The Volunteer

It is a recognised truth that we select you. We are able to sense the empathy flowing from you and our sights become locked on to you. We move in and through a combination of our experience at recognising your kind and our subtle and informed questioning we soon establish whether you will fulfil our needs and have that sweet, delicious fuel flowing for us. If the answer is yes, and invariably it is, we do not often get it wrong when we first target somebody,then all of our seductive and manipulative charm is deployed to ensnare you. The love-bombing begins and we soon bind you to us, wrapping our tendrils about you and holding you close as our claws sink into your flesh, our hooks drive deep into your soul and the fuel lines attach and thus the extraction begins. You can shoulder no blame when this happens. You are unlikely to know what one of us is. You see the warning signs but do not recognise them. The red flags flutter but you just think how beautiful they look. The klaxons blare but they cannot be heard above the noise of our silky, honeyed words which pour into your ears. You may be fortunate enough to have somebody in your support networks who knows exactly what we are. Nevertheless, their kind and thoughtful explanations never dissuade you. How can they when you are being made to feel like a queen? How can they when we are giving you everything that you ever wanted? How can they when your soul mate has appeared and gathered you close? You smile and nod and thank them for their concern but you dismiss it and especially when we tell you that they are to be ignored, he or she is only jealous of what we have, they want to cause trouble, I have seen it before believe me and of course you will always believe me. You are a sitting target.You anticipate nothing of what is to come and you cannot be blamed at all. You do not know what we are, our seduction is virtually impossible to resist and why would you want to spurn this opportunity of a lifetime. Your ensnaring is a given and you are blameless in that.

Yet after this when the glow of the golden period fades and what was once shiny becomes tarnished and dull, when those sweet words have become barbed and thorny, when the lustre has gone and the brilliance has been diverted to a more deserving appliance, this is when you become culpable. You are no fool. Although you cannot work out why we switch back and forth in the blink of an eye in our behaviour. Although you cannot fathom why we lie and lie and lie. Although you are unable to comprehend why we show such rank hypocrisy, crass contradiction and sheer contrariness, you know that you are being badly treated. You know our words are harsh and hurtful. You know that our disappearances are unwarranted and leave you upset and worried. You recognise that our repeated taking, our ignoring of your needs and our calculated and systematic tirades are abusive. Yes there is much of our behaviour during this devaluation that is insidious and purposefully so. Much of our manipulations continue without you really appreciating they are happening or their full effect but everyone knows that being shouted out and called names is abusive. Everyone knows that the broken promise to call you or meet you is unfair and unnecessary. You do recognise that our behaviour towards you is unpleasant and abusive. Yet, despite this recognition what do you do? You stay. You are picked up and put down, treated as the appliance that we see you are to be used when it suits us and pushed to one side when someone else proves of greater interest. You see this happen yet you put up with it. You know we flirt with other women and seem to have a string of relationships which have never quite finished somehow. You see how those other women are all vying for our time and you resent that. Notwithstanding how badly we treat you, you do not want them to be the recipients of the golden largesse you know that we are capable of. You want it. Thus you remain, trying to keep them at bay, fighting further battles with these other members of my coterie most likely unaware that this triangulation upon triangulation is all by design. You make excuses after excuse for our rotten behaviour. You trot these excuses out to your friends who look on with weary faces. You tell these excuses to yourself as you sit sobbing after another violent outburst. He is tired. He is stressed. He has a lot on at work. If I try harder I know I can help him. If I can just make him see what he is doing to me I know we can work things out. I just want to cure whatever ill it is that is eating away at him and making him someone he is not, I know deep down he is a good man, I have seen it with my own eyes. The excuses come thick and fast and frequent. You clothe the abuse in these excuses seeking to make the abhorrent behaviour seem more acceptable as you continue to hang on in there in the hope that today we will give you a dose of the golden period. Occasionally it will happen and you are elated. All is well in the world and you knew that your fortitude would bear a reward. Now everything will be fine again. Only you could achieve this, not those other harpies. Why do they hang around so much? What are they waiting for? You bask in the golden light only for it to soon fade once again. The cycle continues but you do not depart, you do not leave and instead you remain hoping that we will pick you and spend time with you. You hang on in there in the hope of picking the lucky ticket which means you experience our brilliance once again. You will do anything to gain our attention and our golden love again. You will sacrifice your self-esteem, your confidence, friends, family, job, money, looks and health just for the prospect of feeling that golden, delicious love once again. Just like a hopeless addict everything else will be given up for that fix of us. You know how bad we are for you yet you keep on staying. You cannot blame us for that. You cannot blame us for the fact that you become the willing volunteer.

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147 Comments

  1. Yes my N is an enormous lover of music, we shared exact same musical taste, I know that was real, it was beautiful. I truly felt him through music and I believe he truly felt me. I will never admit he faked that aspect of us. I believe he did love me too. As he knew how, even if he loved the fuel I gave him. It was how he loved. I know he knew I genuinely and deeply loved him and loved him best then anyone. I know he knew this deep inside.

  2. I fear knowing that I will know I am dying…but not death itself. The fear while be seeing it coming. I would prefer it came swiftly and then fear diminished. I would panic if I knew death was coming. Approach me from behind and clasp its hand upon my mouth and silently to sleep I shall go. I wouldn’t wish anyone else to see me die and keep that image through their life either. I do not fear not existing any longer or not being remembered , I fear on,y existing now opposed to truly living. Removing the shackles that contain me to move freely. Chain by chain, they do fall.
    Do you fear death, HG, I know you fear no longer existing….

