No Contact : How to Beat the Narcissist
The definitive guide to applying and maintaining No Contact
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108 thoughts on “No Contact : How to Beat the Narcissist”
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This is indeed of the top class medicines HG. Nevertheless the people in recovery groups dont want to hear any theory concerning the narcissits anymore but rather only the recovery part where the narcissist is not mentioned anymore… Its understandable but I guess to unflexible because books like fuel or the devils kit are a must read when having encountered your kind.
I agree 100%. Other sites are helpful in that it’s comforting to realize you’re not alone. Some are still so immobilized because they haven’t been exposed to this info which really answers the questions of why and how. I have to have my daily dose of H.G. and you all!
HG
Interesting comments on SLC.
HG
I love a challenge!!
Review posted HG. Apologies for the delay.
Mike.
Thanks Mike, much obliged, I was beginning to wonder and was about to send Lieutenant to have a word!
Haha HG.
Your lieutenants may have struggled!
Will review Fuel tomorrow.
Mike.
Sounds like a challenge Mike! I shall look out for tomorrow’s review.
HG
I have just submitted my review of Fuel.
Also sent it via email recommendation to Spartan Life Coach.
Mike
Thank you Mike, I appreciate that. Is SLC the scouse chap on YouTube?
That’s ok HG.
Yes, SLC is as you describe.
He corresponds with Sam Vaknin regularly and I hope he takes a look at your work.
I put up a link to this blog on his FB page but it never appeared.
I think you may be too triggering for many in his audience.
That’s a shame.
Yes I have seen a bit of his work. Usually has a dog padding about if I remember. Thank you for spreading the word though. Others have posted articles or made mention of this blog and usually give a trigger warning so those who are of a nervous disposition are duly warned. As I often write, the best medicine usually tastes terrible.
On your last point, yes I agree it can taste horrible to those with an aversion to medicine.
I think if I was given the truth….revenge would be dish, not even be on my menu at all. As it is now, it is merely a substitute meal, in case my main course isn’t a hit.
MLA , my ex used that term a lot, it means you were funny./ sarcastically humorous…where he uses boom boom, I would use drum roll lol…mind you I recall that song too, it may have been a nefarious reference 😏 be wary.
Haha Karaa34! I did detect the humorous sarcasm and used the song to play dumb and poke fun back!
Well played, indeed 👍
In fact. Not even typos, just completely wrong or made up words ? My phone wrote those HG, not me 🙂
Lots of typos
great book HG, I’m sat in the glorious sunshine and feeling very pleased with myself for executing exactly what you described and now knowing how this would have made him feel and why.
I fully support everything you describe in your book, for anyone else planning on going NC. Give no clue to them that you’re planning to do this. Sadly by the time we realise we need to get away they have already begun devaluing us and therefore have a new target. Mine has a new target, ‘my friend’. Who was also quite high in the N scale. So she too was getting great pleasure from any pain she could inflict on me. Perhaps that’s why I got out so quickly ? Who knows ?
I now almost want to try it with another N just to get out before they even start the D&D Hahha feel f*** them over !!
the grand Hoover hahah love that, yes, I survived this and he could only ever do this in person as I changed my number deleted all social media accounts etc. Not just for him but for anyone who knew him. He tried every trick he could think of to get my number or trick me into giving it too him. But although his thoughts are more malign than mine, my intelligence is superior on a day to day level.
As always your books prompt a few questions for me HG.
First off, I’ve read in many other books / on-line resources that Ns don’t ever commit suicide. But I’d have to disagree with that, and wondered what your thoughts are HG, using Fred West or Harold Shipman as an example. Perhaps more P like than N. But essentially largely the same characteristics.
HG do you think some Ns do commit suicide or only those who are incarcerated and unable to commit the type of crime they gain their fuel from ?
So a petty criminal or a non serial killer perhaps can still manipulate and do the things they enjoy to some degree whilst in prison but a serial killer is simply unable to commit the acts which give them fuel ?
I’ll get back to you with more HG. I’m hugely interested in your response. I’m far less interested in the non law abiding Ns and Ps but there is so much literature on them. I’m interested to know what other situations apart from being in prison under such circumstances could strip an N / P of their fuel ?
