Fighting Back
I have been giving you an insight into my ways and wiles as I detail to you the things that I say and the moves that I make. I have, largely, refrained from offering you any advice as to how you might combat my machinations. Part of that arises from my high-handed view (not my words I hasten to add) that there is nothing you can do to try to nullify what I do. In part it is also because I am saving the wisdom of how to tackle me for a later time. In the meanwhile let me give you an example of how fighting back gets you nowhere.
I have told you how rolling out the silent treatment is one of my most effective tactics. it requires very little effort from me, is devastating in its impact and has you subjected to my manipulation very easily. I would deploy the silent treatment with Kate but she decided to counter it. Of course, she did not do so immediately. She was not that clever. No, instead it took her a period of time before she realised how I was using the silent treatment to make her feel guilty and exert control over her. She fell into the trap of repeatedly asking what was wrong and then engaging in self-analysis and ultimately humiliating self-blame. I am not sure where it came from but she suddenly changed tack. I suspect it was a new friend she had made who had something of the hippy about her and enjoyed helping people heal and so on. I always knew when she had been in the house as there was a new crystal on the sideboard (which I would throw away) and the smell of some odd fragrance which she had been spraying around. Anyway, this person’s involvement certainly marked a change in Kate’s own behaviour. I would say nothing and give her a cold glare. Rather than ask what was the matter, she would smile and say,
“I don’t know what is wrong with you but I know I am alright so I am going to leave you be until you decide to come out of your silent sulking.”
I was taken aback by this but decided that she would not be able to keep this up. Her desire to help and care would soon overwhelm her resolve. I gave her a week of silence and I was surprised that she had the audacity to mirror what I was doing. Not one telephone call, text or personal appearance. Then after a week a message arrived on my mobile phone.
‘I love you and care about you. I am here for when you want to speak again. In the meanwhile I will remain busy with my other interests.’
I was intrigued. Could she keep it up? I gave it another week and so did she. We had now passed the longest silence previously (11 days in the case of Kate if you were wondering).
Another week went by and whilst I was content to maintain this silence I was become annoyed and irritated by her ability to duplicate it. She was not giving me any attention. It clearly was no longer working. I decided to change approach and instead went out that night and picked up a girl in a local bar. She was called Stephanie. I applied a Relationship Broadcast and posted several pictures of her and me on Facebook and twitter. I knew Kate would be watching my feed and posts even though she was not in contact with me.
The following morning Kate was at my door knocking on it and asking to see me and giving me the attention I needed and deserved. I knew I would get to her in the end.
You may work out one way of tackling my behaviour but I have a vast armoury at my disposal.
I always win.
23 thoughts on “Fighting Back”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
Silent treatment has never worked on me. The first time, when he tried use it I didn’t give him any attention. He wrote to me after a few days and tried to arouse pity. I pretended nothing happended and he got very angry. He didn’t expect that. After half a year he became boring for me and I felt neglected I fell in love with a boy, who I met when N didn’t have time again. I kept the relationship with narc from addiction but I have another love on the side. After a year, when N tried silent treatment the last time during devaluation I left. Probably he had someone instead of me because he guessed he wasn’t the only one. I didn’t try lie reliably, he met him before and I didn’t hide that I like him since I wanted to punish him.
If I was Kate I would not come back. If he prefered spending time with another girl than spending time with me I would not come back.
Have you ever been with someone who has called you out on all your shit? Knew exactly what you were doing and nailed you to the wall calling you out on it?
Many times they have challenged me because of the way they are treated but they do not know what I am and therefore it gets them nowhere.
The only one who truly knew pointed it out in a non-judgemental manner and placed me on the path towards greater awareness.
”you always win” because you have half assed neurotypical opponents who play the game instead of being the game.
