Bringing up the Past
It is an essential method of maintaining our control over you by bringing up the past. We are always able to recall some past wrong which you have committed or some particular transgression which we will use to suit our current purposes. Being able to bring up the past allows us to deflect your attacks against us, deny the validity of what you are saying and instead enables us to put you under scrutiny. We have a formidable capability for remembering what has happened before. It is as if each event in our lives together has been recorded in my mind’s eye and in a moment I can locate the exact memory, circumstances and events in order to support my position and demolish yours. The pin point accuracy by which I can dredge something up which happened months or even years ago is quite staggering. It is all the more amazing because we always seem to forget about events which you try and rely on. Mind you, that is because you have such a tendency to make things up haven’t you? It is quite a terrible habit that you have, lying in order to try and make me look bad or feel worse. It is not something you would find me doing. Absolutely not.
You abide by the concept of that once something has been put to bed that is the end of the matter. It is done. It is concluded. It is finished. We do not subscribe to that point of view. In fact, anything that has happened between us, which we need to resurrect in order to advance our case against you, is never concluded. It may be buried, but it is never buried dead. All the discussions, happenings and events, even though they may have been discussed, dissected and mulled over to an extraordinary degree many moons ago, are ready to be brought back to life in the click of a finger and thumb. That argument about the one time in the last six months when you actually went out with your friends (although that of course was not without a monumental battle beforehand) began when you returned five minutes later than when you said you would return. The discussion rumbled on late into the night until finally tired and fed-up you conceded defeat, apologised and sloped off to bed. All delight from your enjoyable evening having evaporated as a consequence of our ranting and raging. You knew it had been done to death. There was not really anything to argue about, not that that stopped us going round and round in circles in order to frustrate you. This argument was complete and there was no need for it to be mentioned again. Except there was. You organised to go and see a show with your friends. It had been in the diary for at least eight weeks and you headed away looking forward to enjoying it. It was one of your favourites, one you had loved since you were a little girl. You knew that we were not pleased, you could see it in the frozen smile you gave when we came out to say hello to your friends. Not of course that we were interested in being polite to your friends as they waited in the car. No, we wanted to see who was going. Checking up to see if your story was true. We kissed you and wished you a delightful evening although you knew underneath we would be raging that we had to make our own meal and we were left alone for the evening.
The show was magnificent and your friends excellent company but the traffic leaving the venue was heavy and you returned home half an hour later than you had estimated. Note it was an estimate, not a guaranteed time by which you would return, not that this fact would make any difference to us. You sent us a text message (you did not want the embarrassment of a horrible telephone call as you sat in your friend’s car) advising of the delay and why it was. You received no response. That told you everything you needed to know. You entered the house and found us waiting, arms crossed and eyebrows raised.
“What time do you call this?” The accusation is launched. There is no hello, no asking how the show went or whether you enjoyed the evening.
“Sorry. The traffic was bad. Did you get my text?”
“Yes but that is not the point. You are late again. You do this on purpose don’t you?”
“What do you mean again?” you respond, a knee-jerk reaction to the unfair accusation but as soon as the last word has left your mouth you know what is coming. You can almost hear the vault door being opened and the relevant deposit box being selected, the tiny key being inserted and turned.
“You were late the last time you went out.”
“That was six months ago.”
“It was five actually. It was March. It doesn’t matter if it was yesterday or yesteryear, you are late and you said you would not be. You lied.”
“I lied. Oh come on, you come in late every week. Either from the bar or some work meeting and I never complain.”
“Yes you do. You complained last Friday and I told you that I had to meet those clients in the bar.It was a business meeting.”
“You didn’t tell me anything of the sort. I rang you six times to find out where you were.”
“It was eight times actually and I did not answer because I was busy with the clients. As I told you. I remember distinctly explaining that to you.”
“You didn’t. You really didn’t. Look, this is the first time I have been out in an age, I am home now, let me tell you about the show.”
“No. You are not distracting me with tales about songs and dance routines. I am sick of your disrespecting me in this fashion. You always come back late when you are with those harpies.”
“Why say that?” you ask hurt by the remark about your friends.
