Going Out? Let’s Go to War!
We do not like you to socialise without us. Why would you want to be anywhere other than by our side marvelling at how brilliant we are? Why on earth would you want to spend time with someone who is clearly inferior to us? What are you up to by going out with someone else? You are clearly being disloyal and that does not please us. Moreover, you are not providing us with any fuel by asserting some form of independence and that is a terrible and selfish thing for you to do. We do not like you to spend time with other people since we fear that they exert some malign influence over you. We know they will be trying to undermine us in your eyes and turn you against us. We know it is because they are jealous of what we have together and rather than be pleased for you, they are smearing my good name. You want to listen to them as well, otherwise why would you be going? Our careful and structured control of you, our calculated isolation of you, all stand to be damaged by your socialising with those who we have not control over. We tried but for some reasons there are two or three of your friends who proved immune to our charm. I should feel sorry for them since they are selfish, bitter and twisted, but I don’t feel sorry for them because I don’t feel sorry do I, only for myself. I want you with me, where I can keep an eye on you and control you. I want you here where you are supplying me with fuel. This is your rightful place and by organising to go out for your meal with these friends you are telling me that I am not good enough to spend time with. You are criticising me and that wounds me. I have to stop you wounding me. I have to stop you going. I have to maintain the upper hand. Thus because of your selfish behaviour the Battle of Going Out is joined.
“You never said that you were going out,” I begin as I see you getting ready in the bathroom. You halt applying your make-up and turn to me.
“Yes I did, I told you last week and again this morning.”
“No you didn’t.”
“Yes I did, I remember.”
“No you did not. I would have remembered if you had told me,” I answer.
” I put it on the calendar.” You walk to the kitchen and return holding a calendar with the words ‘Girls meal out – Leonardos’.
“See?” you ask and jab a finger at the words.
“That? I thought that was referring to your nieces, not you, you never said.”
“Seriously? Come on, why would my nieces be going to Leonardo’s on their own?” you ask.
“You’ve just written that in when you were fetching the calendar. Look, the ink is still dry.”
You sigh in exasperation.
“I told you about it, it is in the calendar. I have not been out in weeks.”
“Well neither have I,” I comment.
“What? You were out last Friday,” you answer voice rising.
“That was with work.”
“It was still going out,” you reply.
“That is not the same. You know I have to schmooze clients, it is hardly pleasure. I have to do that for business reasons so I think you are being unfair by saying that is a night out for me.”
“Those clients you were out with are your friends, it was a right piss up.”
“Oh sorry, I forgot, you were there weren’t you, you know all about how I conduct my business don’t you?” I declare.
“No I don’t but they are your friends.”
“So I am not allowed to have clients who are friends now am I? Jesus, why don’t you just stop me from having any friends at all eh? Why not stop me going anywhere? You would like that wouldn’t you? Just having me stuck in here all the time.”
“What are you talking about, I let you do as you please.”
“No you don’t. You are determined to keep me on a leash. My friends take the piss out of me for how little time I get to spend with them.”
You halt your application of the lipstick.
“Who has said that?”
“Several people. Jim, Richard and John. They say I am under the thumb.”
“Huh, they have a cheek, Jim is completely under the thumb of Jessica.”
“No he’s not, but you just change the subject why don’t you. You should be staying in with me you never want to do that anymore.”
“Don’t be silly, I am with you most of the time. Look it is just an informal meal with a few of my friends, it is no big deal.”
“If it is not important then why do you have to go?”
“Because I want to,” you answer.
“Where are you going?”
“You know that Leonardo’s.”
“Really? Who with?”
“Jane, Sarah, Mary and Stephanie, oh and Carrie.”
“I don’t believe you, you have just made that up.”
“What? No I haven’t.”
“You are meeting a man aren’t you? Come on who is it?”
“No you are being stupid.”
“Don’t call me stupid. I am not the one going out and leaving their other half on their own,” I begin to shout and you jolt at the sudden change in volume.
“You are up to something, you have a different perfume on. Who is he?”
“Seriously, you are paranoid, I am meeting the girls.”
“No I am not, who do you think you are saying that to me, you are messing around. I know you are. You have been acting strangely the last few weeks. I know you are. Admit it,” I move towards you and stand over you barking into your face. You back away, eyes widening fearfully.
