The Volunteer

It is a recognised truth that we select you. We are able to sense the empathy flowing from you and our sights become locked on to you. We move in and through a combination of our experience at recognising your kind and our subtle and informed questioning we soon establish whether you will fulfil our needs and have that sweet, delicious fuel flowing for us. If the answer is yes, and invariably it is, we do not often get it wrong when we first target somebody,then all of our seductive and manipulative charm is deployed to ensnare you. The love-bombing begins and we soon bind you to us, wrapping our tendrils about you and holding you close as our claws sink into your flesh, our hooks drive deep into your soul and the fuel lines attach and thus the extraction begins. You can shoulder no blame when this happens. You are unlikely to know what one of us is. You see the warning signs but do not recognise them. The red flags flutter but you just think how beautiful they look. The klaxons blare but they cannot be heard above the noise of our silky, honeyed words which pour into your ears. You may be fortunate enough to have somebody in your support networks who knows exactly what we are. Nevertheless, their kind and thoughtful explanations never dissuade you. How can they when you are being made to feel like a queen? How can they when we are giving you everything that you ever wanted? How can they when your soul mate has appeared and gathered you close? You smile and nod and thank them for their concern but you dismiss it and especially when we tell you that they are to be ignored, he or she is only jealous of what we have, they want to cause trouble, I have seen it before believe me and of course you will always believe me. You are a sitting target.You anticipate nothing of what is to come and you cannot be blamed at all. You do not know what we are, our seduction is virtually impossible to resist and why would you want to spurn this opportunity of a lifetime. Your ensnaring is a given and you are blameless in that.

Yet after this when the glow of the golden period fades and what was once shiny becomes tarnished and dull, when those sweet words have become barbed and thorny, when the lustre has gone and the brilliance has been diverted to a more deserving appliance, this is when you become culpable. You are no fool. Although you cannot work out why we switch back and forth in the blink of an eye in our behaviour. Although you cannot fathom why we lie and lie and lie. Although you are unable to comprehend why we show such rank hypocrisy, crass contradiction and sheer contrariness, you know that you are being badly treated. You know our words are harsh and hurtful. You know that our disappearances are unwarranted and leave you upset and worried. You recognise that our repeated taking, our ignoring of your needs and our calculated and systematic tirades are abusive. Yes there is much of our behaviour during this devaluation that is insidious and purposefully so. Much of our manipulations continue without you really appreciating they are happening or their full effect but everyone knows that being shouted out and called names is abusive. Everyone knows that the broken promise to call you or meet you is unfair and unnecessary. You do recognise that our behaviour towards you is unpleasant and abusive. Yet, despite this recognition what do you do? You stay. You are picked up and put down, treated as the appliance that we see you are to be used when it suits us and pushed to one side when someone else proves of greater interest. You see this happen yet you put up with it. You know we flirt with other women and seem to have a string of relationships which have never quite finished somehow. You see how those other women are all vying for our time and you resent that. Notwithstanding how badly we treat you, you do not want them to be the recipients of the golden largesse you know that we are capable of. You want it. Thus you remain, trying to keep them at bay, fighting further battles with these other members of my coterie most likely unaware that this triangulation upon triangulation is all by design. You make excuses after excuse for our rotten behaviour. You trot these excuses out to your friends who look on with weary faces. You tell these excuses to yourself as you sit sobbing after another violent outburst. He is tired. He is stressed. He has a lot on at work. If I try harder I know I can help him. If I can just make him see what he is doing to me I know we can work things out. I just want to cure whatever ill it is that is eating away at him and making him someone he is not, I know deep down he is a good man, I have seen it with my own eyes. The excuses come thick and fast and frequent. You clothe the abuse in these excuses seeking to make the abhorrent behaviour seem more acceptable as you continue to hang on in there in the hope that today we will give you a dose of the golden period. Occasionally it will happen and you are elated. All is well in the world and you knew that your fortitude would bear a reward. Now everything will be fine again. Only you could achieve this, not those other harpies. Why do they hang around so much? What are they waiting for? You bask in the golden light only for it to soon fade once again. The cycle continues but you do not depart, you do not leave and instead you remain hoping that we will pick you and spend time with you. You hang on in there in the hope of picking the lucky ticket which means you experience our brilliance once again. You will do anything to gain our attention and our golden love again. You will sacrifice your self-esteem, your confidence, friends, family, job, money, looks and health just for the prospect of feeling that golden, delicious love once again. Just like a hopeless addict everything else will be given up for that fix of us. You know how bad we are for you yet you keep on staying. You cannot blame us for that. You cannot blame us for the fact that you become the willing volunteer.



  1. Yes my N is an enormous lover of music, we shared exact same musical taste, I know that was real, it was beautiful. I truly felt him through music and I believe he truly felt me. I will never admit he faked that aspect of us. I believe he did love me too. As he knew how, even if he loved the fuel I gave him. It was how he loved. I know he knew I genuinely and deeply loved him and loved him best then anyone. I know he knew this deep inside.