Well yes, they assume that their view of the world is the only one or the only valid one whereas I am repeatedly pointing out that if people considered our point of view (you don’t have to accept it) you would understand a whole lot more why we are as we are and why we do as we do.
that is true, the great majority of neurotypicals are incapable of accepting multiple viewpoints or ways of living.
malignnarc Sorry I couldn’t reply to your last post this one …….. “Thanks for sharing that So Sad, but I think you need to change your nom de plume to So I Seized the Power ! You certainly seemed to have done so. Have you ever felt your NC power waver at all over the eleven months?” ….
Hahah great suggestion for a new nom de plume !!
Did I feel my NC waver ? Oh yes a million times over , and more, to the point that sometimes I literally had to sit on my hands or walk away from my PC … Not that I ever wanted the narc back but purely because he’s painted me as the evil psychotic ex bitch to all of his minions who care to listen and believe such has been his smear campaign BUT NC also gave me the POWER to say I don’t need controlling scum like him in my life anymore without typing a single word . Genius isn’t it !!
Interesting. Technology really has proved a marvellous conduit for the delivery of our manipulative machinations. Life must have been harder as a narc pre-Internet. Did his smear campaign infect any of your friends and family?
Thanks again for replying malignnarc. Very true .
He tried to destroy my family and my reputation at the same time by posting on a very well know internet forum I used which he was ( may still be ) stalking me on. It hurt me to the core at the time because I’d done absolutely nothing to warrant such venom other than send him a clear message with NC that he wasn’t ever coming back into my life . by that time his new target was reading the forum and he used the very same post to continue love bombing her by saying she was the love of his life a double wammy there for him or so he thought BUT I still didn’t react because that’s what he wanted . FAILED AGAIN , as he always will .
My ex was a big believer in the silent treatment too.
I punished him for it 🙂
You know how you hate to be criticized? I saw through his insecurities. I saw that image he dreads seeing in the mirror. The empty, scared monster with a million flaws.
I used to love rubbing his face in that image. It was adorable how the narcissistic rage would spring up and he would do everything to deflect, from other women to pity plays.
It didn’t work.
I’d laugh and tell him exactly what he was doing and include a little bit of the ugly “uber truth” in there, for good measure.
There is nothing he hated more than my unwavering, logical “deconstruction”.
I used to call him my passive-aggressive bitch, remind him I’m laughing AT him, not with him and how pathetic his tactics were.
When he tried to give me the silent treatment, then grace me with his presence after a week, fortnight, month… I would calmly remind him that now he needed to make it worthwhile for me to talk to him, since his cowardly bullshit has set us back to square one.
Now that really annoyed him. It was the equivalent of a kick to the balls for his sense of entitlement.
Yet he keeps coming back, professing his love and trying all the same tricks to get me to be nice to him.
Fun times.
Dear @malignnarc
I dont keep anger to you kind. How could I. A family memeber of mine who was part of my heart was one. And he died feeling very lonely although he was far from being alone… Have you read Sam Vaknin where he explains how narcs punish themselves and trigger abandonent….
Hello malignnarc,
Interesting point. Silent treatment is a killer but eventually we learn to play you at your own game & use it to annoy and provoke you, just as Kate did. It might take us some time to fully understand the concept but when we do, we know how much it irks you, as you say you need fuel & when you don’t get that from us as you didn’t with Kate you HAVE to find other ways ..When the ” relationship” get’s to this point we already know it’s going nowhere but cling on to the hope that things will somehow change , they never do of course . Our greatest weapon is is to cut off your fuel with full No Contact .. No denying it’s difficult but put us back in the driving seat IMH how could we do this to you what a dent to that ego . off you go , find the new supply if you haven’t already . Love bomb her , mirror her , tell her we are the Bi Polar ex with mental health issues , she’ll believe you, of course she will , & for time you’ll have another supply but like the rest of us you’ll get bored eventually or if she can see through you dump you and move on, until one day you’ll look in the mirror , your looks will be gone you body old & you’ll be a sad lonely old man whereas we my friend move on and sail off into the sunset only this time we are the ones not looking back 🙂
( Great blog btw )
Hello So Sad, apologies for the delay in replying to your post and thank you for contributing. Yes, you are correct about the way it annoys and provokes us and also how no contact is your greatest weapon. It drives a stake through our blackened hearts, there is no doubt about that and we must seek out a fresh victim (who we will have had lined up already). How long have you maintained no contact for? What attempts did the narc in your life make to try and establish contact again? Thanks for suggesting I will be a sad and lonely old man but that is not going to happen. I have plenty of contingencies to tackle that and plenty of people who will facilitate me. Glad you enjoy the blog and I look forward to your further contributions.