“I haven’t, honestly, I haven’t.”
“I should let you go anyway you whore, I don’t know I bother with you. I was planning a pleasant evening in for us. I was going to cook you your favourite and I have a delicious bottle of Chablis chilling but as usual you are being selfish.”
“Please don’t shout at me, I am just going out with my friends, I am allowed to have some friends aren’t I?”
“Not those harpies, they have it in for me, I hate them. I hate you.”
“Oh please don’t be like that, look I will be back by ten at the latest so we can still have some time together,” you suggest.
“Is that supposed to make me feel pleased? Why would I want to spend time with you, you slut. I see, you want to have your way with him and then rub it in my face. You are such a bitch.”
You have backed away from my tirade, wincing with each bellowed sentence. This allows me to snatch up your clutch bag.
“You can’t go out with no keys and no money,” I say holding the bag aloft.
“Please I only want to see my friends, I rarely see them as it is, please give me my bag back, why are you being so horrible?”
“Because you are cheating on me. I am not having you spend our money on some other man.”
“There is no other man, how many times do I have to tell you? Please let me go.”
“No. You are not going. You are staying here with me.”
“I can’t cancel, not this late,” you say in dejection.
“Of course you can. He does not matter.”
“There is no he. It is the girls.”
“So you say. You are not going. If you do that is me and you finished.”
“What, just because I want to see my friends?” You slump on to the bed, shoulders hunched and your head in your hands.
“You don’t need them, you have got me.”
“Why does it always have to be like this, every time I try and do something you do this,” you protest and your voice breaks with the first sob of frustration.
“No I don’t stop trying to blame me when you are at fault,” I growl.
“You always do this, make feel guilty or do something to stop me going out.”
“Rubbish, you are making things up again. You are just trying to make me feel bad for you. It won’t work you know that.”
You begin crying as I stand power surging through me.
“Here,” I order as I pull your phone from your bag and throw it down on the bed besides you, ” ring them and tell them you can’t make it, say you don’t feel well or something. I will pour the Chablis.”
Still sobbing you fumble for the phone and pick it up before dialling the number. I stand triumphant drinking deep of the fuel you have given me during this exchange. I have won the battle once again and this time I did not even have to escalate it like I did last time. I suppose that was just as well really seeing as how you had only just replaced those mirrors I smashed.
22 thoughts on “Going Out? Let’s Go to War!”
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My ex was all about controlling me pure abs simple. There was no separation anxiety it was just pure rage I’d want to do something when it didn’t suit him.
This is painful. 😢 He fights like this every time. But it’s easier this way, to submit. Independence causes extreme daggers of insecurity and panic to go in him, and he can barely conceal what for him must be the equivalent of my anxiety attack, although it presents differently in him. There can be a genuine fear triggering the narcissistic rage, i believe in the overcompensatory sense. Because you are a greater, you are not chained to your ways.
So H.G. what happens when you accuse over and over and we tell you there isn’t another man but we switch things up and say yes you are right, there is? What does that do to your fuel intake? If we take the power of engaging and proving there isn’t and just agree?
Good question Lake15.
1. A Lesser would call you a disgusting whore and give a verbal lashing and possibly a physical one too to draw more more fuel;
2. A Mid-Range would make you feel guilty and then seek pity plays from third parties;
3. A Greater would accept this as evidence of his control and punish you later.
All three would add it to your growing list of treacherous behaviours to bring out in the future.
Thank you HG.
You just confirmed my N is a “greater” so to speak. Are greaters the worse?
I have been in therapy for co-dependency for years. I felt like I was going in circles in my relationship. Only to be told I have C-PTSD from this relationship, but recently found I was a Empath and with your site and the knowledge of myself I can see why I am doing this over and over. I think back over four years ago, he suggested we get our names tattooed on each other. I fell for it. Your knowledge has given me so much more perspective than any therapist ever has. I finally feel like I have “one” up on him, and I have you to thank.
You are welcome.
O my god. I always wondered if they were doing this on purpose, or if they were not processing info efficiently. How many times do you have to scream “I’m not seeing a man?!!!” , now I see the narc knows it, he just gets high off the whole thing wow.
what if she was never without You unless You choose it?
So true, this exchange. If the convo was jumbled up enough, he moved to a different tactic by saying the purpose of the night out was that I wanted to sleep with my best girlfriend.
