Fool to be Kind
T
The concept of fooling is central to our relationship with you. We fool you. You feel a fool. We fool you again. You vow no more the fool. The problem you face is that we fool you across so many fronts when we first target you that you have no chance to avoid being fooled. We are experts at creating this charming façade to lure you in. We have done it so many times with all those people we have chosen as our intimate partners so that we have an extensive practised ease by which we can slip through the defences of any of our victims. We have fooled not just the intimate partners but everyone we come into contact with as they are fooled into believing that we are pleasant, kind, generous, entertaining and wonderful. We fool people as easily as you draw breath. Thus, is it any wonder that you were conned so readily? Of course not. You had no chance but that still does not make you feel any better does it? How many times have you remarked to yourself or to others about how could you, an intelligent, resourceful, independent and observant person fall foul of our odious trickery? With hindsight it is all so obvious. The red flags fluttered from the very beginning, the warning klaxons sounded loud and harshly, the sirens screeched and the warning lights blazed brightly but you did not see any of them. Or if you did, it was from the corner of your eye and you did not pay them much regard because your vision was focused on the amazing, the sensational, the glittering, the charming and the delightful person that was playing his pipe and leading you on a merry dance.
Our entire lives are spent engaged in fooling people. We fool you with our kindness. Our appearance comes with such delightful behaviours that you cannot help but become entranced by them. We show you such attention, such flattery, such desire and passion. Such love. We make you fools for this love. We spread the golden, glittering and sparkling dust all around us and every time you succumb to its allure. You leave reason by the garden gate. You pop your scepticism in the cupboard under the stairs and do not let it out again for a long time. Your critical assessment of a situation is switched off line. You throw caution out of the window unaware that your confidence, self-esteem, finances, sanity and health will all be following in the fullness of time. A fraudster only takes your money. We take much more than that as a consequence of our confidence tricks. When the curtain is pulled back to reveal what we are, assuming you actually reach that point of course, you will berate yourself for having fallen for our fraudulent activity. How could you have been so stupid? How could you have not seen the signs? You knew something was not quite right but did not do anything about it. We have heard these protestations and more besides from all those who have fallen prey to our charm. How could I have been so foolish?
The way we fool you with our love is all by design. From selecting those of you who best suit our needs and who will be fooled most readily by us, through to the calculated adherence to the cycle we pull you into. We fool you into falling in love with us. We fool you into thinking that that the abusive behaviour that we subject you to is just a aberration. We fool you into thinking that our harsh treatment of you is somehow your fault and is deserved. We fool you into remaining with us, desperate to rekindle the golden period despite the horrible manner in which we behave with you. We fool you into another glimpse of heaven in order to keep you by our side. We fool you into thinking that it was your fault that you were so callously discarded. We fool you into thinking that we have changed and this time it will be different as we successfully hoover you back into the warped fantasy once again. Everything and I mean everything we do is all about conning you, pulling the wool over your eyes, tricking you, deceiving you, we dupe you, we hoax you, we fiddle you and diddle you over and over again. Everything we say is false. Everything we do is designed to perpetuate this gargantuan con trick,this extensive fakery and the grand illusion.
We can only achieve our aims through this deceitful behaviour. Behaving in an honest and genuine fashion will get us nowhere and thus we must always resort to fooling everyone we come into contact with. From the person we see every morning when we walk to the coffee shop who thinks we are polite and well-mannered through to our spouses and partners who think they have hit the jackpot when they are first seduced by us, all we do is fool people. It is all we know. Our entire life is built on a foundation of fakery but it is built with such expertise and magnificence that nobody ever questions it. Why would they when they are caught in the mesmerising glare of our charm ?
We fool the foolish and in so doing we leave people in our wake stunned as to how they fell for our trickery and beguiling nature, but we have always done it and we will always do it. We manage to fool some people all of the time, look at those attentive secondary and tertiary sources, the unsuspecting friends and the oblivious bar tender. We fool all of the people, some of the time, consider yourself in this category as we fool you for as long as we can before the harshness of devaluation and discard appears. We fool left, right and centre. Most of all though, we fool ourselves.
49 thoughts on “Fool to be Kind”
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Reading this relieves me. I can’t believe I’m actual laughing and smiling . You get the credit H G .These writings are helping me . I may still feel like the stupid fool , but at least I wasn’t the only fool. Life will get better after all. This givese hope. Thank You 😂
Did they react with suprise?
I’m guessing maybe anger?
He wouldn’t accept it.
He isn’t on the blog. He messaged me on FB. I don’t think English is his first language.
Is this someone who thought their ex was a narc or their ex told them they were a narc?
(Probably a stupid question)
Thought their ex was. Of course one is only getting one side of the story.
I have a question HG! Have you ever had angry narcs message you?
I have had someone message me who is a narcissist but does not realise it and who alternates between anger, self-pity, attention seeking and admiration.
Have you told them what they are?
Yes.
Lmao Evan711
Mine told me he loved me after 2 weeks but face to face and I was like lol all this talking it’s too much!
