Do Your Homework!
How often did you hear this refrain when you were a child? The command to get on with your homework and not to leave it until Sunday evening or even worse on the bus to school the following day. Homework is seen as an integral part of a student’s academic progress. I was a diligent student. I could not be any other since I was trapped between the rock of a headmaster for a father and a hard face, I mean a hard place in the form of my driving and ambitious mother. From time to time she would place me in her car and drive to a run down and dilapidated area of the nearest city.
“Take a look, HG,” she would announce as she drove along a street with boarded up windows, graffiti-sprayed walls and broken roofs, “these are the type of places you end up if you do not study hard at school. You do not want that do you?”
“No mother,” I would dutifully respond as I watched the derelict houses speed by. Thus I was always reminded of the value of positive application across my various academic disciplines. It was reinforced repeatedly that I had to study hard, complete my essays and assignments and always do my homework. I am sure you can recall the temptation posed by your friends calling round to ask if you were coming out, or you had a new computer game you would much rather play or there was something on television that you would rather watch. The allure of something shiny and attractive always proved a distraction. We would all much rather do the exciting things rather than attend to the humdrum even if the humdrum is what is required to enable us to benefit in the long term. That naturally requires discipline. It is difficult isn’t it to focus on something that is not especially exciting or is mundane? We would all much rather choose to the things which are new,fresh and exciting.
This is precisely what we rely on when we come blazing into your life. We distract you with our flattery and our charm. We turn your heads with the compliments and the excitement. Our whirlwind of desire is so difficult to resist. There may be one or two voices struggling to make themselves heard above the noise of our incessant flattering chatter. Those voices may know what we are or they at the very least are concerned by what they are witnessing and they urge you to consider carefully what you are doing. They see certain behaviours and they are not caught up in the excitement and razzle dazzle. They have some objectivity and quite possibly more life experience than you. They may recognise these behaviours having seen them with other people and they are trying to guide you to avoid making the mistakes that they have. Theirs is the voice of reason, akin to that parent who reminds you to get that homework done. It is never a popular suggestion and one that is always too readily ignored. I am sure you know people who now as adults perhaps have not made the best of themselves and they rue the fact that they should have tried harder at school or they should have listened to their parents but now it is too late for them. They did not listen and they chose the excitement of hanging out with their friends and larking about at McDonald’s or on street corners to getting their head down and doing their homework. They have failed to heed the advice that was given by those who have more experience and wisdom. Just like them you were too absorbed with the excitement we brought into your world, it was far easier and far more attractive to become engrossed in what we offered than to sit and reflect, heed advice and do the homework. I have heard it many times,
“If only I had listened to my mother, she kept saying something was not right.”
“My friends kept trying to tell me but I thought I knew best.”
“I wish I had done some due diligence now, but I guess it is too late.”
When we arrive promising you the world and telling you that you do not need to do your homework because you have us now, you might just want to re-consider that and get out some books and do some studying. By reading and learning you will protect yourself and achieve more. You will go further. Just like I did.
17 thoughts on “Do Your Homework!”
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That’s why I read all the time. ..power? You seize when You make Your own choice..every time. great read G.
Thank you.
I was (obviously) present during my Narc’s discard of her last victim, her husband after a 16 year marriage, where I heard and saw behaviour which i now know is classic Narc behaviour. I saw many signposts that I totally ignored at the time. I mulled them over as I could see something was not right at all, but fell so hopelessly ‘in love’during the love bombing period, nothing else mattered.
13 years later I was present (obviously – for delicious fuel) during my own discard and was treated to many juicy peices of information about the new ‘victim’ that had been ensnared and watched helplessly, the love bombing that was taking place with him and noted all the similarities of when this happened to me.
I was totally unaware of a personality disorder called NPD back then (it was only 7 months ago but feels like a lifetime) but I knew something was so not right about what was happening in our relationship.
All I could say during the 7 or so years was that my ex was emotionally abusive and it took me years to stand back far enouth to see even this much. I had no idea that the classic toxic dance between me – the Co-dependant and a Narcissist was taking place and no amount of homework beforehand would EVER have prepared me for it.