“Because they are a bad influence on you. They got you drunk that time. Do you remember? You threw up in the sink when you got in and then on the floor.”
“No I didn’t, that was you!”
“Don’t try and twist things around. I remember distinctly seeing you stagger through the door because I was sat in that chair watching the news.”
“You were asleep upstairs and I was not drunk. I don’t get drunk.”
“Oh really, I can remember at least five occasions when you have come home rat-arsed, banging into the walls and crawling up the stairs. There was that time you went with Sandra to that new bar, Apartment it was called.”
“What are you going on about. No I didn’t.”
“Yes you did. Are you calling me a liar? Remember, I have a far better memory than you, yours is obviously addled by all the drinking that you do.”
And on it goes. Past misdemeanours both real and imagined are brought up and levelled against you. Bringing up the past is good for all occasions. If you accuse us of flirting with someone, we will remind you of your brazen behaviour with our brother. If you complain because we have not taken the rubbish out, we will remind you how you forgot to pick up our drying cleaning on three separate occasions. Accuse us of over-spending and we will revisit your last three shopping trips and reel off every item that you purchased. The confidence with which we describe these past events has you bewildered and at times you are unable to recall whether we are actually correct or whether we are making it up. You often think that we are making things up but the conviction we demonstrate has you doubting your own recall. This technique is used by us frequently. It moves the subject of the argument on to you, frustrates, angers and upsets you so that you provide us with and has you often apologising so that we know we have landed a blow and laid down a marker. Reminding you of the past, real or imagined is something we do frequently. What is behind using this manipulative technique to acquire fuel and control? Simple. We bring up the past because we are intimidated by what is happening in the present.
48 thoughts on “Bringing up the Past”
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“Distinctly,” “clearly,” “very specifically”
🙂
Um. No.
Yet….I remember. All these words and more….
As i read these blog entries, i remember this happening in my life w him. So much i thankfully forgot…. but reading this reminds me and gives such insight to what happened. 🙂
HG, I am now on “50 Things Not To Do…” I am gaining more insight through your writings. There are so many ppl from childhood to present that fall into this N-spectrum.
The illusion-creators: with their constantly-raised barres of achievement, their parents’ contempt towards them, comparing them to siblings (worst case scenario: the golden child dies, and now you not only fall short, but everyone wonders why the “goodone” died, and the good one becomes immortal(er). ?) These kids may have N-tendencies as a defense, but they are hypersensitive. Don’t they become empaths?
Firstly id like to compliment your unique and intriguing writing style. Secondly I’m curious as to how your treatment process was initiated? My narc absolutely denies it, stating that just because he has made such profound accomplishments in his life, is confident, and loves himself BC he is awesome doesn’t make him a narc. Obviously I wasn’t the first person to accuse and or address it with him BC he also said how sick he was of people calling him one. Immediately following was him in turn saying I was the narc.
Thank you for the compliment. I resisted treatment for years by projection and accusing my accusers of being narcissists in the way you describe. It was the threat of being denied a significant inheritance which meant that I agreed, albeit on the basis of maintaining there is nothing wrong with me, to under go treatment. I am aware that the things I do and the way I act is classed as npd but it is all a matter of perspective. In my world there is nothing wrong with what I do, I must do it. I am judged by different standards.
I’m
intrigued to learn what motivated you to give answers and help those negatively affected by your type. The honesty is refreshing and makes me wonder how you can be so honest against your greatest will.
Hello Ashley, I love writing. As part of my treatment one of the key issues is harnessing and expanding my awareness. Those I am engaging with encouraged me to write about how I am and to convey my awareness as part of driving my continued understanding of what I am. Those who interact with here I do not know in a “face to face” sense and therefore it does not harm my “real life” machinations by broadcasting the answers. As I have admitted, I get some fuel from doing this but it is at the lower end because it is with remote strangers. Those who interact recognise this and understand this as part of the “relationship”. They gain knowledge and understanding and I gain fuel and a platform to write, something I enjoy. I am obliged to carry out the treatment and show co-operation and therefore the sharing of what I am, what I do and what I think is part of that. I am also entertained by the fact that empowered empaths will be tackling my kind which gives me a further sense of power. My fuel lines remain intact in my environment so doing this does not harm my supplies. I also enjoy the interaction with interesting and intelligent posters many of whom exhibit a good sense of humour too.