Hi Alexis, many thanks for your kind words and I am pleased that the book resonated with you. Perhaps you would furnish a review ? I am interested in your comment about wanting to find another N to instigate NC before the devaluation begins. That comment tells me that you are most likely a candidate for seeking revenge and therefore you may be interested in my next offering which will be available Friday which is all about getting revenge over your N. It goes beyond NC and is not for everybody but I think you will find it intriguing and be itching to try it out. Now, to your questions.
Yes it is rarely the case that Ns commit suicide as we have no desire to bring our own glorious reign to an end. It may happen in a very small percentage and I suspect in those instances it is where there is another comorbid condition which lends itself more to suicidal ideation such as BPD.
The other reason why an N might commit suicide is in the instance you have touched on. It is usually lesser Ns who find themselves in prison. Greater Ns either do not get caught or through their manipulation of witnesses, police and the system they are acquitted or reserve a community sentence. The lesser narc will still draw fuel in prison through manipulation of his cell mate, being the “daddy” on the wing, baiting of prison officers, psychiatrists and visitors and thus will be able to get by. The greater N where incarceration occurs by reason as you point out of serial killing is a risk for suicide. There is a greater chance they will be segregated and therefore the availability of fuel will be much reduced which in turn causes the destruction of the N. Faced with this, he cannot contemplate the loss of what he wants the world to see as him and consequently he ends his life. Alternatively, the greater N suffers the loss of position, status, entitlement and more besides through this imprisonment. He could draw fuel from the prison population etc as described above but the loss of those characteristics proves too great for him and wounds him so savagely that before he can repair himself with fresh fuel, he opts for suicide. Your comment is quite timely actually as the loss of these characteristics forms part of Revenge so for obvious reasons I am not going to write too much here. I do think that in the cases where an N commits suicide they have other PD issues which come to the fore and drive the suicidal ideation. Thanks for posing that question I found it interesting.
Great answer HG. I only wish I could articulate myself as well as you do. But you have answered to perfection and I. Cannot wait until Friday !!
I don’t really seek revenge to be honest. However. After a period of NC I went back to the environment the N is in. I don’t want to say where, however this type of environment probably has more PDs than any prison, so from an anthropological perspective it is a great place to observe and learn.
I enjoyed this place and wanted to return for my own purposes, however, I have numerous backups places of a similar nature should things go awry. I’ve never let on that I have any clue what he is, but nor would I care if he did find out as I’d just move on if I had to.
It amuses me hugely to observe he and other PDs at work. And whilst I don’t seek revenge per se, I enjoy ‘annoying him’ so these are very minor things. Like in front of other people, I will make him tell me that I am perfect for example. He has no choice as he wants to be perceived in a certain manner to everyone else. And even if he jokes and says I’m not perfect, I will respond by saying lalalala I only heard the word perfect. I’m very charismatic in my own right and so he cannot ignore my presence.
That’s just an example of how I like to annoy him and I have no desire whatsoever to take it any further than that. I just don’t hate him. I actually quite enjoy his company because I do find him rather amusing. And I do find it almost endearing the way he try’s to hurt me, it does not in any way penetrate me at all any more. And I enjoy playing with him as much as he does with me. I like the fact he hoovers and does not understand why I flirt with him, yet have not taken up any of his advances in the past two years.
That said, I’m waiting with baited breath for your book on Friday. I cannot wait HG. Friday seems so far away now !!
Anxiously looking forward to Friday myself for the same reason!
Is that our date night Clarece ?!
If you’re in Chicago, sure, why not?!
This may just be your lucky week.
Lucky or cursed? Lol (jk)
Boom boom !
Great ’80’s song, Boom Boom Let’s Go Back to My Room” Paul Lekakis! Are you hinting something H.G….? Lol
Are you cheating on me HG ?
Er no did I write date night, damn typos, I meant mate night. Yes mate night. Just friendly you know?
Oh HG, I feel so reassured now. Did you see that my eyes were welling up and a single tear rolled down my cheek. But your sweet words made those tears dry up immediately, only you have the power to control my tears.
I get these slight prangs of paranoia now and then, I never used to get them ? I just can’t quite put my finger on it. But you always make me feel okay again after.
Keep it flowing Alexis !
