Crumbling Before Us
We don’t provide support. We are too concerned with ourselves and our daily hunt for the fuel that we need to be concerned about you. We are engrossed in our own world and have no interest in yours. The only time we pay attention to you is when you are providing us with fuel or you stop providing us with fuel. Everything we do is focussed around us. This is because we have to obtain fuel, as without we will disintegrate. The hunger for this fuel is never ending and accordingly all of our energy must be applied towards obtaining it. This leaves us with nothing left over for anyone else.
Being a caregiver yourself, you would like to think that the person who you share your life with, or who you work closely with, would be amenable to providing you with support. That may mean giving you emotional support when you are experiencing a difficult time or taking the strain allowing you to lessen the burden on yourself. You give and you are happy to do so, therefore why should they not do so as well? That is the outlook of someone normal operating by the norms and rules of your world. Those do not apply to us. We cannot provide you with support since we have nothing available to do so.
Added to that we do not know how to provide emotional support. Yes we can see how chores can be done and the like. We also have observed the ways that you provide emotional support to other people and we know the phrases that are used, the expressions that are formed on people’s faces and the gestures that are made. We have seen all that and we could trot all that out. In fact we have done in the past. We did this when we were seducing you. When we wanted you to divulge about your weaknesses and vulnerabilities this will have invariably saddened you and upset you. It may even have caused an episode where you need emotional support. We were happy to go through the motions then because we were at the stage of investing in your in order to get our fuel. We were content to make the right noises, give you a hug and make the panacea that is the cup of tea. All of this was learned from others. We did not feel anything for you. We could not put ourselves in your shoes (heaven forbid that would ever happen) and we could not empathise with what you were experiencing and nor can we ever do that. Yet again, we conned you into thinking that we are a caring and selfless person. We demonstrated such an approach when we were first together and that attracted you to us. This raised expectations that you could rely on us and turn to us when the need arose. It is all false.
Furthermore, when you need support and expect it from us, you are showing to us how you are weak. We despise weakness. You will find that our kind is rarely found near children, the infirm and ill and the elderly. This is because they are all weak and want support regularly. We do not want to be reminded of that fact. We cannot be bothered with you cluttering up our route to fuel. An exhibition of weakness infuriates us. A normal person would see someone in a position of weakness and deign to help and assist. We have seen how this is a natural reaction in normal people. It will not happen with us.
If you are fortunate, we will absent ourselves from the situation in an instant. We will generate some urgent reason; find a pressing engagement we had forgotten about in order to ensure we can get away from you and your ailment, woe or injury. You probably will never see us move as quick when it comes to getting away from somebody who needs help. If we are unable to exit the situation then we may just stand and look at you. You could be reaching out to us, eyes filled with tears of pain, asking for help and we will just give you a blank stare. We know we ought to be helping you, convention and observation has told us this, but we cannot do so. We are unable to leave but we are also unable to help you. This requires compassion and we do not have any. It requires us to us our energies to help you out and we are forbidden from doing so.
Our ultimate reaction where you need support from us is to go on the offensive. The uncomfortable feeling that you have generated inside of us makes us feel less powerful and smacks of inferiority. We know of only one way to banish such a sensation. We need to reassert our power and that means we must lash out at you. It becomes necessary to subject you to further insults and denigrating comments, at a time when you are feeling hurt and vulnerable.
“What are you crying for? I have had worse happen to me.”
“I am sick and tired of you being pathetic. Deal with it.”
“I bet (insert name of triangulated individual) would not make such a song and dance about it like you do.”
“It’s only a dog, you can get another one. Seriously, what a display over a dumb animal.”
“You are hysterical, you need to get help.”
“Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about.”
“That’s right; make it about you on my special day.”
We will lash out at you with these words in order to make you feel worse and ourselves feel better because that is all we care about. We fooled you into thinking that we care about you. That is a fallacy. Do not expect us to support you.
Demonstrating our legendary hypocrisy we will expect you to always be there for us. When we have a need you must attend to it straight away, even if you are experiencing difficulties yourself. When we have a scratch we expect you to make it better even though you might be bleeding to death before us. As with so much of our behaviour we do not regard the way we act towards you as meaning you should behave the same way towards us. If you chopped us in half you would most likely find this stencilled through us like lettering on a stick of rock
“Do as I say, not do as I do.”