  2. I fear knowing that I will know I am dying…but not death itself. The fear while be seeing it coming. I would prefer it came swiftly and then fear diminished. I would panic if I knew death was coming. Approach me from behind and clasp its hand upon my mouth and silently to sleep I shall go. I wouldn’t wish anyone else to see me die and keep that image through their life either. I do not fear not existing any longer or not being remembered , I fear on,y existing now opposed to truly living. Removing the shackles that contain me to move freely. Chain by chain, they do fall.
    Do you fear death, HG, I know you fear no longer existing….

      1. Interesting. I thought you would be terrified about dying. I had a friend who was an N but I suspect she had a little bit of BPD she was terrified of ceasing to exist.

  3. I was fascinated By the idea of star crossed love since I was a young girl, Now I know why, after many years, perhaps lifetimes.

  4. Yes, the building crescendo I feel it , the strings strummed inside me, more operatic, beautiful. It puts me in the ballroom, my head is spinning in a wonderous way. She is most lovely I agree, reminds me of Sarah bright an a bit, whom I think is utterly beautiful and heavenly creature. It makes me think of a version of the love theme of Romeo Juliet I once heard, it brought me to tears.
    Omg, that is undeniably perfection. Who cannot feel love whilst listening to such bliss.
    Nikita, herein lays, his light 😊

    1. OMG the link posted by HG is even more beautiful. Gave me goose bumps and felt tears coming. The actress impressively beautiful. True Karaa that is his bright side 😂😂🌕

      1. Yes, one can not be truly dark if he can apprciate such beautiful things. My N was not all dark, I saw much radiance in him too.

  5. Jean Michel jarre is brilliant I will check out the video you speak of, thank you ❤️ sorry HG, I must now post this song, as it stirs me immensely. It was purportedly written by Henry Vlll for Ann Boelyn ❤️
    Every time I listen, it haunts me like a memory from the past.

    1. Ah yes Alas my love you do me wrong. I recall the actress Amy Nuttall performed a version of Greensleeves which is more dramatic and sweeping than the version you have chosen in the link.

        1. I like how it begins, the strings add something akin to urgency to an otherwise drifting and ethereal song.

          Plus Ms Nuttall is rather easy on the eye as well.

  6. You both are very funny. karaa i dont have neither my funeral playlist, i just know Ive instructed my daughter to spread my ashes over the sea and I suppose the music will be the seagulls 😃 fluttering around. Because you never know when the day comes she know now what to do ☀️.
    I think HG by now you have built up a good legacy in having helped so many people clear up a very sad part of their lives, you also gave knowledge so that others can protec themselves from N harm.. Its a piece of work there I would say 😃😃. 👍🏻💋

      1. Yes of course HG still much work to do 😃😃!!! Just wanted to recognize your work until now!! To inspire you to do more work 😃. I also have my toolkit you know 😜😜

    1. Yes, Nikita, it is good to plan, it is difficult when we do not make preparations and the life can take so many twists and turns on us and then family is left not I know of our wishes. Your wish sounds lovely, to be scattered to the wind and sea….floating to another place, scattered In many directions or be reborn in many different forms of nature.
      There was a church I saw years ago, down an embankment, near the ocean, the cemetery plots stretching out to the ocean. When I saw it I could envision a happy resting place for those there. Utter calm, but with the potential for a tumultuous sea to intervene.
      I want to be buried, I do not wish to be cremated. I prefer to burn a la Dante. Plus, I hope to be resurrected long after burial during the very inevitable zombie apocalypse 😏although at that time I don’t think there will be much significant brain matter to consume, with everyone so technologically minded. I find cemeteries comforting, a place to be remembered , I often walk through them for their beauty and to talk to the dead. So that is where, I prefer to be laid to rest.
      I will chose certain treasures to be buried with me, not unlike the Egyptians. A book of poetry, Browning most likely, photos of my most beloved, Lily and a locket that contains something precious to me to find some one in the next realm. Obviously, if remarried at that time, my rings will still be on my fingers. And white roses clasped between my closed hands upon my breast. That is the image I wish to know. But as I said, I have not really thought about it much 😉

      1. Very Romantic Karaa. Such a cementary sounds okay 😃. Still I prefer not to be eaten by maggots ( what a subject we have brought up 😂😂). But either way I suppose its okay. Its just a dead body . I imagine death as something beautiful but I prefer also not to think about it… I still want to do many things and have many dreams to accomplish 😃 like my next diving trip to Malta 😃😃 or watch my kids become people of good ❤️.

          1. No HG not at all. I only wish I dont die in a hopital bed but I can die now or tomorrow its okay. No more waiting to meet my dad ❤️. I dont know why , im not afraid. I have concern for my kids. I hope I am allowed to live until they are independent but who knows and whatever its okay. It is like it is and Gods decision.
            I have also planned in summer a walk to some alpine lakes … 😜.
            Really from my heart I hope I can live at least 20 years more… those are my wishes when I talk to God but whatever he decides its okay. Besides you dont cease existing. You cease existing in your body but your souls is eternal and that life is supposed to be nicer than this one. And maybe even there is another life after death. I let you know if I die before you. Ill send you some kind of divine message 🙏🏻.

