Going Out? Let’s Go to War!

We do not like you to socialise without us. Why would you want to be anywhere other than by our side marvelling at how brilliant we are? Why on earth would you want to spend time with someone who is clearly inferior to us? What are you up to by going out with someone else? You are clearly being disloyal and that does not please us. Moreover, you are not providing us with any fuel by asserting some form of independence and that is a terrible and selfish thing for you to do. We do not like you to spend time with other people since we fear that they exert some malign influence over you. We know they will be trying to undermine us in your eyes and turn you against us. We know it is because they are jealous of what we have together and rather than be pleased for you, they are smearing my good name. You want to listen to them as well, otherwise why would you be going? Our careful and structured control of you, our calculated isolation of you, all stand to be damaged by your socialising with those who we have not control over. We tried but for some reasons there are two or three of your friends who proved immune to our charm. I should feel sorry for them since they are selfish, bitter and twisted, but I don’t feel sorry for them because I don’t feel sorry do I, only for myself. I want you with me, where I can keep an eye on you and control you. I want you here where you are supplying me with fuel. This is your rightful place and by organising to go out for your meal with these friends you are telling me that I am not good enough to spend time with. You are criticising me and that wounds me. I have to stop you wounding me. I have to stop you going. I have to maintain the upper hand. Thus because of your selfish behaviour the Battle of Going Out is joined.

“You never said that you were going out,” I begin as I see you getting ready in the bathroom. You halt applying your make-up and turn to me.

“Yes I did, I told you last week and again this morning.”

“No you didn’t.”

“Yes I did, I remember.”

“No you did not. I would have remembered if you had told me,” I answer.

” I put it on the calendar.” You walk to the kitchen and return holding a calendar with the words ‘Girls meal out – Leonardos’.

“See?” you ask and jab a finger at the words.

“That? I thought that was referring to your nieces, not you, you never said.”

“Seriously? Come on, why would my nieces be going to Leonardo’s on their own?” you ask.

“You’ve just written that in when you were fetching the calendar. Look, the ink is still dry.”

You sigh in exasperation.

“I told you about it, it is in the calendar. I have not been out in weeks.”

“Well neither have I,” I comment.

“What? You were out last Friday,” you answer voice rising.

“That was with work.”

“It was still going out,” you reply.

“That is not the same. You know I have to schmooze clients, it is hardly pleasure. I have to do that for business reasons so I think you are being unfair by saying that is a night out for me.”

“Those clients you were out with are your friends, it was a right piss up.”

“Oh sorry, I forgot, you were there weren’t you, you know all about how I conduct my business don’t you?” I declare.

“No I don’t but they are your friends.”

“So I am not allowed to have clients who are friends now am I? Jesus, why don’t you just stop me from having any friends at all eh? Why not stop me going anywhere? You would like that wouldn’t you? Just having me stuck in here all the time.”

“What are you talking about, I let you do as you please.”

“No you don’t. You are determined to keep me on a leash. My friends take the piss out of me for how little time I get to spend with them.”

You halt your application of the lipstick.

“Who has said that?”

“Several people. Jim, Richard and John. They say I am under the thumb.”

“Huh, they have a cheek, Jim is completely under the thumb of Jessica.”

“No he’s not, but you just change the subject why don’t you. You should be staying in with me you never want to do that anymore.”

“Don’t be silly, I am with you most of the time. Look it is just an informal meal with a few of my friends, it is no big deal.”

“If it is not important then why do you have to go?”

“Because I want to,” you answer.

“Where are you going?”

“You know that Leonardo’s.”

“Really? Who with?”

“Jane, Sarah, Mary and Stephanie, oh and Carrie.”

“I don’t believe you, you have just made that up.”

“What? No I haven’t.”

“You are meeting a man aren’t you? Come on who is it?”

“No you are being stupid.”

“Don’t call me stupid. I am not the one going out and leaving their other half on their own,” I begin to shout and you jolt at the sudden change in volume.

“You are up to something, you have a different perfume on. Who is he?”

“Seriously, you are paranoid, I am meeting the girls.”

