A Sense of Purpose
In one exchange with hissy fit Hannah, she of the perfectly poised potty mouth, I was blundering my way through the Madness of King George and my off kilter timing was causing her to explode once again. Her script had been thrown to the ground and the papers lay scattered. She was ramrod stiff and her tiny feet seemed nailed to the floor as they did not move. Instead, she seemed to move only from the ankle, the rest of her body in perfect alignment as she jolted from side to side. Her caustic tongue went into over time and I stood with a false perplexed look on my face conveying that I was mystified as to what was causing her such concern.
“You do this on purpose don’t you?” she accused. Those small round brown eyes glinted with the fury that coursed through her. I must admit, other than my own rage, I do not think that anybody who I have ever met has come anywhere near to the seething outrage that Hannah used to feel. Were it not for her magnanimous nature and her ability to take an interest in people you might have thought that she was one of my kind. She was very good at making people feel wanted. Notwithstanding her degree of fame, she made time for people and welcomed listening to them and asking about them. She actually preferred for people to talk about themselves rather her having to speak about herself. She took pride in the calibre of her performance, enjoyed the decent money she commanded as well but ultimately it was all about the performance. Something I could identify with.
“It is not difficult to do HG, it really is not,” she ranted “You used to be so damn good at doing this, much like everything else in our relationship. I don’t know what has happened to you, but you seem to have lost your sense of purpose. I admired you because you tackle everything head on and you are usually brilliant at everything you turn your hand to, but I am beginning to wonder if your power has peaked. Are you losing it? This is shambolic, you are useless, absolutely useless.”
She then descended into combining a thesaurus with profanity as she found every synonym she could for incompetence and interspersed these descriptions with a heavy serving of swear words. Her breath was coming in staccato bursts as she built herself into a frenzy, her cheeks reddening as her voice rose and rose.
“I really do have to ask, for what purpose God put you on this earth?”
Finally she stopped and she held my gaze. I could feel the fire ignite inside me as for once she had created the spark. The flames leapt into life, the heat surging upwards through me. She had questioned my purpose. She was challenging my existence. Who did she think she was? My eyes narrowed as I savoured the vitriol that now pumped through my body, the rising malice giving me power and reminding me that I am the supreme authority and she is but dust on the wind. Already the schemes of manipulation flickered through my racing my mind like a thousand screens showing trailers for the malevolence that would be unleashed on this thespian for her audacity in questioning my purpose.
I felt the words form in my throat and the anger came soaring with them as I strode up to her. She remained defiant, still in that strange stiff pose and she did not shirk despite the clear intent signalled by my rapid walk towards her. I thrust my face into hers, eyeball to eyeball and with incandescent rage burning through me I yelled into her face,
“I was invented by God to test your belief in him.”
She blinked once and then again. The edifice immediately cracked and came crashing down as she let out a howl of upset and her eyes filled with tears.
Nobody does rage like me.
Nobody delivers the final line like me.
Nobody questions my purpose.
38 thoughts on “A Sense of Purpose”
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“I was invented by God to test your belief in him.”
It’s working. Test. Test. Test. 🎤
this post amused me somehow…I was giggling whilst reading the answer You have given her for purpose of You existence…I do think You said it in anger but You know it’s not Your purpose here… Your purpose here is to please me with Your incredible existence. ..
I know…well wait..unless his public finds out…then again stet…he becomes angry and then shames us…you are right…I rescind my statement of being ashamed….:)
which leads me to wonder why the ExN called me as a ‘friend’….he always said we are friends and I can be relied on. What a slap in the face. I hope his new hussie will bring him pleasure, grapes, and fan him with palm leaves…I do wait to hear about what will happen to him…bc again…it’s always inevitable…I want to guess a good case of Herpes? Wishful thinking..Nothing too mean…But enough to make him ashamed of his issue lol 🙂 <3
We don’t do shame though Susan.
I forgot to wish you good luck with your career plans 😃🙏🏻
🙂 Nikita my Undergrad is in Psychology and minored in Sociology, which I learned not much if anything on this topic. My knowledge comes from on the job experience, starting with my Father. I have a CV worth of 40+ years experience being raised by and then committing to men like this.
