Going Out? Let’s Go to War!

We do not like you to socialise without us. Why would you want to be anywhere other than by our side marvelling at how brilliant we are? Why on earth would you want to spend time with someone who is clearly inferior to us? What are you up to by going out with someone else? You are clearly being disloyal and that does not please us. Moreover, you are not providing us with any fuel by asserting some form of independence and that is a terrible and selfish thing for you to do. We do not like you to spend time with other people since we fear that they exert some malign influence over you. We know they will be trying to undermine us in your eyes and turn you against us. We know it is because they are jealous of what we have together and rather than be pleased for you, they are smearing my good name. You want to listen to them as well, otherwise why would you be going? Our careful and structured control of you, our calculated isolation of you, all stand to be damaged by your socialising with those who we have not control over. We tried but for some reasons there are two or three of your friends who proved immune to our charm. I should feel sorry for them since they are selfish, bitter and twisted, but I don’t feel sorry for them because I don’t feel sorry do I, only for myself. I want you with me, where I can keep an eye on you and control you. I want you here where you are supplying me with fuel. This is your rightful place and by organising to go out for your meal with these friends you are telling me that I am not good enough to spend time with. You are criticising me and that wounds me. I have to stop you wounding me. I have to stop you going. I have to maintain the upper hand. Thus because of your selfish behaviour the Battle of Going Out is joined.

“You never said that you were going out,” I begin as I see you getting ready in the bathroom. You halt applying your make-up and turn to me.

“Yes I did, I told you last week and again this morning.”

“No you didn’t.”

“Yes I did, I remember.”

“No you did not. I would have remembered if you had told me,” I answer.

” I put it on the calendar.” You walk to the kitchen and return holding a calendar with the words ‘Girls meal out – Leonardos’.

“See?” you ask and jab a finger at the words.

“That? I thought that was referring to your nieces, not you, you never said.”

“Seriously? Come on, why would my nieces be going to Leonardo’s on their own?” you ask.

“You’ve just written that in when you were fetching the calendar. Look, the ink is still dry.”

You sigh in exasperation.

“I told you about it, it is in the calendar. I have not been out in weeks.”

“Well neither have I,” I comment.

“What? You were out last Friday,” you answer voice rising.

“That was with work.”

“It was still going out,” you reply.

“That is not the same. You know I have to schmooze clients, it is hardly pleasure. I have to do that for business reasons so I think you are being unfair by saying that is a night out for me.”

“Those clients you were out with are your friends, it was a right piss up.”

“Oh sorry, I forgot, you were there weren’t you, you know all about how I conduct my business don’t you?” I declare.

“No I don’t but they are your friends.”

“So I am not allowed to have clients who are friends now am I? Jesus, why don’t you just stop me from having any friends at all eh? Why not stop me going anywhere? You would like that wouldn’t you? Just having me stuck in here all the time.”

“What are you talking about, I let you do as you please.”

“No you don’t. You are determined to keep me on a leash. My friends take the piss out of me for how little time I get to spend with them.”

You halt your application of the lipstick.

“Who has said that?”

“Several people. Jim, Richard and John. They say I am under the thumb.”

“Huh, they have a cheek, Jim is completely under the thumb of Jessica.”

“No he’s not, but you just change the subject why don’t you. You should be staying in with me you never want to do that anymore.”

“Don’t be silly, I am with you most of the time. Look it is just an informal meal with a few of my friends, it is no big deal.”

“If it is not important then why do you have to go?”

“Because I want to,” you answer.

“Where are you going?”

“You know that Leonardo’s.”

“Really? Who with?”

“Jane, Sarah, Mary and Stephanie, oh and Carrie.”

“I don’t believe you, you have just made that up.”

“What? No I haven’t.”

“You are meeting a man aren’t you? Come on who is it?”

“No you are being stupid.”

“Don’t call me stupid. I am not the one going out and leaving their other half on their own,” I begin to shout and you jolt at the sudden change in volume.

“You are up to something, you have a different perfume on. Who is he?”

“Seriously, you are paranoid, I am meeting the girls.”

“No I am not, who do you think you are saying that to me, you are messing around. I know you are. You have been acting strangely the last few weeks. I know you are. Admit it,” I move towards you and stand over you barking into your face. You back away, eyes widening fearfully.

“I haven’t, honestly, I haven’t.”