“No I am not, who do you think you are saying that to me, you are messing around. I know you are. You have been acting strangely the last few weeks. I know you are. Admit it,” I move towards you and stand over you barking into your face. You back away, eyes widening fearfully.

“I haven’t, honestly, I haven’t.”

“I should let you go anyway you whore, I don’t know I bother with you. I was planning a pleasant evening in for us. I was going to cook you your favourite and I have a delicious bottle of Chablis chilling but as usual you are being selfish.”

“Please don’t shout at me, I am just going out with my friends, I am allowed to have some friends aren’t I?”

“Not those harpies, they have it in for me, I hate them. I hate you.”

“Oh please don’t be like that, look I will be back by ten at the latest so we can still have some time together,” you suggest.

“Is that supposed to make me feel pleased? Why would I want to spend time with you, you slut. I see, you want to have your way with him and then rub it in my face. You are such a bitch.”

You have backed away from my tirade, wincing with each bellowed sentence. This allows me to snatch up your clutch bag.

“You can’t go out with no keys and no money,” I say holding the bag aloft.

“Please I only want to see my friends, I rarely see them as it is, please give me my bag back, why are you being so horrible?”

“Because you are cheating on me. I am not having you spend our money on some other man.”

“There is no other man, how many times do I have to tell you? Please let me go.”

“No. You are not going. You are staying here with me.”

“I can’t cancel, not this late,” you say in dejection.

“Of course you can. He does not matter.”

“There is no he. It is the girls.”

“So you say. You are not going. If you do that is me and you finished.”

“What, just because I want to see my friends?” You slump on to the bed, shoulders hunched and your head in your hands.

“You don’t need them, you have got me.”

“Why does it always have to be like this, every time I try and do something you do this,” you protest and your voice breaks with the first sob of frustration.

“No I don’t stop trying to blame me when you are at fault,” I growl.

“You always do this, make feel guilty or do something to stop me going out.”

“Rubbish, you are making things up again. You are just trying to make me feel bad for you. It won’t work you know that.”

You begin crying as I stand power surging through me.

“Here,” I order as I pull your phone from your bag and throw it down on the bed besides you, ” ring them and tell them you can’t make it, say you don’t feel well or something. I will pour the Chablis.”

Still sobbing you fumble for the phone and pick it up before dialling the number. I stand triumphant drinking deep of the fuel you have given me during this exchange. I have won the battle once again and this time I did not even have to escalate it like I did last time. I suppose that was just as well really seeing as how you had only just replaced those mirrors I smashed.

Advertisements

Knowing Your Narcissist

One of my readers, K, has kindly compiled a short survey concerning your experiences with the narcissist you became entangled with. It is entirely anonymous and I would encourage you to complete it as K will collate and present the acquired responses in due course which no doubt will make interesting reading for you all. Where you have been involved with more than one narcissist I suggest you choose the narcissist which will enable you to answer the survey in the fullest way possible. Thank you in advance of your co-operation and thank you to K for compiling the survey. The link  to the survey is below. Over to you.

https://www.surveymonkey.co.uk/r/HB5ZX5Y

Surely He Meant Some of It?

 

 

 

When we cast you aside in our callous manner and leave you despairing and devastated in the dirt, the smouldering ruins of the fabricated world now laid bare and razed to the ground, all around you, you will spend many hours dissecting, analysing and reviewing what has happened. The questions that form as a consequence of our magnificent seduction, our brutal abuse and our reckless discard come thick, fast and often. Did he love me? How could he have treated me this way? How did the happiness turn so sour and so quickly? Is he with someone else? How will he treat her? What if she makes him happy? How could he treat me like this after everything that I have done? How does he sleep at night? How can he look at himself in the mirror? Has he done this to other people? Maybe his ex-wife was right about him and tried to warn me? Did I do something wrong? Did I bring it on myself? What if I had tried harder to please him? Why did he not say he was unhappy with me, I would have done something about it? Why won’t he speak to me? Will I ever see him again?  What have I done to deserve this? Was he ever happy? Why was he so angry? Surely he meant some of it?

