The Mockery of Mimicry
I love to copy. I have to copy. It is all I have known for as long as I can remember. It is my natural setting to mimic those around me. I have to fit in, I have to belong and the most effective way for me to achieve this is to replicate everything that I come into contact with. If I interact with an esteemed academic I will listen to his or her achievements and then pass those off as my own as I peel away their glittering accolades and apply them to myself. Should I spend time with an exceptional sporting individual then their record-breaking endeavours will be purloined for my benefit and sported as my own in furtherance of my own belief in my exceptional ability. Author? Yes I have written books too. Model? Yes I do some modelling from time to time. Chef? You should try my signature dish, it is heavenly. Everyone I have dealings with presents me with an opportunity to copy an element of their personality. character or personae so that I may then present it as my own and in so doing I shine brighter and become an even more attractive prospect to those whose lives I effortlessly infiltrate.
This skill at mimicry enables me to ghost in and out of people’s lives. I know the social norms which are applicable and through careful examination and application I am able to pass as one just like you. I am a facsimile of a decent, personable and engaging individual and this allows me access to my targets without raising any alarms. My veneer of respectability has been fashioned from all those that I engage with, gathering patches, fragments, shards and pieces until they are hewn together and I drape it about me allowing me to come and go as I please.
It is however with you that I exhibit the astonishing mimicry of which I am a master. Once I have selected you as my target I have learned much about you already. With what will eventually be recognised as alarming ease, I replicate a fondness for all those things which you like and a distaste for all those things that you dislike. Think back and you will readily recall how I love horse-riding just as you did, that I enjoyed swimming in open water just like you and my passion for the works of Geoffrey Chaucer matched yours. Those interests which were close to you became interests that were close to me. Your appreciation of an excellent bottle of Chateau Margaux was matched by my ability to remember the applicable tasting notes and recite them to you as if it was my own appreciation. I would mimic the way you sat, copying your body language because I know, from extensive practice that this paves the way to bonding with you. I would mimic your speech patterns to form a sub-conscious link between us. I liked blue because you liked blue. I found listening to soul music an offence to my ears but I maintained a false enjoyment of it since you liked it so much. I actually enjoy choosing from the Crustacea bar but your dislike of seafood meant that I too turned lobster and oysters away. How often did you remark aloud, to me or to your friends,
“We have so much in common.”
“We like so many of the same things it is wonderful.”
“We share so many interests, I love it.”
“We are so well matched. On every level. We really are soulmates.”
Of course we are. I made it so because I wanted to be everything you wanted. I took your long list of likes and dislikes, your catalogue of loves and hates and your grimoire of hopes and fears and I copied each and every page. I am a walking photocopier and I copied everything you wanted in order to ensure that my seduction of you was successful, encompassing and absolute.
Yet, my astonishing powers of mimicry did not end there. Goodness me no, there was more yet to come. In a particularly unpleasant twist to this malevolent skill of mine I would mimic your responses to my devaluation of you but this time it would not be a complete facsimile, I would make a slight change to my copying so that you would be undermined even further.
When you stood there crying with frustration and I drank deep of the delicious fuel you provided me, I would raise my hands to my eyes and draw pretend tears on my cheeks and make a sobbing noise to humiliate you further. Here I was letting you know that I copied everything that went before yet now I copy again but not with the perfection I once exhibited. I allow the sting of sarcasm and the malicious mockery to infiltrate my copying of your behaviour so that your hurt and bewilderment was increased. You would shout at me and I would shout back using the exact words before standing and laughing at you as you burned with frustration, unable to find any response. You might stamp your feet in exasperation and I would do the same but with a leer of disdain writ large across my face.
There were times when you would scream. A terrified scream as my vicious manipulations would take their toll and as you tried to curl into a ball and hope you might just disappear and escape this nightmare, I would lean in close to you and mimic your scream into your ear, creating this fabricated falsetto of distress in order to further your own. Every reaction to my devaluation of you had the potential to be met by a mimicked reply from me in order to further your misery and demonstrate I did not treat your responses with any sincerity or concern.
