You’ve Changed
You’ve changed and I don’t know why. Have I done something wrong? Have I done something to offend you or upset you? Why have you changed? You aren’t interested in me anymore. Once upon a time you would sit in rapt attention as I explained things to you, as I told you about the things I had done. The things which mattered to me. I thought you liked them too. You seemed interested and it was a genuine interest as you asked me questions and admired me for what I told you about. Do you remember those conversations? I do, although I must admit there are days when they seem such a distant memory to what we have now that I wonder if I made them up or dreamt them. Those afternoons where we lay in bed, the world so far away from us as we held one another and made plans. The world was ours to conquer wasn’t it? We made such grand plans, you and I, with nothing to stop us or hold us back. Except ourselves. How have we come to be so far apart? Where did it go wrong? How did these changes happen? What caused them? We were united as one. We did not know where one of us started and where the other ended, we were so entwined. I was happy. I thought you were too. You seemed happy. Tell me you were happy.
We did everything together. I never wanted to be anywhere other than your side. You completed me. I completed you. Two halves at long last united. Two lost souls who were wandering through the wilderness and then we found one another and all became wonderful. I did not dare to believe it was happening at first. After so many had failed, those who offered so much yet turned out to be pretenders with nothing but failure dripping from those promising lips. How I yearned to find the right one and just as I had almost given up all hope, along you came. My saviour. I knew from the moment I saw you that we belonged together. I could sense it and that first kiss, well, I can still feel the tingling up and down my spine even now, after all this time, after everything that has been said and done.
Why did you change? I did nothing wrong. I gave you my all. I believed in us but perhaps I have let you down, perhaps I have failed you in some way. Is there another? Is that why your eyes no longer shine when you look at me? Is that why your special smile has not been seen in these parts for too long? Do my tales and stories bore you now? Does the re-telling of these famous tales grow stale? Perhaps you have found someone else, someone who gives you what you want, someone new and exciting? Is that it? Is that why you have changed. Have you found sanctuary in the arms of another and now you have become malleable in their hands as you once were in mine? Do you remember how you said that my touch brought you to life and how you had merely existed beforehand? Do you remember taking my hand as we walked mile upon mile, never faltering from having something to say to one another. How we used to talk? Now I am lucky if I get a sentence from you as you take refuge in a monosyllabic citadel, seeming as if you are more content to reside there than with me. Your words used to flow, enchanting and marvellous and how I delighted to hear what you had to say. You could make the mundane magical and all through that perfect and delicious mouth of yours. Does that mouth still weave its magic for someone else now? Do the words feel leaden, your mouth full of dust when you talk to me? I still listen. I still give you the attention but it no longer works as it did before. I know it is not me that has changed. I never do. I can see that it is you that has changed but I am at a loss to understand why this happened. Believe me, I have spent long hours working out everything that has been said, what has not been said and all the acts and omissions. I have played them, replayed them and chopped back and forth, like some detective analysing CCTV footage in the hope of finding that one clue. That one lead, that certain something that will allow me to understand how we lost that certain something.
Is it that you want me to change? Do you need me to transform into something different? Is that it? I will be whatever you want me to be if only we can have what we once had. You have changed but if you need me to do so too, if that is what it takes to recover ourselves then I am willing. Tell me, just give me a sign, some kind of signal so I know what to do. Your wall of silence gives me no indication of what I must do in order to save us. Do you do that because all your time and attention must be saved for someone else and therefore you have none to give me? Have they come like some silent-footed thief and stolen away the person who I want more than anything on this earth? Perhaps that is what has really happened. You have not changed but rather the real you, the you that makes everything matter again, has been acquired by a pilferer. Has your soul been stolen by another? Have they taken it when I was regrettably distracted and have they now placed it in a gilded locker, far away from me, leaving me with just the husk, the image of what once was? Perhaps that is what has happened. I know you have changed but perhaps, just perhaps it was not of your doing. Maybe an outside agent has influenced you, brought about this alteration, neither seeking not obtaining our consent to this heinous act. Yes, that must be what it is for I know you would not willingly leave me. How could you? Why would you? Why leave what we have and leave me with so little when once we had so much? You have changed but it is at the sordid and filthy direction of another which gave you no choice. Did you warn me? Perhaps you did but I did not notice. Did you cry out and seek my help? Maybe you did but I was distracted and I did not hear. Tell me now, tell me how I can help you. I will do anything to win what we had back. That brilliant, loving, passionate and above all seemingly perfect union that you and I created before this change occurred.
