Ten Commandments
1. I am right. You are wrong.
Everything I say and do is founded in the logic of my world and it follows that is has to be right. It equally follows therefore that whatever you say and do is wrong. I cannot ever allow you to be seen to be right because that means I am ceding control to somebody whom I regard as inferior. This undermines my sense of superiority. Maintaining this state of me being right and you being wrong requires various manipulative techniques including blame-shifting, projection, denial and deflection. Of course I am relying on your need to be understood and your desire to change me that you will always approach this stance of mine head on. My position will seem illogical to you and you will react to it and keep doing so.
2. There is no you and me. There is only me.
You are purely an extension of myself. I want to subsume everything about you into me. This is part of the reason why I seduce you with such totality. I am unable to discern where you begin and where I end. I regard you as an appliance that is to be plugged into me and is there to do my bidding, providing me with fuel, looking after me and responding to everything that I command. I forbid you to act independently of me, have interests beyond me and to interact with others. I am what is important. You must focus on me and only me. Your needs become secondary to my needs.
3. Do as I say, not as I do.
Do not question me. Who are you to question someone as brilliant as me? Know your place. Submit to me and carry out my whims. Accede to my commands. I am entitled to do as I please and therefore any contradiction in my behaviour is a mistaken belief on your part. You may regard what I say and do as hypocrisy but you are wrong once again. This is pragmatism on my part and that is why I succeed whilst you fail.
4. One is never enough
Such is my might that one of you is not enough to sustain me. It is my right to gain fuel from all those that I interact with. This means I will be unfaithful but my infidelity is purely a means to an end. By all means react to my affairs and indiscretions, for it is all excellent fuel for me, but you will not stop me from taking another. Expect to be triangulated with other people and objects, for my appetite is so vast I must have many supply lines of fuel and this means you will become a cog inside a vast machine, as wheels turn within wheels.
5. Your pain is my gain
I cannot exist without drawing negative fuel from you at some point. It is retribution for your failings. There is no hope for an alternative. Your devaluation will happen as it has with many before you and those who are yet to come. It is a process and your agony, hurt and distress is purely part of the necessary equation to sustain me. It is drawn from you through many machinations, some you may see and others you will not.
6. You are worthless yet I will never leave you alone
You are inferior to me and that inferiority infuriates me since I am reminded that I must depend on someone weak and pathetic. This in turn generates hatred and despising of this chained situation I find myself in. I will cast you to one side once you have served your purpose and my disgust for you can no longer be tolerated. This is not the end however because I will always return to exhibit my power to draw you back one again and suck further fuel from you.
7. I am everywhere. I am everything
I am omnipotent and omniscient. I have my spies and errand boys all around as they feed me information about you which I can then use against you and to further my agendas. I have my Lieutenants carrying out my orders without question. I instil myself in every aspect of your life, making you see me, hear me and smell me, even after I am no longer physically near you. I imbue my essence into so much that my toxic memory pervades you for years after you have been cast aside, allowing me to return triumphant, as if nothing ever happened, to draw you into my false world once more.
8. The games are always being played.
The quest for fuel is unending. To achieve this I must engage in repeated and sustained manipulations and machinations. You and others are but pawns on my giant chessboard as I move you hither and thither in order to achieve my aims. I plot, plan and scheme before I organise, arrange and orchestrate. Each and every day I must engage in these nefarious games in order to secure my existence and as my chosen primary appliance you will be caught in this malicious web, right in the centre. My game-playing means nothing is as it seems, that truth is a stranger to me and lies flow from my mouth as easily as expelled breath.
9. I will never change
I will issue false promises of changing, empty protestations that I shall seek help and perfidious declarations of knowing I need to alter my behaviour but I never shall. I deny what I am, although for the most part I know full well what I am. I see no reason to change. Why should I when this how I have been created? Why should I when this is all I know? Why should I when it is all your fault anyway?
10. Fuel is the rule.
Fuel is at the centre of everything that I do. My actions and decisions are based on acquiring the precious resource. My interaction with strangers, minions, acquaintances and friends is all hinged on the gathering of fuel. The way in which I deal with colleagues and family is always based on the greatest potential for the collection of fuel. My thoughts are invaded with the need to gain fuel, my actions are dictated by the requirement to garner fuel. Fuel is the reason you were chosen. Fuel is the reason you were seduced, debased and discarded. Fuel is why I came back. Again and again.
