Black Hole: The Narcissistic Hoover
Available now
Why and how does the black hole that is the narcissist hoover you?
US http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01D7OPOFQ
UK http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B01D7OPOFQ
28 thoughts on “Black Hole: The Narcissistic Hoover”
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Hello, I am totally new to this blog. In fact this is the first blog I have ever followed or replied to. I was married to a Narcissist for 22 years and had 4 biological kids and 1 that we unofficially adopted when he was 10. I am a homeschool mom and caregiver to my dad who has Lewy Body Dimentia. So needless to say my stress level is pretty high. I am in the middle of court battles with my ex. We have bred divorced for 5 years now and it NEVER stops. I did not figure out his Narcissism until this last year when I took my 17 year old to a psychologist. So, for the first 4 years after the divorce I made just about every mistake in the book. I kept trying to deal with him logically. He is EXTREMELY good at hiding his narcissism. He has totally convinced my 2 adult children that all those years when I was trying to protect them from their dad emotionally, that it was my fault that they didn’t think their dad loved them. Is their any hope of convincing them otherwise.? If I even suggest that their dad is wrong about something – especially my only daughter – they accuse me of bashing their dad. I am careful to only list facts, but it doesn’t seem to matter. My oldest son is actually a great guy and got a full ride to a private university at 16. He is a thinker. So I can reason with him some now that he is 24. He still refuses to think that his dad is still trying to control me. He wants to do the right thing, but has been totally duped by his dad. My daughter on the other hand will do and say anything to please her dad. She refuses to remember sitting on my lap as a teenager crying because her dad didn’t like her. I would try and convinced her that her dad loved her. I wasn’t very successful though. Probably because I didn’t believe it either deep down. Her dad didn’t even get mad when we found out that her boyfriend threw her. We later found out that he did a lot worse than that. My ex was not physically abusive, but constantly degraded me in front of the kids. And he would back me into walls, etc. I am sorry this is so long, but this feels therapeutic for me right now. Recently the courts appointed a GAL (guardian ad Lidam ) for the kids. I was so excited because the judge made my ex pay for it. When I went to talk to her I felt really good, but when we got the report back I fell to my knees and cried. She accused me of passing out with whiskey every night and said that I really didn’t take care of my dad. The crazy thing is that she gave me just about everything I had asked for. So she gave me more time with my kids, but accused me of passing out drunk every night. I know that this is because she talked to my daughter who will do or say anything for her dad. I have actually never even been drunk, much less passed out. My ex is also a deacon at his church!! I told his pastor that he had thrown me into a wall, all the pastor said was that it wasn’t his job to play detective. Is there any hope of getting my 21 year old daughter back? Also, I am thinking about filing a complaint against the GAL. I have many people who are willing to give a statement supporting me. People who have seen me taking care of my dad, day in and day out. I don’t know if it will make matters worse or help. I just don’t like that the judge has this report. I think he should see that there are many people that disagree with the GAL. I can’t legally ignore him, because then he tells the court that I am unwilling to communicate. I try to only communicate when absolutely necessary and then only in email. His wife has also attacked me. I have not decided if she is duped, or a narcissist herself. I am leaning towards narcissist. I can’t get over that the GAL accused me of passing out drunk every night, but gave me the extra time I was asking for. How does that happen. I am always being accused of putting the kids in the middle and trashing their dad. All I do is give them the facts. I have always been a straight forward type of person. I have always told my kids real life and not a bunch of fairy tales. If their pet dies, then I don’t make up stories. If their dad lies, I don’t cover up for him. But I don’t call him names. I am scared because my attourney says that the GAL report was the worst he has ever seen and that if my ex forces us in to court, I will probably loose my kids. My youngest is 13, the other 2 at home are 17, and 18. If you have any suggestions, I am open to try anything at this point.
Hello Becky, welcome to the blog and do excuse the delay in replying. I receive a lot of messages and the lengthier ones/ones with questions sometimes have to sit in moderation a while because I do like to read everything and reply (eventually). I am pleased that you have been finding the blog of use to you.
With regard to the GAL report, I have not seen the content of this report nor do I know the full background to it. It really is something that your attorney can and should advise you about. If it is especially unbalanced it seems to me, as a matter of common sense, that you ought to consider obtaining evidence to provide a balanced report but you have to remain mindful that in effecting “attacking” the GAL may go against you and indeed might be construed as you lacking insight into the apparent problems you have been described as having. Your attorney is the one who knows the case, has seen the report and his comment concerning you potentially losing your kids if the matter is forced into court should be heeded. He is either completely wrong and you need a new attorney or it is a risk and you need to consider how best to address that.
With regard to how your children regard their father, the problem you have is that you have been smeared. I suggest you read the book Smeared to understand why this has been done and to appraise yourself of the situation generally. You face a difficult situation concerning your children and their father for the following reasons
1. As a narcissist (as you have identified) he is convincing;
2. The children do not want to hear ill being said of their father;
3. They will not want to (or be given the impression they have to) take sides;
4. They just will not understand what narcissism is (unlike your 24 year old who is capable of reason)
You cannot force the facts at them. They will not understand them and they will backfire. You need to focus on caring for them, supporting them and hoping that your ‘good’ influence will come to bear (see the article Saving the Children for more) and when they are older you can breach the issue of what their father is but you must let them make their own minds up and not tell them what to think (which I understand is hard because of how badly you have been treated and your sense of injustice) but if you try to tell them what to think, with a difficult to grasp concept such as narcissism, it will backfire.
