Bolthole
The bolthole is a very important location to my kind. It can come in many forms but the message it sends to you is very clear; you are not welcome. Our kind must always have a bolthole to which we can retreat. This is our sacred territory where you are not allowed to venture. When we first engage with you, you should notice two things which invariably occur. We will spend most of our time where you live. This enables us to stay by your side as often as we can in order to continue our seduction of you. It also means that your resources are the ones that are used up. It is your food, your cable bill and your utilities that we use and since it is your home we will not contribute to those bills. If asked we will point out that we have our own overheads to cover although of course they will be reduced as we are rarely there. We stay at your house and ensure that you provide us with a set of keys so that we may come and go. You are invariably not given a set for our house. When we decide that we want to engage in our methods of gathering fuel and/or we decide to subject you to a period of the effective silent treatment, we return to our house. You cannot enter and we are able to watch you pleading and begging from through a gap in the curtains as you turn up wanting to see us as you try to work out why we have just disappeared.
On the occasions we do allow you to stay at our property then this is little more than a licence which is revocable on a moment’s notice. If we want you out of our space then we will turf you out, irrespective of time, weather or convenience. We like to do this to reinforce that it is us who are in control in this relationship and not you.
Even if we properly move in together at one property or buy another one together, we shall manipulate the situation so that your house is sold and the proceeds used towards the joint property whilst we keep our house on. You will be puzzled by such a move but we will find an excuse to do this.
“It represents a useful investment opportunity so I am going to keep it.”
“Now is now the right time to sell in that area.”
“I need a pied a terre for when I work late in the city.”
“I want the market to pick up first before I consider selling the property.”
“I don’t want to sell it because my ex-wife will come sniffing around for a share of it.”
We will find the reason not to sell it. This is of course not the real reason. We want to keep it as our bolthole. We might decide to provide you with a set of keys for this property but then when you try to use them to go inside to find us, the door is bolted so you cannot access the property. Your shouts of frustration prove to be delicious fuel as we sit and listen to you.
Some times we will use hotel rooms as boltholes or the office or a bar. As long as it somewhere to which we can retreat and have you guessing as to where we have gone as you frantically telephone and text us, then it serves its purpose.
If there is not another property we will create a bolthole within the house that we share. The study will have a lock fitted and we keep the key on our person all the time. It may be a man-cave in the basement or the garden shed, but there is one simple rule concerning this bolthole. It may be in or around our joint property but you are not to enter it ever. We regard this as our throne room where we sit and plot our schemes. The chosen few will be admitted in order to emphasise to you how you are not special enough to be allowed in and thus prompt a reaction from you. We know it will drive you crazy wondering what we are doing in this place, especially if our guests are of the opposite sex. We will spend hours in this place, secreted away, often sleeping there too. Here we can send our messages and engage in our telephone calls with other sources of fuel, free from interference yet still gaining fuel from you as we know you will be in a spin thinking about what we are doing. We can enter the chat rooms, work our way through the dating sites and blitz social media, all entrenched in our control room. We will delight in sending you a message compelling you to bring us food or a drink and leave it at the door. You of course will comply in order to try and sneak a glimpse of what is going on inside or to try and talk to us, yet the door will be pushed closed in your face.
On occasions the bolt hole will be temporary in nature. Should we decide that we wish to exercise some withdrawal late at night when you are expecting intimacy and love-making, we will move to sleep in the spare room, sliding across the lock we had fitted. We will lie there smiling as we hear you tapping on the door and sobbing for us to come back to the shared bed.
The bolthole is very important to us. It allows us a clear way of reinforcing our control and superiority, it provides a base from which we can engage in our schemes and plotting and it is crucial in the implementation of silent treatment.
If you realise that the person you have a relationship with creates and uses boltholes there is every chance that he or she is one of us. Now you know it to be the case but you are still not coming in.
36 thoughts on “Bolthole”
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I had a short-lived time with a female N with BPD traits.
After numerous dates “out”, our first date “in” was at my place. She insisted, even though I was repairing water damage due to a faulty pipe and my place was disaster. I asked her “Why not at your place?”. Her response was “Because at your place, I can control when it ends and when I leave.”
Her boltholes were clearly her bedroom and her office. The former, she would text right before bed about being in “the most amazing place on Earth”. The requisite response-of-escalation was “Sounds enticing. I should be experiencing you in it.”, to which she would reply “You have no idea what my bed and I are like!” Quite the shift of valence in less than 30 seconds. Promote a special place and quickly deny access.