HG what if the past they bring up isn’t negative, what sort of hoover are they perpetrating? I just had an overlapping work shift with T yesterday. Like previous times I stuck with the group on the shared break time we have to avoid another incident of him jumping in my vehicle like before. His initial conversation with me was love-bombing mode – proclaiming he’d been discussing me with others and talking about how nice I am (I’m getting tired of hearing that) and then somehow their conversation shifted to how incredibly strong I am physically?! He rambled off on that for a while before asking about my dogs and got a bit more response out of me which turned into a ‘remember when’ talking about when we were together last year. He made several references about how the dogs acted when he was there and things he remembered them doing. Making a point I imagine to the rest of the coworkers gathered (there were some new ones that I’m sure weren’t aware we’d dated) that we were an item in the past. Is this supposed to be some sort of return to the initial hoovering or trying for ever presence? Or is he aware of some interest from another person and trying to lay a claim on me? Totally baffling behaviour to me.
Hi Sheila, this was a Benign Follow-Up Hoover by being pleasant and referring to good memories in order to gain positive fuel and lure you back in.
Thanks for the insight HG… and not going to happen… swamped just a little bit in my ‘research’ with a backlog of messages from interested parties… good lord I have 40 waiting to be answered!
Wow there goes the red hair lady !!!!
It does seem to attract them, Nikita! LOL I think I may have found some chemistry with a gentlemen I started chatting with this morning… all good things so far and no red flags! 🙂
Best of lucks Sheila!!! Cross fingers for you.
Scratch that… red flags waving. He moves like a barracuda… too many questions – red flag. Likes what I do – red flag. Moved me off the site with getting my cell number and a picture *for his contact list* – red flag.. most likely using it to google match and look for social media. Also- so he thinks- keeps me from realizing he’s still on the site fishing. Definitely some N tendencies there!
Yes those red flags are flying Sheila, well spotted or perhaps well heeded.
Hi Sheila!! Yes it sounds like 😖…. But it seems its all like that in those dating sites??? I would not know as I have never been nor dated somebody like that. Did he talk about him all the time? I once read somewhere that also asking somebody what they wish to imporove about themselves and how they would like to still grow personally is a good way to evaluate.
Best of lucks and keep me updated. I have heard from stories of my working colleagues that you have to meet first many many online until you find the one.
And HG you might be proud to know that your ‘tutelage’ allowed me to figure out his moves and institute some of my own. I snagged his own pictures and did a google search and found some hits on pornographic sites—- HUGE RED FLAG!
Look at you ! Mind you, what if his occupation is as a fluffer?!
I had to look that term up to understand what you meant! LOL
If he is actually a ‘fluffer’ – to each his own – it just reinforces the red flag for me considering the types of N’s I’ve been involved with!
Ha ha, I wondered when you would respond to this Sheila!
I have another term for you HG, ‘sapiophile’ and this man’s profile describes himself as such, but I would also say he’s among the Elite of your kind.
“If you are looking for someone that is healthy, fit, kind, honest, confident, sexy, intelligent, great father, friends with past lovers, spiritual, loves music, supports the arts, an activist, well read, doesn’t watch TV or sports, doesn’t go to strip bars with the boys, affectionate, empathic… and a feminist!
I need someone that can keep up the passion for an extended period of time… like a life time, not just a few dates or a few years. A passion that grows not diminishes… easy for me… but so hard to find. Obviously I have spent my life seeking such a relationship!
Maybe short bursts of passion is all that we need?
I have been searching for such passion my whole life… I burn to hot for this earth, it seems to go in slow motion!”
He then quotes one of my favourite authors.
When I kissed her she cried… I asked her why? Finally she said, “I always knew it could be this beautiful.”
But that still wasn’t enough to make love stay. I should have bought her a cheese cake instead. At least she wouldn’t have cried.