I am the master of mimicry, the king of copying and the duke of duplication. I am a walking and talking photocopier machine. I put the rank in Rank Xerox.
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Reblogged this on barclaydave and commented:
Inspirational post, don’t be fooled by the narcissist. Please leave comments concerning this post against the original and not here, thank you.
That’s the thing with narcissists, they will eventually start pulling you apart because they need to destroy others in order to feel good about themselves. I would rather they left decent people alone and fought with their own kind until all are destroyed. Thank you for this post, given the option we would all avoid the narcs among us but they hide so well in plain sight.
Reblogged this on Lucky Otter's Haven and commented:
Narcissists are bar none at mimicry. That’s why they can seem so good at so many things, and also why they seem so “understanding” when youve fallen under the spell of one. They have been watching you, cataloging your ideals, values, loves and hates as if they share them. They profess to be your soulmate…and you believe them because they are such good actors.
But there’s a dark, very dark side, to their ability to mimic, when they begin to devalue you….read on.
Thank you Luckyotter.
YW!
Thank you HG. A complement from you means the world to me! Xx
Ha ha.
This was a great blog. So often I called the Narc a Human Tape Recorder. I am so analytical (by trade and nature) and then couple that with a degree in Psychology/Sociology —- maybe he WAS the Science Project he told me he served to be…I digress
In any event, I was so observant over his behaviors after the first ‘breakup’….and like every day thereafter, he was predictable!! ANY TIME someone new came along I could TELL. Whether friend or woman he would sometimes forget who he spoke to.
I recall when he was someone other than me or himself, he would say things in either a type of ‘accent’ or key words that Id never hear him say. His physical appearance and dress would change as well…When I brought these things up, he would become irate with me and say that I was studying him, and the only thing he wanted in life was for me to ‘leave me the f*KC alone – its what I want from everyone’…..this is when he was backed into a corner and I didnt fall for the propaganda
Essentially they are a Jack of All Trades, and Master of None. They are rehearsed, well versed and the excuses and lies are rotated if you stay around him and actually know what he is, long enough.
My devaluations and discards (3 in total) were scripted, where he was a ‘martyr’ to leave me so that he could be a better man…I called him on his BS each time. I only found out about 1 thru a friend – and during that time I pieced his actions/words/behaviors together with the following D&Ds. These people are not whole. Not by choice this is their makeup. They HAVE to mimic others in order to 1) Seduce 2) Blackmail 3) keep supply in stock and in rotation
They (NPDs) would be spiritually crippled without the souls of his Supply. Like a CoDependent, he has NO concept of self other than he knows how to study and provoke in a circular manner.
So dont listen to him when he tells you that you are crazy or accusatory when you sense he is dressing differently or using phrases and terms you never heard before. You aren’t crazy – he is changing and either doesnt care to keep the charade up because his new source makes him ‘happy’ OR he knows that you are firmly rooted now, and therefore he could care less about your rants and tirades. He knows that you will come back whenever he calls or texts a sloppy ‘I miss you’
They fraud victims through no fault of their own. They are amoral and cannot help it – well the CAN help it, but do you know how much work it would be for them to change a behavior that helps them (or not) after creating this persona? He is Machiavelli and his true character – the one he is hiding from the world? Only his most intimate can ever see this. And his MOST INTIMATE??? 1 in 100….noone would believe you if you told it….he is CHARMING FUNNY and the LIFE OF THE PARTY
Why?? HE CAN RELATE TO EVERYONE IN THE ROOM….And THAT ROOM is his PRIMARY source of fuel. Never let yourself believe that you are Primary…YOU are ONLY a PRIMARY candidate for being a human garbage receptacle. He acts and imitates, while throwing up spiritual bile, from his soul into your body..Hence you are an empty shell
He stole your identity and ran
Numnuts. Not you HG. I like you. Fuel or not, you help people, nonetheless…….whether you like it or not – but I think you do…makes you feel successful, omnipotent still – helping and saving the same women who cant ‘get you’ in person…..still…a good deed noticed
Thanks
Susan
An excellent post Susan, interesting how you came to recognise certain behaviours. Once you know to look many of them are quite obvious, of course it is the knowing to look that os the hard part. What with your calling him numbnuts and Debbie holding her ex’s balls in her purse I wonder if it is some kind of castration festival?!
