Putting a Sex on You
I was in session with Dr E.
“So,” I asked, “what is today’s topic for discussion?”
“Sex,” he replied.
“Do I have to talk about this with you?”
He pushed his spectacles back.
“You do not have to talk about anything, but I would hope you would discuss this with me.”
“Can’t I talk to Dr O about sex?”
“Why? Are you uncomfortable discussing sex with another man?” he asked. I could see he had his pen poised ready to make a note.
“Not at all. Sorry, doctor but there is no homophobia about me.”
“What makes you say that?”
“Well you were about to suggest that my reluctance to discuss matters of sex with you denotes a homophobic trait on my part.”
“Not at all, that would be prejudging you and an unsafe basis for analysis.”
“I don’t believe you,” I replied.
“Why would you rather discuss sex with Dr O?” he asked. He showed no sign of irritation or disappointment at my preference.
“I would be interested to learn her views about sex. She is so pristine and clinical when I see her, I want to know what goes on under the bonnet.”
“These sessions are about you not us,” said Dr E.
“Don’t worry Dr E I have no interest in whether you apply nettles to your scrotum or whatever it is you do to excite yourself.”
“Is that something you have done?” he asked.
“No but I have used them on someone else.”
“Male or female?”
“Female.”
“Why?”
“The stinging sensation across the nipples or the inner thighs of course hurts but then that gives way to a delicious flood of pleasure when combined with the application of my tongue.”
Dr E was scribbling.
“I see, so you enjoy the fact it hurts the other person and then becomes pleasurable for her?”
“No.”
“Please do expand.”
“Will I get to talk about sex with Dr O?” I asked, shifting topic.
“On some aspects of sex, yes,” replied Dr E. I smiled.
“Good. Very well since that is going to happen and I will hold you to that promise Dr E, I will expand on my point.”
“I do it because the issue of that person’s pain and then pleasure is entirely at my gift. I control it and that appeals to me considerably.”
“So control in an sexual encounter is important to you?” asked Dr E.
“Control is the sexual encounter for me. I have little interest in my own sexual gratification, yes it feels pleasant when I orgasm but ultimately I can do that myself and invariably with more intense results. I have even less interest in the sexual gratification of another person. Denying them that sexual gratification? Now that is far more enjoyable than granting them their release. Sex is all about control. I am highly skilled in between the sheets.”
“Is that your conclusion or of others?”
“Both. You see I know how people think, I know how they react and I have had many sexual encounters with many different people. There are vast numbers of different permutations when it comes to what satisfies a person and no two people are the same. I am like a super computer. I can rattle through the various combinations until I hit the right approach which will send my bedroom companion into orbit. I am willing to apply every part of my body, every facet of my sexual knowledge in order to make that person feel utterly orgasmic. That gives me huge control over them and makes me very powerful. I know what turns them on, what makes them moan and scream and shudder in orgasmic bliss. I use this massively powerful ability of mine to bring them under my spell. Once that is done I will grant it and deny it as and when I see fit. I will purposefully do the things that does not arouse them in order to make them react. I will caress a partner in a public place and whisper in their ear that if they show any kind of reaction to what I am doing I will stop and deny them any sexual congress for an indefinite period. This gives them an earth shattering orgasm and underlines my control over them. I will interrupt a row with a girlfriend by taking her against the kitchen workbench. She soon forgets what the argument was about as I have her moaning in delight before I just walk off before she climaxes. Imagine how she follows me about the house begging for me to “finish her off”? Think of the promises she makes just to feel me inside her again? That is control. That is power. I work out a person’s sexual key code and deliver heaven. They find that addictive and want it so much. I find the power attached to this ability addictive. When you go to bed with me you are getting the best. Nobody afterwards will come close to what I give you.”
There was a long pause as Dr E jotted down my words. He looked a little flustered to me. I wished it was Dr O sat there instead.
“Do you think a sexual encounter should be about something other than control?”
I laughed at this comment,
“Heavens no, that is its only function. It is an instrument, like so many other things, to bring you under my spell, but I must admit, it is probably one of the most potent and effective instruments. Sex is actually rather boring but controlling the reaction and emotions of another person, well, now that is far more interesting.”
“Have you ever wondered what it would be like to give up that control and allow yourself to be enveloped in the ‘moment’ with the other person?” asked Dr E.
“No I cannot give up control. You see, I know there are those that engage in being tied up and punished, you know smacked with an open hand or a cane. They may get a sexual reaction from being treated like this but the real reason they do it is that they are giving up control. I had a girlfriend who was very submissive and allowed me to do…well I will let you use your imagination there doctor, but she wanted zero control. She was high up in a bank and responsible for millions of pounds and hundreds of employees and she wanted to be divested of that responsibility and give up her control if only for an hour or two. I found her explanation interesting but I could not understand it. Why give up control? Why surrender something you have worked hard to achieve? Control is the ultimate aim of taking someone to bed. I control them in that bed and the spell I put on them means that control extends far beyond the bedroom, such is its power.”
Dr E nodded and continued writing.
