Bring the Fury
Fury is the instrument of the narcissist. It is a tool that we deploy in furtherance of our aims. The narcissist’s toolbox is a thing to behold. It contains many devices, objects and instruments that we deploy in order to secure our objectives. Other people may use these devices in a similar if diminished form but they will not be anywhere near as dangerous and effective as the ones that lurk in my toolkit. Some of these instruments are used to subjugate, others are deployed to control and yet again there are others that will be used for the purposes of manipulation. The placing of fury in this toolbox recognises its use to the narcissist as one of his prime instruments.
All of our kind bring the fury but what is it? It will be instructive to start by considering what it is not. Fury is not anger. Anger is below fury on the scale of violent responses. Anger is a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure or hostility. It is greater than vexation, it is something more than feeling cross and it is beyond exasperation. Notwithstanding this, it is less than fury. It does not contain the unbridled vitriol that is synonymous with fury. Nor does it contain the violent hostility that one finds with fury. What is most important to know about anger is that it is a normal emotion and thus by comparison, fury is an abnormal emotion, hence why fury sits in our toolkit. Anger is an intense emotional response that is normal in nature and arises as a consequence of real or perceived provocation. Anger in itself is neither good nor bad. It can be used for either purpose and it is down to the manner in which that particular person handles it. An individual may direct it into violence towards another person in order to protect him or herself from a threat. Alternatively, it may manifest in the destruction of property. You as a normal and empathic individual become angry. Indeed, as part of our mission to obtain fuel we strive to provoke anger in you, either through angry gestures or through angry words on your part. This provides us with fuel when you react in this emotional fashion. It is an acceptable and understandable response for an individual to become angry.
It is a normal response to a threat or harm. It also releases pressure that builds up inside a normal person. The expression of anger enables people to dissipate this pressure and thereafter feel spent but better for having been angry, as opposed to suppressing the sensation and allowing the pressure to build even further. Some normal people can only take a small amount of pressure before they blow a fuse whereas other people may be regarded as slow-burners who take a long time before they express anger. In either instance the response is an entirely normal one. People become angry for a host of different reasons.
You may agree that anger certainly serves a purpose and concur that helpful and beneficial consequences can arise from this normal emotion. I should imagine that you will also venture to suggest that there is a downside to anger, that results in destructive behaviour and violence. That is not anger. That is fury. That is when something beyond anger is experienced and this fury is more prevalent amongst my kind.
Interestingly, anger also results in a suspension of empathy by those who behave normally. The individual, through anger, becomes focussed on his or her own needs and requirements. This is not applicable to me. There is no empathy to suspend. That is why we do not deploy anger. We have no need of a device to suspend our empathy because we do not have any. This is a further reason why anger serves no actual purpose to us and why we must deploy fury instead. Anger is a normal reaction. We operate outside of the usual normative values. This normal anger serves certain purposes. None of those purposes are of any use to my kind and me. Anger can be regarded as a force for good. That is not something that we are interested in.
Fury is beyond anger. It is wrath, frenzy and savagery. Someone who is furious has gone the extra emotional mile. One might even consider it to be madness. The wild nature of fury causes it to surpass anger and fury is not to be found in the responses of the normal person. I will emphasise that point. You will not find fury as a response of a normal person. Anger? Yes. Fury? No. The deployment of fury is the hallmark of the abnormal. If fury were a normal reaction there would be chaos as explosions erupted everywhere. Most relationships would disintegrate, more people would be injured, and property broken and destroyed and the repercussions for society as a whole would be severe. The cost in terms of money, emotion and well-being would be enormous. Consider the number of times you have been angry. It has happened has it not? You will also be able to recall when your parents or at least one of them became angry, a friend, a stranger, a colleague or a partner. You have seen anger in everyone and that is because it is normal. They may have used that anger for some purpose, kept it in check or let it flow over them and dissipate with no consequence. For those of you have had an encounter with fury, you will also know it. It will have happened amongst fewer people than the categories that I have just mentioned. This is because the development of people has been such that fury cannot become the norm. If it does then society would begin to break down. You may have seen many instances of fury from one particular individual. That is because that person is not normal. They are the exception.
62 thoughts on “Bring the Fury”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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Hi. Just found your website and books and pretty hypnotised. Can you suggest which one of your books I should read first.
