Pedalling the Myth
“Some day my prince will come.”
“I need a knight in shining armour to come and rescue me.”
“Where is my Prince Charming?”
These are familiar comments and they all arise as a consequence of the myth that has been created and perpetuated. It is well established that my kind and me create an illusion (read Power of Illusion on this blog for more) . Have you considered the fact that we are just giving you what you expect? We are saying what you want to hear, doing what you want to see and complying with a pre-conceived notion of how relationships ought to be? How has this idea been formulated? Who created the concept of the happy ever after? Was it the Brothers Grimm or Hans Christian Andersen through the fairy tales that they wrote or were they just recording something which had existed orally for centuries before as they added a new gloss to the fairy tale? Maybe we should blame Hollywood for its depiction of how love conquers all and the hero saves the day by dashing to aid the stereotypical damsel in distress. The number of films in which that happens is numerous. Richard Gere appears in his limousine to woo Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, in Love Actually, Hugh Grant goes door to door in search of the tea lady Martine McCutcheon and in The Matrix Trilogy even the kick-ass feisty Trinity is masterfully caught by Neo to prevent her falling. In Rear Window,James Stewart rescues Grace Kelly, in the unusual Wild At Heart, Nicholas Cage (playing Nicholas Cage) comes to the assistance of Laura Dern at a metal gig and who can forget Shrek where an ogre goes hell for leather to beat Prince Charming of all people and gain the hand of Princess Fiona. I am sure you can think of many more examples. There are thousands of instances of this stylised concept of romance and love. Certain films dedicate the entirety of the production to it. Others have a different subject matter but still the concept remains. Luke Skywalker went to rescue the Princess trapped in the Death Star. Clint Eastwood helped the young lady in Pale Rider and she fell in love with him although he left her (was that a cowboy discard perhaps?) and even uber narcissist James Bond gives the Bond Girl her slice of heaven for a few screen minutes. Everywhere you look the idea of romance and the knight in shining armour is reinforced. Pop songs, advertisements (once upon a time a man would go to great lengths just to deliver a box of chocolates to his paramour in the Milk Tray ad) , greetings cards, magazines, newspapers, sitcoms, novels and so on and so forth. The airbrushed, photoshopped, sweeping soundtracked and every sense heightened message is driven at you each and every day. There is a dashing hero (or heroine) out there who will save you and treat you like a princess (or prince).
This is the message that is all around you. This is what you have been raised to expect. Someone will save the day and sweep you off your feet. Everything is going to be alright. You will have your happy ever after. It is hardly surprising that you have bought into this master illusion. Who would not? It is all pervading and virtually impossible to resist. It appeals to that deep-seated desire to be cared for and protected and this is done by maintaining a myth that someone should arrive on a white charger, armour gleaming to pull you from the clutches of the evil troll or moustachioed villain.
“I need a hero” sang Bonnie Tyler and then she laid down the criteria required for said hero to attain. I do not recall her mentioning a steady income, being handy with a paintbrush and making a nice cup of tea. Instead she, along with countless others, generate an ideal and you bought into it. You want the fairy tale. I understand it. Why would you not when all around you, you are being told that this is the way it should be. Who would not want that sensation of being swept off their feet, romanced and made to feel wonderful. And who says we do not provide it? There is no denying that when our kind come along we invariably pick you up in a marvellous whirlwind of love, attention and affection as we suck you into an illusion. Where does the fault lie? Is it us that are to blame for creating this construct to draw you in? Is it your fault for falling for the myth and casting common sense aside for wanting the unattainable? Or does the blame lie elsewhere? Is it those that created and not maintain this illusion? If it is those in this latter category that have created this monster that you believe in and we merely comply with, then the question becomes this. Who are they? Are they your kind or our kind?
36 thoughts on “Pedalling the Myth”
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I have come to accept that no one is coming to save me. I choose to be The Paper Bag Princess.
Hi Kat
You’re probably right on him telling her those things. He said something similar to me, along the lines of all I’ve ever wanted is to find a loving, caring person just like himself. Said he was a romantic at heart. Claimed he wasn’t very sexually experienced as he’d met his sons mother when he was 17 yrs and had been with her for 11 yrs and she cheated on him. That he’d had a couple if girlfriends in between me and his sons mother ( gap was about 10 yrs) claimed one of his girl friends he’d caught having sex on their settee with one of his friends. How happy he was our paths had crossed. I bet he was 😳.