This last question is the refuge of the deluded. A place where you attempt to gain some solace and relief from the wounds that you still bear after becoming entangled with us. You look to any shred that may give you some comfort from the hurt, some piece of the jigsaw that will make everything click into place and some consolation that he really did love something about you and he showed that to you. You might seize upon all those times you and I attended those classical music concerts, when we sat holding hands and listen to the philharmonic orchestra as they played Rimsky-Korsakov’s Scherezade. You remember looking across and smiling at how content I looked. I certainly seemed to be enjoying the performance and indeed I spoke about it in glowing terms in the bar afterwards. I may have enjoyed the performance and appreciated the skill and dedication of the musicians but I enjoyed more making you think that this was something I really enjoyed so that you poured admiration and positive fuel my way.

How about the excitement I exhibited when you organised for us to attend a wine tasting course led by that television personality? That must have been true appreciation of what you had organised for me. I appreciated how you had committed such a loving gesture and fuelled me as I became excited at the prospect of showing off in front of the other attendees about my knowledge of wine and outshining the personality. That is what motivated me.

You look back through the love letters, the elegant copper plate handwriting which conveyed such deep and heartfelt emotions. The words were so moving and now as you re-read them the tears form in your eyes as the memory of hearing me reading to them cuts through you. Surely I must have meant those words, they are so passionate and meaningful. I meant those words as a way to gain more fuel from you, to make you want me all the more and your tearful appreciation made me feel powerful and fuelled as I read to you.

You recall your favourite restaurant and the numerous times that I took you there. Surely I enjoyed that? I always complimented the chef and on several times I booked it as a surprise. I found the food mediocre but your reaction to knowing that you were going there and your gushing appreciation when we dined at this restaurant meant that enduring the bland cuisine and irritating maitre’d was entirely worth it.

How about then the times we danced cheek to cheek to Sade or Dido. You felt so close to me then and hadn’t I said that I felt as if time had stood still and the rest of the world had melted away. Surely I must have meant that? Not so, I hated those artists and I wiled away the tedious minutes drinking in your fuel and plotting my further machinations.

There are occasions when we do certain things for you, or behave in a certain way, or do things with you which may coincide with things that we like. I will admit that, but to say that we loved them and to say that we loved them because of you is erroneous. What we loved more than anything was the fuel that you provided to us as a consequence of your reaction to dining at that restaurant, or dancing cheek to cheek or attending the basketball together. The outings with friends, the gardening together, the sex, the holding hands, the playing of computer games, the films, the television shows and on and on, all of it was love because of the fuel you gave when we did those things together and you deemed them to be special. It was the fuel. You may delude yourself and feel free to do so, it will just make hoovering you at a later stage easier. Convince yourself some of it was real. Convince yourself that some of it was worthwhile and not wasted. That is your choice and one which makes you all the more susceptible to me sinking my teeth into you again and drawing yet more fuel from you. So, when you ask yourself yet again that surely he meant some of it when I did as I did and said as I said, you know the answer is that the only thing I meant was that I loved the fuel you gave me.

 

 

Completely Contrariwise

Contrariwise,’ continued Tweedledee, ‘if it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn’t, it ain’t. That’s logic.”

Makes perfect sense to me but I should imagine it will not to you. Welcome to the logic of my world. The penchant that our kind and me exhibit for telling you that black is white and when you eventually agree (and you will no matter how ridiculous this may appear) we will tell you that it was black all along. Or orange. Or azure.

Our ability to deploy contrariwise must rank amongst one of the most confusing, infuriating and draining manipulative techniques that we possess. Well, judging by your reactions when we wheel this out it is. In all honesty, it is used so often it may as well be a default setting. No matter what you say to us we will automatically adopt a contrary position even if that contrary position appears to you as untenable and that it flies in the face of logic. We will always find ways of undermining, denying and deflecting what you are saying to us, most particularly if you are trying to make us look bad, prove we are wrong or you are challenging us in some way. We cannot allow those things to happen. We have a number of standard phrases that we will use in furtherance of this ability.

“Why must you always exaggerate?”

“No, I have never done that.”

“You are over-reacting. Again.”

“I think you will find that you are being sensitive, I did not mean it the way you are interpreting it.”

“You always look at it the wrong way.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Your memory is playing tricks on you.”