      1. Interesting. I thought you would be terrified about dying. I had a friend who was an N but I suspect she had a little bit of BPD she was terrified of ceasing to exist.

  3. I was fascinated By the idea of star crossed love since I was a young girl, Now I know why, after many years, perhaps lifetimes.

  4. Yes, the building crescendo I feel it , the strings strummed inside me, more operatic, beautiful. It puts me in the ballroom, my head is spinning in a wonderous way. She is most lovely I agree, reminds me of Sarah bright an a bit, whom I think is utterly beautiful and heavenly creature. It makes me think of a version of the love theme of Romeo Juliet I once heard, it brought me to tears.
    Omg, that is undeniably perfection. Who cannot feel love whilst listening to such bliss.
    Nikita, herein lays, his light 😊

    1. OMG the link posted by HG is even more beautiful. Gave me goose bumps and felt tears coming. The actress impressively beautiful. True Karaa that is his bright side 😂😂🌕

      1. Yes, one can not be truly dark if he can apprciate such beautiful things. My N was not all dark, I saw much radiance in him too.

  5. Jean Michel jarre is brilliant I will check out the video you speak of, thank you ❤️ sorry HG, I must now post this song, as it stirs me immensely. It was purportedly written by Henry Vlll for Ann Boelyn ❤️
    Every time I listen, it haunts me like a memory from the past.
    http://youtu.be/N4rvcZMY37I

    1. Ah yes Alas my love you do me wrong. I recall the actress Amy Nuttall performed a version of Greensleeves which is more dramatic and sweeping than the version you have chosen in the link.

        1. I like how it begins, the strings add something akin to urgency to an otherwise drifting and ethereal song.

          Plus Ms Nuttall is rather easy on the eye as well.

  6. You both are very funny. karaa i dont have neither my funeral playlist, i just know Ive instructed my daughter to spread my ashes over the sea and I suppose the music will be the seagulls 😃 fluttering around. Because you never know when the day comes she know now what to do ☀️.
    I think HG by now you have built up a good legacy in having helped so many people clear up a very sad part of their lives, you also gave knowledge so that others can protec themselves from N harm.. Its a piece of work there I would say 😃😃. 👍🏻💋

      1. Yes of course HG still much work to do 😃😃!!! Just wanted to recognize your work until now!! To inspire you to do more work 😃. I also have my toolkit you know 😜😜

    1. Yes, Nikita, it is good to plan, it is difficult when we do not make preparations and the life can take so many twists and turns on us and then family is left not I know of our wishes. Your wish sounds lovely, to be scattered to the wind and sea….floating to another place, scattered In many directions or be reborn in many different forms of nature.
      There was a church I saw years ago, down an embankment, near the ocean, the cemetery plots stretching out to the ocean. When I saw it I could envision a happy resting place for those there. Utter calm, but with the potential for a tumultuous sea to intervene.
      I want to be buried, I do not wish to be cremated. I prefer to burn a la Dante. Plus, I hope to be resurrected long after burial during the very inevitable zombie apocalypse 😏although at that time I don’t think there will be much significant brain matter to consume, with everyone so technologically minded. I find cemeteries comforting, a place to be remembered , I often walk through them for their beauty and to talk to the dead. So that is where, I prefer to be laid to rest.
      I will chose certain treasures to be buried with me, not unlike the Egyptians. A book of poetry, Browning most likely, photos of my most beloved, Lily and a locket that contains something precious to me to find some one in the next realm. Obviously, if remarried at that time, my rings will still be on my fingers. And white roses clasped between my closed hands upon my breast. That is the image I wish to know. But as I said, I have not really thought about it much 😉

      1. Very Romantic Karaa. Such a cementary sounds okay 😃. Still I prefer not to be eaten by maggots ( what a subject we have brought up 😂😂). But either way I suppose its okay. Its just a dead body . I imagine death as something beautiful but I prefer also not to think about it… I still want to do many things and have many dreams to accomplish 😃 like my next diving trip to Malta 😃😃 or watch my kids become people of good ❤️.

          1. No HG not at all. I only wish I dont die in a hopital bed but I can die now or tomorrow its okay. No more waiting to meet my dad ❤️. I dont know why , im not afraid. I have concern for my kids. I hope I am allowed to live until they are independent but who knows and whatever its okay. It is like it is and Gods decision.
            I have also planned in summer a walk to some alpine lakes … 😜.
            Really from my heart I hope I can live at least 20 years more… those are my wishes when I talk to God but whatever he decides its okay. Besides you dont cease existing. You cease existing in your body but your souls is eternal and that life is supposed to be nicer than this one. And maybe even there is another life after death. I let you know if I die before you. Ill send you some kind of divine message 🙏🏻.

          2. HG dead people comminicate through songs or dream but because you are special, unique and one of a kind it can bectjst the toblerone message is aloud. So if there is a toblerone coming from nowhere, the message is that life in heaven rocks 😃

        1. I know, few opt for burial any longer, I simply do not like the thought of being burned, even though I will be deceased y then. Yes, sorry I did turn it morbid, again. I order to live in life too, I just think strangely at times. This is such time. Yes, I have a daughter too, Nikita xx

  7. HG moonlightshdow is also one of my favorite songs since I am a kid and Mike oldfield one of my favorites ❤️. One reason more to say the best music comes from Britain.