Sex and the Narcissist

No holds barred and no strings attached

The only unnatural sex act is that which you cannot perform

Read about how the narcissist views and uses sex and how you are central in that





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  1. Got the book . Ty for the tip HG .. Wowzer if I hadn’t experienced this first hand I would think it was fiction . What a read !! cant wait to get back to it :)

  2. I love all of the books I’ve read by you, H.G. The information I’ve learned will hopefully keep me safe down the road. I’ve done all of your suggestions (changing locks, passwords, gone no contact, etc.) and will continue to read your books and articles. Thanks for saving me!

  3. HG in reply to this comment “Now, as to what goes through our mind when we engage in the devaluation stage, well, that is something for another piece of writing isn’t it? ” Well from experience holiday photos of me posted on adult internet sites , without my consent I might add, asking for men to come & have sex with me while he watched & at the very same time love bombing his new target . .. Wish I could read the book but don’t have a kindle ..

  4. I thought that after Fuel and Fury I had learned all there was too learn on Narc school but this book Sex taught me wrong and its even more impressive, enlightening and illustrative on the roll of appliance 😥 I played in this specific part of a relationship, the sexual one. Its hard to read, im sometimes paralyzed, “speechless”, but every emotional effort, time, money ect in this book is worth.
    Thanks alot for this book.

  5. It’s been 3 days since finishing this book and I still feel raw. It’s helping to try to wrap my brain around the concept as you put it sex is basically a means to masturbate using a person’s body. With my strict Catholic upbringing and not being one to separate sex and love, I struggle daily trying to understand rejecting someone who loves and cares for you and expressing that physically when humans are built with that as a basic need. Yet you aren’t wired that way? Not even in the primal sense to spread your “seed”? My Narc as you know was younger than me. In the beginning, he said once it was so different with me because with girls his own age it just ” felt like masturbating with a body”. I was so flattered at the time thinking I was special. Other things too, resonating from the book, but too personal for here. Oh, but the constant feedback he would ask about his performance following being together…almost comical how straight from the playbook it came. Some of the core things I’ve had to be in therapy this past year though relate to the topics in this book.

  6. Hi HG I’m currently reading sex and the narcissist and I’m struggling to decide which category my ex would fall under. He was very good at the sex part, when heading out to meet people and on our first few dates he would look after himself and be very smart and well groomed. Constantly going on about joining a gym and getting in shape ( but never did or went fir a couple of times) he was Very witty an well read and educated but I think it was more post school education as from what I hear he was a loner, bit of a geek with only 1 real friend during his school years. After we had been dating for awhile he began to not make as much of an effort in the grooming department, sex less often. Somedays he wouldn’t even get dressed saying its my day off ! Would sit eating junk food.
    In the early days he would brag of his high sex drive and say he hoped I could keep up and keep him satisfied he didn’t want to be pestering for sex. The reality was more yeah great for a little while then less. I put it down to him having kidney stones on a frequent basis and vein hospitalised for surgical removal. One day he piled up with my sex drive has plummeted I don’t know why ! Distinct impression I was being blamed for that. That was untrue I was very much interested so that was the devaluation stage obviously. But what type of sex narc would you place him as ?
    Would appreciated your thoughts HG.

    1. Hi Freedom, given your description that he was good at sex, was charismatic, looked the part, was charming and funny etc, I would regard him as an elite who then removed all the attractive elements (not caring about appearance, eating junk food) as part of the devaluation of you.

      1. Thanks for that HG, his son says he’s always been a slob eating junk food etc. I’m wondering could the act be the taking care of appearance and charm just be turned on every now and then to ensnare and rather than just pure devaluation it’s just his real persona ? Or was that what you were meaning in your previous reply.

  7. HG, In your book you wrote about a victim N, I’d like to learn more about this type. Can you recommend a book please? Thank you. X

    1. The only one which explores this further is the follow-up to Sex which is in planning at present so you may have to be patient. I would suggest however you read Chained because what is written there does have a relevance which I will expand on in due course.

  8. HG sex is my favorite book so far!!! Wow! If I ever had any doubt about my ex being an n, there is none anymore!! Wish I would of known all this when we were together I wouldn’t of faked so many orgasims!! Apparently he wasn’t as good as you HG! But then you are the best in everything ( and everyone) you do!!! ;) xx

    1. Glad you enjoyed it, do post a review please and yes those faked orgasms just gave him fuel. Thank you for the compliment and of course I can only agree!