          2. HG dead people comminicate through songs or dream but because you are special, unique and one of a kind it can bectjst the toblerone message is aloud. So if there is a toblerone coming from nowhere, the message is that life in heaven rocks 😃

        1. I know, few opt for burial any longer, I simply do not like the thought of being burned, even though I will be deceased y then. Yes, sorry I did turn it morbid, again. I order to live in life too, I just think strangely at times. This is such time. Yes, I have a daughter too, Nikita xx

  7. HG moonlightshdow is also one of my favorite songs since I am a kid and Mike oldfield one of my favorites ❤️. One reason more to say the best music comes from Britain.

  8. I understand the meaning differently now then what I did before. But, I still love the song and how it makes me feel inside. I guess it is a most wonderful N song. Isn’t it? Probably not your musical cup of tea, either 😉

  9. HG, if you could choose one song to apply to the strongest emotion you have ever felt, whether from childhood to now, which one and why? One that consistently deeply resonates within you. One that fills that void or blank space. You have a defined love of music, so I know this exists in you too. Can you post it, all I ask. It not be a DM song, but go another avenue. Thank you, in advance of posting.

      1. That song evokes massive flood of emotion, powerful and protective emotions. I will Listen to it again. Here it is so others can partake as well. Such a brilliant song for always.

    1. The song you posted is about Syd Barrett who was in the original Pink Floyd line-up. He had a significant acid habit which is said to have changed him and this is Dave Gilmour singing about that change.

      1. Yes, Syd Barrett ❤️ even more handsome then Jim Morrison, I dare say. You are a veritable music trivia catalogue. It adds even more to the music. What about the Who song I posted. Do you know the background on that song. Music is salvation, don’t get jealous 😏

  10. I was thinking about music, what is one song readers would choose as a song that makes them feel the most when they listen to it. I know choosing one is difficult. For me too, I enjoy the happy In The sad. Sad songs make me feel happy. So many to choose from, this one just came my mind so will choose it. Often it is older songs, that do this for me.
    HG music must create a sense of emotion within you as well. Music universally touches people.

    1. I also dont like The Who But love pinfkloyd and Roger Waters and I believe the best groups ever come from GB 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼.
      Karaa bought the album of London Grammar today and listened part of the afternoon with no meetings. Cant get enough. Discovered metal and dust very nice song.. 😀 had not heard it before. Do you know it?
      This is my love song. Most of the songs that inspire me love mood are without words like this one.

      1. Yes, wonderful band, yay, you are like me you still buy actual hold in your hand music, I don’t download music. Pink Floyd are wonderful. I had huge Pete Townsend crush, he had something dangerous and sexy about him. My type in a man is unusual. Elvis Costello does it for me too.

          1. Omg, it is….bang on there. It is that sexy, nerdy come intellectual look that does me in. Swooning as I type.

          2. As an aside to my other blog question, regarding disassociation, an alter can have 20/20 vision, even if the host personality does not. The individual I previously referred to, had eight different personalities, ranging in gender and age, from 2 – 45..that was clue to the switching. When the glasses came off or went on, often times with out such clues, some. Alters can appear the same as the host, especially the protector alter and others close to them. Anyways, I got off topic. I have 20/20 vision as well, but there is no sight on my weapon and for that matter no weapon on me. Unless you count my wit😏

          3. While you are playing, try to get those answers to my questions, just insert them in casual as you sit down sporting you new glasses and when they ask a disturbing questioning from childhood, take them off and rub your temples.

          4. Indeed. Glasses and smoking, two ways of buying time while you think of an answer. Good job as non-smoking spectacle-free (in the glasses sense) gent I have my intellect to rely on.

          5. Yes correct smoking was another clue, when child alters came out lighters and cigarettes had to be hidden…

          6. Recall this is a serious disorder, have some fun, but do not make light of it, it may backfire and we will all send you letters at the Instutuon 😊

          7. Hairstyle, accent, clothing choice, scents, acquired new skills, the list is endless…..I often thought, if not for the terrible abuse suffered to create such a separation is personality to maintain structure and safety within. The concept of detaching form emotional experiences too painful for us to emotionally contend with would be useful. I often wish I could simply shut off sometimes. We all have defence mechanism we use to survive, same as a narcs…no one is exempt from taking care of their needs.

          8. Meaning, you will? Ha ha…okay, might is good enough. If you get results with your fun, they you may be more inclined to, correct ?

        1. Karaa yes we do seem to have the exact same taste in music 😃. I love some of the videos you have posted although I dont know them, seems good music.
          I do download alot of the music because then I have it with me all the time.
          On tje contrary to men, I did not know who the person you mentioned was and so I googled hil but i have to tell you he is not mine type at all 😖😖.
          I dont really have a type of man… But rather somebody casual and easygoing rather bohemian type like keanu Reeves or Javier Bardem.
          You know what I like a lot in man. When they are the type with enough facial hair and they let grow a 2 day beard. I think this is attractive. 😃

          1. Yes, I don’t like clean shaven men either, stubble and growth is sexy. Matthias Schoenarts, if I had a choice, but then I equally find Ricky Gervais sexy. Sexy to me is more with how a man makes me feel inside, then what he looks like. I haven’t a type really, but it appears am a type for men..must change that pronto …Hg books with hopefully change that for me and my future. No more manipulator sand love users. Tbh, I would rt
            At her not another love relationship, I would rather something based on purpose and realnes and honesty.
            Yes, we do share similar musical tastes 😀

