You Need Help
We do not seek treatment. The answer to why that is the case is a simple one. There is nothing wrong with us. Occasionally we may be compelled to undergo treatment but that is a different matter. We feel no compulsion at all to volunteer to be subjected to analysis and therapy because there is nothing wrong with us. Yes, we know that our treatment of other people is often unpleasant and has significant downsides to those who are subjected to it but that still does not amount to a good reason why we should seek some form of assistance. The way we behave is the way we behave. Deal with it. We cannot help but act this way because it is the way we have been designed. We must obtain our precious fuel and if that means we lash out and wound others, emotionally and physically then that it is the price that has to be paid. By you.
You must also remember that since we have no concept of empathy, when we see our behaviour injure others it does not affect us. We do not feel guilt, we do not feel shame at what we have done and we do not feel the need to put right the injurious harm we mete out to others. This is our modus operandi and it can never be changed. Add to that our lack of remorse and you have two huge reasons why we will not act to seek treatment to change our ways.
Naturally, there will be times where we will talk about seeking treatment.
“I need help, I know that now. You are the only one who can do it.”
“If I seek assistance for this terrible affliction, will you stay and help me?”
“I don’t know why I do it, perhaps I need help. Will you help me?”
“I need you. Don’t go. You have to save me from myself.”
“I will change, I will go and see somebody, just don’t leave me, please.”
These are all empty promises. Remember, words comes easy to us. We will dangle these carrots of penance and insight in order to get you to do what we want. Once that has been secured and you try to cash the cheque that we have written you will find the bank has not only been closed but razed to the ground. It is not a question of there being nothing to cash it against, there is nowhere to cash it.
Treatment is for the weak and foolish. To submit to it is an admission of weakness. In the rare instances that we will, it is only to enable us to get something else that we want or to prevent something drastic happening to us and thus we regard the pay-off as one worth making. We do this safe in the knowledge that any treatment will not be effective because:-
- We use our manipulative wiles to con the person treating us into concluding that there is nothing wrong with us;
- We spend the time trying to charm the therapist and this may work or if they are alive to our manipulation they are forced to terminate the work;
- We do not want to change and see the therapist’s actions as a direct challenge which we must thwart. Our energy is channelled into frustrating and defeating him or her and not applying ourselves to the treatment.
- We treat the treatment as a form of fuel.
22 thoughts on “You Need Help”
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I learned the hard way, with my (hopefully) soon to be ex-husband, that everything you say in this post is quite true and accurate. It has been amazing to me to discover how nearly identical behaviors are amongst narcissists.
Have you gained any insights at all from your therapy? I’m very curious as to how it is going.
I would also like to ask your advice. My husband is currently fighting me for custody of our daughter, who is a toddler. I suspect that his motivation is two-fold: to prolong the divorce battle (as there is really not much of anything else to fight over) and to use her as much as possible to control and manipulate me. This must provide him with a nearly endless supply of fuel. Do you think there is any way to cause him to lose interest in me and her? I have implemented no contact to the extent possible but cannot cut him off entirely since I am obligated to communicate with him to some degree because of our daughter. When I do see or communicate with him, I try to be as matter of fact and emotionless as possible, and I am getting better at this over time. Is there any way to persuade him to just go away and leave us alone?
Yes I have gained a greater awareness of what I am and my behaviours. The work is ongoing and more articles will follow on this. You are doing everything right in order to diminish his interest in you and your daughter. You are correct about his motivations for the custody battle. You cannot persuade him to go away. Any such discussion is futile and likely to be fuel (dependent on how it is delivered). You must maintain the approach you have adopted, see out the custody battle and then continue this emotion-free minimal approach post custody battle. I envisage that over time because he will not get fuel from you (or through your daughter) he will deal with you less and less and move on to other sources. It will take time and because of the child connection he will never vanish but you are doing the right thing to reduce his interest and the need to interact with you.
Thank you so much for your reply. I have not attempted any discussion with him regarding what might persuade him to go away, as I suspected that it would be useless at best or possibly make things worse than they already are.
I am concerned that he will use our daughter as a fuel source when she gets a bit bigger, and I cringe at the thought of him using his tactics to manipulate her emotions. He has 2 children from a previous marriage, and he pits them against each other. One is perfect in his view, and can never do wrong, and the other he despises and that poor child can never do anything to please him.
Do you have children? Can you offer any advice in this regard?
Thanks again for your reply. Your insights have been truly invaluable in helping me to realize what my husband truly is.
Your concerns are justified. No I do not have children. I took a conscious decision not to have any for my own reasons. You are most welcome for theinsights. He is creating images of himself with his two children from a previous marriage. He will, given his track record, use your daughter for fuel or triangulate her with you for the purposes of drawing fuel from you. You will have to look to minimise his interaction with her and rather than call her father’s behaviour or try and persuade her that he is not right (this wont work as I have seen this happen) you will have to encourage anti-narcissist behaviour in her e.g. sharing, appreciation for other people, consideration for others less fortunate, the benefit of hard work rather than expecting to be handed things on a plate etc.I am sure you do that anyway but an emphasis on these traits will go some way to countering his influence along with obviously showing her balanced love.
Hi Jaded
Is it not sad to separate your girl from her dad? I also have children with N’s and I think the relationship with their dad is ver worth. Unless there is violence which is not the case.
