Constant Companion
The narcissist in your life may have turned to you and said,
“You are the one true constant in my life,” or words to that effect. Of course, when this sentence was said to you with faux sincerity shining in our eyes it was intended as another love bomb that rained down on you from up on high. What we were actually doing was engaging in a rare moment of truth.
We require a constant in our lives for a variety of reasons. To begin with it is because when we are seducing you, you provide us with all that delicious positive fuel and we cannot get enough of it. You are shiny and sparkling and that fuel tastes so glorious. We want to be with you all of the time to drink deep of your fuel but also to ensure that you become addicted to us as we love bomb you. We want you constantly with us so that you are exposed all the time to our charm, our wit and our affection so that as we drink up your fuel, you become addicted to the euphoria you feel by being with someone so wonderful as us. We also want you constantly by our side to isolate you from anyone who may just have the knowledge and temerity to shatter the fantasy world that we have created so you wriggle free from our grip. After expending time and energy in trapping you and clamping our jaws around you, the last thing we want is for you to be able to escape us.
Inevitably you let us down and your supply of positive fuel lessens in quality and quantity. Your dereliction of duty means we must draw fuel from other appliances. A normal and healthy person might think that if a person tires of the other in the relationship one might look at ways of rekindling what first drew those people together. Well, you know what? We do that, only we do it in our skewed manner. We have no interest in working at the relationship, that requires too much effort. We will however rekindle the golden period in order to enable our vacillating between devaluing and idealising to have the maximum effect. You may also consider that if someone no longer has any interest in the other person in the relationship and especially if that person is looking elsewhere then he or she would do the decent thing and end the relationship and move on. Not us. We need you. You might question why that should be the case since if we are treating you so badly, why on earth would we want to remain with you? If we are committing acts of infidelity with other people, why do we remain in a relationship with you? The answer is because we need a constant appliance. You are that constant appliance. We have decided that you would supply us with delicious positive fuel and although you would let us down and reduce that supply, we could keep you around as we drew negative fuel from you. You are the mainstay. There is no logic to us in having a relationship then ending it and moving on to another person some time later. That would not provide us with enough fuel, nowhere near enough. We need someone who will always be there so that he or she:-
- Provides positive fuel to being with;
- Provides negative fuel thereafter;
- Represents a good return on our investment (we are not going to throw away such an asset that readily);
- As a constant enables us to use others in our manipulation to draw more fuel from the constant and the other people (triangulation, smear campaigns and so on)
30 thoughts on “Constant Companion”
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This makes it all make sense… Disordered narcissistic, sociopathic sense.
I finally filed for divorce after 36 years of marriage to Gaslighter. I kicked him out of the house 2 1/2 years before filing, after he came home at 3:00 am and I discovered an erased voicemail on his cell phone with a woman’s voice saying she couldn’t wait to see him. What a chump I am.
I had uncharacteristicly pressed his shirt, and styled his hair for his meeting a new “client”. We even spoke on the phone to pass the time while he was driving to the meeting a couple of hours away. Later I saw a $150 dinner on our joint charge account for that evening. Wow.
Made him move out of the house within a couple of hours of hearing that voicemail.
After 8 months of him sponging off our neighbors and sulking in their guest house gratis, he begged his way back onto lur property with lots of hoovering promises, and I let him move into our guest house. What a big mistake.
While promising fidelity and love for me, he just used that arrangement to go and come as he pleased, without me being the wiser.
Next thing I know, we were served with a business lawsuit for fraud by a few of his partners of an LLC! I learned through the lawsuit that
he had implicated me by making me CFO of the his managing company without my knowledge or any involvement. (Intentional?) I believed his explanations for awhile, but with the lawsuit is dragging out, and after learning of his deceits, I had to get my own attorney (that he is paying for).
This is galling for me to even admit, but at the very end of our marriage, I thought we were reconciling. My Mom died, and I wanted to put my family back together. Thought we could ” fix” this marriage. We began dating, went away for our 35th anniversary, and he couldn’t perform in bed because he was so drunk. I had been starved of sex for the last 5 years, but he always explained that it was work and money pressures and promised things would get better. Then I discovered he already had a serious new supply in the picture for over 18 months! That was the last straw for me. I filed, and I think he was shocked when I really went through with it.
At this time, nearly 2 years later, he is still paying the majority of my support, and legal bills for both the litigation and my divorce atty. He has no divorce council…
He initially delayed the devorce by not responding, only partially doing paperwork, etc. Now I have to redo my financials, find I’m dragging my feet too…. I will have a hard time supporting myself if I have to pay taxes on what he is payong now. I am building my business, but it takes time. The enormous stress has not been helping.
The lawsuit has complicated property division. I think he is only still paying because he wants our sons to inherit our beautiful ranch. Its a huge mess.
Through the years, He has always been financially scrambling, robbing Peter to pay Paul. He is buried in legal bills from multiple lawyers and another huge legal settlement he had to pay last year. Now living with the new supply, a 56 year old widow (he’s 66) I think she’s pretty much supporting him. I heard through the grapevine he took her to Hawaii, and they went away for Christmas. In the meantime our mortgage that month and insurance payment was late.
They have been together 3 years now. I hate that I think about them together and it hurts me. But I also finally have come to realize he is a pathological liar, serial cheater, unscrupulous in business, an alcoholic, but of course charming, handsome, athletic and well educated. Gee, whats not to love. It’s the trauma bond.
