So Beautiful
You are so beautiful. Everything about you radiates beauty. From the moment I saw you I was transfixed. The way you moved about the room as if you were gliding from one place to the next. Your features almost glacial yet you gave out such warmth. Faces lit up on your approach as hands reached out to touch you. It was as if their troubles and fears would melt away once they placed a hand upon you. You were so serene. Your neck was a little longer than usual but I found that so compelling and my mind filled with images of me placing the most tender of kisses on that soft neck. I looked at your hands, the slender fingers that moved across people’s arms, giving a light yet reassuring touch. As I stood and observed you move about that room on that first viewing I was put in mind of Florence Nightingale and how she attended to the sick and wounded in the Crimean War. She brought reassurance and healing and you seemed to be doing so in the same way. People turned their eyes upwards to you, hope filling in them and then the smile, always that smile. A smile which told the recipient,
“You are special and always will be.”
I could hear that laugh of yours. It was quite deep and incongruous with someone who appeared so delicate. I loved that laugh from the instant it drifted across the room and fell upon my ears. Your hair was tied up, bundled on top of your head and I remember how later I carefully slid the hair pins from within it letting your long tresses be shaken out as I stood mesmerised in front of you. Even after so many hours of attending that dinner, of working the room, of ensuring everybody had their moment with you, you showed no sign of fatigue. It was as if the delight and warmth you gave out made you stronger. You seemed refreshed by each nodded thanks and patting hand of gratitude.
Everything about you was beautiful that evening. From the expensive shoes that wrapped about your small feet to the diamonds you wore about your neck and dangling from those small elven ears. I was taken away from everything by how utterly and completely beautiful you looked.
Yes, you were a true beauty and it never left you. The way your eyes filled with tears so that the ocean blue seemed to shimmer was so inviting. The slow trickle of those tears across your rounded cheeks was alluring. The furrows in that usually smooth brow bore a defiant dignity which I found attractive. The way you flailed your arms in frustration like some manic windmill was inviting. Even when angered you moved with co-ordination and grace. You showed in every situation, no matter what was done to you, that you had been brought from the gods above, so beautiful and heavenly. The way you would curl up in a ball and gently rock was so beautiful. Your whispered pleas for it to stop sounded like a summer’s breeze passing through the trees of a nearby woodland. When others might sound discordant and harsh you only ever sounded wonderful. No matter what emotion was extracted from you, no matter by what means, your inner and outer beauty remained intact.
Best of all was how beautiful you looked when you screamed. That perfect mouth with the slightly fuller than necessary lips, rounded in a horrified ‘O’ as the cry of despair and terror rose from deep within you. This was no wail of the banshee but was like a siren’s call, inviting and melodious as it rose and then fell. How I loved to hear that beautiful scream. How I longed to see your eyes fixed on me, those clear blue eyes, almond-shaped and sensational. The dejection and confusion rampant inside them but your beauty undiminished. You could not scowl. Your face did not twist in shock, anger or distaste. It was like looking upon an angel which was calling out from the heavens above. But best of all, I knew that the beauty you showed when you screamed was all for me. I always wanted to hear you screaming just for me.
42 thoughts on “So Beautiful”
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reminds me the silly cheap song of Enrique Iglesias singing “I love to see You cry” played over and over again to mesmerise me in the golden period…it made me sick but he didn’t know that I knew this time that was actually true…
So when you triangulate your gf with their closest friend. Would you always do this with the aim of their friend being your gf’s replacement or is it just to hurt your gf ?
The latter. I wont rule out the former but it is usually designed to do the latter. I will acquire a new gf from elsewhere.
I’m confused HG , you posted earlier your primary source is your current girlfriend. I thought I read In your books that primary fuel came from daily interactions eg work. I was of the understanding the constant (GF) was classed as secondary to top up daily short fall ???
Nikita I’m ok with HG having extras we all need more than one supply of fuel 😜😜
Hi Freedom, the gf is my primary source as she is the one appliance which provides me with the most fuel. When I am with her she supplies a lot of fuel which is then topped up by secondary sources. So when I am with her the fuel will be 80% her and 20% all other sources.When I am not with her my fuel comes from lots of different sources but within that range she still supplies the most. Just by way of example, when I am not with her all day, then my fuel may be 30% her/70% all other sources but if you break down those sources it will read 30% gf, 20% new prospect, 10% strangers, 20% colleagues, 10% clients, 5% family, 5% suppliers so she remains the primary source but compared to the fuel coming from all other sources she also acts as a top up.
Thanks for clearing that up HG.
So do I understand when her supply of fuel to you drops below say that of a new prospect is it possible that’s where the shift comes in present GF devalued / discard in comes new supply as primary and so the cycle continues ?
