Why Must it Hurt?
By now you all know that I am driven by the hunger that rages within me as I must seek out fuel to feed the beast. To begin with, my fuel comes from the compliments and admiration you send my way during our golden period. Yes, that blissful, wonderful time when everything tastes better, smells more fragrant, looks brighter and sounds sharper. I was asked why can I not contain my need for fuel to receiving admiration and plaudits? Why must I embark on such a destructive course which brings mayhem to everyone around me. Why must it hurt so much? A fair question.
In my case, there are two reasons for this. The first brings forth that old adage of familiarity breeds contempt. Imagine that strawberry is your favourite flavour of ice-cream. I bring you a large strawberry ice cream in a sugar cone. You take a lick and it is delicious. So fresh tasting, so creamy and there are even little pieces of strawberry contained inside of it. It simply is the most sumptuous ice cream you have ever introduced to your taste buds. These strawberries have been grown in God’s garden, tended to by angels and grown with the purest water, the most fertile soil and vibrant sunshine. The milk has been taken from cows which graze on nothing but the most verdant grass, free from pollution and contamination. In fact, every ingredient that has been used in the creation of this magnificent iced confection is the best and perfect. Not only that, it has been crafted by the Supreme High Creator of Gelatos. I bring you a second one. Why not? This is an ice cream fit for champions. You eat this second one but by now you are feeling full. I bring a third, the taste is still great but not as good. Now I give you the good news that you are eating strawberry ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner and nothing else. Soon, the amazing taste of the ice cream no longer brings you pleasure. In fact, you start to dread the sight of the ice cream as it is brought to you and then it makes you angry that you have to eat it. You are sick of it now, it has lost its allure.
This is what happens to me. It always happens. Since I am wired to seek out instant gratification, even the most wonderful sensations soon pale to me. I am not built for the long-term, I have no desire for longevity. If it was me eating the ice cream, I need to go and seek out mint choc chip or even vanilla or perhaps a juicy steak instead. I need something different in order to give me that hit. Why not then just leave the strawberry ice cream along and seek out that new taste sensation, why do I have to subject the ice cream to a campaign of savage and nasty behaviour. One reason is that since I have invested so much energy in securing all that strawberry ice cream I am not going to let it go. I need to treat it differently and thus generate a break from its taste. With you, I need to have a break from the now stale praise and admiration you provide to me. It just does not do it for me. Similarly, I have invested energy in ensnaring you and I do not want to let you go. I have to treat you differently to change the dynamic. I need to keep you around so I embark on a confusing campaign that means you cling tighter to me. I will of course be seeking out new admiration from new sources. There are so many flavours for me to taste. You were once shiny and new. Not any longer. Someone else is shinier and newer.
I will return to you, like I will return to the strawberry ice cream. I have forgotten how it sickened me so I will eat it again and wow, it tastes good. Similarly, I will grant you a short return to the golden period. You lavish me with praise and love borne out of relief and I enjoy it. The law of diminishing returns applies however and soon I tire of your admiration as I tire of the strawberry ice cream and once again I must take a break from it, whilst never actually severing ties with you or giving away the ice cream. Back and forth I will go, occasionally being good to you to receive your admiration as I occasionally have a scoop of the strawberry ice cream. Thus this familiarity and unwillingness to let you go means that I have to treat you badly in order to resurrect the positive fuel on an infrequent basis whilst drawing on the negative fuel to provide the contrast.
I mentioned two reasons. The second reason arises from occasional glimpses of reality. For the most part we dwell in our false construct that we have dragged you into. You may achieve something or a colleague may secure a new contract or we notice a friend purchase a flash, new car. This provides us with a painful reminder of our own limitations and our hatred of the limelight being moved elsewhere, however temporary. In such a case we have to lash out. We must denigrate, despise and demean in order to create that contrast again, we make you look bad and we look good. By putting you down, or the friend or the colleague we feel powerful and in control again. The horrible sensation vanishes. On these occasions, envy and fear drives us to be horrible to you. We have to do it to make ourselves look superior in comparison.
In both instances we need to provide a contrast in order to maintain our fuel. Thus, all cannot be rosy in the garden, we need to spray the weed killer over the flowers you have grown to ensure we receive the fuel that is our primary aim in life.
174 thoughts on “Why Must it Hurt?”
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Thanks a lot Mr Tudor. This article has helped me understand why your kind behave like they behave. Very easy to understand.
You are welcome Kasia, this is THE place to gain understanding.
Totally. Absolutely. I shared your YT channel to someone I knew via FB. It is never too late to start reading your work and applying it. xxx (thank you).
HG, would it help if people tried to restrain from commenting here in the blog (at least those that are not in real need to) for let’s say a week so you can catch up with writing and all the other issues you need to deal with?
That is kind of you to make the suggestion Lou, I shall catch up. I have more time available next week.
Oh, I meant refrain, not restrain.
Lou,
Restrain is the correct word as it applies to me at times. Hold me back! Hold down my thumbs! Ha ha.
Hello Lou
I agree. I am making an effort to comment less and read more.
Hi K! I am also trying to comment less to give HG less work. I think it is important to keep that in mind for the moment.
Thank you Clarence, I think you and me both see the same things. There is a marked difference.
(However just to clarify… I’m not saying that to jab or rile up HG. And yes he DOES have much very much more going on now. Ive noticed in here you have to cover every angle because some may well take offence!)
But from my observations only it is almost like two different people. But again this could be because he has much more demands on his time and more obsessed/addicted with finding fuel to power his construct.
(Again no digs at HG, I’m simply quoting from his own books about him being preoccupied ONLY with finding fuel because of his total addiction to power!)
I now think of it in here as a fueling station where he can suck up tertiary bits of fuel from his adoring/admiring fans, which we know from his book fuel will add a good say 20/30 points to his overall day. However it seemed very much less so like that in beginning.
But reasons as I’ve said above no doubt are for that.
As always though, I think the focus should be on ourselves and determining if HG’s resources are tools that assist us in our own individual path. It’s a personal assessment we have to make. I believe the journey is ultimately the discovery of self. We can only control ourselves. I’ve said this before…the journey looks like the scales of justice where at the beginning one side is heavily weighted with the narc and trying to decipher all the narc’s manipulations Etc. Later, the self side gets more weighting with hopefully the narc’s matter evaporating into thin air.
Thank you LORI for your comments! I appreciated very much your comment about ‘you couldn’t see what was wrong with my comments.’
But thanks for speaking up Lori x
You’re welcome. I personally didn’t see a problem but that’s me
I’m just scrolling through here and want to add that I was so, so grateful to HG for stepping up right when I was in the middle of a crisis very recently and had only just found this blog. I literally had the narc on email, was reading one of the posts and asking HG questions all at the same time. HG was very quick to answer. I think even if his answers are brief (I wasn’t here in the ‘old days’) he can tell when someone is in desperate need at the moment (emergency!) as opposed to discussing things that might require a consultation. Just my two cents :).
I don’t mind the brevity. It is efficient.
Thank you K.
I don’t mind it either, even though it reminds me of my narc. Brevity was his stock in trade and so it does scare me a bit.
I had a couple episodes like that my first year on the blog because JN would hoover so much and typically start off with a fake apology. HG would translate these disingenuous apologies and I’d finally start to process the interpretations before just impulsively and instantly responding as one would tend to do when you get that overwhelming HTT (head to toe) wave of relief crashing over you after hearing from them following an extended silent treatment.
HG is the Game Changer!
Thank you.
Right. I have only been on here for two months or so but I had already escaped when I got here so unless there is another hoover (there were a few after I escaped but I was still somewhat unaware), I don’t expect that I will need much intervention anymore. I did do something stupid last night in the middle of the night when I woke up. When I fell asleep again I had nightmares about being ‘caught.’ But that was my fault. I thought about the lessons HG tries to teach us and it just confirmed for me even more how spot on he is. The only thing that worries me is that the blog itself is a trigger and causes me to think more about the narc than I should. But I suspect that too shall pass. In the meantime, I enjoy interacting and telling the stories, and I still learn new things.
HG
Upon further reflection, you were a “warmer and fuzzier” sociopath then, but I am very aware that you are much busier with the blog now and you do have a personal and private life, too.
K, I have neither been warm nor fuzzy!
Would you accept a more affable sociopath? 😉
I don’t follow.
Does being an affable sociopath appeal to you rather than being the sociopath with warm and fuzzies? I was just teasing though in fun.
Thanks for expanding Clarece, just to assist, when people ask a question as in “Why do you say that HG” and they are referring to an earlier post, I do not see the earlier post in the moderation pane and I do not have the time to go and find it, so it is most helpful if people restate the point. An affable one is more appealing than warm and fuzzies (whatever fuzzies are – they sound rather unpleasant).