“I should let you go anyway you whore, I don’t know I bother with you. I was planning a pleasant evening in for us. I was going to cook you your favourite and I have a delicious bottle of Chablis chilling but as usual you are being selfish.”

“Please don’t shout at me, I am just going out with my friends, I am allowed to have some friends aren’t I?”

“Not those harpies, they have it in for me, I hate them. I hate you.”

“Oh please don’t be like that, look I will be back by ten at the latest so we can still have some time together,” you suggest.

“Is that supposed to make me feel pleased? Why would I want to spend time with you, you slut. I see, you want to have your way with him and then rub it in my face. You are such a bitch.”

You have backed away from my tirade, wincing with each bellowed sentence. This allows me to snatch up your clutch bag.

“You can’t go out with no keys and no money,” I say holding the bag aloft.

“Please I only want to see my friends, I rarely see them as it is, please give me my bag back, why are you being so horrible?”

“Because you are cheating on me. I am not having you spend our money on some other man.”

“There is no other man, how many times do I have to tell you? Please let me go.”

“No. You are not going. You are staying here with me.”

“I can’t cancel, not this late,” you say in dejection.

“Of course you can. He does not matter.”

“There is no he. It is the girls.”

“So you say. You are not going. If you do that is me and you finished.”

“What, just because I want to see my friends?” You slump on to the bed, shoulders hunched and your head in your hands.

“You don’t need them, you have got me.”

“Why does it always have to be like this, every time I try and do something you do this,” you protest and your voice breaks with the first sob of frustration.

“No I don’t stop trying to blame me when you are at fault,” I growl.

“You always do this, make feel guilty or do something to stop me going out.”

“Rubbish, you are making things up again. You are just trying to make me feel bad for you. It won’t work you know that.”

You begin crying as I stand power surging through me.

“Here,” I order as I pull your phone from your bag and throw it down on the bed besides you, ” ring them and tell them you can’t make it, say you don’t feel well or something. I will pour the Chablis.”

Still sobbing you fumble for the phone and pick it up before dialling the number. I stand triumphant drinking deep of the fuel you have given me during this exchange. I have won the battle once again and this time I did not even have to escalate it like I did last time. I suppose that was just as well really seeing as how you had only just replaced those mirrors I smashed.

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Knowing Your Narcissist

One of my readers, K, has kindly compiled a short survey concerning your experiences with the narcissist you became entangled with. It is entirely anonymous and I would encourage you to complete it as K will collate and present the acquired responses in due course which no doubt will make interesting reading for you all. Where you have been involved with more than one narcissist I suggest you choose the narcissist which will enable you to answer the survey in the fullest way possible. Thank you in advance of your co-operation and thank you to K for compiling the survey. The link  to the survey is below. Over to you.

https://www.surveymonkey.co.uk/r/HB5ZX5Y

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Surely He Meant Some of It?

 

 

 

When we cast you aside in our callous manner and leave you despairing and devastated in the dirt, the smouldering ruins of the fabricated world now laid bare and razed to the ground, all around you, you will spend many hours dissecting, analysing and reviewing what has happened. The questions that form as a consequence of our magnificent seduction, our brutal abuse and our reckless discard come thick, fast and often. Did he love me? How could he have treated me this way? How did the happiness turn so sour and so quickly? Is he with someone else? How will he treat her? What if she makes him happy? How could he treat me like this after everything that I have done? How does he sleep at night? How can he look at himself in the mirror? Has he done this to other people? Maybe his ex-wife was right about him and tried to warn me? Did I do something wrong? Did I bring it on myself? What if I had tried harder to please him? Why did he not say he was unhappy with me, I would have done something about it? Why won’t he speak to me? Will I ever see him again?  What have I done to deserve this? Was he ever happy? Why was he so angry? Surely he meant some of it?

This last question is the refuge of the deluded. A place where you attempt to gain some solace and relief from the wounds that you still bear after becoming entangled with us. You look to any shred that may give you some comfort from the hurt, some piece of the jigsaw that will make everything click into place and some consolation that he really did love something about you and he showed that to you. You might seize upon all those times you and I attended those classical music concerts, when we sat holding hands and listen to the philharmonic orchestra as they played Rimsky-Korsakov’s Scherezade. You remember looking across and smiling at how content I looked. I certainly seemed to be enjoying the performance and indeed I spoke about it in glowing terms in the bar afterwards. I may have enjoyed the performance and appreciated the skill and dedication of the musicians but I enjoyed more making you think that this was something I really enjoyed so that you poured admiration and positive fuel my way.