“You/he/she/the world is making things up.”

“If you say so but you have got it wrong.”

“I never do that.”

“You always have to make a scene don’t you?”

Do any of these sound familiar to you? Our capacity to be presented with evidence of something and then in the next breath deny the existence of that evidence is staggering. We will reject what you say, deny we ever said anything (even though we actually said it just ten minutes ago) and twist our position so many times we appear to turn into a corkscrew.

Why do we do this? It serves three purposes. The first is because we are never wrong then we must never be shown to be wrong. You seem to have a fascination for trying to demonstrate to us that we are wrong about the things we say and do. That is a nonsense. We cannot be wrong and you must accept that. Our use of contrariwise enables us to ensure that we remain right and you remain wrong. It is entirely logical to us. If it is not so to you then that is your problem. You wanted to come into our world so now you must accept its rules. Do not try and argue that you did not agree to this. When you embraced our illusion you consented to this state of affairs. Do not try and deny that it is the case otherwise we will just have to provide you with some more contrariwise.

The second reason that we do this is that we have to have you in a state of confusion. This means that being a creature of order and logic you will try and make sense of our contrariwise which will merely serve to put your head in a spin. Furthermore, you cannot help yourself but want to show us that we are wrong. You cannot accept that we are unable to see the point that you are making. That is entirely the point. You are subjected to our rules now and logic, reason and sense rode out of town many moons ago. This confusion will leave you susceptible to our other manipulations and drain you of your resistance and resolve making it harder for you to escape our grip.

The third reason is down to our lifeblood, yes fuel. Your evident frustration, curses and desperation as you try to make us see that we are wrong provides us with delicious dollops of fuel. You tear your hair out, repeat yourself, raise your voice and collapse sobbing in frustration. It is all good fuel to us. No matter if you argued the point with the forensic precision of a top barrister we would twist the words so they achieve what we want and not what you want. To borrow from Lewis Carrol’s fantastic writing I leave you with the words of humpty dumpty, who was clearly a pioneer of our kind.

“When I use a word it means just what I choose it to mean.”

Vote for Me!

 

Ladies and gentlemen, good and decent people, people just like me only less so, I have come to deliver a message to you. I am here to save you. That’s right. I have been sent by God almighty to save you, save this country and make you both great again. I am on a mission. I am on a quest. I was chosen by the only power higher than myself to seize the destiny of this once great country of ours and turn it around. For too long this country has been in the grip of the do-gooders, the liberals and the pinkos. They want to see the values which this country is known world-wide for, crushed and obliterated. I will no longer allow that to happen. When I am in power I will root out those who have opposed us and I shall see that they account for their treasonable activities. They hide behind the right to free speech but listen to me ladies and gentlemen, I say they forfeited that right to free speech when they promoted the destruction of the values that you and I hold dear. I know that all of you gathered here today, who have come to listen to me, have done so because you believe in me. You need me to guide you through the danger and to the promised land and believe me ladies and gentlemen, I am the only one who can do that. Nobody else has the presence of mind, focussed ambition, singularity of purpose and the indefatigable spirit to do what others shirk from. Others may talk of hard decisions to be made and the risks of trampling on the less fortunate in a rush to secure victory. They say this to promote fear amongst you because they want to control you with fear. They want to make you scared so that you will adhere to what they require. They want you nervous and weak so you will submit. Not I. I have no need to instil fear in you good people in order to have you believe in me. You believe in me because I love you. I love you and all the things you value and hold dear because I value them too. I want what you want. I am what you want. I was sent to save you from the forces of darkness that lurk at our borders and have begun to infiltrate this once great land of ours. Do not be concerned ladies and gentlemen because together we will defeat them. When I am in power, anybody that speaks out against me and our nation will be removed. Yes, you heard me right. We will send them back. They may have come here with good intentions but where are those good intentions now? Exactly. Their mealy-mouthed pronouncements have turned to dust and instead they have the audacity to speak ill of you and I. We do not need these people in our nation. They serve no purpose and we shall cast them aside and discard them like the wrapper on a Twinkie. They have made themselves disposable and dispose of them we shall. I shall be ruthless. There will be no pussyfooting around. No delays. No dilatory approach. I will root out these traitors, these betrayers of our largesse, these abusers of our hospitality and generosity and I shall send them back where they came from. Back to insignifighan and the people’s republic of meaningless. We do not need them and we will not tolerate them. And yes, ladies and gentlemen, if they think they can come back I will stop them. I will build a huge wall along our border and they will not cross it. Even better, I will make them pay for it so your money is used for me and not them. Only I have the determination and ability to deliver because I am more than them. I am better than them.

