Just Leave Him
I know what they say about me. I always know. I know they crowd around, earnest expressions etched across their made-up faces, their mouths flapping as they spout their supposed wisdom to you.
“We will be here for you. You have always got us.”
“If you are unhappy there must be something wrong.”
“Is it right to be treated like this.”
“You are not the person you used to be.”
Who are they to claim what is right for you? Have they held you on that cliff-top with the foaming ocean churning beneath us, the cool Atlantic air brushing past us as a canopy of stars hung overhead? Have they looked into your eyes and seen the pain that I know was there long before I came along, a pain that I have shouldered for you? Where were they when you called at 3am and asked that I tell you a story because you had just had a horrible nightmare? I do not recall them soothing you and keeping those night demons at bay. Do they know you inside out? I think not. They do not know every each of you in the way that I do. Each delicate piece of you that I have kissed and caressed, so there is no place about your person that has not been embraced by me. They have not done that have they? Have they held your long tresses back and rubbed your back as you spewed those cocktails back up and groaned about what how much money you have just regurgitated? No. It was I who rode to your rescue as they wove their drunken way to another bar. They do not know your favourite ten songs and I will wager more than they earn that they have no inclination that you are frightened of geese.
Oh I know alright. I know about their messages which they send you. I have seen them and it is fortunate that I have so I can spare you from the green-eyed lies. They do not have what we have and nor will they ever. One cannot blame them for their wretched jealousy, they are just flesh and blood, but are they your true friends when they seek to pour such sedition in your ears when my back is turned? Ought they not to be happy for you, delighted that you want to spend so much time with me. Do they not see that your sadness on occasions is borne out of your deep and perfect love for me, that such is our connection that you justifiably feel upset when you irk me or irritate me. I know you do not mean to do it and that is why I have not pushed you aside like those other pretenders who came before you. You understand what it is to have found someone who fulfils all your hopes and your dreams and you understand my pain when you sleight me or let me down. Yet, since you are such a good person, my upset becomes your upset but they do not see it. I suppose if I was charitable I might ascribe their short-sightedness to the fact that they lack your special qualities. Only you understand me and only you have that deep-seated bond with me so that what I feel resonates with you. That is who you are and who they are not.
I heard them caution you about moving in together, their comments about “undue haste” and “it is too early” and “he wants you where he can see you.” Well, why should I not. Why should I not have my number one fan with me as often as I can? Why would you want to be anywhere else?Why would I not want to have someone so pretty and wonderful as you besides me. Does not every winner want to show off his trophy? Of course.
I know they have cautioned you about my temper and urged you to depart, claiming that it will only get worse and you will suffer. They mistake passion for temper, but then they would wouldn’t they, it suits their selfish purposes to try and bring down what you and I have. People usually do that when they do not understand something. It is a predictable and regrettable response. As for their remarks about me controlling you, how can that be so? I chose you for so many things and chief amongst those attributes was the attraction of your strong mind and keen intelligence. So what if I suggest what you might wear and how you should do your hair, I am taking an interest. Would you prefer it if I never commented on how you looked or made no suggestion as to what suited you? I know a couple of them think I stop you seeing them, but that is just more of their campaign of slander. Perhaps it is selfish of me, but the times I have asked you to cancel plans to see some of your friends was only because I wanted to be with you. Perhaps I sounded firmer than I intended, I suppose that might happen when you spend all day working hard to support a relationship, it does make one tired. Do not be concerned by their observations that I make all the decisions about what we do, where we go and how our money is spent. I am happy to bear such a burden for us both and you have admitted, have you not, that I do know more than you about certain things. I am only doing what is right for you, for me and most of all for us. Of course, they do not bother to gain possession of all the facts. They would much rather whisper untruths in your ear based on hearsay and ill-informed perspectives. I suppose that is a price I have to pay for loving you so totally, so completely and so perfectly.