This is why HGs books made my jaw drop. The words he use, the feelings. These are all things I have seen and witnessed. I read a portion of his ‘Sex’ book last night and closed it out. The one thing he COMPLETELY reinforced which noone ever had before, but I’ve questioned about 2 of my relationships was: “Would or has he engaged in homosexual sex” and he answered it so I closed the book
Also the thing with strippers. 1 Ex left me FOR a stripper (aim high, Ex!) another was in touch w/an old flame who was a stripper and emailed her about ME, saying that I felt intimidated by her beauty (I was IRATE at that and told him that is like me handing a homeless man who hasnt washed for a week, saying HE was intimidated by the homeless mans lifestyle) and the 3rd (I learned later) would PAY strippers to come back to his house for sex…Also a prostitute…they will have sex with anything – HG confirmed it. I always felt it. I questioned 1 about it and he never really became angry – just went silent…..so….
I was accepted into a Grad program for therapy – I took the entrance exams years ago but make a good living in the career I hold now, but with all that I have learned, and how much I see others’ struggle and suffer as I have, I believe I will pursue the professional route…
for now this experience is learned and of course, I read alot of academic books (I have access to Medical Journals through my line of work) and i absorb it – though therapists wait for ‘trials’ and ‘study data’ the best teacher are people like HG, Vaknin, Rosenberg is good as well. And Victims….Victims need education…because they need to know this was NOT their fault. Noone really knows these ppl. I know these ppl. I smell them now….and I blog to help women see the truth if they find me.
Im sorry that your marriage didn work out. Its painful to start over again. But hopefully your body is rested now. My panic attacks and ‘tight’ nerves subsided after about 2 weeks. 1 month to begin moving again (I was catatonic) and about a year to fully see it all for what it is….I loved a robot lol
Hi Susan
Thanks for your words. I like the soft touch in what you write.
Sorry to hear about your ex. Must have been really hard. 😢, but you have done so well.
From the first time of my marriage I dont remember much probably because he dif change. I have lots of hopes for HG based on this.
The next 7 years of my relationship with him he never exhibited again those rages of the first 3 years where he never ever touched me but broke holes into the door, smashed plates to the floor, screamed at me and my daughter, he once even threw his bike into the river when we were doing a bike tour through the woods. All what you can think about except hitting me. I lived terrified and one day left with my clothes and those of my daughter.
But as I said he made some kind of medical therapy that changed him and he never ever exhibited such a behaviour again after we came back for 7 or 8 additional years of marriage, altough he did break my things we he could. I guess he just transformed the way of expressing fury in a way, but also had much less, I have to acknowledege he changed concerning fury, but not enough for me to stay with him because the second part was full of broken promises, silent treatment and egoism. He made a brilliant career and gave us 5th priority and made me responsible for kids and house when I also worked as hard as he did.. Anyway. Its okay my marriage is over. I dont feel sad about it anymore. The mourning is done. 😃. And after so many years and trying and trying you just accept it was not possible and would not work out.
For me has been hard acknowledging I suffered from codependency, that I went from N to N in my life without knowing what was going on and blaming myself for all the failures. In addition comes that you discover that copendency is rooten in the relationship to your parents who you adored and loved with all your life.
I have to tell you that I had tears in my eyes when I read in your blog about the girl with daddy issues.
We 3 mantained a very good relationship with my father despite silent treatment or his emotional abscence because although when he was there he was funny, loving and caring, very giving financially, he was almost never there.
It also made it hard to see how mean he was to my mother and then how lovely he would be to us. He never hit my mom but called her names and put her down in a very diminishing way. I felt guilty my whole life. And my mom was a lovely person and 14 years younger than him.
HGs books were for me life changing also. Specially fuel. As this one helped me understand my father and the other ones my intimate relationship with narcissists.
I had read Sam V before him, but HG made it all real, i could apply it to my life and really understand and feel it.
Besides that the reading itself is such a pleasure. He is such a talented writter.