“I’ve been kissed by men who did a very good job. But they don’t give kissing their whole attention. They can’t. No matter how hard they try parts of their minds are on something else. Missing the last bus—or their chances of making the gal—or their own techniques in kissing—or maybe worry about jobs, or money, or will husband or papa or the neighbors catch on. Mike doesn’t have technique . . . but when Mike kisses you he isn’t doing anything else. You’re his whole universe . . . and the moment is eternal because he doesn’t have any plans and isn’t going anywhere. Just kissing you.”
Robert A. Heinlein, Stranger in a Strange Land
Why do I still find myself the target of these types? lol
If this is the entirety of the profile I find it interesting since he describes everything he purportedly is (including a feminist pffftt!) but the only thing he is looking for is passion. What makes you think he is a sapiophile?
He used it to describe himself lol
Ah well just pop your mind in a jar and hand it over!
I am tempted to reply to him and ask him if he really understands the big words he uses? Or if someone else told him to write it without explaining what it was! How can he be looking for physical passion and be so enamored of finding it, but intellect is what purportedly excites him?
Why not? Let’s see if there is an ignition of fury as this criticism.
HG is the best !!!! 🎉🎉🎉🎉 The king 🎉🎉⛽️😘
Your final sentence saying you feel “intimidated” by what’s happening in the present. That is the first time I heard you say feeling something in the heat of the moment other than fury, hate, envy… Being intimidated, I imagine for you, makes you feel weak. Depending on the argument is it that you know the victim is catching on to the lies, manipulations and in finding their voice and standing up to you, you know deep down they are right? It isn’t just about being criticized then. It’s also being intimidated? That’s interesting because I thought you said if your victim is emotional when delivering their side of things, all you pay attention to is the tears or the emotion itself, not so much what is even being said. But the words do resonate don’t they? I know you don’t dwell on things afterwards, but some things must stick then, no? You know you’re being called out on exactly what you’re doing hence the blame-shifting projection turning it back on us. Then you’re already plotting ten steps ahead with new fuel or triangulation with other existing fuel?
It isn’t necessarily knowing that they are right because as I have mentioned we are not paying a great deal of attention to the words when they are delivered in a fuel-filled way, it is the impertinence that you exhibit in challenging us and our authority. The present situation is an act of intimidation on your part (see blame-shifting once again) which we must react to and stamp down, hence we bring up the past. The words do not resonate (unless they are being delivered fuel free and they will then) but it is the manner of the response. We will be getting fuel if you are upset and frustrated. We will also get fuel if you are angry but if you are challenging us then we regard that as an act of intimidation on your part, it is the whole presentation not the words specifically, and you behaving in such a way is unacceptable. First by labelling you as the intimidator we are shifting the blame. Why are you being like that when we are good to you? Secondly, we must respond to this challenge to our supremacy and one way (there are many others) is to bring up the past.
Wow! I am really soaking this in, because as you know I had an exchange with JN earlier this week. I liken this almost like learning a second language. It is the constant repetition of hearing something over and over again to fluently understand and switch to it in order to react properly to it. Your world view and logic, as natural as it is to you is foreign to us. So it does take constant reading and reminders of how you are processing what we say to learn how to communicate more effectively with you, when we have to… if at all. I have a dear girlfriend who is Hispanic with family in Mexico, so Spanish is her first language and she is fluent in English. But she explained it once that she still thinks and wants to say everything in Spanish and has to go through an extra step to translate then into English. This is like forcing our brain to add an extra step to speak “Narc”.