22 thoughts on “Crumbling Before Us”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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HG
No compassion in your tribe is it natural something you cant change? You just dont have will to do so? Or is it a choice , something you programmed your brain to do so in order to never feel pain?
It is the way we are, the way we have been programmed in order to enable us to survive as we are.
Our 14 year old son has a liver disease, stage 3-4 and is on chemo drugs. His N father had him for visitation. He put alcohol in his smoothie, our 13 year old caught him. “its not enough to hurt you” He said. He forced them to drink. The 13 year old drank both smoothies to protect his brother. ( when the N was not looking). Child Protective Services could not prosecute for medical negligence because the sick child did not drink it. He had been in remission two weeks, no one knows if N did it to harm him or if it is denial. Denial kills.
Janaa…in this type of relationship this is what makes reconciliation so difficult. Basically in a true love ending we hurt first and then we let time heal the wound because we know somewhere during that Union, we actually love each other. So The Break-Up process and healing process is so normal. With this type of relationship we are at constant battle between our head and our heart. This is why most victims remain either attached until final discard or obsessed about this disorder until rational thought has to take over everything else. When my father started a new family and made it clear that we were mirror props to him I cried myself to sleep for an entire year. And this is my father we’re talking about. When his girlfriend broke up with him he came back to us meaning his daughters and I gladly took him back. It wasn’t until I got into my own sadly Twisted relationship with a full-fledged abusive human being that I logically tied everything together. So for some relationships it takes much longer as it did for me and my father because I thought that love was intended to be unconditional. And then through my abuser with how he destroyed my heart and Sanity for a great length of time I Now understand. Even if it helps to convince yourself that maybe he cared in order to let go then I say go for it. Otherwise accepting the fact that someone could be so methodical in their ability to act out their entire life will take a lot of time grieving and energy but I think it can be worth it if victims are willing to accept the fact that they were indeed victims and never significant to this person.
This right here became the core issue of the push and pull in our relationship. Within 3 months of meeting my Narc, I had a health scare that led to an outpatient surgery. All was fine, but at the time, I would reach out to him, especially being in a new relationship and expecting (fatal flaw there, I now know) compassion, companionship and support. Just basic human decency. I had never in my whole life saw someone who would turn so ice cold and go silent. It led to me appealing to him on every level I could think of, first diplomatically, then letting him see me vulnerable at how sad it made me when he pulled away, then down and out sheer anger. For me, I constantly wanted to prove that I had to have meant something to him because I would get the hint, pull away and within 1 week to 3 weeks he’d always be back and try to be flirty and playful like nothing had transpired. I knew nothing of Narcissism on this level. He was a close friend of my employer’s family and because the chance always exists that we could cross paths because of that situation, I so badly wanted to things end on a positive, loving, or at least amicable way. One time he asked me “what closure?” when I said then let’s end things but have something good transcend over all this mess so we have closure. It’s like I was speaking Russian.
Every time he returned, I thought it was because there was deep seated feeling for me that were real.
I recently had another health scare requiring biopsies. All turned out well, thank goodness. I had a very scary 2 week period. He had started a devaluation phase but I reached out to him about 3 times over those 2 weeks. He was stone silent. I think he may have thought I was making up a scenario as a new attempt to get him to respond to me but that is not my style and he should know better. Last week out of the blue and all this silence, he sends me a random text to “please stop texting me”. This came 2 weeks after the fact and I did pull back and stop reaching out. I am now in no contact and I know realize if he does reach out at some point it’s definitely not because he cares about me.
I will never be able to wrap my brain around someone knowing it feels great to feel loved and cared for when they are sick and they can’t do that in return.
Thanks for posting that MLA, it is entirely indicative of (1) the lack of compassion and empathy we truly have (of course we can fake it during seduction when it suits our purposes and we are getting something from it – during devaluation there is no need to fake it as the reaction we get gives us negative fuel and (2) the fact it is about you and not us, which as you know we regard as a criticism of us and therefore we either bring the attention onto us or go and leave you to your difficulties to find someone else who will give us attention.
Thanks for describing your experience perfectly MLA. It’s over a year but it’s succinct. One of the reasons I’m addicted to HG’s blog is that people describe exactly how I feel/felt. The experiences, emotions and feelings that I can’t find the words to express are daily published here. It’s so validating and I’m so thankful.