Do you have a order in which your books should be read?
Hello Lori, thank you for getting in touch. Where are you in terms of your relationship/experience with a narcissist? This will assist me in directing you to the right places for your reading.
H G I am lost for words and I’m thanking God I discovered your post . I have only read the post here and an article and it has already calmed my heart. My ex husband of two heart is brutal and does everything a N would do. Ignoring to no sex to strange detachment and then disappear and come as if nothing ever happened. I want REVENGE. How can someone do that when all a woman does is offer selfless love
Hello FA, to answer your question in a word ; fuel. To answer it more fully, keep reading.
I am conflicted about something written in Black Hole vs. Revenge that I think I need clarification on, if you are so kind to indulge.
In Revenge (and other books such as No Contact) you stress that the worst hurt a victim can inflict back to the narcissist is to ignore. To go No Contact. It is like the wooden stake in the vampire’s heart. It weakens them and begins to make them want to fight to exist to you again thus needing to be prepared for future hoovers.
In Black Hole, in an early chapter, you stress that once you have devalued and discarded and you are having no contact with us we are completely out of your mind. You are working on a new primary source and have supplementary sources and we have no place in your mind. There’s no lingering of memories. No ever presence on our part with a song, movie, scent, etc. You have no need to think about us and it would take a trigger by happen-chance to make us even pop in your head again. However, since Hoover fuel is so extra potent, devalue must always occur to bring about negative fuel that makes you feel so alive and powerful and makes you seek us out again.
If No Contact is supposed to sting, but you’re not even thinking about the victim responding to you because you’re so busy with other sources, how is this really getting to the Narc? Do you keep track if you reach out with a message / phone call / text and we don’t respond and two or three weeks go by, is that when you feel the sting of rejection? Or, is telling a victim to go No Contact simply the best way in trying to help them recover by getting them weaned off of the Narc?
If I ignore a tepid hoover attempt by the Narc, is he even noticing that I’m ignoring him for a change or is he doing it to so many it’s just a matter of who responds to him first and like a sheep his head just turns in that direction?
It is all a question of timing and when things happens.
1. Let us say you go NC and give us no warning. We work out after a day or two that we cannot locate you let alone contact you. Our primary source has dried up straight away. This really does weaken us through the loss of fuel and ignites our rage as it is a criticism. Accordingly it hurts us by weakening and wounds through criticism. We apply a Grand Hoover but it does not work. The pain for us continues. We THEN shift to a new primary source and focus on them, forgetting about you. You have caused us considerable pain by going NC. Over time you may come within our sights. We apply a Follow-Up Hoover but you resist, this wounds us again as it is a criticism of us. Accordingly, your continued NC will hurt us. Yes if we send an e-mail or message and there is no response it ignites our fury and burns until we can repair the injury with fuel from elsewhere.
2. We discard you. We have a new primary source. Chances are you will not go NC and you will be clamouring to be with us, seeking answers and so on. Your distress provides negative fuel. We do not hoover you as we have no need to. We have a new primary source and you are providing negative fuel too. You give up on your attempts to be with us and then go NC. At this stage in this scenario the fact that you have stopped clamouring for our attention is a criticism that wounds us. You should be pestering us still (even though we have told you not to – our usual hypocrisy) and the fact you have stopped amounts to a criticism in our eyes. We may then attempt a Hoover. If your NC holds, this wounds us again. We concentrate on other fuel and forget about you until you come in our sights again and we try and hoover again.
If you ignore a tepid hoover from your narc, he will be wounded by it. However, as you write, if he is hovering several people then when one responds he gets the delicious Hoover fuel and also the fuel to repair your wounding by ignoring him and he will head in that direction.
Ok, I think I understand now! Thank you for a very insightful answer!
Pleasure.
Brilliant! HG, I bought this yesterday after church and I finished it before bed! It answers many questions…..I feel my most recent exN is planning a big move with me…but I can’t be sure what it is. He is getting more clever trying to Hoover me…..
I ready for that fool THIS TIME!!!
Thank you, do post a review, glad you found it helpful.
I sure will!
nikitA, in the uk there is brand of vacuum cleaners which are called Henry
LOL thanks for the explanation Alexis. Never heard of that brand.
I’m second, but it was written especially for me 😉
Ha ha, you will be the first UK customer I am sure.
Does your aitch stand for Henry HG ?
No.
For HOOVER?? I am reading 😃
It stands for Hero.
Okay. Makes sense!! You are my hero with your books and your excellent way of writing.
Thank you Nikita.
Hmmmmm I meant as in the Hoover !
I know you did. My house is called Dyson though if that helps.
That would explain the level of suction then. Mine must have a hand held
I have it!!! I Did not have to stay up all nite!!!
Sleep well HG 💋
Im the first one Right?
Without a doubt, that was quick ! Thank you.