Thanks, HG.
LOL @ Castration festival..I remember praying once and said to God, I hope he is invisibly castrated so that he can’t harm women anymore! Im sure your exs all felt the same. Sorry…if your ears were ringing your ‘thing’ was sitting on a mini guillotine in all of your ex’s minds, Im sure of that haha..
Well since I grew up around it (Father) and an encore appeared as a love interest it was relatively quick to observe. I really wanted to help him improve his relationship with his daughters – kind of relive my childhood through him….I must say he was sensitive when it came to them if I brought them up in a way to say “hey..stop making yourself look like an unstable man, set an example for your daughters…” he’d hang up on me and say that his relationship with them is just fine…but deep within he knew I was right….
I believe his NPD comes from his Mother smothering him, now that I have had time to evaluate. He mentioned Opipus complex and how when he was young he was fascinated by his mother’s body….he also told me that he wasnt supposed to be here and she always called him ‘special’…..
He began getting into trouble at 13 or 14 – although his father held a nice position at a company and there was no necessity to deviate from being a ‘good boy’ he wanted to get into trouble and dodge it all at once.
Many women dont get to observe or get to this point as your readers because well, many aren’t as smart or removed from it enough to see OR they are simply sucked in to fast to ever notice.
I always told my EN that in order for him to be happy with ANY woman he needs to goto a non-English speaking country and swipe a housekeeper who will speak only the language of love because noone in their right mind would tolerate his shenanigans…..he laughed….but agreed on a few occasions during an argument (we had many)
Nonetheless – I still hope for a miracle. He believes, Im sure til this day, that he is immortal…one day that will catch up to him, and he might see then, when his daughters dont give a fly about him, that I was really trying to help…..but he was so stubborn….and so was I….
Happy Sunday!
-Susan
This incredibly insightful. I, too, became methodical and meticulous in scrutinizing exactly how he would communicate to me when he would reappear to Hoover. There would always be some new “slang” he never used before and I could go right to his FB page, pull up his friends, and go thru his females listed towards the top (most frequently in contact with), go to their pages and easily find the one who was the new fuel source. Sickening! On both sides – he doing it, and me playing detective to fight from feeling crazy. I would show a couple friends and they would shake their heads amazed though that I connected the dots. At times I even saw him “mimic” me with a funny one-liner I shared in private conversation. Within a week I would find in a FB post using the slang word or phrase relating to someone else. I had actually noticed that first during my first year with him which tipped me off to look for him doing that with other females when I had been discarded during a silent treatment.
I guess instead of thinking I’d only be a garbage receptacle for him, he must of liked some of what he saw to add to the precious construct.
Interesting observations Clarece and as you know, we use them repeatedly on different targets since they are so effective. Why keep them for just one person?
mlaclarece I thought I was the only one who knew about the ‘FB contact’ trick lol….
We do become Detectives dont we?!!?!
Mine would tell me certain married ones were MARRIED but then Id see they were single…on one occasion he and I had a conversation about forgiveness….it was a private convo..
in two days he FB posted “How many times should a person forgive another”….I was like WTH!!! But didnt mention it to him. I wanted to see the comments, and who said what…I think he did it to 1) Annoy me (if he REMEMBERED it was me he had the convo with – he was sometimes VERY FORGETFUL and I KNOW it was not intended 2) See what the replies were from women….so he MIGHT have something to play with….
We went on vacation to Miami Beach and went parasailing…he posted a pic of us (we were WAY UP THERE) and women asked ‘who was that with you’ and he deviated from the answer….I would just watch and read, so disgusted by his sneaky ways….At that point I was becoming numb to his abuse – his little ways of telling the world I meant nothing.
