A Lack of Support
We don’t provide support. We are too concerned with ourselves and our daily hunt for the fuel that we need to be concerned about you. We are engrossed in our own world and have no interest in yours. The only time we pay attention to you is when you are providing us with fuel or you stop providing us with fuel. Everything we do is focussed around us. This is because we have to obtain fuel, as without we will disintegrate. The hunger for this fuel is never ending and accordingly all of our energy must be applied towards obtaining it. This leaves us with nothing left over for anyone else.
Being a caregiver yourself, you would like to think that the person who you share your life with, or who you work closely with, would be amenable to providing you with support. That may mean giving you emotional support when you are experiencing a difficult time or taking the strain allowing you to lessen the burden on yourself. You give and you are happy to do so, therefore why should they not do so as well? That is the outlook of someone normal operating by the norms and rules of your world. Those do not apply to us. We cannot provide you with support since we have nothing available to do so.
Added to that we do not know how to provide emotional support. Yes we can see how chores can be done and the like. We also have observed the ways that you provide emotional support to other people and we know the phrases that are used, the expressions that are formed on people’s faces and the gestures that are made. We have seen all that and we could trot all that out. In fact we have done in the past. We did this when we were seducing you. When we wanted you to divulge about your weaknesses and vulnerabilities this will have invariably saddened you and upset you. It may even have caused an episode where you need emotional support. We were happy to go through the motions then because we were at the stage of investing in your in order to get our fuel. We were content to make the right noises, give you a hug and make the panacea that is the cup of tea. All of this was learned from others. We did not feel anything for you. We could not put ourselves in your shoes (heaven forbid that would ever happen) and we could not empathise with what you were experiencing and nor can we ever do that. Yet again, we conned you into thinking that we are a caring and selfless person. We demonstrated such an approach when we were first together and that attracted you to us. This raised expectations that you could rely on us and turn to us when the need arose. It is all false.
Furthermore, when you need support and expect it from us, you are showing to us how you are weak. We despise weakness. You will find that our kind is rarely found near children, the infirm and ill and the elderly. This is because they are all weak and want support regularly. We do not want to be reminded of that fact. We cannot be bothered with you cluttering up our route to fuel. An exhibition of weakness infuriates us. A normal person would see someone in a position of weakness and deign to help and assist. We have seen how this is a natural reaction in normal people. It will not happen with us.
If you are fortunate, we will absent ourselves from the situation in an instant. We will generate some urgent reason; find a pressing engagement we had forgotten about in order to ensure we can get away from you and your ailment, woe or injury. You probably will never see us move as quick when it comes to getting away from somebody who needs help. If we are unable to exit the situation then we may just stand and look at you. You could be reaching out to us, eyes filled with tears of pain, asking for help and we will just give you a blank stare. We know we ought to be helping you, convention and observation has told us this, but we cannot do so. We are unable to leave but we are also unable to help you. This requires compassion and we do not have any. It requires us to us our energies to help you out and we are forbidden from doing so.
Our ultimate reaction where you need support from us is to go on the offensive. The uncomfortable feeling that you have generated inside of us makes us feel less powerful and smacks of inferiority. We know of only one way to banish such a sensation. We need to reassert our power and that means we must lash out at you. It becomes necessary to subject you to further insults and denigrating comments, at a time when you are feeling hurt and vulnerable.
“What are you crying for? I have had worse happen to me.”
“I am sick and tired of you being pathetic. Deal with it.”
“I bet (insert name of triangulated individual) would not make such a song and dance about it like you do.”
“It’s only a dog, you can get another one. Seriously, what a display over a dumb animal.”
“You are hysterical, you need to get help.”
“Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about.”
“That’s right; make it about you on my special day.”
We will lash out at you with these words in order to make you feel worse and ourselves feel better because that is all we care about. We fooled you into thinking that we care about you. That is a fallacy. Do not expect us to support you.
Demonstrating our legendary hypocrisy we will expect you to always be there for us. When we have a need you must attend to it straight away, even if you are experiencing difficulties yourself. When we have a scratch we expect you to make it better even though you might be bleeding to death before us. As with so much of our behaviour we do not regard the way we act towards you as meaning you should behave the same way towards us. If you chopped us in half you would most likely find this stencilled through us like lettering on a stick of rock
“Do as I say, not do as I do.”
32 thoughts on “A Lack of Support”
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Wow. I knew something was wrong when my husband was called into the ER when I had mono and 104.1 fever. When I regained consciousnesses he scolded me bc he was called away from work (sales mgr with many sources of secondary and tertiary supply). He couldn’t be bothered with taking care of me, but feigned concern when nurses came in. I thought he was just a world class arsehole, but I see I am doomed.
He has forbidden me from working, instigated a falling out between my friend group (smear campaign), leaving me with no support system to leave. I see that was carefully orchestrated.
How does one leave in such a situation when a narc has successfully isolated his primary supply. I’m not even on the bank account (bc I’m bad with money, according to my narc). Have you written about this yet?
I recommend you arrange a consultation to address your personal situation.
Interesting here as I’ve met many like this and of course I was over the top emotional. “You’re too emotional.” In this last relationship I found that in the beginning, he did tend to my wounds as though they were his own, not as the narcissist he truly is, but as the facade of a mainstream human being with empathy. Then one day I noticed he to be wearing a very demoniacal smirk. It’s as if he didn’t want me to witness it but he did, otherwise I wouldn’t have. Eventually [over the years] the smirks became uncontrollable laughter to him. I was blindly in love with a madman.
