Escape : How to Beat the Narcissist

 

The inside track from the dark-hearted master

Includes techniques to counter the narcissist where No Contact is not an option

US   E-Book Here

UK   E-Book Here

AUS   E-Book Here

CAN   E-Book Here

 

Also available in paperback

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152 Comments

  1. Omg. I have only read the preview of this so far and I am completely blown away. I respect you so much for putting your tactics to words from a narcissistic point of view. I’m sure you’ve done it for your own personal gain and not to help abused women but either way the information is priceless.i can not wait to read the full book and all your other books.
    I am going on three years of being separated from my abusive ex-husband of 15 years and 3 kids. I never wanted to believe he was abusive or that I was being abused. I truly believed he loved me and I truly loved him. I would have never left him if he wasn’t abusive to the kids as well. Getting away was extremely hard and I could not have done it without the support of my one good friend who stayed in touch through the years and my local domestic abuse shelter along with reading as much as I could. So far Lundy Bancroft who has worked with abusive men his whole career has been the only one to put to words exactly what they do and why they do it..hence the title of his book ‘why does he do that’. From what I have read of your book so far I know it will be just as insightful and useful as his books are and you can believe that when I find a paper copy I will buy multiple copies and continue to give them away to women I see struggling just like I was. Anyways…thank you for writing this.

  2. HG, After reading Sex and the Narcissist, I was finally able to understand Why I was still drawn to him physically, even though I had worked out that our relationship was a lie and I was being used. Thanks so much!

  3. CastOff2016, Thank you for the kind words. I’m inspired by all of the comments on here. I think that we can all find courage in our shared experiences. Everyday is a struggle for me, but I’m trying to arm myself with knowledge. I’m devouring HG’s books one by one. With each book, I gain the tools that I need to move towards healing. I look forward to walking with purpose as you stated and wish the same for you and everyone else on here.

  4. I have gone no contact for 3 months. definitely a parasitic kind of NPD. I do miss the good times looking back. He was love bombing me most of the time because we had broken up and gotten back together. So the last 6 months were mostly good. He was out of the house from the prior break up. I broke up with him again because I didn’t trust that he had changed. I thought he was just trying to be nice. Im ok but I had a dream last night that we got back together. I was so happy in the dream that I didn’t want to get up. Do you think my dream means I need to go back to him to be happy again?

    1. Tough one that Susan. Let me think.

      No.

      Your dream is not reality. It is your emotional thinking manifesting in a dream and conning you.

      Stay no contact. Well done on achieving three months.

  5. I was broken by my narc for 7 yrs without any awareness of NPD. Reading HG’s books and these comments have been anchors that have pulled me to shore, land, air, sanity. Thank you all so much. And remember, we are the victors. We know what love, compassion, kindness, empathy feels like; they don’t. That in itself deems us victorious.

    1. Faye, It’s a life long journey we’re taking. Each of us can recognise the blisters on each other’s feet, feel what caused them & know how they crippled us for a time. It’s time to heal now. One day soon,you’ll stand on firm ground & walk with purpose again.