When it finally ended I believe MAYBE his sisters said something to him, because he kept repeating ‘I cant handle the responsibility of a relationship I keep saying that’ and i said ‘HAD I KNOWN THIS AT WEEK 5 AND NOT YEAR 5 DO YOU THINK ID BE HERE YOU A&^HOLE?!!?!?!?’
I think his sisters saw that I loved him, and maybe they also knew that he was playing me and said it wasnt fair. He told me I would thank him for this one day and I told him to stick it in his backside and never reach out to me again.
I was NOT thankful bc I had been through enough in my life and was not 25 years old where he could reshape my thinking. it was NOT his job as much as he said it wasnt MINE to fix him
I dont know if I will ever love again, because to be with someone so ruthless left a rancid taste in my mouth. He is the epitome of Evil. A demon, if you will.
I hate that they are so conniving and feel bad for every woman who crosses his path. He is irreparable unless he becomes paralyzed, from the waist down…otherwise he is free to contract an STD or have someone’s husband beat down his door…its inevitable…they wont stop…..bc they dont want to!
-Susan
I had a close friend tell me once that when going thru a break-up, a woman becomes better than an agent for the CIA. And that was just a normal break-up – not even one with a Narc. Homeland Security should probably interview us for a job after all this. Enjoy the rest of your weekend!
Oh H.G. I hated reading this one because it deeply saddened me reading about you taking pleasure in mimicking your girlfriends in their moments of sheer desperation in trying to reach you on some level. It is so cruel. I understand you’re imitating their motions when upset but that is a learned behavior knowing how gut wrenching it is to inflict on someone. Did you witness that with the MatriNarc and/or Uncle Pete?
Uncle Peter was a proponent of that particular “art”.
It’s vicious! I have much disdain for Uncle Peter just from the bits you’ve written in your books!
You would love him if you met him. Him and his chocolate.
For the way he treated your sister, I’d stomp on his chocolate!
Yep This sounds familiar too …
It suddenly developed a penchant for the color purple, sea food & Katy Perry !! god forbid .
No prizes for guessing who loves sea food , purple & Katy Perry…. Yes the new fuel source . IMH a 40 something body builder suddenly likes Katy flippin Perry… Lol .
I actually blushed with embarrassment for him when he posted it online like some love sick teenager . And then I started belly laughing 🙂
Good night last night HG ??
Yes I had a good time wearing my purple suit with a lobster on each shoulder as I danced to “Roar” and “I kissed a girl”
Hahah .. You’ve just ruined the image I had of you lol . Dance with your thumbs up too do you ? 🙂
No just pointing my fingers.
Never met a guy that liked Katty Perry! My teenage daughter tagged her dad on facebook to a video of katty perry and he freaked out 😂😂😂😂.
So Sad your ex was trying very hard to impress you I suppose. My ex is also 1.90 of muscle. He totaly freaked out because there were already comments 😂😂
I ❤️ Katty perry
Would be good to party tonight!!
Ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July
‘Cause baby, you’re a firework
Come on show them what you’re worth
Make them go, “Oh, oh, oh”
As you shoot across the sky
This song is great.
I can think of two reasons why men like Katy Perry.
Yes okay… Of course if not for the music every guy would like her. Agree.
One reason, she kissed a girl and liked it? Lol And the second reason?
N2 did as you . Pretended to like all I liked and after 6 months that he got tired of pretending. It was confusing to see we had ZERO in common. And then yes like you the critics started, control, silent treatment. The beginning of the end.
Same my ex-husband. Mimic not what I liked because we had lots in common, but pretended everything else in terms of life philosophy, principles, values, long term projects. All a lie.
I still remember how he told me that he felt so sorry for the animals being killed to be eaten, that he ate mear but with much regret… All lies. After we got married he devoured all kinds of meat .. All lies.
Of course it had to break apart like that.