And from reading all your posts and books HG, I’ve kaesrned how much he hates physical contact, so I always make sure I give him a big hug publically so he has no choice but to return the hug. Privately, I only ever ‘fist bump’ him, because he hates that as its a sign of reconirion with no intimacy which shows him I’m not actually bothered about hugging him and not looking for intimacy.
I realise this gives him fuel still. But I don’t care. As I find it fun.
You rascal Alexis.
Just read he remainder of NC. I should have known you would answer my question in the book. When j read your books, they prompt many questions but when j turn a few more pages the answers are always there. You don’t miss anything out HG 🙂
Thanks Alexis, good to know that I am aware of what is going through your mind, but then that’s not change is it? Perhaps you could post a review of NC ?
Will do HG when I get back home 🙂
Much obliged.
hahahahaha HG facts cant be changed if we have read your books!! Sorry but it is like that and you know it. 😂😂😂😂
Me blame shifting ?? Did you not see 😂😂… But at the end yes it was you not publishing on time the comments 😂😂😂😂
Ha ha feisty I like it !
Fuel HG fuel !!!! ⛽️⛽️
That is factual Nikita…facts cannot be denied.
Oh yes they can.
Am I or you defiant?
HG
You write about your quest for immortality in the book Fuel. Yes, I know I am paraphrasing here but you will have life everlasting.
Your energy will now pass through all those I encounter and others on here will do the same I feel.
Your legacy is you and your writings.
Also you have eerily crept into my psyche.
Will this blog be the ultimate discard?
You will go.
But the legacy will be many ( I hope)
Wised up Empaths.
Interesting.
As you know, we like to work things out……..
This has brought my recovery to new levels.
If you discarded us it would only multiply recovery.
I don’t write this to put you down.
Just my thoughts.
Mike.
Mike I am pleased you have reocognised that this is part of my legacy. Now will you tell the good doctors please?
Yes you have made a big legacy with you books.
Its funny how mike says you discard us if you dont blog anymore.
I would not feel discarded but sad 😢. I enjoy alot reading you.
I am not going anywhere, I love you all far too much to do that.
Yes!!! Me too 💋💋💋😘
Nikita
I was using the narcissistic terminology.
Further on in my post I do say it would multiply recovery.
I wouldn’t feel sad either though.
It is what it is.
I don’t understand why you would find it interesting but there you go.
Mike
Hi mike
Yes it is what it is but I anway would get sad if I could not read the great writtings anymore.
Well Nikita I can only speak for myself, but once I have read the books I will not dwell on them. Throughout my recovery I have moved on once the lesson is learnt.
The one constant has been Spartan Life Coach.
HG has been a very great help to me but I will move on. Otherwise I am just dwelling on narcissism as I did many many months ago. I have no desire to do so.
I do about one and A half hours NARP moduling a week but do not entertain the forums anymore.
I want a healthy real life away from cyber space.
That’s my path.
I make no judgement on any other.
Hope that makes sense.
Mike
Sure it does. Reading HG is entertaining so I dont see how I could get or feel stuck. But I do agree that survivors have to move away from the narcissistic subject but I find this blog different. Apart that he is a great writter, the comments of the people are constructive and nice to read. Except when a lady called survivor appears 😱😱
I follow ROSS R i like him very much. I try to combine the learnings. Its true that since I found the blog y shifted my life towards ciberlife instead of talking on the phone with friends and family..
Its okay for a change and I anyway have to do home based things because like many women here I am a single mother and enjoy being with my kids after work.
Ciberlife allows me to give them more attention than phone calls 😃
Tuesdays nights are my freedays to go out but I have so much work that at the moment that work has been my tuesday evening entertainement. I see if I join. A codependancy 12 step support group that I discovered in my city and it takes place on Tuesday night. The rest of the evenings I like to spend with my kids ❤️
Life is about phases 😃 i think.
I agree with much of what you say. I devoted a whole day of my weekend reading two of HG’s books. So balance is required again. I thou roughly enjoyed them and have purchased two more to read at a more leisurely pace. Incredibly helpful and informative writings.
This blog is different, yes.
I did very little time on the FB victim forums.
Phases yes, I am finding as my “vibrational level” or recovery is going so high now that some very interesting people are coming more into my life.
I have a grown up son so no parenting issues.
I wish you well.
