Keeping it Personal
I do find it fascinating that you take everything so personally. You complain about the amount of time which I spend playing a strategy game on my laptop or fiddling with my iphone. I am enjoying playing that game or connecting with people through social media on my Iphone, it is nothing against you. Just because I spend an entire afternoon cleaning, waxing and polishing my car, you go into a sulk. Why? The fact I really like my new car and take pride in keeping it looking good is surely a good thing isn’t it? You automatically assume that it is some kind of slur against you because I am outside buffing the bodywork and not sitting talking to you. I choose to go to the match with a few friends rather than go shopping with you and there is an almighty bust-up. Why is that? I like watching sport and shopping does not really interest me. In fact, I prefer to do my shopping online or if I do go to the stores, I go alone. That way I know what I want, I can go an buy it and then leave. In and out. The best method and preferable to dawdling along behind slow-walking people in a mall. Yet you seem to regard this choice of mine as some kind of stain against your character. It is not.
Even when we have one of our frequent arguments and I hurl insults at you, you always take them to heart. You should not do so. I may criticise your haircut or the jumper you are wearing, I may seize on a character trait and make that a source of a scathing remark against you and you go to pieces. There is no need. I do not actually see you. You are but an object to me and I insult everybody. I have no prejudices, I hate everybody equally. You happen to bear the brunt of these remarks because you spend more time with me. I do the same in the workplace or amongst certain friends. It is not personal to you at all, I am merely pressing the button on the relevant appliance to ensure that I am getting my fix of fuel. For some reason, you descend into a spiral of despair and question your self-esteem and worry about your self-worth. You sit with a trusted circle and recount the torments and insults (why do that? You are just pulling the scab off the wound) as you question why is it you that I am so awful to. It isn’t you. I have no concept of you. You and all the over appliances blur into one. You are machines for the production and provision of fuel. Perhaps if you started to remember that that is the case you would feel less troubled by my behaviour and remarks in the future. Try it, you never know you might just for once stop thinking that it is all about you.
11 thoughts on “Keeping it Personal”
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Interesting. When I did the same with an ex narc, he’d go into a sulk and give silent treatment – which is what I wanted all along. Alone, me time. Except I did not punish him for sulking. I teased, which was probably -? it doesn’t matter. He’s history.
HG, I can now deflect the projections from your brethren around me because I have you as my secret weapon.
Then you have seized the power Unshackled.
What you explained above likely explains (in better words than I had at the time) what I was trying to say on a previous post about how I deal with the Narcs in my life.
That`s what happens when someone isn`t comfortable in their own skin to begin with. And then someone like you comes along and exploits that so that yes, every remark or moment where you choose to do something other, is taken is a personal slight. It keeps those people completely insecure, anxious and easy to prey on.
I have yet to meet a man or woman I wanted to spend every waking moment with. I enjoy companionship as much as the next person, but I also know how to be alone and am quite content being so.
The Narcs I know do know how much I love and appreciate their company, just as they know I will supply them with an endless buffet of positive fuel. But they also know the minute they try to knock me down, I tune out. Essentially, totally useless to try and bring me down. So off they go to play nasty with one of their other pets, then back to me for positive fuel and adventure.
Interesting dynamic – you want your so-called victims to be weak, easily manipulated and pliable, but you`re also disgusted by those traits.
I abhor the word victim and I detest people who play the victim card.
Thankyou 😘
This is a goo posting and again like lately all or a part of it could ve happening to non N couples.
Ina couple when one is dedicating too much time for things of his own the other one equates this ” he or she does not love me” if he would love me he would not be spending so much time away from me.
In Narc language this turns would have to turn around to ” i am not giving enough fuel and this us why he spends so much time away”… ( i think)
Whtever the case this thought gives in to fear and fear of being unloved, uncared brings agressiveness againts the other.
Funny enough is that since I am alone as single mother I can enjoy time alone withmyself every other weekend, I notice how people who have lost their time alone desire to have time alone, and fear to take it and at the same time fear to give the other time for himself. I hold this conversation often at workplace, specially with females.
Its a very difficult balance to find when in couple. Most of couples either dont do it and somehow look to dissipate te feeling of suffocation or both people end up looking for something to do ln the own to get back at the other but few arrive to talk it out and come up to an agreement.
On the other side the second part of this excellent posting is the sad reality of how a person with NPD reflects the fear of being unloved. With insults and screams and manipulations etc etc. its amazingly described above. Of course in this way the partner has even less chances to understand what is happening. Insults or mini-silent treatment will never leave to anything good and not understandable in any way because the human being is not prepared not to see himself as an appliance.
Its is for both type of couples the on ly solution to talk it out, either in a lovely way or in a logical way or in teaching way or in an evoluted N ( life is a learning process)…
” i think were going to have lots of problems here because I like ……..
Its difficult of course but at least gives the chance of giving it a try..
Thanks for posting. Real life is easier to understand. This real life blog is amazing.
HG, have you ever met an empath who seemed promising as fuel at first but turned out to have strong self-esteem and just laughed at your attempts to cut her down? If not, what would you do if you came across such a woman? Would you see her as a challenge to be conquered or a waste of precious energy needed to secure more reliable fuel?
Hi Cody, no I haven’t. The reason being that the preparatory work that is undertaken would flush out such a person. There are challenging people and the fuel garnered is all the more satisfying but the reality of coming across someone who just laughed at my attempts is unlikely. This is because so few of the people we engage with have any idea what we are and even less of an idea what is happening to them. If there was someone who (unlikely as it may be) proved far too resistant and therefore the energy expended would outweigh the fuel gain we would move on elsewhere. Plenty more fish and all that.
Probably one of the truest statements made, right here!
😉
Cody not always the lowest self steem proves to be the best fuel for the narcissist.
A too low self steem become just a plain very toxic relationship which ends up being tiring for both people.
In a figure think about a dance . A very low self steem would be equivalent to somebody that has no clue how to dance and this is never interesting.
The HMS requires nevertheless some kind of dance skills .
According to RR.
The dance skills consist in self steem, pathological loneliness and grandiosity
The main part in the dance is control this is what the N cant loose, its not the self steem of the empath per se,
Do you know ?
Grandiosity is to control
Like Self Steem is to ??????
It’s true, you don’t see me (or anyone else), and yet you seem to have sharper radar than the nautilus.
As is his design; by choice…