothership of Narcs.
At first he bought flowers expensive gifts to much to be honest!!
I was amazing a fantasy dream world then slowly started putting me down taking all my independence away I started to rely on him.
We built a new home with my 3 daughters he then sold it behind my back and gave me 4 weeks to get out while my daughter had her exams. Wrapped me up in a-load of tax dodging schemes.
After 4 weeks of not seeing or helping me after he kicked me out!!
wanted me to cook for him 3 times a week and to have my place so I could look after him!!!!
Sold all my possessions and now threatens to take me to court to get me to pay half his bills.
Spoke to me like I was a fool.
Had to speak a certain way.
Was not allowed to have friends.
Ruined my family relationship and nearly sent me to suicide.
Would look at hard porn and not sleep with me.
Broke my confidence.
Apparently I’m not a real person and I’m evil and that he’s found god yet hopes I die???
This is the worst relationship ever.
Buckle down, stop all contact.
Do basics to look after yourself.
Don’t date until you are better. ❤️
After the last pain and meeting HG, another event will happen. You will be surprised at the Light that enters. You will be spending more time doing what you love, you will be spending more time with friends and family. You will discover new or old interests, you will find the stability fantastic and if an empath you will help more and more not just him. Life will just be better despite any effort. Best wishes to you!
I have been 7 months no contact – I’ve lost all my friends – marc killed my dog and a week prior said he would kill me ‘in his sleep’ – he has a sleep issue at night where it appears he needs an exorcism – he bites kicks pulls hair and has hit – cusses uncontrollably – after the dog I had a nervous breakdown – where I was in treatment for 6 weeks trying to figure out what the hell just happened to me – I do not use facebook deleted the app – I’m doing ok because I walk I journal I meditate I do yoga and breath exercises for recovery – I read your no contact book its excellent – my narc has tried all those things strategies – after breakdown I had to file order to,protect me he was stalking me – he violated order and now there is a warrant – I am afraid he will kill me so I’m thinking of going to unknown location
Thank you, I am pleased you found it useful. You should take any threat seriously and ensure that your no contact regime is total and solid. If you require specific assistance with your circumstances do use this
https://narcsite.com/private-audio-consultation/
Almost the same situation here. He did some nasty games in criminal stuff and wanted to get rid of me and lay the blame for that on my, also became extremely aggressive and bullying, so that one day I just walked away, called the police, and that day, he went into jail. When he came back, I was gone so that he could not find me, even changed my first name. He is still searching me and doing heavy stuff like triangulation with lots of people, pretending to be the poor victim, doing false testimony in court, getting false witnesses in court etc. He took everything from me, I will never be able to have a fb or any personalized social media. I don’t want that either. Some cop told me, I should do therapy, because its obvious, I got PTSD because all of that.
Believe me, he is everything, you told about in your YT-videos, like as if he had bought an audio course “how to become a pro – narc”. Thanks for you engagement in this topic of disclosure, I think it all starts with the right mental attitude deep within the unconscious mind.
If one does not want to save the poor lost child, that some still see in this individuals, there would be no attachment whatsoever. So we empaths have to save the lost child within ourselves and pamper it.
Thank you for your help.
You are welcome.
I just finished with a narcissist who killed his previous girlfriend’s dog i didn’t know this when i met him he threatened to kill me and poke my eyes out he was a total pathological liar i still look over my shoulder.
I have an old dog and he likes to lay under the bed upstairs, he needs to be carried up. I heard him whining and crying last night, he was at the bottom of the stairs as my lesser husband stood at the top of the stairs chuckling and coaxing him to come up. I picked up the dog and took him up the stairs and my husband scoffed and then laughed at me. I didn’t react, I just walked back downstairs.
I am in the same boat Lynn! bought a house and was lied to about everything totally blown out of the water it has only been months since we moved in and not sure what to do now with a huge loan and a house and someone who is gaslighting me at every turn
Do this https://narcsite.com/private-audio-consultation/ and seize power.
I just finished reading Escape. Although it was extremely insightful, I found myself telling the narc off yesterday afternoon and then again this morning. I sent texts and called. Now I’ve been crying all afternoon and kicking myself in the ass. Its been 14 weeks. Last week he hoovered and my dumb ass actually spoke with him. Then he ignored me again over the weekend and yesterday and I completely lost control over it. I can’t believe how one week screwed up my whole healing process. How long before I break out of this habit of emotional thinking? I know I really should do a consult. It is something I’m definitely considering. I’m trying to work out the logistics now. I’ve read Exorcism & Escape. Are their any other books geared toward getting passed the emotional thinking?
You need Zero Impact, this addresses what you are referring to.
I told myself, the only thing worse then being a narc is being codependent !
My narc and I bought a house we’ve been together since October … June 3 rd was closing not knowing that he was so twisted. I put down a large sum of money helped him move in he turned to me and suggested because we were arguing a lot mayb I should take my time in moving in !!! Begged him to work this out begged him to talk about it… all I got was arguing in circles over silly things. A week later found out he had been back with his ex since April. Asked her to put things behind them and got re engaged… two weeks after closing he tossed her and a week later brought his other girl he has been w since October and moved her into my house. Currently speaking w a therapist I am embarrassed how could this happen to me? I have been reading a lot and it started like all the blogs start w the lovebombing right down to no closure and tossed aside. I don’t know if I will ever recover my life’s savings. It’s all so surreal I wish everyone going through this … tons of love and hugs, breathe I know it’s the toughest thing to do. Thank you for reading ♥️
Welcome Lynn, keep reading and you will move forward.
Lynn, do you live in New Orleans by any chance?
Its extremely hard you will find that you have more strength then you recognize. Trust me this is possibly the hardest battle. One minute you feel rejected or like a fool to all who know you the next you find yourself missing him and feeling stupid about it then you find yourself wondering what if im wron what if id of hung in there emotional roller coaster
Thank you for being so open about narcissists. It helped me to understand why I felt like I was going crazy -literally. We have only been married 3 years with one child and he served me with an emergency subpoena with divorce papers 5 days before Christmas. Pisses me off that I didn’t see him for who he was because of the whole charming stage before we got married. I got so tired of being his slave, mother, servant, minion and just had a child..I just couldn’t keep up with who I was before the baby. So he discarded me. We started a business together which is now thriving and he cut me out of it and pushed me and my son out out of the house. Hes so obsessed with me not getting part of our family business that he broke it off now before it got any bigger. He has his whole family/friends believing the business comes first and it makes me sick. I wish he would show his true colors to them. I wish everyone knew what really happened. Hes trying to contact me again and being so sweet. It’s like make a decision. Be a man and take care of the family you created or move on. But I cant imagine going back having to do everything he tells me to do and being controlled and not heard. Everyone came before me and my sons needs. This is the second narrsassit I married. I hope I can see them a mile away next time.
You are welcome Laura.