“What if you lost your sexual potency? What if you became impotent?” he asked.
“Why would that happen?”
“Plenty of reasons. Alcohol abuse, substance abuse, diabetes, age, anxiety. There are many reasons why this could happen.”
I shook my head.
“People like me don’t suffer that. God gave me the gift of sexual brilliance to further my purposes, He would not take it away from me.”
“But if it did happen, what would you do? How would you manage with such a loss of this marvellous instrument of control?”
“Are you taking the piss now doctor?” I snapped.
“Not at all. Just posing a relevant question aligned to your desire for control.”
“Listen doctor, don’t project your problems in that department onto me, okay?”
Dr E remained silent. I copied him an just sat in silence glaring at him. How dare he suggest I would lose my potency? What an idiot. He ought to know better than that by now. I kept staring at him waiting for his next clever remark but he just stared back. This stand-off went on for a few minutes but I knew he would look away first. I maintained my baleful gaze as the fury at his impertinence coursed through me and then he lowered his eyes to his black and red notepad and made some more notes. I had won.
“Not so cocky now are we doctor?” I muttered under my breath.
Learn more about the narcissist’s view of sex in the forthcoming book Sex and the Narcissist – available January 2016
101 thoughts on “Putting a Sex on You”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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HG, what amazes me every time I read about one of your consultations with Dr E is how cool and controlled he seems to respond to your provocations. I bet he had to do one hour of meditation before having those sessions with you. Lol. I suppose you have edited a little your sessions with him when writing about them, and I know he did know you and was a professional. However, I must ask, was he really always that cool and controlled in your sessions with him?
Yes. Xanax must be his best friend.
Yeah, mine too 😂
Yes, I thought he might have tried meditation first but then he was forced to change to Xanax. Poor Dr E.
But it is all his fault, correct?
Always.
Dearest HG,
In Sex & the Narcissist, you say you never experienced mutual orgasm..
“Have you ever wondered what it would be like to give up that control and allow yourself to be enveloped in the ‘moment’ with the other person?” asked Dr E.
“No I cannot give up control.”
– I would suggest this the reason – perhaps for you to orgasm at the same time as your partner, it would require letting go.. not just concentrating on her, but allowing yourself to join her and experience pleasure at the same time as her..
I have had this experience w quite a few lovers.. i find it intensifies the experience, so I recommend it..
Why do you think you have not had this experience?
(if it’s still th case) bc obviously it isn’t a lack of skill or interest on your part 😉
I am continuing my own exploration of you via your prolific œuvre.. fascinating.. yet incomplete.. xx
I have another type of experience with my ex-narc-husband.
He was absolutely controlling in bed in the beginning. Every time. I didn’t mind to give him such function, because I liked what he did and it wasn’t controversial with my internal world.
But, once he said “Control me. I want it. Make me forget who I am”. And I did it, because it wasn’t controversial with my internal world also.
At the next morning he avoided eye contact with me and was silent. I was silent too, because I felt he needed his private space. I served the table and said “Breakfast”. He just nodded, his back to me. I ate alone, did my dishes and left the kitchen. He came to kitchen and ate alone too.
Then he went out and was absent for 3 or 4 days. When he back, he was silent and I never questioned about his whereabouts. Silence and loneliness are my comfort zones, so I didn’t feel any problem with it.
He was silent for 1 month. He did his own stuff, worked, ate alone, disappeared from time to time. It didn’t bother me at all. I had my own life and I enjoyed it.
Then we started to communicate again and I never asked him why he behaved in such way. It was his problem, not mine. If he’d wanted to talk about it, I wouldn’t mind.
After awhile he repeated his “control me” request. And again, we had such period of “silence”. Then again and again. And every time the “silence” period was shorter then previous. We ended up with “no silence” periods at all. We never used any sex toys, just our bodies.
We never talked about it, but I guess it is hard to be “controlling” person on constant base. Even powerful ones need a rest from themselves, need such periods of “weakness”.
I also guess, he was afraid that I would laugh upon him after seeing him vulnerable. He protected his “powerful status” pretty fiercely, and god help ones who tryed to question it. But I never laughed upon him, because why should I? As I said, it was his problem, not mine. And as I said, I think that even powerful ones need a rest from themselves. I see nothing wrong with it.
I wonder, is there someone who had/has such type of experience? It is very unusual and interesting pattern of Narc’s behaviour, probably related to their deep hidden trust issue.
Interesting post HG
My N would always belittle me in the middle of sex and accuse me of being “loose” and accuse me of having sex with others. And then he couldn’t get off and of course that was my fault at all. It literally made my head spin.
Indeed Lake15 and all part of the drawing of fuel, manipulation and blame shifting.
How do we dissapoint?
By failing to provide us with the fuel at the level of potency, quantity and frequency that we require.
you were really cheeky while arguing and shutting him up … Your bedroom behaviour though … …. ….
HG
See… I googled up the lyrics of the song and just bought it in itunes 😃.
How do I live? How do I breathe?
When you’re not here I’m suffocating
I want to feel love, run through my blood
Tell me is this where I give it all up?