The story. Met a 52 yo man five months ago. Fallen in love quickly – unusual for me. He got divorced 10 years ago and has two older kids. After his marriage he had a 8 year long relationship with a woman 20 years younger. Gorgeous attractive man, loved bombed me and then started silent treatment. The key fact is, I have abandonment issues. I kept asking, why are you withdrawing? Could perceive slight differences every day – at the beginning he said wanted to grow old with me and that he loved me and that he had the strongest feelings and the likes. He looked sincere. Then after four months things escalated quicky. He was sick (or said he was) stressed out at work and started withdrawing. Lashed out on the phone one day but it was so out of character for him that I thought it wasn’t important. Then one week later while on vacations one morning he does lash out – that was fury. It lasted 12 hours, he said between us it is over and I am going back home. We drove home together before the end of our vacation. He was silent most the time and furious the rest of the time. Still trying to understand that fury. He said it is 100% my fault. Said we’re incompatible. That I am too clingy and that I am crazy. I have gone no contact since, he has too. My question: I am not sure how can a 52 yo man have a 12 hours lash out destroy and humiliate his gf and forget about it the next day. It felt so over the top that I thought he was being so self-righteous because he had gotten so involved and promised so many things that he needed to do that to destroy the relationship. But it was also impulsive and not fully premeditated as if he simply couldn’t help it. What happens in a narc after an episode like this? What’s the cost of such fury in a narc if any?
Will continue reading you and thanks for your advice
the opposite of fury is calm
There has been only a few times I have read through this and not read through the thread. I’ve never been so pissed off with you as I have been with this. I pride myslef with not getting upset with your blog. Ugh…. Still, thank you for the honesty. You dick.
H.G., Do you supposed the same rage works the same in a sociopath?
Yes Passiel, the sociopath is a Greater. We just are able to exert more control of the rage.
Oh, I see. That explains quite a lot to me then. Thank you.
Pleasure.
Can a lesser or mid-ranger be a sociopath too?
Anti social traits can be present, yes.
scary 🙁
That was the exact answer I was looking for. Then you are aware of what your trying to avoid and the horrific damage it may cause. I understand this completely. I raised to kids that are now adults and I never laid a hand on them for fear of the creature.
Having resently been to the extreme end of my rage I will say it was more healing for me and the fear was bigger in my child, emotional deprived mind. I can still walk in and out of my basement and lock the door but I no the other side of my rage and it was not near as frightening. I have not delt with any of the abuse but I now now the creature will be at some point tamed or gone if I work hard enough. I am just curious if you have related your unwilling to go there as a fear based emotion or is it avoidances. If it’s avoidance is it fear based? No need for answers just something for you to ponder.
Hi HG
I am finishing up fury for the third time. I have a question for you. I am going to try to explain this in the great way you do but may fall short. Pain, anger and touch are very intertwined. A touch to me is painful I don’t like it. If I am physically hurt don’t come near me. I was resently in therapy taken to a very calming peaceful place after a rage I rage I had. What I had found out was there was another level to be reached in emotions after a rage outburst. If I allowed my self the natural function to continue the cycle the end result was tranquility and a release, a hug would no longer be painful. I would never allow myself to finish the natural cycle because I never new how much larger my own fury would be before I had no more control.
My question to you is this. Everything you do is calculated and controlled. If it’s not I am sure you feel uncomfortable. You mention in your book your fury is controlled it can be shut on and off, Have you ever allowed it privately to finish to the very end and just felt nothing. Silence in your mind a sense of maybe that’s what peace would feel like? Your collecting fuel from an outburst so that you can exist. I collect my fuel so that I can push down all my shit from coming up. I was always afraid of loosing control and who knows what would happen. What I found out was the what would happen was actually peace. It was a place that I was never able to experience as a child. My emotions here shut down as a child and I was unable to express them so the unknown end result was never fully experienced in a healthy way. What I may be trying to get at here is have you ever taken your fury passed a point of just collecting fuel? Maybe there is another step in a fury cycle that is missing for you. I never new.
Hello SII, thank you for your observations. Yes it is the case that I can control the fury so that when it is ignited if I deem the circumstances one where the application of heated fury would damage the façade for example, I will apply a cold fury or withdraw and seek fuel elsewhere in order to repair the wound that has been caused by the criticism. The fuel I receive from the application of heated fury, cold fury from the critic or from a different party assuages the fury by repairing the wound. Thus ultimately the fury subsides because of that. The only way I could see letting it run its course would be to deliberately not extract fuel but then the wound would not be repaired and I am not prepared to suffer the consequences arising from that.
Unsure, nikita is right. Just run away and never look back!
Being friends with him will only prolong your torment and keep the wound open.
there is benefit to you in being friends with him, it only benefits him As he continues to see that you have not moved on and that he can continue to cause you pain.
Run for the hills lovely x
Nikita
I’m not sure. I think it’s the confusion of sweet and mean cycle. Just when I accept its over and nothing left, he starts pursuing/flirting. I know the cycle but I get sucked back in so easily. I’m honestly just trying to be friends at this point. Bury the hatchet. Being angry destroys me.