Thanks for your reply malignnarc. I’ve stayed full No Contact for 11 months despite his efforts to triangulate me with his new relationship .. Yes she was lined up long before I found out about her earlier this year .. both of them have been trying to provoke a reaction from me for the best part of the eleven months without success I might add , I actually find it quite amusing that they both go to great lengths online to tell the whole world how much in ” Love ” they are yet the center of the attention is on me . I’ve been called a whore & threatened by a woman I’ve never met or spoken to in my life such is his influence over her but you’ll know that already 🙂 As for him and his new target they mean nothing to me . One day it will all come crashing down for them both,
Ive already sailed off into the sunset to a new narc free HAPPY life .,while he will be continuously looking over his shoulder wondering if I’ll ever break my silence and provide all the evidence I need to show the world what kind of evil, lying , abusive bas**rd he really is . My only regret is that I didn’t get out of it sooner . 🙂
Thanks for sharing that So Sad, but I think you need to change your nom de plume to So I Seized the Power ! You certainly seemed to have done so. Have you ever felt your NC power waver at all over the eleven months?
I guess it hurts in a way both sides… The narc also. Im pretty sure….
Not true: you loose when we apply ‘no contact’ in its truest form and totally detach – physically, emotionally, mentally, and with our psyches.
It’s not for the faint-hearted though. It’s the most difficult challenge I ever managed (and I am including giving birth and accompanying a person into death here.)
Hello malignnarc. No we no longer desire or need to love you or your type because we have found that you are nothing inside or out. So poof you are gone and are replaced by family, friends & better days. Gosh my narc was even replaced by a dog. A dog is so much better than the pain he caused. Deal with it you are dead to us.
“But you do need to be loved and feel that your love is having an effect. That is your fuel.” This is very very true…
And yes we fall into pieced without you guya but somewhen the recovery comes 🙂 and we set up boundaries and find a loving person and were back up on both feet . Difficult but doable 🙂
No, you don’t always win. You only have the upper hand so long as we think we love you. The moment we think otherwise, you lose. We don’t need narcissistic supply, you do. We don’t depend on manipulating others to make ourselves feel good, powerful, fulfilled, etc. We stand on our own. You need others to keep you up. You are the weakest of all.
Hello jeujeu and thank you for your post. Please accept my apology for the delay in replying.
I am interested in your comment “so long as we think we love you” do you take the view you only thought you were in love with my kind? In my experience you are very much in love with us, that’s why you end up such a mess later on.
I agree,you do not need my type of fuel but you do need to be loved and feel that your love is having an effect. That is your fuel. That is why you go to such lengths to achieve it and end up hurting yourself and annoying me.
You don’t stand on your own, you fall to pieces without us. I have witnessed it many times.
Actually, healthy people don’t need to be loved. They enjoy it, but they can be comfortable without it for extended periods, in a way narcissists could never be comfortable without their fuel. Part of the success of many narcissists is that they seek out unhealthy people to begin with — you call them empaths and claim that they’re strong before you destroy them, but it’s not true. Truly strong people, if you can charm them at all, only stay around until you start treating them badly. They understand that, while they love to help others, there are plenty of people they can help who will treat them well in return, and that if it takes them a while to find the right one, they can thrive alone in the meantime. They don’t need you.