Please, I am begging you, just tell me what I have to do. I am lost from ideas, I have no more ingenuity or guile to achieve what needs to be done and I need your assistance more than ever before. Don’t let them win, do not let those who are jealous of what we have, the green-eyed interlopers who have watched and waited for that moment to drive a wedge between us. Don’t let them make your change permanent. Fight, fight with me, for me so we can succeed and shine again. I cannot stand where we are now. The pain and weakness that sweeps me tears me apart, makes me feel disgusting and wretched. I cannot stand to be this way for it causes me such great distress as I look over to you watch you, unnoticed by you. You are not who I knew you once as. I do not recognise the person who sits across from me now. So much is alien, so much has become foreign. I don’t feel like I know you anymore. Or that I ever did.
50 thoughts on “You’ve Changed”
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I think you were very close to your inner “self” when you were writting this post, Tudor. Very brave. Bravo.
Thank you.
HG, I am captivated by your blog. I stumbled upon it only three weeks ago, and decided to start from the beginning and read forward from there. Your writing is truly exceptional, and your sense of humor a delight.
Narcissism is something I know intimately…inside and out. When I started reading I was 50-50 as to whether you were truly a narcissist, or a clever clinician who’d found an inventive way to translate narcissism to the outside world. Now I am more like 96-4 convinced that you are the real deal. (Don’t take it personally…I’m never 100% convinced of anything anymore.) I’ve been swayed by the changes I’ve noticed along the way, both in the tone and content of your postings, and in how you interact with your followers. You seem to be loosening your determinate grip a little, and allowing yourself to experience a modicum of discomfort, vulnerability. And perhaps discovering that the experience will not destroy you.
I suppose it’s possible that all of this is nothing more than one of your machinations, and that no real change is going on. Only you can know for sure.
Either way, what you’re doing here is bold and refreshing…and clearly of tremendous help to so many people, me included. I look forward to continuing along this journey with you and the remarkably courageous people who contribute here.
Hello FM and thank you for your observations. Should you ever meet me the 4% would become nil. I am pleased you are enjoying reading the blog. Yes, you are correct that I am allowing some discomfort as part of the ongoing process and in turn sharing it here. In actual fact I have experienced it to a greater degree which is part of what forms my ongoing works. Thank you for reading.
I am witnessing it occur as a very natural progression and find it very encouraging indeed, especially for you because I bet you never expected that to happen when you took this on.
Your way with words is moving.
Thank you Luckyotter.
Really, so much of what the N dishes out is emotional abuse. This is “Withholding”. When you realize you are on the receiving end of emotional abuse (there is a great little book called “30 Tactics of Emotional Manipulation”), you can’t unsee it. It is not “loving” to stay with someone who is abusing you. Even if you convince yourself that you can tolerate it because you understand where it is coming from-the wounded boy within (which, yes, they have also put on your mind) you must face the fact that tolerating abuse is enabling abuse. You simply must leave. If they are a garden variety abuser, with a strong desire to change, they may get help and effect real change (it will take a long time). But if they are a narcissist, they will not.
This was hard for me to learn. I thought that I was so much healthier than my N. But as long as I was tolerating his bs, I was not loving myself. I was as sick and insecure as he was. This is important and is an absolute truth. You cannot be healthy if you are in an unhealthy relationship with an unhealthy person. You are as sick as they are. Love does not cure sickness. Co-dependency is really just using empathy as a weapon…trying to control his behavior with “understanding”, people pleasing, care-taking and martyrdom. It will take completely detaching from the N, getting brutally honest with yourself about your part in things, journalling (which I started while I was still with the N as a gut check, so helpful), therapy, friends, prayer, meditation, and more to find your way back to your true self. You are not doing yourself or anyone any favors by “loving” a narcissist.
Great, clear-sighted comment! Thank you:-)
100% truth ^^
Very good overview. You are the straight A of codependency school 😃
In regards to empathy though, I don’t believe it ends at “naturally” having empathetic traits. Empathy is something you have to exercise and can be developed through knowledge and experience if willing.
In addition, I learnt that silent treatment was an effective tool in taking back some control and self determination in an unequal relationship with a domineering person.