I didn’t want a relationship just wanted a friend / companion as my marriage had come to an end ( after 13 yrs) my dad had died suddenly and my dog was dying of cancer. I told him I didn’t need any more stress. He said I’ve been hurt to, we are lucky to have found each other he was happy to be friends and wait as he would show me I didn’t need to be guarded with him he would never hurt me only love me. The only way he would leave would be if I flaunted other men in his face or cheated!!
What a joke eh. I doing my best at the min not to contact the woman and her partner who he tried getting off with in march. If I did he would know I had access to information and he’d shut it down as I’m certain he can’t afford the apple cart being rocked at present.
With all the drama before, during and after my ex I can’t even remember what I like to do. If I’m honest I really did enjoy what we did together that’s why I’m confused to the discard. I’m putting it down to I wasn’t in India with him and I had started to find chinks in the fairystory.
Sorry Kat read another post I was confused thought you were an empath seeing as you’d had a similar scenario as myself. I hadn’t realised that you are also a narcissist. My mistake.
But thanks anyway for the input 😊
Hi Kat, sounds like we’ve encountered similar narcissists. I am for my faults a bit of a romantic at heart although up till meeting my narc 4 yrs ago I didn’t show my romantic side. He was the one who was the romantic, thus I felt safe allowing that side of me to show. I do feel sorry for her and certain she knows nothing of me as no decent woman would marry someone so soon after their husband/ wife to be had broken up with their last partner.
I think he probably has or will be cheating on her shortly as looking back retrospectively on our relationship he had what he called a blip a few months in. I wonder whether on his home leave to the uk to see me whether that was their blip / silent treatment.
How have you managed to keep sane ? Any. Tips would be gratefully appreciated.
Hi Freedom,
Thank you for your reply.
It is natural to feel sorry for the new woman, after all, we know the pain and heartache that most likely awaits her. And that she is in love with someone that doesn’t actually exist.
If your ex is like mine, he would have told her many self -serving lies about you. He might even have the gall to get her sympathy by telling her how you are a narcissist who cheated and abused him. Used his love and romantic nature against him…
To be honest with you, I didn’t have an emotional connection with that ex. He was a means to an end. The only feeling I had when he discarded me for Sarah, was anger. He ruined my plans and he had won. I do not take kindly to that. That is why I retaliated as I did.
But I did get emotionally attached to my New Age Guru ex. For a time, anyway. I had to go through a lot of darkness and soul searching to come out much stronger and better off.
How do you stay sane? Do not let him win.
You are here, learning and sharing. That takes more strength than you know. And knowledge is key.
Being with a narcissist can turn your whole world upside down. Friends and family become strangers.
You get so used to pleasing him, that old hobbies, things that used to bring so much pleasure, especially things in which you had talent, seem nothing more than a distant memory.
What gives you great pleasure? Dancing? Art? Music? Volunteer work? Mountain climbing? Simply hanging out with friends?
Whatever it is, don’t let him take it away from you anymore. He doesn’t get to have that power over you anymore.
The more you rediscover what you enjoy, where your talents lie, the more of you will come back to life.
Start slowly, keep discovering, treat yourself every time you do something that takes you out of your comfort zone and brings you closer to being alive.
Old friends might not understand what you have been through. Some of them may have been used as flying monkeys, to hurt you. Try to be open to new friendships.
As Nietzsche once said: Throw roses into the abyss and say “here is my thanks to the monster who didn’t succeed in swallowing me alive”.
HG, you magnificent bastard!
This is outstanding!
The belief in fairy tales is extraordinarily harmful, yet it is touted as being noble.
Fairy tales set people up for self-sabotage and misery. And not just where love is concerned. They also reinforce the mentality that has people searching for quick, magical fixes for all their ills.
From the magic pill that will take away love handles even as they sit on the couch and eat icecream, to the latest guru’s yoga, crystals and inspirational quotes that will magically transform their life. And everything in between.
It’s all about selling them the magic cure. The easy way.
No need to fight and work hard to fix your life, someone will swoop in and rescue you.
And all the dragons and evil witches will always get the punishment they deserve…
My parents are abusive narcissists. They loved to push fairy tales on me, especially Cinderella.