  6. A 10 yr relationship with a living rubic cube. I realise now that he is a victim narcissist, in fact that is how our relationship began. He’d moved to a mediterranean island & discovered that the agent who provided the job had defrauded him. We spent 18 months fighting for justice & won. During those 18 months, i discovered he was a virgin at 33, had never kissed a woman either. He’d inherited a bone condition from his mother & had 13 operations & scars that left him with a limp & deep insecurities. As a result of the legal status, he was abandoned by his few ‘friends’, homeless, jobless & so we offered him a home, love,support, friendship & trust. The inevitable love bombing began, interspersed with only the smallest glimpse of the persona behind the mask; If his perspective was challenged he would retreat to his room for hours & then the apology “i’m new to this,i’m learning, it won’t happen again”. Intimacy came into play with difficulties, “i’m not very physical, i can’t help it”. I was patient, never adding pressure; Within 5 months he declared his love “the 1st time i’ve ever told anyone i love them”. We got engaged on the 501st day from our meeting. Our relationship ended 10 years to the day we got together because i discovered his real side: lack of intimacy with me but addiction to shemales, dominatrixes & dating sites hidden from me. Profiles declaring he is single, faithful, a Christian. Letters & money receipts he’d sent to one of those Russian/Ukranian sites where men pay to receive fake letters from photoshopped models. His declarations of love to an image (whom i traced on Russian equivalent of facebook & confronted, she acknowledged that she was merely paid by the agency for her photos & had no clue when he began writing to her & sending gifts). I discovered this 100 days before our wedding. I know it was 100 days because it was one of his deadline schemes: 100 days of me consenting to him massaging me every day, consenting to him buying me new clothes, living on his earnings only, 100 days of not looking in the mirror, following the exercise plan with him until the 100 days are up, i see the transformation & we leave to get married. This was written in a letter to which i had to agree or not. It followed a difficult year where i had been punished with 42 days of silence for daring to question a news item about the TTP agreement in the US. It followed weeks of silence & occasional fury because as executor of my Mother’s Will,i had found a buyer for the apartment & he had not been physically present when the buyer made the offer (although he knew she was coming & we both knew we had to sell to cover the joint loan on a business we’d started in 2008 which he found occasion at every turn to criticise how quickly it was developing & after 4 months(Mother’s visit) he moved out & went to Belgium). So, having sold the apartment, he’d found a temporary place for us both, & moved in Dec 2015. I stayed on a few days to settle all bills & to arrange for a headstone on my Mother’s grave. Imagine my shock when i discovered that the grave had been emptied & another person buried there; that’s what happens on this isle. He came to ‘comfort’ me. He left a spare mobile phone with Christian teachings on it (most of our stuff had been moved to our temporary home or donated to charity). When he left, he made some weird remark about women being the reason men turn to porn (he was the one who decided we should abstain from sex so that our wedding day would have more meaning since we were born again Christians). After he left,i turned on the phone, there was a shemale image downloaded the 1st night he’d moved. I sent a text telling him that we can defeat whatever troubles him together, that he’s not alone with his torments. From Jan -March 2016, i spent time locating my Mother’s remains, applying to court to have them released for burial etc & found a small temporary flat nearby the lawyers office, court etc (no car). Love bombing recommenced, “hurry up & move in, i hate being without you, our 100 day coutdown can begin & we can finally marry”. I moved mid february, i paid for wifi & finally had access to our joint email account. I discovered lots of emails in ‘trash’ “oh they’re junk spam don’t pay attention to them just delete them”. 2 days prior to Mum’s reburial, he asked if i could change the time because he wanted to take his driving test & didn’t want to take 2 lots of time off work. We had planned for him to read a few simple prayers at the re-burial, this was left to me to attend alone so he didn’t need to take time off work. 2 weeks later, I found emails addressed to ‘us’ from pornhub wanting to thank him for his custom. I looked at the account history, 5 years of intermittant porn use, i checked my diaries, they corresponded to the silent days, the engineered argument days. I asked him about this,he replied it’s between him & God, not my business. I asked why he would do this to us, to God? He shouted, “shut your mouth,go to your room”. I went to my ‘room’ & began collecting the few things in the flat “don’t do this, you’ll feel better in the morning & you’ll end up having to put everything back again” he said. For 70 days of silence, i prayed, i searched the internet for helpful videos about porn, about porn induced ED, about Christian help sites, testimonials of people who had overcome their addicitions. I wrote a long letter offering my love, my support. He replied briefly “it was only the once”. So i showed him the printout, all the sites & dates; His response “you have 2 months to get out”. I left before the deadline & he sent me a text ” hope you’ll find happiness”. Do i love him? Yes. Do i pray that God will heal his damaged heart? Yes. Do i now know that it was not my fault?Yes. Do i still bleed from his wounding? Yes. No victims can ever consider behaving this way towards another human being. Through this forum,we can begin to understand the mechanics the modus operandi, but it remains alien to our nature. The horrors we experience are surreal, almost beyond belief; They are like stones piled high on our souls, our hearts, our bodies. Personally i pity him; A terrible childhood morphed into a lonely adulthood, one that would be interspersed with few real human interactions. Online he can be charming, even his profile contains words, phrases borrowed from me. But there is no substance, hence his need to run away, begin again with people who don’t know him. The trouble is, wherever he goes, he takes himself with him, his own worst enemy is always with him.