Our relationship started when I was only 19. Married at 21, then it takes me 36 years to finally be done?
Once I was done, he went cold as ice. On to the new supply.
We only text. Mostly I am contacting him about shut off notices and requesting feed for our horses. He knows how much feed they go through, but I have to ask for more feed every 2 weeks or so, because he buys such small quantities. Though I’ve asked him to buy feed without me asking, he doesn’t do it. I feel that he’s getting supply from me that way.
I want to be completely no contact, but have had to see him in court (the first time he did not even look at me (?!?!) and the last time he made sure to catch my eye and say good morning, which was just as bad. When he took the stand in phase 1 of the trial, the judge did not find him credible. My attorney says he has a “tell”. One that gets pathological liars in trouble. His charm has worn very thin. My fate is tied to his, so I can’t throw him under the bus. This sucks.
I See him now…and it is frightening.
Is he paying my support only until this lawsuit is decided?
Is he getting supply from me texting him?
Is he getting tired of his new supply yet?
Is he already cheating on her?
I would greatly appreciate your insight on what this narc has gone through after losing his constant companion.
I’m a little old for being a padawan ha ha. Maybe you could be Darth Vader 😜
Doesn’t banter need two people to participate to make it work other than that its just plain boring.
Age is just in the mind. For instance, I am immortal.
Yes banter does need two people. I speak, you laugh !
You got your response I just laughed out loud.
If age is in the mind I’m forever young then.
Told you that you could be a padawan !
Right again the HG ( or should I say master ) 😊
Nice bit of fuel there
Keep it coming !
All good thing come to those who wait 😜😜
I have to ask… Why are you helping us? Why divulge your secrets? From what I have learned… Narcs are all unfeeling and don’t care for anyone but themselves… So how is this benefiting you? I’m grateful… I need to hear these things, but I want to understand.
I am not helping you. Only you can help yourself. I am a believer in self-determination. I am obliged to write this blog as part of my treatment otherwise I face certain consequences. Secondly, I enjoy writing and interacting with people. Thirdly, I like an audience. I am not doing it because I care. I don’t. I am doing it for me. If you choose to use the benefit of my knowledge, insight and experience for your own purposes that is entirely up to you.
HG sounds line you’re being manipulated slightly there !
Ha ha how dare you !
The power is strong 😆may the force be with me. Ha ha
Was just an observation you having to do something to avoid certain consequences. Looks like a type of manipulation. 😱😱
Of course not. I get what I want in the end as usual. Jedi or Sith by the way?
I suppose I’m more Jedi at the min but I need to adopt my sith like traits in order to survive. No point asking you which you are ha ha .
I think this is another reason why I’m attracted to high functioning narcs as they appear to be more capable of intellectual banter something I like.
Actually I m the force. I am everywhere and everything and capable of anything. Keep honing those skills though my young padawan. Indeed, some intellectual banter is a thing of attraction just as long as I am doing the talking of course.
This post answers my questions. To a “T” and in a nutshell. Good to be able to bide time, and remain unaffected. I appreciate the knowledge I gain here…..
Thanks for letting me know Sidney.
I’ve quit my job as the constant, yay!😊 I am worried there will be a lot of tries to re-hire me, cause I proved to withstand an insane amount of pain.. I have never until now been able to keep No Contact longer than about 14 days. If I don’t reply he eventually sends long letters to my mailbox at home until I reply. What sort of shenanigans/fake promises do you think I could expect when he gets “desperate” after 30 days or so? (I’ve already heard them all; he’ll go to therapy, we’ll buy a house, have children, blah blah). I’m not gonna fall for those again.. so how would you step up the game, if your constant escaped you? Just having a lump of nervousness in my tummy here cause I don’t know what he will pull next. 😯
Yes you are right you will face repeated attempts to re-hire you. What has caused you to crumble around the 14 day mark? Is it something in particular contained in the letters and why do you feel compelled to reply. I know what drives your behaviour but I am interested to read if you do. In terms of stepping up the game,have you read Departure Imminent and Escape at all?
What caused me to crumble was a mix of things, probably because of trauma bonding/remaining “love”/bigger and bigger promises from him.. I struggled to believe that he was really lying all the time… If those are books you speak of, I have not read them, if they are blog posts I have probably read them all, but I do not remember them all, my memory has become very strange after being with the narcissist.. Oh well, I will resist this time, whatever he throws my way. Your blog is really helpful in reminding me of how it all really works. It is amazing that you are so aware of yourself and how you function, and that you inform others. A truly kind thing to do. 💜
They are books. You will find them interesting and insightful. Thank you for writing that you find the blog helpful.
Some days I can’t even understand the logic either. I feel sorry for him as I loved him warts and all. More fool me.
I know that now HG 😔😔
Wish I could stop thinking if I’d gone to India I’d still be the constant.
I know you’ve told me it was the best for me just doesn’t feel it.
No it won’t feel because our kind can just detach and move on. You cannot. It takes you far longer to process out the emotion even though you can accept the logic of it.
Newbie here: You keep referring to yourself as our kind. Where is the human identity you once were?
I was always being told your the only one I could ever see myself married to. There is no one but you for me. Wish I’d met you years ago life could have been so much different
Then puff
Discarded 😓😓
‘Twas ever thus Freedom.
So Im supposed to be this one then..the constant one…..because This gets said to me pretty often 😢…. I know I should run but slowly slowly there are now 100 seatbelts on me that if it were not for the blog it would even feel very safe.
It would appear to be the case Alexis.