How about the excitement I exhibited when you organised for us to attend a wine tasting course led by that television personality? That must have been true appreciation of what you had organised for me. I appreciated how you had committed such a loving gesture and fuelled me as I became excited at the prospect of showing off in front of the other attendees about my knowledge of wine and outshining the personality. That is what motivated me.

You look back through the love letters, the elegant copper plate handwriting which conveyed such deep and heartfelt emotions. The words were so moving and now as you re-read them the tears form in your eyes as the memory of hearing me reading to them cuts through you. Surely I must have meant those words, they are so passionate and meaningful. I meant those words as a way to gain more fuel from you, to make you want me all the more and your tearful appreciation made me feel powerful and fuelled as I read to you.

You recall your favourite restaurant and the numerous times that I took you there. Surely I enjoyed that? I always complimented the chef and on several times I booked it as a surprise. I found the food mediocre but your reaction to knowing that you were going there and your gushing appreciation when we dined at this restaurant meant that enduring the bland cuisine and irritating maitre’d was entirely worth it.

How about then the times we danced cheek to cheek to Sade or Dido. You felt so close to me then and hadn’t I said that I felt as if time had stood still and the rest of the world had melted away. Surely I must have meant that? Not so, I hated those artists and I wiled away the tedious minutes drinking in your fuel and plotting my further machinations.

There are occasions when we do certain things for you, or behave in a certain way, or do things with you which may coincide with things that we like. I will admit that, but to say that we loved them and to say that we loved them because of you is erroneous. What we loved more than anything was the fuel that you provided to us as a consequence of your reaction to dining at that restaurant, or dancing cheek to cheek or attending the basketball together. The outings with friends, the gardening together, the sex, the holding hands, the playing of computer games, the films, the television shows and on and on, all of it was love because of the fuel you gave when we did those things together and you deemed them to be special. It was the fuel. You may delude yourself and feel free to do so, it will just make hoovering you at a later stage easier. Convince yourself some of it was real. Convince yourself that some of it was worthwhile and not wasted. That is your choice and one which makes you all the more susceptible to me sinking my teeth into you again and drawing yet more fuel from you. So, when you ask yourself yet again that surely he meant some of it when I did as I did and said as I said, you know the answer is that the only thing I meant was that I loved the fuel you gave me.

 

 

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Completely Contrariwise

Contrariwise,’ continued Tweedledee, ‘if it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn’t, it ain’t. That’s logic.”

Makes perfect sense to me but I should imagine it will not to you. Welcome to the logic of my world. The penchant that our kind and me exhibit for telling you that black is white and when you eventually agree (and you will no matter how ridiculous this may appear) we will tell you that it was black all along. Or orange. Or azure.

Our ability to deploy contrariwise must rank amongst one of the most confusing, infuriating and draining manipulative techniques that we possess. Well, judging by your reactions when we wheel this out it is. In all honesty, it is used so often it may as well be a default setting. No matter what you say to us we will automatically adopt a contrary position even if that contrary position appears to you as untenable and that it flies in the face of logic. We will always find ways of undermining, denying and deflecting what you are saying to us, most particularly if you are trying to make us look bad, prove we are wrong or you are challenging us in some way. We cannot allow those things to happen. We have a number of standard phrases that we will use in furtherance of this ability.

“Why must you always exaggerate?”

“No, I have never done that.”

“You are over-reacting. Again.”

“I think you will find that you are being sensitive, I did not mean it the way you are interpreting it.”

“You always look at it the wrong way.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Your memory is playing tricks on you.”

“You/he/she/the world is making things up.”

“If you say so but you have got it wrong.”

“I never do that.”

“You always have to make a scene don’t you?”

Do any of these sound familiar to you? Our capacity to be presented with evidence of something and then in the next breath deny the existence of that evidence is staggering. We will reject what you say, deny we ever said anything (even though we actually said it just ten minutes ago) and twist our position so many times we appear to turn into a corkscrew.

Why do we do this? It serves three purposes. The first is because we are never wrong then we must never be shown to be wrong. You seem to have a fascination for trying to demonstrate to us that we are wrong about the things we say and do. That is a nonsense. We cannot be wrong and you must accept that. Our use of contrariwise enables us to ensure that we remain right and you remain wrong. It is entirely logical to us. If it is not so to you then that is your problem. You wanted to come into our world so now you must accept its rules. Do not try and argue that you did not agree to this. When you embraced our illusion you consented to this state of affairs. Do not try and deny that it is the case otherwise we will just have to provide you with some more contrariwise.