How do I live? How do I breathe?
When you’re not here I’m suffocating
I want to feel love, run through my blood
Tell me is this where I give it all up?
By the way Daniel Craig is british and has blue eyes 😃😃😜… For me the sexiest man on earth.. I think all of us ladies would break up the resolutions of NARCS AWAY when meeting one like that… Maybe break the resolutions for one night… 😂😂😜
And maybe for someone as pretty like you… Charming, good writter.. Awesome 😀… Do you also have a strong deep voice??
…… Ok I stop now.. I see Daniel Craig and get into another mode..😝😖
Well thank you for that Miss Moneypenny.
HG I have a question. Did you watch spectr the new 007 movie? I suppose he is of your kind but as you might see in the movie they attribute him feelings… Same with lion king, in the second movie they even speak of my kind and your kind and also that there is a darkness casted over the bed one… Clear narcissistic environment in a cartoon movie and at the end the little one who was supposed to become a narc also ended up showing feelings.. While driving the theme song of 007 played and the blog and your answer about power and the two movies which by the way I watched last week with my N bf ( his suggestion) came to my mind.
So there is never a feeling in you ? Different than gaining power? Never the desire to feel protected? Close? Nothing?
No I have not yet seen it but I will be doing so shortly. I am the firm view that James Bond is one of our kind. I cannot comment on the attribution of feelings as I have not seen it, but once I do, I will. I only ever feel envy, power, jealousy and hatred. I do feel the need to be protected, from criticism and I use my fury to deal with that ( that’s another one for your reading list dear Nikita).
Thanks alot for your answer: i will keep it in mind. Envy, power, jealousy and hatred… Interesting…
I already bought fury as soon as you published 😃. I think I was your first customer. Im still in the middle of scape though… And mourning the pain of my dissolving relationship 😓… The pain I feel I cant describe in words here… Your blogs and your books took me to a dead end street. My relationship was going well… Some bullets had started to scape ( (last posting) but in general well… But I saw the reality of what it could turn into any minute… He had spoken of moving in together to his place… The terrible sad stories of the other ladies… ” i have to get out of here” … But Im very sad.. Sometimes the pain even cuts my breathing….
On the other side I recommend the movie.. The combination of the sounds with the special effect keep the adrenaling going…
Dear HG
The question of Castiel above ” a searching for something (which is clearly supply/fuel)…do you want to connect?
I look forward to your blog on feelings…”
I already asked also on what is the feeling behind fuel. For us empaths feelings is everything. For NARCS fuel is everything but what is behind fuel?? Feeling close? Feeling cared for? Feeling accepted??
One of my ex narc boyfriends who is a coach and an NLP trainer once told me that negative and painful strikes are better than no strikes and that these ones were also looking for closeness….
I dont think we are asking the impossible to listen to yourself and let us know what is the feeling behind fuel 😳😳😳???
By the way I start getting free from my N boyfriend and I gave thanks in my mind and in tweeter to Ross Rossber and you in tweeter but I could not name you with @ sorry… My social media is being watched.. But its you… Thanks again.
Behind Fuel is power. It is as simple as that. Thank you for the acknowledgement on Twitter.
Thanks for posting my comments.. I was getting worried I had written something unappropriate.
Thanks for the answer on Power. Understood.
No problem. I don’t always manage to get through them as quickly as I would like, especially when I am travelling.
Oh no a Narc on the move can be dangerous new prey may be in view.
Take cover everyone 😊😊
Hush, I am in new virgin territory here. The view from the window, despite the rain, is impressive although when I shift my view inside it becomes even better.
Oh yes don’t want to spook the prey me Attenborough ( aka HG)
Must be in the uk then phew can’t be my ex N then.
Spoiler alert
Past RUN RUN RUN for your life
Love your sense of humour Freedom!
Run indeed!
Hi castiel
It’s been 7 mths if hell and trauma for me since my ex narc devalued/ discarded me and then within weeks married his next prey. It has taken this long for the old me to surface again 😊
Freedom…It’s so good that the old you is resurfacing, it shows that despite the horror and the sheer incomprehensibility of being discarded and devalued in a way that suggests you don’t exist or are lesser than a human being…the core of you, the essence of you is strong…stronger for the experience…where you might have thought this person broke you…destroyed you…deconstructed you…They haven’t! You should look in the mirror everyday and remind yourself of your beauty and strength and courage…His loss…your freedom and gain for a better life x
I was in a dark place for sometime Castiel. But yes bit by bit I’m returning to my old me. I just need to get strong not to let him back in if he ever tries and not to allow any others in. Hope you’re ok to. X
I’m good Freedom, thank you.
I hope you continue finding the strength to keep him out of your life. Simply living with the knowledge that underneath their charm and magnetism (i.e. fairy dust) and their ability to mirror your deepest desires is the real them…a vacuous space, with them trying to fill their never ending emptiness by sucking the life force out of those who are full with energy…
It’s tragic really. I think it probably sucks to be a narcissist!
Alice you are great. 😀😀👍🏻👍🏻. Ill keep that in mind. “A constructively ambigous man.”