Awww, no worries! I associate fuzzies with that of say cute, stuffed animals but I know hell needs to freeze over before you are associated with being like a teddy bear.
Shudder.
Warm and fuzzy HG, ya know that feeling you get when you see someone crying and angry at you?
No, that’s fuel which generates a sensation of power.
Ah come on HG
My grandson drew a teddy bear….sweet cuddly bear durning the day, teeth and sharp claws exposed at night walking through terrorizing ones dreams…
Just saying you could be a teddy bear….
Clarece, K, and HG,
Lol!! Fuzzy is a good thing hg but clarece is right. Hell would have to feeze over!
Clarece & HG
Ha ha ha…the “warm and fuzzies” are what I would categorize as kindness and acceptance (trust) and a teddy bear is a great representation of that.
Clarece
Ha ha ha…HG is very affable in his interviews.
Indeed he is!
HG
You are welcome, I understand the need to conserve energy and the comments appear to be briefer in the archives.
Ha ha ha…fabricated “warmth and fuzziness”, of course, all part of your charming facade and polite mien.
“Clarece: ‘…there is a marked difference with your interactions.’
HG: ‘But you wrote about how robotic I was, alien-like if I recall, when I wrote under Malignarc and than I became less so. That doesn’t fit with what you now write.’ ”
These threads are so long and I cannot be bothered finding the relevant reply button (so many are missing), hence the above quotations for reference.
I have only tip-toed into the archives but the differences that I see in the interactions between HG and readers – then and now – are evident of a developing sense of efficiency (which may come off as less personable to some) and professionalism. And the most direct, personalized responses may, or may not, be due to ‘rapport.’ But, as most know, rapport is a two-way street…so those that just show up demanding it might feel a tiny bit irked.
Overall, I still get sense of generosity in the sheer number of responses and answers that HG does provide – and I respect that.
Thank you. One should also take into account that I have considerable demands outside of the blog – both in terms of my private life, professional life and then attending to other blog-related matters such as writing material, addressing comments on other platforms, consultations, dealing with e-mail queries (which isn’t helped by a small number who jump up and down demanding my attention in e-mails which only then goes to clog up the system further).
You do a magnificent job in keeping things running smoothly HG, and I do not envy you.
Thank you.
Going on three years, absolutely, you do a great job of keeping this all together.
I want to clarify that my comment “there is a marked difference”, was simply a basic observation. If a new reader does go back to review the articles and comments from the archives, there is a difference to be seen. That is all. It was not said in any kind of snarky tone on my side. I understand HG’s wide range of obligations with this.
I did respond very complimentary to your question on my viewing you at one time as the robotic malignarc too. So I hope you post that when you have a chance to review because I did not want to leave you hanging on that one.
Understood and I regarded the comment as purely an observation, no more.
Ok since I’m newer here I went back and looked in the archives.
Yes, I did see a bit of a difference. I think the difference is HG is becoming more professional with this page which is quite reasonable to expect. He has become more refined and efficient at it which is natural progression with anything that’s growing whether it’s a blog or a growing small business. As you do things over and over you become more efficient and better at it.
I think the “difference” is that you are watching a paticular blogger getting better at it all
I don’t think he’s robotic I just think he’s getting better at this and is answering the most amounts questions that he can efficiently as possible
What HG was trying to say is that person was me trying to clog up the system…
Actually, it wasn’t all about you.
I can’t help but notice that Michelle is very quiet. My gut is telling me that she has gone ad hominem and HGs not letting it through. If so, thank you HG
MB I notice you keep bringing my name up. Are you ok? Is there anything you have a problem with?
Your comments of late have not been very nice about me and I’m not sure what I’ve done to deserve that.
Why would you not want my comments coming through?
Michelle,
I would like to respond here though you directed this to MB. Your comments all over the blog, not just here, are confusing. In some of them you say you don’t read the blog or HG’s books and have no reason to be here because you are not involved with any narcissists. Other comments seem as someone else pointed out ‘therapeutic’ and trying to work out trauma, abuse, etc.
In your comments on the Feb 2018 ‘Kiss Me’ post, you stated that you play games with the counsellors and therapists and psychologists, that you play different roles and characters to keep them from getting to your true core. I understand that completely. It’s self-protection and I get that. Other comments you make are along the lines of nobody wanting to engage with you or making you feel safe. There also comments from you that appear to be attacking, admitting you did so for sport and apologizing, and those individuals have responded or will respond directly to you.
You mention you suffer from bipolar disorder, so maybe what I observed is a manifestation of that, andI’ve tried to be sympathetic to that. I’m just wanting to engage with people here, YOU included, authentically and without mind games and circular conversations It’s that kind of nonsense that landed me here in the first place. I too want to be safe in my interactions here and not toyed with. This is not a game here as we can see by the many who open up about their very real traumatic and abusive experiences.
DUTG
DUTG,
I do not wish to toy with anyone.
I have borderline personality disorder not bipolar.
A couple of weeks ago when I was commenting I had not read any of HG’s books but within last few days I’ve read a few of his books now.
Yes I am confusing and I apologise for that. It is better to just not try and work me out. Unless you know me in real life, you are probably not going to get to grips with how I am. I do change and adapt all the time. I can be one thing one evening, and the next morning completely changed. My moods and intense feelings are always changing. And so you will see parts of one character within me and then you will see parts of another character in me. It’s like different facets of me, yet I am the same person.
(A couple of people have speculated whether or not a have DID or multiple personality disorder. One Narc, (very intelligent, especially with mental health disorders…possibly a cerebral) I got very close to as a friend in US was certain I had this and tried to persuade me I did have it. He had this or diagnosed himself and then managed to free himself of the disorder. He tried to help me with it all. But I don’t fit all the diagnoses.)
Anyway this is why it will not be possible to work me out only due to my comments on here. I am complex due to a very traumatic and abusive childhood/adulthood. No that does not give me licence as NarcAngel pointed out before but it’s hardly my fault as my brain is pretty messed up.
Basically in here, you are mainly all types of empaths and you have all dealt with or still are dealing with Narcs of different types.
But I’m coming in from a completely different angle I guess. I don’t fit really in this fish pond. And I can see it. I think HG can too.
If this was a cluster B type blog, then I would fit. But it’s not. However I’ve come to learn about Narcs/Narc traits because of having it in at least one parent and also relationships I’ve had in past. What I’ve been drawn to and why etc. Why they seem drawn to me. Though I’ve never known why.
I’m not trying to play mind games, and I’ve tried to be nice and control everything as much as possible. And trust me when I say I’m a bit hell and Hyde.
The problem comes I guess because there are similarities to Narcs. That’s why we are on the same spectrum. There are overlapping symptoms so I’m bound to have some Narc traits which I don’t like. But I never realised what they were until now.
I understand a lot of how HG is, because I’m on the same spectrum. The ways he expresses himself and talks about things. I get it. And I know where that behaviour pattern comes from because ive had to create similar survival techniques myself. It’s like HG is a big brother to me. Lol! So the kind of attachment you would feel is different to my kind of attachment.
I’m sorry if this doesn’t make much sense. Sometimes I even confuse myself.
Anyway, I’ve learnt much from you all here. And I’m truly sorry if I’ve upset your feelings. I have those same strong empathic traits too and beat myself up. I don’t like to be disliked. I hate feeling uneasy with people.
So I’m apologising and I’m saying sorry for the catastrophic mess that I am.
Like I said, I do not fit here. I do not fit anywhere! That’s not me feeling sorry for myself or playing some kind of victim. It really is the truth.
I’m glad you’ve all come here and been able to find what you’ve been looking for. I can not find my answers. I am always lost. I cannot find myself. Like HG I have no self. But I struggle to survive. I cannot tell you how debilitating and painful this hole is in me. I’m glad HG has found his place. I’m glad you all have too.
💔🗡😢🔫 😦🔗⛓💊⚰☠
I’m sorry for everything……
Hello michelle,
I have not read many of your posts except a few in this thread. All I can say is this place is for everyone who wishes to learn about narcissism.
It’s not necessary we must always fit in, because how do we know the group we are trying to fit in with is ideal? Who decides that? I like many of the people here very much, but if they were to not like me, then i should not let it stop me from being here.
However, it is always nice to try to get along with others. I didn’t get along with everyone while I was with narc. I was in a way ‘blinded’ to the truth. Becoming narc free not only brought me freedom, it changed my personality. I let go of many maladaptive behaviors. And that is when I reflected and realized how I would overreact on the blog sometimes. Now I am careful not to do that. Life is short and I don’t want to be remembered in a negative light.
If I think my comment is one that I would not like to receive from somebody else, then I reword it. This is a good test to determine whether or not my comment may hurt someone or be misinterpreted. Fitting in is not important. Learning is important. Moving forward is important. Keeping the peace, with honesty and compassion, is important. We are all in this together!