And that Unsure is how it is and will always be.
Unsure go fast away. Dont even try to be friends… He sounds really really bad. Can i please ask you how old are you?? You remind me of myself some many years ago… And its a long hard way believe me. Or you said you have been 12 years with him… Then you are in my same situation.. Run! If I could wish something is to have encountered this blog and books years ago… Did you read fuel? This book changed my life ( way of thinking towards narcissists). Good luck.
Thank you. I am trying. Reading this article did help. I know he does not act or react like a normal person. I want to ask him and see what he says but I’m afraid that may be a bad idea.
I’m still trying to decide if he is a narc. I go back and forth. I need someone to tell me yes or no. I’ve been given the silent treatment and have been stonewalled numerous times. I swear, when I poor my heart out with kind words I get no response. When I finally reach my limit and blow up, I get a response. ( good and bad) then I feel bad that I blew up. I’m much better at not showing my feelings but it still tears me apart inside. Any idea what I’m dealing with here? I hate to say someone is evil if they are not.
Hello Unsure, from your brief description you are venturing into narc territory but more information is needed. Tell me more about how you met, how the relationship was initially and if it has changed and in what ways.
So much to tell but I’ll try. Met about 12 yrs ago. I had instant strong attraction and that is not the norm for me. Things happened fast. ( partly my doing). He was flirty and caring. Seemed innocent and sweet. He didn’t call or text much but I figured he was busy etc plus this was an affair. But even then it was always on his terms. I waited and was elated with any crumb. After about a year he started showing his true colors. Getting crude and cocky and bragging about other women. Out of blue tells me we can never speak again and calls me a bitch because I was pleading. I forgot to mention, he did tell me he lived me sev times one evening and the following week he basically took it back. So much bs went on but we would reconnect sev times just for him to make me think we are ok and to start with the silent treatments and ignoring any of my efforts to communicate. I would say the kindest things just to be ignored until I got nasty then he would fire back. He never admits to any wrong doing. Always my fault or I’m to sensitive or over think. He would give me false hope that we would get together several times and always cancel last minute or just disappear. There is so much more but that is it in a nutshell. He did tell me in the beginning when things were “good” that I don’t want to be with him because he’s not the happy person everyone thinks he is. That’s just how he acts when he walks out the door”.
Unsure
He sounds really bad… Really narc. My last boyfriend is an angel compared to yours… And I left … Am leaving 😓…
What arr you waiting for?? Continue reading and fast….
Wish you a happy new year free of abuse
Interesting. I have read about the narcissist’s fury before but my ex narc almost never showed it, only a couple of brief outbursts in 4 years.. but he was a master of passive-aggressive behaviors like silent treatments etc. Do you find that you have some tools in your “tool box” that you use more often than others, or do you use them all? Fascinating stuff anyways. Cheers.
Hi survivednarc, yes there are certain tools I use more than others. Triangulation is a particular favourite of mine because it tends to produce two lots of fuel and also has two people fighting over me. It is also disorientating and allows me to maintain my grip. The silent treatment is another favourite of mine because it is so easy to implement and devastating in its effect. Glad you find this fascinating.
Thanks for your answer, it is enlightening… those tools that you mentioned now were favorite tools of my ex narc too.. I recently fell into the dangerous thoughts of: “What if he really had genuine feelings for me”, these thoughts mean almost mortal danger for me.. Cause they mean I risk falling back into the abyss. So I am very happy and thankful for your answer as it provided a reality check. Cheers 😊
You are welcome.
Triangulation was used the most by the ULA in my life, silent treatments hugely by the UMR, but you, as the Ultra, prefer both. This is something I have wondered about, how much different narcissists use the different manipulations, is it attached somehow to intelligence, ease of use, I know aggression with the lessers and pity plays with the mid-rangers. Maybe I need to read up on them again, or is it pretty variable for each individual? Would the school or the cadre affect it more?
I’m just about finished with “Manipulated”. Seeing all the manipulative behaviors compiled in one place makes you wonder why anyone would want to get involved with these people. They sound horrible!!
Which book should I read next?
You get involved because at the time you have no choice. We have chosen you and we sink our fangs deep into you. You have no opportunity to escape until you achieve awareness. In terms of what to read next well there is value in all my publications, though since you have read Manipulated I would suggest Fuel, Departure Imminent and Escape.