If someone isn’t genuinely listening or empathising with you, I found ignoring them was better than continuing to speak up and not be heard. It also drives abusers nuts and making them suffer can be fun.
@notquiteanarc.
I can do the pull away thing too!
When my narc was acting up, I suggested we don’t spend so much time together and told him to leave my place. He left.
I cried into my pillow and blocked his calls, blocked him from social media and ignored him for about 3 days without warning.
I’m also introverted and see pulling away as necessary to mentally survive a painful situation. I admit that it also makes me feel in control to disappear without warning and now that I’ve learnt my ex is a narcissist, it makes me feel better that I can punish him in this way. Especially a way I’ve already become accustomed to. So with enough conscious disipline I can be Queen of silent treatment if pushed enough.
Gina.. I hope you made it to this link… Please know, You are not alone!! I stayed for 22 YEARS.. 3 children later. I KNEW something was amiss after 6 months of dating. After the FIRST TIME HE DISCARDED ME.. Just to test me, I begged, pleaded, cried, stalked, and FINALLY, I left him alone and moved on… He showed up on my doorstep, 3 weeks later, moved in with me 1 month later, 3 months later we were engaged, 10 months later MARRIED IN THE WEDDING OF MY DREAMS… To the MAN IN MY NIGHTMARES!!! 22 YEARS of in-out, up – down.. Devalue,Discard, silent treatment, hoovers, court rooms, custody, taking every dime that I had, along with it, my self esteem, my self worth, and ALMOST … MY CHILDREN.. THAT IS WHEN I WOKE UP, CAME TO, FIGURED OUT, and am FINALLY OUT WITH NO CONTACT… Only because of the help of first my attorney who told me what I was dealing with and then this blog, website, Facebook posts and the HG Tudor books. They gave me permission to LEAVE and the map to use to GET AWAY. I will never be able to have TOTAL NO CONTACT, because of our children. But I haven’t spoken verbally to that piece of shit in over 2 months. CRAZY coming from the CRAZED, INSECURE, FEARFUL, HOPELESS, SELF LOATHING WEAKLING that used to inhabit my body. I will admit, I’m LOST MOST DAYS.. He has new fuel, flaunting it all around.. And at times, like this morning, that hopeless weak woman showed up in my head telling me that I HAD TO MAKE THIS STOP… To actually REACH OUT TO HIM??? 51% of me STOPPED, and REFUSED THE ABUSE! That’s ALL I NEEDED .. Just 1% more of me wants Better for me and most of alll.. MY CHILDREN! Hang in there. Some days it’s only the 1% that pulls me through. And if look at how far I have to go, rather than … HOW FAR I HAVE COME.. I’ll go back. After all, it’s all that I have done for 22 YEARS! But now… IVE CHANGED!
Hi
I also have those days when the weak woman returns. I had been doing so well then an article on the news talking about where my ex is currently working on secondment came on. For some reason it just sent me spiralling again. I’ve picked myself up again wiped my tears and started from scratch again. Hopefully one day we will be free enough to not fall down again. Good luck everyone x
Thank you for your post. It is a DAILY BATTLE. It’s AWFUL, once “you know” there is no going back. You can’t “unknow”… So going back makes it even WORSE, for it will NEVER CHANGE.. HE WILL NEVER CHANGE.. Good luck to YOU. Lord knows that those of us who have “LIVED TO TELL” deserve some peace and joy in our lives. I hate to say, I would not know what either of those things even look like. One day at a time!
Good for you! In the coming weeks that 1% may jump to 10%. Then in a couple months 25%. A year from now think how far you will have progressed!
This board is a perfect example. You are honest about how cruel you are to people, yet in the comments its like their are some women vying for your attention
HG Im still in a state of confusion? You know that it is You creating this false illusion and basically distroying some kind souls (cant say everyone because their are crazy women out there too) i thought that N’s do not see this. Is it possible that you have more than one personality disorder? As far as the triangulation. Have you considered just being honest? I hate to say it about my own gender, but there are several that will trip over themselves and others to win the booby prize. This way you are not hurting a kind woman.
Perhaps I have and that is why my awareness is greater. I have also had my awareness increased by the enforced treatment regime. Why be honest when it does not suit my purposes?
Is there a reason
For things that you say?
The way you’re treating me
All the games I won’t play
Well it’s too late, we’re no longer one
Don’t want you, the damage is done
Will you miss me
When I leave you behind?
Will you tell your friends
I treated you unkind?