Where these foul interlopers seek to disrupt our way of life, I call on your good people to cut them down. The time for tolerance has gone. They lost that right when they let us down. They lost that right when they criticised us. This is not the time for indecision. This is the time for you and I to work together and repel these people. I will tell you who they are. I will organise a campaign so that the foul characters of these individuals will be assassinated and we shall bring them down. I need you to do this for me, for you and for our country. Do not be concerned with the repercussions as I will cover your costs of taking such action on my behalf and in my name. I will direct you and stand with you as we drive out the lefties, the namby-pamby types and the woolly liberals. There is no place for them in our new order. Do not be concerned either with the other candidates who tell such brazen lies about me. They are governed by envy, by jealousy and by blind hatred. I will trump them. I will rise above them because they wish, deep down, they could be me. They envy my sense of purpose, my ability to speak to all right-minded people and gain their trust. I love you. I truly do and I will always protect you, act in your interests and ensure that you do not come to harm.

I know what needs to be done. I have been sent by God to walk amongst you and be your god, guiding you ever onwards as we strive with goodness in our hearts and wisdom in our minds to do the right thing. Some people think that doing the right thing is a hard thing to do. Nonsense! I do the right thing all the time because I am special and talented. It takes someone of my ability to achieve what is best for you and our country, but I will do it. All I ask from you is your commitment to our cause, your undivided loyalty and your appreciation and admiration for what I will do for you when I rule this country. Place your trust and your belief in me ladies and gentlemen. I am the answer. Vote for me as your ruler, Vote Narc and I will make the United States of Me mean something again to the rest of the world.

 

The Ignominy of Injury

I would never hurt an animal, not intentionally. I am an expert marksman but I would never shoot a live animal. I am not fond of animals, I have never kept a pet and I never will. Caring for or hurting an animal has no interest for me. I should imagine that has taken a few of you by surprise. I should imagine that you saw the picture of this fox with his cast and thought, “This is where he shows more of his sadism by revealing that he tortured guinea pigs when he was child or shot at birds in the garden with an air rifle.” I am pleased to disappoint you. That never happened. I am well aware that hurting animals may be a sign of no conscience but it does not follow that a lack of conscience means that you will hurt animals. I know that certain individuals obtain an emotional gratification by hurting an animal as this is about exhibiting the ultimate control. I regard those that engage in that type of behaviour as low-functioning epsilon semi-morons. An animal cannot answer you back, it cannot tell you things or say the wrong thing. I do think that animals display certain self-centred narcissistic tendencies, feed me, wash me, stroke me, play with me, walk me, clean my living space and so on. They require a lot of attention and that is why I cannot countenance ever having one as a pet. I suspect that is the reason why I have never hurt one.

No, my ire exists for the wounded creature, the pathetic person that is weak. I do not like babies because they are weak and absorb attention away from me. I do not like the elderly, they are weak and they absorb attention away from me with all the help they need. I also want no reminder of how mortality fades and they are the spectres hovering at the end, reminding us that the reaper’s scythe is nearing. I not like the ill, they are weak and they absorb attention away from me. I think you are getting the picture now. I know you empathic people reach out to these people and that society dictates that these groups should be cared for. That does not resonate with me. They infuriate me. I would rather they disappeared and did not distract from my purpose. Should they come within my reach they find themselves subjected to my irritation and displeasure which results in me lashing out  with acidic tongue and savage words at them in order to exhibit my annoyance. I know you regard that as wrong but I am just being honest. It is what I feel. Now you know why my kind ditches you for a younger model, pays no interest to the birth of our child and why our kind always vanishes when you are ill or injured and in need of care. We have no desire to be reminded of weakness, not when it threatens us from inside on a daily basis.