I’m afraid to ask!! What is a Nantucket?? 🙂
An old person who pinches the last cookie from the jar.
HG- my narc came out today 😝
You know I didn’t last long at NC. I had to send her a sad, honest goodbye email asking some questions because I have to understand. She must have thought she was so clever by saying I would have to call her it’s not something to discuss through email. She understood if she didn’t hear from me.
It was so predictive. she passes every single narc test I give her, if I think if a new one, I’ll Intiate, she passes. I lose hope for the person I loved..
She gave me her final today. amusing as ever, but her answers were so obviously narcissistic i couldn’t believe she was exposing herself like that. in the morning :
Devil – It’s not about you!!
My gosh how many times do I have to keep saying that.
Me – it’s about everyone I get it
Devil – Yea but you make it about yourself.
Me -No. I’m just. Not going to drive up there with tank, after all I have been through and allow you treat me like a piece of waste- it doesn’t matter if u treat everyone like that
it’s not about me, or you. It’s about a human.
anyway. I do not know if this is good. Because I cannot let you talk about me as if I am a selfish person
because I have never been
I get that you are trying to protect yourself
That u have to make me be the selfish one so u don’t have to
But neither of us do
Devil – Sorry. I can’t do this.
I’ve told you what I needed. I’m not asking anything from you.
I’m selfish right now. Yes. I am. I have to be.
Me : you said for me to understand. But before I can give you what you need, what does understanding entail ?
Devil Goodness fucking gracious *my name” b
You’re giving me clammy hands and anxiety. Fuck!!!
Me : I’ll stop texting you if you want me to?
I am calm
Devil – There’s not much to understand. Don’t be an asshole.
Respect what I am telling you and the fact that I’m responding to you.
I treat you just like I treat everyone else. Even my family.
No one gets special treatments. If anyone is a stressor in my life. I cut them off.
Me – you’re leaving me speechless. so I don’t think you’ll have a problem.
Devil A Most people are until they get over themselves and realize it’s the one fucking thing I’m asking for.
I’m lucky to have a support system who when I snap or get irritated they understand that it’s not about them. And I don’t mean to do it. I’m still learning how to control my anger.
I’m sorry if you can’t handle it and think I should give you special treatment. I literally cannot deal with any negativity. I’m trying to get through hour by hour.
So, the conversations continued like that but after literally listening to how selfish and crazy and serious she was (like really?( watch her go
New – if you want something
U ask me. I am here. You don’t need to make any comments or be rude.
I won’t be that way back
Devil – I’ve already asked you a hundred times for what I want.
It is simple. But you can’t do it.
I’m not bickering with you back and fourth.
I can’t. For my sake and for me to function. I cannot.
I’m sorry you can’t understand that I can’t even put myself on a pedestal let alone anyone else.
Me – it’s simple but I can’t do it.
I’m just saying u don’t need to devalue me
Devil – Trust me I don’t speak to you any differently then I do others when I try to explain to them and they just don’t get it.
Me – stop comparing me to others
Devil – You don’t get it.
Me. I do get it, more than you know.
Devil – Then stop subjecting yourself to someone who is so horrible to you.
Me – I didn’t say you were horrible
Devil – This is my reality. If you can’t understand and still giving me shit for it. Then no.
Me – I said I understood.
Devil – Clearly you don’t.
That’s why I’m ceasing this convo.
Realize I tried to give you a chance so we can speak.
But again it’s about you somehow and how I need to treat you differently.
Me – I understand.
Devil – I have told you anything can set me off.
And you keep pushing. And pushing.
You never know when to fuxking stop.
Me – block me
Devil – You can’t put your shit aside after I told you how serious this is.
I’ve accepted the fact that you will never fully understand. You say you do. You understand no part of it.
And like I said if you did this conversation would have headed in a very different direction.
Me – How
Devil – I’m literally incapable of focusing on anyone else and it’s almost impossible for me to focus on myself. But I have to. If I want to live.