Hi Jenna….
You used to be a Narc? Or do you mean have Narc traits?
Yes I agree about what you have said. My hubby always says to me, “if in doubt, …be kind”….
And I’m trying to emulate that. It’s very difficult at times.
Maybe if I’m feeling stressed or triggerred or upset, I should not say anything.
I am learning how to get on with people. I should have learnt this when I was a kid. But I’m learning at nearly 41 instead. Not good huh?!
I need to probably do my DBT stuff too which I’ve stopped.
I’m always apologising to people I know that much.
Hi michelle,
No I was not a narc. But i was overly sensitive when the narc was around, and it manifested in my personal life and on the blog. I would feel sad or even panic if commenters wrote something against my posts. I realized that commenters write what they want, so I need to be strong on the inside to handle all kinds of comments. How to do this? Well, when i became narc free, i went through many changes, and one of them included my over sensitivity vanishing, just like that, it was gone!!
I started seeing the bigger picture and realized that it’s important to keep peace because we are all in this together, and getting along brings peace to the heart. It is a form of self growth in itself.
I agree with what you wrote: “Maybe if I’m feeling stressed or triggerred or upset, I should not say anything.” This way, you won’t regret anything later. I know it can be difficult at times, especially if we are being triggered by narcs, but we can try out best. We must leave the narc and surround ourselves with positive people in our lives. It helps alot!
“I’m learning at nearly 41 instead. Not good huh?!” Why not good michelle? Anytime is good! Better late than never! And better to move towards positive self growth than towards narcissistic traits, which you are doing by default simply by being here.
Have a positive attitude, be grateful for how much you have accomplished, be determined to accomplish more self growth, and don’t let a fallback discourage you! You can do it, I can do it, we all can do it!
Hi Michelle,
Take heart, breath deep and carry on…
You can find your answers from lots of different places. You may find some here, you may find some on other blogs, you may find some in books, in videos, in songs, in the world around you, within your current relationships with others, you will find them in general life.
But to be honest the answers are actually in you, sometimes when we look for answers or salvation outside of ourselves we miss the truth we actually already know.
If you do not feel like you fit anywhere, try looking at it from another angle. What can you change in your environment, relationships, activities that will fit to who you are? How can they be adapted to best work for you? Instead of trying to make you fit somewhere and then feel dejected when that does not work out; change what is around you to make it feel like a better fit for you.
I hope that this makes sense, we are all complex multi faceted beings! If you shine in Technicolor with fluctuating emotions and feel very deeply, It’s going to Be tough… but that does not mean it’s not doable! You just have to find the right lens to look through to find your way.
There is always a purpose and meaning! Sometimes we just need to look at it from different angles to see it clearly.
Quasi yes. Good valid points! Thank you for taking the time to reply to me.
I do think you are right in what you are saying.
It’s hard to change ourselves. If you think how hard it is to change someone else then that gives us an idea.
Michelle,
I appreciate your detailed and open response, and I really appreciate you allowing me to be honest about how I was feeling. Let’s start over. It takes time, patience and honesty to understand one another, especially in this format. We are all learning here. I think you should stick around, especially since we understand one another a little better.
DUTG
Michelle,
What the Hell? Have I missed something ? Why are you doing all of this explaining and apologizing ? You owe no one here all of this with the exception of maybe HG because the comments were about him and it’s his page beyond that you don’t owe any of us anything.
Because many were kinda offended with my behaviour and some of my posts and thought I was having a go at HG. Others think i am out to cause trouble. Would anyone like to volunteer sharing the “kiss” post?
It’s ok though.
I have BPD and am a complicated person. I am like a bull in a China shop at times. Jekyll and Hyde… all that sort of thing! I am within the Cluster B of personality disorders.
I have my friends in real life who know me. It is hard often to see the way things are coming across on here. So I do not hold anything against anyone. Only myself.
I know your busy and I appreciate your time.
I have a confession to make.
I understand that HG is extremely busy and responds when he can. I get it.
But it triggered me the other day when he didn’t respond to me. I felt like he was ignoring me. I shrugged it off at first. But then I noticed that he responded to everyone else except me. And it hurt my feelings. I was overwhelmed with feelings of rejection. I felt small, alone and unimportant. It reminded me of how the other midrange narcissist treated me.
I became angry and in my anger.
1. I went to my blog and deleted one by one everything that had anything to do with a narcissist, but I felt it wasn’t enough. So I deleted my account.
2. Then I went to Amazon and deleted every review I made on HG’s books.
3. Then I deleted my Kindle Unlimited Account.
4. Then I unfollowed HG on YouTube because I didn’t want to hear the word narcissist ever again.
5. Then I went on Instagram and I unliked every comment I had every liked and then I unfollowed HG.
6. Then I deleted all my internet search history and emails. pretty much-deleted anything that had to do with a narcissist.
7. Then I deleted my Quora account because they always send me emails on narcissism.
8. Then I went to bed and woke up the next morning and I decided I was overreacting.
9. So I contacted WordPress and asked them to reactivate my account and they did.
10. Meanwhile, as I impatiently waited for my account to reactivate I made a separate account and I came across a blog that was talking all kinds of crap about HG’s blog and for a brief moment, the temptation to click the like button on all the post crossed my mind. But I did not.
11. I thought about changing my profile pic to it middle finger and leaving it that way. Without saying anything to anybody. And the F-word was my favorite word for the day.
12. Then I thought I would just play it off like nothing bothered me. I put my account on private since I do not have anything on it anymore. And I probably won’t for a while because I have a summer class that I will be taking, so I will not have time to post new stuff on my blog.
13. Then I decided not to go on HG’s blog for one day, but then I thought what if people are trying to talk to me. I didn’t subscribe to the comments, so I wouldn’t know. Unless I look. So I looked and I decided I would share my experience because I understand when some people feel like they are being ignored. But I also understand HG does the best he can and you are only one person.
14. Now I am just laughing at myself for allowing myself to become so triggered over nothing. I am not currently having a crisis, so I really didn’t need a response. Other people may actually be in the middle of a crisis and they need your advice unlike me I was just expressing my appreciation.
15. I had thought about just having a consultation with you about this but my kids are out if school for the summer and I just don’t have time.
16. Maybe what I had to say will be beneficial to someone reading.
Anyway, I am not perfect. We all have our moments.
Omg! I ❤ narcsite….
Are you borderline?
Because others may find your behaviour strange but I totally GET it and I’ve literally done all the same types of things.
I have never been diagnosed as a borderline. Thank you for sharing that you have also behaved the same way. Makes me feel better-knowing someone can relate.
I love narcsite,
I think it was so very brave of you to reflect on this situation honestly and share your reflections with us.
I have a HUGE amount of respect for you.
We do all have our moments, sometimes are minds run away with us, sometimes soon we act impulsively in the moment. We are human!
One thing is for sure, you are a brave soul finding your way. Thank you for being so honest, it’s refreshing and quite beautiful.
I won’t speak on anyone else’s behalf, but I’m sure your appreciation was noted and was appreciated in return.
I appreciate this beautiful, raw, honest post that you have made. I like reading the real!
Thank you
Thank you for sharing your vulnerability, your honesty. I think we all have our moments where we feel isolated and alone. You are very brave. Thank you for #16.
I had to go back and read #16 to see what it I wrote. Thank you.
HG, you were very much different when you were “Malignarc”, more open, more friendlier, even more vulnerable and more human should I say.
I like this person Malignarc. You have changed. You are not like this now. More guards up. More colder. No doubt it’s because there are much more people now.
The earlier posts are very interesting…..
You even got close to some it seems…..
I wish I had made your acquaintance then…
Interesting. I think people would actually find it is the other way around.
I do not see how……i see the changes, they are very obvious to me…..
Maybe you got hurt….who knows…..
You were more expressive, you ask people for their thoughts, and questions more. You tell them how you want them to comment often and how you are sorry for the delay in responding. You often will be inquisitive and you tell them how you are very happy to hear from them .
We are lucky if we get 3 words from you now….. or maybe it’s just the ones you don’t like….
It’s called having a private and professional life and over 1000 e-mails, comments, etc to address every day. I did not get hurt, I do not get hurt. Perhaps some of the readers who have been here a long time and those from the beginning would articulate their observations as they have previously.
You do get hurt HG, just not in the same way as us. Or you do not feel it the same way as us. The way you feel hurt, is through your anger…. or that very uncomfortable feeling of shame (a place when you felt weak and without power)…. that is pain….. and whenever you feel it, you cannot stand it. You do not even like to talk about it. I understand because I have similar wounds too.
Behind anger is hurt or pain. Behind shame there is pain. It’s all emotional pain that you’ve suppressed over the years and built this construct over the top to try and hide it or somehow smother it. But it’s still there.
