Fuel’s Gold
Fuel drives everything that we do. Everything. The sooner you grasp this concept then the sooner you will understand what makes us tick, what lies behind our every word and our every action. The sooner you will realise that none of it was ever about you, it was always about your fuel. Fuel is what powers us, makes us feel powerful and allows us to function as we do, in the way that we want the world to see us. We draw fuel from all situations and from almost everyone we interact with. When we draw an admiring smile from the lady in the coffee shop as she hands over our morning latte we are gaining a dollop of fuel. When a colleague compliments us on the tie we are wearing we receive more fuel. When our secretary becomes upset because we berate her over a mistake she has made, yes, more fuel. The repeated ping of our mobile ‘phone as the text messages pile up from the new prospects we are mining provides us with fuel. The messages of admiration and adoration from those new targets gives us fuel as does the begging text from the person we have discarded who is beseeching us to speak to them and explain what they have done wrong. You see, fuel is so powerful that we do not even have to see you or hear you to gather it from you. All we need is to know that you reacting in an emotional manner and this will give us fuel. Accordingly when we see a text from you which reads
“Please call me, I need to speak to you, I cannot stand the pain of not being with you.”
We know that you are upset and your response, coupled with this emotion provides us with fuel. If you send us an e-mail which reads
“Thank you for last night, I had an amazing time. I can’t wait to do it again. xxx”
The adoration and love that is behind this message is the emotion which provides us with fuel.
Naturally, face to face interactions provide us with stronger doses of fuel as we see the light in your eyes and the smile on your lips or the tears in your eyes and the trembling of your lips. Good reactions and bad reactions all provide fuel. Call me names in a shouted tirade, swear at me and tell me how much you hate me. Anybody else would become angry at being treated like that or upset and either diffuse the situation, leave or stand their ground if they believe they are right. We might pretend you are upsetting us, we might pretend to be angry and we will probably argue back, but not because we feel upset or we feel angry but because responding in such a manner will provoke you all the more and thus we will gain even more fuel.
Why did we go to the concert with you? It wasn’t because we liked the artist or if we did that was just a coincidence. The reason we went was because we organised it for you and your appreciation, your smiles and your hugs all provided us with fuel. Even afterwards as you talked excitedly about the songs that were played, including your favourites and how you enjoyed the choreography, we gained fuel because your animated delight was caused by us.
Why do we discard you yet keep you as a friend on Facebook so you can see all the postings of our new relationship which we happily broadcast to all and sundry? Surely we would want to move on with this new person,notwithstanding the unnatural speed with which we have coupled with them so soon after casting you to one side? We do it because we know you cannot resist but look at the pictures of me and the new prospect smiling away blissfully and you will feel hurt, upset and anger and that provides us with fuel.
Why do we drag you back into our fantasy world after we have abused you, discarded you and smeared your good name to all and sundry? Why do we not leave you alone and let you try to piece your life together after we took a sledgehammer to it? Why must we message you, telephone you and plague you again and again and again? We do it because of the fuel you will give to us. Whether the hoover is malign so you shout at us to leave you alone or sob down the ‘phone that you cannot understand why you keep doing this or whether the hoover is benign as we promise to change and rekindle the relationship so you express your relief with tears of joy, the outcome is the same. Fuel.
Every act, every word, every behaviour is designed to draw fuel from you and others. From the minute we decided you were a viable target we began to cultivate the fuel from you. Through seduction, through the devaluation and even as we discarded you we sucked a few more drops from you. We leave you spent, for now and move on to a fresh target where the fuel is greener and begin the extraction from that unsuspecting individual. You will be returned to however because as you pick yourself up off the floor, the potential for more fuel, beautiful and sweet hoover fuel, presents itself and that is why we keep coming back.
You should always consider what your tormentor does against this matrix of the need for fuel. Everything he or she does is designed to gather this precious resource and once you alter the way you look at things you will see, with a sense of horrific realisation that there was never ever any love for you, there was only love for your fuel. You will know that each action, word and step taken was to gather fuel in some way. That golden, glittering and sparkling fuel is too great for us to resist and you are the provider of it.