Well it’s over now, and I’m on the run
I don’t want you…….. the damage is done.
(Foreigner-Damage is Done)
________________________________________________________
When you look into his eyes
It comes to you as no surprise
It’s always the same
Every time he’s out with you
He tries to tell you what to do
You don’t need it that way
Sometimes you think you’re playing the fool
He’s running around breaking all the rules
Somehow that don’t seem fair
There’s got to be a better way
You know what I’m trying to say
‘Cause deep, deep down inside
You’re living in a life in total lies
What did he ever do for you
What’s he trying to put you through
I just don’t understand
You showed him love and tenderness
Touched him with your sweet caress
Now he’s leaving you
So what’s the point in working it out
Tell me what it’s all about
That’s why I’m saying
I hope you’re with me
I hope you’re with me when it’s over
You won’t be lonely
You won’t be lonely when it’s over
You won’t be lonely (you)
When it’s over
It’s over, it’s over, it’s over
And in the morning when he’s gone
Please don’t sing that sad, sad song
I don’t want to hear it
Forget about him
Let him go
It won’t hurt what he don’t know
What’s he trying to say to you
What’s he trying to tell you
He don’t really care
Face the truth and realize
You don’t need his alibis
No more
(Loverboy-When It’s Over)
I’m realizing 3/4 of the love songs ever written would not have come to be without the Narc / Empath relationship…
Interesting observation, do any particular songs spring to mind? How many do you think were composed by narcissists and how many by empaths?
Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri
I don’t know that song but I do have a jar of hearts. Second shelf on the right.
Ok then. Probably every song by Pat Benatar would count…”Fire and Ice”, “Heartbreaker”… Lol
Totally agree and manx movies also
Too Close by Alex Clare
You know I’m not one to break promises
I don’t want to hurt you but I need to breathe
At the end of it all you’re still my best friend
But there’s something inside that I need to release
Which way is right, which way is wrong?
How do I say that I need to move on?
You know we headed separate ways
And it feels like I am just too close to love you
There’s nothing I can really say
I can’t lie no more, I can’t hide no more
Got to be true to myself
And it feels like I am just too close to love you
So I’ll be on my way
You’ve given me more than I can return
Yet there’s oh so much that you deserve
Nothing to say, nothing to do,
I’ve nothing to give
I must live without you
You know we’re headed separate ways
And it feels like I am just too close to love you
It’s the perp, why would HG write from our perspective like that? Narcs are masters at projection.
Bingo.
My thoughts right away. I dealt with this side for three years…being asked over and over and over who “he” was that changed things.
I feel like this must be a letter from someone that is in the process of being discarded…My savior ? There is a lot of pain in these words…
….HG, these seem like words from the victim at first blush….but it goes deeper….you have many layers, HG…..
Perhaps you are showing us your vulnerable side?
Vulnerable side?
Lol no!!!
It hurt a lot and threw me off-guard to read that post. 😔
Surely, this was written from the empaths’/victims’ perspective HG?
Otherwise, there would be a glimpse of the narc’s humanity, of his (crippeld) true self. Moreover, it would prove that the co-dependant/empath and the narc are two sides of the coin, coming from the same core wounds: enmeshment, lack of boundaries and self-esteem, and above all: fear of abandonment and loss of self.
HG, are these feelings or just manufactured words? Is what you are so expressing here genuine? Is this how you really feel when the devaluation sets in?
Those feelings you describe seem as real as YOUR FAÇADE seemed real in the golden period – we want to trust you again, but how can we ever trust again when we have learned the hard way that you are not trustworthy, and never intended to be true and honest to us or even yourself (your TRUE Self)?
If this is a way to present a Grand Hoover, it is the most wicked and evil post of all! If this is how you really feel inside, surely you are not a malignant narcissist?
Please help.
that you are were showing us through this post?
I am interested to read your interpretation. You advance some interesting observations but do not come to a conclusion. Do you think those are the words of the victim or of the perpetrator?
As you know, English is not my mother tongue and I am drüben by Gerlings, so it is sometimes difficult for me to be spot-on;-)
Ok, what’ my conclusion?
Deep inside, I feel that those words (= your words) are the words of the victim.