It never goes away…..just like the emptiness…..no matter what you do, it’s always there.
The child in us, can’t forget what it felt like then….
Actually, I do not get hurt. Read Fury to understand what it is.
H.G…. love ya, but it’s true. Big difference now. Don’t get defensive. It’s a compliment. People like relating to your human side and when you are willing to be more open.
HG
I found in going back to the older posts that your responses were lengthier (presumably because you had more time), and you spent more time asking readers to open up about themselves and their situation. This can be taken as being more personable but my take is that you also did this more to gauge the wants and needs of your audience in order to better cater the best information to them. The name Malignarc also had a very negative connotation (in my opinion) and may have been too intimidating to someone attempting to “Know the Narcissist”. There appears to be a subtle shift in your style but overall I find you more personable and displaying more of your sense of humor now. You no longer need to coax information from people reluctant to engage, as people are so much more familiar with social media and for the most part you cant shut them up now lol. There are so many more books and articles now, different platforms to keep updated, the memes and new series offered, the list seems endless and yet your time is not. Also, due to people arriving at different times and being in different stages, there is a lot of repetition of questions and a little looking around and asking for direction from other readers is not out of the question and many are good at helping with this. As in any good community, when you benefit it is good to be able to help contribute. I am flabbergasted when someone inquires (sometimes demands) why their question has not been answered in a very short period of time given the amount of activity they can see just here on the blog. I presume that you are busy with other matters and will get to it as soon as possible as you are invested in this enterprise and wish it to remain successful. I am happy to wait my turn, especially when I think of someone benefitting from a paid consult specific to their needs over another of my general observations, or joking about and general nonsense that you allow us to indulge in as you know it to also be therapeutic. We also sometimes forget that this space is supposed to be beneficial to you in learning more about empaths, but because there are now so many of us and a lot of the situations are similar, it is harder to offer you anything new or to challenge you to keep your interest stimulated. In short (I know-too late), I always enjoy interacting with you and wish there could be more of it, but although I am not happy to see the numbers increase due to this epidemic of narcissism, I am happy that they have a place to come to get the information that they need and if having to have a little less of it with you in order to facilitate that then that is something that I happily accept. I have been here for awhile and have heard most of the empath side so I do admit to wanting to know more about your journey as you know, so I will take you at your word that you are still working toward providing that and that it is not a future fake. You do a great job and I do not think we (at least I) want to be seen as benefitting from what you provide while criticizing you unecessarily. I am nothing like the person who first instilled in you that your best is never good enough. It is.
Thank you NA, all valid points. There is plenty of material on the way. I have had professional demands which have impacted on me and created a bottle neck. This is being tackled with a view to then releasing new material and allowing greater interaction on the blog. You are correct that many answers can be addressed through consultation – which is always the route to go to where the situation is personal and bespoke rather than debating principles in a general sense – and from reading my work either in the books and/or articles.
Sounds like he’s quitting the day job 🙂
Well said NA! The best anybody can do is always enough.
Hi narcangel,
I always love reading your comments. Excellent points!
Jenna
Hi Jenna. Good to see you and I hooe you are well.
Hi narc angel,
I am well! You’ve been telling me all along he’s no good for me. I wish i had listened to hg and you and others here from the beginning! Some people (pointing towards me) learn the hard way i guess! You are wise narcangel. Thank you for looking out for me when i could not even look out for myself. I consider you my friend😊
Thank you for caring.
Omg just noticed the new sparkling banner at the top of the page! It looks fab!! Loving it…
Hello Jenna
Nice to see you active here again and to see you are feeling better.
Twilight,
Thank you. I like seeing you here too😊
Jenna
I will probably be here using this site to educate my granddaughter about HGs kind, when she is old enough to understand why they “feel” different to her.
Good idea twilight! I will be around too. I love it here too much!
Michelle,
He had more time then and much less to moderate. The blog, YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, consulting, writing, personal life, professional life etc etc etc. I don’t know how he gets it all done without getting burned out. The man barely sleeps as it is. Eventually, something will have to give and I fear this monster blog will have to be pared down in some way. I consider anyone that gets a personal response on the blog at this point very fortunate. I see what you mean from his responses to the older posts, but only owing to the reasons HG states. There is no “hidden” reason or agenda. The Tudor day already has 25 hours and he only has two hands.
Also, if I’m being honest, it seems that many of the comments you make are geared toward trying to get HG riled up. Why? Besides, you said you were leaving, yet here you are, continuing to antagonize.
Michelle
I would also like to add that if one requires more than a three word response, they should pay him for his expertise by booking a consultation. I liken the earlier days of the blog to a company giving free samples of a new product to get the word out. HG is waaaaay beyond that point, yet here he is, moderating. I see that as commendable, not a basis for a complaint. How many successful authors would give their readers access to them in this manner?
No, I agree with Michelle. You may not see it because you are in the throes of so much more moderating with increased readership, but there is a marked difference with your interactions.
But you wrote about how robotic I was, alien-like if I recall, when I wrote under Malignarc and than I became less so. That doesn’t fit with what you now write.
I get it where this caused confusion for you. Let me clarify. When I said it was alien-like early on interacting with you initially, it was because of having dialogue with someone I’m referring to as “Malignarc”. It was my first time ever even writing to someone on a blog and you didn’t even have a real name. What is Malignarc? I have no clue. Are you from planet Narcopathia or something? lol That was very foreign to me. As was, you in general opening my eyes to the fact that narcissistic sociopaths aren’t just criminals stealing or killing people. So that is what I mean when I fondly say you were like conversing with an alien for that part.
With regard to being robotic… the first few months your answers seemed to have a more ominous tone, although you were able to answer many more questions.
So fast forward through that first year and many more characters pop in and out (my goodness there was Janaa38, ABB, Ah-Oh, Flower and Rock, Crystal Empath, Bloody Elemental, Sarah, T (#1 from CA etc.), the number of readers are growing, and it is true that you would ask questions to the readers as topics crept up and engage in more back and forth dialogue. As that developed and your readership grew and more books came out, naturally it makes sense to officially assign your name to your work and you merged everything under the HG Tudor name. There was a shift in your tone during those months were you let your humor shine through and a more relatable “human” side. You also still had time on your side with being able to articulate many more detailed answers. Do not forget your contest for hitting 4 million hits was a quiz with 20 questions all about you and many of those answers were from comments you made on the blog. Not in your books.
If the blog had turned out to be a bust, but the books sold, it would make sense to keep an identity separate at first until you got a feel for how people would respond to you.
Consults would be difficult if people still had to refer to you as Malignarc. lol I would feel like I’m talking to a droid with a human voice.
And I am not saying I didn’t say you were robotic, I don’t recall it offhand. I do remember saying that as you got busier, your answers became more caveman like. One word, like Tarzan. lol
Does this help HG?
Hi hg and eceryone!
I almost forgot that you don’t get hurt hg! Oh boy how nice it is to be narc free!
This blog and your books, interviews, etc. provide potent insider info on narcissism. I cannot even begin to explain how your blog and consults have completely changed my life! I look at life differently now.
I believe most personality disorders are a gradual progression towards increasing narcissism and the end point is full npd. The only way to slow down narcissism is to employ empathy at any occasion possible.
Hg, through the blog and helping others, your narcissism has and will slow down. When you help others, regardless of your reasons, it will affect you. That effect will be a more gradual progression of your narcissism vs a faster progression.
How are you hg? I miss the consults! May i consult you for no reason whatsoever?😀
Or may i talk about my new thoughts on narcissism, inspired by you, obviously.
I am excellent well Jenna, you are always welcome to consult with me, but it would be preferable for it to be about something otherwise it will be very quiet! Yes, you may articulate your new thoughts to me.
Well it would not be quiet because i would talk about stuff, just for a chance to talk to u! I do love talking to you! You know i believe you are not as empty as you think right? Oh and, wait a sec, last time i checked, you love talking too!! Lol, the relevant article springs to mind. Is it called ‘shut up’ or something like that? K do u recall the name of the article?
And thx for allowing me to articulate my new thoughts on narcissism through consult, as another option to chat with ya! You may be surprised when you hear my new thoughts though!
I dont get it why are people so riled up? I didn’t see anything too offensive in Michelle’s words.
It’s hard to form a well rounded opinion about someone from the Internet. I can come off a very direct maybe even sometimes cold but I am far from it in real life.
I think it’s all nice how some of you come to the defense of HG. I quite like him too but I like most Narcs. They are fun and charasmatic but do I know HG ? No, I do not . I do not know if he sleeps or doesn’t sleep. I know nothing about HG other than he’s able to provide me some information I need and I take it at face value
If Michelle thinks he s colder now and that he feels hurt then that’s her opinion. Perhaps I missed something but I didn’t see anything so offensive not like that one woman who came here and told everyone they were stupid
I dont read any of the responses as riled up. Just opinions and possible explanations to consider. Or not.
