No.
Lots of people have trouble with saying no. It carries with it the connotation of negativity, obstruction and disappointment. People much prefer to say yes. I know that you and your kind really do struggle with saying no. You prefer to be regarded as a can-do kind of person, positive and accommodating. You also find it difficult to say no to people as you really do not like to see the disappointment on their face should you respond in this way. It makes you feel bad and accordingly, you either avoid saying it in the first place or you change your mind if you have said it. Occasionally, you will take refuge in the realm of uncertainty.
“I will think about it.”
“We shall see.”
“Let me reflect and I will come back to you.”
“I just need to check something, but I think it should be okay.”
You want to say no, but you find that you are unable to and therefore you trot out one of these insipid responses and ultimately you will end up saying yes. We know this is a common trait of yours and something we rely on and play on. We are aware that you do not like to say no and therefore we will press and cajole to ensure you say yes. Do not make the mistake of thinking that we need your validation and approval. Far from it. We do what we want. We like to hear you say yes because it underlines our power over you. We can always make you say yes. Sometimes you do it straight away (especially if we have you conditioned correctly). On other occasions it requires some persuasion and in the remainder of cases we need to pull out our manipulative tool kit to achieve the desired result, but we always get there. You are designed to say yes, we programme you to say yes and you do so even if it is ultimately detrimental to you. You feel you need to please and that need is greatest when it comes to us.
By contrast we are firm disciples of the word “no”. It is a word of strength. It is commanding and authoritative. Those who can say no have fortitude, steel and resilience. We say it regularly. We are untroubled by the fallen expression, the noises of disappointment and pleading. In fact, should you beg and plead we will just keep saying no and sit back and enjoy the fuel that you provide to us by your behaviour. Beseech us, blackmail us, bribe us and bombard us with requests, nay, demands to say yes and every time we will bat you back with a firm no as we savour your increasing anger, frustration and upset.
We do not associate the word no with negativity. We see it as a positive word. It is one that enables us to assert and maintain our superiority. We are able to use it to control you and keep you in your place. We are fully aware that whoever is on the receiving end of the word no automatically feels bad because they have been denied something.
“No I do not want to have dinner with you tonight.”
“No, you cannot borrow my car this evening.”
“No, you cannot go out with your friends tomorrow evening.”
It takes guts and integrity to say no. You struggle to say it because you are used to being exploited and taken for granted. You may try and dress it up as being someone who always helps and is a facilitator but the reality is you end up being used. Notice how in those instances above where I stated no, I did not give a reason for the refusal, I just said no. That takes real strength. I do not need to fall into providing explanations for my decision. It is my decision, the answer is no, that is an end to it. I can do this because I am not accountable. I can do this because I do not feel bad when witnessing the disappointment of others. This enables me to achieve more and avoid being burdened unnecessarily.
You can learn a lot from my use of the word no. Just do not think of ever using it towards me. That’s a big no.
14 thoughts on “No.”
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“No.” is a complete sentence.
Ha ha! No wonder my ex got so irate at times! I don’t mind a thoughtful “no” when accompanied by the courteous explanation. But “no” said as if I were a child who must simply take “no” for an answer was infuriating to me. I always pushed back and demanded some kind of reason. Not that she always gave one, but she had her own rage to keep her company, regardless, as she stormed into the other room to escape my questions and refusal to be put off. Wow, she really isn’t a very good narcissist if she thought I would be someone who would tolerate that crap just because I value truth, integrity, and have empathy.
I always Said yes – he always said no. Didnt even realise it was just another way to further control me. Just thought he couldn’t/wouldn’t/shouldn’t do whatever i asked. I asked rarely because of that. Totally utterly Puppeteered, no?
Ha ha ha I’ve learnt to say NO while raising my kids and it’s my favourite word. I use it without hesitation but I choose when not to 🙂 free will of mine.
Very good post, and very timely for me, because N in my life has resurrected with one of his typical hoovers:
“Dear Alice, I realized that the concept of `platonic friend-ship´ doesn´t work for me either. What shall we do? I am in town this and next week! Kisses.”
Duh! How can they be so predictible?!?
May I add that this was
– two months since this episode https://narcsite.wordpress.com/2015/10/29/a-lack-of-fidelity/comment-page-1/#comment-987
– after 2+4+4+2 months of no contact on my part
(the `+´ signs mark short episodes when I gave in and broke no contact, to no avail whatsoever, of course;-))
– exactly a year since we last met in person.
And I know that I have what he needs. And he knows that. But I won´t give it to him any more. I know what I need to know by now:-)
Oh, and… sometimes, the best way to say `no´ is not to say anything at all, not to react. Like in that British proverb `Never complain, never explain.´ This is my roadmap with the N.
It torments the N, but eventually, it will make him move on one way or another.
I feel kind of sorry for him, but the craving has faded, the desire for for his physical presence, for connection or at least closure is gone (?1?). Yes, gone! YAY!!! :-))) The closure came from somewhere else, possibly the Universe or God or I made it there myself. who knows?
Now I have recovered and feel full of energy. I feel alive and free again! And those soulful blue eyes of mine are ready for a new, better adventure;-)
Kelly -is his name Ian?
Nope not Ian. Why, do you have one too who likes to dress as women? Interesting insight about stealing identities. I wonder how many narcs cross dress. He kept it hidden from me for 6 years. I found women’s undergarments in his drawer when we first started dating. I figured it was just the girl before me. I was like “man, you dated a large woman!” Haha!!
I don’t cross dress but when I am Jennifer at weekends I do! In all seriousness, I do keep women’s lingerie in the house for manipulative purposes (and before you try and insinuate anything they are far too small for me!) I have never been compelled to cross dress and of those of my kind that do, I wonder how much of it is linked to a sexual thrill or is it more about the assumption of the identity. I think that it is latter.
Satan and I fought and argued all the time because I would say no and give no reason.
Satan-“Can you consign a car note for me?”
Me- “no”
Satan “why not”
Me- “I don’t have to give you a reason why I am saying no. The answer is no and don’t bring up this subject again ”
Satan “wow”
10 mins later, Satan _”I’ll leave you alone for the rest of the day I hope you get some rest.”
And I would ignore him until he texted again. He kept saying I needed to change, I needed to find new friends etc. But I had no problem saying no. In fact I said no more times than I said yes. But then again. He was a low functioning narcissist sociopath. My stint in hell was short. 2 months.
Interesting, you sound challenging, we should have dinner.
Mine’s not smart enough to be called Satan. He’s Satan’s tool. Haha. But I call him Nancy cause he likes to dress in women’s clothes and no one knows but me.
I think a few more people know now! That made me smile. Look at it this way; he likes to steal the identities of others so he is just taking it to its logical conclusion by stealing their clothes too!
Kelly – Is his name Ian?
You’ve just described me. I just said to my husband “no” last week and I believe he lost control, started insulting me and so on. I know he will always go back and forth on his personality and that’s made me become very detached. I wonder though was there ever an incident where someone said no to you.