She would also stay in her office upward of and over 80 hours per week. As a lawyer, she’d be on track to bill over 3000 annual hours, based on observed time behind the mahogany desk. I commented on her epic run-rate, to which she barked “I’ve only ever billed a maximum of 2100 hours in a year. No way would I ever work 3000!” Clearly the Louboutin heel and LV bag collections are being funded out of base remuneration, not out of variable. It then dawned upon me that structuring her thoughts for a professional world of grey must be more time-consuming and effort-laden when she thinks in black-and-white.
I am fortunate that I am a pattern thinker and spotted her behaviour quickly showing increasingly-less-subtle contradictions between words and actions. I was already moving toward the exit when the discard happened. That’s an entertaining tale on its own.
Thank you for the insights.
DSK
I have a bolthole. ..in my mind in my head…
Unreachable, not unreadable…
This is a bit random but I’ve just seen the abuser and he tried to pick a fight so I’m really angry!! He takes off without warning, stays in some hideout and takes all the time he needs for himself. I’m left trying to juggle housework, shopping, budgeting and my son’s needs (he’s missing his father very much) so I’ve had no time to recuperate and regroup. The father turns up refreshed, wearing new clothes every time and ready to fight. I’m sick of him. One thing I can definitely say now is I am no longer attracted to him, he’s just too small and petty – I believe he’d be a lesser to mid narc. The police were looking for him and I refused to pass on the message because it’s not my concern and he’d only disbelieve or blame me but I’m hoping they take him in soon. He can’t stay out of trouble, a complete loser! Anyway, prison is the safest most unreadable bolt hole he could want.
HG your rey to Timewasted basically sums up all my feelings.
Hope when I’ve finished reading your books I can move on and let go.
Freedom, I am hoping for the same thing.
HG is helping me see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I honestly didn’t believe that it was possible to live life so unattached from the basic spectrum of human emotions. I am finding out that with the narc, it is.
How the hell does this happen? Did they learn to detach as a child because of being unloved?
Hi HG. I would never sell his things. I don’t want to do that to him. It would be dishonest.
I don’t want him to come back soon because I have trouble resisting his hoover. I don’t want to go through being discarded again. I need more time. In fact, I would like for 2016 to be the year I finally get him out of my system. 🙂 Maybe I will meet someone new, and I can forget him once and for all. Why am I so attracted to this jerk?
You are attracted to him because he made himself all the things you wanted him to be by mirroring. He made himself addictive to you during the golden period. You are attracted to him because of the type of person you are because you are kind and decent and still, despite all the evidence to the contrary, hope and wish that things could be as they once were. You are attracted to him because you still believe that he has some goodness somewhere inside of him and you want to find and save that goodness. It is all because of the way you are and the way he had configured himself to appeal to you on so many levels. You know he is a jerk yet still you feel attracted, that is how powerful the malign magic is. You might want to read Manipulated for more on how you have been conditioned into this state.
Thank you for your response. Yes, I will read Manipulated.
In addition to being so physically appealing to me, he also did work on my car and house. He is very good at home and car repairs. I always told him how grateful I was and how smart he was because he knew how to do all these things.
During one of of breakups, I had a leak under my kitchen sink. I called a plumber to fix it. When we reunited later, he asked why I didn’t call him to come fix it. I found that perplexing since he was the one that vanished. Why would I call him when he wants to disappear?
I wonder if the way my father is contributes to the intense attraction to the N also. My father is a malignant narc. My mother alternates between being happy and extremely sad constantly because of his behavior. My father can be very nice or a complete A-hole. He has very strong opinions that you don’t dare disagree with. I learned the art of eggshell walking at a very young age.
That should say confusion ha ha
Hi HG
I look forward to that instalment then. Hope it will
Clear up my concussion with the sex stuff.
This is the guy I’ve been involved with off and on for 15 years!
When I met him, he was this beautiful man with long blonde hair that spent hours in the gym sculpting his body to perfection and rode a Harley. He married one time at 20 years old, but only for a year. He never married again. Had a vasectomy so no one could trap him into fatherhood.
Our time together was always at my house. Dates, were always last minute. He would call and want to go to dinner or a movie. I was expected to be ready at a moments notice. The movie was always what he wanted to see. The concerts were always who he wanted to see.
He vanishes. In the beginning, it was “I lost my phone” or “My dad suddenly got sick” “Had to rush to Oklahoma after a phone call in the middle of the night”.
He pulled me back in this time last year after the relationship was over in my mind. So attentive and caring during that time. After 6 months of spending almost everyday together, GONE. I haven’t seen or talked to him in 6 months.
He has stuff here. I have an attached garage and another unattached garage in my backyard. It is FULL of his stuff! A muscle car that he plans to restore. An engine. A bed for a ’63 Chevy truck. A 90s model Mercedez. He lives on 2 acres, but left all of that stuff here!!!