Its since I discovered this blog part of my everyday to get home and read. Depending also when he posts becuae lately I am not even able to wait to be back home 😃😃 although even if I have read before, I come back read agaik and comment. I like it alot. 😃
Blessings Susan
-n
Thank you Nikita you are very sweet. And strong. And intelligent. Imagine that most women have not one IOTA of a clue. My Ex Husband suffered the consequences of how he dragged me into the dirt of divorce. He falsified to the courts that I was violent and he was scared of ME (though hed stalk and park on my street while separated) He too, punched holes in walls from rage. Hid thousands from me….really made me a new person. I told him in court that he will be very sorry for this, and he knows I can predict the future. He said was already sorry…and I said NO…you will be sorry – really regret this day.
6 months after our last words I received word that he was in an accident where he fled the scene and a 23 yr old man was killed. He ran. He thought that maybe noone saw. He thought of HIS consequence of an ACCIDENT….he was too worried over HIMSELF he forgot that another man could have been saved.
The police found him via a witness and almost got away with it….He was on the news while in court, crying the tears of someone SO regretful of his actions….Tears I knew all too well, when he would hurt me….I quickly turned the video off, because despite how horribly he treated me in the end (he was actually the nicest man I knew while married – prob bc I was so submissive and accepting) I didnt wish this pain on anyone…but I realize he cried for himself…not a dead man nor his familys pain. He cried for himself over an accident that he didnt have to be indicted of vehicular homicide over.
The other ExN at one discard…..that took oh…3 months? He called ME at 3 am from a jailcell because 2 OTHER Supply fought over him at a lounge they all went to….one got a black eye (he ‘pushed her’ out of the way from scratching him profoundly)…….and was charged with Domestic Violence. He talked her out of the charges and they were dropped. Nonetheless….it came back…every time he discarded me something bad happened.
Never underestimate the heart and soul. We are bigger than our bodies. We have spirit. This is the difference for CoDs and Ns. We really do aim to love….an we were damaged well BEFORE they came…and took advantage of that. I never seek revenge…their heart will create their own situation….although someone else will also be to blame….
Tragedy. We bring them into the world and they spit on us like animals.
God is and has done escapees a new chance….this meeting was to say “you are not deserving of this…”
…and you will both take the road that was predestined for you….one day they learn…or at least curb their incessant need to kill women’s souls…it’s just supposed to happen this way…Blessings in disguise they are….they release us from our family dysfunction (if we are smart enough to finally equate the two)
I wish you so much peace and happiness – Virtual hug from NJ, USA 🙂
XOXO – S
Thanks for your words Susan.
I see you had to go through bumpy ways… Seems you became stronger and more resilent like HG tweeted just now.
Alot to be proud of on your side.
Wishing you very good things for the future and sending you another big virtual hug.
M
hi Susan.
Interesting what you say about pleasing. I realize my husband I did please for 12 years as I was the one doing all the work with the kids and he almost nothing.
I did leave after 3 years of marriage because he had turned very agressive yes.
We came back after 3 years pause and he had chamged those rage explosions after his mother made a treatment ( special degree on natural doctor) It worked because he never exploded again in fury like he did im the beggiming.
After 12 years of marriage I decided not to do it anymore, face reality and walk away. I would have done it before but I was terrified with 3 kids. and all the social implicationd of being a single mother
No In normal conditions I dont hang on and let a man treat me like he wants. NO WAY!!
Its true that I do like pleasing men when ai like one. But I dont do it with an objective. I just like to do it.
In my last relationship I did also had to adapt somethings from me to keep him happy but it was all on how we would organize the day. If it was us 2 it was easy going but when it involved the kids it was not so easy as he was not their dad.
i saw it then with HGs book of the devil kit, how I was being manipulated to do things like he wanted in a way that seemed very nice very nice. I had not read the book I would not notice.
So in conclusion yes I like to please the man I am with but I will not stand being treated badly. I dont rage dont respond with hurtful things. I do show I am sad and being hurt and if it does not change I know perfectly where the door is. It takes me a little more time than a normal person but just a little more.. Today after Ross Rossemberg probably even less.
