Trying Behaviour
You do not give up easily do you? We are pleased that this is the case. You try to resurrect what we once had. You will look to resuscitate our relationship. You want to breathe new life into you and me. You want to salvage what you can from the wreckage and build something anew. You will not let the life slip from what we have, you will not step out of the tangled and twisted remains and walk away. No, you try. You try to make it work, you try to see what can be done, you try to sort things out. You try to make everything right again, you try to make us happy, you try to please us, how you try to please us. You try to fix us, you try to banish these demons which plague us, you try to shed light and joy. You try when everything seems lost, you try when all seems pointless and you try despite everything else suggesting that what we are is a lost cause. You try because you believe in hope.
But what is this hope that has you trying on a superhuman scale, which has you wiping away the tears, picking yourself up, dusting yourself down and standing up once more to try to do the right thing? If you were not with our kind but someone normal and the relationship was foundering would you try as you do with us? Of course you would try and steer the good ship towards calmer waters but you would not try to the same extent as you do with us. Where two people find they no longer have anything in common, they may be content to leave matters as they are and drift along in neutrality. It is not heady and wonderful but neither is it awful. Is beige such a terrible place to be? There is security, the children have grown up and you have your separate interests. There is no hatred, far from it, but neither is there passion any longer, but something in the middle. This is deemed as acceptable and you are happy to trundle along in this manner. You do not try to rekindle those early days of your honeymoon period. In other instances, this mediocrity is found to be stifling. If you hear another gardening anecdote or incident at the bowling club, you will go spare. You want to travel and experience new things. Your other half is more interested in the home brew and the latest episode on television. There is no hatred, there is no passion but this time the middle is deemed suffocating and unacceptable. You do not try to rekindle what you once had but instead decide you want something else. You move on to something else, be it a single life with new pursuits or finding a new person who shares your interests. The separation is amicable, fair-minded and there is no turbulence. The relationship ran its course and you saw no reason to try to make it anything different.
Yet with us it is so different isn’t it? You try your absolute best to get things back on track, you try until you are shattered and exhausted, bewildered and confused. How can you not achieve what we once had again? Why is it so elusive? Yet you do not give up. You keep on trying. Again and again.
Such is the intoxicating power of the golden period, such is the addiction of this utterly falsified state of affairs, such is the massive attraction of that seemingly perfect love, you try your damnedest to resurrect it. Sometimes there is a glimmer of a return or even a brief sortie to that promised land once again and you know that your repeated trying has succeeded. It never lasts. It never stays. Still, you exhibit that indefatigable spirit as you try once more, looking to rekindle that special love we once had.
You even begin to sacrifice pieces of yourself in order to try to bring it back. You try to guess what we want all the time. You walk on those eggshells in order to avoid disrupting the fragile peace. You agree to do things you would never have countenanced once upon a time but hey, it is worth trying isn’t it? You decide to spend more time with us, sacrificing your relationships with your friends and with your family, but you have to try don’t you? You cannot be said to have not tried to make this work and if you had it once then surely you can get it again can’t you? You submit to more and more of our demands, demeaning yourself, degrading yourself and suffering our repeated denigrations but you convince yourself that this is all worth doing because you are trying to achieve a greater aim. You have hope that you will succeed and bring back that elusive golden period. You forgo invitations to events because you know it will displease us. You do not invite people to the house to avoid causing a disruption to the evening, since we want peace and quiet. You try not to say anything when we return late from who knows where. You try to remain silent when we spend hours staring into the screen on our laptops, tapping away, our minds somewhere else. You retreat, back-off and compromise, giving away more and more of yourself and your life as you try to succeed.
Thus here is the awful warped nature of being ensnared by us. In a normal relationship you may not try to the same extent because the excitement and passion was not as it was with us. Yet, this relationship is one where trying will bring about success. Yes, you won’t establish that paradise that exists when we seduce you, but it never actually existed to begin with. It is a fiction. However, trying to succeed with someone normal and healthy is entirely achievable. You will not, by contrast, ever succeed with us. You can try over and over and over again but for all this effort and endeavour you will not get what you want. What we once granted you will only ever be given again in small doses and then only as part of this continuing manipulation so that you remain in our grip so we can gather fuel until we throw you aside. No matter how determined you are, no matter how great your resolve, no matter the fact that you put every breath, every ounce of effort in to trying to make things work between you and us so everything is golden, it will never ever work. It cannot because you cannot control the golden period. Only we can and we choose who is granted it and when in accordance with our need for control and fuel.
Try to understand that.