As soon as I am completely free from R, i will take a break from all men and go for myself for a while… I need a break of 25 years of relationships with the wrong men. All of them can you believe!!!! 😓.
Getting out if this vicious cycle was possible thanks to HG for the “real” theory on toxic and to Ross Rosemberg for the “real” theory on codependency. I am everlastingly thankful to these two men.
And when I find the new HIM i will add you to my list and be everlastingly thanks to Alice for her concept of “constructively ambigous man”😂😂😃👍🏻👍🏻. Sounds good. This is maybe what we need 😃.
let me know if you find him before me or I will do so If I find him before you. Big hug
Alice Im looking for exactly the same packet !!!! 😂😂😂.
I know youre past capricornian love story and as I told you before it still inspires me… Or lets say encourages me as with HG’s kind you need coursge and not inspiraction.
Macht gut et a la prochaine 😃👍🏻
Nikita,
I just Reda a Term yesterday that is very suitable: *constructive ambiguïty*.
How about a new EU & CH package label Norm for quick & easy identification:
‘A constructively ambiguious man’
🤓
Maybe I can start with HGs brother. Is he tall at least?? Im almost 5ft 11 and I start to set my standards.. I no longer need a handsome man.,, but tall remains.
For now on the list
No personality disorders
Taller then me
And because of this training idea from Alexis I scratch boring from the list. 😂😂
And HG a very special Happy New Year for you. From my heart ( translate it in admiration for you and your work) . Wishing you lots of positive fuel and that you find a balance on that matrIx to keep you going steady 😃. Thanks for this blog.
Nikita,
That’s a good one (‘not handsome but tall remains’) hihi I loved that – I too am 5’11 tall, another thing WE have in Common:-) – and I would never even consider a man who isn’t at least 6’2 or taller – I need him to be stronger, smarter and older than me, that’s a must!! By stronger I mean both physically and mentally. Emotion-wise and intellectually, I like an eye-to-eye level, I like it when he has skills and knowledge of stuff I am not familiar with, and vice versa. I to be taught stuff from men, I like to learn from them but I also like to inspire them in certain ways, kind of being their muse. The same goes for what happens in the bedroom (and elsewhere erotically), and THAT together is the package I need. He could offer that but he wasn’t able to offer real connection and intimacy – instead, he’d always spoil it by throwing in other women one way or another, in order to build walls. That ruined everything good and passionate and thrilling. It’s a tell-tale sign of huge insecurity in a man and it makes him common, un-special. He becomes just another serial lover and that’s just boring.
It’s the end of any Capricornian love;-)
Happy New Year to you Nikita (yes, we should meet one day!), and fellow-ladies here! And acknowledgements and thanks to HG for getting real here every now and then.
😂😂😂😂 alexis how do you train a boring man to become fun!!!!! Give me some insights on that one. I have a rule “prohibited to get bored” !!
But all these years of the rollercoaster from Narc to narc have bored me also… Need to find a balance…, train the boring guy 😂😂.
Happy new year!! 🎉🎉
Happy new year Nikita
Well I didn’t say I had the answers haha
But this has worked for me.
Basically by using the same principles as an N does ( but only the good stuff really and not to ever be cruel)
So use the lovebombing techniques coupled with a little withdrawal when things don’t go as you want. Essentially train and condition them to excite you and do the things you want. But without the nasty devaluation or discard. Just a little bit of ST when needed.
Use some NLP, always helps.
Reading books like Robert Green’s seduction has a few pointers. (Not for you HG, you don’t need that !)
But it’s for good purposes, to ensure you meet someone with a warm and kind heart who can be fun too. definitely not to be like an N.
So you take the lead and build them up, until they’re ready to take the lead a little.
Hey Alexis thanks! Youre sweet. Im not so sure If I can use those Narc techniques myself.. I stay myself despite of having been so much in there with them…
And men are men and they stay boring when they are boring. We cant ask anymore 😝.
Better take a break away from them… Soumds good doesnt it?? 😀
Yes take a break nikita. Glad you’re staying true to yourself 😉
This is how I Conquered this exact thing. My “N” is remarkable in bed. But I took that control away from him by not thirsting for him.
I began to offer him “one-sided” sex when he claimed to have “needs”.
That angered him greatly because I wasn’t longing to be pleased by him. He could please me and I’d climax within seconds or minutes without any foreplay. And I was not allowing him to “please” me.
He took the control back by using the bible, ” your body is not your own”. Saying that pleasing me meant he loved me and by not allowing him to do so I was rejecting his “love and affection”. I felt like a bad christian, wife, and lover.
I fell for it.
Soon, I was to perform exaggerated TV passion, noises, and moaning even though it was not real. He didn’t care that it was fake. It was about making me die to myself. It was about me being inferior and submitting myself to him. It worked. … for a time…
Then I decided to stop faking. He grew increasingly frustrated when I said he’d have to earn it.
I refuse being pleased by him and now I understand why he rejects quickies or “one-sided” orgasms. If it’s all about controlling me then what interest would he have in only pleasing himself.