He is alive and well. I have passed him driving down the road.
Hi Timewasted thanks for your post. Someone will come calling for all those possessions soon and the first item he will pick up will be the hoover. What are you asking for the vehicles incidentally?
I’m so sorry to hear your story. I hope you’re ok? I feel you’re pain.mine is recently back after 5 months, although he tried to comeback for a whole month at 2 months. He’s hovering so hard right now it’s almost believable. I caved on the no contact at 4 months, he didn’t respond, then I ran into him and he’s coming in BIG now. After so much loneliness, pain and grief it’s hard to not take a break from it all and enjoy some companionship and relief. I know it’s an illusion.
HG, I wish your book was written on how to handle a Narc out side of no contact!!
V, Escape does explain about how to handle a narc when you have involvement with them and have not been able to implement or maintain no contact.
Hi HG
Only read a little so far of manipulated hope to finish it tonight.
I’m thinking his sex drive was t high at all or maybe he was too busy else were 😕
I also think as us say was for manipulation purposes to get me to embark on more kinky things to please him!
Hi Freedom, thanks for reading Manipulated. I look forward to your further comments. You will be interested to read a book that I am currently working on called Sex and the Narcissist which covers all manner of topics within that field and certainly addresses the kinky element.
I have to admit I yelled a set of expletives as I read this article. This rings way too close to home. Satan always wanted to hang out at my place. I never saw his place, which was one of the reasons i broke up with him.Whenever I insisted on hanging at his place he would say, “bye Mills, we need to end this sht.” Or give me the silent treatment. My bills ended up being way too high. Food, cable,electric, everything. My electric bill quadrupled. He said he would pay my electric bill that month. When I asked him about his promise he said, ” why the f would I pay your electric bill. I don’t f ing live there.” that was the first glimpse into his fake promises. He insisted on having the key to my place. I told him he didn’t need it because he was only going to be there when I was around. Anyways I gave into his manipulation and gave him the key. A few weeks later I woke up at 5 am to find him sleeping on my couch with no prior announcement.Creepy. He couldn’t enter my bedroom because I had locked it . I didn’t show any emotion and he was surprised I wasn’t mad. He was trying to get an emotional reaction but I was tired of his bs games.anyways, I changed my locks that day and never gave him the new key. I am dating now, but one of the things I will not tolerate is house dates. It just rings way too familiar. I also insist on seeings man’s place first. If they give me any qualms about it, I let them go. Once bitten twice shy.
Hi Mills and thanks for sharing your experience there, you have obviously learned from it and seized the power.
Survivednarc my ex sounds very similar to yours. He would go for walks on his own, head off for the day not saying anything but might send me a text whilst I was working saying he’d gone …. An was having a lovely day. He’d book annual leave and not say anything when I said why didn’t you tell me I could have organised the day off we could have done something together I got sorry babe just wanted some me time. But if he decided he wanted me to go along didn’t matter what i had planned I was expected to just drop everything and go.He wouldn’t even tell me his shift patterns which was hard to work around to see each other as I work shifts to. As you say individuals in a couple 😔I too have days where I doubt if he is/was a N then I read here and ask questions to be have my doubts elevated and assured he most certainly is one.
V
My Narc used to boast of his high sex drive, then nothing would happen between us for weeks. He would then say to me I don’t know what’s wrong with me but my sex drive is low lately I’m not happy with this are you ? I sort of got the impression or insinuation the reason for it was being pinned on me !!
My ex N most certainly has only discarded me because m not close to hand.
HG my bedtime reading today is manipulated 😊
Of course the lack of sex drive is your fault, you must have let yourself slide in some way and become less appealing (or rather he saw there was nothing to be gained in taking you to bed and decided to blame you to provoke a reaction). I trust you will find Manipulated interesting – tick off how many you have experienced. I shall wager it is over half.
HG,
I’ve been trying to read all your blogs and keep up as well as the books… So much to say and ask, where do I pick up again?
Ok,….. Do you basically hate women? Have you EVER lost a source of supply that haunts you or weighs on you even today?
Do you enjoy sex? How important is sex to you as a man?
Hi V, keep asking and I will keep answering. Do I hate women? No, I have an ever present fury with the world which I expand on in Fury which should be available in about ten days. Women find themselves in that outlook against the world, but I hate the fact that so many have let me down, but I do not hate women per se. Have I ever lost a source of supply that haunts me? I do not have time to allow myself to be haunted. There are a couple of prime supplies that I am disappointed to have lost if I can put it like this. With regards to sex, yes I enjoy it, it is not fundamental to me however and there are others things I prefer to do and generally I regard it as a weapon rather than a source of pleasure.