In ref to your last line “smashed mirrors” what’s up w that??? Amongst other thing my N punched out 5 of my mirrors!!!!
I’m so glad I got out after just 5 months and wasn’t successfully hoovered again. If my narc started smashing/throwing things that would have been so bad for me since I’ve experienced that before.
My narc found me again on a dating site and wished me a happy birthday. Ewww. I may have to read revenge because I realise I will only ever be 100% free of him in death, so I might as well see if I can F something up.
My ex narc finished with me one time. We’d had a wonderful day out together and a friend text me to see if I’d make numbers up at a makeup evening. I ask if he minded he said no, he even dropped me off. I text him when I got home at 10 pm. The following day bang a text message saying I’m sorry I’m not in a good place right now, in working all the time and ill. I really think you deserve someone who can be there for you. I’m not in a place right now for a relationship I know I pushed for it and I hope one day you can forgive me.
I was dumb struck, 2 weeks later he was messaging to see if I fancied popping round he had his parents dog( mine has just died) line a fool I went round. All his family where there and they were acting like they thought we were a couple. I questioned him he said do t spoil it lets all go for a meal. He then after the meal said how about we go out next weekend .. Just as friends. He then sucked me back in the following weekend. He was crying saying how much he missed me and he was sorry he thought I’d met someone else and that’s why he did what he did.
Now I know it was about fuel and hoovering me back up.
I can’t answer for him, but I’m just as jealous, and make assumptions when left unsupervised for too long. My ex now starts out days ahead telling me when he’ll be gone, and the time, then warns me again, then the day of i have activities to do so i won’t be scared. (Complex ptsd/separation disorder) I’m a dork but I’m touched that he does this for me.
Hi Amber so sorry to hear about your troubles. I have replied but not sure if it has appeared yet. But my ex narc didn’t have separation anxiety or anything like that it was all about controlling and nothing more x
Like the D& D cycle, this is also a very common characteristic of narcissists, you just loose your liberty totally and completely. Meeting a friend is an adventure. I had to announce it like months before and now know if it would really happen, or what sabotage before to expect. If the sabotage did not come before, and I did really make it to meet my friends, the punishment of morning ST, making faces, cold look, bad mood, etc etc was for sure coming.
No mirrors smashed but it was a very energy draining experience until you prefer just not to go out anymore….
He of course would go out bowling or whatever whenever he wanted 😡.
This is really difficult to manage.
Is there an N who allows their GF/wife to spend some time with friends without a drama?
I would be very surprised to find there is one Nikita.
My husband does it without any drama. He definitely doesn’t like it, but he respects me. He understands that I need to socialize from time to time. He calls me pretty often during my “outs” and always asks the same question “Everything is alright?”. “Yes.” “Just checking.” When I back he asks me zellion questions about event. Who was there. What we were talking about. What we were drinking. Etc…etc. I tell him everything and we laugh together upon something funny. We never had any problem with it.
I have to say, that I go out with my friends pretty rarely, because I prefer to spend my time at home with him and our son. He goes out with his friends pretty rarely too for the same reason. We both prefer the sanctuary of our home.
I can but they have a vetting process that’s stricter than for a Muslim from a terrorist country getting into the u.s. And he never tells me i cant have other friends. Just makes it hell so that theres no other option. His most effective method is to just stay in a bad mood, but make no comment, until i see the error of my ways, then i give up the friendship, whereby he becomes very pleasant again.
My Golden era lasted an exceptionly long time. What I mean by that is I was duped into thinking he was crazy about me and he behaved as such most of the time, when he wasn’t getting drunk and texting his ex wife or behaving like a jealous fool or being insensitive to parental obligations or my stomach wasn’t going nuts with anxiety about something being “off”.
He was very clever about the way he hoarded my time. He knew I had come out of an abusive relationship and so instead of getting angry when I had plans, he made sure to always join. Silly me was so affection starved I was flattered by all the attention he showered me with. I thought he really enjoyed my company! It was the fuel of course! And he needed to protect it.
Absolutely Bethany and a further example of how we attune to the nature of our victim’s and alter our game plan accordingly.
True my last N did the same. Always always joined me. But I did notice it was because he did not want me to go alone rather than he enyojing the plan with my friends… But I then thought, at least he does not oppose to it … Good!!!!