  7. I’ve read all your books and they have helped but I did run back several times. The lonely feeling engulfs me and the addition physically makes me tremble. This time I did healing of childhood wounds which helped. He wants to go a narcissist specialist psychologist(famous and on line) who believes a Narc can change. He loves me so much he wants to do whatever is necessary. The psychologists fees are high. Why would he be willing to spend this kind of money when he is so cheap? I didn’t oblige. I don’t believe a Narcissist can change. I believe they can adapt and modify their behavior especially if a doctor is standing over them acting like a conscious.But once I was hooked in again or spend consistent time with him as in a vacation I woukld see the Mr Hyde. Am I on the right tract HG?

  8. You are hands down my favorite Narcissist on the planet and have to use Jedi Master skills to not fall madly in love with you. I don’t know if I would have made it out alive this last pitiful Discard without digesting your posts, YouTube videos, etc. I look forward to reading all your work now. Your sales skills are hands down the greatest part of you. You are like a Unicorn and my Obi One. You are the reason why one day soon, we will all elevate and kick some Awesome Ass by learning unconditional love, self respect and forgiveness. Many Blessings to you.

    1. Isn’t that just what they tell you to keep YOU hooked?? I too was told that I was “SPECIAL”…

  9. I beat my narcissistic husband by not letting him back in and the. When he threatened me I got an order of protection in place for two years. I’ve blocked him on all social media and in my phone as well as his family in my phone. He was in the discard process when I threw him out but hadn’t had his next victim lined completely up yet. Before that I would daily tell him he was a narcissist and bring to light everything he did and made his last few months very uncomfortable for him. I would even bust in the bathroom so he couldn’t watch his porn in peace!! I gave him no peace constantly letting him know I knew what he was and what he was doing. His silent treatments were welcomed cause at that time I was plotting too. Life is great now and your posts and videos have helped to me understand what he was way before and because of all the information I was able to dissect the problem and get rid of it. Thank you!!!

  10. Do you find that people buying your books and making you a crap ton of money as well as feeding your ego by thanking you constantly to be a tad bit narcissistic?

  11. I want to purchase your book, and also read it from kindle… some way I’m connected to his kindle , it says thanks “N” (his name) shoot I deleted the whole entire app quick!.. he sees what I’m reading when I’m on kindle
    It’s crazy to me because I feel I’m being watched although we are not together(relationship)
    H.G what happens through the mind when they know you know who they are

    1. It is only the Greater who would know that you know what he or she is (the Lesser or Mid-Ranger has no awareness and therefore would not accept that ‘you know’). The Greater use this knowledge to proceed in a more effective manner being alive to the risks posed by your awareness.

  12. I left a narc after 24 yrs of hell with him. I am so careful and mindful of red flags now. I have been single now for just over 5 yrs and I honestly would rather be alone then to ever deal with a narc again. I know I am still healing. I am so much happier without him…even our kids see that. Funny thing is he used to tell me I could never make it on my own…truth is he is the one who cannot make it on his own. He told our younger son he only needs a woman who makes 30-40k per yr…he must of been laughing all the way to the bank with me cause I make way more then that. I wonder if his current woman knows he told our son that…along with telling our son he will never marry her. I wonder how she would feel if she ever learns he is using her and does not love her…he just is not capable of loving anyone. I have seen him treat his own mother like dirt. I guess I should just be glad I don’t have to be his scapegoat anymore :-), and glad that our children see his true colours.

  13. Since learning about the narc and empath dynamic, I have not only disengaged from family who’ve sucked me dry, but after a recent blow up with my boss, identified that she is a severe narc, and a very dangerous one. ALL the hallmark signs and the gas-lighting, the crazed feeling even when I’ve been a confident person throughout my career, the drain and fatigue, the confusion and the horrific emotion that comes up in me only triggered by her at work. I have not felt suicidal in years and I felt it after coming home from work last night – BOOM!! This led me down the rabbit hole of “wtf just happened?” It’s because of this website and all the information I have been steeped in that I’m waking up and healing!! Ironically, my friend who is a therapist ends up being versed in this subject too. She told me, “you can tell her to go fuck herself and she’ll never fire you because you are supply for her!” Which in hindsight, she’s never fired anyone!! One year, the entire staff walked out on her and left her a scathing note. Her first husband left her for another woman. So much has happened, and she just gets back in the saddle NEVER CHANGING, NEVER FEELING A THING ABOUT IT. Everybody just quits! The good news is, I have the awareness and can learn how to protect myself. Also, there’s a new owner coming on the scene at my job! BLESS you HG …. you are rocking our world of awareness. Happy fantastic new year to you and everyone on this thread.