Still, I know they urge you to leave me. I am no fool. I have overheard their comments, heard what they say when they telephone you and seen the messages. I know they want you to depart and escape me. Well, do it. Go. Leave everything that we have built up together. Leave my guiding hand and perhaps someone more grateful will come along. I do not want that but why should my largesse and love be abused in this way? Why should I pour my all into an empty hole? Go it. Pack your bags and leave. I will not stop you. See. If I controlled you would I not be begging you to stay and pleading with you to ignore them? If I pulled your strings as they accuse me of doing so would I not be threatening you now with all manner of terrible consequences if you had the audacity to step through that door and way from me? But I have not and I do not, because you already know don’t you? That is why I chose you. But I shall not stand in your way. If it really is awful being with someone who only ever has your best interests at heart and who loves you perfectly, albeit sometimes clumsily and erratically, then leave me. Just leave.
I know you won’t though. I know.
38 thoughts on “Just Leave Him”
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can You tatoo my person onto Your body so I’m always with You?
I don’t do tattoos but you are welcome to tattoo my name on yourself as a permanent reminder of my presence.
it was a metaphor G…
Evan,
I learned that no matter how much we know the N and see through the bag of tricks and begin to find their antics predictable and foolish even…that we are not immune to further pain ️and MindFuckery. They will always be one step ahead because, unlike us, they lack conscience.
Just like you wouldn’t poke a deadly cobra with a stick or taunt a hungry lion …never “tease” a Narc with fuel. You will get burned.
Mine was offering up some MindFuckery this weekend…😂 I’m tempted to tease him with some fuel, but I don’t want to get trapped into that nightmare again… It’s good to laugh at the bag of tricks instead of having my stomach flip flop like it used to… Big thanks, HG…
You are welcome Evan.
Hi Bethany, I understand what you are saying and mostly agree with your words here..Thanks for the warning!❤️ I did refrain from the momentary desire to tease him with some fuel, but honestly, this man can never hurt me again… It is the memory of what I thought he was that hurts, but he has zero power over me right now….I know what a manipulative fake he was now… I see him as a pathetic clown, and he has no part of my heart anymore…
Question. Is one born an N, or does someone or some life event cause this? And does the N get worse, or better at it over time? Looking back, over TWENTY TWO YEARS, that we were together, he got progressively more manipulative and seasoned in his evil acts, one always topping the last. Who would EVER think up ways to DESTROY the woman that you tell everyday that you love her? OMG.. I didn’t know. He was my first..My ONLY, I had waited until I was 25 years old to make 100% SURE that I found someone who LOVED ME AND THAT I TRUSTED to respect me and my choice to wait. He always said it was one of the most attractive qualities about me. That if we had a little girl, that he wanted her to have the same morals. I look back, I gave that mother fucker ALL OF ME, that was 21 1/2 years ago. I never strayed. My same morals remain. Not only did he take that, NOW I KNOW HE TOOK SOMETHNG ELSE.. My mind… My self esteem, self worth,independence, and most of all, my love of self, and my self respect. I’ve lost 1:2 of my life to one that NEVER LOVED ME: it is DEVASTATING! I don’t know how to get over this. How to heal. I didn’t know, I didn’t know.. I thought THAT was love.. He knew I didn’t know any better. My parents got divorced when I was 15, and my father never looked back. I thought I HAD TO STAY MARRIED… You DONT LEAVE.. EVER!!
I’m just LOST!!
Btw.. We had that little girl 12 years ago, and I am teaching her those same morals, while she also learns from watching HIM. Thank God I left., so, she also knows, THAT IS NOT LOVE!!!
It is generally expounded that a life events or series of life events creates the narcissist. There is some debate concerning whether some people have a genetic predisposition towards the condition also. I would suggest that with Greater Narcissists the manipulations etc become worse as we realise the true extent of our powers and abilities. Yes it is devastating and your losses are the losses which many people describe Confused.
HG as far as I’m aware narc had no special life turning events other than he manipulated & controlled his parents in exactly the same way as he did with me .
His mother was the most caring person in the world ( an empath ) . when he said jump she’d say ” how high” Always walking on egg shells with him . Dad in the meantime would say nothing to him about his behavior .
