Two messages but who left those messages?

The answer? It was the same person. The first was the narcissist as the relationship entered the devaluation phase by starting to let down the empath. The second was a firm hoover from the narcissist with the empath seeking to implement no contact.

Were you correct?

Advertisements

I will have told you that I only have eyes for you, that you are the one, that I am completely dedicated to you and that I only ever want to be with you. You make me say these things. It is your expectation of such faithfulness to you and you alone, indoctrinated into you by the world, that causes me to have to say these things. I need to fulfil your expectations in order to capture you and then keep you. It is a ridiculous state of affairs. Since when can a person be sustained on one thing alone? It is impossible. At its most basic, you are given only water to drink and nothing to eat. You will starve. Then if you are given just bread to eat your body will be malnourished as it is not getting the nutrients it needs from fruit, vegetables, meat and so on. One food stuff alone is not sufficient. Take your job. If you had to do the same thing over and over again, the absolute same task you will go out of your mind with boredom. Either that or you would lose your job to mechanisation. One thing is not enough.

Have you only ever had one relationship? Unlikely. How else would you know whether this is right if you have nothing to compare it against? Can one man win a football match? Of course not. He needs his team mates. Where does your stimulation come from? Are you confined to reading just one book repeatedly? No. One film seen countless times? No, you like and prefer a variety of silver-screened entertainment. Do you have just one person you interact with on a social level? Again the answer is no. You draw your social nourishment from different friends, family members, acquaintances and so forth. One is not enough.

I am no different. The thing that sustains me is fuel. I must draw this from several sources. Yet, my necessary actions in acquiring this fuel subject me to moral indignation and disapproval. How is that fair? I do not tell you that you must only eat one kind of breakfast cereal for the rest of your life, why should I be expected to gather my fuel from just one appliance? I need the variety. Not only is this necessary to ensure that I have fuel on tap at all times, it is necessary to provide the catalyst for the provision of fuel from my primary appliance. If I have nothing by which I can provoke a reaction from you, your free-flowing fuel will soon dry up.

The result is that you and I are never alone. There is no singularity despite all of my words asserting that this is the case. When I first ensnare you there will be another who is being subjected to my vitriol. You are most likely warned of this psychotic ex. What I am less likely to tell you about is my ongoing campaign of denigration in order to harvest further fuel from this harlot who has let me down. I may even be faithful at first. Yes faithful by your understanding of the concept, namely that I will not physically consort with another. I am not faithful however in just being solely committed to you. I will be reaching out to others in order to bring them into my sphere of influence, most likely whispering the very same things that I have said to you. My lips may not lock with these new opportunities but that is more by accident than design. I have certainly locked with them in order to draw fuel from them. As I walk through the day those invisible fuel lines reach out and attach to most who I interact with.I am sure, judged by your standards, you would not be overly concerned about the methods by which I draw fuel from some. In other instances you would be most concerned. Yet, you must understand that I am only doing what everyone does. I am seeking variety. In your instance you do it because you prefer it that way. It is interesting. Maintaining a variance keeps things fresh and stimulating. In my case I have to do it. There may not yet be any lipstick on my collar but there are scores of fuel lines attached and in ways that you are always going to find distasteful. That is of course if you ever find out.

The arena of socialising is so very important to my kind. On the one hand this environment is a happy hunting ground for the acquisition of fresh targets for the purpose of administering my malicious machinations. The social environment also provides me with ranks of appliance from which I can draw fuel and also to involve in my schemes and triangulations to draw fuel from you. The issue of going out also presents me with opportunities to reinforce who is in charge in this relationship. It allows me to undermine you, disappoint you and control you and invariably, as with everything that I do, fuel will flow.

A typical instance of this occurring might involve one of our kind receiving a call from you during the course of the afternoon.

“Hi, how are you?” you ask pleasantly.

“Busy, busy what is it?”

“I am just reminding you that I am going out tonight, okay?”

“And?”

“Well I did not want you forgetting like you did last time.”

“I did not forget, you just didn’t tell me about it.”

“Well look I am not getting into all of that now, that was last time. I just wanted to make sure that you will be home by 6pm as I need to be there by 7pm and I need you to look after the kids whilst I get ready.”

“Can’t your mother look after them or something?”

