Listening Post
Your role in any relationship which involves us is to listen. We have no interest in what you have to say unless you are giving us fuel. It does not matter if you are lavishing us with praise or calling us all the names under the sun, so long as it is providing us with our much-needed fuel then we listen. Well, I say listen but the reality is somewhat different. When you are showering us with effusive praise we heard the words that give us the fuel but what we really hear is,
“Yes you are right, yes I am powerful, yes I am better.”
Those words echo through our mind as you tell us how brilliant and wonderful we are. When you are engaged in shouting at us, exhibiting your anger or pleading with us not to go or to stop berating you, then we hear the noise that you generate which in turn provides us with fuel. We do not process the content of what you are saying. All we are hearing is how powerful and successful we are and contemplating what we will do or say next to keep up this flow of fuel.
By contrast you are expected to listen to us and absorb and digest every word we utter. This is because what we have to say if naturally always of interest, of consequence and great import. We have an opinion on everything because we are experts at everything. Our knowledge is vast and encyclopaedic and we enjoy letting you know this to be the case. You must sit and listen whilst we regale you with our stories of success, our tales of triumph and our anecdotes of achievements. You should ensure that your eyes are wide in rapt attention, mouth slightly agape in silent awe at our magnificence and those ears of yours are pinned back so they take in each sentence, every word and all the syllables. If we sense that you are not listening to us then be prepared for us to lash out at you for your failure to pay heed to the gold that we issue forth from our mouths is a criticism of us. You are suggesting we are not worth listening to, that we are boring and that we have nothing of importance to say. How wrong you are? We delight in long lectures where we propound how fantastic we are and remind you how fortunate you are to be in our presence. Our addiction to the sound of our own voice enables us to embark on lengthy monologues and especially if the topic is castigating and chiding you for whatever wrongdoing we have seized on. You must not argue back whilst we stand in our pulpit, for that is a criticism also. How dare you interrupt us when we are trying to help you.
We have a view about everything except when we know that expressing now view or a dismissive shrug will invite an emotional reaction in those around us. On that occasion a fabricated air of ignorance will suit us just fine as we elicit that fuel response from you. Once we have allowed you to express your surprise, frustration or annoyance at our dismissive response, we will of course claim to know exactly what you are talking about and launch into a detailed exposition. This is further designed to make sure you listen to us. It minimises your opportunity to criticise us (which as you know we cannot stand) and it reinforces our superiority and brilliance.
To emphasise your position as our listening post we delight in interrupting what you are saying. We will talk over the top of you raise our voices to drown you out and even clamp our hands over our ears and shout,
“La la la.”
We do it because it infuriates you. We do it because we have to be listened to. We are stood on the soapbox and by doing this we always ensure that the spotlight swings around and shines on us. In order to keep talking we will shift positions, moving from one stance to another irrespective of whether it is logical to do so. So long as we keep you listening and prevent you from speaking then this is what matters.
Even when we have subjected you to one of our legendary silent treatments we expect you to be ready and waiting for the first pronouncement that we will make. We expect you to behave like a listening post. You must listen out for our arrival and ensure you are ready to greet us with enthusiasm and ask how our day has been. Do not expect it to be reciprocated. We demand you listen out for praise about us from other sources so you can relay it to us and also to advise us if someone is telling untruths about us so we can launch a strike against them. You are to listen to everything we say so that you can always act in our best interests. We even expect you to hear the things that we do not say but you ought to hear anyway. You should be used to hearing through telepathy by now surely? Yet, should you be listening in on our other activities when we are talking to a new source of fuel that we have covertly cultivated or if you listen in on our conversations with a coterie of admirers who have flocked around us then you are a spy, an eavesdropper and an unwelcome snooper. In such an instance you will be taken to task and made to listen and listen hard to our scolding and denigration of you.
You should ensure you are alert, listening at all times except those times when you should not be doing so. No, we will not tell you what those times are. You should have this worked on by now. So after listening to yet another of our diatribes delivered at full pelt as we explode with fury at one of your critical transgressions, make sure you listen and listen well and at the end give a resounding cry of
“Hear! Hear!”
29 thoughts on “Listening Post”
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I thought I was a good listener. In fact, I know I was.
He would say, “You don’t listen!”. I can hear him saying it now. He said it so many times. I always thought it was odd.
Yup I was a good listener for the N. He loved that.
But now, when I see him. I make sure I go on and on talking about anything and nothing when we’re in a situation that he has no choice but to listen to me. Just because I know how much this annoys him.
It makes me laugh anyway 🙂
But the first part of this article is in fact something good to have. This in fact I miss from him, that he would talk about philosophy, psychology, history, even the stories about his family and his military father I liked.
Also critics were not destructive but mainly contructive. He would structure for me everything. This part was kind of bipolar. Sometimes it would be okay but sometimes got too much as he was always measurinf efficiency and in the weekends I did not really care to be the most efficient, nevertheless I did listen and funny enough I do ask myself what is the most efficient way to do this and that… After all those lectures 😁.