Thanks sgain for the explanation! Nice day ☀️
True Alexis I had also read that and in fact watched a video about an experiment they did with a sample of people showing them scary images and a sad image of a Baby in sufferment and exactly two people did not respond. A baby in sufferement 😱😱😢 and 1 was a woman. I could not believe it.
I had forgotten all about this or at least did not make the connection to HG.
you guys all work in the psychological field?
I spend my days in between numbers and projections 😴😴. Would find it more interesting to be a psychologist. We should be able to pick what we study with 23 and not with 17!!! Anyway susan & alexis . Thanks
alexis the brain isn’t quite scarred, but rather certain areas of the brain that transmit feelings of empathy/love as we know it/compassion don’t fire when the stimuli is presented. Like how in sex, our ‘love’ intensifies as the pleasure response in the brain is stimulated, hence building a bond.
Ns see partners as I like to say ‘rag-dolls’ or ‘blowup dolls with a pulse’….the pleasure they get it to see how great they are, and watching a woman ‘O’ over him…shows how skilled he is.
My ExN always said he didn’t care if he didn’t ‘O’ he cared about me. Conversely I was the exact way with him….I felt more by watching him achieve…..and boy did he LOVE porn…I think he liked it more than sex…bc it was all about him.
I think I went off topic. Sorry – there’s some correlation w/what I intended, though 🙂
If she suggest you start hugging people, then you can ask if you can start with her…the discussion will end quickly, Im sure 🙂
Ha ha.
I think Ive read every book since I discovered HG (this is very recent but he fascinates me) however IDK about the beast. If I can dissect your words, I can imagine what was discussed is that we become them through being a victim? We lose our soul and sense of love the way we knew it?
I am still afraid I dont know how to trust yet havent gotten to the point where I will look for someone to fuel me. I remain moreso agoraphobic. I can smell a N from a mile away now without an issue. My old job (a place I worked almost 9 yrs) had a new assignment and I sensed immediately my Director was a N and I quit within 4 months. I felt panic in her presence so I opted out. I sense ppl around me quickly and if it beings panic I will walk away. They can bring the beast out of you to the point where you commit to losing it. Remember that these are also linked to chemical reactions in the brain. Oxytocin and Adrenaline is what victims are constantly battling through. Highs and lows and eventually our frontal lobe can be affected. As it is said the amygdala of a N is less active than that of a person who feels. Our toxic interaction can cause damage to the brain. I do wonder if mine has. I thought to get a MRI bc I am forgetful now, and stammer….This never was present before the N
They can alter you. Its best to treat yourself – especially if you werent bred to take the beating. I was….very much so…but it still got me…
-S
So if HG has a less active amygadala he should immediatly learn how to cuddle and hug and spoon so that his oxytocin levels become higher as well as the serotonin.
I had not thought about that Susan, that they could have slower segregation of some hormones… Surely not the sexual ones. 😂😂
Please help me to convince him to do such a cuddling therapy. I read there are those professional services.
Cuddling….my skin is crawling Nikita! The only spoon I am interested in is the one for my pudding.
Hahahah HG you are sure missing something!!! Anyway if you are interested in that therapy i can figure out a fair price £ for you . Traveling expenses also on you 😜
Hugging wouldn’t help HG. The amygdala response is basically null. They’ve conducted neurological studies where two sets of people are shown pictures of things like children/animals/murder/death etc. Things that would trip responses in people with healthy neuropathways to react in accordance with the situation.
Cluster B (depending on spectrum) will have no brain response to any of these pictures/videos. Seeing a baby and watching a murder scene evoke no change in brainwave. So no. HG wont get an Oxytocin rush lol…it may want him to rush into the bedroom with a galpal, but really nothing more lol….
Thanks Susan I can fire this at Dr O if she starts suggesting I start hugging everybody.
lol!!!
This is really interesting Susan and nikita, I do recall reading somewhere that the Ns brain is literally scarred in certain places including the amygdala. And therefore any kind of therapy is futile. When we suffer trauma, our brains are also scarred – perhaps not as deeply because most people will make a full recovery.