“No they are out and anyway, Michael is not well. He has been off school all day and I don’t want a casual childminder looking after him, I want it to be you or me.”

“Well if he is that ill perhaps you should cancel your plans?”

“No. I am not going to. I do not have to because you are available to watch him. In any event, even if I wanted to cancel I cannot. I can’t let my friends down, this is an important occasion.”

“Are you sure there isn’t somebody who can look after Michael, I wanted to go to the bar this evening, we have completed a major deal here.”

“No. My sister is out of town and the only other people are neighbours and registered childminders and it is not fair asking non-family when one of the kids is ill. I don’t like it. It has to be mum or dad looking after them.”

“Okay, okay I get it, it has to be one of us.”

“Yes and it is going to be you because I am going out. Okay?”

“Sure, fine 6pm you say?”

“Yes.”

“Right.”

6pm arrives and I am sat in the bar explaining how I brought the deal to the business and I saw it through. Several junior colleagues are listening intently seeking to curry favour with me. I am sat on my throne, my subjects paying homage. I glance at my watch and order champagne to toast the deal. The evening is just getting started and I have my eye on a pretty accountant who I have not seen before.

I feel my ‘phone vibrate and pull it from my jacket pocket. Your name is on the display. I smile and let it slip back into the pocket as I pay for the champagne and begin pouring it for those assembled with me. I feel the ‘phone ring again and stop. I continue my conversation and feel a succession of vibrations as a few messages land. During a lull between my anecdotes I wander over to the toilet and whilst there I check my phone. There are three messages from you.

“Hi, I hope you are on your way. Call me please xxx”

“Where are you? I am trying to get ready.”

“This is totally unfair. Where the hell are you?”

The fuel hits and power surges through me as I feel the frustration from those messages and picture you pacing through the house trying to get ready as you are subjected to the demands from the children. I do not turn my phone off, I am ready for further vibrations and messages as I look in the mirror, smooth my hair and give myself a winning smile.

“Think you can tell me to be a childminder do you?” I ask the mirror.

“Nobody stops me from going out.”

I return to the bar and grab my champagne flute as my phone goes again. I do not even bother to look to see who is calling as I know and the power rises inside. As I begin to talk to the pretty accountant I savour the fuel that will be coming my way. The looks and words of admiration from the beautiful bean counter all the while my mobile ‘phone buzzes and vibrates away like a trapped wasp, conveying to me your anger and annoyance at being kept at home. I know, empathic person that you are, that you will not put an evening out ahead of your ill child and once again you will martyr yourself. I know from our earlier conversation that there is no prospect of you calling someone else in as a child minder and you will be left at home alternating between crying and calling me all the names under the sun. Knowing that I have been able to do what I want whilst keeping you at home underlines my dominance and affirms why I am the superior one. Your repeated messages and telephone calls just feed me more fuel as once again I win this battle. I sometimes wonder why you even bother but I am glad you do, after all, I need the fuel from your reaction to my control.

“I’ve been reading on narcissism for 4.7 years. It’s been a brutal search for info and anything I can get my hands on to understand. If you’ve been confused and worn down long enough you get what I’m saying immediately. All the literature, counselling, education I’ve obtained has all been worth it, but nothing, and I mean nothing explains it better than HG TUDOR’S books. It is valuable, valuable precious insight to hear it from a man who lives this life. No other literature I’ve ever read has done this. It’s exactly what I needed to read.”

Embrace Evil and begin your understanding and recovery.

US  http://www.amazon.com/Evil-H-G-Tudor-ebook/product-reviews/B01496BIXS

UK http://www.amazon.co.uk/Evil-H-G-Tudor-ebook/dp/B01496BIXS

AUS http://www.amazon.com.au/gp/product/B01496BIXS

CAN  http://www.amazon.ca/Evil-H-G-Tudor-ebook/dp/B01496BIXS

Money is one of the most obvious ways in which one can demonstrate one’s power. Money provides options, it reveals opportunities and provides chances where none might have existed previously. Money equates to power and power equates to money. We have a healthy attitude to the question of money. What we create is ours. Yours is ours also. I have written previously how the successful of our kind exhibit our success and our power through the accumulation of money. It may be the creation of a successful business, the climbing of the corporate ladder into well-paid positions of responsibility and it might be the production of items and services that others require. There are of course those of our kind who have not grasped the concept that there is an unique opportunity afforded by the way that we are to be successful and in turn earn substantial amounts of money. Those of our kin who have not harnessed our special attributes in that manner are quite frankly a disappointment and they shall forever remain lesser narcs. Yes they are narcs but quite frankly they are not in my league or that of my high-achieving counterparts. I must admit to having nothing but contempt for those our kind who have failed to apply our abilities in this manner. They are letting the side down. That, however, is a topic for another day. What our less able kind and those of us who have embraced success do have in common is the unfailing ability to drain you of your financial health.