Would you not be willing to become and active part in keeping that connection inbetween your daughter and her dad?
I never said anything about separating him from our daughter, but I do hope that he will lose interest and go away. He is emotionally and sometimes physically abusive, and extremely controlling. I have seen the effect this has had on his other children. He is incapable of being a real father. Why would I encourage that sort of influence in her life?
Hi Jaded,
Sorry I interpreted your desire that her dad forgets her like you wanting to separate them. I see your concerns and its very sad for all of you. Specially for your girls because they do need a male figure in their lives.
Of course you know better what is good for your girl.
Good luck.
Ahhh I read too fast.. You mean you continue part II Red Riding Hood. I get it now… Looking veeery much forward to that one. Was a piece of reading!!!! Was just wow!!!!
Yes what you say above is very true. A Narcissist will always be a narcissist. They can never change their manipulative ways, it comes almost like natural to them and to me it seems like if they would not know otherwise.
They can be wonderful ( mask according to HG) , but if you cross them ( feel critiscized) you will be subject to abuse, no matter if 5 minutes you were having the best time.
Sam V says that. The abuse will always come. Have no doubt about this.
It is a relationship that requieres alot of efforts from the other person. 10 times the effort than a relationship with a non narcissist.
It requieres almost all from the other side.
Submisiveness, flexibility, a whole load of patience, again a whole load of patience,
Comprehension, silence, not talk nor fight back, acceptance…
Etc etc etc
From the side of the narcissist they must know what they are and just try to live with their demonds ( word fromN3) the best way possible.
They will always feel rage always, some learn to control it by a breathing technique… Or some other given type of rage comtrol.
Lash back in a non primitive way, means without insults etc .
So some narcs enhance themselves in a way that when you have alot alot alot in common with the N, there can be an interesting and unique type of relationship.
My opinion from a whole life surrounded by narcissist in all instances of my life.
Family, friends, work, romantic…
Nevertheless when you read the posting above.. You get just one word in your head …. And this is one is RUN.
Maybe we should get the continuation of little Red Riding Hood HG… Now that you start with the scary stories!! ☀️☀️
I may just do that Nikita.
Look forward!!!! All your readers we deserve to get a glimpse of masked HG 😘
And when do you write one with the mask on then? On how funny, fun, interesting, intelligent and knowledgeable you can be ❤️❤️. Of course with your mask on!!!
But also worth the write!!! 😘
And then you come along and make things crystal clear…
Yup.
mm I think my ex narc did want to change for a hot second after we got engaged considering the 20 page letter she wrote trying to explain that something was wrong with her …
but really lol, she said she wasn’t writing it for me, or because I wanted to but for the fact the future of our relationship depends on it.
So, she only wanted to change for herself – so that SHE COULD have a “forever”. she didn’t want to change because of anything other than a selfish reason so in reality she didn’t want to change at all.
once she didn’t want that forever anymore she pretended the letter was nothing.
Ahhhhh yes… in all ways you seek to extract fuel… even this blog- people that praise your writing, your honesty, your intelligence, all provide a source of fuel. Look at all of the peasants bowing at your feet. You gloat, don’t you? Still all of their admiration is not nearly as satisfying as pulling apart a fresh soul bit by bit. Watching the destruction you can cause; a master of creating chaos for others. You see this all as a sign of strength. You feel superior. Trying to explain what you are missing is like trying to describe the sunset to a blind man- you may get the idea but you miss it in all of its splendor. You do not understand true joy and for that reason have no idea what you lack. Of course you won’t chase the things that you do not grasp and therefore do not value. You will come and go like those before you but you will miss what makes humans more than machine…
Sorry but are you calling us readers peasants?
a poor farmer of low social status who owns or rents a small piece of land for cultivation
Again name calling on the blog and not coming directly from the narcissist…..
😱😱😱😱
I was using verbage that a person of his thinking would use to indicate lesser beings… if he is a king- we are peasants, if he is the wolf, we are the prey… are u so engulfed in his writing that you have lost sight of what u are in his mind?
Hi Angel
Hmmmm seems your turning the story around. But anyway thats communication. You give out a message and in more than 50% of the time its not received exactly as you wanted it.
And of course I am engulfed in his writing and lost sight of everything. He is a narcissist. Its supposed to be like that 😃
Nar-cis-sism
Noun
The total inability or desire to step into the shoes of another person to understand their feelings or perspectives to guide their actions. Has the ability to imitate empathy to con another person into believing they possess this to achieve a specific agenda to gain trust and acceptance into that person’s life to gain control and inflict personal, emotional, and psychological harm to them.
The faulty wiring in your head that causes grave harm to your loved ones does necessitate you needing treatment as I’m sure Dr. E and Dr. O would attest.
I’ve heard those empty promises more than once 😔
I hope my ex narc ends up a sad lonely man with very low grade fuel if any and the beast within punishes him for all the hurt he’s caused others. Live by the sword, die by the sword !
HG unplugged and uncovered?
Or is it the beautiful full moon that we have today?
You want us to see the real master true Narc you can be?
The article is excellent. If we all would not habe been through that, it would just be enough to read you to understand. Like always.
But the Narc you describe above is very generic. I would prefer the enhanced molecule which has little but significant improvements compared to the genric copy. Its always a much better medicine than the generics.
I am sure you are not a generic brand HG!!!