It is one of the best manipulation techniques. Teaches girls that even as they live in hell, if they are very good girls and do everything to please their parents, then their Prince will come. Keeps the girls daydreaming and obeying, waiting, instead of questioning and fighting.
They become so desperate that they see every man who says some right words as their saviour. Place extraordinary expectations upon these men. Expectations they can’t possibly live up to. Even if the men are not predators, it still breeds disappointment and resentment.
Cue the “real” Prince Charming entering the stage, finally come to rescue them.
Rinse and repeat.
Of course my parents failed miserably. I saw through the bullshit and spent my formative years reading Marquis de Sade and John Douglas instead.
But I did use the knowledge to target men. Many of them are believers in fairy tales too. They so badly want to be the brave and noble knight. To fight the dragons. To rescue the beautiful princess, who will worship him as her hero forever. Adore him, look after him, never try to change him and give him incredible, enthusiastic blow jobs as he plays Call of Duty.
I have learned how to prey on that very well indeed. But that’s a story for another day.
Thanks for the post Kat. Funnily enough, the brass plate outside my house reads “HG Tudor – Magnificent Bastard” you must have walked past once upon a time.
Maybe in a once upon a nightmare she saw the door sign 😱
Ha ha.
See some of us empaths are not only caring and living but can have a good sense of humour when not being crushed 😊
Can you tell me if a narcissist ever enters a relationship and thinks it will last ? Or do you always know its just a matter of time before you move on.
We hope that it will last but we are let down so we have no choice but to move on.
I’m just thinking maybe my ex narcs new wife won’t let him down she’s everything he wanted. Successful, influential and can provide him with the right to stay in India leading a rich life. So I think he may have found his ‘ soulmate ‘
Of course he has found his soulmate. For now.
Hope you’re right there malignarc because if not then he’s not a narc.
Sorry for all the posts just still struggling which i’m sure he’d love to know that
No need to apologise. Yes, he will assume you are struggling anyway so he will be drinking that fuel as he gains the fresh supply from his new source.
Me again, is the honeymoon/ devalue/ discard on a different time scale per liaison. For instance he was with his sons mum for 11 yrs on and off and apparently I was the next longest at 4 yrs so I take the many In between must have been a bit more savvy or miss judged target supplies.
If as you say when you target another supply you assess the input: fuel gain ratio I find it hard to understand why he’s gone for an influential woman. I can only imagine in her line Of work she will see the red flags sooner. Am I correct in presuming he may feel that the possibly short lived marriage will give a high yield due to her status ?
Thanks for answering my many questions and queries.
Her status and standing will serve him in two ways. First of all, he will use these traits to build and maintain his construct (read Fuel for more on this) as this is something that must be done to gain more fuel and imprison the creature. Somebody successful etc will provide fantastic elements for this construct. Furthermore, the admiration he will initially obtain from her will be powerful fuel. She may seethe red flags but I will wager she sill ignore them. Anyone ensnared by us always falls into such a trap. Those in between the relationships may not have provided the quality or frequency of fuel as you and the 11 year relationship, hence that is why they were short in duration. Thanks for posting.
Thanks for that 🙂
So am I correct in my I deratanding that myself and his child’s mother were providing sufficient fuel. The possible affairs during the relationship and in between we’re low quality fuel. Siam I also correct in thinking that unless this successful wife wakes up and smells the coffee and sees the flags flying high this relationship good have longevity?
I’m sure you can appreciate I don’t want it to last at all.
Nobody ever provides sufficient fuel, that is what drives us on, just some people provide more and of a better quality than others until they start to produce less and let us down. That is why we have to go elsewhere. Will his current relationship have longevity? Depends what you define as the relationship. Will he remain with her for some time? Probably as he will be getting decent fuel from her and therefore she is worth keeping. Will he be manipulating, cheating etc to gain extra fuel – definitely. It depends how long she will go on supplying decent fuel for. If she realises what is happening and tries to halt the supply of fuel, he will try and cling on for a while before securing his main source form somewhere else.
Hi malignarc
I feel that is what happened to me I was providing decent fuel as you call it. I’m successful in my field, well educated and earn decent money. Probably why he wanted me to go to india so supply was on tap. However the 5 weeks he was cold is prob when he was securing his new fuel and could ten dispense with me.
Harsh but true. I hope she is a little more switched on in the romance side than me and get the hell out before too enmeshed.