  9. Im reading now 😃😃 until now all very familit but still nothing that I think is hard to read 😝

  10. I also read HG’s books twice but sex not yet started as I had such a busy weekend and did not want to do it in pieces. Cant wait now even more, now that I have read all these comments 😃😃.

  11. I have purchased said book, I will endeavour to read and digest it ASAP.
    I was out partying yes HG but I was in no way at any point going to engage with anyone other than pleasantries.
    Obviously partying has a different meaning to you, no surprise there then.

      1. I’ve just started it but on a course this week so haven’t got much time to read 😔look forward to seeing your comments.

  12. I’m not sure the review is showing yet!

    But yes, HG it was a fascinating read. I understand the need for fuel, but flipping hell, narcissists are cruel, and not concerned or bothered about the pain and anguish they cause to the other…I know…it’s all fuel to you!

  13. Read this book…made me feel anxious and sick in parts. But I could see examples in my mind of what you had written and found myself having little ‘ahh haa’ moments.

    I have reviewed this on Amazon…not that I particularly want to provide you HG with more fuel – it was a bloody good page turner!

  14. This is my favourite book so far HG !!

    Working my way through, but other ‘weekend’ things keep getting in the way. I just wanted to read it all immediately !

      1. So I have many things to say and ask about HG. First things first, I was lucky enough to never have reached devaluation properly. But wow !! If I’d have known how good sex would have been during the d&d I may well have hung in there !!

          1. Well I’ve always been able to completely separate sex and love.

            You answered my question re what do Ns really think about when having sex and your book did somewhat surprise me.

            How you are just thinking of whether this is pleasing the person or not etc. That’s not what is have imagined at all.

            I thought you were still getting gratification from it, albeit in a control like manner but still sexual control, not just for future purposes. And that perhaps you may be with your main source of fuel and thinking about some other fuel you’d had earlier or the week before, not simply just is this pleasing her / him

          2. You will notice that in the instance given this was what goes through our mind when engaging in seduction sex. The gratification element comes when I refer to fuel in the example given. I did not want to get bogged down in too many thoughts as they flowed but to link the action to what we are thinking and then the next movement and thought and so on. There are lots of thoughts all at one about what we are doing and how to please you and also about fuel. They tumble over one another. The point of that chapter is to show that when we are engaged in seduction sex two thoughts dominate – how can we please you to give fuel and yes that fuel feels so good. Now, as to what goes through our mind when we engage in the devaluation stage, well, that is something for another piece of writing isn’t it? Come on,you should know by know I like to have some means of reeling you back in again.

          3. Your book really has put some additional peices in the jigsaw for me. There are many people with strong N traits who i always wondered what made them tick, and that they never struck me as being sexual, yet seemed to cheat on their wives. It was one of those things I just couldn’t put my finger on. But now you’ve given me the answers.

            I just love your books because I have read so so so many on Ns and Ps which I’ve found fascinating but with yours there’s always extra bits which I’ve wanted answers to but never been able to find before. I just want more…………..

            Plus if I ever had sex with an N again (which I won’t) but I’d be sure to appraise him after and tell him it was very average and that id had better, then offer a few tips on how he could improve !! Haha

          4. Thanks Alexis I am pleased you enjoy them. As for your last paragraph that’s bad form you know and you will be on the end of some ignited fury!

          5. Igniting fury has always been my favourite pastime HG !! And I love doing that even more now I understand the theory behind it all. Especially if I can ignite it in public, and after the initial explosion, I find a little smirk on my face always helps :). Bit like that Ronaldo / Rooney scene.

          6. Which leads me to another question. Is that what you intend to do from the outset, or is that just an unfortunate consequence from your extraction of fuel ?

  15. Bought it and reading it. HG your writing is so honest and direct. I like your classifications of N’s, they make a lot of sense. I think that when some people understand the truth in this book they will have a very hard time handling it. I found it so accurate and for that reason disturbing but also very helpful. Just a few thoughts before I go on with my day. Pushing the limit yes but made sense to me.

  16. I haven’t bought the book (extremely tight budget), but did read the first bit the preview allowed and I have to say, brilliant insight as always HG. I may have to buy this one and read it in it’s entirety to understand a few things about the last relationship I was in.

      1. It may seem to most like a tiny sum of money, but for others it’s the difference between a day’s worth of food or not eating (yet again) to allow my daughter to eat. I work extremely hard physically and not eating so I can buy a book (however educational it is) is not feasible at this time in my life. Rest assured it is definitely on my list when I can afford it without sacrifice to health.

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