But How Could He Do This To Me?
I have heard this said so many times, read about it from bewildered and perplexed people and know from experience the confusion that accompanies this question.
“But how could he do this to me after everything else? He said he loved me.I know he loved me. How does someone love someone else in such a perfect way and then act as if he does not even know them?”
I have written about how the empath likes to know everything. This is not because you are big-headed or wish to boast. You like to know everything in order to allow you to help. You need to understand a situation. It has to make sense to you. You must be able to comprehend what has happened and find some logical reason for the occurrence. This is why you spend so long trying to work us out. This is why when we are doling out the silent treatment you need to ascertain why we are doing it (I think now you understand we do it because we need to, not because there is a valid (according to your reality) reason for this behaviour). It is a natural empathic reaction. If you understand why something has happened you can then consider the ways in which it can be addressed, remedied and fixed. You want everything to be alright.
Accordingly, when our devaluation is unleashed against you it comes out of nowhere. Yesterday we held hands as we walked through the park together and kissed beneath the spreading oak. Today you have been subjected to a nasty period of name-calling and blaming. You are dumbfounded. Where on earth did that come from? In your reality it makes no sense at all. One minute every is okay,nothing changes but then suddenly we are being horrible to you. It just does not add up. It makes no sense. It gets worse.Not only does it not follow in a logical sense since our response (viewed in your reality remember) seems random, how can a person who says he loves you then batter you with his fists, lock you out of your home, sleep rape you, smash up your car, spit on you and so on? Not only is it not a normal sequence of events if you love somebody then you just do not do that, do you?
This is what makes it so difficult for you to comprehend. We have conned you into thinking that we loved you. We gave you the huge seduction and dazzled you with the golden period. We know what you perceive love to be and we gave it to you in spade loads all manufactured by Narc Inc. Our production line went into over time creating these false acts and hollow declarations of love but you fell for it. You always do. Accordingly, you were duped into thinking that we loved you so that when we begin to devalue you it flies completely in the face of what you understand to be the situation.
You will sit for hours with your close friends and recite example after example of all the wonderful things that we have said and done and then ask,
“How can he hurt me when he loves me so much?”
It is utterly perplexing. Naturally there is method in this madness. If it made sense, if there was a logical reason for this volte face you are more likely to accept it and walk away. This twisted and nonsensical logic is purposefully designed to keep you with us because:-
- You must know what has happened and make sense of it
- You want to make things right
- You want the wonderful golden period again
45 thoughts on “But How Could He Do This To Me?”
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This article is fantastic!!! Thanks a million!
I have one question.
can he or she do it on the first few dates when he decides that the victim does not want to do what he wants in narcissist’s eyes?
Thank you Kasia, can you clarify by what you meant in terms of “can he or she do it on the first few dates”?
Sorry for my poor English skills but I learn a lot to improve it.
I meant that, for example, narcissist invests a lot of effort to seduce his victim and, for example, buys her flowers, invites to a restaurant. He then expects the victim to provide him with large amounts of positive fuel. If the victim does not reciprocate this feeling, she does not admire him, does not say that she loves him, that she misses him because it is only the first few dates, etc. can the narcissist desire the negative fuel of the victim and do what you described in your article?
I am curious because there are people who can immediately give a feeling of affection to another person from the beginning, show them a lot of affection or quickly fall in love and others need time and are more restrained in showing feelings.
I was wondering if narcissist could start devaluation faster for these more reserved people to punish them for not adoring them. Or is the opposite?
I meant if the victim did not adore the narcissus on the first few dates, would he start the devaluation process?
I hope this is now better understood.
Most narcissists would persist in trying to seduce and garner the positive fuel. If this is not forthcoming, they are more likely to shelf the appliance and focus on another one (we usually have more than one horse in the race for IPPS). There might be a Disengagement Devaluation towards the appliance during seduction, this is more likely to come from a Lesser Narcissist. Mid Range and Greater would persevere and either conquer and get what is required or shelf the individual and focus on someone else.
Thank you for your answer!
You’re welcome
But when will I stop hurting?
When you understand, purge and get your emotional thinking under control.
Amy Grant has a song called: Wise Up. In the song she prudently warns her listener to use their head to guard their heart. Wise words, too bad she didn’t take heed to them. So, I encourage empaths to stop watching that sappy Hallmark channel, and stop reading those riddiculous romance novels, and stop propagating fairytale propaganda. It’s all crap. Real love is found in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. Read it. Study it. Live it!