It’s my understanding – do correct me if I’m wrong HG – that the only way to manipulate / provide therapy for an N is to do it in a manner which uses positive reinforcement only as Ns don’t respond to negative responses, only reward.
Negative responses which are lacking in emotion (which a health professional is likely to provide) are regarded as criticisms by us which ignites our fury, therefore positive reinforcement would be appropriate.
you always know how to articulate what I want to say HG.
It’s like we’ve become one. But then that’s all I ever wanted. 😉
Oh you know just what to say. Just like me.
One more question Susan. You have heard about HG’s beast right? In your opinion do inverted narcissists also have the risk of being victims of their captive beast?
Reblogged this on Your Journey Begins Today and commented:
How a Narcissist and Empath or ‘Inverted Narcissist’ Communicate in bouts of fury on both ends…this was my story…One of the most poignant and truths about me Id avoided for years….
Thank you Susan.
Did you hate Hannah? I swear to God, this blog has hit me more than any I’ve read….He made me feel EVIL…I would tell him that he brought the Devil out of me. Once he said (during a quiet period) he actually found it quite delightful that he could bring ‘it out of me’
I have the ability to snap and be much like my Father, I admit. Only at endings. Never while a relationship happens. Its a gift and curse. And though I’ll never say I hate my Father, I do resent him for giving me this quality. I too can speak Venom. And he knew it.
I almost feel as if he enjoyed watching the ‘good girl’ go ‘bad’
Please tell me how you viewed Hannah. I’d love to know. Because I told the ExN I was a sitting target from Day 1 after learning who he was. That I was a foe. He denied it and said Id never know how loyal he truly was to me. But it was so hateful. And then kind. And then hateful
….it made me scared that I’d become my Father and shut down completely….it did…I never want NOT to feel…but hes made it difficult…he knew my life….and it was the biggest mistake Ive ever made to share it…if you can ever make it to my Blog to read about my Discard, you will understand how viscious he would be to me in one sitting…but around his family…he would pull chairs, open doors, pay the bill…it made me absolutely INSANE over how fake he was…and he knew it…and he hated that I knew…he once said “you know way too much” as if Id pull out the same arsental as him, and smear him. But no matter what, I never had the heart…because I felt that if I did…he would win…I didnt want to play that love like chess. I loved him without condition…and I hated that I saw my Mother in me, through that relationship…so much that I stopped speaking to my Father…it scared me more than any violent attack I’d encountered…
Im in tears….
-S
Hannah was a real fireball. She would erupt but it was marvellous because she provided so much fuel. She was like striking oil as it spurts into the air. I did not hate her because she provided me with brilliant fuel as an actress until she let me down and it was time to provoke her. I still like to and watch her when she is performing in the theatre and I always sit on the front row and send her some flowers. Watching her perform and then notice me is wonderful.
Thank you. Do you believe Hannah is like you? Sometimes HG I feel I have both. But…..I love too much to think I need fuel..but because Ive been bred to be a vessel for this type of behavior, it truly scares me.
I too have undergone counseling. The first thing the Therapist wanted to know was about my Father, and I didnt want to talk about it.
It’s like you are taught to love your parents. No condition. And if we’d fight tirelessly, ‘Mom’ is what he called me. And I would call him ‘Dad’
We’d be so very viscious.
He said he never gave any woman the opportunity to talk like this to them, and theyd be on the street.
I wish I knew why this fuel fired you versus love.
I did love him…because I loved my Father…I wished he would change…but he said I wasnt placed on earth to change him. He would always give a woman a shelf life of 3 months…and that I was lucky
He brought my truth to light…..I denied my Father’s hatred for 40 yrs. But I still can’t thank my Ex for this. I love and hate him still. Because I never wanted to hate my Father.
Hes made it difficult.
Thank you for the insight. You have no idea how this made me feel a pain – necessary pain – but real…because I’ve denied talking about my Father my entire life
I guess it’s time to face the music and myself in the mirror before you and I become comrades lol
Thank you again
-S
I think of all those I have coupled with Hannah exhibited more of traits that are familiar to our kind than any of my other victims. It was evident that she was an empath with some narcissistic traits which was attractive since it also demonstrated how I could manipulate, as usual, an empath but also deal with those traits which were similar (albeit lesser) to my own. She did care a lot for people and was brilliant at making people think they were the only person in the room when she spoke to them. Her inability to control her temper was just wonderful as it kept the fuel flowing.