Every word is remembered… Every seemingly innocent story and admission will be used as a weapon against you… The truth will be twisted into something you don’t recognize and used to twist your heart, mind, and guts… I shudder from the stories and manipulations… I felt he was a trusted confidante, I didn’t know I was talking and trusting the enemy… A man who would use every word against me, and when the truth wasn’t enough, he embellished until I felt I was in the middle of a horror flick…
I have been in a relationship with a narc for almost 5 years, of course also including the numerous amount of times he has blocked and broken up with me. Within the first year of our “perfect relationship” I began having unpleasant feelings about our interactions that just didn’t feel right. Of course I ignored them and blamed paranoia on my end. He was the man of my dreams. Finally after 2 serious past relationships had failed, and I had given up for a while on true love, he swept me off my feet. My narc is a full blown extreme version and epitome of all research I have done in the past 3 years. In the beginning years my life was turned upside down every few months. The empty horid feeling of being completely cut off and abandoned, just hoping with every ounce he would come to his senses. After all these years Ive never received a apology from him, unless of course he is doing a bit. The bit being ” omg, what is wrong with me, I don’t deserve you, I love you so much, let me make this better, you are amazing, and almost all of our problems are my fault”. Obvioisly now I know the next morning, or even two days from that “apology” he will go right back to usual. He doesn’t fool me any longer. I spent years recognizing the narc he was, but couldn’t figure out the deep hours of apologies in its entirety. It was the only part of our relationship that made me question and think maybe he does really love me.I now know its all the same. None of it is real. The cold, empty, depressed, happy tomorrow, hates me today, blaming everyone around him, literally never able to forgive the smallest things god of the world has left a nasty pit in my stomach on his behalf. After all, I should be lucky to be part of his life, he is amazing, talented, intelligent. Even if I only get to see him a few hours a week BC he is so busy with the bar I should just be happy for his sucess, and heaven forbid I show any disappointed feelings or “miss” him BC that only angers him. His empty success anyway. 100 incompleted projects. Clip boards and stacks of business cards to people he is gonna meet up with to accomplish his next unfinished ideas for success. The first time he compared the bar he helped design and “create” equally to having a child I new instantly it was far worse than the worse I already knew. When he has a episode these days I’m relieved that he won’t communicate with me at all. He won’t let me go completely though. That would elimate his fuel for life. He sneaks back in to haunt me time and time again. Realizing and being aware of what he is has allowed me to not believe or listen to anything he says. Its satisfying to know him for all he is, while he is unaware that his games no longer work on me. He is so caught up in himself he is losing his own game. It odd for me to say, but he has became my own personal science experiment in a strange way. My son is 6 years old now and there behaviors and actions are wildly similar. Thank goodness I was smart enough to keep my children separate from our relationship. It now fascinates me how a mind can think and rationlize in such a deep twisted manner. Understanding what he is, and the countless articles, esp the ones on this site has helped the pain get better. Accepting that the man of your dreams and your life together was never real is traumatic. I’m just happy to know the cold man laying next to me for what he is. Thinking of the last time I’ll see him feels better with every ugly, cruel, demeaning word out of his mouth. Every lie makes it easier.
Hello Ashley and thank you for you post. Interesting to read of your experience and your enlightenment. It appears you have worked him out and are still in a relationship with him. I assume from your last sentence you are planning your exit?
Unfortunately I have been for far to long. I almost think im waiting for a confession of all the hate and hurt for some closure. Are narcs always aware of there cruel and abusive behaviors? Or are they so wrapped in it all that they truly believe to be right and feel zero emotions?
It depends on what type of narcissist they are.Some have no idea, others of us know full well but still proceed because there is no other option.
I am 65 years old and in my second marriage 29 years long and there seems to be no escape, i have been emotionally blackmailed, mentally beaten, tortured and lied to on a daily basis for all those years. It is insidious, sadly one day you wake up and realize the problem is not you and never has been. He has complete control over my entire life. I have no relatives, my mother was a narcissist, they only belonged to her. She portrayed herself as a sainted martyr, and my brother and I as out of control monsters. I am not allowed friends, he has complete financial control. His version of my past is me being out of control and he saved me. Yet I had a successful career in finance, if I mention it he rolls his eyes and makes derogatory comments, suggesting that I am too stupid to have had a career like that. I have a mensa i.q., he says do not tell anyone because I would only make a fool of myself. Now if anyone notices his behavior towards me he explains it away, alluding that he is long suffering wonderful husband and that I am mentally unstable. He is a pillar of the community, benevolent, kind, caring, will help anyone. It is all about his ego, he is totally devoid of empathy. His children and I only exist when we are useful. He hates people liking me, there is only one star allowed. Occasionally in public, one of his tactics is all of a sudden to loudly say “I am sick of having to listen to your constant lies”
I am his 5th wife, 4 legal marriages, 5 if you count the one he presented as his wife for 10 years of our marriage. He told me you cannot have an affair when it is daytime, it is just two good friends catching up. Only a pathetically sick person like me would think the worst. I have some permanent problems acquired from an accident 20 years ago, which are not visible or evident, I see an MD every couple of months, and a physical trainer weekly. He tells everyone he knows, that I am always out having a good time, and go shopping regularly. He tells me that going to the MD and the trainer and my weekly shopping which is buying groceries are all social occasions. I have no other outings unless he blackmails me into accompanying him to a business dinner, where he usually ignores me, and if I have conversations with people, I suffer tirade or the silent treatment all the way home.