You are probably correct. I would not trouble yourself being concerned about her because she won’t be concerned about you because you are being being painted as trouble by him.
Hope you don’t mind if I butt in.
HG is right.
Your ex sounds very much like one of mine. We were engaged, but he discarded me out of the blue when he met Sarah.
She came from a wealthy family with connections he desperately needed.
He married her after 6 weeks. On what was meant to be our wedding day.
I replayed him by seducing and then using his best friend to destroy a project that was very important to him, but I digress.
I thought he would make it work with Sarah. She seemed to be everything he wanted. But within months, he couldn’t help himself. His addiction was too powerful.
He started cheating, lying, stealing, alienating her family.
She was already pregnant and by all accounts codependent, so she stayed with him for another 4 years. Then she kicked him out.
Her powerful family made sure he got NOTHING. He is not even allowed to have contact with his children.
He is ruined because he worships his one true God – his ego.
If I’m honest, he’s probably already cheating on her. I feel sorry for her divorces aren’t cheap and won’t be easy with him.
Can your kind never be content with one woman who loves you and would do anything for you ?
Can I also ask do your kind always want to push the kinky sex stuff ? Do you want to be Christian grey ?
It is not a case of being content with one person, it is a case of ensuring there are sufficient sources of fuel. No, not all of our kind engages in the “kinky sex stuff”. As for Christian Gray, why would I want to be a one-dimensional character from an appallingly written piece of fan fiction?
It wasn’t a direct reference to you regarding Christian grey, more the ones who partake in the kinky stuff. I have seen a few posts on different topics where people have mentioned this characteristic of their ex narc. I wondered if it was to do with controlling/ pushing boundaries and obtaining fuel from pushing your victim to do something they don’t want to do and seeing how upsetting it was for them.
I’m just sad that what appeared to be a beautiful person who I loved unconditionally could turn out like this and I’d turned a blind eye to warning signs putting it down to his explanations of previously being cheated on and hurt. What a joke !
Yes, indulgence in sado-masochistic behaviour which creates an emotional reaction is another method of obtaining fuel. Indeed, the knowledge that this person will submit even though it troubles them outweighs any sexual satisfaction that might be gleaned from the act. It is always the way that the red flags that fluttered in the breeze were either ignored or we charmed you to take no notice of them. It happens every time.
Here’s hoping she’s prepared for his onslaught.
I’m so glad I never gave in and sold him my house when I was struggling, never married him and didn’t give up my job and move to India. I can now rebuild my life.
I wonder if he hasn’t already begun the hunt again 😉
There is every likelihood that he will have other forms of fuel lined up. It has to be done.
Thanks for the confirmation malignarc I was hoping he was just an idiot. Makes me feel better knowing its not me and he will do to her what he’s done to me.
He’s obviously switched to her as she is in India with him, successful and help him gain prestige ( while in India anyway)
He’s a fool really as most things he wanted I wanted to. However that could have all been an act on his part who knows.
Thanks again
It is highly likely that he said he wanted the same things as you because he was mirroring you. Yes he will be garnering plenty of fuel from her at present, but it will not last, it never does, we have to find fresher and more copious amounts of fuel from different sources.
My ex narc was always saying he was my soulmate. A few date in he was proposing marriage to me when I asked to slow things down it was I knew you’d do this I let you in and you break my heart fine i’ll give you space and went cold. In the first 18 mths he called things off a couple of times always wanting to stay friends. Then begging me to come back. He had never loved anyone like he loved me and we were meant to be together. He coukd never hurt me jt would be like kicking a puppy. We could have a perfect day then bang next day off again.
Malignarc is he def a narcissist ???
Freedom, from what you have described there he is one of our kind.
I believe that you really are believing (in that phase) that you’re doing a really cool thing. But please, HG, I think you must be better than all this? I am conflicted when it comes to your empathy, there you are really challenged. Since I think you are showing some signs of empathy, I won’t be giving up on you soon. The enigmatic. A to me is, you do seem to have emotions hidden underneath. Maybe I’m wrong, then disregard this. Otherwise, talk to me, as I hope I might be able to help you along. Hugs//SurvivedNarc
Hi Survivednarc, of course I have emotions, I am a human being. I demonstrate certain emotions more than others and others not at all. Your eternal hope brings restoration to my lips.
This is why I believe soul mates are a myth too. What do you think ?