42 thoughts on “Trying Behaviour”
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Could the reason we keep trying also have something to do with the way the relationship broke down? It’s difficult to accept problems when here is no apparent cause for them and in a normal relationship, there is usually at least one big talk before parting ways. No closure along with no logical reason for ending the relationship left me feeling like it could be fixed for a while but I didn’t want the golden period back, I wanted the stable beige to begin.
Indeed SS those are entirely valid reasons for why you keep trying.
On another post, I said I do not admire HG but having read this, I do. Thank you HG for the advice and the honesty.
You are welcome.
I call him “Vegas guy”.
Occasionally I felt up but the house was always going to take all in the end
Jackpot.
By the time we got to the stage where devaluation was his agenda I had figured out that he was pathological and, thank God, had a tiny ounce of enough self respect left to walk away with my tail between my legs. He threw out some provocations that I sensed were aimed at getting me to “try hard” but my better judgement (the little I had left) told me this relationship was not worth fighting for. It was clear he had found another primary and he was trying to keep me around as secondary negative fuel…although he tried to sprinkle in some attempts at being sweet but I had seen the mask off and couldn’t unsee it.
I know that fuel is generic to you but is there ever a case where the role that the N mirrors for the new source isn’t as enjoyable as the persona he adapted for the predecessor?
I often wonder that.
We do not focus on whether the created persona is better than the one created before, the new fuel overrides that.
I appreciate reading this… All that matters is NEW fuel. it does not matter if One before really was (one or all of these- ), the most attractive, the most successful, the most educated, the most kind? He is done and needs new fuel? He NEVER looks backward and compares? Because new and copious fuel overrides…everything? And moving forward he will always twist my “created” persona to that of— less than what he previously might have relayed to me/everyone? Just wrapping my mind around it all…
You are wrapping it pretty well so far Lynn.
If a woman is discarded suddenly (no warning) while she thinks the relationship is “golden”, her nurturing instincts are going to kick in. She will put the relationship before her individual needs, bc she feels at least 50% responsible for its outcome (especially if she us unaware of the intentional manipulation).
If she has been discarded after a 20+ year marriage, after the golden period has long passed, and the kids are grown, there isn’t a passionate relationship remaining to fight passionately to keep.
I wonder: why would you discard someone if you are getting the fuel you need from them? Why opt to draw out negative fuel from a primary when you have other sources of negative fuel assembled all around you? From your writing, it sounds as if this is a regular cycle (ditching a primary while things are new and good).
I wouldn’t discard someone if I was getting the right positive fuel from them. I opt to draw negative fuel from them when the positive fuel runs stale, Observant.
Most people personify themselves through their work. Empaths would not likely choose to discount any person directly on the basis of work ethic or performance. If a target’s opinion of the N’s genius plummets from “guru” to “incompetant” at work, as target gets to better know N, how would N respond to unemotional, or indirect/subtle references to this?
Badly. It is criticism and the fury would be ignited.
I would also assume, that is wonderful as the positive fuel is, it does get stale and boring after a while. It must be boring to know that everyone thinks you’re so bloody wonderful and intelligent and handsome and blah, blah, blah.
I’ve heard tell that there is delightful pleasure in breaking a person. In watching them crack and crumble. Watching all the life, hope and purpose fade from their eyes and be replaced with fear, self-loathing and uncertainty.
I’ve heard it said it is “fun” to ruin people. And of course, in some ways, it does provide some positive fuel because it demonstrates the absolute power you have over a person.
To know that you can twist, bend and shape words and thoughts into absolute daggers with one single goal in mind – to rip a person to shreds.
To the T….Sometimes, I looke back and I cant beleive that only 2 years ago, my life was exactly this article. It never crossed my mind that I would stop doing all these things, that he wont be a part of my day, and that at some point I will be as happy as I am now…Getting obsessed with your books brainwashed me, and I finally got it. ” There is nothing else to be done, when there is nothing else to be done!”
Wow, I feel like he wrote this himself. I will say with the help of friends and sites like these, I finally recognized the trends and have broken away. But I had reached the point where I had enough, I was to a point where I no longer felt anything but devastation. Now, I have more energy, more creativity, more smiles, and he is off to his next victim.
Hello oh Great One! HG would you please answer a few questions for me? Please don’t send me to one of your books, I’ve read them all! Being an empath I’m still having trouble understanding! I know the answer is fuel! Perhaps from hearing it from you will help me understand better, especially since you are so much more brilliant then my ex! Why not just tell me he met someone else? When I found out I wished him love and happiness always! ( no anger). Why not just send me my money back that he had for are romantic get away? I ask nicely! I even ask if he sent it after 2 weeks and the only reply was No I did not send it. Why make me out to be a stalker? When I had to call him for a work related question that my boss ask me to contact him for, I left a voice mail telling him when my boss would be in and the number to contact him. Instead he called back and when I answered he made sure that I heard him say ( to who ever was standing next to him) oh shit it’s her and hung up! Why block me from his face book page when knows if I really wanted to see what was on there I could just use one of my friends accounts to look him up? Why not just tell me to loose his number it’s over he found the perfect women don’t ever contact me again? He said those words before when he got angry at me for whatever reason. ( and would always contact me) but not this time. HG you are the only one with the same mind set that can help me with these questions! Please help me please! Thank you for your time. Xx
Hello Fool Me, your suitable admiration is welcome as always. Breaking down your post.