  14. My Boyfriends 17 year old daugter is a Narc borderline socio path, her mother is Narc and enabler of her devil daughter. My boyfriend is normal and has no clue how to deal with his daughter. Any advice on teen narcissism?

    1. Hello Donna, the considerations apply to her as they do to any narcissist thus the material is relevant. What one has to have regard to is dealing with her in the context of the relationship between your boyfriend and her. Thus I suspect you cannot escape her and you may have difficulties in getting your boyfriend to understand what she is. However, I would recommend educating him before you try to tackle her, because if you do not do so, you risk alienating him as well. You need his understanding and support.

  15. I truly believe my narc has a split personality. I just can’t wrap my head around why he can’t let me go

    1. Because no one else will put up with him! Not to take away from you at all, thats just how they are!

  16. My 31 yr old daughter is dating a narcissist for 4 years. She has no idea & isn’t speaking to me now because I said I didn’t like him. How should I broach the subject so that she starts to look up more information?

    1. Hello Karen. It never works if you try to tell her what to do, she will resent that. She needs to discover it for herself. Sometimes this only happens after the horror of the entanglement comes to light. It seems to me that you need to start speaking to one another first in order to then build a platform from which you can introduce your concerns. If you start trying to tell her that he is a narcissist, she will reject it as most people do not understand what it means. Instead, it is better to draw parallels between some of his behaviours so that she sees why they are being used. She may actually be puzzled as to why he does certain things and if you can shed light on that without saying he does it because he is a narcissist, but rather explain he does it to control, or to gain a reaction, she is more likely to grasp it and then you can direct her towards some material which explains it in greater depth. Focus on establishing contact again and then talk about the behaviours rather than narcissism per se.

  17. My parents are both narcissists and I’ve been a narc magnet! Im now 57 and am a year out of the last relationship, long distance, thank goodness!
    I am well off, he is anything but…it was like watching a snake uncoil from a basket! Fascinating and amusing to watch…..I watched him until i grew too bored. I hope he was the last narc I choose to deal with!

      1. That was one big reason. Plus of course he didn’t know me, he thought I was malleable and gullible. So a good source of fuel! It was quite fascinating watching the show…the grooming, the attempted manipulations etc.
        I think he is a Lesser, really quite stupid.

  18. I have been with one for 15yrs and I didn’t realize there was even a word for it. But now I’ve begun to lose my mind over his torture. I knew 10 yrs ago when we would go to bed id feel the bed shake. And I was poppin pain pills real bad back then, and id ask him what was up n he’d tell me I’m jus messed up on those pills I was delusional…and now 10yrs later it more often, and I now he’s having some kind of sex w himself. And he wont admit it and get help, he lies to me n tells me I’m delusional….he makes a big scene in front of his family so now they question my honesty. See he’s in 3stage of serosis of liver so his family baby him cuz he’s sick. They believe him that I am so high I think he’s jack in off all time. As a survivor of my father sexually,mentally,physically,verbally abusing me it cuts me to the bone that he would disrespect me so much to have me believing im the messed up one, and him get away with it is even worse..our neighbors and ppl that live around us I believe hate me cuz they think I’m intentionally trying to hurt him. Cuz he yells and airs our arguments hoping ill shut up I guess. But I want to leave this and im waiting on my social security decision and until then I am mentally breaking dwn. I think ppl are laughing at me all the time outside our trl. I’m not a paranoid person but mabe I’m having a nervous breakdown. And death will come upon me if I don’t leave this situation. I want out w sanity . Do you have anything for helpful tools to keep my sanity till I cn leave him.