This is ascertive and interesting and well written like everything you put on words. Not all you postings are beautiful, some are, some not. This one is. I read it just now as I walk to work.
Brought sad memories. My ex husband mainly more than my other 2 exN.
Sometimes I just felt it that he wanted to be there, to support, he just walked away and again and again. In the beginning I understood because I knew his shutdown nature and I loved him like that. But somewhen it gets too much, you stop understanding, pain and frustration winover, reading about selflove if one had been lucky to become aware and yes like you picture. Everything starts to crumble.
You have this magic to match perfectly the picture with your writting. This shows me your special. No matter what the others say.
Posting also answers many questions I had in my mind during the last days. Something that happened with a friend.
Last but not least. Thank you for this posting. It makes my day. I enjoy reading you everyday but sometimes they get to me in a very positive and enlightened way you words.
A Narcissist can also make your day nice. Out of lovebombing and just by being sincere.
Have a good day ☀️
You are welcome Nikita.
wow….I have personally experienced being abandoned by my ex narc when I needed him the most….
However, I remember a female narc/sociopath in our circle of friends doing the something very odd when her boyfriend’s mother died.
She had to make the day of the funeral all about her!
She was a natural California surfer girl. Long blonde hair, nice skin with little make up, great figure. She was always a jeans and t-shirt type of girl….although always very attractive…
She showed up at her boyfriend’s mother’s funeral late–DRESSED LIKE A PROSTITUTE!!! SERIOUSLY!!! Hooker pumps, fishnets, micro mini skirt, bikini top, and tons of makeup!!! She was drunk and laughing….all eyes were on her because we couldn’t believed she showed up like that!!! She NEVER dressed like that–EVER!!!
Her boyfriend blamed it on her being in grief over his mother….he forgave her immediately….until he found out she had slept with several of his “friends” behind his back for years…..he was glad to find this out…he was one week away from proposing to her….
He has been happily married to someone else for the last 10 years…that still doesn’t stop his ex N/S from Hoovering him with handwritten letters every few years….he always returns them unopened….
Thanks for sharing that T, I have always wondered what a prostitute wears and now I know. Yes, you are absolutely right she could not bear the day, even a funeral, to be about somebody else and her manipulation of her boyfriend was so successful he made excuses for her (or even believed she was grief stricken). I am pleased you included the repeated hoover attempts which take place intermittently and some time after the cessation of the relationship. Many people do not believe that we will keep trying, no matter how much later it is after the relationship has ended. You have covered a few bases in that post.
I can’t stop looking at that photo. I find it strangely beautiful. What does that say about me?
You either work in construction or enjoy stomping on sandcastles on the beach.
Good one! I rather enjoy the latter, but only if they’re my own. Now you…I’m sure you would love to stomp on my sandcastle. 😉 Wouldn’t you?
Of course not. I will let the sea reclaim it.
As soon as I began reading I had a memory come flashing to the forefront of my mind. When my oldest children were 2 and 5 we lived in a medium sized city in southern Alberta. My ex had begun his career in the oil industry and was away more then at home, which suited him immensely as children are not his strong suit – that’s a whole different story. It was early June and the melting snow pack from the mountains typically swells the rivers and submerges the floodplains around that time every year. Most years it’s not too terrible and the rising rivers are easily managed with reinforced berms, but this year was a record snowfall and the rivers were overflowing everywhere. We were put on flood watch as it became apparent the water flowing to us was going to be far more then ever expected. It was in fact what was later called the worst flood in over a hundred years. The military was called in to fill sandbags and reinforce the berms along the river flowing through the city. Those of us living on the flood plain were given 24 hours notice to secure our homes as best as we could and be ready to evacuate. We lived within the flood plain, roughly 10 blocks from the rapidly rising river and my ex was working far north in the province, unreachable by cell phone. My friends at that time were the wives of rig hands, who’s own husbands and boyfriends were also away. It fell to me to secure the house, which for the most part meant moving everything from the main floor to the second floor and items I couldn’t move on my own I used milk crates to lift off the floor. It took me a good bit of the 24 hours I had to get this all done and it felt like it wasn’t long before I could hear the military jeeps with loud speakers driving through the neighbourhood telling everyone to leave immediately. I’d hoped and I’m sure the rest of the people in the area hoped that the sandbag enforcement would be high enough to handle the water that was already a raging torrent of strength easily 10 times the size and depth of the usually placid river. City Hall that was the main concern was already breached, it was built next to the river and as heavily enforced as it was, was taking on water and the military was pulling back. They were reassigned to block access to and guard the neighbourhood being evacuated. I’d been to the river a few times to see it creeping up further and further on the steel and concrete foundation. The train bridge was loaded with heavy grain filled cars to hopefully help keep the bridge from washing away. I sadly watched the debris being swept along the heavy, fast current, farm animals sadly among the casualties. With the call to evacuate came I loaded the children and our dog into my car and went to one of the evacuation centres and signed in, so anyone looking for us would know we were safe. The river was a truly frightening experience. At one point a huge propane tank upriver was torn from it’s foundation and began it’s way to the city. It was determined that if it hit the bridge on it’s way through it could possibly take it down completely. The bridge is on the transcanada highway and a very valuable artery for commerce, so a decision was made to protect it. A military chopper was called in and a sniper riddled the tank with holes to sink it before it reached the bridge. It was several days before we were allowed back into the neighbourhood to assess damage. We weren’t allowed to stay as there were houses demolished, large chunks of streets swept away and no power as it had been cut off before the flood waters came.