Fuel is everything.
36 thoughts on “Ten Commandments”
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11. Pain is the rule.
Pain is at the centre of everything that I do. My actions and decisions are based on avoiding the overwhelming pain. My interaction with strangers, minions, acquaintances and friends is all hinged on the avoiding of pain. The way in which I deal with colleagues and family is always based on the fear to meet the pain. My thoughts are invaded with the need to avoid pain, my actions are dictated by the requirement to avoid pain. Pain is the reason you were chosen. Pain is the reason you were seduced, debased and discarded. Pain is why I came back. Again and again.
Pain is everything.
“Hither and zither”! What’s that! I think you mean hither and thither. There are quite a few spelling mistakes in this one HG. I have to say, when reading your books this kind of lack of attention to detail spoils the image. There you are spilling out your puffed up rhetoric, drunk on your perceived magnificence, and then – totally wrong word – the illusion of omniscience and omnipotence shattered. Don’t get me wrong, they’re certainly useful, just flawed.
Really?
Third time lucky! Come on, you must have known you’d open yourself up to criticism when you started this blog. And if you proclaim your brilliance, you have to be brilliant, not flawed. That’s so ordinary. I’m just encouraging you to cut that out…..which is nice.
You know…..fix you 😉
Hi Marilyn….welcome to you if you are new!
My mother and aunt and uncles have an N sister…they don’t know she is one…but she is.
They love her and treat her well. When she acts up…they ignore her. Her behavior determines if she gets fuel. My mother and aunts and uncles really don’t have much experience with N’s…but they do know how to protect themselves from her when she starts acting toxic.
I hope that helps.
*hugs*
I wish there was more written about sibling Narcissists, however, I am able to make the necessary adjustments while reading this and all posts re: NPD. My narcopath siblings fit these 10 commandments. For the most part, I have gone NC, and I see their quest for fuel (from me) comes up about every 6 – 9 months. They try to get at me or my children.
In my last post you asked me if I’m still trying to prove that they are wrong by outlining the wrongs they have done to me… at first that was how I used to respond to them. But once I learned that I was just feeding their need for fuel, I stopped doing that. The thing about having NPD siblings is that I cannot divorce them. Thankfully, I live quite a distance from them.
Wow. And just like that I am done. Thank you for your honesty, it really helped me let go of that last little hold he had on me. Frankly, I’m bored. I realize life is so much larger post N. I am so much happier now. I’ll be moving on now and not back here unless I let another narcissist in. I wish all the victims clarity and strength. They are only as pervasive as we allow. You can take back the real estate in your heart and mind.
Excellent post Cyborg. I wish you good strength and courage in all that you do.
Good for you, Cyborg!!!
Good luck to you!
Awww, I really enjoyed your comments. You’ll be missed. But at some point we all want to be where you are. Best wishes!
Is this in the coveted handbook for new members into the Narc Club? 😜
No a calling card.
Only Ten Commandments? Please, you’ve been commanding since you started talking. Your first word was probably a command.
Oh you know just what to write Cara,I like you, you get me.
Who in their right mind would ever sign up for this?
Awful people.
And yet people do so in their millions TW. Unwittingly of course, but they sign up all the same.
HG, you speak with such experience of perfect manipulation in every instance. Have you always been this perfect? Did you make mistakes and learn from them before you realized what you are?
Make mistakes? What can you possibly mean? I have refined and polished my techniques, I think that is the best way of answering your question jingercin.
But how about during University days when you weren’t aware that you were securing “fuel” per say? You just were reacting to the go / reward system in the brain that made you know it felt really good to behave that way. No triangulations blew up in your face? Ever? No condemning a co-worker for something ever backfired? You still had to climb your way up the professional ladder like everyone else.
Do you think I would admit it even if they did Clarece?
Well who would care now? Those were your learning curve and self discovery days. Like water under the bridge now. Lol So of course you did. Or you wouldn’t have to answer a question with a question.
There’s your answer then.
My curiosity was in wondering if those I have been involved in would ever get to your level (I doubt it). My children’s father has seemed to gain fuel in leaps and bounds since I made him leave. I assume with less obligation he has more time to dedicate to improving his technique.