    1. If you have concerns about your health, mental or physical, see your doctor.
      In terms of tools, you should arm yourself with knowledge Kimberly and in your situation you should be aware of why is he behaving as he does, the reason behind and the manipulations he uses, how you can counter them whilst still being there and also to plan for your escape. To that end I suggest you read at least Fuel, Manipulated, Escape and Departure Imminent. Also make use of reading this blog, commenting on your situation and interacting with the other commenters here. I offer you the insight, they can offer you support from their perspectives. They are a sensible and articulate group.

  19. I need advice for my twins daughters aged 20, on how to deal with their father, who is an abusive narcissist,

    1. They need to understand it will always be about dad. I would recommend counseling. I dont think they or anyone else dealing with a narcissist will ever be able to do enough to please one. Unless the focus is always on the narcissist . They need to feel they are the most important thing in everything.

  20. Hello HG! I appreciate your work very much..
    I keep reading the posts but can’t find a situation like mine. The person I know as a narcissist is married, and we were never sexually involved, but found myself in this relationship like situation for the past 2 years. With the golden period, devalued, discarded and now in the Hoover stage again. We spent a lot of time together getting really close, then he moved away. He would always say that he doesn’t want me to get him out of my mind among other things. The ever presence is real, and him being married worked as a shield for him. Nonetheless, I was an excellent source of fuel, self admitted. Ha! Can you help out with what his intent might be? Since clearly Sex is not it. 😄 Thank you

    1. Hello YAMS, thank you for your kind comment. His intent is fuel. See the book by the same name if you have not already done so. Sex is only a means to obtaining fuel. If he was gaining fuel in other ways, he evidently felt no need to engage in sex. He may also have been a Victim Narcissist as sex is less of an issue for them (this is expanded on in Sitting Target as well as Sex and the Narcissist).

  21. I was taken for $10,000.00 . I literally took care of him for one year. He likes educated, Intelligent , attractive women. I guess I wasn’t too intelligent though to let him have all that money. I actually saw him do his work on the internet seeking women out that he considered “classy” as he called them. I left after a year because I was tired of being blamed for everything HE was doing. I confronted him about everything and he lied about all of it. Said he had always been honest and straightforward with me and he thought that may be MY problem. LOL
    I didn’t see him for a year and started talking to him again in April. Same old things. I told him he was still a sick F _ _ _ and that was it. He doesn’t like being called “names” lol. Even though he told me i was fucked in the head and took a little bit of info ( that he fed into my head) and then ran away with it and came up with Bazaar things.
    What I want to know and it has always baffled me is why is being friends after we split so important to him? He always gets in touch and says he doesn’t like to end this way and he wants us to remain friends. Really pushes for being friends and says he is still friends with a lot of his Ex’s. That means 1. The others all got out with no looking back.
    He is not one to hoover though. Once you challenge him and continuously put the blame back on him he wont talk to me again. We went a year with only a couple words. He punishes like that. SO tell me about the “friends” thing?

    1. Hello Monica, you were an intimate partner primary source. Now you are an ex intimate partner secondary source as an outer circle friend. You still are a decent fuel source to him. This is why he does keep coming back. He uses the friend approach to make it sound like he is being pleasant to you and that he values you. It is all a ruse. You are not in reality his friend of course, you are an appliance which supplies fuel. He backs off when you don’t provide the fuel he requires and/or wound him, but he will circle back to you because of the lure of your fuel and when you enter one of his spheres of influence.

  22. Does this book make reference to the difference between cerebral and somatic narcissists?

    1. No, it is applicable to both those cadre of narcissist. Sitting Target addresses more about the differences between the two types Kathleen and look out for forthcoming books on each cadre of narcissist.

  23. HG, Thank you for your writing. While I know that my last relationship was with an elite I was unsure about my ex husband, I know have so much more understanding of him due to your writing. I didn’t see his real dark side until our separation. After wasting years on these men and my last boyfriend and the ex husband trying to totally destroy me I feel I have changed a lot but really apprehensive about dipping my toe in the pond again and having another relationship in case I end up with another psychopath! I have read a lot of your work and I have a good understanding but I know that sometimes by the time you see these people for what they are you are in deep! Can you recommend the best books for me to read to be able to detect and flush out the narcissist please?