How does this manifest? Perhaps some of the following will be familiar to you?

  • Never paying for drinks and meals when out together
  • Never contributing to joint expenses and then spending a small fortune on something for ourselves
  • Borrowing money repeatedly with a convincing tale of woe attached. The money is never re-paid.
  • Taking out loans in your name which you only find about some time later when they are in default
  • Learning the house has been mortgaged to the hilt and the advanced funds have been frittered away
  • Expensive addictions to drink, drugs, prostitutes and/or gambling which we expect you to bail us out of
  • Straight forward theft
  • Failing to honour maintenance and child support arrangements
  • Selling your possessions
Why does this happen? Sometimes it is about instant gratification. We want something and we want it immediately. We have always been used to getting our own way so why should it be any different when it comes to the question of money? We do not recognise any boundary that says we should not have your money. It is in play and up for grabs. We want something and you can pay for it. This of course reinforces our control over you by seizing your finances and goods we have you beholden to what we want to do. We show that we are in control and of course we anticipate horror, howls or protest and anger when you learn of our activity. All of which is good fuel. There is also an element of retribution. We may have been denied something and this in turn offends our sense of entitlement. We feel criticised and we want to get rid of that sensation. One method is to assert our power by taking what belongs to you and using it to our benefit. Sometimes we do this an expend your financial resource in a totally excessive fashion which just wastes the money. To us however there is no waste in such a step. It underlines our importance, it affirms our power and it keeps you under out control.
The scale by which our kind engages in this sequestration of the money and assets of others can vary hugely in scale, even when perpetrated by the same person. In that vein I am reminded of the late Robert Maxwell. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the name, Maxwell was a Czech born media mogul who operated a publishing empire in the United Kingdom. He fell off his yacht in 1991 and drowned. There is little doubt that he was one of our kind – plenty has been written about the man and his behaviours which confirms that. Maxwell plundered the company pension scheme stealing hundreds of millions of pounds from the pensions of the employees leaving thousands of people in financial difficulty. There was the misappropriation of the money of others on a massive scale. Maxwell was also found on Christmas morning by his wife and children surrounded by torn wrapping paper. He had wanted to know what had been bought for the children. Rather than ask his wife, he went ahead and opened all the wrapped gifts. He did not take the gifts but he certainly trampled over a boundary and appropriated the surprise that was meant for his children. Nobody is beyond our sense of entitlement when it comes to money or assets.

Two different voicemail messages.

Message One.

“Hi it’s me,  I am not able to come over tonight. I am not feeling too good. I know you were cooking dinner as well and I am sure it will be very good but I really am not well. I had hoped I would have caught you as I should imagine that you are preparing the food about now. Maybe you have been really organised and you are in the shower instead. Anyway I know it is late but there it is I did not plan to fall ill. I know you will be disappointed as you told me how much you were looking forward to spending some time together and how you wanted to make a special meal. I had even gone and bought that wine you said that would go so well with the meal. I just about managed to struggle through work. I had to really because I had to ensure that we hit the month’s targets so I battled on. We hit the targets by the way so at least some good has come of it but I have probably pushed myself too much and this is the consequence. I have had a lie down but it did not really help. I had too much in my mind and my ‘phone kept beeping. I thought it might have been you checking to see how I was so I kept looking at it but it wasn’t. Anyway, I am sure you can save the food or something. Call me when you get this message.”