My past became a huge problem for me, constantly being told that I was doing and saying things that I could not remember. I actually thought I was going crazy, or I had acquired brain damage from my accident, until I went to a neurologist and a psychologist about my severe memory problems, I did not tell them that it was my husband constantly telling me that I had severe problems if I could not remember doing and saying terrible things. Both MD’s stated that someone was playing very sick games with me, that there is nothing wrong with my memory and tests showed that I have almost perfect recall.
All your postings and books are my husband word for word.
Hello Alexis and thank you for your post. Control exerted across every facet in our typical style. That is a quite a line “He told me you cannot have an affair when it is daytime, it is just two good friends catching up” and demonstrates the delusion he maintains and how he expects you to buy into it. What have you written would prove a prime way of identifying the various ways you are being manipulated to somebody new to the subject to see if he or she could ascertain them from what you have written. It is riddled with manipulation. Now you know what he is and what he does, what do you propose to do next? Will you opt for trying to manage him given where you find yourself in life or will you make the break and go no contact?
It would be difficult to leave unless I wished to become homeless, he would make sure that happened and tell his friends it was my fault. I am physically stuck where I am, but since I have woken up, I have managed to achieve a lot of freedom mentally. I can now see him for what he is and always has been. I sometimes grieve for what is lost and what could have been but if I can help others by telling my story that is great. One thing I left out in my original posting is the love bombing. In the beginning you believe that you have found the most perfect partner, he tells you he has been waiting all his life to be with you, his perfect soulmate, the attention, the empathy, the spoiling, the love, the promises of an incredible future together, your niggling feelings of it being too good to be true are ignored. Within six months of being married most of this perfect loving relationship disappeared, occasionally resurfacing when it suited his purposes, just to remind me. You him ask why, he will tell you that you have changed, it is all your fault you are not the person he married, he wishes that person would come back. Meanwhile, unknown to me, he was off enjoying his daytime catchups with a good woman friend, whoever met his requirements at the time. He would play the martyr and infer to her that he had a terrible home life. I knew nothing about his life outside of home, he did not share this with me, when I finally found out by accident, I was gutted. The one common thing for victims/ the captured appears to be the incredible desire to experience what your relationship was in the beginning, it is almost an obsession. You stay in the hope it will return and you are given the occasional glimpses, the occasional spoiling which leave you with the belief that it is possible. You often see him treating others with the charm and kindness you experienced, again you ask him, he says you have changed and if you become the person you were when we married, you will be treated like a princess again. A vicious cycle of lies and then I woke up. I stay because I have no alternatives, I have no-one and no where to go. I was numb for a few years but now I am quietly healing myself, I am becoming me again, he cannot see my thoughts and dreams so he cannot intrude. It is not the best situation, but each step, each change is working towards a beautiful future.