Jesus Christ, you really are stunted at the emotional level of a three-year-old aren’t you? Clearly someone had the power to hurt you once; your mother. I feel so damn sorry for you, you have not the slightest clue how to find your way out and into maturity, the worst thing is, like a three-year-old having a tantrum in a supermarket aisle over a bar of chocolate, you rail against what’s best for you. The child in the supermarket will be guided by loving parents to mature and develop empathy, by five he’ll be different, by ten different again, by 22 mostly emotionally matured and ready to experience a whole world of experiences of the heart, but you were abandoned on that front somehow and as a consequence you’ll never know what’s best for you and keep having tantrums. Forever the child in the supermarket, forever kicking your legs and screaming and pushing away what’s necessary for true happiness. And pointless explaining because a three-year-old just doesn’t get it. A three-year-old can’t raise themselves yet. You poor fucker.
swap me and we’ll see who will hoover first 😉
Perfectly described that an appliance is just an appliance in a Narcissist world. Some may pertain to it as an illusion in itself. I agree that making self-improvements is heading towards the right direction for one who seeks detachment from the narcissist. Keep providing fuel until you drain out of helium. Wanting control of changing a narcissist under another’s terms is highly unlikely to be approved . Take the stairway to heaven or fly like an eagle and never look back for as long as you give fuel, it will be taken indefinitely. You Rock HG for posting this part of the arena.
I’m obliged Leilani.
Thank you HG. It is fuel for me in this early morning.
I am still struggling to understand the narcissist. I am currently separated from my husband and a divorce is pending. My struggle was always this: I had always though that narcs did not possess the ability to be empathetic towards others. I see this when it comes to there being no empathy towards me. However, what if they help others and are very giving and kind to family members (taking care of others financially, etc or giving money and spending money on others)? This is what always baffles me. Is this part of their game to confuse people into believing they are a good person so others don’t pick up on what’s really going on? I can go further into detail, but never have understood this.
Hi K and thanks for posting. In essence we need fuel. We aim to have a primary source (which is usually although not exclusively an intimate partner). We seduce that person to obtain positive fuel from them. We also have secondary sources of fuel (friends, colleagues, acquaintances and so on) who we get positive fuel from. When we devalue the primary source we get negative fuel. In order to maximise this we maintain a façade to everyone else so they think we are great,kind people and you are the crazy one. This keeps the positive fuel flowing and also is necessary for the dynamic to garner the negative fuel. We will devalue secondary sources as well but the main focus of our devaluing will be the primary source. Read Fuel to learn more about this. This is why you are treated like this and everyone else is treated pleasantly. It is all part of the same illusion.
Then explain why the person stalks you and harasses you so you have to get a restraining order. Then breaches the order 5 times in 2 hours. Wants to look good. I had him charged i wanted rid of him not putting up with that behaviour. I had a good father i knew how dysfunctional he was. I demanded he got help or leave, then he got worse. I had to change my number and move to get rid of him. He even went to my family’s home i to try and find out where i am 6 months after i had no contact. I moved on he kept harassing me. He did the silent treatment once i put down a boundary no tolerance. I know my worth. Perfect i am not but that is irrational behaviour. Merely disordered. His friends had a go at him when i exposed him i had proof. My advice run if someone treats you with no worth.
Sad really.. that N’s can only imitate, but never truly love.
Every time I read other people’s stories. I just can’t beleive how long you stayed and how much you endured. It’s awful.
It makes me feel so sad for you all. Just so pleased you’re all free or freeing yourselves now.
I’ve heard this description before and for the longest time I rejected it, in my heart. It was too awful to believe. But I do believe it now. Thank you for describing it so vividly, it makes it easier to stay in reality and not soar away on a pink cloud of false romantic notions about being able to “fix” the narc… you are right..
I can not tell you how many times I’ve said (yelled, lol) “I’m not a thing, an object!!”.. but you see us like that. So, that would make you.. a consumer? I’ll give you a new title; “Consumer of Hearts and Souls”! 😉 Great read btw.
Oh the power of intermittent reinforcement. So very cruel…so very controlling…so incredibly torturous. I always wondered what goes on in the mind of the narcissist during those silences.
HG…Thank you for explaining it so simply…so eloquently…
I thought this time and time again, I didn’t understand why he would be so angry and hateful towards me when I had done nothing wrong. I was completely confused and tried harder, blaming most of it on something that I may have done wrong. I learned otherwise, but that doesn’t mean that my heart doesn’t fall back inline sometimes…just now I sit back and remind myself of the chaos he is trying to create.
