Gamechanger
I love playing games.As I have written before, the games are always being played. I only ever play to win otherwise there is no point. I cannot lose and sit back and smile and accept it was nevertheless an enjoyable experience because if I was to lose then it could not be enjoyable. I would be accepting that you or someone else is better than me. You are not. He is not. They are not. I always have to win. In order to achieve this I operate by a particular set of rules. You think you know what those rules are because when we first come together I deign to play by your rules, I agree to operate by the systems and conventions of your reality. That is easy for me to do because everything is going swimmingly. I am seducing you and therefore you are letting me win because it feels good. I am content to go along with the pretence of agreeing that these are the rules of engagement, You think you are winning because you are getting this wonderful, generous and loving person. In reality, I am winning because I am receiving plenty of positive fuel from you.
It is thereafter that the rules alter because I decide (and it is always my decision) that we will now abide by the rules in my reality. You are not given a rulebook and you have to guess what those rules are. As soon as you think that you have grasped them and got a handle on them, they will suddenly change. It is akin to playing a game of football and I am winning three nil. You score two more goals and you are in the ascendancy and likely to equalise. There would normally be fifteen minutes to go but suddenly I change the rules so there is just one minute left. You fail to score and I win. You protest stating that is not the correct time but it does not matter because here I am the referee, the assistants and the fourth official and what I say goes. If you do not like it, tough. I will just pick up the ball and go home with it. It is like a game of darts where you have to start from 501 and end with a double. I on the other hand start from 51 and do not need a double. You claim it is not fair but why should I care about it? I have to win. Thus, you may realise that I enjoy a lie-in on a Sunday morning so you do not disturb me. I will purposefully set the alarm early and get up waking you early. Or if I do have a lie in, I will concoct some mystery appointment that I have missed because you let me lie in. When you wake me early the following Sunday I will erupt at you for being so selfish and not letting me sleep.
When you think have ascertained what the rules are they will alter. You will do your best to try and keep up but it is exhausting and frustrating. Yet, this manipulation of the rules to allow our kind to win does not end there. Goodness me no. Our driven desire to always be the winner means that not only will be sucker you by pretending to play by your rules and then change them, we will then change the game. One moment you think you are playing Monopoly and then I am telling you it was Professor Plum in the Study with the Candlestick.
“But that is Cluedo,” you will declare rather puzzled.
“I know,” I will smile in return.
“But we are playing monopoloy.
“No we are not.”
“Yes we are, look this board has streets from New York on it.”
“No it doesn’t, those are rooms in the stately home.”
“What are you talking about? See here and here, street names.”
“Are you blind? Those are snakes and ladders.”
“What? You’ve changed it again.”
“No I haven’t. You are just making a fuss because you are losing.”
“What are you on about? I am not losing, I was winning.”
“Not at all. Check mate.”
“What?”
Our phenomenal capabilities for lying, blame-shifting, denial and reflection all mean that the game will change. You are wrong footed, unsure of yourself, confused and we keep on doing it. We must win, always and you have to lose, at your cost. We will apply all our methods of manipulation to ensure we are victorious and you lie sprawled in the dirt, broken and defeated. Our success has to be at everything and I mean everything, from the trivial to the substantial, Defeat is never an option for our kind and we will bend, twist and snap the rules and alter the game in order to achieve this. Now, let’s play a game. It is my favourite. You may know it. It is called Guess Who? You have no chance.
11 thoughts on “Gamechanger”
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Very insightful. I am not in your club, but even when I lose I talk about the follish need to feel competitive. How you set always set yourself up for failure when doing this, and miss the point of the game which is to bond. You can’t win everything. You can still win by pointing out others need to feel competitive, and highlight the fact making them feel smaller in the process. Only when they gloat. Gotta save face.
How about a game of happy families ?
Slightly off piste but my N sister always used to insist on being the banker when we played monopoly as children. She didn’t care how she won as long as she won. I learned to let her win because otherwise she didn’t want to play and would have a massive rage.
Now my favourite game is creating that rage and it can be so easily done.
It has been a month now since the guy I had been dating for a few months discarded me. This isn’t the first time he has blocked my texts and put me on complete ignore mode, but not before making it clear that I am the crazy psycho when trying to express my feelings or calling him out on his bullshit. He did how ever unblock me long enough to send me one of his sexist jokes and then an invitation to see him at his house. When I didn’t reply quick enough he told me it was a small window of time or I was getting blocked again. When I told him it was late and I had my daughter that night he replied “you lose” .