No he didn’t make anything up but exaggerated the outcome of the debate, that I kicked off when really it was just a discussion, or he would say I had done things but he didn’t like to remember and that it is deleted out of his mind. I work around the community visiting houses, he works as a instructor in the same area, so we pass each other on the main roads, junctions, he will park up on side roads, etc, I never used to see him as much when we were together, it drives me insane. I do not have a kindle to get escape but I am looking at treating myself to one. This has been a real eye opener, never heard of narcissists, just thought he was moody and selfish but everything makes sense now and reading your posts assures me that I am not the crazy one, that I have a healthy, logical head on my shoulders even if it did take me 20 months to solve what the hell was going on. So thank you, it has been such a relief 😊
You don’t need a kindle to read the books. Just download the free Kindle app to the relevant electronic device and away you go. Read the books and even more will make sense for you. Through reading you will gain understanding and through understanding you will gain freedom. Do engage with the other posters here as well, they give me a hard time of course but I love them all the same ! They are a well-informed and open-minded group who have many constructive observations to make and exhibit a sense of humour too, so do make use of interacting with them too. So you pass him in a motor vehicle but don’t necessarily have to stop and speak to him, is that right? If so, what you need to deal with is the dailt reiminder of him which is all part of the process of expelling him from your system. Escape and also No Contact have some suggestions to deal with that. Take a look and if you have any further queries, do ask.
I didn’t realise, I’ve downloaded kindle and started on escape. Thank you and I will make sure I am logging on daily to read your posts and keep me determined. Thank you nakita, I don’t look at him but it’s his car flashed with brightly coloured stickers that makes my gut wrench and go clammy, suppose it’s just something that will go in time. Thanks again xx
Hi Taroma
Just play some nice music you enjoy alot and dont look at the guy. Turn your head away andconcentrate on other nice things around you. Its mainly on your mind..
Recently discovered this amazing feed after ending my relationship with a N. It’s bizarre how I always knew something was wrong but thought it was because I was too sensitive and expected too much, ended up in therapy to see why I was perceived as behaving wrongly by my N to find out that I was subjected to emotional and psychological abuse, all your articles have been spot on except this one, the N that trashed my life and self, he could never remember dates, or incidents of when I have behaved poorly, probably because I didn’t, he couldn’t remember the incidents where he would leave me at functions without telling me he was leaving or not turning up when he was suppose to as he forgot, when he was verbally aggressive when he had a drink, the list is endless. I have left the relationship 3 times and always been promised things would change and he would try counselling to sort his ridiculous selfish behaviour, I found messages to people saying I was that messed up I was in therapy, that I was controlling, childish and pathetic. I am determined that I am moving on with my life now and will not ever go back. The only problem I have is that I see him everyday around the area through work, I am currently on sick and return to work next week, any advice on what to do when I pass him upto 5 times a day?? I am riddled with anxiety even thinking about it, I’m not afraid of him, I’m not sure what it is. Dread? Anger? Something that makes me so uneasy that I was even going to request to move areas at work. Help!!
Hello Ttaroma and welcome, thank you for your post. As you identify, we never remember our own misdemeanours and transgressions and you experience is similar. Naturally he could not remember incidents where you had misbehaved if that never happened, did he make them up instead? I see you have experienced the usual projection alongwith the false promises which are so common. I would recommend you read Escape which sets out ways for dealing with manipulative behaviour even in circumstances where you cannot instigate full no contact. In order to offer something specific when you say you pass him upto 5 times a day what do you mean? Is this in the workplace? A particular place in the workplace,such as corridor, department or office? Or is on the way to and from the workplace? Perhaps you could expand?
What I observe in your writing is the frenetic experience of the narcissism, and how in the writing itself, there is a disassociated awareness of the painful wound of which you experience, manifesting of sadistic behavior. It appears that often in your works the reader must be ‘re victimized before you offer your own awareness, which of course is one of the foundations towards growth.
Interesting. Can you elaborate on what you mean by “disassociated awareness”?
Yes HG !! This I think is a very typical and common trait of narcissists to bring back and back and back what happened in the past and stick to an energy draining discussion based on this fact.
And any reason is valid, doing or not doing, saying or not saying, forgetting or not forgetting. The other counter part is lost already even before the discussion starts.
Its like if you guys would have a notebook ready to be used at every instance becuase there is always a past event to comment on.
And I think like you describe above, it is specially used when we are happy and having fun. Or have done something special and feel happy about it. Perfectly said. Intimidated by the present !!!
So illustrative and so perfectly writen. 🙂 . Good company for my coffee :-). You are a good e-company for my coffee 🙂
Have a nice day.
Thank you Nikita.
It can be daunting to arrive at your truth, however not as excruciating as self deception