Message Two

“It’s me I need you. You have to come quick. Something terrible has happened to me and only you can help me. I did not know what to do so I thought I would call you. I thought you would answer but you must be doing something else more important. Where are you by the way? You are usually in the house at this time. You need to get  to me as soon as you get this message. It is a major emergency and I need you. I need you right away and you are the only one who can help me, nobody else can. I tried your house phone but there was no answer and they said you left work an hour ago so where on earth are you? Incidentally, you need to have a word with your secretary she was not very helpful. I asked where you were and all she would say was that you had left an hour ago. She did not say where you were going or anything. She is rather rude. You should keep that in mind for her next appraisal. Please call me back the instant you get this message. It is so important I get to see you. I need your help. It is massively important. I will try again in a few minutes in case your voicemail is faulty, call me, please, call me, I need you.”

Two different calls but who made them?

Fakery, fabrication and lies are the bricks and mortar of our existence. They are the bread and butter that enable us to have sustenance. I know that when you look back at the golden period you always struggle to understand that it was not real. You cannot fathom out how something that felt so right, so true and so real could actually be something so false. Our behaviour seemed so genuine. Our declarations of undying love so moving and emotive, how could this be a façade? Yes you thought occasionally that we were a little over the top but you found that endearing. The reason it seemed so genuine is because our performance was so convincing. This performance was of such a high calibre owing to two things. The first because we have practised repeatedly and we possess experienced ease at mimicking the behaviour of others. We have done it so often and to so many people we do it without thinking. And there is the neat segue into the second reason. We do it without thinking because we believe it to be absolutely the right thing to do. We are not concerned that we are exhibiting a false front to you. We are not troubled by the fact that all our smiles, kisses and pleasantries are manufactured. Not only are we not burdened by this because we are not designed to be burdened by such concerns it also because we have the complete and utter conviction that behaving in this manner is the right thing to do. We need to seduce you. We need to ensnare you and what better way to do so than by this campaign of love and desire? Where is the harm in that? We get you where we want you, we receive dollops of delicious fuel and you feel loved, wanted and placed on a throne at the top of a pedestal. It is a win- win surely?

Does it really matter that your bag is a fake Louis Vuitton? It holds objects, feels the same and looks the same, so where it the problem? That Blu-ray disc is not a genuine licensed film but you can still watch it all the same with next to no deterioration in viewing pleasure, so again, what is the issue? Our fakery works for you and it works for us.

Our façade to the world of being charming, reliable and wonderful despite that particular mask being removed behind closed doors again is just a necessary device. How does it matter than friends and family are conned? They like me, they admire me and they believe me so where again is the harm in that? Yes, they may not believe what you have to say about me based on my façade but that is your fault. If you had kept up the flow of fuel this would not have to happen. Everyone else out there is in blissful ignorance and you want to change that. You want them to see what you claim is the real me. Why? All you will do is upset and alarm them. Is it not better that they remain shrouded in the illusion, content and unaware,rather than be subjected to the concern and worry that you seem intent on burdening them with? Why must you project your problems on to other people?

Even when I denigrate and berate you this too is merely manufactured. I do not really mean those horrible things that I say and do. I just do them because I have to. I have to keep you in your place, under my control and spewing out that negative fuel that I crave so much. If you had kept up the supply of decent quality fuel I would not have to say these things to you to provoke a reaction. I only do it because I must, I do not mean any of it. Even when you ignite my fury my hateful words and spiteful comments through this explosive fury is only based on a necessity to protect myself from your awful criticism of me. I do not mean it, it just has to happen. Do you understand now why it is not my fault? There is no real intent behind what I say and do, they are just merely actions which serve a purpose to ensure I get the fuel that I need.

From my seduction, through to my façade to everyone else and even my devaluing of you, it is all based on a fabrication. A necessary set of illusions required to preserve my existence. No matter who I deal with, who I interact with or who comes within my sphere of influence, I roll out the lies, the untruths and the perfidy. Everything I say or do is manufactured but I have an utter conviction in the necessity of this manufactured process so that this, couple with an absence of conscience or remorse enables me to churn out the lies and illusions like a factory production line.

I am always on the fake. And that’s the truth.

Your role in any relationship which involves us is to listen. We have no interest in what you have to say unless you are giving us fuel. It does not matter if you are lavishing us with praise or calling us all the names under the sun, so long as it is providing us with our much-needed fuel then we listen. Well, I say listen but the reality is somewhat different. When you are showering us with effusive praise we heard the words that give us the fuel but what we really hear is,

“Yes you are right, yes I am powerful, yes I am better.”