Both of them knew he was abusing me but did or said nothing to stop him ..
They said they cared about me & I still believe they did . But as soon as his new target arrived out came the happy smiley pictures .
You’re parents are now in a position of power with your inheritance . How does that make you feel ?
Another great post . Jeez your too good to be true 🙂
It’s parent. My father passed away. How do I feel? Resentful, irritated and constrained but I know I have to play the long game on this occasion. Thanks for the compliment (I think!!)
It wasn’t really a compliment HG , just an observation .
I’m sad to read that your dad passed away . Truly .
So you are as you say ” ? Resentful, irritated and constrained? ” have to play the long game on this occasion ?
Your mums taken control . You don’t like it , but she’s controlling you by way of making you see your doctors ?
I’m not attacking you in any way, shape or form :)) HG . But just starting to realise the depths that Ncs will stoop to get what they want .
Do you love your mum ? or is she just someone else you try to mamipulate ?
Yes my mother and other family members are exerting some constraint over me by causing me to engage with the doctors, although I am drawing silver linings from this liberty they have taken with me. I have to deal with it in order to ultimately get what I want and if that means ceding some control, for a period of time, however annoying, then that is what must happen. I am not one to react to this in a knee jerk fashion.
I admire my mother.
HG, I’m curious as to the complaints of your family? What have they seen about your behavior that makes them insist on such long term therapy?
They are liars. They twist things. I may detail at some point the executive summary of the dossier they provided to the doctors which started the process.
HG just finished Revenge. I’m not of vengeful person but read it out of morbid curiosity. Ironically i realized that I in fact had already toppled him without even trying! Guess I didnt recognize it because I didnt think it was possible and just didnt fully process information that was dribbling in from his family as I dont care anymore about his life. Question though… Once of your type crumbles, dont you repair in time? You know like a lizzard that looses its tail, eventually it grows back.
The revenge is the dynamic between that victim and that narcissist. This means that there is the potential for recovery but never with the victim who secured revenge. If there is a recovery it is slow and will have to be fuelled elsewhere, away from the victim’s sphere of influence.
Very interesting!
Ah…and then resurfacing 6 weeks later with the Happy Birthday hoover with a gift of MindFuckery all wrapped up with a bow
Oh yes. The friends and family that were so rightfully concerned. Watching helplessly while I sold my soul to the devil. They said all those things to me.
And thank God, for in the end…after that crazy ️Merry Go Round…when the choice was to marry him or get out…I could not face the heat from my friends and family with news that I was to marry him…I knew the time was now…I must leave for good. My sense of self had eroded so much that I cared more about what my friends would think than what I already knew deep down…that the relationshit was a one way fraud.
HG, what did my N feel or think when I broke off the engagement saying “I can’t save you and I can’t take the heat from family in trying to”….???
If you delivered the message in a level fashion he would have been hit by a double whammy of criticism. One from you suggesting he was not good enough to marry. Another from the suggestions that your family did not think he was good enough either. That would have ignited his fury causing him to lash out or withdraw to repair the wounds.
In the past it was alway I who contact him doing the dutyful empathic things of asking what’s wrong, can I help telling him I loved him and so on. The last few times before my discard I just ignored the silent treatments and left him to it. I did what he asked and left him be. In my mind I was doing as requested and didn’t want to make things worse. Do you think my change in response to the silent treatment fuelled my discard HG ?
Btw another great post.
Thank you. Most likely, you were notgiving him the fuel from the ST anymore so he cast you aside once he had the new source in place.
Hi Freedom , I hope you’re okay x
I did something along similar lines & Ignored him because I just wanted some peace & quiet from the constant drama he was creating , as HG says negative fuel . I wasn’t prepared to play his game anymore . 🙂
I never new anything about how narcs use silent treatment as punishment or to line up & love bomb their new source . I learned that here, but sad to say he was ready for leaving you anyway . Hurts to the core doesn’t it xx
Hi so sad,
Yes it hurts more than words can describe. Especially as his parting words were he loved me so much and would miss me till we were together again. Telling me to hurry up and book my flights as he could t wait to see me. Then he did all that he did a mere few weeks later.