Susan
I also cried when I read this. Im drinking my coffee and felt the tears with your comments and those of your blog. If you say your story is that of an empath and an inverted narcissist, maybe that is also the story of my father and my mom. Because like Hannah he could rage but he could also truly love. He did do many things for adoration but also for love.
I did read that term inverted narcissist but I did not really understood in Sam’s book.
My mother never raged. Until today I have never seen my mother rage. I believe my mom a true empath, although Once she did threw away the cap of the gasoline tank of my dads car.. Well that is what he said… He raged that day against my mom.
This is why its so discussed sometimes at Ross Rossembergs page and the SLDD page.
Empaths that rage and stand up for themselves and want to convince themselves they are no narcissists because of this.
I feel like if learned something new this morning 😃. Even if it makes me cry Im happy always to learn new things.
Even more if it helps me understand my dad. Contrary to you, i miss him so much. i would give everything to see him again.
He was so nice to be around. He would make you laugh like you cant imagine. Always tell the right thing. When he was around in a good mood it was great.
No wonder there were humdreds of people in his funeral. I heard a sentence of a person who came to tell me I am sorry.
I will never forget ” your dad is the best that can happen to heaven” . I never knew who this person was nor what relationshio he had to my dad. It was a humble very old man…
Susan have you blogged about inverted narcissist? Would like to understand the difference with a real narcissist in real life. Could you please send me the link of the blog of your discard. I did suscribe to your blog and read some postings but I did not find the one of your discard. Thank you in advance 😃. Have a nice day.
Hugs
Hi Nikita – the term inverted Narcissist is nothing more than the coined term of co-dependency. I have a blog about Co-Dependents and the dynamic of how toxic relationships thrive. Co-Dependents and Narcissists (the actual disorder where there is NO empathy, not manufactured knowledge of how to feel but NO remorse – pure selfishness) are always born of a dysfunctional upbrining. Unless Psychopathic (tho I dont always buy this – remember psychology is advancing and labels are placed on theories) people supposedly can just be ‘born’ genetically mutated into the worst type of human (traits begin at 5 – where most Ps start off with killing animals, etc)
In any event I’m very careful with labels. I know that I’m Empathic because of certain fascinations I’ve had since childhood. I’m spiritually rooted, and believe everything feels and is good. I just do. People with schizophrenia (the violent type) calm down in front of me. Animals, draw to me, as do children…or me to them…But it’s always been this way…I was the most sensitive of my sisters. My youngest I believe is a N, but IDK if Malignant bc she is my sister, therefore only her partners would probably know this. I know she is a talker, very successful, drawn to titles, and all of her exs are replaced (normally wind up on medication and she says they are just depressed and she couldnt handle them)….so I believe she is. Older sis is more like me, but CoD I think. However we all have the ability to be viscious. We all like to win arguments. But when in the ring of an 8 hour battle of ‘where are we going for Christmas dinner’ – Ill back out because I cant handle the energy of power play.
For me, as an Empath (possible N traits) Im triggered through certain things..and I will explode. Explode to the point that I feel unrecognizable. My rage is out of control when around my little Sister (I can explode easily at her first comment. I see it as control) but with the ExN, I’d say things to him like he was a failure, his business should fold bc hell never make money, he is a waste of life, he was raised by wolves, he has no class,,,,,,basically anything I knew would push HIS buttons. I too, knew what mattered to him. When I’d tell him he didnt love his children hed hang up on me…never argue back..hed say things to me like I was raised in dysfunction and thats why men hate me…Id lash back and say well at least I make the money you wish you had.
Always the things that mattered most, we’d reach…then at discard hed say we didnt work bc we fought too much. But this was him basically knowing that we kept fighting over my wanting not to live in a circle of No growth. This is our difference. He lived his life like a movie, that was on constant loop. Only the Main Actress changes. He doesnt change his ways…. I went on. I apologize.