Mike
I agree! I would feel sad in that I would want to personally meet to thank the person who made such a profound impact and help me understand this is the best closure I can expect from dealing with the person I did.
I still think a book signing tour is in your future!!!!
For you Clarece I am sure it can be arranged.
I don’t need any more empty promises in this lifetime! Your word is gold… right H.G.?
I think you added an extra letter there Clarece. There was no need for the ‘l’.
Me too Clarence I wait to meet him in person 😜
Hi, MLA….yes, there are so many connections and coincidences in these dealings with Ns in our lives. That made me smile, what you and Nikita said about going out on the town,it would be great fun. I dare say fuel would be at high octane. Wouldn’t it be shame if there was sudden shortage 😉
If there is something I know how to do in life is party 😃😃☀️🎉🎉
Like it’s 1999 🎉🎉
Maybe youre younger than me…
Yes in 1999 I still partied but real hard party was 1992 to 1997 🎉🎉🎉
Power in numbers for us girls tho!!!
But so much fuel !
There so would be, I would still be targeted, no doubt. I nevr turn down a dance, u less I am not feeling the song, then I make apologies and promise the next song, one time, he came back four times, as I wasn’t feeling the song anytime …opps.
Oh no my comments were nevr posted, so now you are left thinking I am horrible like that 😞 I would not have ever done anything like those things, they were example of things a narc might do to an empath /victim. In an effort to show, you are not such a person, leaving him was to preserve yourself, that isn’t cruel. I promised to never leave mine…..which why I need closure.
Karaa I did read today although it would have been nicer to read before going to bed ( HG ‘s fault as always 😂😂).
Thanks for reassuring me I am far frok having done something bad.
Hugs
Stop blame shifting Nikita, I have told you about doing this before !
No, an empath would not do such things to cause pain in another, those are tricks of the narcs trade. Yes, I felt bad you were left thinking such, shame on HG for making you feel that way. Plus, as you notice he didn’t even answer OUR question above ❤️
Shifting the blame onto me again, typical.
I wasn’t shifting blame,that would imply I have blame, which I do not. I was just saying I felt bad for Nikita. No blame shifting.
Now you are deflecting. I don’t know, you accuse my kind of these behaviours when you are engaging in them yourselves!
Am I? How does that make you feel?
Amused.
That’s makes me happy then. Your welcome too.
I was only trying to show you that you are no where close to being a Narcissist. Sorry my examples made you think I am that way….that would be in an alternate dimension for that to occur. Not this lifetime 😊
Karas you know what it would seem to me like If I would be a narcissist. I devalued him by telling him he is a flirt and he had said something ( one sentence) that hurt very much and then I discarded him. Aftertwo weeks of discussions I started hiding and we met once and he left. Its not really a narcissistic discard… But I feel like it.
No wonder why its so often discussed at the codependency group the similarities and differences on codependants and narcissist and there is even a long posting f Ross Rossemberg clearly explaining that codepemdants are not narcissists…
I once read thanks God once a posting saying something like : it does not make me a narcissist to implement NC, because I need to protect myself and stand up for my rights”.
You know then that would make me an N too, we all have aspects of such within us. The perfectionsim we have for certain things, that we want to be heard and not ignored, that we hurt when slighted or criticised, that we feel angry and enraged at times. It is in the degree that we feel such things that determines how we are. Yes, if my N said something to hurt my feelings, which he did often or lied to me, which he did often, disrespected me, which he did…and I just didn’t talk to him, no explanation , but ignored all attempts of him contacting me until I felt he had been justly punished, then who knows, what I might be. If I slashed his tires, cause he said he didn’t like my haircut, or I destroyed his album collection because he was late for dinner date. If I flirted shamelessly in front of him , to make him Jealous continually to show him, I could have any man I wanted. It is In the extremes they go to that disconnect from the behaviour that it is associated with. We do not do these things, because we love, genuinely and we respect the feelings of our partners. So we do not wish to intentionally hurt then, even when we feel hurt. Sure we may lash out occasionally, we are human and infallible that way. But, we do not emotonally disconnect from our actions.p and the consquencing of our actions.