You are absolutely correct Lori about perception of a person purely from written words and Michelle does have some valid points re earlier interactions with readers and is entitled to her opinion regardless. I shouldn’t have gotten as riled up as I did and feel ashamed for doing so. It was due to her overall behavior recently on the blog, not only this one.
Lori
I can only speak for myself, I am far from riled up. You would know it.
I stated my opinion and I have been following her comments. Time has a way of revealing a persons true colours.
All
“Perhaps some of the readers who have been here a long time and those from the beginning would articulate their observations as they have previously.”
(HG Tudor in response to Michelles observation)
I believe this is where the comments were invited and it was not denying Michelle her opinion – just inviting others, but I could be mistaken. (Im not).
Thank you NA. I commented per his request for feedback (like a good little empath) I am not one that enjoys jumping into the fray. Confrontation isn’t my thing. It was more “I’ve got your back, HG”. Believe me, I’ve regretted it ever since. Not having his back (I am forever loyal to him unless he gives me a reason not to be, which has no reason to happen.) Having a do-over would look different. I’m not here to fight.
MB, it hurts my heart that you would feel ashamed by your honest response to the totality of the recent commentary that has transpired here at this site as of late. I recognize your comments weren’t based on one comment/observation but by a pattern that honestly has been quite disconcerting to those of us who’ve witnessed it. I hesitate to expand further because of the recent commentary I witnessed on the Feb 2018 ‘Kiss’ post. I just want everyone to be sincere in their objectives and personal struggles is all.
NarcAngel, I agree and would add that another frequent comment that triggers me is when someone writes: “Somehow I doubt my comment will even see the light of day.” There is something about the aggressor yet victim stance that triggers me and is driving me to dive deeper and explore it.
I’m trying to work out my own shit and figure if I can work out my virtual triggers, maybe I have a shot in real life…
DUTG
That’s sweet DUTG, but that’s just the way I’m made. Most of the time, I am able to keep it inside where it can’t hurt anybody else’s feelings and it will ebb. I was just tired of her jabs at HG and had enough. He was the dog I had in the fight which is silly. He’s perfectly capable of defending himself. If I wasn’t able to type so fast, it would never have gotten posted.
Not knowing what others are going through, I have no right to add to their struggles with my responses. Anytime I lose composure that way, I feel that I was not entitled to do so and this is no different. It doesn’t matter what I think anyway. Who am I to have an opinion much less cause somebody else pain or drama in order to express it?
MB
I went back and read your comment to me, maybe that is not the one you are speaking of, lol I have a 2 1/2 yr old full of spunky attitude and self determination on getting her way and working her way to a much needed nap, so I have not been able to read the entire thread.
I didn’t see anything wrong, it was an opinion and stating facts of what you read.
I am curious are you now trying to avoid what you feel instinctively and rationalise things emotionally? Putting yourself into that same situation and seeing it as possibly being hurtful, which then is going to trigger your own emotions? Then guilt and remorse for what could be taken offensively and cause pain?
I don’t believe your intentions were to hurt only in expressing your opinion.
I do believe we tend to overthink a situation which triggers our emotional thinking and then causes a ripple effect to find a way to become comfortable again. Even if it means taking on responsibility of another’s reactions or perceived reaction or imagined reaction.
Expectations is the first step to disappointment, one will either react or respond to this disappointment either by self reflection or projecting.
IMO she was expecting and then projecting due to not getting what she expected. Feeling slighted and jealous to the perceived attention others get from HG. When the fact is HG doesn’t give his attention to anyone here, I believe that would look very different then what is shown here.
Twilight,
“are you now trying to avoid what you feel instinctively and rationalise things emotionally? Putting yourself into that same situation and seeing it as possibly being hurtful, which then is going to trigger your own emotions? Then guilt and remorse for what could be taken offensively and cause pain?”
Yes ma’am. All of the above. You hit the nail on the head with that passage! Plus, I always overthink and can’t let things go. Beating myself up long after others have forgotten the perceived slight I think I’ve caused. I cannot bear for someone to be mad at me or to not think I’m “nice”. Tension causes me great stress. I’ve never burned a bridge no matter how poorly a person has treated me. I don’t really know what’s at the root of it. That’s just the way I’ve always been. I don’t consider myself a doormat. I don’t think that’s it. I think I’m a peacekeeper and I’ll suffer in silence in order to keep that peace. I’ll forget about it, but they might not if I show my ass/arse big time and they’ll no longer think I’m nice, see?
On the rare occasion I get angry, I cool off and apologize to keep the peace. If I had enemies, I couldn’t stand it. My mother always reminds me that what other people think of me is none of my business. But I can’t help it. I want everything to be alright.
PS Twilight
Enjoy that baby girl. They grow up way too fast. 2 1/2 is a tough age though. Not many things can try your patience quite like a sleepy toddler!
MB
They do grow up fast, she is my granddaughter and I have spent the last two days with her. She was slightly cranky this morning and after her nap she was back to her sweet self again.
If you want to see the true patience’s of a person watch them with a cranky sleepy 2 yr old, and the many whys even parents need some time away to recharge.
Now we are debating “riled up” if someone was they were if they weren’t they weren’t. In the end doesn’t really matter.
This is the Internet no one here personally knows the other to my knowledge except those that have consulted and even then I wouldn’t say you really know HG but certainly better than someone who hasn’t.
Sometimes things seem so personal here but at the end of the day, it’s a blog and a place to obtain information. It is for informational purposes only
I think he interacts with people fine and approriately. I see how tthe answers could seem robotic. This is for information not necessarily a place to get warm fuzzies not to memtion he gets hundreds and hundreds of responses. I would imagine telling people “because he’s a Narcissist” a few hundred thousand times gets monotonous lol.
I’m not trying to offend anyone here that’s just my take on it. Someone else might have another but none of this is personal
Fair point.
Lori
Lol. I cant speak for others but Im not debating with you, offended by you, or taking anything personal. Simply offering an opinion as are you. As I recall you thought I was coming down on you previously when I made a joke about you asking many questions and I wasnt. It was just a joke. Its easy in print to read into something that isnt there. Its all just information and opininons. Sometimes they differ.
MB
Why would you feel ashamed ? You have nothing to be ashamed about. You obviously had a reaction to someone’s words and that’s fine. I was simply saying I didn’t see anything too offensive just her observations.
I like to come here for info not for personal connections not that many of you aren’t really nice people it’s just that you can’t really form amy personal connections in this setting and everyone is entitled to their 2 cents you have nothing to be ashamed of or apologize for
Thank you for saying so Lori.
Shame – “a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety”
The sneaky thing about shame is, nobody does it to me. I do it to myself. It hurts me to my core to be called down for my behavior whether or not it is a valid complaint. One of my favorite song lyrics is “I’m an albatross hanging around my own neck.” ~Lost and Lonely by Aaron Lewis
Sweet K sent me links to some excellent articles about shame. I know I have a lot of painful work to do, but just stuffing it has worked fairly well for many years.
I came here for information also, but I’ve stayed for the interaction. I feel like you CAN form connections in this setting. I don’t see people hiding behind a computer screen. Everything I read, whether it’s an article HG writes or a reader’s comment is somebody talking and when I read it, I am listening. These little gravatars represent each one of you to me, because that’s all I know of your appearance. But the personality comes through when you share. I’m not here to make friends, but it sure is a pleasant side effect if it happens. There are some I would LOVE to hang out with in person or at least email or talk to on the phone. I make connections everywhere I go. I want to leave people feeling better than when I found them, but at the very least, do no harm.
HG, how about that convention in Vegas? Let’s do it. You can be incognito. Wear a wig covering your face like Sia did.
https://goo.gl/images/xL9aUU
Keep up the good work, MB!
HG I think you’ve done a fine job with this page. I was on many years back. This one has given me the most “closure” or should I say practical answers and information that I can practically use
I think my disconnect is the further no contact i get out the more objective I become and the less personal it all seems. I think when people first get here every and all comments seem personal because you’ve just been kicked in the gut by a Narc.
In any case, I feel for ya. It must both suck and feel awesome at the same time that you have to say the same shit over and over because you now have so many readers.
Thank you.
Jenna
I am not sure which article you may be referring to, could it be this one?
https://narcsite.com/2018/05/16/shut-up-5/
Hi K!
Yes that is the article. I knew I could count on you! Thank you!
My pleasure, Jenna!
Just a heads up. I RSVPed on another thread with the link because I wasn’t sure if you would get my response here.
HG I think you do an amazing job balancing all. You must be a very busy man.I have wondered at times, when does this man sleep?? As your popularity grows, as more responses from readers pour in, it makes sence that your responses may be more brief. You must juggle a lot between your day job, your blogs , your consultations, interviews etc. Not to mention your personal life. Thank u so much for taking the time you do have to provide us with such an amazing wealth of information. You have helped so many of us , and we are so grateful.