I Want You

Now I have your attention with my statement above, I can elaborate. Of course I want you. That goes without saying, but as with everything I say, the comment above is not quite the whole picture and I need something more from you. I would like your input

. I am preparing a publication which addresses, from the depths of the narcissist mind, those questions which are frequently asked by people who have done the dance with us, remain locked in that dance who did it some time ago and wish to warn others. I am looking for you to provide questions that you want answered and those which you think other people, similar to your goodselves, will want answered by someone like me. Some may seem obvious to you and not to others so do not diminish the value in your suggestions. It may seem obscure but no doubt, given the similarity in the way we behave, someone else will want to know the answer to your question too. Your questions should be generic so they apply to the situations of others rather than you tell me about a specific scenario personal to you and then your question appertains to that scenario. By all means, feel free to provide context and no, I won’t be including the question why are you all such bastards. Do provide your suggestions in the comments or if you feel shy you can PM me on the Facebook page. Thank you in advance of your contributions and the best ones will be included in the publication with a credit so do say if you wish to remain anonymous or select a pseuedonym (if you have not already done so). I look forward to reading your suggestions.

Golden Opportunity

 

Failure creates opportunity. It creates the opportunity for you to learn. We know however that sitting you down and explaining your failure to you is far too easy. That will not lead to a correction in your behaviour and neither will it provide us with what we need. A quiet word in your ear, a gentle touch, the whisper of blame and the suggestion of reparation will not serve either of us. You must be punished for your failure and in doing so I create an opportunity for you to learn from that failure and in turn I grant you absolution. I must confess that I dole out the savage sanctions for your transgressions to serve my purposes but happily there is a benefit for you as well. The negative fuel which I extract from you as a consequence of the chastisement which I visit upon you is entirely necessary. I must have it for if I do not I run the risk of being destroyed and this world needs people like me. We are the achievers, the creators and the builders who act with clarity of purpose, absolute vision and without the blurring nature and hampering effects of the emotional baggage which hinders others. We are needed to succeed, create industries, entertain the masses, achieve sporting perfection, compose the sublime, paint the ethereal and shine. Without us the world would be a lesser place and that is why we must always exist. Your part in this does not go uncredited. If it were not for you and your kind then I would not receive the fuel, both positive and negative which is required in order for me to exist and fulfil my purpose. I need you. I may not like to admit that fact but it is a recognised one. I need your fuel and in return I provide you with a period of brilliance and then a period of correction to allow you to recognise the error of your ways. I cannot just tell you what you have done wrong, that would be too easy and you would not become a better person if the way forward was made too easy for you. The harshness of my teaching, the horror of my manipulations and the savage lectures are all for your own good. It is only through such stern and disciplined admonishments that you will begin to understand and then you will find absolution. You will eventually, although the lessons may take some considerable time, years in numerous instances, come to understand what your role is. Not only will you understand your role but you will willingly accept that position as a sacrifice which you much make for the greater good. By acknowledging your role in submitting to us you will find absolution. You will begin to realise that the sacrifices you have made, of your self-worth, your confidence and your self-esteem have been worthwhile because they have helped fuel me and thus you have allowed me to exist. Consider that, you are central to the existence of one such as I. You prove to be an integral part in enabling me to exist and function and in turn it is through your involvement that I am able to bring my brilliance to bear on the world. Such an involvement should be welcome by you and you ought to give thanks for being allowed to contribute, to participate and to be involved in this manner. You, through me, are able to create a lasting legacy. True, you must ensure considerable hardship in fulfilling this role but in doing so you become a better person, a worthwhile person and a useful person. Through the correction that I shall administer to you, you will suffer but then when has anything that has been worth doing been easy and pain-free? Never. I share that pain. Do you think it is easy having to garner fuel each and every day? Do you think it is easy leading, guiding and forging a new path, always moving forward? No, we all have our crosses to bear and mine is heavier than most, but I exhibit the fortitude and determination that I know you possess in order to ensure that you realise your true potential.