This was my very first thought when I found your blog back in October 2015, and this post here confirms it: narcissist or not – you have been victimized in the same way than us. 😘
Your English is very good. Perhaps the article is written so it can be seen as coming from either side at the same time since both could be regarded as victims? Perhaps it is written from the view of the narcissist because he feels victimised or it is from the viewpoint of the narcissist’s victim ? Perhaps one’s onw stance affects the way one regards this piece.
Victim. But let’s not forget the perfect mirror we are dealing with.
I agree with your paragraph about the Narc and Empath being two sides of a coin. It is why the attraction between the two initially is so powerful and dynamic. The Laws of Attraction, like attracts like and in both subconscious minds they feed each other the energies best suited for their needs.
I just KNEW N3 would be the man I’d marry…..just from that first kiss….I wish I knew what the hell happened and why he changed….he just became cruel…silent….and started playing games….I don’t think he even knows why he ruined things….he just knew he had to?….*smh*.
We were very blessed to had found each other and he just threw it all away….
You were my religion, I gave you my all. But your heart was cold and made of stone.
This was like reading my own thoughts and voice. I couldn’t have said it better. Hit home with my feelings and questions that came to break me.
I think Nikita London you are very loving. Forgive me what I am to say…
I am touched by the posting and yet, perhaps out of cynicism I can see how this speech would be the ultimate Hoover. Forgive me for my cynicism. The sentiments are touching and tender and real. And yet they are delivered when she is able to pull back and just watch (detaching?) and there is no voice given to why she pulled away. Perhaps she is awakening, recovering from abuse, tapped out financially, etc…..the speaker seems to be invoking a pity ploy and is trying to engage her to give fuel. “Fight fight fight with me…”. Eeek.
Still this is lovely writing. HG you are generous to share so much.
An interesting interpretation Cat and you are welcome.
Yes Cat interesting. What Im trying to say is that sometimes there is not a reason to pullaway and the other person has not pulled away, but is just having a bad day or busy in her mind or whatever and its interpreted by the partner to pull away. Most of the time is really something of few days. This is so typical and in every relationship happens and although it seems so easy to communicate this feeling, it is what the couples do least!! Can be serious consequemces for the relationship. This is why I think this posting is so good and great if everybody could communicate such a situation in such a way ❤️❤️. People just stay stuck in their thoughts, he/she does not love me, what did I do etc etc.
i have a cousin who has a very happy marriage and its based on communication. If he feels she spends to much time with the kids, he says so, etc etc and I think they even made a course on it. Like I am more the type to say lets wait maybe this maybe that…. And this is wrong, the best is to discuss but its not always so evident.
I think this posting is pretty valuable in its content. And beautiful ❤️.
Like if it would have been me, I had such a very extremely busy week and weekend that my partner would have had to tell me!!! Hey whats going on? …. Not many men can communicate like HG does 😍😍.
“Normal” people can seem to pull away and behave like this, the difference is that it won’t become a pattern. I lie somewhere in between a N and an empath. I will intentionally act this way when I feel some injustice has been committed against me or I didn’t like the way I was treated or spoken to. I don’t require fuel, so my intentions are to “punish” the individual for their behavior to ensure that they are less likely to do it in the future. I’m not looking for a negative or positive reaction, just for the person to question their behavior, see my response to it, and then make the needed changes. I could choose to discuss the issue at hand and not act in this manner but that tactic doesn’t seem to garner the same positive changes. Some may see this as being manipulative, I see it as a useful behavior modification technique.
Interesting. I agree. I regularly engage in behaviour modification techniques. I find them very useful. I also engage in attention gratification scenarios and multiple appliance interfacing.
What a beautiful posting 😍😍 with the typical feelings in any love relationship in this world. The insecurities, the freights, the duoubts… They are so easy to be found and so easy to come. And when one person is insecure, the other one also does and there it starts.
But true love doesnt change that fast. Strong connections are not lost that easy and even less replaced by lies or someone else. That doesnt happen. It will never happen to me. When I have feelings they are there always, the same ❤️, unchanged, not less, maybe even more ❤️. Love like life has good days and bad days, silent days and noisy days, misunderstandings are easy to come and difficult to go… But at least in me, feelings dont change that easy. They are there. They are the same, they dont change and even less so fast. My love for the people I love and care is always there. Very very nice and touching posting HG. 😍😍❤️😘
Fascination like all in this life goes up and down and down like the normal rythm of life. I am still as fascinated with you as I was the first day I fell upon this blog by coincidence while I was reading about codependency. ❤️.