Those words echo through our mind as you tell us how brilliant and wonderful we are. When you are engaged in shouting at us, exhibiting your anger or pleading with us not to go or to stop berating you, then we hear the noise that you generate which in turn provides us with fuel. We do not process the content of what you are saying. All we are hearing is how powerful and successful we are and contemplating what we will do or say next to keep up this flow of fuel.

By contrast you are expected to listen to us and absorb and digest every word we utter. This is because what we have to say if naturally always of interest, of consequence and great import. We have an opinion on everything because we are experts at everything. Our knowledge is vast and encyclopaedic and we enjoy letting you know this to be the case. You must sit and listen whilst we regale you with our stories of success, our tales of triumph and our anecdotes of achievements. You should ensure that your eyes are wide in rapt attention, mouth slightly agape in silent awe at our magnificence and those ears of yours are pinned back so they take in each sentence, every word and all the syllables. If we sense that you are not listening to us then be prepared for us to lash out at you for your failure to pay heed to the gold that we issue forth from our mouths is a criticism of us. You are suggesting we are not worth listening to, that we are boring and that we have nothing of importance to say. How wrong you are? We delight in long lectures where we propound how fantastic we are and remind you how fortunate you are to be in our presence. Our addiction to the sound of our own voice enables us to embark on lengthy monologues and especially if the topic is castigating and chiding you for whatever wrongdoing we have seized on. You must not argue back whilst we stand in our pulpit, for that is a criticism also. How dare you interrupt us when we are trying to help you.

We have a view about everything except when we know that expressing now view or a dismissive shrug will invite an emotional reaction in those around us. On that occasion a fabricated air of ignorance will suit us just fine as we elicit that fuel response from you. Once we have allowed you to express your surprise, frustration or annoyance at our dismissive response, we will of course claim to know exactly what you are talking about and launch into a detailed exposition. This is further designed to make sure you listen to us. It minimises your opportunity to criticise us (which as you know we cannot stand) and it reinforces our superiority and brilliance.

To emphasise your position as our listening post we delight in interrupting what you are saying. We will talk over the top of you raise our voices to drown you out and even clamp our hands over our ears and shout,

“La la la.”

We do it because it infuriates you. We do it because we have to be listened to. We are stood on the soapbox and by doing this we always ensure that the spotlight swings around and shines on us. In order to keep talking we will shift positions, moving from one stance to another irrespective of whether it is logical to do so. So long as we keep you listening and prevent you from speaking then this is what matters.

Even when we have subjected you to one of our legendary silent treatments we expect you to be ready and waiting for the first pronouncement that we will make. We expect you to behave like a listening post. You must listen out for our arrival and ensure you are ready to greet us with enthusiasm and ask how our day has been. Do not expect it to be reciprocated. We demand you listen out for praise about us from other sources so you can relay it to us and also to advise us if someone is telling untruths about us so we can launch a strike against them. You are to listen to everything we say so that you can always act in our best interests. We even expect you to hear the things that we do not say but you ought to hear anyway. You should be used to hearing through telepathy by now surely? Yet, should you be listening in on our other activities when we are talking to a new source of fuel that we have covertly cultivated or if you listen in on our conversations with a coterie of admirers who have flocked around us then you are a spy, an eavesdropper and an unwelcome snooper. In such an instance you will be taken to task and made to listen and listen hard to our scolding and denigration of you.

You should ensure you are alert, listening at all times except those times when you should not be doing so. No, we will not tell you what those times are. You should have this worked on by now. So after listening to yet another of our diatribes delivered at full pelt as we explode with fury at one of your critical transgressions, make sure you listen and listen well and at the end give a resounding cry of

“Hear! Hear!”