I thought he was just a bit naive.
But what I should have done was to throw his arse out my house and block his number!
I put it down to immaturity…lol…. I thought he was “odd” I gave him time to grow on me…What a mistake and what a lesson… A long, painful, frightening, lesson… Had I listened to my gut , I would have walked in the other direction… He was so angry when I didn’t answer him, “I love you .” I was too stunned and then got my first silent treatment…
Hi Evan,
My narc was so odd and feminine which I find attractive 😛
But because he had a tendency to put on an act of naivety and childlike innocence, I thought it was down to not having a lot of serious relationship experience.
He didn’t get angry with me when I didn’t say it back however, he’ll just be like “we’ll of course we love each other.”
Once he said, “no one will love you like I do” I should have back handed him…I mean, I should have dumped him from then. But he apologised and said it’s because he felt insecure and I fell for it! :3
I cannot wait to read tomorrow’s article HG !!
Mine would literally condition me into paying him compliments during love bombing. At this stage I still thought he was a weirdo too and only said these things because i pitied him.
He would text and tell me I was gorgeous or something and I would reply with a thank you. He would then literally tell me to tell him the Same, I did but felt really uncomfortable doing so as I did not at all think he was ?
Later on he would say what a good day he’d had because I’d told him he was gorgeous, he was this he was that he was the other !!! But how can you like compliments which you’ve controlled someone into saying to you?? It honestly made me cringe at the time as I found him quite odd !!
I read all these comments and it makes me feel slightly better that I was not the only fool. Mine wrote I love you on my arm within the first 36 hours we were together. My friends talked me in to trying a one night stand (oh how I wish I had stayed with my moral beliefs) Then one week was the actual “I love you” that came from his lips, I have never loved anyone like you before, he told me… then nine days in, he asked me to have his baby. How perfect that would make our life he said… I was 46 at the time and did not agree to it. I thank God everyday that I was not that “sucked in” Then 12 days in, he asked if he could move in with me and by the end of our first month (against several warnings from friends and family) I let him move into my home. Three months in came the punch in the face. I stayed and had the charges dropped. Oh what a fool I was. Then the cheating and the lies and the money…. all for someone and something that was never real. I am very fortunate that I have loving, supportive friends and family. I am on the road to recovery. He has been with three women so far in the the first 10 weeks of our breakup. The third he is now living with and engaged to (so I have been told). They celebrated their two month anniversary yesterday in fact. BTW…. they are both still married and have four children each…well he has five, one that he has never met. I thank my lucky stars, that I only endured that relationship for 11 months before I got out. Now in therapy, single (gonna stay that way for a long time) I am working on my Co-Dependency issues and learning how to love myself. I find this articles very interesting and helpful. I read them every single day….. Thank You <3
Hello Holly and thanks for your post. I am pleased you find the articles interesting and helpful. I must admit as I read your post I wondered if you had an advance copy of Red Flag as several textbook seduction redflags appeared to you. No, you were not the only fool, you weren’t even a fool, you were fooled though. Like the thousands upon thousands and thousands of others. How long were you with him and what caused it to end?
Hmmm so if we’re the fool, you’re the fools gold ?
Great articles today HG. It’s so true we really are fooled despite the red flags we somehow choose to ignore.
It never even entered my head before that people would lie and deceive over things that don’t even need to be lied about or other things that are on such a grand scale that no one would suspect that anyone could lie about such abhorrent things.
Indeed Alexis and thanks.I like the reference to Fool’s Gold.
I wish I would have listened to my gut and the red flags when he told me he loved me, three weeks into a relationship…via text message! I remember how shocked I was and how I made excuses for him! I felt punched in the gut reading those words, yet I allowed and ignored my instincts . That is so important! My empath ways and heart had me feeling sorry for a 62 year old man.. Oh hindsight…❤️
‘Twas ever thus, you will find quite a few reminders in Red Flag which is out tomorrow. I can guarantee that a copy of it should be given to every one when they reach eighteen.
Red Flag #1…The “victim” role worked well with me….after I agreed to be his gf, he made me promise not to break his heart like that “b*tch” Maria did….
Red Flag #2….the ease of how he talked about cutting people out of his life both professionally and personally over minor things….
Red Flag #3….he was laid off soon into our relationship…and he needed to use me as a personal reference on his resume. He didn’t have 3 personal/professional friends left to vouch for his character…..he had to use me and I’d only known him 2 months….
Ahhhhh! I was so hoping for you to say “yes,he is been played this time!” But then again, your answer makes perfect sense regarding narcs… what was I thinking?! 🙂 I am so glad I have a narc (you) on my side though
And by the way, I red revange about three times. I did, by mail sending a letter with invoices of school and medical, ask him to pay what he ows. I think I am getting ready for war
Thank you for reading. Gird your loins, man your defences and apply the principles you have learned.
But of course.