1. Why not just tell me he met someone else?
I am not entirely sure of the circumstances but am I right to assume that he just upped and left, rather than tell you he had someone else? If that is correct then there are three reasons. The first is to draw a reaction from you and gain fuel. The second is to cause you to be confused. The third is to maintain the connection between you so that you can be hoovered more readily at some point in the future. You will not truly accept it is over because you have no understanding and closure as to why he has moved on, thus the connection is maintained.
2. Why not return the money?
Again to draw a reaction from you in terms of frustrating you. Also this is something that will keep you contacting him. It is common for us, post discard, to find reasons to keep in touch with you and/or to cause you to keep in touch with us. Retaining money and possessions is one of these ways.
3. Why make you out to be a stalker?
To demonstrate that you are the Crazy One so he can continue his smear campaign against you, keep up his façade of being a good guy with other people and triangulate you with his new prospect (“Yes, my old girlfriend is a nutter, she just will not leave me alone, I thought I should warn you ” – although I won’t tell you that I deliberately do this so she keeps trying to contact me and give me fuel).
His behaviour on the telephone is also designed to reinforce your status as the Crazy One.
4. Blocking you on Facebook
This is telling you that he has deleted you from his life.
Thank you handsome man! I found out one of the reasons I was blocked on face book is because they finally posted when this wonderful love filled relationship started!! You guessed it! He was still in contact with me! Smh. As for the money and new love? I never reacted the way he wanted me to ( so no fuel) wished him love and happiness told him I was happy he finally met the right women for him. As for the money after asking and being told no I didn’t send it, I told him to keep it and use it for a nice weekend for the two of them!! Not knowing at the time all of these probably infuriated him!! I can always count on you HG to help clear things up! I also think that I am free of him once and for all! But just to be safe I’m going to keep reading and learning. Besides I enjoy you and your writing to much to let you go! Xo 😘
I just tell you as it is Fool Me and I know you don’t want to have to change your name to Fooled Again.
Lol! The only change I will ever make to my name is HG’s fool! As for the rear view mirror? That’s always well adjusted! Thank you!🍺
One more thing please. If being blocked from Facebook means he had deleted me from his life, does that mean I don’t have to worry about him ever contacting me again and I can finally move forward with out always checking over my shoulder and worrying about him reappearing?
No. He will always look to hoover you. You need to ensure you do not sail into his sphere of influence. You may end up looking over your shoulder less often though. Either that or fix a rear view mirror.
Thank you, I really needed to be reminded of this today (yes, as you correctly guessed, I got caught up in his web again)….
You are welcome. What happened?
Well, I’ve seen him a few times in as many weeks, he’s always very affectionate and claims the reason for his erratic communication is because he’s trying to suppress his feelings…
If he responds to my messages, it’ll either be very intimate, or a cold detached ‘thanks’, nothing in between. And then of course there are the messages that go unanswered. It’s like a car that shudders, rolls a few metres, shudders again, start, stop, start, stop.
It’s painful and, yes, totally exhausting.
Even now, I can feel the words bubbling that I want to say: “I love you, but just can’t figure out your silences, and so I’m done”. I like things black & white, definitive, but I guess narcs love to keep things grey, because it allows them to manipulate back and forth as the need for fuel dictates?
That’s a good analogy concerning the car. We are monochromatic in our outlook. We see people as either black or white, i.e. with us or against us but as you rightly write we engage in behaviours which sit in the realm of the grey for the purposes of creating uncertainty and allows room for interpretation as it suits us.
HG. Please expound on the grey area. N3 tried to keep me there, but I refused to play those silly games….I accepted the breakup, and agreed to friendship….and I got more games?
It is about creating uncertainty, anxiety and plausible deniability. Saying things and doing things which can be interpreted one way or the other. You will regard something as a sleight and of course it is but there will be sufficient doubt that we can say you are over-reacting.
Thank you, HG! Just what I thought!….*smh*
Megan….I’m sorry this happened to you! N3 did the same thing to me! I was in a grey area….he honestly had no reason to “hate” me—but I think he thought I still needed to be punished? It sounds crazy….but that golden period won’t be back like in the beginning….even if they feel that they “went too far” by breaking up—they will still make it stick out of ego….NO CONTACT!