Thank you Star, I appreciate your comments. I have significant professional commitments at present which are demanding a lot of time, but I shall be moderating more often in about a week.
totally agree , i think it’s the other way round, robotic , distant , like a machine , then you became human . I personally think it’s because of the responses you were getting that changed your approach .
Yes, I would agree with you on that, HG 🙂 You have got more creative. If I may suggest, maybe you have become more ‘comfortable’ about yourself as an individual. You are still ‘you’ but more ‘blossomed’ (sorry for using that as a description), as if you have opened up more, especially since launching your Ultra YT channel. It’s to see 🙂
That was also the beginnings of the blog. Its grown a lot and im sure HG has become busier as a result. Im amazed he answers the amount of questions that he does!
There are more followers now, no doubt. I’m astounded at his ability to keep up with all of these comments. Engaging and charming isn’t the same as caring. It seems that you are hurt and seeking validation. We are empaths and will be drawn to him…I get it. But…the purpose of this blog is to help you self validate. “Concentrate on your own defenses. Make your own victory.” <3
Jess
Great point re: self valdating. We are given the information and are free to exchange with the other commenters and HG when he has the time, but we have to put the work in.
Hi Michelle! I always like seeing readers going back into the archives. There are some articles that are true gems relating more to HG’s personal experiences and relationships that are not in the recycle rotation now. Like you said, he was able to spend more time being open and conversing about himself.
Can you now see why some of us, such as myself, continue to root for HG’s journey in this? That although he fundamentally cannot change, that maybe something will develop to bring more peace into his life and modify /curb the malignant mean streak shown to people who get close to him?
Yes I can Clarence, and thanks for your comments… I too hope that this happens! If he continues to be aware and work along with his doctors, (although at times that may feel uncomfortable) i would hope that this would help him with his continuing addiction to power.
Who knows? But it would be interesting to see that come about.
I do feel incredibly fortunate to have been an early follower Michelle.
As HG and other readers have pointed out he does now have a huge fan base which would make it impossible for him to keep up with them all.
I have read numerous comments where people ask questions which have already been asked by others and I’m always amazed with HG’s patience in taking the time to re explain to those individuals who have not read his nearly exact same response. They are still tailored replies (I would have cut and paste by now).
There is so much here to learn but of course any direct interaction is incredibly welcome. And his consultations are excellent and very personal!
Thank you Alexis, always good to hear from you.
Yes Alexissmith he does do an excellent job keeping up with everything. I am glad too that many have had the opportunity to be with him from the beginning too. I am sure this must help him.
Michelle
Why are you here?
I was nice, yet I know what my instincts say about you. Very rarely am I wrong.
You are becoming transparent.
ED was very similar to you, provoking, looking for sympathy, trying to make things look like something they are not.
You desire to leave because you have become butt hurt because HG has not responded to you in the way you desire, knock yourself out.
Twilight
And I was feeling bad about my comments! Ha ha (not that you should). I even wanted to post an apology to her and soften it a bit, but decided against it since I already had two comments.
I got a bad vibe from her too when I first saw some negative posts from her about wanting to be blocked, talking back smart assy to the moderator, saying she’s leaving, etc. the more recent posts have been more therapeutic for her and others and I attributed her earlier behavior as hurt and lashing out at the resident narcissist by proxy. It happens, he knows it and is ok with it per his own admission.
However, when she started in with the malignarc comments it became apparent what was behind her comments…Jealousy. malignarc was more raw, real, uncensored, and not quite as “professional”. In fact, I can’t think of any comments since I came on in February where he has flirted so shamelessly as he was with Kat in the exchanges to which Michelle was referring.
I get it. Believe me, I’m one of the worst of the fawners! Nothing is more addictive than the attention from a narcissist. Otherwise, many of us wouldn’t be in the predicament that we find ourselves! Attention from a greater such as HG is all the more addictive.
Anyway, I see where Michelle is coming from. She sees others getting attention and some of her comments ignored and that feels yucky.
Ultimately, HG does what’s best for HG. Not for MB, not for Michelle, not for anybody. Whether you are primary, secondary, or tertiary, he is the doer, not the done to; the controller, not the controlled. He will easily see through your manipulations for his attention. Unless and until it is best for him, you may as well be pissing in the wind. And I learned that by being here.
I’m sorry to dissappoint you Twilight, (and this is to others too who have mentioned me in their comments lately too which I’ve only just found.)… your judgements and/or scrutinisation of me is wrong. And even if it wasnt wrong, its not your business to interfere.
Many of you have jumped on the band wagon and decided to attack me lately.
Whatever the reason I’m personally here for is again none of anyone’s business. To ask why someone is here, is almost like it’s your blog. The only person who has the right to ask that is HG.
And though you percieve that your instincts are correct about me being terribly hurt over something to do with HG, again, you’ve got the wrong end of the stick and began hitting yourself with it. If I wanted to ask HG anything or I had trouble with something I would just email him or message him. I would go to him directly. I wouldnt pussy-foot around on here, making snide remarks or subtle hints LIKE I’M NOT HERE!!!
Whatever my behaviour was, is in the past, and you cannot possibly judge someone by their comments on here. Maybe I was having a bad day? A bad few days? A week even. Do you have bad days? Would you like to be judged on those bad days? Seems hardly fair does it?
Please everyone …Stop jumping to conclusions about me, stop interfering, and stop judging me!
Life is bloody hard enough without coming on here and getting bullied by complete strangers!
FFS!!!
Michelle
“Whatever the reason I’m personally here for is again none of anyone’s business. To ask why someone is here, is almost like it’s your blog. The only person who has the right to ask that is HG.”
I asked a simple question and one I am entitled to ask, the choice to answer or not was yours. If I was expecting an answer it would have been along the lines of “I am here learning about narcissism.” I could say you are defensive and attacking me for asking.
“And though you percieve that your instincts are correct about me being terribly hurt over something to do with HG, again, you’ve got the wrong end of the stick and began hitting yourself with it.”
My comment to you stated
“Why are you here?
I was nice, yet I know what my instincts say about you. Very rarely am I wrong.
You are becoming transparent.
ED was very similar to you, provoking, looking for sympathy, trying to make things look like something they are not.
You desire to leave because you have become butt hurt because HG has not responded to you in the way you desire, knock yourself out.”
WHY are you trying to twist my words as if I said something different?
“your judgements and/or scrutinisation of me is wrong. And even if it wasnt wrong, its not your business to interfere.”
Your behavior is repeating just on a different media space. I am not judging. Interesting you state I was interfering, I am curious as to what am I interfering with?
“Whatever my behaviour was, is in the past, and you cannot possibly judge someone by their comments on here. Maybe I was having a bad day? A bad few days? A week even. Do you have bad days? Would you like to be judged on those bad days? Seems hardly fair does it?”
Now I can only speak for myself. Judge me I have been through the fire and face the devil himself, I know truth of myself vs my honest opinion of myself.
If you have seen an issue with me (here on the blog, YouTube, instagram or Twitter) please bring it out in front of everyone, If you bring truth I have nothing to fear, you lie I will correct you. If I wrong someone I will do all I can to make amends.
“Please everyone …Stop jumping to conclusions about me, stop interfering, and stop judging me!
Life is bloody hard enough without coming on here and getting bullied by complete strangers! “
People were stating their opinion of what they witnessed not attacking, yet one could take this as “stop, stop I am the victim here and being bullied”
Michelle,
I have been following your comments. It seems that you are somehow hurt. I do not exactly know why( I do not need to) but I hope you can let that hurt go.
I have not been on this blog from start but now that you have mentioned it I read some of the first comments. What I can see is that there is no need for him to have a mask in here .There is no need for sugar-coating. We all know that we are dealing with a narcissist and you can see by reading the comments and answers that the answers reflect exactly what he is. Always with politeness yes but no more answer than what is needed.
Do you remember: they always function under the principle of energy saving.
All these comments ( not just yours) made me reflect about something that the digital world has brought with it:
Has there always been so much hatred? Perhaps the hate itself has always been constant, but not as visible. The new thing with the digital world is that we see each other’s unfiltered thoughts.
And it makes me wonder: Is humanity ( me included) really ready for such a psychological challenge as to consistently express its worst sides hidden behind a screen?
It is very easy to say things behind a screen. If you had the person right in front of you it would not be so easy to be judgemental. We behind the screen are wearing a mask now. Being the main difference that he is not wearing any mask here( he wears them outside instead) . Here he shows exactly what he is.No sugar coating. Not giving more than it is required: always under the principle of low energy consumption / energy saving.