I hated foreplay. And I was rendering him powerless. He then would gaslight me and accuse me of not having a sex drive. He started sending me articles on how to increase it. I believed it. .. for a while…
Then he came home with cucumbers, and other funny toys but it was futile.
He even threatened to divorce me this Christmas for not having sex with him while the kids were napping. Instead, I made lasagna from scratch.
Now, I take the credit of his skills in the bedroom away by saying, “I trained him to be that good and I could train another”.
I also used to offer to satisfy my ex Narc when he claimed he had needs. It wasn’t game okay on my part it was well just because I’m not in the mood doesn’t mean he should be rejected/ denied. It surprised me how annoyed he’d get I found it strange as I didn’t understand as he was being satisfied !!
Looking back I know see this is where he began to do the game playing more. He would engage in intimacy but he would decided when it stopped didn’t matter where we were at good be bang in the middle of pleasure 😔when I said why I got you should always leave them wanting more.
The more I analyse and read these blogs and HGs books the more I can let go and see him for the arse and fake he really is.
So what about you HG, would you have encounters with someone who was only in it sexually ? Or do you always have to have complete control over them ?
Not a proposition HG so don’t get any ideas !!
Plenty of time for propositions alexis. If I gained fuel from the encounter then it is a green light. If I thought there was no fuel available then I am not interested.
Interesting HG
Maybe time could be on your side
Alice and nikita, I totally agree with everything you’ve both said.
But you can work through those thoughts to detach the emotions from the enjoyment of the sex. And there are definitly some good men out there who are fun too.
Or you could always train a boring man to become fun !
Try my brother.
Absolutely, I am just over here!
Hey Alice!! Hello again.
Again your words are my words!!! Somehow we resonate in a similar way…im in the same situation. This blog educated me so much that the magic is gone… Nevertheless I still love him veryyy much 😓.
About the sexual energy it sounded so known and familiar… Your hopes my hopes but I do still feel the sexual rush in presence of a narc. Let me know if you once come near Switzerland!
Guterutsch!!!! Hugs
Happy New Year Alice & Nikita! Reading all these responses, my experience matches both of you the closest. Powerful and primal says it best for the sexual dynamic between my Narc and I. I’ve become stronger at avoiding him if merely thru texting but if face to face and the second I lay eyes on him, it’s like the earth stops on its axis for a moment. It is potent and he has never yet denied having desire for me in that area even though I’ve been devalued in other ways.
However, since him and especially reading HG’s books and blogs along with therapy, over 5 months, my Narc radar is so hyper-sensitive. When I meet one through job associations or social networking, it’s like I have to choke the vomit back down my throat. They are utterly repulsive to me. So, as I may still have a weak spot for my current Narc not quite shaken, I know he’ll be the last one that ever gets close to me.
Interesting Clarece and in particular that you have honed your narc detector to such a degree. Why do you think that your current narc has this effect on you? Has he laid down something “powerful and primal” which immediately connects with you when you see him or are you keeping the fire alive for him? Perhaps it is a combination of the two?
To answer your question, a tragic situation occurred not long after our meeting creating a bond, if you will, between the two of us. And at times he has used it against me, but now understanding levels of fuel with hoovers and him thinking I’m “hot blooded”, I get that I will actually have somewhat of a hold on him as well. It’s just private and not something I can share in this type of open forum.
Well, when I read this blog I somewhat miss being *controlled* in that way… LOL
But then… I remember the other side of the coin (ya’ll know what I’m talkin’ about – that bullsh*t aka manipulations/machinations/sick mind games which eventually come along with that ‘tease & denial attitude’) and the sexual rushtrigger immediately vanishes. It’s strange: I found his ‘sexual control’ very enticing, exciting and challenging at that strange time of my life. That sexual thing we had, that special ‘dance’, was new, fun and interesting! In fact, that’s why I chose him as a lover in the first place:-9
But after a while, the curiosity and newness of it all was replaced by the painful and unhappy stage when I equally craved and hated ‘the (sexual) dance’. When I finally understood what he was like and educated myself on NPD, the mystery faded and so did the compelling or commanding nature and ‘feel’ of his sexual control… he became predictable and the farce became clearly visible. It was just a farce, an ever repeating charade of simple psychological techniques that he had used on all women before me (and that he’d use on all the ones after me) – there was nothing special about what we had (except that it was an especially huge lie in my life).
Well, I have to admit used to be very good at intentionally ‘detecting’ those kind of men, or should I say: at attracting them:-D. Their sexual energy resonated with me and vice versa. It just seemed to ‘match’. This is still the case when I allow it to happen. But since I detached psychologically, emotionally and vibrationally from that narc, men of that kind simply do not have the same spell effect on my ‘guts’ any more.
The magic wand and smoke screens do not work any more, because I can predict every little trick and see right through them. That prevents any spell or thrill or spell. Maybe I am just resonnating at a different level now?
I just can not succomb any more, so The Thrill Has Gone.
I wish someone could bring it back one day by coming from a place of light instead of darkness. The question is: is that even possible?