I did get around that he would listen to me.. Although true the conversatiom was 70-30… And I never got this treatment of being dismessed from listening.. That for sure would have brought me to tears😢😢..
HG if talking you do so good as writting I would listen to you the whole day! I only need 8 hours to sleep 😜
Ah…and how do you handle being given the silent treatment? Does it chafe your chaps? I found it very effective and caused Loser to almost go insane with frustration. Loser – 0. Me – 1.
I don’t mind the silent treatment so long as you are crying. I hate being ignored. Why would you ignore me? I am not part of the scenery
Well….the silent treatment was given and no tears were shed. Not even bothering to look up when he came into the room was also something that he couldn’t deal with. Reflecting back on our lives, I guess I did, at times, show him just how unimportant he really was.
You would have ignited my fury if you had done that to me Laurel.
I don’t doubt it….it sure ignited Losers’ fury….and left him helpless…or as he put it “backed into a corner.” That pales in comparison to what he did to me, so all’s fair in love and war…with a narcissist.
Ah the cut and thrust of life with a narc.
Maybe that was the problem….he met his match. I didn’t fall for his professions of being “God.” I didn’t revere him or excuse his behavior.
Maybe…..I won. Sure, he fucked around and gave me Herpes….but he was never quite able to elevate himself (to me) as God. He disgusted me and he knew it. He finally gave up and moved onto a WTC he picked up in a bar. Water seeks it’s own level and he sure found his!
With all of his high education and brilliance, he settled for…well….trash.
Fuel is fuel. Even empaths might live in a trailer you know.
They may but tramps who hang out in bars for twenty years, trying to find a meal ticket are no better than the lonely, old narcissists they prey on. An empath? No…a gold-digger.
Should you not be grateful these “lonely old narcissists” prey on these “tramps” ? I am. Means the more delectable fuel is left for me.
Touche….but he has left me in the same category…a diseased women who will be judged as no better than a tramp…I know that’s what my doctor thought for years…until he found out what happened. He didn’t warn Loser to be careful who he was having sex with….he kept warning ME. Tell me…how anxious would you be to have sex with a diseased woman?
Perhaps your doctor was trying to save you rather than Loser? Don’t you want to be saved? It’s a no from me on the disease front but if you get rid well……
Well…I was a looker….Loser wasn’t. Maybe the doctor thought I was loose.
Unfortunately, Herpes is incurable. That was Losers’ everlasting gift to me. He said “if you care enough, it doesn’t matter.” It sure as hell would have mattered to me but he didn’t give me the choice to “care enough.” He gave the choice to his WTC but it was moot because she already had it.
One of the “compliments” my Narc always paid me was he always liked how well I “listen” to him. That was very important to him, that I hear him, but he never returns the courtesy. This has definitely been a reoccuring theme with him. Understanding how collecting fuel works for you now gives me a better understanding on why he continues to hoover after he drops off for extended silent treatments and why that feels like such a savory victory to him. This blog describes him to a tee.
I love a good listener. Important skill for my admirers.
HA, this is the most infuriating part of my relationship with my narc. I absolutely can’t stand the put downs of “You never have opinions”, You never decide on what you want or where you want to go”, “You never told me that”, “why are you hiding things from me”, “you are just a follower”, “you live my life, not your own”. Pure frustration when I say, “I did but as usual you chose not to listen” and what is his response, “you do not speak loud and precisely”. In that instance I want to scream out “F$%^ YOU, can you hear that?”. Not only do I speak loud and clear, I have impeccable annunciation, grammar and the use of words which I have to down play so he knows exactly what I am saying! GAH! If anything I have more opinions, desires, goals, hobbies, imagination and absolute LIFE than he ever will. If there is one thing that he can never have is my life, with him I have learned that if I desire something bad enough I don’t need anyone for that… I will just obtain it myself!
I may have switched off a little there HG, could you repeat yourself. Not that I was bored or anything xxx
Certainly. I know how you struggle to concentrate in the face of such brilliance. Always listen to me.
Well I knew that if it was something you’d said HG that it must have been beyond brilliance, which is why I was so keen for you to repeat what you’d said.
Say that again and curtsey and that would be wonderful Alexis!
Just a curtesy HG. And there was me thinking I’d have get on my knees and beg, whilst shedding a few tears.
That comes later as well you know.
I hope so
Are you sure your name isn’t Tom? That is def my experience w T.
HG, do you think most N’s know they are Narcissists? Also, what is your take on the misogynistic side of this? How prevalent is this in you?
Once again your writing is unbelievably fabulous. When I’m done with all this stuff I’m going to continue to read your work because I love your how you write. You are such a talented writer HG.
No its not Tom. Thank you for your kind words. Most Ns have no idea what they are. Some get told and won’t accept it. Some grasp some of it. It takes external influence. I know it has with me. I’ve always known I was different to others. I am able to compare what the good doctors say with what has gone before and draw conclusions. Some I admit, some I recognise but won’t admit and some are just the agenda of others that they wish to force on me.
I agree 👊