I chose you because I knew that you would ultimately do the right thing. I knew you would provide me with what I needed. I hoped that it would always be good but I also recognised that even if you failed me in that aspect of your role I could count on you to endure the hardship and the denigration because you wanted to help me, you wanted to realise the role which I secured for you. You wanted to succeed just as I have wanted you to succeed. I am a harsh taskmaster but you brought it on yourself. You failed and therefore you must be punished for this aberration, yet through this failure you can redeem yourself. You can exhibit your true worth and make amends for your failings, your shortcomings and your betrayal. I know you can do this because that is why I chose you. I know you can do this because I can see it in you. I know you can do this because I will make you, no matter what and against whatever odd, achieve this. I only have your best interests at heart, even if my tongue and fists may seem to tell you to the contrary.

You will not like me because I am hard but it is this hardness which means that you will learn much from me. You will realise your potential and you will always strive, driven on by me, with my encouragement, harsh as it may seem, to achieve that is right for me, for the world and ultimately through that you will achieve your absolution.


 

Eye Spy Sanctuary

When I first meet you and I look into your eyes I find a certain sanctuary. Your optimistic eyes seem like paradise to me. I can see the hope, the desire and the adoration burning in your eyes. Be they brown, blue, green or grey I can see the promise of salvation. That is why I try so hard to win you over. I apply everything I can think of to ensure that you stay with me so I can gaze deep into your eyes and drink the delight, trust and admiration that flows from them. You have no idea how much I need to see those things. The more I show you love, affection and how interested I am in you, the greater the radiance that shines towards me and the sanctuary that you have created for me remains in place. It surrounds and protects me, keeping the pain and the hurt at bay. It is a simple formula; I shower you with affection and attention and you return to me that magical protection in the form of how you look at me. The admiring glance across the restaurant table, the wide-eyed desire when we are in bed together, the simmering passion as I undress you and the sheer adoration as you quicken your pace to cross a room or a road to meet me. I need that place of safety and respite. A sanctuary where I know that the whispering, taunting voices will be silenced. A place of salvation where that cold-fingered dread cannot grip my throat and silence my scream of terror. Those draining shades that manifest from a past which I try to consign into oblivion cannot reach me in this place. That is what I hope for and believe every time somebody new enters my life. If I can just keep you sending me the power and the protection arising from those magnificent eyes then I will be safe. I apply my every effort to maintaining that gaze which will keep the darkness and the foul creatures lurking amongst it at bay. Everything I do is geared around making you feel happy, loved and wanted so that you will keep looking at me in that way and preserving my sanctuary.

Yet, no matter how hard I try, notwithstanding every effort I apply to maintaining your state of joy and happiness, you let me down. Each time someone new appears I am given renewed hope that this time the sanctuary will be permanently preserved and each time you fail me. Why do you do this to me when I try so damn hard for you? The burning admiration that you exhibited towards me suddenly dims. The adoration that blazed across the room has lost its intensity. The shining lustre of desire has become dulled. You do this to me and in so doing you turn the key of the gates, lift the heavy bar and push them open. You do this on purpose don’t you? You breach the citadel so that the screeching, moaning and howling tormentors that have gathered beyond its walls are admitted to assault me once again as they try to pull me into the abyss of insanity. The craven creatures slither forward, their mucus-covered tendrils slipping and sliding as they seek me out, determined to coil about me and drag me silent with terror into that place I must not go. Why do you do this to me? What have I done to deserve this treatment? All I have ever done is love you with a perfect love to cause you to generate that sanctuary and now, with no warning or help, you allow the paradise to be violated by those that seek to harm me.

I am left with no option but to fight them. To muster my strength and seek to defeat these agents of darkness by gathering my rage and anger. I must lash out in all directions, often and without restraint in order to stop my tormentors from destroying me. It matters not who is caught up in this frenzy, it is incidental whether you or anyone else finds themselves collateral damage from my necessary defence of my being. I fight and fight and fight, it is exhausting but it must be done. I have to survive until the next promise of sanctuary is identified and drifts my way. There I will find peace and a place to restore my waning strength. Is it you? Perhaps this time the sanctuary will remain intact.