    1. Hello Paula, thank you for your message. You clearly have learned much from your experience and naturally want to wear some armour when entering the fray once again. I would recommend that you read Red Flag, Black Flag, Mouth of a Narcissist, Sitting Target and the Devil’s Toolkit to start you off in respect of understanding what our kind want, how we go about it and how you can spot it.

      1. I have just finished reading red flag and with my last relationship nearly every red flag was there from the very beginning, including the foreshadowing in the very early days. I actually feel like I am reading stuff that makes sense at last, Thank you

      2. Dearest HG, I would love to know your recommended reading list for me – &/or if there is a chronological list (so as not to miss anything)
        Thank you…

        1. There is a chronological list for the confessions series and alliterative titles (and A Delinquent Mind) by date of publication which you will find on Amazon. With regard to the other publications, it depends on where you are with your entanglement. Are you entangled? Post-escape? Post disengagement?

      3. Ahh HG..
        where am I in my entanglement if, according to your insightful analysis, I believe I am currently on the shelf… shelf IPSS… although I would love to be able to consider myself an escapee…

      4. And now they’re all mine!
        ..though something tells me this is just the beginning…

        The intro to Evil made me incredibly sad…

        Thank you for your insight.. guidance… indeed.. the “eloquent drops of poison” as an antidote and building a resistance to the poison to hopefully survive and walk away from a lethal dose for the uninitiated..

        ..avec mon amour, HG..

  24. It’s so hard sharing kids when the mother is a narc. I’m the step mom raising them and playing mom ,but she portrays mom of the year on facebook and shows up at public functions like a boss and embarrasses all of us including the kids. She’s always coming at us with something. The kids hate going there but the court papers say we have to send them every other weekend. But she doesn’t show them love. She just tries to control them. She’s stolen items from our property, filed for temporary custody and won bc she lied and told the judge the kids were in danger so we had to have an emergency hearing to hurry and get them back. She has a meltdown and does something crazy every time we go out of town. She’s left letters and stuff in our mailbox. I don’t even speak to her or feed it. I don’t respond period bc if your nice she feeds off of it. If your a b*tch she really feeds off that. What do I do? So tired of the constant surprises and harassment.. :(

    1. Hello Kd, you have two significant advantages. The first is you know what she is (I assume your husband does as well?) and the second is that you understand that being nice or bitchy provides her with fuel. Did you work this out yourself? How long have you not been feeding her fuel for? How does your husband deal with this behaviours? Does he adopt your stance too or not?

      1. I stopped speaking before he did but it’s to the point now, if we have to communicate, we only send through email. If she text and it’s something that has to be responded to, we screenshot the text and attach the respond with email. I figure that way, it’s less personal. Her mother is exactly like her so we have had a hard time with her too because she’s always tried to play buddies with us and then put her daughter up to doing crap but trying to play our hero and save the day if that makes sense feeding herself on top of this. I picked up on the different personalities coming from these people and had to educate him a little be he lived in it 10 years so he was just used to all the lies and manipulation. I just started researching the personality traits. We got together in August of 2014 and lived in the same area where stalking and drive bys were convenient. We finally moved 45 minutes away to be by my family and break away around March of this year. It’s caused tremendous narcissistic injury however and she’s tried to make sure there was hell to pay.

      2. Did my respond to yourjuly 30 1:59 pm not submit? I can’t find it lol! I had attempted to answer your questions

  25. 20 yrs with mine sharing custody of kids. Trying to cut ties but I never can do anything right. It’s been a year I’m still a horrible mom, person, and he said he will never accept me moving on. Trying to be amicable with this kind of person is very hard nothing I do will ever be ok because I made him leave, even though he was abusive mentally physically and wouldn’t work. I’m afraid he will never allow me to be happy.

  26. They are as evil as they come. And in time i will sit back and watch him go under. I have dealt with him for 20 yrs. He has been baker acted numerous times, arrested, jailed and injuctions. He was gone for 5 yrs and game back after me. His weapon this time, is a bias evil judge in Fl. I hold her respinsible for what is now being done to me and my kids. I will see her career destroyed. Never ever underestimate a narcissist. Do not trust in the family court system or attorneys. Play the game very carefully.