Questions, questions…;-)
There is this highly interesting vlog on ‘eroticized rage’ on YouTube by a (strange but clear-sighted) guy called Luke Ford. I am not including the link here because the comment won’t load up otherwise, but you can find it on YouTube by typing in the name and title into the search mask.
The beginning is a bit lengthy but it is worth while sticking to that vlog and watching it from beginning to end. Because afterwards, you’ll finally get the intertwinement between narcissism, sex & love addiction and control! At least I did – I was totally overwhelmed by the insights I gained from processing that vlog!!
As regards your post malignarc: Oui, vous savez de quoi vous parlez, Monseigneur! 😀
Joyeux Reveillon à tout le monde!
Happy New Year!
Frohes Neues Jahr!
Good article HG. i agree with this lne totally. The best sex ever is with a Narc and the sense of control they show is even more exciting. A narc cant make love unfortunately … So what I dont know is if even having the best sex ever… I would miss the real tender lovemaking that a Narc can never offer… I dont know…
so HG with this post now Kat and me can confirm that the cliche of the driving is not true with you 😂😂😂??
Ha ha yes you can confirm
If you reword your accusations so that they do not sound like an attack or the wrong doing of your narc you can get them to reevaluate their response or action towards you. A straight call out of them being wrong or an attack on their “perfect” facade will only make them angry… that can go one of two ways.
You will have to learn their game well if you want to continue to play. At some point you will feel you have the upper hand BUT never EVER allow yourself to feel you have won because you will lose. I think this all really depends on how emotionally strong you are and how you learn to maneuver the puzzle pieces.
HG do you ever take responsibility for your behaviour?
Never. I am above accountability. Why should I when it is never my fault?
Ha! Seriously! Wow! Why can you not just admit when you’re at fault. You must at least see it regardless of whether you believe you are above accountability. I suppose to admit it would challenge your sense of omnipotence.
Is there absolutely no reasoning with a narcissist?…I don’t even know why I am asking … I already know the answer. I suppose I hold out hope that you can change.
Why on earth would I admit to being at fault when I am not? It always has to be your fault. There is no hope for anything else. Yes, you answered your own question. Do hold out that hope, we like that, it keeps you around for longer.
Well, he was terrible in bed. V, it looks like they all attend the same narc school. Satan told me, “I listen to your body. I do what your body tells me to do. But boy, he sucked in bed. I gave him 3 chances to improve and after that I was done. When he asked why, I simply told him, “you suck in bed. I am tired of faking it.” He called me every name in the book but I was already done. He tried getting back with me but the bad sex was bad enough to not let me give him another chance.
Interesting Mills, he knew the lines but could not deliver on the goods. Mind you, it was your fault really wasn’t it?
Yes, I can see how it would be about control for him.
It seems he only gives me what I think is passion and great sex after he shows up in my life again after being gone. Then, the sex starts to drop off again until he vanishes once again.
This is an extremely tough decision on choosing one line from the song…. but I guess if I had to choose just one that is the most powerful for me it would be “I won’t let you be denied”. All I ever wanted was to make him feel like he was the only man in the world who could truly own my heart and at one point that was true BUT I started to see myself slip away, him become more controlling, demanding and less interested in how I felt. He has even resorted to physical abuse. The problem here is that I am tainted and NOT perfect even though he says I am perfect with him. I have Multiple Sclerosis….do I really need to be with someone that will lose interest in me if I ever become severely ill? I’d rather be alone and create my own ridiculous fantasy world of unicorns and mermaids. I am okay with this. I am not okay with giving myself away… I too have desires, interests and hobbies. I too LOVE time for myself, I cannot keep giving 100% of me. I feel suffocated.
To answer your question regarding my narc, yes even after I know what y’all are I do feel loved at times. It makes me crazy because I know the truth. I cannot stand to hear him say he loves me though. I have told him I don’t want to hear it… his words mean nothing to me any more BUT his actions now are what count.
Here is a question for you: Why on earth do y’all even bother asking ANYONE to marry you? I am tired of that question as well. I am very clear when I say that I will NOT marry my narc until he changes his ways. I know he won’t change BUT I will NOT be belittled, abused or restricted from my desires.
You know that you work like a computer learning and adjusting accordingly to your chosen environment; why not choose actions as well? Not everyone needs materialistic stuff to be happy or “head over heels” for someone. Words mean nothing if you cannot back it up. By no means am I trying to give you ideas on your next feed BUT in reality there are a lot of us who will live in the fantasy world with y’all as long as we receive our fuel too. After we are drained we know that we cannot “fix” anyones heart (or mind) without receiving fuel too.
While I very much enjoyed this post, it was almost as great as one of my favorite “Sleeping Beauty” novels, I find it hard to believe that you actually know what will completely and utterly please each person you have been with or will come into contact with. How are you picking your women? Do you not have a woman look at you and just finish herself instead of begging and giving you control? Not all empaths are sexually inept. How do you deal with that? I know that my narc did not take too kindly to it in the beginning however things have changed. I find him being more selfish now but as you said I can do a much better job myself so it isn’t really bothersome.