Now I am to the point that I no longer want answers. I want him to find another supply and be on his way.It feels like he keeps trying other ways to extract that fuel from me. In some ways he is successful and in most he is not… I have been telling him I cannot answer you, or I do not have an answer, just flat boring and no fighting on my end. I am drained, I am tired and I hate drama.
Leslie, sorry to pose questions on your private life but instead of waiting that je takes off , why dont you leave?? You sound really fed up…
NIkita, I don’t mind at all. He has put me in a bad place financially with his addiction to gambling. I always end up having to pull from my retirement, borrow or use my credit cards to get out of the mess. I am trying to save so I can leave as well as pay back what is owed. He claims he hates where we live and I am happy with it so in all reality it would be better if he just left. I can afford the rent where we are and there are no restrictions on my dogs breed. He keeps telling me he is going to gather the money and leave but a day later he is in love all over again. :/ I am not sure if it is because he has no car now and uses my new car (another payment that he does NOT contribute to) or if I am the easy fuel.
I have been very weak and forgiving in the past and maybe that is why we have been so extremely rocky lately…I refuse to put up with his crap BUT at the same time I cannot throw him on the street. He does not have family here and the guilt would consume me.
Just to let you know, though, I am looking for a new place because if something doesn’t happen soon, in either direction, I am going to end up exploding. 🙂
Sorry to hear Leslie. 😥. So it would be better if he would discard you I guess… But its my impression that he will never leave… What does master HG think? Good targets are never discarded right?
Nobody is ever fully discarded, we always return if there is fuel and you provide us with an opportunity.
Once I am gone he will not have the opportunity to ease his way back in. I never move backwards…only forwards. I will give him this though, he is trying very hard to keep me…he claims he is “turning over a new leaf”. I simply replied that there isn’t a thing he can do to change my mind, in the 6 years we were together he didn’t bother to listen and now I am to believe he will change? Right, like all of the other times, I’ll fall for it and the mask will fall off. Sorry, I am not interested and he’s holding me back!
To be honest I read Clarence comments and all the comments in general and I really feel relieved to be alone. This post of today plus the comments really give me a lift of my single status 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼. The first thing you think after a break up is when will I fall in love again? How long should I wait?? But tonight its like ” yes!! I took the right decision”
I agree with you 100% on that one!! I had a life time of hurt and distrust and abuse, never again!!!!
Thanks foolme 😀😀. XX for the reinforcement. I just hanged up with a friend that was telling me to think twice, that love is not easy to find… My God. I just have to read this posting again to be sure of what I did 👍🏻😃
Hi Nikita! I wish I had your reaction today. It all made me very disheartened. I have such a loving, flourishing relationship with my child, but of course the mother / child dynamic is different than adult with adult. I miss that so in a healthy dynamic, and grieve so much wasted time while I naively opened myself up to continual emotional brutality. Ugh! (Thanks for the shout-out though)
Hi Clarence
Me too I have a great relationship with my children and the weekends I have them We make really fun things and sometimes they invite friends over but its true I do miss a partner, but I should spend some time alone for the moment.
In separated from my exhusband end of 2013 (N) and end of 2014 I met this guy with which everything started pretty nice and the turned to critics, short silent treatment and anger. I was totally confused. One after the other the men in my life followed the same pattern… Finally I convinced myself it cant be me. This was when I discovered then NPD and codependency. Although swept off my feet I decided to end the relationship because I was anyway suffering. Two or 3 months after A strong hoover We came back together to the dream relationship. I was in a cloud and convinced that he had changed and that the theory could be wrong. One day while working on codependancy I crossed over this blog which as you know its applied to real life. After two months of reading HG i panicked and thought its somewhen going to turn back. In one of his books one of his expartners described that the first year was adorable and then turned hell. Well guess what, I started fearing alot this would be the case. By End of December I was really concerned and some of the blog postings could have perfectly described him or my life… But was very hard. I was in the perfect relationship and as I was fascinated probably the flow of fuel was constant and high quality because I was having the time of my life. Ocassionally with December festivities and so much to do fuel got to be lower and came this shellschock comment that HG wrote about. Some few days after and this gave me the forces to really break away from a relationship in the golden period. Its hard very hard and so when I read your comment it was like water in the dessert. So also thank you very much for your words. Also a shout out because he still hoovers but after one month now less and less 😃. Also I still get comments and looks from the people as we appeared like the perfect couple. Enjoy the weekend 😃.
Hugs and Im sure the good man will come. Thats what my friends tell me 😝
Oh my Fucking God! Empaths need answers so they can HELP? I’ve been paying therapists for ten years and I have never heard this but it makes so much sense. Wow.