Hello Mr. Tudor. I recently found you and am pouring over your work. It has been very helpful. May I ask, have you or will you ever talk about narcissistic parents? Thank you
Hello IN, I have done so in some articles so if you use the search function that should assist you. There will be a book addressing this in the future.
Thank you. I look forward to it.
That’s obvious You don’t but on the other hand I wouldn’t demand it from You…
Why would you not demand it?
Because that’s not who You are… and You are free strong individual and You must remain one…why would I want to trap You in fake reality?
Noted and understood.
I’m going through this very thing now. Isolated and abandoned by my Narc for being sick. Which I wouldn’t be if I wasn’t suffering a life-time of Narc abuse! I so appreciate you admitting to us that these things are done deliberately for the extraction of our misery. Reminds me of Randal from Monsters Inc. Chamelian reptile slithering in to extract screams and cries not knowing or understanding or caring or agreeing or seeing that the power of love/laughter is stronger, brighter and much more beautiful enjoyable and fun! But those are the things that you Narcs love to stomp out! I am drained of my essence and completely bewildered. These blogs are validating me so much! Not ONE has ever admitted anything to me! YOU are doing it! First time I got in touch with reality under the Narc spells I was under, was when I wrote down the actual facts inspite of the lies that were spewing at me like a machine gun! The TRUTH WILL SET US FREE! Thank you for telling us. Inspite of all the rotten horrible abuses my brain still pines for him! I know it’s just a chemical addiction to him now and not love. These posts are keeping me strong from going back or reaching out! I’m so lonely now. Doing this is helps. I need to get well before I can even even try to find new friends. Your descriptions and my track record makes me afraid to ever trust another man and his motives
Hello Heather, I am pleased you are finding the blog posts helpful. Keep reading and this will increase your understanding and assist you in achieving freedom.
Hello HG, I’ve been reading your site. Very intriguing. I know your kind well. Ouch! It’s good you’re writing this stuff on here even though much of it has triggered me. Fascinating. Thanks.
Hello Peaches, thank you for your post, I am sure you will find it of assistance even though it is uncomfortable, but then the truth often is.
I’m here reading each post every day and I just found these replies…I can only read it on my phone. Amazon won’t take my postal code but I’m opening a new account. I’ve been busy taking care of the xn who was diagnosed with cancer last week. Thanks for answering my questions HG.
This is how I understood something was wrong. The blank stare I got when I broke two toes and he didnt want to do anything to help me. All he did was tell the story how he went to work two days after breaking his foot. Ive been reading everything I can find on this subject since. My last marriage was a narc, realized too late of course. Ive done it again….
Hi Rose. So what are you going to do about it?
Oh I have some appalling stories of lack of support. When I had a large painful mass found on my ovary and was going through testing to see if it was cancer my husband freaked out about not being able to have sex. Zero empathy or support for what I was going through because his need for sex was of more importance. He literally told me that He posted on facebook that if I didn’t give it up he was going to start taking it from me. And started locking himself in the bedroom to watch porn. Middle of the day, house full of kids. Truly disgusting behavior. This continued for year while I layed in bed slowly dying instead of live and support I got what alternated between angry rages and complete rejection because I was too sick for sex. And so much more. He abandoned me with four kids when my mother was dying, moving 4hrs away, and just told me to come along when we could despite me telling him she’d been given about a YEAR to live. Lied to everyone that would listen when we separated telling them I was a psycho, a bad parent, never contributed to the family, etc and left him for something completely ridiculous. Literally posted on facebook that I tried to prevent him from the things that “makes life worth living”, not his family, but his hobbies. I ruined his life by getting sick. And I paid dearly for it.
What a sad story LB…. 🌷🌷😢
I agree with survivednarc
“I see some glimpses of a longing, for something else. Your posts about the Sanctuary, ……”
But i feel youre not ready yet to accept it…
I don’t want to like your blog but I do, because you are helping me gain true clarity of the cruel behavior from my husband I endured everyday of my life. It is helping me to continue to move forward in my life without him.
Thank you. I am pleased you are gaining clarity. That is part of what I am doing by providing you with my perspective to enable you to gain a different and visceral viewpoint to aid your understanding.
“This is called life. But you wanted to experience the work life.” My husband said to me as one day I told him about the daily struggles of my work life. So from then on, determined to make it through, I only said anything sparingly and to the point why bother talking about it only to hear, “I told you so.”
Scary how much I can relate to this post, lived every word of it (from the non-narc side). But it is a shame you don’t get to experience the deep bond that forms when 2 ppl help and support each other. It’s quite an amazing experience, in my opinion.☺
How would that bond matter to me when what I do now serves its purpose for me?
Hmm, you say that it’s serving ita purpose. But sometimes when I read your blog, I get the feeling that your way isn’t 100% fulfilling for you. I have read all of your blog, and I think I see some glimpses of a longing, for something else. Your posts about the Sanctuary, the beast inside, etc. I see them as clues to something else. Maybe a longing to experience true love, true connection. I may be wrong, if so, that’s OK. You know I am ever hopeful though.😄
I think it’s a desire for control.
I agree, I think that is a part of it, too.
Because its the same as being vulnerable, who wants to give in knowing you’ll get hurt.
I am never fulfilled, that much is true, the hunger drives me onwards. If only I was not so hungry but then that is all I have ever known.
And I’ll still hope for you to one day feel full and satisfied, content, happy, at peace.☺
Keep that hope flowing survivednarc, makes me feel all fuzzy for you.