        1. But of course karaa! Kitaro and Vangelis were my ultravorite 15 or 20 years ago. From Vangelis I think I even had tape cassettes remember the one who used to tangle up in the tape recorder and leave you in tears 😂😂😂. From Kitaro and Vangelis I have moved out to others in the same “genre” . Kitaro is a veery long time I dont listen to. From Vangelis the one I will hear maybe once every 2 or 3 years is chariots of fire. If I will hear it as a jingle I have to imediatly go to youtube and listen.
          Enya, lorena mckenit, and david lanz complete the list of my favorite music in my late 20 and 30. David lanz I will still listen to also every few years. Cristoforis dream and behind the waterfall punctually.
          jean Michel Jarre is still one of my favorite artists. In fact i still sometimes watch a concert he gave in Zermatt with a display of laser show for Swatch. They say its one of the best presentations he ever made.
          Watch in you tube if you ever feel like listening to JMJ. ❤️

          1. I am tried and true type, I love what I love , if I loved it from the beginning. Then I add others to the mix. Lorena a mckennitt is one of my favourites, too…two trees by Yeats and the lady of Shallott,by Tennyson one of favorite poems for its meaning in relation to my life and relationships and one of two poetical companions the upper realm.

      2. I use Enya as my go to calming music, the Sun in the Stream is one of my faves.but they are all fabulous. Not to sound morbid, but that is the song chosen for my funeral procession. It brings me a haunting sense of peacefulness and home.

          1. Excellent point, as you should. I don’t either by the way, the song struck me in that nature, it is more of a back burner Idea….no pun intended 😏

  11. This sings loudly as well:
    All sins can be absolved, if you believe….now so many can see clearly through your teachings HG.

    Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
    That saved a wretch like me,
    I once was lost but now am found,
    Was blind, but now, I see.

  12. Factory Records.
    Anthony H Wilson.
    New Order. A great band.
    Joy Division? A truly great band.
    Ian Curtis? A consummate co-dependant. It was his downfall….

  13. I am a huge New Order fan, this song is playing in my mind..
    ” I feel so extraordinary
    Something’s got a hold on me
    I get this feeling I’m in motion
    A sudden sense of liberty
    The chances are we’ve gone too far
    You took my time and you took my money
    Now I fear you’ve left me standing
    In a world that’s so demanding
    I used to think that the day would never come
    I’d see delight in the shade of the morning sun
    My morning sun is the drug that brings me near
    To the childhood I lost, replaced by fear
    I used to think that the day would never come
    That my life would depend on the morning sun”

        1. No a New Order fan would know that fac 183 is the catalogue number for the record True Faith. New Order detailed their releases as fac followed by a number. It is short for Factory Records the label that they were signed to.

          1. I am a fan, not a follower 😏 I admit I didn’t know that, I enjoy their music, but not as an religion. Thank you for that information, it was interesting.

  14. Three words keep running through my mind…..Cult of Personality. An individual who uses their charisma, charm, intellect and persuasive ways to infiltrate and indoctrinate others to their agenda of self.
    Here again, we have the concept of mirroring, where “followers” use reflection of self and see that which lies within them, in the person they worship. In doing so they can lose their own identity and become meshed with the “leader ” through his/ her skilled manipulation and exploitation. Whereas the “leader”, does not relate to the follower, but instead sees them as less and thusly not equal to themselves.

    The Idea of volunteering. Suggests that it is an individual’s choice to follow. But, instead the goal is to procreate the ideas of the “leader”. What the “leader” is selling his volunteers….knowledge, freedom through emotional and mental enslavement , exploitation and dependency.
    Those who resist the call to volunteer…..maintain freedom of thought, the ability to not submit to blind obedience and conformity. They remain individuals with the ability to rationalize the “evil” that intends to corrupt them. The need / compulsion to sell them their agenda. The desire to profit off the needs of the needy.
    This “leader”, is named Narcsisist, among other titles.
    The goal, is to steal your identity, your free thinking, ability to reason, your ability to love, desire to devotion…until you no longer resemble or recognize yourself. Brainwashing, if you will Into the agenda of the “leader”, adopted now as their own agenda.
    It is through phases such love bombing that the ” volunteer ” is indoctrinated, made to feel special, anointed, loved. It is through this consistent bombardment, the “volunteer” becomes addicted and attached to the N. This is manipulation. To manipulate the flow of fuel in a positive manner.
    Once addicted and isolated, the ” volunteer ” will then become devalued, where they are insulted, slighted, gas lighted, made to feel emotionally unstable based on the contradictions in affection or love the “leader” is now displaying towards them. To manipulate the flow of fuel in a potent negative manner.
    Once the ” volunteer ” begins to question the agenda of the “leader” by becoming aware of the exploitation, the manipulation, such as the lack of fidelity, the other women, the deceptions. The ” leader” determines their worth once again and their ability to appease and meet his needs. After which, ideally the “volunteer” has now become self aware and poses a threat to the “leaders” agenda, so they are duly discarded.