Thank you Superxena…. though I assure you I was not hurt nor jealous, and I think it’s easy on here, including myself, to jump to wrong conclusions. We all do not know one another. But no upsetting or rolling up was done. I think it would take more than a tertiary source to do that, and if I had of done then I think Mr Tudor would have put me in my place. But I did check and all seems ok.
Sorry HG, Malignarc NOT Matrinarc….
I got it!
I’ve still not done the corrections yet, but I will get round to it and email them to you. I’ll do that for each one if you like…
Just reading this thread. It took some time lol, quite ironic as HG has clearly spent a lot of time responding to comments in this conversation.
I am new to the blog and have not read through all of the archives so probably should not comment, but hey!
It is my belief that all the answers people need are in the articles and books themselves, the detail of information given covers every facet.
It’s great to share our stories and speak with one each another in regards to experience, to support each other.
But if there is a want for HG’s involvement, If there is a need to relate information to an individual situation, I’m guessing this is why HG offers consultations with readers.
I’m sure any change in HG’s approach is indicative of the demand on his time, best not to take it personally, because it really is not personal at all…
just my opinion, piping Down now !!! Back in my box …
Fair observations Quasi.
Many of the answers can be found in my books and articles – the search function is rather useful actually!
Lengthy situations and bespoke enquiries are the preserve of consultations. This is because people can give me more information and I can spend more time analysing that and also conveying more information. I want to ensure the accurate answer is given, rather than do so off half the picture (I appreciate people do this inadvertently).
Some questions have been answered previously and whilst I do answer certain repeated ones, occasionally they will not be answered, not because I am ignoring the questioner but because the answer is out there.
El amor es aburrido.
El amor es aburrido.
¡Bah!
Pasado un tiempo, no mucho, pierde su brillo, y el vacío regresa. Bueno… En realidad, siempre ha estado ahí.
Nadie puede llenarlo.
Y el helado de fresa es aburrido también.
I am very happy to share and answer any questions you might have. Hell, I might even do so honestly 🙂
As for the author, I’d be happy to send you the details privately, but do not wish to give her more fuel by naming her here.
Brilliant article!
Your insight continues to amaze me.
I hope you will indulge my curiosity.
I recall reading that you don’t like to tango with personality disordered females.
May I ask why?
Have you done so in the past?
It seems to me that in choosing the caring, empathetic, trusting, eager-to- please type every time, you are in a way limiting yourself to strawberry ice cream.
Whilst yes, there are undeniable advantages to dating a “copy of a copy”, such as being pretty much assured that the same tactics would work, where’s the challenge?
Aren’t you setting yourself up for boredom?
A disordered woman would give you a roller coaster ride you’d never forget and the opportunity to sharpen your claws like no other 😉
We like to be in control, we see through many of the tactics, we know how to play the games and are not afraid to fight very dirty to get our way.
And no, I am most definitely not volunteering. But I can honestly tell you that I had never had such fuel as when I managed to win with my narcissist ex. Over and over again. We are talking rocket fuel that had me on a high for days at a time.
He was also responsible for giving me the worst grief of my life, but there in lies the fun.
It’s all well and good to play with fluffy bunnies, but playing with another big cat is a whole other game…
Interesting proposition. I regard the expenditure of the energy in dealing with such an individual too great irrespective of the potential quality of fuel that might be gathered. I am confident that my superiority would come to bear and I would naturally triumph but there are lots of ways of getting my fuel, from different responses and from different people that uses far less energy.
Actually, I was up for it until you said you were not volunteering. Spoilsport.
Reads like you had a blast with your ex but perhaps he just was not made of stern material eh?
Thanks for the compliment about the article and for contributing. Would you like some strawberry ice cream?
Apologies, I was busy talking about myself and missed answering your question. Common occurrence. I don’t engage with them for the reason set out in my first reply ( energy expenditure v perceived fuel gain). Have I tangoed with personality disordered ladies previously. I have. They were not of our kind however.
Thank you for indulging me.
It actually makes more sense to me now, the energy expenditure vs fuel gain. My ex, whilst certainly being convinced he is a man of your calibre, was only so in his own delusional mind.
I could never understand why he would go out of his way to surround himself with sycophantic, utterly desperate women. The stink of desperation disgusts me and I have no tolerance for ass kissers, but he seemed to be unable to give it up, even as it was eroding every other aspect of his life.
I guess that’s why he was also drawn to borderline disordered women. It is ridiculously easy to provoke a meltdown from, or to hoover, one of them. Endless, near effortless drama…
Thank you for helping me to understand better.
As for me, as wonderful and charming as you seem, I don’t think you’d like me very much. My preferred fuel comes from hurting and provoking narcissists. Hell, a certain “sociopath” author had a major meltdown, openly, where she declared me to be “the worst this world has to offer” 😀
You are welcome. Yes those of the BDP variety have such a tissue thin “skin” that generating a meltdown in them is very easy and accordingly provides a delicious jet of fuel.
I’m not interested in whether I like you or not, although I happen to (so far!) I am far more interested in learning more about your experiences and outlook. I know I won’t be getting any fuel from you since any coupling between us would result in a fight over the resource rather than the provision of the same. I am interested to learn who the author is. Care to throw some initials my way?
Love that Kat. I take totally the same attitude now. Once you know how the narcs mind works it is so easy to cause them narc injury. I’ve been having so much fun doing this !! Of course I know I will likely pay for this, but, it’s worth it !!
Great website HG I’ve read all your posts and have many questions. Tho my N loves the PDs as well as CDs and empaths. He has a few other differences but essentially does all the things you do. Your books have given me great insight – thank you. I too don’t mind providing a bit of supply if my needs are being met.
Hi Alexis, thank you for posting and I am pleased you are finding the books and the blog insightful, that is the aim. Do feel free to ask away and tell us more about your narc,I am sure other readers will be interested to know more.
Just for clarity what I mean by ‘bombed’ was that there was no flattery at all or very little, it was just incescent messaging.
Baudelaire knew all about the HURT:
Madrigal triste (Sad Madrigal)
I
what care I, love, that thou be wise?
be fair! be sad! for tears contain
an added charm in lovely eyes,
like vales a river glorifies;
the rose is fresher in the rain.
I love thee best when joy has fled
thy cowering brow and eyes aghast;
when all thy heart is drowned in dread;
when life for thee is overspread
by dreadful storm-clouds from the past.
I love thee when thy heart’s distress
pours blood-warm from thy streaming eye;
when, notwithstanding my caress,
thine anguish in its heaviness
bursts from thee like a dying cry.
celestial rapture ’tis to breathe
— like some profound melodious hymn —
the sobs that in thy bosom seethe,
for me thy heart grows bright beneath
the pearls upon those eyes abrim!
II
I know what long infernal hours
thy heart, with loves uprooted crammed,
flames like a forge in leaping flowers;
I know that in thy bosom glowers
some of the pride of all the Damned;
and yet, my dear, till fate contrives
that all thy dreams resemble hell,
and, in an endless nightmare’s gyves,
musing of poisons and of knives,
craving for steel and bursting shell,
fearful when opening to a knock,
full of a boundless vast distrust
and quivering at the striking clock,
thou liest crushed beneath the rock
of irresistible Disgust,
thou canst not, o my queen and slave
who lovest me with shuddering,
here in the Night’s unwholesome grave,
cry from thy heart, that shrieking cave:
“I am thine equal, o king!”
~ Charles Baudelaire, Les Fleurs Du Mal
Translated into English by — Lewis Piaget Shanks, Flowers of Evil (New York: Ives Washburn, 1931)
Original French version (so much more beautiful!):
Madrigal triste
I
Que m’importe que tu sois sage?
Sois belle! Et sois triste! Les pleurs
Ajoutent un charme au visage,
Comme le fleuve au paysage;
L’orage rajeunit les fleurs.
Je t’aime surtout quand la joie
S’enfuit de ton front terrassé;
Quand ton coeur dans l’horreur se noie;
Quand sur ton présent se déploie
Le nuage affreux du passé.
Je t’aime quand ton grand oeil verse
Une eau chaude comme le sang;
Quand, malgré ma main qui te berce,
Ton angoisse, trop lourde, perce
Comme un râle d’agonisant.
J’aspire, volupté divine!
Hymne profond, délicieux!
Tous les sanglots de ta poitrine,
Et crois que ton coeur s’illumine
Des perles que versent tes yeux.
II
Je sais que ton coeur, qui regorge
De vieux amours déracinés,
Flamboie encor comme une forge,
Et que tu couves sous ta gorge
Un peu de l’orgueil des damnés;
Mais tant, ma chère, que tes rêves
N’auront pas reflété l’Enfer,
Et qu’en un cauchemar sans trêves,
Songeant de poisons et de glaives,
Éprise de poudre et de fer,
N’ouvrant à chacun qu’avec crainte,
Déchiffrant le malheur partout,
Te convulsant quand l’heure tinte,
Tu n’auras pas senti l’étreinte
De l’irrésistible Dégoût,
Tu ne pourras, esclave reine
Qui ne m’aimes qu’avec effroi,
Dans l’horreur de la nuit malsaine
Me dire, l’âme de cris pleine:
«Je suis ton égale, ô mon Roi!»