I am co dependent too, it is a process to heal such wounds stemming from childhood. i don’t feel the need to fix anyone I am with, I only have the need to support, love and honor them, as best I can. Knowing I deserve the same in return. If you do not stand up for yourself, who will, precisely ❤️
Hi karaa
I dont feel identified with almost anything that you mentioned above.. I never rage nor raise my voice.., i meditate every morning.,, I accept critics, i would never ever and never have destoyed anybodies property (OMG) did you really do that?? My parents did that to each other so I have kind of a trauma with that and consider this pretty low ( sorry for my honesty).
I dont really feel like people should be punished…. Thats life or Gods job not mine.., Nor would I flirt on purpose for jealousy but there Im flirty by nature…
Ahhh and Im not perfectionist but this one I would like to acquire 😃😃👍🏻. I just cant.
Imagine if I would work for HG 😃😂😂
I say I feel like a narcissist because I left a person who had pain, could have been a fake but I more rather think a N either transform real pain in rage or numbs him or herself… But I am advancing in the book and HG says what I had read before. Its just not on our nature to make NC, but yes I learn to stand up for myself ❤️
No I never did any of those things, they were just examples of behaviour that is over there too or the norm. I am not that type of person either. I respect other people always.
Ohhh Dear ( I Adopt british terms now 😃)
I am glad I misunderstood you!!! I was wondering it would not make sense that you do those things. Thanks for clarifiying!!!
I am not so sure if doing all those things even because of getting back to pain, fits for an empath, but I am nobody to judge…
Clarence is right. Would be cool meeting you and going out nightlife for fun 😃👍🏻
Hugs
Hi Karaa34! I identify with almost all of this. I think our Narcs are on level playing field especially with their favorite method of going MIA and doling out the silent treatment. Wish we lived in the same town and we could hang out! Lol. Bet if we were out having a lot of fun, all of a sudden our fuel would be the most coveted.
“The mixture”- that is brilliant. I have never ever heard the alchemy described in those terms but it is simply so true!!! And so scary. My Narc knows I know too much to engage him and he has left me alone. I have him blocked on social media and email but he hasn’t tried for a long time after a couple of hoovers that I thwarted- they were weak and lame and if I’m really honest-disappointing. I know he attached himself to another appliance after I told him I woukdnt marry him to get him back here. I’m so glad I had enough respect for myself not to do that- I certainly would have had I not come to see him for the taker that he is. That really ignited his fury and his quick launch into devaluation just further cemented my resolve to break free.
I do worry a tad about the sex Hoover. He ruined me there. That was his biggest hook…and how he knew that. He can’t get to me being a border away…but that mixture…and a sex Hoover …would be the most challenging test of my ️Healing. I pray I am not tested…or if I ever am…I slap him silly…and walk away without a word.
Yes…I still want to feel the sting of his cheek and his skin under my nails for the callous and fraudulent way he abused my goodness. Today I don’t feel like seeing it through the Higher lens.
Glad you have found it insightful Bethany. It is interesting that you found his Hoover attempts disappointing, did you think you were worth more and that he would fight harder to suck you back in? Perhaps you might post a review?
That’s a very interesting response HG.
It seems you are always looking for means to acquire fuel. When I read that those of your kind are worse than heroin addicts I couldn’t believe it. It’s actually true isn’t it?
I have no wish to offend you in any way, but it also seems your sole purpose in life is the acquisition of said fuel.
I am really struggling to comprehend such an existence but am grateful for the lesson…..
Mike
No offence taken Mike, yes fuel is the rule. It is as simple as that.
HG
I am now reading your book “Fuel”
Its fascinating.
Hi Mike, glad you think so.
Look forwars to see what HG says to you as I have the same situation. He represents no dangers to me except telling me that I am destructive and unstable for having destroyed what we had. And jealous also because in order to have arguments to end the relationship I also told him all his flirting in the shops and restaurants was not acceptable. He was surprised I had not mentioned this before. I cant tell him about this blog and neither that I grew up with an extremely charming and handsome father who charmed every single woman that crossed his way. In fact my dad was so charming that evertime we flew to USA for vacations of course we flew economy as a family of 5 so he would go and check if there were empty seats in 1st class and if yes target I suppose the most empathic stewardess and he would always end up in 1st class.
At the end of the flight he would meet us already outside the plane and give us all the chocolates and cookies he had collected for us. Such a charming father I had, so for me all this flirting was normal!!!! I grew up observing how people admired him for his charm. In my mind this was okay.