    Then the cycle repeats, with other volunteers and so on and so on and so on… is essentially brainwashing of vulnerable indivuals who maintain a certain set of values, why empaths are targeted so purposely. For their ability to blindly love and thusly follow in the name of that love. For trusting and accepting that the love given, is real.
    Can one “volunteer “if the true agenda of the “leader” is not known ?They can however willingly “follow ” at that time.
    They can, willingly Volunteer for a cause that they trust in and feel passionate about, such as their belief in love and compassion. The belief that they are being loved and held in esteem, by the “leader”then blind devotion, is established and so the cycle begins.
    Now examine the difference between : follower and admirer.

  15. HG – Do you ever believe that you can actually fall in love with one person? One whom you can grow old with, to take care of each other. Or do you believe that you are immortal?

    Sam Vaknin who is a NPD is married, and he says that it is a matter of culture that can allow certain Narcs to be married and content with it. He admits that he loves only how he knows love to be. His wife is a submissive, and he seems to be fond of her.

    Also, do you believe in his theory of the Madonna/Whore complex? Where you will have a greater fondness of the Madonna (though sexually she is not to be degraded) or the Whore (the one who will give in to your whim of sexual fantasy, allowing you to do whatever you feel with her, and other women)

    I guess my wonder is: Do you ever WANT to feel as if you won’t need fuel from multiple women, but rather have one constant that you can learn and grow from at a humane level, while deriving fuel from other means (i.e., I assume your blogs and books as well as your fans provide some time of fuel)?

    My Father claimed to finally fall in love in mid age (early 50) to a woman half his age. I attribute this to the emotional intelligence he possesses. An intellectual charmer, he seemed quite juvenile in his behaviors toward intimacy of any kind. I believe he was moreso enamored by her looks and her intelligence (he claimed she was smary, but after speaking to her she was nothing short of something that seemed to smoke peyote to believe she was ‘deep’ at an intellectual level)

    Anyway – do you prefer to try to heal, grow, and find someone who can be a person that you can rely on, and conversely you can rely on as well? Or is it always going to be that you will feel disappointed when she becomes mundane (healthy and normal) not supplying butterflies and unicorns when you first meet. Is this a part of your treatment? To understand the concept of psychological abuse against women to torment their souls and rely on you forever since they’ve become jaded.

    Or do you hope to realize that although astute and intelligent, you might want to experience vulnerability and trust. Putting faith in the fact that someone will never hurt or harm you, but have your best interest at heart?

    You seem rounded. I just wonder if you ever want to change. It wouldn’t minimize your impact. It would make you someone who didn’t damage or ruin another’s spirit. Is there no redemption in this feeling?


    1. Our concept of love is different to yours, so yes I believe in it.

      With regards to the Madonna/Whore Complex I have written about this in Sex and the Narcissist.

      It would be ideal just to have one appliance provide fuel but they always let us down and it is too risky to rely on that appliance alone. Plus it is comparatively easy to draw fuel from supplementary forces as for the most part (in maintaining the façade) we usually draw positive fuel from them which is easier to extract than negative.
      Yes it is part of my treatment to understand why I am let down and whether anything can be done about it. Do I want to change? I do not see any reason to but I have been willing to undergo treatment and I know that is aimed at addressing and altering some of my behaviours so inherently (even though it may be because of a larger stick hanging over me) I am able to entertain the notion of change even if I see not reason for it. It may be the case the good doctors show me an alternative way of behaving and living my life and then I have a decision to make. It is evident though there is much work to be done yet – their words, not mine.

      1. Many doctors theorize that Narcissism is nurture vs nature. I believe that it is both.

        Honestly speaking, I am not quite sure when this began for you, your treatment, but it’s amazing to me that when you write, there are so many things that I said to my ExN that you state yourself. He once told me that he was my Science Project and wishes I would stop telling him about why he does certain things (I’d tell him he enjoyed women of a lower calibur in order to fix them so that they could fixate on him, and that because I didn’t need much fixing – as far as education, finance, appearances, etc. that he hated me for it because I wouldn’t kiss the ground he walked on. He’d become so irate, which is why I believed when my discard(s) came they were filled with ugly statements about me)

        As for altering behavior, I believe that the area they are probably most concerned with is the disregard for the pain you cause. You justify it by saying that your appliances let you down. I guess this is where the ‘Hopeless Romantic’ in you takes over and you choose to use wrath vs communication to say “this won’t help us grow”. When a woman has a need that doesn’t fit your life agenda you are resentful, hence it’s a let down. I wish I could live in your mind for a day so I knew what this felt like. And vice-versa. Treatment would probably be unnecessary, if so.

        Whatever placed you in treatment, at least you continue to attend. Whether mandated or voluntary, it might one day put things into some perspective. This is where genetics come in. I guess its why our type and your type fit so well.

        I’d hate to see women fall in love and then hurt where they can no longer love again. It’s only one life – to live in pain for a remainder of it due to one person’s slight is powerful – yet damaging. Because of my experience I have no desire to date men, though I am asked out often. I am no longer receptive to believing anyone. Maybe one day. But it’s doubtful. I hope to love myself again, because I was taught since birth to be ashamed of me – for being a woman.