*hugs*
Anyway HG a real relationship is not a golden period, a real relationship faces problems, accepts flaws, works hard, goes through turbulences but in a partnership (2), and somehow in a logical way, when there is somewhen a solution found for each of the 1 million problems that come during a relationship, and never staying in confusion.
This golden period thing, this is exclusively narcissistic and not within normality.
There are lovely times normal peaceful fun times and there are difficult times and back and forth thats it.
Indeed Nikita, you are right, yet this knowledge never defeats the application of the golden period does it? For all one knows about the vagaries of a relationship, that knowledge is cast aside when the glorious golden glow spreads over you.
it depends.. When you have kids there is not really a big opportunity of a glorious glow because already the kids chamge completely the relationship and I had them pretty early in the relationship.
With N3 there was not really a glorious glow as I have told in several occassions he knows what he is and tries to bring things to normal. So no glow there neither.
HELP !!! I had not really a glorious glow with an N.
I have to find one that gives me a glow then 😂😂😂 … I missed the best part 😱😱😱😡💔
HG its Fu#%^} difficult. Let me this time say it with the F word. Its directed at me so its no offense to anybody. And I want to say it like that as it takes alot when the hoover leaks inside our protection fortress.
So please dont say the knowledge never defeats the golden period
I like this sentece very much ” stir the ship to calmer waters” sadly it defines the last 16 years of my life. I never tried to return to any golden period, I spent my time trying to figute out how to do it well and to bring the ship out of angry waters, or better furious waters. If you do A is wrong, B also, C also, in fact the whole alphabet is wrong. ” exactly I did the above, meet friends less, have dinner on time, listen better, etc to make it just normal, to take everything to a situation where it feels noRmal, with no anger, or silence or whtever but just normal, like two friends. This was for me the golden period. I have always read that relationships have phases and there is this infatuation phase ( golden period) but after 1 or 2 years this is finished, and so I thought was my marriage and other relationshhips.
that was never in my mind so it was never my objective. Just when I thought I had figured it out , with food, kids, time, etc it would work for a period of time and then 6 months or more or less, again the anger returned, the critics…
Here the dynamics:
Step 1 stir the ship to calmer waters
Step 2 find out what happened
Step 3 lets have normality. The dreamed friendship.
Step 4 Do everything possible to keep normality
Step 5 start all over again
When I think about it this was the dynamics of my parents so without noticing its like for a time normal to you too but Somewhen you give up as there is no more energies. If I would have only found out about NPD before…
Although NPD Relationships I HAD separations without hate nor major turbulance… Not more than the problems we faced during the relationship.
But yes its to me obvious this dynamic that only they decided when we had normality or when not 😢.
Makes me sad to think I never had a normal relationship. I was not allowed to date anybody until I was 18 and so I had many male friends. Maybe this is why I get so well along with them and I can be a mans very friend, i stirred the ship in mantaining a friendship 😃… because I had to settle down for that. There was no way I could have date somebody before 18 as my dad was very strict and it was common practice at that time in latin america, of course my dad stricter than normal.
So from 19 to 25 I had 2 more long relationships and 1 not so long and those 3 guys are my friends and facebook and when I think about history those guys are also Ns. I dont even care anymore if somatic or cerebral.. Or whatever… I have avoided thinking about it.
Writing this just makes me think… I wonder what would it feel to have a relationship where for once there is no need to stir the ship to calmer waters, nor the person I love deciding to grant me a golden period, or a normality period… Or whatever period… 😢.
According to Sam Vaknin the empath/codependant sees life in sepia colors instead of technicolors when not with a narcissist…..
Wow, Nikita! You are a very patient and very sweet woman……You learn a lot from the men in your life….and you don’t make judgements.
I got 2 calls from a blocked phone number yesterday…right after church …at the same time N3 used to call me every Sunday when we were still dating…..I am sure it was him.
I read this post and thought of what I would say if he tried to apologize and bring back that golden period….his ego can’t stand rejection so he won’t call from his number directly. He wants to catch me by surprise….I’d never go back…this posts reminds me that I need to do this…we both do, Nikita!: We ALL do, Ladies!
‘Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.’~Proverbs 4:23
Hi T
Yes I am extremely extremely patient but it doesnt last forever.
Like for example while in the supermarket when the cashier is taking for ever to resolve a problem and the people will roll their eyes, and tap on tap in the counter, and become restless, after 30 seconds, I can easily for 10 minutes observe this attitudes on the people or how the stress mounts on the cash lady or doesnt mount etc. but after 10 minutes I can also start rolling my eyes 😃
Sepia instead of Technicolor is right on the money. I have been with nearly all Ns.
Trying…