I am also very curious how much this increases with the realization of what you are.
Indeed jingercin, freed from obligations (which we hate) we are far more able to garner additional fuel and with repeated practice comes better results. It is true that awareness, where this happens, since it is not always applicable to all of our kind, allows a greater honing and polishing of techniques. Once we realise what we are and what we must do, we understand better how to do it.
I’ve so enjoyed reading your posts as they have validated me and what I perceived in my marriage for 20 yrs. in that validation I’m finding strength and I’m so very grateful for that.
I feel it’s worth mentioning that some narcissists are more subtle in their actions. For instance when you talk about cheating. My husband never cheated with a woman. He used hobbies, activities and possessions as fuel for his ego. Cheating with a woman would have, in his mind, made him inferior, therefore taking away some of his power over me. It would have given me a platform to stand on and be able to somewhat rise above him. That would have never happened. Objects (cars, motorcycles and collections) however, were perfect because they provided the same fuel without engaging in such “pathetic and shameful” behaviors. Again in his mind, His hobbies were signs of his diverse interests and most importantly, financial success. Since I had so little interest in his hobbies and he was so consumed by them, he held them over my head and used them to try to make ME feel inferior because I wasn’t as “successful or diverse” as he.
He also encouraged me to be somewhat independent of him. My own friends, activities, etc. However, when the time came for me to spend time with that friend or engage in that activity, there was almost always a reason why I couldn’t that time. It was his way of being perceived as the supportive and loving husband while exercising his control in more subtle ways.
Thank you so much for enlightening me to this and again, validating what I had been seeing all those years. I’m starting to realize I really WASN’T crazy!
Hello Sheri and thanks for your comments. Yes many of our actions will be subtle and that is where we are harder to detect. Your husband was triangulating you with his hobbies, trying to draw a reaction from you by telling you that you are worthless compared to these objects. It is interesting that he decided against the path of infidelity. Many of us do this for the purpose of stoking our egos and getting a reaction once we are detected because we are entirely comfortable with blaming you for our infidelity, but there may be instances where we recognise you will take the moral high ground and even though we do not agree with that we still do not want you to be able to do so and therefore we do not leave ourselves open for “moral attack” and instead adopt a different form of manipulation. Your husband clearly took that route. Yes and the supposed independence and then denying it is a further method of control. Thanks for reading and do keep doing so.
Hello Sheri! Wow! You have just connected a dot for me. My husband of 17 years (before meeting the person I deemed the damaging Narc in my experience) constantly had his hobbies and toys. I began calling them his flights of fancy because about every 3-5 years there would be a rotation of something new into the mix. I’m opening up more and more to the possibility he was a lower / victim type narc that primed me well for the next one.
Thank God for the sake of raising our daughter, we have a friendly co-existence (although he remarried quickly and started having kids with the new wife). I definitely relate to that behavior however of filling fuel with materialistic things.
A question I posed to my ex-husband a couple years post divorce was “why was I never your hobby?” His answer was “I don’t know, but nothing has changed and (insert new wife’s name) isn’t treated differently.”
M.,
N1 and N3 kept me out of their “lives”, too. They were always in my business…but it never went both ways…
Welcome, Sheri!
N3 was the non cheating type, too! For the same reason as your ex N…he felt only inferior people cheated on their significant others. His parents were married for over 50 years and neither ever cheated…he was determined to carry on this family tradition….
He used his family, job, and studies to triangulate too! It may as well been another woman….he made me feel worthless compared to these other more important people and activities in his life…because he never included me. Yet, he always came to my job to get me for lunch….he always charmed my coworkers. He always went to my family events…just to charm everybody…..
Ufff like this you make it all very frightening. Like that yatch or the garden posting. I probably had to face them all, this commandments noticed or unnoticed like you say, except for number 9. This one never made Part of the commandments, or at least I had the real impression that it did not make part…
I anyway slowly stop to look back what it was or what it wasnt. I want just to look forward.
Wow. I am so immersed in all of this. I must escape.
Hello Triple D, how do you propose to do this?
Welcome, Diamondoll! May I suggest HG’s book; “Escape”? It really helped me when I needed it!
Found this very interesting this morning Heather Take each day as a blessing and learn from it ~ and be better than you were the day before as no one knows what tomorrow will bring if anything
Welcome, H!