Equal Rights

 

 

People regard my kind as creatures of prejudice because of the way that we treat people, but that is not prejudicial treatment because we regard everyone in an equal manner. We regard everyone that we engage with and interact with as an appliance, an appliance that has the function of providing us with fuel. If I stand in a crowded bar, I do not see a white lady, a black man, a fat man or a short-haired woman. I do not see a heavily tattooed man or a skimpily-dressed lady. Yes, I notice their physical appearance, I hear what is being said and how people behave, I have to do this in order to identify the traits (or their absence) in people in order to determine their suitability as a target, but ultimately what I regard all those people as, is their potential to be an appliance to me supplying fuel. Accordingly, the lady ordering a Cosmopolitan has the potential from how I see what she wears and the manner in which she is speaking, to be a high yielding appliance. The man sat to my right who is commandeering the conversation between him and a group of other people is likely to be a low yielding appliance. As I move through the bar, as I listen and as I engage, the status of those appliances can alter as I learn more about the person concerned. All I am interested in is the potential and the capacity that this person has to provide me with fuel. I regard each and every person in the same way. I assess their suitability. Some I soon realise will provide me with next to no fuel and therefore I have no further interest in them. I cannot dither and waste my time remaining in the presence of someone who can serve me with no purpose. That is a waste of my energies and furthermore risks losing the more productive appliances which may even now be heading for the exit before I have had the time to assess them and engage with them.

I do not care for your views other than whether they exhibit an alignment with the traits which I hold dear. Your outlook on life is irrelevant except where it demonstrates to me that you have certain characteristics which will make you an ideal source of fuel for me. I am only interested in those attributes which will serve a purpose for me. Will you be a good and faithful appliance or are you not worth bothering with? That is the primary concern. Yes, I have regard to whether you are someone who might supply certain characteristics which I can purloin for my own use as additions to my construct. Yes, I may consider the fact that you are particularly good at cooking as something that will benefit me, but these considerations always remain second to the issue of what fuel you can provide to me. If you happen to be wealthy but your capacity for the provision of fuel is miniscule then I will certainly not consider you for the position as my primary source. There may be a role for you as a tertiary source, possibly a secondary but not as my primary source. Fuel and your role in it is all that matters. I approach this assessment of your usefulness without bias or preconceptions. I apply an open mind to the consideration of whether someone will provide a useful role in the provision of fuel for me. Yet, for all of this demonstration of a fair-minded approach I am still regarded as somehow despicable. I must hunt down fuel and then consume it. Much like a lion on the plains, he must hunt down food and consume it. He is a carnivore and the other beasts that wander the plains are his prey and yet nobody criticises him as he stalks that buffalo and brings it down before devouring it. He knows no other way than to hunt in this manner and neither do we. We look on everyone in the same way. Irrespective of race, religion, nationality, gender or sexuality, we consider how you can provide fuel to us, whether it will be of the appropriate quality, how often you will do so and how reliable you will be in carrying out this function. This is what we think about when we see you. Yes, we may think that you are attractive but our attraction to you is not based on how beautiful or how handsome you may look. Instead, our attraction is based on whether your physical attractiveness will make us look good and whether you are compatible with us in terms of the provision of fuel. The somatic of our kin will ascribe such physical attractiveness to a potential for the provision of fuel whereas the victim narcissist is far less likely to do so. Our judgements are not based on how you look, how stunning you might be or that you may be regarded as unfortunately-faced, but instead we are much more concerned with whether that will confirm the existence of one or more of the criteria that means you will prove to be an excellent fuel source. That is what matters to us. Other people, not of our kind, make prejudicial judgements often about the people they deal with, much of it on a subconscious level. They may consider somebody who has a particular accent to be regarded as untrustworthy, or someone who hails from a particular country as having a leaning towards violence. They may judge an overweight person to be lazy and a very thin person to have issues concerning control. The human races capacity for judging people is legendary and has been the basis of much turmoil and conflict through the ages. We do not subscribe to such views. We judge you on one thing and one thing alone; how good an appliance you will make in the provision of fuel to us. In that respect we afford you all with an equal opportunity to become our primary source and in that regard we behave with a nobility that many others do not.