18 thoughts on “Fuel’s Gold”
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Downloaded and will read in the order mentioned. Please disregard the next to last sentence from my most recent post. I have read enough to know better. I am learning!
Hi H.G., I have read Sitting Target, Fuel and Manipulated. Just started reading Escape: How to beat the Narcissist. As I mentioned before, my Narc travels most of the year because of work. I would say his work and the people he works with are most important to him. He works to maintain a personna of kindness and a strong work ethic, when it comes to that part of his life. Ideal for him free travel, perks and attention. Attention from the same, but in most cases different people. His goal seems to be to work every day possible. Except when he has plans with his adult son or cousin. (For a week or a couple of days) Otherwise, I come over at 1 pm and we spend the day together. He has told me he will have from mid June to July off for the most part. And he will “Take me some places..” Fast forward to a couple weeks ago when we saw each other last. Talked about his work for the most part. I then said “I hope we can always be friends to some degree..” ( I was trying to prepare for the I wish you the best speech) He jumped in and said “You have a decision to make”, that took me off guard. He launched into quit trying to define things, just enjoy our time, I am not cheating. Then.. “I never want to get married, I don’t even want to feel like I am married! There is no need to communicate all the time, we are not married. If you meet someone else let me know and if I meet someone else I will let you know. If I have an emergency come up I will let you know and you do the same. I don’t hang out with the females I work with, I don’t have time to cheat.” Then this was very confusing. Right after that he said ” You remember Janice? Because I took her job a couple times I have taken her to dinner a few times. She is about 20 and the boss thinks she is great. Oh and Thelma gave me a back massage because I had a knot in my back. I offered to pay her but she said no. Thelma is also a massage therapist. I think she is moving to Florida.” The placement of this admission was perfect for his purposes.. I had just told him I trusted him and couldn’t even respond. Because I was so shocked. He had gotten mad when I said I trust him. Said trust had nothing to do with it! So I didn’t respond as I should have. Sad that it seems he has no soul. Later that night he said well you better get going it is getting late. And I need to get to bed. I gathered my things, it felt like he was pushing me out the door. I pretty much said that because I was so hurt. He ignored it. Upon leaving he said see you later. Hurt and pain all over again. Hi texts have been every couple of days.. No interaction. Basically “I am working long days. Hope all is well.” No matter what I say his response is the same. Please advise regarding your thoughts. Thank you.
Hello Blue1, he is maintaining a denial of cheating,when most likely he is but wishes to maintain triangulation by mentioning the other ladies but only doing so with no admission of cheating, providing a plausible reason for him to interact with them. He wants to maintain his superiority over you by asserting he is not cheating but also wishes to keep you on the hook by mentioning other ladies. Your talk about trust, in his eyes, has suggested that he is actually untrustworthy and this amounts to a criticism. He responded by lashing out by ushering you out of the door and the lack of interaction now with the texts is tantamount to a silent treatment. He states he is working long days i.e. he has not time to cheat, so he is getting that message across to you to re-assert his superiority after your criticism. The lack of interaction is to punish you for the perceived criticism.
Thank you H.G. I need to further study triangulation. Any suggestions for the next book I should read? I read your routine email blogs and saved the article titled as “Shell Shocked”. That article hit home for me, especially after he mentioned the other ladies and I was stunned. First time he had done that. I think he was highly offended/angry. I truly believe he is an Elite Narc. However, he seems to be different because he does not try to control what I do when I am not with him. He doesn’t want to hear about what I do. Maybe he is planning on cutting ties with me for good…Thanks again for your insight.
You are welcome. Read Manipulated, Black Flag and Devil’s Toolkit, they will be the most pertinent for you at present.