        Wishing you a good Sunday. Thank you for the insight. – S

      2. HG i really cross my fingers for you on this one and I think also all the readers, that you somehow can change your behavior and mindset to a sustainable one meaning not have to abuse people to get fuel, or even better not needing fuel anymore to mantain the beast under control. That you can settle down with one person in a nurturing relationship where the type if love you can give becomes a real one. I cross my fingers. You have helped so many people with this blog that the ” correct” result of all this would be that you also find a way to hope and a better life. ❤️💋

  16. Mine did an excellent job for a relatively long period of time keeping up the lovebombing…I also would break things off each and every time he did anything unacceptable…lying to myself that I was in control and teaching him how to be a decent human. Oh yes, there were so many red flags…but I swept them away because of his sustained lovebombing campaign. He really seemed so in to me while at the same time I heard a whisper inside my soul saying he would be entertained by any warm body.

    Forgiving myself is harder than forgiving him. Yep, I was a willing volunteer.

  17. Regarding YouTube videos , wouldn’t a narcissist want the notoriety of having his face on display for the public…as you stated previously with your books, not everyone will be privy or want to partake in the information , especially if not relevant to their own lives. Those who have had their lives effected by Narcsisist will and certainly those whom you know who haven’t a clue that you are narc wouldn’t be watching anyways.
    But. If you for some reason you wouldn’t want your face seen, then it would be best to perhaps avoid such a medium. This blog and in your books, you have that unburst bubble of anonymity. It is more of safe comfort zone of expression.

  18. As always a great posting. Agree with the above you are the best real deal!!
    I also agree with you that its not your fault at all. Like Ross R says it takes two to Tango. Thanks God with blogs like this one people can get the knowledge necessary to walk away and heal.
    Im advancing in reading No Contact 😃

  19. Who in their right mind would volunteer though? All of us were caught unaware and blinded and entranced by the beauty of the love we were receiving.
    After the lie has been revealed, the mask has been removed and the love has been defiled. Then enters the question period, the doubt of self and the need to heal, in which ever manner soothes us most.
    This is bang on, as usual to what we received and how we felt during the bedazzled and ultimate beguiled phases of engagement.
    I do not blame him, I only seek to understand.

  20. I agree… It is the knowledge and understanding of both sides that is so amazing and intriguing to me.. Great writing as always, and such a great healing tool…

  21. Btw. H G
    You are most definitely the real deal. No one else would get it like you do. Granted you are a worksmith, but it’s the understanding of both sides that amazes me. Cold empathy certainly has it’s uses, and certain can never be accused of lacking vision.

  22. Excellent! It is everything that I know and recognize … It’s good to be reminded and educated, again and again, until it sinks into the soul, and there is not a shred of doubt left… Thanks again!

  23. No,
    We cannot blame you. we too had no choice really.
    It was all meant to be.
    You are the bringer of our deep wounds.
    If we are connected to ourselves enough we can see the beauty in the gift you carry for us.
    God save us from continualy playing the victim.
    This is why any smugness this day is only temporal.
    There is no future with the narc but there is acknowledgement of what they have shown us if we have the eyes to see.

    Off topic yet again HG, but what do you think of all the narc recovery teachers on YouTube etc?
    Particularly Melanie Tonia Evans?

    1. I have nothing to do with them. They walk a different path to me. I am not a healer although I understand how people use my directness to assist their healing but I cannot tell someone how to heal because I do not have the capability. I recognise the name of M T Evans, I think another commenter may have mentioned her before. No doubt many people find the narc recovery teachers helpful. I have been considering doing some YouTube work of my own but it whether time allows. So much fuel to gather you see !

      1. Thanks HG.
        I was interested as to your perspective.
        I like MTE.
        No you are not a healer but you are a teacher whom precipitates healing.
        Oh YouTube! You got to do it.
        Loads of fuel there. Loads!!

      2. Hi there H G
        Youtube?!. Wouldn’t that alert your current “private” world and it’s many inhabitants to your end game.
        I’m intrigued to know what you had considered for it.

        That may be hard to maintain anonymity H G, if you were to do so in person. Others seeking anonymity do so via altering their voice and not appearing via webcam.
        Social media is indeed a source of every variation of fuel. It may alter the chess board game of life, a little more, I guess.
        Naturally, I’d be a subscriber… Ever the attentive student. 😊

      3. HG have you heard about Sam’s cold empathy? Can somebody be charming and have cold empathy? I cant imagine Sam V being charming…
        So not all of your kind are charming apparently, some have cold empathy or is it the same? Charming in a narcissist is called cold empathy? Im confused

    2. I Love Melanie – a ‘Thriver not a survivor’ I still need to plug in to HG daily to always remind of what is still lurking behind me but try the NARP programme – it is soooo good xx

      1. Thanks Mandy.
        Been narping nearly seven months now. I like Melanie too!
        Quit the forums though.
        Love the modules. Don’t do so many now.
        Spartan Life Ciach as well.
        I just wanted HG’s take on it all.