I don’t know how. But it wouldn’t set me off.
It wouldn’t make me angry.
You’re setting me off.
Me – I told you, I won’t bother you.
Devil – Yes.
It all comes back to you.
Have a good day.
You reached out to me. After you changed your number. Remember that.
Me – what does that mean ?
Devil – It means you can’t get over your shit.
So I am removing you.
I told you but you think I’m kidding.
Me – I don’t think you’re kidding
I did not want to have to do this.
did you notice where she said it did understand like I said I do she wouldn’t be angry ?
*I understand. Just because I don’t give her what she wants doesn’t mean I don’t understand her. It makes me sick to think that is how she would prefer me. To abuse me more. This is the worst it’s ever been. She was never so obvious or deluded. She wanted to change and to be able to have last relationships – she wrote me a letter. 2 years ago. 4 weeks ago she said it.
Now she wants to only fix herself and its depression. She told me to never contact her family – in a worse way when we broke up. like I not family when I was her fiancé and with them for 6 yrs. ha! Too bad I did and I found out her mother was paying her rent and that she put 600 on her card without asking. Her mother who she loved and didn’t want her to spend money on a plane ticket .. 60yrs old she’s doing this to her. So her mom and brother/sister in law are fed up. Looks like she cut our little circle out cause her NPD dad flew from Vietnam- her dad who caused her NPd. He is giving her all this money .. She’s demanding it. csuse she can’t work, she can’t think about anything but staying alive.
She just went back 6 years ago. Same life. She doesn’t want to change anymore cause she likes her new method of getting money and what she wants better.
She blocked me then contacted me for some more. It was hilarious. She wanted a converaion where she just talked- started screaming because I could never just not say anything I thought I knew everything. I was like ok bye after spoke and text her what a horrible convo. I was sarcastic in a lot of responses but she thought I was serious.
She made me FaceTime her so she could see the dog. I didn’t even want to look at her face – it disgusted me. So sad she made me see her, what a beautiful mask she had.
Is this her now ? Worse then she ever was? I think I could bring her back to functioning, i know I don’t owe her anything, but part of me feels like She is a child I took care of, and while I don’t owe her anything I can’t help but love her and want the best life for her. This can’t. Be what she wants. I am afraid she will lose everything and have no one.
Hello Miss CD, thanks for your post, I struggled a little to understand it all, but that is evidently the emotion flowing so you may not always read it back to check how it looks. Nonetheless, it is clear that you are in the maelstrom. The conversation is full of deflecting and denial, projection and pity. All classic manipulative tools. You cannot do anything for her. You must look to your own defences. I can tell that you will succumb to more of her overtures as she hoovers you but that is understandable as you are still very much in the middle of it all still. People take several attempts to escape. As I always advocate until you understand what has happened to you and what is happening now and what else will happen, you will just go round and round. You need to make sense of and understand what you are dealing with.Read my books, Manipulated, The Devil’s Toolkit and Fury will be good places for you to start and then work your way through others. Read this blog, read the comments and make use of the people who post here. They are intelligent, caring and well-rounded individuals who will offer you good advice. I tell you straight how it is from my perspective. It isn’t pleasant but it is effective. The posters will do the “fluffy” stuff which I am incapable of. You have a rare resource available to you and you need to use it to deal with the situation you face.
Its sad to say… Very sad but I would also think that taking distance is the best. 😓😓😓. Goood luck
Miss CD, As hard as this may be for you to do No contact is the way to go! You cannot change or help anyone that does not want to be helped! At times you may not like what HG writes only because it is the truth. You don’t want to believe that the person you love more then life it’s self is not real! But trust me in time you will be grateful to HG and the other women and men who contribute to this blog. Please be good to yourself and know that you are not alone! We have all been through it and are still learning and working to get back to who we once were before this nightmare happened. Bless you. Xx
Well put Fool Me.