My ex was not a super sexual guy, at times it seemed he was, but there was often an air of him doing it because he felt I wanted it, or it was time to do it for me. I never ubderstood why it wasn’t for him too? Is it simply a low sex drive or the NON desire to be close? Is there any connection for you sexually? I mean are you able to bond through it?
We don’t bond through it, it is a device to draw you in and ensure you provide us with fuel. The lack of desire for closeness is the reason behind it. We provide you with plenty of amazing sex to get you hooked and then as a device so we can withdraw it and provoke a reaction. We use sex as a manipulative tool to gain fuel, just as we use triangulation, circular arguments, gas lighting and so on. It is a mean to an end.
Thx for the clarification.
Also, why does an N totally write you off with no more hovering after years of hovering?
Sent from my iPhone
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Nobody will be completely written off. Come near our sphere of influence and we will hoover again, even if it is years later.
Just curious what makes them complete leave you alone after years of chasing you.
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new fuel
My ex narcissist had every possible bolthole, but it was rarely a physical space, usually more like a lot of activities on his own where I didn’t feel welcome. Like he was gonna see a friend or take the car to the shop, or blah blah. Individuals in a couple sure should do some activities on their own, but with him it was all the friggin’ time, lol. Oh, and when I lived at his place for a while, he started sleeping in the living room after a short while… that person had loooots of boltholes. Anyway I’m doing real good on my healing today, so am not gonna obsess too much with these sad memories. But it is always really good to read your blog, cause there are so many similarities in the techniques/behaviours. It really helps to remind me and reassure me that my ex was indeed a narcissist (whenever I start doubting). Keep up the good work. ☺
V that’s the same as my relationship, he used to just shut down not want tel see me used to say give me a few weeks to calm down I’ll message you. You really don’t want to be around me when in this mood. But when he was back on I had to drop everything a run to him. His excuse was he was suffering from depression. He had such a hard time in life nothing ever went his way things always went wrong for him. What a joke.
Sounds so familiar. As I said I used to work so hard to communicate w him and help him feel safe with me.
Took a long time to realize he was punishing me, deliberately creating space and throwing tantrums. I began to wonder what the heck he would DO during all those CAVE times and silent treatments, he refused to discuss it. I told him he was wearing on our trust because o didn’t know what he did during this time or WHO he did it with! He used all those thoughts against me. Never would he discuss his actions or that it may have been a 2 month silence!!!
He just expected me to let him in and trust him 100% and was insulted if I didn’t. He said I had MAJOR trust issues w men.
I already know that I’m giving you fuel when I say this but thanks or writing this. My Father is one of your kind so his traits are already prebuilt inside of me but instead I choose to use it for good. I don’t use it against good hearted people but I use it against those who would seek to do me or others harm because I have a conscience which is something he didn’t have…At the same time I have a general understanding of the pathology.
I have other family members of your kind and they most definitely have those bolt holes. I have a relative who owns two properties and most of the time he doesn’t sleep at the property hat his Wife and kids sleeps in but instead he stays most of the time at bolthole which was inherited from one one of his deceased Parents. It is definitely the place where he schemes, commits his infidelities, and plot on other family members like myself….He seems to not realize that I’m already up on his tricks.
Anyways, thanks for informing us through your writings and keep it coming! I already bought one of your books for my Kindle.
All our time together was spent at his place. I usually had a key during the ON times. However, the key is the FIRST thing he would take away during a spat, argument etc. During the ON times he would try and convince me it was my place too, OUR place and home, he would want me to nest, then boom he’s angry GIVE ME MY KEY BACK – again! It became tiring. He would also threaten me with,” if you don’t stop I’m going into the cave and I don’t know how long I’ll be there “.
I always suspected he did online dating, chat rooms – whatever. It took me a long time to realize this was deliberate behavior, initially I felt he just couldn’t handle conflict and we needed to keep working on it.
Yep he was like that, used to say leave me alone hon I’m really down need some me time and would stay home ( well he might have been home or he could have been else where!) he was always at mine for the first few months as his house at the time had no heating in it so I wouldn’t go round it was winter and freezing cold. He did give me a key but only a back door key prob so if I turned up he could through the other out the front door.
He played a lot of online gameing was always messing with it. Dates were cut short so he could get back to it. Very annoying!!!
With sex it was when he wanted otherwise he had a migraine, was emotional and physically drained, even gave me lines of we’ll stop there should always leave you wanting more !!!
When home on leave spent the first night with me then complained he couldn’t sleep well with me In the bed too used to sleeping on his own !!
Now I know what a load of bullshit.