I started researching his behavior around the second time of being on ignore. I could not figure him out and I am not one to give up until the problem is solved. I had no idea what a narcissist was or knew this kind existed. The more research I do the more I realize I fell for a “narc”… or did I? All the signs are there. He was practically screaming “I am a narc!” right in my face. What confuses me is how quickly he turned. It only took a few weeks of us dating before he took control of me and stated changing the rules daily just to see me fail. I don’t even know how I let this happen so quickly or how I lost my standards and self worth. The worse part of it all is that there is no hope, no helping him, and no cure. It’s almost like I’m greiving a death. I say this because the person I thought I was falling for will never come back. He will never come back because he doesn’t exist. He is nonexistent, invisible, nothing. It’s sad for all narcs, to be nonexistent, invisible, nothing, just walking around in a fake body and totally empty. That’s why it was so hard for me to accept him for what he is. It’s like I need to hear from a narc himself that this is true. So I redirected my research to a narcissist point of view. Do you know how hard it is to research that when narcissists do not admit that they are a narcissist? I have read a lot of your blogs and I feel I got the answers I need. Problem solved. Thank you.
You are welcome B.
Only a few weeks ago I saw my ex narc for the first time in four years since I finished the relationship. He threw me his most disarming smile which he knew a few years earlier would have melted me in an instant. I looked him in the eyes and said, “well well what a surprise” then walked off with as much dignity I could muster.
I was half expecting to be bombarded by emails, but nothing…
Game set and match to me I believe.
The problem with all that game playing is that you’ve obviously never had a formidable opponent. Even David took Goliath down. The bigger they come, the harder they fall. And it’s your NEED to win, the desperation, the despair, the pitiful tantrums, it’s in that moment that you already lost. You’ve shown how incredibly flexible you can be regarding the rules of the game. But then again, its easy to be flexible when you’re spineless.
“You’ve got to know when to hold em. Know when to fold em. Know when to walk away. And know when to run.” ; )
And you have said in previous writings, the only time you feel you can’t win is if they go no contact and ignore you? There is no other way for someone to challenge your methods on winning? Any way for a victim to walk away letting their Narc think they won now by walking away even if they are completely heartbroken inside?
My ex N wanted me to come over for a game of Scrabble in the first week….and then decided against it. He “joked” and said he didn’t want to break up so soon….I should have got a clue then…lol!
It was Cribbage that showed me just how serious the win at all cost attitude was with my recent ex-N.
I had warned him that I was a very serious player myself. I learned to play while spending several months in hospital in my teen years from very experienced cribbage players. We spent hours playing, not much else to do as I was confined to a wheelchair lol
The ex was confident that he was the better player… he couldn’t beat me though and grew increasingly frustrated to the point I was sure he was ready to throw the board at me!
I love games, such fun. Only, I do not need to win. The Monopoly and Clue example made me smile. I prefer Clue, as you get to expose someone for what they have done.
Guess who, yes an impossible game for who I think it is, is based on only who he showed me he was, minus what I found out on my own, that is. Like a puzzle, till all the pieces fit. Where is the fun of doing a puzzle, In the completion or in the excitement of finding the right pieces to fit together to form the whole picture?
So, what if you instead tell your self they simply won by chance, not skill. As In Life, chance can intervene and change any game plan. If the other player, is not as skillful or clever as you, then doesn’t that nullify their win anyways.
What if in your goal and game to obtain fuel, the other party doesn’t lose. What if you actually both win. If your win is achieved by the fuel you achieve through the positive and negative reactions of your opponent. You win. But what if the love and attention you lavish, even if falsely, on the other party makes them feel loved and cared for. Well then by their mere belief in it being genuine , they win. Sure, you crush that illusion in due time. But I mean, in the moment, where is the clear winner. If you maintain self honesty, that all interactions are false with an agenda to obtain fuel. Yet, your opponent believes all interactions are genuine. In order for you to clearly win, you would immediately have to crush the obvious delusion of your opponent, thusly potentially negating any further fuel from them. What if simply allowing someone to believe your lies are truth, they falsely believe they are winning. You know it is false, by your own self honesty. But they do not.
Is it not better to play against an opponent who wants or needs to win as well, to have the most power and control in a win, to have a more clear and Perceived loss in your opponent?
If the opponent isn’t playing to win, but you are. If they actually enjoy the last minute game changers, find them exciting. What if they want you to win too. What if your opponent merely enjoys playing with you, as you play with them. What if they win and do not care, as it was nevr their goal. What if they never perceive you as a loser?
Is a win, always a win regardless of how the opponent perceives the game?
Here is something my Narcisist said to me you do my head in, I am sure I did. But, I think deep down he liked it, equally as much as he hated it. Did I mean to do his head in …NO. Did I, yes. Did he do mine in, maybe, but I like a challenge.
This was an excellent analogy to think on.
This is where we have to be smart enough to recognize the game and walk away. Game over.