Amazingly true as always!! Eye opener! Perfectly written. You are the best of best on the NPD ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️. I love to read you althoug sometimes I really have to say OUCH 😖 . The last part was hard, but I still love you as much as yesterday 💋❤️
Thank you very much Nikita, that is appreciated.
I have been doing research on the silent treatment and how that is considered by many in the psychology field as one of the most devaluing and torturous forms of abuse that can be distributed to someone (aside from physical abuse). Since that is my Narc’s favorite form of punishment and not dealing with any conversation once it takes a direction he does want to deal with, how do you determine the length of time you will go silent? Do you look at a calendar and eyeball a time frame for keeping your distance from 1 week to several? Does the person cross your mind while you are staying silent or because you are not truly bonded to them and seeking other fuel, is it simply a matter of something happens to trigger your memory and you realize, “oh it’s been a month now. So-and-So should be chomping at the bit to hear from me by now. Let’s text her and see what happens…” Is it that random or is it pre-meditated?
I struggle the most with the lack of courtesy and respect of not completing conversations if they are not fury driven to just have honest dialogue. It is infuriating!!!
You are absolutely right about the effect of silent treatment on people, hence why we use it and it is brilliant as it is so easy to use. The length of time does depend on circumstances and whether we want anything back from you as this will naturally affect the silent treatment. Initially the silent treatment may be for just a few hours. Next time half a day. The general rule is that each time it will be extended beyond the last occasion. We do this so that if you think the last period was 3 days you may decide “He will be back/speaking to me in 3 days I will just get on with something else in the meanwhile.” and thus we will not get our fuel. Accordingly, we will extend it to say 4 or 5 days so after the third you begin to get concerned and start providing us with fuel. You will cross our mind because we will be delighting in your frustration and upset at not being able to contact us/speak to us. Sometimes we may stay with you but not speak so we see you but do not talk to you. Other times we disappear. If we know you are expecting a response to a telephone call or text message we will delay responding and thus dole out a short silent treatment because, as you admit, that is infuriating.
So, if I’m understanding, depending on the type of fuel we provide, determines if you will want to deal with us in the future at some point? Let’s say some hi-grade fuel has not caved and let more time go by than usual during one of your administered silent treatments. Does it shift and make you concerned causing the cycle of hoovering? Or, if you had been trying to discard, do you continue to move on and let sleeping dogs lie? Is this the method behind the madness to go absolutely no contact because you finally give up?
If the victim has not provided fuel during the silent treatment we will stop and find another way of getting fuel from them. No contact is designed to force us to go elsewhere for fuel and leave you be, but if you give us a sniff we will be hoovering in an instant.
Very well written the smoke and screens of your kinds deception is lifting to see its inner sanctuary.
However sometimes it’s not the appliance that is faulty it’s the operator. Maybe they haven’t read the instruction book correctly to find all the little extras on the machine. You see we come with a life time guarantee so there is probably nothing wrong with the appliance nothing an experienced operator couldn’t extract anyway. Sone people can’t see they have the top of the range shiny limited edition model with all the whistles and knobs ( so to speak)
One mans rubbish is another mans treasure or finding a valuable gem that you just didn’t know the true value of.
But I must say HG I get it now but it seems like a very sad life jumping from one disaster to another. Very exhausting for you and lots of time and energy wasted.
Thanks Freedom. Yes I suppose some operators may not be as skilled as me so some human error is to be expected. I never waste any time or energy, I cannot do that. Sad? I am never sad either, nor is what I do sad because it is necessary unlike those I leave behind.
I think now after reading your books and articles we do get it!! That doesn’t mean we want to !! It’s very true what you said we can’t believe this wonderful person that we loved with all of are heart and soul would ever intentionally hurt us! It is just very hard for kind loving caring people like us to comprehend this!! The last part you really didn’t need to put in though, that was quite mean on your part but again I’m sure it will fuel a lot of us up and we will be passing it on to you!! We do not need to improve anything about ourselves accept are choices in men!! That one hit the spot HG. Congratulations .
Thank you Fool Me. As for the last part a gadfly is sometimes added to prompt discussion.
thanks HG.
Having read almost all your books now and many others ( of course yours are the best), it is all completely logical and predictable.
more logical and predictable than a non N’s behaviour.
It made no sense before, but now perfect sense. It’s not right. But completely logical.
Thank you for the compliment. Once you understand they way we think you are right, it is predictable. That is a good sentence as well, “It’s not right but it is completely logical.” May I suggest you complete the set ahead of the release of Sex?