The mimicry was T’s downfall in our short relationship and one of the ‘tells’ that put me on to him quickly. He loved to complain about his ex-wife and would often replay fights and arguments they had. He would literally draw tears in his face and sob, stamp his feet, replay her words in a falsetto voice while telling me their latest battle… all of which he had done to her as well while they were fighting. Huge red flags for me, I remembered the abuse and the mimicry and no matter how many times I told him I didn’t want to hear about it, he continued to devalue his ex to me every time they’d had an argument. They still live together of course, the fuel she provides is sufficient to keep him latched on.
The master, the King, the duke – something of a racehorse from good stock ?
Or
A patchwork quilt, a zonkey, bubble and squeak – something of a Mongrel ?
😘
What on earth is a zonkey?! Is that a cross between a zebra and a donkey?
Haha yes I was desperate and couldn’t think of any other insulting mish mash 🙂
You’re response was clearly to deflect any sting from the tail
I am a manticore.
And there was me thinking you were Typhon and I Athena
Typhon is entirely apt, but isn’t Athena meant to be calm and wise ?!
Me to a tee 😉 well maybe not the calm, but I’m definitely wise. Plus she was the only one to stand up to Typhon with no need to hide or disguise herself and also manipulated the top dog !
Fan of Dr. Seuss?
HG, if I didn’t know better, I’d swear that you are *my* narc…
We broke up 7 months ago (as you might imagine, there’s a whole other backstory there), but circumstances dictated that I had to see him again last week. He sat in front of me, and I could literally see the masks changing on his face as he flicked through his mental library to find something to convey regret and sincerity….but with a slight smirk.
He thought nothing of trying to pick up where we left off, with no explanation for his silences other than “My feelings, I have to prevent my feelings for you”…and then afterwards proceeding to ignore me once more when I sent him a text the next day.
I’m due to see him again next week – this *will* be the last time, and I would really appreciate your input on how I can ‘hurt’ him. I know he’ll never feel the same misery and pain he inflicted on me, that even my anger and disgust will be viewed with self-congratulatory smugness. But I guess I just want to find a way to show him that me and my emotions are no longer under his control, that I can see quite clearly who he is, and that when I leave, I’ll be going straight into NC…. Thoughts?
Hello Megan, you are absolutely right the masks flick across our faces as we find the right one as this arises from memory and not feeling. If you know to look for it this is a useful “tell” in respect of our kind. Yes we carry on as if nothing has happened. IN order to strike a blow against him I suggest you read No Contact and Revenge. Once done set out the circumstances to me of where you will meet and how and I shall offer you a suggestion specific to your scenario. This along with the knowledge you will have required from reading will give you what you want.
Thanks HG. I’d already read No Contact, but had a quick re-read today, and also read Revenge.
So, I’ll try to be as brief as possible in giving you the details of our meeting next week:
He’s a doctor; a family friend also, but I’d never visited him professionally, until last week as my own Dr is retired.(I had a medical issue and the only decent Dr in town for that is him…).
He was extremely professional during the exam, and I’d already promised myself I would make no mention of our relationship. As far as I was concerned, he was just any doctor treating me like any patient.
However, after the exam when we sat down after the results, he looked across at me and (as sincerely as he possibly could) said that he’d missed me dreadfully. But he’d had to suppress all his feelings for me (this was his excuse for never replying to my messages saying “Hi”, which ironically he’d asked me to send to keep in touch with him after he broke up with me…).
He then came round to (I thought) hug me, but then we kissed. I was so taken aback by the suddenness, I went along with it (and yes, also relieved after the months of pain I’ve gone through as I try to heal from his sudden discard).
As I was leaving, he asked if I could come again next week, and I agreed…
Before I even reached home, he called me twice and messaged. I felt something inside me come back to life.
Next evening I sent him a quick message “Hi, hope your having a good day”, nothing major, needy etc…. but he ignored it. I then messaged after another 3 hrs had passed to say “Please do reply when you get a minute. Whatever happens between us, no more silence…please”. Yep, he ignored that one too.