He used to tell me that people would be wise not to make him angry because he has a temper. I never saw his fury because I was always very nice to him. He carries a gun. When he was a dancer, he said he had customers follow him home and knock on his door. He said he pointed the gun at them and told them to never come to his house again. I remember thinking that was an over-the-top reaction. I wondered if it was true, or if he just wanted to let me know what he was capable of to scare me? (He used to be a Magic Mike type dancer in a Ladies Club. He spent hours in the gym).
Mostly, he was flaky. One day good mood. Next day sour mood. One day calling me 5-6 times a day. Next day vanish for a few days or a week. One day talk about a trip to Vegas. Next day, act like he never mentioned it.
I’ve been involved with liars, cheaters and abusers before, but they never vanished on me. This guy takes the cake! Bizarre and mysterious. I’ve been involved with him off and on for many years. I still don’t feel like I know him!
He’s gone right now. He will be back. I want to learn so that I never take him back again!!
I get asked out on dates often, but I never go. I can’t even muster up the enthusiasm at all. Maybe I need to stop turning down dates and just go! Maybe part of me doesn’t trust who I might attract into my life again. So much turmoil. I don’t want more of it.
Understandable apprehension on your part but by reading more and increasing your understanding you will heighten your powers of detection and avoidance. See Clarece’s observations in that regard.
Appreciate the nod!
Exactly! They’re NOT normal! They’re abnormal n empty.
I highly recommend fuel to anyone who has been or is involved with a narcissist. It leads to enlightment. Its the first step to freedom.
Ill start today with escape.
Thanks Nikita, do spread the word.
When somebody is successful in actually leaving a narcissist, does the narcissist exhaust all efforts to find that person so as to continue to have even the slightest amount of control? Would you do that?
It is not about control. It is about fuel. Some of our kind will try for a while and then gauge they are using up too much energy with no return of fuel if the target is maintaining no contact. There will however be a blitzkrieg attempt from our kind to obtain the fuel once again. Those of us of a malign variety will try harder in order to extract this fuel and crush the person who has dared to try and evade us. To understand why read Fuel and Departure Imminent to understand what drives us to try and keep you and what we will do to try and keep you.
I’ll do that. I know Loser looked for forty-one years for the first woman who left him. It’s interesting…she became a “nut-job” after she left him.
His first wife left him and she became a “crazy person who wanted to be married to her daddy.”
After I left him, I was “clearly insane.”
Couldn’t have been anything wrong with him, could there?
Of course not. He clearly is a great judge of character. He was obviously lured into those relationships under false pretences.
LOL. You’re right. Now, with his latest WTC (who he picked up in a bar) they seem to be two of a kind so she is OBVIOUSLY not insane.
Bingo !
I can’t find Fuel and Departure Imminent.
They are books on Amazon.
Oh. You haven’t read my blog. I don’t read books.
Well you may not appreciate books and have no desire to read them but your love of words and desire to triumph over loser should lead you to read the words I have written. Consider them as words and leave to one side they exist I a book. A book is just a collection of words, it is the words that really matter.
Tell me. Has anyone ever triumphed over you?
That is a rhetorical question isn’t it?
Not really. Not all narcissists get to stand, indefinitely, on the proverbial, self-erected pedestal…there’s always somebody who can knock them off…if only for a while.
This one does. This on
Ahhh. Be careful. The mightier they are…the harder they fall.
The only falling I do is when I fall out with you.
You are deliciously full of yourself…but I guess that’s what narcissism is all about. I would love to hear you and Loser do verbal battle. My money (if I bet) would be on him.
He would not stand a chance. I would down him and stamp on his trachea. Nobody beats me.
Don’t misunderstand and think for one minute that I am defending that miserable, pathetic piece of shit…but that very attitude you have would be a great advantage to Loser. He would drop you, gut you and laugh while you were bleeding…and he would do it before you even knew what hit you. Think of it as meeting yourself but much older and much more experienced.
So, you know my uncle then?
Hilarious! I should have added to the “what do you picture”….a sense of humor!
Absolutely, it is a key weapon of mine.
I have one as well.
I know. That’s why I like you.
Thank you. 🙂
Hi HG and happy New Year ! I’m curious . Ex narc is busy playing happy families with his new target & yet both of them have staged nothing short of online warfare in their attempts to destroy me emotionally for most of last year despite my full NC .. I’d be very interested into your opinion as to why they both continue when they clearly aren’t getting any response ? He’s is clearly furious with me despite the fact that he was the one that walked out on our relationship .
Hi So Sad, ah but he is getting a response – from her. You are doing well maintaining no contact but he has sucked her into attacking you as well and her reactions to his cajoling provide fuel for him, hence he keeps engaging in attacking you. He would not do that alone for such a period of time unless he was malign. It is the fuel she produces for him in this joint enterprise that causes this campaign’s continuance.