  27. Let me start out by saying thank you so much! that was brilliant! Everything you’re doing is just life saving. you admit what so many of us know but can’t prove… I hate to come on here and not be able to buy your books I obviously would! However I got myself in this mess for 8 years now and just had a baby 4 months ago. He gets his fuel by withholding everything but gaining himself so .. it’s world war 3 to even ask for a couple of dollars for gas to get the baby to a dr. Appointment. He makes good money obviously. Anyways I appreciate your blogs I learn so much from and I’ve shared this to my fb page in attempt to raise more awareness and refer others to you. On a side note I’m sure I reek of codependent but I’m being honest and you know I can’t help it. Keep up the good work! :)

    1. Hello Gabrielle and you are most welcome, thank you for your kind words. Yes the economic stranglehold he has you in is a repeated manipulation that we utilise. I will be writing more about that very topic in Filthy Lucre which is about a quarter completed. I appreciate it will be difficult to access the books given such a financial position, especially given they are electronic, but a number of them are now available as paperbacks which may make it easier for someone else to get you a copy to assist you.
      I would just make a correction in what you wrote Gabrielle, you didn’t get yourself in the mess, you were targeted and chosen. Of course we want you to think it is your fault and that you succumbed to this, that is how we operate, but take it from the one who knows, none of this is your fault. Thanks for reading and do continue to do so.

  28. Can I ask… is one of your manipulation tools body language. I was on a date and everything was going really good. He was laughing joking engaging. but I felt like he was watching I was mirroring instinctively to what he was doing. then I became aware of his watching and I stopped. I realised i was copying his movements . i thought we had a good connection, he thought not. can you tell from this if someone is going to be easy to manipulate or not???

    1. We analyse your body language for the purposes of manipulating you. I touch on this in Manipulated (oddly enough) and Sitting Target. Your mirroring of him is a sub-conscious act to show to him that you are interested. The mirroring we engage in is a deliberate act to pretend we are interested in you for the purposes of seducing you.

  29. Let me know when it’s ready, I’ve read all your other books. I spot red flags straight away now and walk away.

      1. I have read that one it didn’t say how it ended with Karen. only that you may tell us as she was special

      2. What do I do? Was with mine for 17 yrs, 4 children. We split two years ago and he’s been worse than ever and hurt me so many more times. I hate myself so much because I love him so much and am broken inside. I hate him at the same time to the point all I want to do is repeatedly hit him and cry so hard. All I do is cry I’m a mess. I have to see him every other weekend when he has the kids and that’s only just started as a regular thing, he doesn’t help me financially, I work 40hrs a week. I know he’s the worst thing for me but I can’t get over not growing old with him or why he’s done what he’s done. He still controls me, I’m the worst mum etc, I feel so worthless, lonely and tired. How do I stop loving him and start loving myself?

        1. There is a clear route through this. I recommend you engage in a consultation so the full extent of the information can be conveyed to you.

  30. Would love this book, but after his ass drained my entire WORLD, I can’t even think about spending a penny. Its so unfair how the innocent hard working single mothers are prey to this kind of behavior….when all we were ever ever looking for was to be lived and protected. So sad…so very very sad. :(

    1. Yes you are prey to this type of behaviour because of the various traits which you have that stand out like a beacon. I appreciate you no doubt are facing financial difficulties following your entanglement but one might suggest can you afford not to read this book?

    1. Our universe operates as a duality. If there is no good, no evil. Balances the universe. I hope this made sense . . . .

  31. 27 years I have spent with this type … 16 with the first… 11 with the second. Think these books may enlighten me … I realized recently that these people reflect how I feel about myself… Wasn’t a pleasant awakening but truth. If I am ever going to escape this I have to heal me and love me . It is the only way IMHO. People do not let others harm what they love.

    1. Your last sentence hit me like an avalanche. I’m a tremendous protector of my loved ones, but I have let myself get inhielated. I must learn to love myself. Wow! That sounds easy but it is not! Thanks for the epiphany!

  32. Agree with all the advice but how can you approach when you cannot sever all contact. ie you left but have a child

    The toxicity is now worse I find.

      1. in more cofessions of a narcissist you said you may tell us how it ended with Karen. you could of been writing this about me. Have you revealed how it ended?