Learning that this is not normal I of course did not learn in HG school but at codependcy group.
I did tell my ex all about codependency and the forum.. He thinks its all bullshit.
Anyway I am looking forward to HGs answer. Weve not had contact since he left but I suppose somewhen he will comeback from his worldtrip
Thank you Nikita, I had hoped I was not the only who felt this way. Thank you for expressing your thoughts on this as well. You have an advantage in the behaviour of your father and your N being unaware of this information. I am sure he thought you were oblivious to the flirting and such and would ignore, if you noticed it. Good for you. Mine was similar as yours. It was all fuel for them. The more the better.
Will you keep no contact on your end, until he makes contact with you. Or will you ignore his attempts to contact and Hoover? I see the exchange of the fuel he receives from my responding to his contact, is less then the peace of mind I receive in saying what I need to say to him to release him and myself. It is scale that needs to be balanced.
Sending you lots of love Nikita, I always feel much In The things you post.
Hi karaa
Thanks for answering 😃. I do like and feel similarities with your comments.
As to your question, I will for sure not comtact him. As for responding to contact one day I will have to as he still has many things of his property here… But Ill stick to this subject and thats it. Will not allow any type of conversation.
I sometimes put myself in his shoes and wonder what he thinks because at the end if we leave out all the Narc theory, I did finish a relationship which was in a nice period. In normal circumstances I would have not reasons to end it like I did. Only knowing what I know gives and gave me the basis to do it.
When I write about it, it breaks my heart, I can feel it still… The pain.
Sorry but I cant write about it anymore.. Its too sad. Since the posting the pain has come back… I know for sure something and it is that i would never go back to any kind of relatonship with him. Even friendship I would avoid and it breaks my heart… I know Narcs dont love but it breaks my heart because on how he clinged to me. ” Dont leave me, please dont 😢😢. ” ” what did I so wrong that you treat me like this ? ” I saw how he fought to hide the fury and for very few times i saw sadness and sometimes despair, for a short period of time… back to hidden fury, and sometimes numbness.. Really nothing. In fact most of time it was mainly a void what he reflected during those days and days of discussion before I started hidding.
You understand Karaa I dont want to write about this anymore….
Hugs.
I am sorry Nikita, then best you do talk about it or write about the idea any more, lot help finish the pain you feel in some way. I find it easier to address it and understand it . But, we are all different as much as we are similar and the only right way, is the one we use for ourselves ❤️
The. You know what you must and need to do to heal, that once his property is removed then so will he be for you, I hope. Yes, there is no chance to rekindle what we had, as it wasn’t even real. That isn’t an option for me either. I just want to end it for my closure the way I want it done. But I won’t push it to get that. I will wait. It doesn’t matter to me, he is not the man I loved anymore, even though I still feel love inside me for him. I am not in love with him anymore, that part has died. That was the vital part of love for me..the definitive part.
He was a ghost, he didn’t exist really. He was just here in the form he took.
Much love to you and I know you will heal and your kind heart will help others heal as well. Thank you for reply, even though it was difficult.
HG, I bought NO Contact today, will read it after I get through several other books on the go now. Including another of your books 😊 I bought it to be armed for further potential narcs that might be lurking in the shadows : I do not feel it is applicable to my current situation. As I have been thinking on this a fair amount of Late. Based on the knowledge I have of him and his pattern of behaviour, that he will not contact me or Hoover me. You obviously disagree based on your writings. But, I am aware that when wounded he either lashes out or retreats inward. He has not lashed out at me, in quite some time. As well, he had not done so prior to this current silent treatment. On the contrary, prior to the last silent treatment, he doted upon me, being most affectionate and giving to me. Their was no anger between us at all. No valid reason for him to retract or punish me or deprive himself of my so called delicious fuel. So, all this is contradictory to what you suggest is the norm.
The concept of no contact I believe is essentially valid In the cases of narcs, who are determined to destroy their victims, by any means possible, such as humiliation, financial ruin, slander, physical violence, destruction of property and harassment. Then no contact needs to be instated for ones own personal safety. That deprivation of the provision of fuel is essential to the appliances well being. But, In the case of a vulnerable narc, who unlike yourself, is not malignant. I see little value in no contact, when one is seeking to understand or accept their behaviour or provide oneself with some form of closure. Unless to be rid of them permanently.