During the first few months after my discard I just wanted to stay friends with my Narc – she was happy to do this but now I know why. I met my replacement at that time (what a lucious fuel-filled meeting for our Narc) and from what I saw then, he is a total Empath who looks like he can’t quite believe his luck that after not ever feeling loved for his entire life ( as told to me by my Narc ) he says he has finally found his ‘soul mate’.
I have studied every single book you have written HG and I thank you for saving whatever is left of my life. I have read and researched so much and understand how both myself and my ex have become who we are and why.
I feel so sorry for my replacement but I can do nothing to warn him as he is busy listening to how vile and violent I was and how I have damaged my ex so badly she is having to seek the help of a Psychologist.
Maybe ‘homework’, like revenge, is a dish that is best eaten cold.
Thankyou for sharing that Mandy. It is evident from what you have written that you have now gained an understanding about what has happened to you and why the narcissist you became entangled with has acted in such a way. This understanding is the key to your sanity. I am pleased my writings have proven of use and interest to you. It still seems that you have some proximity to the narcissist and that maelstrom – how do you feel about that? You will also be interested, I suspect, in my forthcoming book ” Revenge : How to Beat the Narcissist” which will be available next week.
I have gone no contact since September last year. Since then I have answered two hoovering emails but feel strong enough today to never ever reply to another.
Thanks to you HG, I am no longer a fuel supplier to anyone. She needs to slurp from someone else now! xxxx
You have seized the power.
Sadly, your mother reminds me of my mother and myself….
HG did you figure out where all my posts from past two days went. It is most frustrating, as one minute they send and are here, then Poof gone. Are they binned 😊 I posted here earlier. There doesn’t seem to be any issue with any other blog on WordPress as all those posts have gone through.
I did post reply here earlier through WordPress. I liked this entry and yesterday’s as well, just to let you know. Much of what you write resonates with me.
Thank you again for reply on other post.
I was always studious as a child, I studied with the radio or television on always and since I am visual learner, I am a keen note taker. I find by writing information I absorb it more quickly. In University fellow classmates sought my notes. In the work place, I take minutes at meetings and take care of most documentation.
I was always a straight A student, but still my mother was never pleased and continued to do compare me to others. The why can’t you be like, so and so …
HG did you feel the same way, as a child. Under constant pressure and scrutiny to perform up to snuff?
I was never distracted by my studies , though. I enjoyed studying and school.
My N, did however distract me from other things. In that, I also ignored advise of several friends, who indeed saw though his facade. Making sure he knew they thought he wasn’t good enough for me.he even tried to create a rift between me and said friends. But, I loved him, so I ignored their concerns.
I am not easily distracted. But yes, he was my greatest and albeit, best distraction, at the time. But unlike, the crow, his shininess did not fly me into a window. It did drive me into Sadness and sorrow.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Myuo3NNJ4Ng
Although it does remind me of this !! I heard this song pre N but ignored it.
Anyone who would prefer not to use the link search for ‘run rabbit run’ by the Hoosiers
I think I may have read this somewhere before HG……
Well said.
Its true. The only way to get out of a dysfunctional relationship is by reading. Beating the addiction also involves lots of reading and analysis.
Thanks to you for all your literature, was really the one that helped me to understand and realize in what relationship I was.
Reading about codependency helped me realize why this has happened and how to avoid it happening again because as its an addiction, part of the cure is understanding marcissistic abuse and how its deployed on us but the other part is curing the addiction with self love and healing childhood wounds.
Ive found a codependency 12 step program in my city and Im thinking about going to see whats it all about.. Does somebody of the readers have experience with this??
By the way HG i was not a very good student in school, but as My dad also drove me through the poor parts of the city, in university I became straight A 😃.
Nothing like seeing deprivation to spur you on.
Well I am not so sure if that was really motivation because the whole schooltime I was a pretty average and sometimes even below average (Spanish 😖) student. It probably did play a part but After I came back from Canada, and have backpacked half of the country, It was my dreams of traveling and seeing the world thAt motivated me to do above average in Uni.
And there it is. You are punishing your mother. It’s so simple. You’re just like the rest of us…damaged.