The second reason that we do this is that we have to have you in a state of confusion. This means that being a creature of order and logic you will try and make sense of our contrariwise which will merely serve to put your head in a spin. Furthermore, you cannot help yourself but want to show us that we are wrong. You cannot accept that we are unable to see the point that you are making. That is entirely the point. You are subjected to our rules now and logic, reason and sense rode out of town many moons ago. This confusion will leave you susceptible to our other manipulations and drain you of your resistance and resolve making it harder for you to escape our grip.

The third reason is down to our lifeblood, yes fuel. Your evident frustration, curses and desperation as you try to make us see that we are wrong provides us with delicious dollops of fuel. You tear your hair out, repeat yourself, raise your voice and collapse sobbing in frustration. It is all good fuel to us. No matter if you argued the point with the forensic precision of a top barrister we would twist the words so they achieve what we want and not what you want. To borrow from Lewis Carrol’s fantastic writing I leave you with the words of humpty dumpty, who was clearly a pioneer of our kind.

“When I use a word it means just what I choose it to mean.”

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Vote for Me!

 

Ladies and gentlemen, good and decent people, people just like me only less so, I have come to deliver a message to you. I am here to save you. That’s right. I have been sent by God almighty to save you, save this country and make you both great again. I am on a mission. I am on a quest. I was chosen by the only power higher than myself to seize the destiny of this once great country of ours and turn it around. For too long this country has been in the grip of the do-gooders, the liberals and the pinkos. They want to see the values which this country is known world-wide for, crushed and obliterated. I will no longer allow that to happen. When I am in power I will root out those who have opposed us and I shall see that they account for their treasonable activities. They hide behind the right to free speech but listen to me ladies and gentlemen, I say they forfeited that right to free speech when they promoted the destruction of the values that you and I hold dear. I know that all of you gathered here today, who have come to listen to me, have done so because you believe in me. You need me to guide you through the danger and to the promised land and believe me ladies and gentlemen, I am the only one who can do that. Nobody else has the presence of mind, focussed ambition, singularity of purpose and the indefatigable spirit to do what others shirk from. Others may talk of hard decisions to be made and the risks of trampling on the less fortunate in a rush to secure victory. They say this to promote fear amongst you because they want to control you with fear. They want to make you scared so that you will adhere to what they require. They want you nervous and weak so you will submit. Not I. I have no need to instil fear in you good people in order to have you believe in me. You believe in me because I love you. I love you and all the things you value and hold dear because I value them too. I want what you want. I am what you want. I was sent to save you from the forces of darkness that lurk at our borders and have begun to infiltrate this once great land of ours. Do not be concerned ladies and gentlemen because together we will defeat them. When I am in power, anybody that speaks out against me and our nation will be removed. Yes, you heard me right. We will send them back. They may have come here with good intentions but where are those good intentions now? Exactly. Their mealy-mouthed pronouncements have turned to dust and instead they have the audacity to speak ill of you and I. We do not need these people in our nation. They serve no purpose and we shall cast them aside and discard them like the wrapper on a Twinkie. They have made themselves disposable and dispose of them we shall. I shall be ruthless. There will be no pussyfooting around. No delays. No dilatory approach. I will root out these traitors, these betrayers of our largesse, these abusers of our hospitality and generosity and I shall send them back where they came from. Back to insignifighan and the people’s republic of meaningless. We do not need them and we will not tolerate them. And yes, ladies and gentlemen, if they think they can come back I will stop them. I will build a huge wall along our border and they will not cross it. Even better, I will make them pay for it so your money is used for me and not them. Only I have the determination and ability to deliver because I am more than them. I am better than them.