  33. I have read 2 of your books and thru have really helped. They helped me to understand what was going on with myself more than anything. I thought I was going mad. I did get onto things when I was with him I felt the pulling away from intimacy I don’t know if he knows what he is as he knows he’s screwed up. He said I was getting into his head no one had done anything like that before. I don’t know if that was lies either. In your book manipulation the silence and the blank page made my heart sink and my stomach turn. Its been nearly a year since I’ve seen him. It’s been a few months since I last contacted him as you pointed out I wanted to help him I wanted answers and to know why I had been left feeling like this. I know why now from your books. do you think he will come back ? I know he’s moved on for now sometimes I’m scared of him coming back and other times I want him to.

    1. He will come back if you let him. You need to remain out of his sphere of influence. To understand how he may look to come back read Black Hole : The Narcissistic Hoover and No Contact. Keep reminding yourself why you need to remain away from him, just re-read these blog articles and talk to the people here as well as reading the books. Keep fuelling your knowledge and not him.

      1. This will be my next read. Having initiated my no contact AFTER reading “No Contact: How to Beat the Narcissist”- I am off to a rocky start! The Ex Narc just left my house. I was calm and flat… recognized the attempt at gaslighting. I did say that he was not welcome. Which one of your books addresses how to regroup after the Empath fucks up and the fury is increased?

        1. Fuel and Black Hole address what he will be after and what is likely to happen next and what can you do, alongside reading Escape.

      2. What if you have kids with him. I have one child with mine. She’s 5 now. I left him when she was only 16 months old. We have shared custody. I literally only text him when it’s something important like for school or pickups, etc. I try to have the most minimal contact as possible. When he accuses me of things which still happens on a rare occasion over text, I try to completely ignore it and not defend myself, etc. Am I doing this right? The most limited contact I possibly can have since we have a child together.

        1. Hi Tiffany, you are approaching it in the correct way. Keep an eye out for a forthcoming blog article called “Save the Children” you will find it of interest.

    2. Karen, that sounds so familiar, I was told the same stuff to, even his friend told me he met his match with me, so much love bombing hooked me then discarded me numerous times !!! Thankgod I have a strong character – He’s now moved on to a woman ten years older than both of us !!! A cougar – He’s always mean I’ve tried being nice, wanting to be adult like but he ignores me, then I catch him eyeing me up whilst he’s in this new relationship !!!
      I’ve taken him back before but it’d different this time, he’s toxic both a drug and poison to my system and uses me, for his pleasure !!!! I’ve started reading up on his condition and he’s it to a T!!! I remember him telling me his exs were nuts and one tried to kill herself, I was told I’d never see the horrible side of him !!! All lies, the only thing right about them is that they are a CONTRADICTION!!!!! Words and body language never marry up !!!!
      I think to him I was merely used for my body after all each of us have a separate use were like the shopping shelve all different each with different supply !!!
      Work out what he uses you for, your know if you analysis it enough !!!
      Just feel sorry for the poor souls there with now !!!!!!!!! They haven’t a clue what’s happening or what’s going to happen !!! I know his pattern and am already expecting her to receive his toxic side very soon !!! Stay strong x

      1. I feel sorry for the girl he is with now she seems younger than him. I pray every night that she gets rid of him. I pray for her sanity too. I don’t understand how he thought I was getting into his head though. I got on to something wasn’t right in the first week I asked him what he was hiding. He told me his ex had been abusing him he went on about gays so much I thought he was then he would say he’s shy he’s not highly sexed but none of it matched his actions. i thought i had forgotten how to kiss and it wasnt me its because he has no passion that closed mouth kiss is the worst and i tried my best and got called names. only from reading these books I know what he was doing. The silence is the worst I tore myself apart going over every look glare over the top reaction. I used to get butterflies to the point where they would hurt like my insides were twisting and turning. I know now that was a warning too. All my friends thought he was lovely coz he did nice things but in the middle of the nice things was something nasty happening the looks making me feel like I was invisible the lies. I would listen to them and think there was something wrong with me. I feel sorry for him he doesn’t know what happiness feels like he only knows what it looks like. He doesn’t know what love feels like only hoe it should look that breaks my heart. I can now see him for the gargoyle that he is. I’m teaching my daughter about these kinds of people she is more of an empathy than me and I don’t want her to lose that I just want her to have impenetrable boundaries. reading all these comments really help.