Hi Leslie, I know through a disciplined approach. The initial conversations we have, when I am mining for information will also include ascertaining certain likes and dislikes in the bedroom. As mentioned, I work through the permutations (of which I know many as a consequence of varied experience) once in between the sheets. Sometimes I get it wrong but listen and observe so I can tell it is not hitting the spot so I change tack. I don’t instantly know what makes someone feel orgasmic, I work it out. Bear in mind as well that in the golden period everything feels wonderful so this background of delight only adds to the occasion once we go to bed. If someone is besotted with me through the love bombing then they are more…..malleable shall we say and easier to please because they want to be pleased as they want everything to be golden. I am not suggesting that empaths are sexually inept, not at all, indeed many are very in tune with what they want and with a little coaxing soon say so I can log that information and use it later (as I do with everything). Sometimes, when I am exerting control in a different way I will deny gratification and leave them to see to themselves as I go and do something else.
I have a hard time understanding that you ACTUALLY listen as my narc DOES NOT listen in almost every aspect of our lives together.
This is very frustrating. I have learned that he will listen if he wants to keep this source BUT will he actually care to remember? When you say that the person you are love bombing is malleable I agree however I don’t believe its because they want to be pleased; more like they want to please you because you have already made them feel mentally euphoric. You have already created the fantasy in our mind and even if it were not that great it is absolutely the best sexual encounter at this point in time and we want to reciprocate.
All of this reminds me of a song I once dedicated to my narc… I think this applies to ALL narcs from their empaths….
Muse – “Undisclosed Desires”
This is a very tough situation as it seems to always repeat… I know we cannot “fix” everyone BUT it is possible to be with someone who shows you love. It is very hard to believe that someone is incapable of having any type of “feeling” towards others regardless if it is a possession type of feeling. I always say talk is cheap, actions do speak louder than words.
I only listen when it serves an ulterior purpose, otherwise I hear nothing when others speak as I am either too busy thinking about what I am going to do next in terms of gathering fuel or I just hear their attack or criticism which ignites my rage.
I note your point and suspect it is both. The subject wants to be pleased and as you write also wants to please me and thus in the heightened environment of the golden period the effect is glorious.
Yes that song is rather apt for my kind. Which line from the song resonates most with you? I have written down the line I think you will choose. Let me know and I will tell you if it is the one that I selected.
Do you feel loved by your narc even when you learn what we are?
Yes talk is cheap – that is why we use words more than actions. See also the ranking of different types of fuel in my book Fuel for something on that point.
Thank you for your reply.
I try so hard to understand what life must be like for you…people considered narcissists. All I seem to experience from them is an emptiness within them, a searching for something (which is clearly supply/fuel)…do you want to connect?
I look forward to your blog on feelings…trying to understand and figure out what goes on inside the mind of a narcissist is doing my head in!
You are welcome. The only connection that matters to me is the one that connects me to a supplier of fuel. It is interesting to see how as an empathic individual you try and put yourself in our shoes but we cannot and do not want to put ourselves in your shoes. Keep reading the blog and the books and your head will feel less done in!
You know we all need some type of fuel in order to feel from others. Of course we can always make ourselves feel wonderful and be happy alone but if we choose a partner we will always need some type of fuel.
Welcome to the club Leslie!
No…. I am NOT apart of your club. I truly care about others. My heart hurts to see people in pain. That IS what makes it hard to leave my narc for the little “acts” of sadness he puts on. I know its false BUT I know how stupid my heart is too.
I thought I had a recruit there but your second sentence affirmed your empath status. I don’t think your heart is stupid, I am delighted it is the way it is.
I am almost done with “Fuel”. This really explains a lot of the questions I have asked in several posts… Very informative. I see your need for fuel and how it is derived…but at some point you do suggest that one person can give this fuel. How long will that ultimately last and is that really true because it seems that there really is a desire to get it constantly for many sources.
How long it will last depends on how long they supply us with the quality and quantity of the fuel we need. Invariably they let us down and that is why we have to go to different sources. We do not have a desire to get it from many sources, we just have to, because one source is not enough.
I might be guided by my heart, emotions and my fantastical world full of fallacies BUT I am a logical thinker. 😉
HG…fascinating article…have you never made love to someone? must it always be about controlling the other person? …do you even like the person you’re having sex with?…
Have you ever felt intense love and affection for someone…or do you just oscillate between like and hate?
Intrigued….
Hi Castiel, I have learned that what other people regard as love is not something that I feel. I have conformed with the concept of making love to create that appearance and setting for others. They have remarked how wonderful making love was etc so it certainly conformed with what they thought was happening. I did not feel it however. Yes I do like the person I am having sex with because they are giving me want I want, fuel. I have learned that what others regard as intense love and affection are alien concepts to me. As for hatred, well I know plenty about that. Your query is timely though – watch out for tomorrow’s blogpost which is all about feelings.