Where these foul interlopers seek to disrupt our way of life, I call on your good people to cut them down. The time for tolerance has gone. They lost that right when they let us down. They lost that right when they criticised us. This is not the time for indecision. This is the time for you and I to work together and repel these people. I will tell you who they are. I will organise a campaign so that the foul characters of these individuals will be assassinated and we shall bring them down. I need you to do this for me, for you and for our country. Do not be concerned with the repercussions as I will cover your costs of taking such action on my behalf and in my name. I will direct you and stand with you as we drive out the lefties, the namby-pamby types and the woolly liberals. There is no place for them in our new order. Do not be concerned either with the other candidates who tell such brazen lies about me. They are governed by envy, by jealousy and by blind hatred. I will trump them. I will rise above them because they wish, deep down, they could be me. They envy my sense of purpose, my ability to speak to all right-minded people and gain their trust. I love you. I truly do and I will always protect you, act in your interests and ensure that you do not come to harm.

I know what needs to be done. I have been sent by God to walk amongst you and be your god, guiding you ever onwards as we strive with goodness in our hearts and wisdom in our minds to do the right thing. Some people think that doing the right thing is a hard thing to do. Nonsense! I do the right thing all the time because I am special and talented. It takes someone of my ability to achieve what is best for you and our country, but I will do it. All I ask from you is your commitment to our cause, your undivided loyalty and your appreciation and admiration for what I will do for you when I rule this country. Place your trust and your belief in me ladies and gentlemen. I am the answer. Vote for me as your ruler, Vote Narc and I will make the United States of Me mean something again to the rest of the world.

 

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The Ignominy of Injury

I would never hurt an animal, not intentionally. I am an expert marksman but I would never shoot a live animal. I am not fond of animals, I have never kept a pet and I never will. Caring for or hurting an animal has no interest for me. I should imagine that has taken a few of you by surprise. I should imagine that you saw the picture of this fox with his cast and thought, “This is where he shows more of his sadism by revealing that he tortured guinea pigs when he was child or shot at birds in the garden with an air rifle.” I am pleased to disappoint you. That never happened. I am well aware that hurting animals may be a sign of no conscience but it does not follow that a lack of conscience means that you will hurt animals. I know that certain individuals obtain an emotional gratification by hurting an animal as this is about exhibiting the ultimate control. I regard those that engage in that type of behaviour as low-functioning epsilon semi-morons. An animal cannot answer you back, it cannot tell you things or say the wrong thing. I do think that animals display certain self-centred narcissistic tendencies, feed me, wash me, stroke me, play with me, walk me, clean my living space and so on. They require a lot of attention and that is why I cannot countenance ever having one as a pet. I suspect that is the reason why I have never hurt one.

No, my ire exists for the wounded creature, the pathetic person that is weak. I do not like babies because they are weak and absorb attention away from me. I do not like the elderly, they are weak and they absorb attention away from me with all the help they need. I also want no reminder of how mortality fades and they are the spectres hovering at the end, reminding us that the reaper’s scythe is nearing. I not like the ill, they are weak and they absorb attention away from me. I think you are getting the picture now. I know you empathic people reach out to these people and that society dictates that these groups should be cared for. That does not resonate with me. They infuriate me. I would rather they disappeared and did not distract from my purpose. Should they come within my reach they find themselves subjected to my irritation and displeasure which results in me lashing out  with acidic tongue and savage words at them in order to exhibit my annoyance. I know you regard that as wrong but I am just being honest. It is what I feel. Now you know why my kind ditches you for a younger model, pays no interest to the birth of our child and why our kind always vanishes when you are ill or injured and in need of care. We have no desire to be reminded of weakness, not when it threatens us from inside on a daily basis.

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I Want You

Now I have your attention with my statement above, I can elaborate. Of course I want you. That goes without saying, but as with everything I say, the comment above is not quite the whole picture and I need something more from you. I would like your input

. I am preparing a publication which addresses, from the depths of the narcissist mind, those questions which are frequently asked by people who have done the dance with us, remain locked in that dance who did it some time ago and wish to warn others. I am looking for you to provide questions that you want answered and those which you think other people, similar to your goodselves, will want answered by someone like me. Some may seem obvious to you and not to others so do not diminish the value in your suggestions. It may seem obscure but no doubt, given the similarity in the way we behave, someone else will want to know the answer to your question too. Your questions should be generic so they apply to the situations of others rather than you tell me about a specific scenario personal to you and then your question appertains to that scenario. By all means, feel free to provide context and no, I won’t be including the question why are you all such bastards. Do provide your suggestions in the comments or if you feel shy you can PM me on the Facebook page. Thank you in advance of your contributions and the best ones will be included in the publication with a credit so do say if you wish to remain anonymous or select a pseuedonym (if you have not already done so). I look forward to reading your suggestions.

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