Here is a question for you. Why are my lovey lovey pictures with him still all over his facebook while he is getting ready for his dream wedding? Who is getting fooled? The girl? I am dobting this for some reason. I think(and I hope) that this time is him. No one normal would disrespect his new wife that way, but also no one normal would stay quite and nice about it…
Triangulation. He is sending a message to you of “Look, even though I am marrying someone else I still treasure what we had so please give me some fuel.” and he is testing her “I am marrying you, she meant nothing, so show you feel secure with me (and thus my source of fuel is secure) by letting me do what I want and don’t complain to me about it.” And if she does complain, guess what? More fuel. It’s a win for him in every direction.
The last line really speaks to me.. I’ve often wondered if maybe he even believed himself? Does he actually believe the lies and the tales he creates about me, or is he totally aware, and uses this craziness, to deliberately torture and degrade? There was no going back for me after I saw the mask come off the first time… I accepted apologies and tried to understand, but I never felt the same about him… I mourned only what I thought he was.. I still do, but how do you go back when you have seen a monster? Great writing, HG, and great healing for me… It is always good to wake up to the reminders of reality….
You are welcome.
Great piece! To go along with feeling The Fool, our empathetic nature always wanting to fix a bad situation makes us not want to go out like a fool, feel like a fool, and for me, more importantly have the Narc remember me as a Fool.
Good points Clarece.
Which is why your book Revenge was such a guilty pleasure!
Ha ha.
Here are two tarot cards for you, from Aleister Crowley’s thoth tarot, Prince of Wands and The Moon
It’s interesting that on the one hand you have misused the fool card, but in the other hand, it can loosely apply.
Interesting!! And true very true. But at the last sentece my understanding does not reach 100%. How do you fool yourselves??
That our created edifice is really us.
Great post & an excellent clarification, so true! But YOU don´t fool yourself into believing that your created edifice is really you – otherwise, you wouldn´t choose to stay anonymous, or would you?
The narc in my life is now floating over with fuel right now… and I am exposed to it… which isn´t easy to handle….
I might you send you a FB pm on why that is so.
…. what can I say? Every time I read your words I think only one thing: he is damn good. And I do not say this to kiss your ass 😐 or whatever else I say it because it’s true. Keep speaking out please, I’m so glad to have found your work. I wish, though, I could trade you; even if for a day… Maybe I could learn; or at least grow a brain. So, do ya wanna be a Borderline for a day, and give me a try at Narcissism?
Have a great day <3
Thank you for the compliment. I can mirror being a borderline no problem since I have interacted with a few, but I would not want to actually swap roles.
May I ask, in mirroring did you pick up any ideas of ways one of us may turn off our emotions? Sorry, gotta ask ya as I’m in need of some hope. If not, no worries.
Cant help you with that I am afraid, I mimic the appearance of the emotion not the emotion itself.
🙂 no worries; I wish I had your talent.
It can be done NA, switching off your emotions. Read as much as you can about BPd and why they feel act as they do esp around abandonment.
And then learn about he toxics and how they behave BPDs often interact and want to be friends with the toxics so their fears are often real but you need to learn how to distinguish between good people who won’t let you down and the toxics who do.
Then it all becomes so predictable that you can’t be hurt by it any more.
Good luck xxx
🙂 Many thanks for your response. Sadly, I’m so insane I have tried this; and it fails me. I’ve been abandon by everyone and I do mean everyone since I was 2 days old, repeatedly- that sounds like a lie lol but it’s not. So now that I’m an adult I deeply anticipate people leaving him. The problem I have is, I can’t get myself to understand how to feel anything other than …panic and terror at the fact that I will be abandon by said person, so I either self medicate, self harm or let it all fall apart … or leave them.
Any tips on how to feel…more than one emotion at once ? Or, understand what another emotion is, when another is all consuming?
Sorry hope that makes sense. Thank you so much for the reply!
It sounds like you’ve been through a lot NA.
I’m not sure I would be able to help from a simple message here.
Have you had therapy ? DBT is supposed to be very good but you’d really need someone who understands bpd.
I’ve always preferred to learn things myself but for some people therapy would be a better approach.
Yeah I’m having to try and do this on my own, I’ve been turned away by too many doctors here in NYC… They said I was “too traumatized” or they said they weren’t trained enough; they didn’t know how to help me, even 2 specialists turned me away… Saying I’m too sick to help discourages me and hurts… But, I’m fighting to better myself, and I have improved a lot…but only in a few areas not nearly enough. I worry I really am too ‘traumatized to help’ as I was told. But, as you, I prefer to learn things on my own too… So maybe… I can do it. If you have any suggestions or…anything, please do let me know and thank you.
That’s awful NA !! Don’t worry about the therapists. No one is beyond help or too traumatised. But I have heard a lot of therapists put limits on the number of BPDs they will have on their caseload. But that’s their problem and not yours it just demonstrates their lack of understanding and real compassion.
As a starting point I would read all of shari schreibers work. Google, ‘do you love to be needed or need to be loved’. It makes painful reading but it is worth going through the pain.
Use that as a starting point and then i can suggest some further reading if you like.
Thank you so much; I appreciate your kindness and would love to have any suggestions you may have! Thank you again, I hope you’re well <3