  24. I used to blame your kind HG but neither of us are to blame at all. We becam what we have both become in order to withstand and survive a damaged childhood due to inadequate caregivers. The difference between us is that I have insight and will take personal responsibility for my recovery, and I have been told I can indeed recover from my co-dependancy. You on the other hand cannot, and I feel only sorrow for you that you have been robbed of a deep and meaningful life – a REAL life. Very very sad.

    1. Hi HG! These are my thoughts on my personal journey that I believe led me here to this place.. Thank you for allowing me to share them. It’s so WONDERFUL and LIBERATING to have your “INSIDER” experience that you illustrated so perfectly personally here! So honestly and concisely! And BRUTALLY!! There is None like you!! Truth telling Narcissist! A modern miracle! :D As for the wonderful You-Tubers that have helped me survive these past 3 God awful years and ALLL the books tapes and studies going back 27 years of searching for answers prior to my discovery of the Name, “Narcissism” (w Sam V. being the ONLY “insider”. Until now!! We ALL owe him the credit and gratitude for writing the lingo on it and breaking it down!) However, all BUT Sam could only GUESS, speculate, offer thier points of views from their perspectives from “another” side.. About YOUR SIDE!! So I always was left unsatisfied and uncertain, wondering, “How do “They” KNOW for sure?” My Bible always told me the spot on truth! Still never validated by my narcs before!! This is delicious! I LOVE TRUTH! THAT I CAN WORK WITH!!! So with ALL the various teachers I was still left guessing, wondering, hoping, guilt tripping, pining, grieving , stewing, splitting, spiraling down and “DRAINING” over you people!! And your hoovering and gas lighting! :@ (I have been sick for 22 years with many illnesses and have fought many many battles for my health as a result of Narc abuse!) Lost 1/2 my 20’s ALL my 30’s and now my 40’s to illness and ongoing lifelong abuse! Again, There is NONE like YOU!! FINALLY CONFESSIONS from your personal arena of the “boundary lines” of personal responsibility AND MOTIVES that make you “YOU”! or a narc a “Narc”! and ALL the dynamics you describe so vividly AND, the perspectives that can ONLY be provided from INSIDE of a Narcs darkness that dragged us all in there with you unaware (AT FIRST) !! Yes! Running and trying to keep up with you shape-shifters is a mind blowing experience from Hell!! This TRUTH is liberating for us!! Thank you!! You just held my personal hand with this PERFECT illustration and walked me BACK in a FLASH to ALL those places and said, YES Heather! It’s TRUE! It’s EXACTLY what you thought, and you SHOULD FEEL OUTRAGED or ALARMED, or HURT, or FRIGHTENED or HORRIFIED or CRUSHED and WARNED to REPENT!!! .. (Change direction quick!) (Jesus is here with us to! So don’t get me wrong that I think YOU are my savior!) :D However, because of your awesome gifts given to you by GOD ALMIGHTY and YOUR WILLINGNESS to TELL THE TRUTH!! I/WE FINALLY GET TO FEEL ALL the FEELINGS that I KNOW I was NEVER ALLOWED to FEEL as a normal healthy human would during the actual horrific events!!!! It’s HUGE!!! One by one you are holding my hand and taking me BACK to those places where confusion was spinning my head around and around til I was drilling DOWN into the ground and into another black hole experience! One after another after another… I get to FEEL the PROPER RIGHTEOUS and APPROPRIATE FEELINGS FOR THE FIRST TIME!!’ WITH VALIDATION!! Priceless reflections!! I HATED “Them” for blaming MEEEE!!! >:@ I held on to each one LONG after I was AWARE of what I was dealing with! JUST like you wrote here! Over and over for 48 years I have been emerced into your kind!! Living in your kingdom.. . Took ME 17 years to find a safe church that wasn’t under your spell.. I’m drawn to you.. Blinded by “your love”.. “Familiar” with your spirit like the word actually means.. My “Family” feel.. Still knowing my God is the KING of KINGS and the LORD of LORDS and that HE ADOPTED ME into HIS FAMILY (and yet I still feel orphaned much of the time here on this planet because of “THIS”). HE is NOT and NEVER WILL be what ANY 1 person here now or people or family or church or government are except THE 1 PERSON of Jesus Christ! That personal knowledge of Him saved me from blaming God! I TRIED to SAVE THEM ALL from that BEAST within!! FOR Christ! And FOR HIM! Or FOR HER! At MY EXPENSE! Heather the Martyr! Heather the scapegoat. Heather the punching bag… I KNEW “IT” was INSIDE there holding the human parts of YOU hostage by CHOICE!! I didn’t realize it’s been holding ME hostage by MY choice!! :@ Now that the “others” are out of my hair, (for now).. Can I PLEASE ask you to elaborate more about “them” and your prisoner? Meaning, these demons that DRIVE you? And the scared little boy dying in the cellar? I recognize many.. I, me, Heather, STILL actually BELIEVES that your God given gifts of compassion, remorse, conscience, humility, HUMANITY, YOUR ETERNAL SOUL “wrapped in a small child”, and “in your mind”, are also the SAME to YOU as the DESPISED vulnerabilities/weaknesses in your body and heart and soul along with a Weakened/crippled WILL to FIGHT to TRULY LIVE and LOVE through faith and courage are ALL HIDING in a dank dark cellar wracked with miseries! Deep in the darkest