The first day of our evacuation a bunch of us ‘rig wives’ managed to convince a consultant with the company to borrow his satelite phone so we could call out to the rig and talk with our spouses and significant others. When it came my turn to talk with my hubby his first question was if I had managed to make sure his precious stereo system was protected, which it was. I had packed it in my car, not trusting it on the second floor of the house. When he was certain I hadn’t forgotten to make sure his possessions were taken care of his next comments made me see red.
He laughed and said it really sucks to be you, I just spent the morning soaking up the sun at the beach here and we’re about to crack open some cold ones and light the barbeque. I think the guys and I are going to rent a boat and do a little water skiing… too bad you can’t enjoy the water coming your way… oh, gotta go… still laughing when he broke the connection.
N’s don’t do comfort at all
I was also the only one to clean up the damage after we were given the all clear to go home. My husband decided to stay where he was for an extra few weeks… he was just having too much fun there.
Interesting story and a good example Sheila, the detail you recall certainly shows this to be etched in your memory.
It’s just one of many memories of my marriage that are hard to forget. I’m sure the natural catastrophe had as much to do with remembering the details as his behaviour. It also gives me strength to know that it’s one more thing that I survived and helps me continue on through other obstacles in my life. I was 23 when this happened, how young that seems now! lol
They live in a surreal fantasy world, where they can escape the realities of life and readily put them upon the rest of us “peasants”, who they view as responsible for coping with, dealing with and cleaning up such situations. They are above such menial, trivial and Manual endeavours.
What apiece of work your N was and obviously still is, but what it really shows, is who the one with fortitude of character, strength, capability and determination is…YOU. He cannot do as you can, so he abandons such responsibilities, as he knows you can cope with them and get them done. In such cases, even Acknowledment that you did a good job, a thank you, a small token for your efforts, but always, nothing but contempt and scorn and blame.
That story is prime example, thank you for sharing it Sheila xx
Today I was thinking about him. Women have certain ‘times’ – today was one for me…
On a Site he owns he posted a video recently “new love vs old love” and showed much of what I knew he hated about his ‘normal’ life – even the dog in the video was the breed of my dog…it made me wonder if he was doing it on purpose in case I saw it or to make fun of what we had ‘old love’ (when the fireworks die)…today was a battle within…then I read this…and remembered when I had a 104 fever and he wouldnt pick up the phone…the next day he surfaced and said that he thought I just wanted attention and was lying…other times I needed him, he would say “NO. Im not going over there if we’re fighting”….I would cry terribly…he had me bail him out so many times without a question
Utterly insane loyalty
I hope that he found his ‘new fuel’ – I view him as I do my father with every passing day…I kill him in my heart, with every blog you write.
Thank you
-S
You are welcome Susan, thanks for your post.
Susan, so true, the blaming for things that are out of our control, their inability to feign some level of concern or comfort. I would think they might, just for what may be gained from doing so. Even the idea of fuel from faking comfort, seems to be not even an adequate reason to them.
Yes, yet we always remained loyal and caring caring, attending to needs and whims and desires.
Banishment of him from your heart is a lovely beginning. Sometimes I wonder which might be easier, to remove them from Our hearts or minds?