And so now, I’m due to see him on Tuesday and have heard nothing since from him. I *know* that the healthiest thing would be simply not to go….but you more than anyone know that once you’ve got us hooked, we’re hooked. Until we’re not.
I was doing so well with healing and detaching from him, I think it’s why I felt confident that I’d be able to handle seeing him again, and I was…until he pushed the boundary and I let him.
Sorry this is a bit lengthy!, but any advice on how to regain my dignity and hopefully rattle him at the same time would be very much appreciated!
Hello Megan, your post is very honest and of course that is one of the traits which makes you attractive to us. His hoover worked and his failure to reply to your messages (so you will message more) is giving him fuel as he doles out an immediate silent treatment. He is also ensuring that his control over you is being maximised. You at least know that your No Contact was working but you had not regained sufficient strength to interface with him. You sailed too close and thus made yourself a target for a hoover which worked. No doubt you will pay heed to this in future. What to do?
1. Do not meet him on Tuesday. Do not tell him you will not be meeting up. This will feel like a criticism to him and ignite his fury. He will need fuel and will keep pressing to contact you. Do not respond to any calls, messages and/or personal appearances. This will wound him more and he will be forced to retreat to find fuel elsewhere.
2. Instigate No Contact.
3. If you want to rattle him, I suggest sending a letter or e-mail (from an account which is created solely for this purpose) which is devoid of any emotion stating that his conduct during your consultation was unprofessional and breached professional conduct rules (I am not sure which country you reside in but it may be worth checking the rules but I would be surprised to find any medical regulatory body that would allow a doctor to kiss his patient and not take a dim view of it) and it merits a complaint. Do not say you are thinking about complaining, do not say you will complain, just write “it merits a complaint”. This e-mail will not give him any fuel, it will wound him as it criticises him and also it will keep gnawing at him because he does not know if you will do it or not as you have not stated what you intend to do. If he replies to the e-mail either ignore the reply or re-send the original message. He will be furious but unable to gain fuel from you. I leave it to you as to whether you wish to pursue the complaint.
Thanks HG, your feedback is very much appreciated.
Curiosity / compulsion are pulling me to see him tomorrow – I haven’t reacted to his silence this time (a first for me!) – and I want to see his face as I ask him why he says he misses me yet each day chooses to ignore me? I think that’ll make it easier for me to return back to NC afterwards.
If he tries to hoover me during that meeting then follows it with the same silent treatment, then I will definitely send an email calling into question his professional ethics (not something I’d be comfortable doing, but I guess questioning is personal ethics would actually provide him with more fuel…?!).
Sincere thanks once again.
You are welcome. It is a matter for you but this compulsion is what we generate in you in order to allow us to keep hoovering you. Your question will provide him with fuel and he will not provide a straight answer but will only use the opportunity to extract more fuel from you and continue to give you food for thought so you keep seeing him. This need for answers is what we aim for, so you keep thinking about us and keep coming back.
After tomorrow I have no reason to see him again. Previously, instead of asking why he’d go silent, I’d tell him how much his silence hurts and confuses me (from reading your posts, I understand this is a common / expected reaction).
During our relationship I spent most of the time feeling powerless. I’m now back in control of my own emotions and I think I just want to see him from this new viewpoint before closing the door… (I hope I don’t regret those words!)
Understood.Let’s see if that door is truly closed.
Megan, I know this post was for HG…..and I am a few days late in reading this…but please don’t continue to see this man professionally.
You might have to drive to the next town to find another Specialist….but for your health and sanity you must do this.
I’m a medical professional. We are here to HELP. Our job is to care for you overall health. Your stress levels must be off of the charts going to appointments with him!
I understand your frustration. I was discarded in an equally cruel fashion. After 6 weeks I pinned him into a conversation. He said he couldn’t stand the “sadness” of talking to me, and that’s why he was silent. He dodged real answers to questions just so I’d chase him….when I got wise to his game-he went silent again. This time I went no contact. I refuse to be disrespected for another minute…..I don’t deserve that and neither do you!❤️