I remember the day, or more accurately that the floodgates were opened on my promiscuity. It was when I attended a particular university for the purposes of an admission interview. It was early December and this historic and beautiful university city was lit up by orange and yellow lamps as a little mist clung to the narrow alleyways and courtyards. I had concluded my two interviews (read Fury if you want to know more about how they progressed and how one interview impacted on me) and returned to the junior common room to meet up with two other candidates. They were applying to the same college but to read a different subject to me. They were both English literature students. He was from Greenock in Scotland and she was a bookbinder’s daughter from Cambridge in England. Beer was consumed, stories swapped and the fellow from Greenock retired to his room. The bookbinder’s daughter, she was called Sarah, came back to my room and we talked before we climbed into bed together. I had a girlfriend at the time and whilst there had been dalliances with other girls I had not slept with another. That changed that night. And in the morning too. Sarah wandered away across the quadrangle to her room and I rose from my bed to seek out the bathroom. She decided to stay another day at the college because she wanted to spend time with me. I was happy for her to do so as I waited around, as was customary, in case an interview arose at another college.  The following day we both departed, she to the east and me to the west and once I alighted at the train station near to my girlfriend’s house I went straight round to see her. She was pleased to see me and embraced me with enthusiasm. I returned the enthusiasm. I had no sense of guilt at my infidelity. Nothing at all. Instead I revelled in the way I had taken Sarah to my bed and now strode into my then girlfriend’s bedroom with her asking with admiration how my interview had progressed and what the college was like.

Following that first time I never looked back. I cheated left, right and centre. With that girlfriend and with all subsequently. Why did I do it? Way back then I realised how good it made me feel but I had no understanding of why I actually did it. Something always drove me to do it. I realised that the relevant girlfriend would be upset if she knew what I had done but this never stopped me. I never gave it a second thought. Even as I was locked in an embrace with some relative stranger and an image of the girlfriend formed in my mind I felt no tug of conscience, remorse or guilt. All I knew was that I was able to seduce, pull, entice and ensnare everywhere I went. I would meet someone and always find something attractive about them – it might be the colour of their hair, the length of their legs, their accent, the way they rolled the letter r, the fact they drank with a straw or the size of their breasts. It might be their enthusiasm for a particular band, their recollections of travelling or the manicured nails. Each and everyone had some kind of attraction. I could not resist trying to ensnare someone in order to bring them under my spell. It was then that I realised what it was that really drew me to them, it was the promise of their attention. I realised I was able to get them hooked on me. I had convinced myself that I was drawn to them for some other reason but it dawned on me that I was just telling myself that as a reason. A reason that I required to explain this compelling desire to couple with someone. But that was not the real reason. The truth was that I wanted their attention on me and this was the way to get it.

Yes it was pleasant engaging in that first kiss and I enjoyed the sensations that arose when the embrace escalated but it was not what I actually I wanted. I wanted them to praise me. I wanted them to become transfixed by me and for them to shine their spotlight firmly on me.  The promiscuity has always continued and it does not matter who with it is the fact that I am able to do seduce and by so doing gather that starry-eyed admiration, those pleasing words and the attention. This engagement does not end with behaving in a promiscuous fashion. I will engage in discussions with a stranger of my own sex,at a bar, a railway platform or in a lift. I have no desire to seduce them sexually for that is not my preference but I do cause them to like me and in so doing give me that fuel that I need.

Often I feel like admitting my repeated transgressions straight away to the relevant girlfriend of the time but I have no desire to puncture my primary source of fuel by doing this. I do find it interesting how they always react with such alarm and distress on the odd occasion I do make such a confession. If I tell them how well I got on with a random male in an exchange at a bar, someone with whom I have swapped views, thoughts and opinions, I receive a smile and a comment of,

“Always good to make new friends.”

Yet an admission of coupling with a stranger results in hysteria even though to me these interactions are similar. Yes, one might yield greater fuel than the other but in terms of intimacy they are equally redundant. That is not why I do it. I do not do it because I want to savour the sensation of another’s mouth against me. I do it because I want them to give me fuel. I can understand how you may be aghast if in a normal relationship a partner behaves with infidelity but to our kind it just about the attention, the admiration, the fuel. You have such a great hang up because sex is involved. That is just the gateway device to me. If I could get the attention another way so that it provides such fuel then believe me I will do it. However, in your world, on the whole, the act of a sexual union accords a greater connection between two people which means you yield more fuel and are more inclined to keep providing it as you seek more from the liaison.

Our promiscuity arises to enable us to achieve fuel. From the new target who is seduced by us and from you should we alert you in some way (either in whole or in part) to our new interest. The condemnation that is attached to promiscuity when in a relationship means that your reaction just provides us with even more fuel. There is a risk of your supply being punctured by this revelation but it is a calculated risk and is often done when the quality of your supply generally has started to wane.

To us promiscuity when in a relationship is merely a means to an end. To you, well, you behave as if it is the end of the world. It really isn’t.