In my case, contacting my narc, would not be detrimental to my well being, just pointless. As he either replies or he does not. And knowing his patterns of behaviour he will not respond to me. But, instead he will only reply on his own terms and when he chooses. Both are exclusive of the other. My actions, have no bearing on his. I could send him a Hundred messages and the reaction from him Will be the same. No reaction. He institutes silent treatment as a means of his own escape, to gather fuel elsewhere or to punish me for some perceived slight to his ego or both. If he misses me, he will not express it till he determines it is right time. Two days, one week or three months.
No contact application doesn’t seem to be applicable to me right now, with him. It only serves to disallow me that which I seek, information, understanding and closure. To say, he will only continue to lie is an invalid reasoning to me. Again, pattern of behaviour suggests, once confronted by factual evidence he will indeed ” confess” his misdoings to me. So it is only in the potential to keep channels of communication open in some facet that I receive that which I seek. I am patient. The wait is worth the information to me. The time waited , is inconsequential to me. If it will allow me to communicate my understanding and acceptance of what he is, to him at any point in time.
Then, I am free to move on. I am fully aware he doesn’t need my acceptance or understanding and no doubt doesn’t want it either, but I need to give it. As that is who I am.
I will eagerly await your advisement. If you can provide reasoning as to why NC in my situation is necessary, I will happily entertain such.
I do find much value in your book though, why I bought it. As I am aware that it is integral in the awareness, knowledge and distinction of any future narcs. Btw, I haven’t had any contact with him since I messaged him mid January, and have had no response or Hoover at all. I will let you know once read what stands out most to me in the book.
HG
Purchased the no contact book today.
It’s very very good. Am 50% the way through it.
It looks like I am doing all the right things.
Thanks.
Mike.
Finished reading late last night. Masterful as always. My Narc is no where near as evolved as you (except at being cruel during devalue). At best I may get some texting Hoover attempts, but sadly I don’t think I was ever a shiny enough appliance to put any Grand Hoover attempts too. So I should have a fairly easy time staying quiet and going no contact.
Thank you for all of your writings and coaching! It’s life changing!
No one except you HG could tell us how to do the hardest battle of all…
Seriously vital information.
I’m normally an articulate woman but every piece I read I experience that shell shocked silence you like to whip up.
I did a lot of my NC all wrong – lol, I had my logical mind on autopilot guiding me through the implementation all the while my heart breaking and screaming at myself wanting to break it.
I begged God to give me the strength to remove him from my life and sure enough he was deported to another country unexpectedly.
His removal got me away from his “sphere of influence” which led to clarity about the relationshit.
But the Ever Presence. It’s not going anywhere anytime soon.
And oh how I wish I wouldn’t have put any time and energy into my farewell letter (s). Oh the fuel he surely will siphon from the pain and rage I threw at him.
We learn such awful…but necessary lessons.
Hello Bethany and thanks for your post. Seems like you had a lucky break with him being deported although of course technology will allow him to try and Hoover from afar. Yes the Ever Presence will always be there, over time it will diminish but for now you have to fight it and let it process out. Yes that farewell letter will have given him plenty of fuel but as you write at least you are learning.
Can’t wait. I’m going to save this one if I can. You’re just too damn moorish HG !!
I bought a Kindle copy last night via Amazon!!!…BUT- I didn’t want to peek….(we had the Presidential primary debates last night here in the US–5 narcs ALL competing for the same job had most Americans glued to our TV’s last night) HOWEVER, I am going to devour this book today…..We don’t have any patients scheduled…so I’m sure I will finish it by end of day!
Yay!!!❤️
@malignarc ever the player #firstpurchaser
Am I the #firstpurchaser? Is this message for me A?
Me being the first one is nothing more than letting you know how much I admire you.
Maybe I will have a little time to look at the book still today. My teenage daughter is so sick and in 40 min We have to decide If I take her to the emergeny at the hospital or not. So I will soon start reading.
Got it 😃😃 i am the first one!! I was reading manipulated when the notification of your tweet came up on my screen. 😃😃.
But I wont look until tomorrow or else Im awake until I dont know what hour… I love do much reading you.
Thank you and congratulations on most likely being the first purchaser!