HG, To follow up on my previous post.. I just finished reading Sitting Target. My Narc appears to be of the Elite class. I need to learn more about the phases.. Trying to figure out what phase I am with him at this point. Which book would you recommend I read next? He does travel a lot (for his job) and loves every bit of it. He was spending time in town with me when here. I would help facilitate when we went over his calendar. Gradually he started telling me (each time we get together)”I almost called and cancelled. I am burnt out.” I finally got tired of that, and said “Do you want me to leave?” He became angry at that. Now he has started cancelling a couple hours before our time to get together. Mostly. Because he is burnt out or has a cold etc.. Well, that is how he explains it. That is when he started the don’t question me about getting together said he would dictate the date to me. Said he feels pressured when I ask him about getting together. When we do see each other it is me driving to his house, I usually take dinner. That way he can drink his fill of alcohol. Since the last cancel (he was very cold and didn’t even kiss when we last got together-said what is it with women and kissing?) he has texted me each day. Essentially one text a day talking about his agenda for the day. When I respond he typically texts no further that day. His texts are very stoic and all about him with an obligatory hope you are doing well. He has not texted that regularly since we first started seeing each other again minus the kindness. (This round) Seems he is avoiding me and any questions. Had told me he doesn’t need the drama or emotional b*. Said he cares about me. I said you don’t really have time for a relationship. He said no, then started ranting and raving saying I don’t care that he is burnt out. Sorry for the message length. I should be out of tears by now. Please advise regarding your thoughts. Thanks for your expertise!
Hello Blue1, I daresay he enjoys the travelling with his job with the potential to reach so many secondary appliances for fuel elsewhere. He has you in the devaluation with the push and pull behaviour concerning when you spend time together. I suspect he is also weighing up a new target in respect of a primary source. This is because whilst he is treating you in a manner which will provoke reactions and have you running around after him, he is not applying a lot of abusive behaviours and therefore I think he is getting fuel from elsewhere. His comments about being burnt out probably reflect his lack of interest in you because his interest is somewhere else and doing that chasing is “burning him out”. The text a day is making sure you are still there to obtain fuel from should he choose to do so. When you respond he knows you are there so there is no further response. There may be a discard in the offing. I would suggest read Fuel and Manipulated next.
You can’t be that great and powerful. You’re not an American. ; )
” ..and the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air, gave proof thru the night, that our flag was still there”…
HG, Thanks so much for your insight. I have been in a relationship with a Narc off and on since 2001. Recently learned that he is a Narc. Am now reading your book Sitting Target. I have a lot to learn and help me heal. I am not sure which class of Narc he falls within. I hope the following may help identify: Talks only about himself. Never asks about me. Feels like he makes no mistakes. Does present scenarios that highlight him as a victim. His mistakes are always someone else’s fault. It has now been a year. (This current round) and his cruel treatment of me has escalated. He has told me that he will let me know when we will get together. Then said he will dictate to me. He travels a lot and is home little. He said no phone calls and if I call he will not answer or call back. I text him and he said he will text when he can. He said it does not mean anything is wrong. I have been told I need to relax and quit trying to define things. Please advise regarding your thoughts. Thank you.
All narcissists evidence a victim mentality. I suspect he is not a Victim Narcissist because he travels a lot. VN’s like to stay at home and be looked after. You have not mentioned anything which makes me think he is Somatic. Based on what you have written I am inclined to think he is either a Cerebral or Elite narcissist but I would need more information. Consider those categories in Sitting Target especially and they will present you with traits you should recognise. Much of his behaviour you have explained is common to all types of narcissists. Thanks for reading.
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“Fuel” – love the term. That’s just it, exactly! The minute I stop feeding the vampire, it leaps to the next victim on its list, LOL
The signs are too easy to read, now…especially online, where everyone’s ‘socializing’ seems to be done these days. Still, interacting in the ‘real’ world is helpful as well! Vigilance on all fronts, no?
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Absolutely
Just sitting here wondering where the idea for the heading came from………..
I wonder !
Now this HG I have come to believe is gospel!
Thanks for the reinforcement of your teachings and opening my eyes. I sadly can see it daily now
And by ☀️☀️ i mean your messages. And it is so so so nice when the ☀️☀️ Come outs 💋💋
How are you sweetie? Missed your answers last night 💋. Nevertheless you are always on my mind. You know that.
You are my sunshine. ☀️☀️ Make it shine for me today ❤️