In my search bar type Discard or Truth Behind the Mask, you can also type Toxic, and finally Co-Dependent. My Discard was written in March 2015 I believe – Maybe Feb. But between Jan and April youll find that, plus my Divorce story (to which I wrote a brokenly written memoir of my life)
The funniest thing? My ExN built my Site and videotaped me for the book. When he discarded me he had no idea Id begin writing on Narcissism. He deactivated my site lol…I found a way to retrieve the data and change the ext to .org versus .com
He came back bc I believe he was afraid of being exposed…but it wouldnt last..he tried laying laws down and I fought…We were my parents, and I was my Mother with a foul mouth….thats the difference. CoDs have N traits bc it is also about control….all of this is about control….CoDs toxic idea is 2 people controlling each other…Empaths are a little different but we have similarities…for obvious reasons…
Hope you find the blogs…
Ciao
S
Thanks Susan for the explanation. So as I am codependant I am also an inverted narcissist? But I never rage, i rarely get angry and I would never say those hurtful things ypu said to your ex to anybody 😖😖. Was really toxic you both telling esch othef such mean things. I have never been told things like that thanks God.
I will look for your posts and let you know .
I cant say what you are because I don’t know how you treated your relationship. But if you are a CoD first off your parents had to have had a Controller and a Submissive.
Next as a CoD, what you do to control a situation isn’t telling and raging (these were my own reactions which is why I said I do wonder if something in my ‘flips’ a switch in my brain bc I can become quite condescending and say evil things…I just regret it afterwards. He filed it away for a later date.
CoDs use covert control. i.e., you may be the one to pick out all of his clothes as a ‘gift’ and cook his meals bc you want to show you care – iron…do things that he can do for himself but you self-sacrifice your well-being, although you actually believe overly ‘doing’ for him makes you happy. So when you are not reciprocated the same special treatment you take it very personally. You are hurt and feel betrayed. How can he not see how much you do??? Well. First, he doesn’t ask. He MIGHT compliment you for something you’ve done to make him reinforce you (like Pavlov’s dog) and so you continue doing more of it – let’s say, dressing in lingerie. He loves it and you get a WOW response…so you do it often…later on he barely knows you wear it – yawns and goes to sleep.
You over extend yourself and when you dont get positive reinforcement you begin to ‘take away’ what you give in small doses. It’s a CoDs form of control.
It’s more than just saying “I SELF SACRIFICED” – normal ppl go above and beyond….CoDs and Narcs are just different…It is toxic whether you are as bad as I was or not. You feel DEAD when he’s gone, because you WILLINGLY isolated yourself to serve someone. Many signs…and CoDs normally dont have 1 N in their life. Its normally many types of toxic types. Again you had to be raised in unhealthy surroundings ever to accept more than a MONTHs worth of crap. Healthy ppl run at the first red flag….hence why its a tad harder to keep those.
Ns show subtle hints or boundary pushing in the start…it is seeing what you are/arent comfortable with. As time passes he will enjoy making you uncomfortable.
It keeps them in control. You are never in nor can ever be in control. They are always 2 steps ahead. If they SENSE (and they have a keen nose) you might leave..they will love bomb you while lining up other women…then drop you…bc you had NERVE to think you would be the one to have an upper hand.
My Ex called life a game of chess, and it would make me angry. I said “if you feel life is all about strategy then why even have people around you?” He said “I dont even like people, this is self-preservation”
He spoke often about self-preservation.
I feel sorry for him. I do. But moreso his children…bc they had to deal with this….likely they will be CoDs or Ns too.
OMG…this was me…and he said almost the EXACT THING TO ME at times of utter rage on both ends…that he was here to teach lessons…So eerily familiar, like a page of my life…
He called himself both God and the Devil, depending on the depth of our argument….but I’m in utter AWE over this blog…short but real…
Sometimes I’ve wondered if I was the same as him, because I was able to spew hatred and venom so vehemently when the right buttons were pushed. I reminded myself of my Father at those times, and I’d say to him “Don’t forget I am my Father’s Daughter, too”…and I hated myself each and every time after the fact….
-S