dungeon, deep inside a guarded castle made of cold hard stone has been a beaten down into a crippled soul, malnourished to starving, TERRIFIED, SELF PITYING, IMPENDING DOOM, BRAINWASHED, BEATEN, HATED and SHAMED person!! (Soul) Those parts are pushed down deeper with every ounce of “fuel” you can find to feed “that stupid beast!! I see the various guards and the walls. I know many of their names!! The Guards AND the bricks each have names and the various dwellers alike! ALL DEFENSIVE ultimately in nature no matter how OFFENSIVE or CHARMING they may seem to be!! . I see the moat slithering with snakes and the ARMIES around your castle walls and the Dragon! It’s ALWAYS DARK!! I am locked away in a remote isolated dungeon much of the time by the SAME demons that drive you! They USE YOU to put me in prison after prison.. but when I remember who I am and WHOS I am I want to be Gods KNIGHT that slays Narc dragons! “FOR JESUS”!!! For YOU, for HIM, FOR HER.. I was losing MY OWN soul/identity and life trying! NOW I SEE I AM NOT THE SAVIOR EITHER!! :@ We BOTH are GUILTY!! Neither of us are GOD!!! Both try to take HIS place!! Thanks to HIM and YOUR HONESTY AND of course let’s not forget the 48 years of human torture to my SELF and the pain and the suffered consequences and many devastations and heart shattering catastrophes!! And the Word of GOD and the confessions of TRUTH coming out of YOU, HG, about the LIES as we walk back through all of those times together like we just did here and times like this, now, automatically IS holding hands with Jesus as well because HE is ALWAYS WITH ME! :D HE IS the TRUTH. HE IS the WAY AND THE TRUTH and the LIFE!! PRIDE BLINDS us all!! So when You take me back to those places, to visit and observe we are ALL going together! :D Just so you know! Even when I was following Narc’s around like crazy, going crazy, Jesus never left me.. He never goes crazy.! :D He is the Same yesterday, today and forever! Yay! He loves US so much as to give us FREEDOM to go OFF the path but He never left me. I took Him in when He knocked at my door as a child and He promised to NEVER leave me no matter what!! Thank God for His Word because I am lost without Him! I’d be dead a long time ago! See.. He already told me the Truth about YOUR kind and I believe Him! I needed to see the Truth about ME!! He actually called me a silly simpleton for letting your kind worm your way in through my misguided desires.. 2 Timothy 3. The TRUTH about OURSELVES is what is SETTING THE CAPTIVES FREE!! He is with me now and then and always, and forever! I will NEVER give up on that prisoner that YOU are keeping sick and weak and denied of LOVE!! Whether it’s the one in YOU or the one in ME my dear Narcissist… Although I will do it from a place of prayer FAR AWAY from you!! :D Jesus unlocked ALL the prison doors to set the captives free! ALL of THEM!!! He has led me here to your writings to SEE IT, FEEL IT, KNOW IT, UNDERSTAND IT, WRITE to IT AND TO VALIDATE THE REALITY of IT for myself and anyone else that understands this ponce and for all! Point by crazy point!! And free myself from it!! And you ROCK for DOING THIS!!!! ITS AMAZING!! PLEASE!! Tell us more about the pitiful little guy in the dungeon and what these TORMENTERS do to make sure HE NEVER COMES OUT!! Or grows or sees the light of day or feels the warmth of comfort safety and trust? Or sorrow.. What are they doing to him? Does he ever FEEL something for a split second, a pang maybe? Does he then get beaten back down and denied? Or is he ignored and denied altogether when you feel his pain or fears? Like your kind does to Us!!!!??? The ACTIONS of this inner torment is taken out on US and that is WHY you are projecting YOUR SHAME and GUILT and ALL the rest onto us! To beat him back down! Right? So you can feel the power of the “transfer” of darkness and the sucking of our light? It’s crazy! You have saved me from the need to go back to “them” for these answers!! I’m so GRATEFUL for you and all the people here that have taken me a million miles down the road to sanity in just the week since I found you! All DURING A FINAL BRUTAL DISCARD!! You TOTALLY speak my language experientially to a T!! This is my chance to finally have my Interview with a Vampire!! I love your BRUTAL HONESTY!! And the insight of your readers! It’s the medicine we need to expel these SOUL SUCKING DEMONS from our lives!!!! I think you are wrong about negative/positive power strengths. In these last days I think that causing a depressed person to feel better is ALOT harder to achieve and more powerful than making a smiling person frown! That’s easy! It’s easy to make someone sick! What you are doing here is hard I am sure! And you are helping to make us well! It’s harder, but more powerful! THIS IS MORE REAL than any physical place filled with humans in the flesh that I have ever been! Try to make a phony person REAL! THAT POWER is Found in the Truth, the WHOLE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH! Even then the choice can only be made by the individuals who CLING to it and WALK IN IT! Thank you for the TRUTH about ME!! About YOU! About US!!

      1. Thank you Heather, I feel an almost irresistible desire to holler “Amen” at the end of your evangelical exhortation!
        Brutal honesty is often the only way the message can be delivered.

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