Devastated to say the least, I loved and trusted with my whole being. He did not. 😓😓😓
I learnt the hard way to. Hope you’re ok So sad x
“I know you won’t though. I know.”
Boy bye! 😂
So I’ve finally left him for good after a full week of mind games, manipulation, lies and tourney. I’ve read escape and just started fuel, but I’ve been thinking about the silent treatment. When I have raised issues of his moods or behaviour he has of course stormed out, because I am quite stubborn I didn’t get in touch with him and it would be him getting in touch with me asking why I haven’t apologised, explaining that I have a right to question why I am always on this push and pull system and can’t bare it. Communication between us could be upto 4 days, the relationship had not ended, I just found it better if I left him to sort himself out and calm down. So would that be looked upon that I am doing the silent treatment?? It’s a little confusing at the moment x
No you just were not providing him with fuel by reacting to his silent treatment. When you raised the issue of his moods, you criticised him. This ignited his fury and rather than lash out he withdrew (read Fury for more) in order to repair the wound caused by your criticism. Whilst withdrawn he would also instigate a silent treatment in order to gain more fuel but that obviously didn’t work and that was why he would get in touch with you and ask why you haven’t apologised in the hope of getting you to do so and/or provoke a reaction to provide fuel.
HG when I saw my MN the other day (without going into specifics) we had to do something which involved working in pairs and kept having to switch ( I’ve also been having many f-up hoovers recently) partners. Each time I tried to avoid pairing with him, he insisted twice that I did. On the second time I said to him, ‘you always keep trying to come back for more don’t you’ he looked like he wanted to rage big time. But obviously couldn’t.
How do you think it made him feel ? And do you think the small subtle dogs are more powerful ?
Is a Chihuahua powerful? Is a shitsu powerful? I don’t think so.
Is a Rottweiler funny ? Is a Doberman funny ? I don’t think so, even though they may think they are
I feel bad now HG xxx
Digs not dogs
If you made your comment in a level fashion, which I suspect you did, there was no fuel and it will have been regarded as a criticism. He will not have liked to have been reminded about his need to come back to you (someone who he regards as inferior) and he could not lash out no doubt because of the situation you both were in. He probably could not withdraw either so since you criticised him and gave no fuel you will have landed quite a blow there.
Haha thanks HG, yes that’s exactly how it was 🙂 your confirmation means a lot 🙂
I dont think that has ever happened, that one person leaves the other one because of what is said. Every relationship is different and some people take the best out of us and other people take the not so good out of us.
I think two people can just only break uo based on their own created feelings and never because of what other say. The sayings may influence a bit the mindset that you have about the person as there will be doubt whereas without comments these doubts would not be there…
Ine person can have such a different relationship with different individuals.
I see it with my kids. I love them all the same this is clear, but there is one who specially gets to my ❤️ Although there is from me the same love for all.
You can never judge what a relationship will be by what others say.
Good morning HG.
You are just an amazing writer. I think me more than anybody else in this blog is fascinated to the mooj is because for me writing was always hard, to put ideas in an organized ways. Numbers were always much easier.
This poostimg evoques memories concerning my mom.
My mom told me my dads ex called her to warn her all about my father, some of her older brothers had rum investigation on him and learned about the countless list of women and the turbulent end his previous marriage had.
All this did not stop her from marrying my dad 3 months after they had met at church.
Nobody ever warned me about my Ns because they seemed like the perfect men and they werent. In fact for N2 and N3 I had even commemts ” why are you going to leave such a good man”
A bond with a narcissist is so strong and so rooted that you just leave when the pain of being with him turns stronger than leaving him.
Leaving him is like leaving a part of you behind. That is what makes it so unbearably painful,
Thanks again for the great article HG.
have a nice day ☀️⛽️⛽️⛽️
Thank you.