That may play a part yes, it is usually the case that her supply of fuel just drops in quality and/or quantity so that triggers the shift. It is also inherent in that shift that the new prospect and/or others take on greater significance because (1) they are used as agents to bring about the negative fuel e.g. triangulation and (2) because we turn to them more often (where we can) for additional positive fuel.
Is the best source of fuel, the one who turns a blind eye?. Because no matter how much it hurt, I could not look at the facts directly..I just had to let go,or,commit suicide.
You don’t so much as turn a blind eye but fail to see what is really happening and then make excuses for what is happening. The fuel comes from your reactions.
Ohhh, urgh, ouch… Beautiful… exactly what my narc called me too….
HG, for several reasons I’ve nominated you for the One Lovely Blog Award! You can see my post about it and the rules here:
https://lovewillleadyouhome.wordpress.com/2016/01/22/ohmygosh-an-award/
Oh, urgh, ouch. Beautiful…exactly what my narc called me too.
HG, for several reasons, I’ve nominated you for the One Lovely Blog Award…. You can see my post about it and the rules here:
https://lovewillleadyouhome.wordpress.com/2016/01/22/ohmygosh-an-award/
Goodness, well I was definitely the first type of beauty (big up myself) Hahha
He never got the second type from me.
But I did overhear a conversation from a couple of guys we both know and they were saying how he’d taken a massive downgrade since me, with his current source of fuel ( though obviously they did not make reference to fuel)
So I’m guessing the new supply gives him the Second type of beauty. they were being a bit mean about his latest source if I’m honest; possibly more Ns !
I just feel sorry for the poor girl.
HG .. Phew .. I’d really like to say you’re a f@@@ked up mental case …if Only everything you post wasn’t TRUE ..
He had me at “Hello beautiful”.
I was the epitome of grace and sensuality. I set the standard for beauty.
Then, I was no longer a source of fuel,someone had taken my place..and I didn’t understand why. I knew I was more beautiful. But, that didn’t matter. It was never about me anyway.
HG this cant be!!! One more on the list. Not enough with Freedom, Alexis, Sheila and me now also Laurel 😓.
What can I say Nikita, I am hungry today.
Don’t worry nikita, the more the merrier. We’ll all stick together x
Bon Appetit H.G.!
You’re so welcome!
Malignnarc – how do you handle a beautiful rose that seeks revenge? Is that fuel? Is that what will finally cause you to cut ties?
The beautiful rose that seeks revenge is delicious fuel indeed because those who seek revenge do so in a way that gives me fuel. I will at some point reveal how yo gain revenge without giving me fuel but you are not allowed to use it against me of course.
Malignnarc – I would never !
I would never!
Sooner rather than later. Please and thank you!
So polite, how can I resist?
Will you be able to tell if it is her? Do you not see the irony in that? So much to learn and think about!! Time for a nap. Only dreams of you HG!
I should be careful what I post, lest I get reprimanded again…this was a really good post…so vivid. I still question if you indeed are the real narcissist or just an excellent researcher and writer.
Thanks Laurel, pleased you liked it.
I like all of your posts. Even though you are a narcissistic sociopath, I find you absolutely delightful!
You say the kindest things, I like you too.
So do I.
I am wrapped up nice and warm HG. Thank you. You certainly are quite charming.Lol. You do realize that someday your current girlfriend could be reading this site and your books ( after you discard her of course) looking for help and an understanding of her ex which will be you??
She might but I doubt she will make the connection.
I like this article very much. And I thought it was screaming from pleasure isnt it HG ?
It is whatever you would like it to be.
HG your are such a wonderful writer! There is no way that you are just researching this, you are the real deal! I can almost see the pleasure and fuel you get from these posts, it’s as if as your writing your remembering past and maybe even present empaths.
Thanks foolme, yes the empaths loom up out of the mist in my memory and I like to share those thoughts.
HG, I have been reading other books about narc ( sorry hope I don’t get the silent treatment for that! I’ve been trying so hard to be good so that perhaps I could get into your harem also. Lol) that says most narcissist like to have two sources of supply, a main source perhaps a wife that is always there and a second job etc.is this true and if so what are your two sources these days? Thank you.
Hello Foolme, I will overlook your indiscretion on this occasion. I have more than two sources. I have a primary source which is my current girlfriend and then I have a medley of other appliances that provide me with fuel. If you really want to understand this topic in detail I suggest you read Fuel. It is an eye opener.
Thanks HG I’ll order it today. I’ll have plenty of time for reading since I’ll be snowed in for awhile! Does your current girlfriend know about this site and you? Very interesting to say the least. One more question please, since you are such a magnificent writer have you ever thought about writing a novel? Or perhaps you have already but under a different name?
Hope you are wrapped up warm foolme. No she has no idea and that will not be changing either. Thank you for the compliment I have written but under a different name.
Chilling, HG…. just chilling. I can picture the shockingly blissful face of my ex-N when he extracted the deepest, soul-wrenching pain from me.