~ Charles BAUDELAIRE, Les fleurs du mal
English translation:
By the way I ♥️Baudelaire! Nobody captured the essence of ‘the dance’ between the narc and his prey better than him! Another example:
The Vampire (1857)
http://fleursdumal.org/poem/128
Very well put.
VERY SEXY,,YES THE NARCISSIST SEDUCTION IS SO TEMPING MINE WITH HIS DEEP FRENCH INTONATIONS. I KNOW WHAT HE IS NOW BUT HE STILL HAS HIS POWERS 👄🎻🍷😈🔥💋
This article answers a lot of questions for me. I have always wondered why can’t I just be a good source of high quality supply? At one time I was willing to sacrifice myself to do that. I often thought why does the hate have to get just a little worse each time? Over a period of 6 yrs I finally woke up. He’s in jail now because of me and I fear what he’ll do when he gets out in a few months. Also, I don’t know if you have even been in jail but I wondered how does a narc survive in jail and how would he get his supply?
Thank you for the work you do. It has help me tremendously.
Hello Elizabeth, thanks for the post and I am pleased the article provides you with answers. I have not been in prison (at least I have never been sent there as a punishment although I have, for professional reasons been inside several). How might a narc get his supply in prison? Simple. He has a mobile phone smuggled in and uses this (combined with access to the landline there is inside a prison) to continue to push and pull victims in order to generate fuel. He will also identify those he can control within the prison (prisoners and staff) and cause them to marvel at his brilliance by talking about the crimes he has committed but not been convicted of, his tales of derring do and using his skill at charm and manipulation to wow a coterie of admirers. In certain instances he might even adopt a homosexual relationship (although he defines himself as straight) in order to use sex as a manipulative tool for a particular victim. Those charged with aiding and securing his rehabilitation (probation staff, therapists, social workers and the like) will provide him with sufficient play things whilst inside, as they will be trying to fix him and will pander to his needs. Glad the writing is helping you and do keep contributing.
The sad thing is if you had the ability to actually get to know me, you would see that strawberry ice cream is just my surface. The deeper you go you would find many different flavors and surprises all wanting to be laid out for you feast upon. But, I know why you only sample the ice cream. If you truly accepted and devoured all of me, I would be inside of you and I would know you. You can’t have that. You don’t want me to see you are hollow or the rot that lays beneath the surface. So, instead you try to make me believe I am JUST strawberry ice cream and that hardly anyone likes strawberry ice cream.
The reality is because you only enjoy the fleeting moments of savoring the surface all you actually get to taste is ice cream. It may look different but you never get to the center of anyone, which is where the true delicacies are.
And what I have found in my time of begging and pleading with you to let me in, to dig deeper and see who I truly am and how much I love you…YOU are the one that is actually ice cream. A flavorless brand that takes on my strawberry attributes so that you can pretend to bear fruit but actually you are just ice cold and empty.
Truthfully I want to believe that if I hold on long enough your icy exterior will melt and together we can discover what is truly deep down inside you. I would be so willing to patiently wait with you and explore whatever appeared no matter how unsavory. But, I have to accept that you are content to be frozen solid ice cream. It takes me so long just to get the smallest spoonful to enjoy. Now sadly I know I’m lactose intolerant and am looking for a warmer meal.
WOW! You nailed it.
The creature willingly looks at the façade of the mansion, it wants to enter our shiny entry hall, creep into out boudoir and forcefully tricks us into opening a back-door here and there, or eben the door to our Secret Garden (you know- those doors we never dared to open for anyone else before…), but just when we have allowed that to happen, it simply stops opening any doors at all. Instead, it backs off backwards, for no apparent reason whatsover.
What about the many other rooms we wanted to show to the creature? We had just started to unlock the doors, dust off those treasures hidden inside of them and put beautiful flowers on the table… and now, the creature doesn’t even put one foot into our entry hall!?!
We’ve done our very best to make it feel good and welcome and safe because we sensed it had been hurt in past, but it simply doesn’t see or notices us any more.
What did we think anyway? Why should our mansion be of any lasting interest to the creature when they are millions and millions of other, different, better, new mansion façades and entry halls to
break into.
Such is the never-ending ‘narc game.’
All those rooms and gardens of our mansions are still fascinating, unique and full of treasures. A micro-cosmos. The narc does not even have a real fore-yard of his own! He has no genuine taste, no flavour, not even a body odour of his own.
So know your worth, ladies! 😊
“not even a body odour of his own.”
Grenouille in Patrick Süskind’s Perfume: The Story of a Murderer. Also the inspiration for Nirvana C’s “Scentless Apprentice”:
Like most babies smell like butter
His smell smelled like no other
He was born scentless and senseless
He was born a scentless apprentice
Hey
Go away, go away
Every wet nurse refused to feed him
Electrolytes smell like semen
I promise not to sell your perfumed secrets
There are countless formulas for pressing flowers
Hey
Go away, go away
Go away
I lie in the soil and fertilize mushrooms
Leaking out gas fumes are made into perfume
You can’t fire me because I quit
Throw me in the fire and I won’t throw a fit
Hey
Go away, go away
Go away, go away
Go away, go away
Go away
Hello Wow, many thanks for your reply and apologies in the delay at getting round to responding. I must admit I do like what you have written, I think it is insightful and well-observed and your comment about being lactose intolerant at the end did amuse me. Bravo you! Now, since you are looking for a warmer meal how about I take you out for a delicious slice of heated up humble pie? Don’t worry about me, I won’t be eating any!
Now there’s truth in that . In the end what I thought was special has turned out to be very common and common is a dime a dozen.
So how long does it normally take before you start showing your true nature? My ex narc. Is dating a woman who makes alot of coin and while she’s had a couple red flags already she chooses to not ask questions such as I did. And would explain why he got away fast. Oh but he came back shortly after even tho he’s with her. I don’t know how he does it. He has 0 things in common with her, hates her kids, and finds her boring and yes money is the key factor but how does he keep up the facade and for a year already?
Hi Becky, thankyou for your post and apologies for the delay in replying. How long does it take before the beast within starts to make an appearance? There is no set time to be frank, although I would say it usually measured in months rather than years, although there have been some occasions where I have breached the one year barrier. It depends on the nature of the fuel that I am extracting. I usually tire of your positive fuel after a number of months, but if I am getting it from elsewhere in sufficient quantities I do not feel the pressing need to flick the switch with you. With your ex narc he is clearly receiving the positive supply from her and I suspect may be using the kids as means of generating negative fuel since he hates them, this enables him to sustain his façade with her and keep matters positive. Ask yourself this; is he getting any fuel from you as well?
Do you “flick the switch” intentionally but unaware narcissists would do so unknowingly? And if outside fuel delays, possible indefinitely, your need to flick the switch, is that an indicator that the pro social is working?
I flick the switch intentionally because it entertains me to do so, to be able to inflict malice on people, to make them pay for their transgressions and to allow them to experience the application of power. Unaware narcissists do so instinctively, not knowing what and why they are taking that step.
As I thought, thank you for the reply.
Nice that you’re back HG. 🙂
You are welcome.
“I flick the switch intentionally because it entertains me to do so, to be able to inflict malice on people, to make them pay for their transgressions”
HG,
Do you have a specific hierarchy of transgressions? I ask because, obviously, in the case of interacting with a narcissist, empaths and others “transgress” unintentionally much of the time.
There is no hierarchy, it is a decision based on the information pertinent at the appropriate time. Nobody is exempt.
Thank-you for your reply.
@HG
So if you exhibit malice intentionally, would it then be possible for you to control it for the rest of your life or does there come a point where you just explode?
There are occasions where I deem it entirely appropriate for it to be unleashed. I am controlling it still though.
@HG
Okay this leads me to another question… do you experience/feel stress?
Do you ever “flip the switch” just because things are to calm? Does peace make you feel unsettled? Does the narcissism make you invent a transgression in order for you to lash out? Ya know, shake things up a bit?
It is done to achieve the prime aims. If calm is preventing the achievement of those aims, then the switch will be flipped.
Would it be reasonable to say mistresses could actually be helpful to a long term partner in some cases ? As they could extract their negative fuel from them, while mainting the facade at home.
Or is it generally the opposite ? The affair partner gets the “fun” charming one while the long term partner ensures the majority of the abuse.
You are correct, it is generally the opposite. The IPPS is in sustained devaluation hence why the narcissist is conducting an affair with a mistress who is the IPSS.
Thank you