My ex narc also suggested me having sex with another man or woman so he could watch. Not my cup of tea thanks. He also showed me up in a hotel bar by saying we should ask the other couple in the bar if they fancied a foursome !! I was disgusted and left for my room. He came to the room a little later saying I’d over reacted it was only a joke. We had a disagreement I went and sat in my car in the freezing cold he just went to sleep like there was nothing wrong!!
I’ve also discovered he had pics of him having sex with his many exes on his phone as well as many sex toys in his bedroom. ( which he didn’t use with me thank god!)
The woman he’s married is in a very responsible job maybe she likes to hand over control !
Hi freedom 🙂 narc tried to make a joke out of it with me too when I said for the last time NO , he said he needed to find a new fantasy /reality like he was choosing something from a menu .. He ” actually ” thought it was normal , but like you something inside of me said no it wasn’t ..you get so worn down with the control that you don’t even trust your own mind even though you know you’re right x
Hi So Sad,
My narc said something similar when I refused continuously. It was something like well we’ll have to think of another fantasy one we can agree on. But try stepping out of your comfort zone you never know you might like it. I refused again he got very arsey said I don’t think you’re as into me as I am with you. If you loved me enough you’d try it once if you don’t like it we don’t have to do it again. I replied no. He finished it for two weeks and then hoovered me back up. 😔
Thank you
Great article though.
Thank you
I have a few thoughts on this one but some things are better left unsaid I think.
Anyway HG, I’m intrigued to know, the girl from the bank, she was in control at work but liked to be controlled sexually. Did you manage to control her in other ways as with your other fuel ?
Indeed, it is all about control. Updates on that will be forthcoming.
I’ll look forward to it
Probably almost as much as she did !
Problems with sexual function are actually quite common to narcissists. Their porn addictions and control-induced fantasy perversions ensure a ‘normal’ sexual encounter can leave them cold. My narc definitely had issues with this kind of loving intimacy. Once we were in a committed relationship he went off giving oral sex or making much effort to pleasure me, he’d already secured his supply after all. Getting the supply was the exciting bit, once he had it…… sex lacked the control element and was less…..well…… sexy. Woe betide me if I was ever anything other than a willing recepticle, not matter or for how long or in what position I was contorted into. I had to close my eyes, smile in the correct way, blah blah blah. In retrospect, my narc was quite pathetic, he showed me the wounded inner child quite a lot…. That can’t have been sexy for him!
Spot on!
This is something I actually agree with. It’s all about control and dominance. I’ve yet to understand all the trashy romance novels of love and all that. Because if you give that control away, what are you left with ?
I have a special name for ex narc ,I won’t reveal it here but lets just say in all the years we were a couple he couldn’t raise a smile let alone maintain an erection for any length of time , He did towards the end get viagra but only so he could use it for his online sex sessions with his new target at the same time he started wanting me to slap and punch his genitals , tie them up and use a vibrator on him ( I’ll leave you to guess where ) even then it wasn’t enough to stimulate him, It was never about me even when he tried desperately to convince me that I would “enjoy” having sex with other men while he watched after he’s posted holiday pictures of me on adult forums without my knowledge ..
Of course it was your fault he was not stimulated. If only you had done as he had wanted and submitted to his control of you by engaging in extra marital sex, then everything would have been fine wouldn’t it?
So I thought at the time if I’m honest ..malignnarc such was his ” control ” that I actually considered consenting to it .. how sad is that? , however something in my head said I would never ” prostitute ” myself for the ” love ” of any man because at that point I still thought he cared .. little did I know that I was at the discard stage & he was using me purely to fulfill his sordid fantasies .. I meant nothing to him .. When I said no it was the final nail in the coffin lid for us & we both knew it .. He still carried on ” using” me for sex though in the absence of being able to physically have a relationship with his new target who lived 1000s of miles away , not that it’s stopped him .. he’s got her now .. poor woman
Looking forward to your updates 🙂
I guess I’ve misjudged Loser as far as being a narcissist. It was all about HIM. He could have cared less about me…unless of course, he thought it was understood that he was a “God” in bed, too. Sorry to say, he wasn’t…not even close.
That is his sense of entitlement coming to the fore. He probably thought he was brilliant in bed and thus was doing you a favour in taking you there. Did you ever point out that he was falling below par on that front?
Not until our marriage was over. True to himself, he blamed me for having “Puritan ways.”
Ah well he will have considered himself giving you what you wanted during the marriage and in his mind all was well. Of course it was your fault. Everything is.
It’s funny. He liked my innocence and “Puritan ways” when he met me. I was good enough to bear his children but I wasn’t the tramp he really wanted. He always had those on the side.
Water seeks it’s own level and he sure sought (and finally found) his equal…and it wasn’t me.
Great blog again and once again totally spot on. My ex used to tell me something kind of weird, he would say, after me me stroking his ego about his performance,” I just do what your body tells me to do, it’s all you “, as if to say he had no part in it.
He preferred it seemed to me, performing oral sex. Even then he would say it was all my doing, not his.
Kinda weird I thought.
Very interesting blog HG, thx for writing it.
You are welcome and thanks for contributing.